It only took Tom a minute to finish off his sandwich then he kept touching me while he drove. His hand was on my thigh, then holding my hand then rubbing my arm, then back to my thigh. He probably was doing it to reassure me that I was the one he wanted, but it was doing more for me than that. His touch was like sweet kisses being gently planted on me and each kiss sent a quick burst of excitement to my brain. Every touch told me he wanted me and the more I thought about how much he wanted me, the more I thought about what he did to me in his room. His lips had felt so good as he kissed his way down my body and then when his mouth went down on my...I took a deep breath to try to suppress my thoughts. It seemed a strange time to be thinking about sex.
I thought about going to see Dr. Conley and that alleviated my problem. Sex was driven further and further away from my primary thoughts and soon it was buried under so much other garbage that it wasn't even an afterthought. I hadn't realized I was making myself sad until I noticed that Tom had stopped touching me.
"Sam, please don't be sad."
I snapped out of it and looked over at Tom. "I'm not sad."
"You look like you could cry."
I wanted to cover what I was feeling so I asked, "Do you think Brian will mind that I'm with you?"
"He shouldn't." Tom grabbed my hand. "Is that what's bothering you?"
"A little. I don't want to intrude. What if he just wants you there?"
"Brian isn't like that. He knows what you mean to me so he probably won't be surprised to see you." Tom turned down a street then slammed on his breaks. "What's he doing?" He parked the car and jumped out without telling me what was going on. I watched him run towards a person standing against a tree. I figured the person was Brian, but he had a hoodie on and it was pulled down in the front so I couldn't see his face. Tom was able to recognize him without seeing his face at all. That rubbed my heart the wrong way.
I got out because I wanted to hear what they were saying. I'm not sure if I've ever seen anyone who looked so pathetic. Brian probably could have passed for a zombie. He looked lost and lifeless. His eyes darted towards me as I approached, then he went back to staring at the ground. It was obvious that he had been crying at some point but it seemed he was far beyond shedding tears. Tom was trying to get him to walk to the car but he wasn't moving.
Tom looked at me and said, "Help me get him to move." Tom grabbed Brian's right arm and I grabbed Brian's left arm. "Come on BJ, let me take you to your grandmother's house."
Brian slowly stood as we pulled him up. I almost let go of him because he startled me when he said, "Thanks for coming to get me." We put him in the backseat and Tom and I got in the car. Brian started talking again as soon as we drove off. "One of the kid's in the congregation found out and they told their parents who must have told my parents. My father came to my room and took my keys and told me to leave. Just like that. `Please leave my house. Don't take anything with you. Just leave.' I knew this would happen."
I felt bad for Brian. His parents found out he was gay and they kicked him out. His parents had presumably loved him before they heard the news. That got me thinking. If his parents could do that to him and they loved him, then what would my parents do to me when they found out about my relationship with Tom? I wasn't ready to deal with another emotional battle. I had enough scars of my own that were just beginning to heal.
I expected Brian to dissolve in to tears but he didn't even sniffle. He seemed oddly cool considering his situation. That intrigued me so I turned around and observed him. He looked emotionally fragile like he was capable of being shattered and I sympathized with him. Though his voice was emotionless and his demeanor damaged, I found myself seeing something in him that held my attention. I whispered, "Brian." It was the first time I had ever spoken to him directly.
His eyes looked up at me and a weak smile broke the stillness of his face, "Hi Sam. It's nice to finally meet you."
I wondered why he wasn't asking me what I was doing there or why I was speaking to him. The truth was that I had said his name just to see if he would acknowledge me. I was out of conversation after that.
When the smile left his face I saw a look in his eyes that shook me and forced me to look away. He was lost and I hoped for his sake it would only be temporary. I knew I was wrong to come because I started to feel out of place. Brian needed Tom and just Tom and I was trying to sell us as a package deal. Tom was good at finding words that worked and I trusted that he wouldn't doing anything he shouldn't do. I knew that and I had to prove to him that I knew it.
I summoned the courage to turn and look at Brian again. "Would you like to be alone with Tom?"
