"What's going on with Matt?"
Charlie pushed his door all the way open and stepped to the side. Matt motioned for me to sit next to him on the bed. I sat next to him and he leaned his head on my shoulder. Charlie closed the door then said, "Matt saw his mother."
"When?"
"A few days ago. She wants him to come live with her."
As Charlie said those words, a million thoughts ran through my head but I only had one feeling: understanding. Matt's meltdowns began to make sense to me. It was bigger than him not taking his pills for a couple of days. His mother was the one who started it all. She was the source of his problems but at the