"Being alone with him got me here," he replied. I finally heard sadness in his voice. The sadness seemed to underline each of his words and bridge them together. I was relieved to hear him express emotion because he scared me a little less. I started to realize that I wanted Tom to drop me off at home because I was afraid of Brian and not because I thought Brian needed to be alone with Tom.
I started to tell Tom to take me home but I turned to him and saw a tear fall down his cheek. He couldn't handle this by himself. What kind of a boyfriend would I be if I had abandoned him because of my own issues? I closed my eyes and prayed that I was stronger than I thought I was then I rubbed my hand down Tom's arm and grabbed his hand. I was trying to let him know I was there for him and he didn't have to cry. I don't know how well my fingers translated the message, but he didn't shed another tear, so I thought I was at least helping a little.
Brian's grandmother's house was a wreck. The best way to describe her house is that it looked like a place no one would want to live. The white paint on the house was so dirty that the house looked gray with random white areas. There was a broken step in the front of the house and if it was possible for houses to speak, then that house was begging to be saved from itself.
"Do you want me to get out with you?" Tom asked.
"No, I'll see you tomorrow." Brian opened his door. "Thank you guys for everything." He got out of the car and walked towards the door. He rang the doorbell and stood there for two or three minutes without anyone answering. He started knocking on the door and a few minutes later an older woman pulled the door open. She had a beer in her hand.
She screamed at him, "Don't bang on my goddamn door. You know the hinges are already messed up!"
He went inside and she slammed the door behind him. I wondered how nice she was because she seemed about as nice as a bed of nails. "I can't believe he's going to be stuck with her. That old lady is something else. The last time I was here she threw the Bible at me because she thought I was looking at BJ funny."
I was surprised that everything had ended without much drama. I was expecting a long conversation about what happened and a lot of crying and maybe a little whining but there was none of that. We picked Brian up, he said a few words, we drove him to his grandmother's house and he got out and was gone.
"I expected things to go a little differently."
"How so?" Tom asked.
"I thought he'd want to talk more."
"I knew he wouldn't. That's how Brian is. He doesn't say much when it comes to the big things. I know someone else like that."
"Who?"
"This cute guy with long black hair. He tells me a lot of things but he doesn't like telling me how he really feels. I usually have to drag that out of him. This guy was so in love with me and he wanted me so badly but he was tentative and I had to initiate everything."
"And I bet now he tells you all the time that he loves you."
"Oh yeah, he's constantly all over me," I elbowed him, "and I can't get enough of it."
"Shouldn't we be talking about what just happened with Brian?"
He cleared his throat. "I'm trying to not think about it."
"Oh." I understood why he didn't want to think about it. He gave my hand a quick squeeze and I felt this intense warmth throughout my body. I thought of a way to keep him from thinking about Brian. I let go of his hand and put my hand on his knee then I let my hand slide up his thigh at a slow pace. When my hand touched something hard, Tom sucked in air.
"I can't drive." He pulled over and moved my hand then took another breath. "I can't drive if you do that."
"Why not?" I had seen more than just touching being done in movies and people were still able to drive and as proof of this, I had read about people doing more than touching and still driving. The first wave of thoughts that entered my mind shouted at me that Tom just didn't want me touching him. I looked at him and he had more color than usual.
"My legs feel weak when you touch me like that and I don't want to have an accident." I smiled and put my hand back where it was. I didn't try to jack him or anything. I applied a little pressure so that he could feel my hand and I left it there. He threw his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes. He turned his face towards me and it was the sexiest thing I ever saw. His lips were like an inch apart and he was breathing sporadically like he didn't fully remember how to do it.
I asked him, "What are you thinking about right now?"
"You and me," he slightly opened his eyes, "having sex on my bed." The mention of sex made me nervous and I moved my hand away. He raised his hand and stroked my cheek. "I'm sorry for loving you so much."
I leaned close to him and tried to stare in to his half-open eyes. He was so beautiful and so sweet and so mine. In silent seconds I loved him and hated him for being my Tom. I loved that I had him but I hated knowing that I could lose him. I felt possessive of him. I was the bratty kid who had a favorite toy that I didn't want to share and like that kid, I was willing to kick and scream and cry my eyes out if I had to but I wasn't going to let go of him, no matter what.
"Tom you're amazing, did you know that?"
He smiled. "Does amazing get me a kiss?"
I looked around. "It's still light outside. What if someone notices us?"
"I don't care. I just want to feel your lips on mine."
He undid his seatbelt so he could move over enough to put his hand behind my head and pull me in for the kiss. It was a short kiss and he ended it by licking my bottom lip.
"How do I taste?"
"Like sweet goodness," he responded. I laughed. It must have been love because I hadn't brushed my teeth since that morning. He kissed me again then pulled away saying, "and I have a sweet tooth," then he kissed me some more. It was a good feeling and after it passed I was impressed with myself because I had let the moment go by completely untainted with negative thoughts.
When he finished kissing me, he pulled back and we stared at each other while his hand caressed my face and traced my lips. I wanted to bottle the way he looked at me so I could have it with me all the time. I didn't think I would ever be sad or feel lonely if I had that. The feelings I had when he looked at me were almost magical. I was okay for a minute. "When are we going to have real sex?" I asked.
His starry eyes and goofy smile faded. "Are you sure you're ready for real sex? I mean we just started with the intro to sex and"
I covered his mouth, "And this morning was amazing and I want more."
I expected him to ask more questions or put up a fight but he didn't. "How soon are we talking about?"
"I don't want to plan it. I just want it to happen soon."
"Does today work?"
I looked at him and saw a devious grin on his face. He might have been worried about me biting myself or hurting myself again but he didn't let on that he was. I tried to figure out if he was joking about the day or if he was serious. "Not today. I should get home."
He laughed. "Sam, don't you know me better than that?" He raised an eyebrow.
"You weren't serious about today, were you?"
"No, especially not after the way you freaked out earlier. I know I'm a stud and all but I won't be giving you what's in these pants anytime soon."
He was trying to be funny but that kind of humor didn't work when it came from people like him because he was a stud and everything that he gave me, including what was in his pants was a gift, even his time was a gift. I did have one concern though, "What about what we did this morning? Can we do that again?"
"I want to but we need to figure something because I don't want any repeats of what happened. We have to try to keep your emotions in check."
I made him an indecent proposal, "Well Tom, if I have something of someone else's in my mouth, I won't be able to bite myself and the problem will be solved."
He winced. "What if you have something like that in your mouth and you bite down."
I giggled. "Tom I would never do that to you."
"But what if you like can't control it?"
"There is no need to fear a repeat of what happened. I won't be biting or drawing blood of any kind."
Tom glanced at his watch. "You're good," he said.
"Good at what?"
"Distracting me." He kissed me. "Job well done!"
"Do I get a cookie?" I joked.
"No, but you do get to go back to your house and share that pint of ice cream with me that you got from the store."
"Who told you about that?"
"Matt."
"Figures it was him. I don't want the ice cream."
"That's why we're going to eat it together."
Tom quickly started the car and took off down the road. Charlie's car was gone when we got back so I assumed he took Matt home. My parents were at my sister's basketball game so Tom and I were all alone. I followed Tom to my kitchen and watched him sit down his plate. He grabbed the pint of ice cream out of the freezer and two spoons then he pulled me towards the living room. I didn't want to sit there because I was afraid my family would come back but he insisted.
Tom sat the ice cream and the spoons on the coffee table then sat on the sofa and pulled me on top of him so that my legs were stretched out across the sofa. My arm naturally moved around his shoulders. I tried to stand up. "I can't sit here."
Tom held me tight. "No one's going to see you and you can move when you hear the door." He kissed my neck, "I want you to stay right where you are." He stuck his tongue out and gave my neck a tiny lick before he started gently sucking.
"What are you doing?"
He whispered, "I'm marking you."
I pretended to pull away but he had a firm hold on me. "I don't want a hickey."
His lips were a little wet when he put them up to my ear. "Sam, can I, please?" He let his lips hover there and he started breathing heavily. He blew a direct breath in my ear. "I wish you knew how badly I want you sometimes." He pressed his lips against my neck and laughed. I waited for him to start sucking again but he pulled away.
"Why did you stop?"
"Because we're alone in your house and I'm two seconds away from picking you up and taking you to your room."
I giggled. "I thought you said we should wait?"
"We should and we're going to." He kissed my neck. "I'm strong enough to fight temptation."
That comment amused me. "What temptation? All I did was sit in your lap."
He put both of his arms around me and hugged me. "All you have to do is breath and I want you." He let me go. "Let's eat some ice cream so I can cool off."
I grabbed the ice cream and a spoon and handed them to him. "Maybe I should sit somewhere else."
"Oh no, you stay where you are so I can feed you."
"I already ate."
"I know, but we haven't shared dessert yet." He opened the ice cream and got a spoonful then said, "Hold the ice cream." I held the pint. He pressed the spoon against my lips. "Now open up." I reluctantly parted my lips and let him stick the spoon in my mouth. I swallowed the ice cream. "Is it good?" he asked.
"It's okay."
"Can I taste it?" I held the pint up for him to get some. He pushed the pint away. "I was thinking more of" he leaned in and kissed me. He pushed his tongue in my mouth and his tongue seemed hot. We kissed for a moment until I didn't notice the warmness of his mouth anymore. He ended the kiss with a sweet peck on my lips and smiled at me. "Okay that's enough of that. Let's eat."
Tom ate most of the ice cream. He would give himself like four spoons of it then give me one. His spoons were always overflowing with ice cream and the spoons he gave me only had a little ice cream on them. He wasn't trying to force me to eat a lot and that made me want to eat what he gave me. The pint of ice cream was gone before I knew it.
When we were done with the ice cream, I said, "I should have turned the tv on so we could watch something."
"Things were nice just the way they were."
I took the spoon from him and put it in the empty pint then sat it on the table. "What do you want to do?"
"I guess talk."
"About what?"
"Anything other than BJ."
"Are you worried about him?"
"Yeah. His grandmother isn't going to hurt him or anything but her tongue is so sharp. I don't know if that's what he needs right now." Tom started playing with my hair, "but I don't want to talk about that."
"Well what are we going to talk about?"
"I don't know." He kissed my shoulder. "We could sit here." He moved his arm and put it around me and I moved my arm from around his shoulder. I leaned my head against his shoulder and tried not to think about the fact that he was trying to avoid any conversation that involved Brian. I told myself it was nothing: just a friend worried about another friend. Tom rested his head on mine and I somehow managed to convince myself that it was a sign he was thinking about me and not Brian.
I started shaking and I heard my name. "Sam. Sam wake up." I opened my eyes and Charlie was standing over me. "Wake up sleepyhead."
I yawned and realized that something was weighing my head down. I shook Tom to wake him up. He whispered my name as he woke up, "Sam." The way he said my name made me wonder what he was dreaming about but I wasn't wondering for long because I became aware that I was sitting on something hard. Tom kissed my cheek. Charlie cleared his throat.
"Tom I think it's time for you to go home."
Tom pointed to the table. "Okay but I get to come back tomorrow."
Charlie picked up the empty pint of ice cream. "Sam did you eat some of this?"
"Yeah. I didn't have much though."
"But you ate some?"
"Yeah." Charlie glared at Tom. "Fine, I'll see you tomorrow."
"Can I drive him home?"
"That wasn't the deal," Charlie said.
"Please?"
"That wasn't the deal."
"Charlie, come on. I'm just driving him home. I promise we won't stop anywhere."
Charlie shook his head. "You have to give Matt a ride too, because he wants to come over tomorrow."
"Okay, I can do that."
"Okay then."
I wondered what kind of deal the two of them had and why Charlie was being nice to Tom so I asked Tom, "What deal did you guys have?"
"I told him I would get you to eat some of the ice cream and we made a bet. If I won then I get to come over tomorrow," he was smiling, "and I won."
"Yeah you won." I kissed him by his lips because I didn't want to kiss him on his lips with Charlie standing there. "You should get going before my parents get home."
"They're already home," Charlie said.
I think I may have seen flashing lights. "What?"
"They beat me home."
"Did they see us?"
"How could they miss you two lovebirds snuggled up on the sofa?"
"Did they say anything?"
"Mom sent me in here to wake you two up and tell Tom to go home."
"Are they upset?"
"I can't tell."
Tom gave me a small squeeze. "Do you want me to stay and we can talk to them together?"
Charlie said, "That won't be necessary. I'm here if Sam needs somebody."
I needed my knife, that's what I needed. I wanted to run up the stairs and cut myself but I was trying to close the door on that chapter of my life. I told myself I was strong enough to get through this without hurting myself but I wondered if that was true. I wondered if I could fend off the thoughts that once controlled me. It seemed like the perfect way to cope with my problems. I remembered how good it felt when the blade would pierce my skin and how the pain somehow helped. The pain gave me relief and I wanted that relief; that momentary escape from everything.
Tom rubbed my back then kissed my cheek and I drew strength from that. I stood slowly and Tom grabbed my hips and stood with me. "Do you want me to stay?"
"Yes but you don't have to. I can deal with whatever they say. At least I hope I can."
Tom kissed the back of my neck. "Walk me to my car."
"Okay."
He reached for my hand and we held hands as I walked him to his car. I decided that it didn't matter what the neighbors saw because my parents had already seen enough to realize Tom and I were more than just friends. If we had just been sleeping on the sofa that would have been one thing, but I was sitting in his lap. I couldn't think of a way to explain that as simple friendship. Even if he was comforting me about something I still shouldn't have been in his lap.
Tom gave me a short hug before he got in his car. "Call me tonight after everything is said and done."
"Okay."
I walked in my house expecting my parents to be ready to pounce on me and tell me what a loser I was and how horrible it was that I was gay on top of my other problems. I knew my mother would be at a loss for how to deal with me. Charlie was waiting by the door for me. He put his arm around me and we walked to the dining room. My mother and father were sitting at the table discussing something. They stopped talking when I walked in.
I spoke first, "Hi Mom. Hi Dad."
My mother's eyes regarded me with displeasure but her words were cordial, "Hi Honey. How are you feeling today?"
"I'm okay."
"Well that's lovely Honey." She forced a smile. I could tell by the way her lips strained and her left eye twitched a little.
I waited for one of them to mention Tom but they both returned to their conversation like I wasn't standing there. I couldn't take them ignoring me so I slowly backed out of the room. Charlie still had his arm around me. I whispered, "They didn't say anything."
"Maybe they're cool with it," Charlie said.
I knew my parents were not cool with me being with Tom. They probably just didn't care enough to express it to me because that would require them to have an actual conversation with me and they had trouble just trying to speak to me. I was almost to my room when I saw Kristy.
"Did your boyfriend leave yet?" she asked with a smirk on her face.
Charlie was firm when he said, "Kristy shut up."
"Sorry." She kept walking and I went in my room and lied across my bed.
Charlie followed me in my room. "Charlie I just want to be alone."
"Why?"
"I want to lie here and pretend that they care."
"They do care. They," he paused then started again, "they don't know how to deal with what they saw. Once they figure it out, they're going to want to talk to you about your relationship with Tom."
"Yeah, whatever. I'm not going to hurt myself so you can leave. Please. And shut the door behind you. I promise I won't lock it." I threw the last part in as my way of assuring him that I wasn't going to do anything.
He accepted it, "Okay."
I buried my face in my pillow and screamed. My parents knew my biggest secret and they simply didn't care. I was gay but even that was not enough to get them to stop ignoring me. I surrendered myself to the possibility that I might never be able to garner their attention for longer than a minute. Then I felt the need to counter that with a positive thought. I told myself I may not have had my parents but I had Charlie and Tom and sometimes Matt and that was good. I wasn't alone and I wasn't completely misunderstood. That knowledge kept me from letting my emotions win. I told myself again, `I'm stronger than this,' and for a moment, I actually believed I was.
Copyright Lustyville 2010
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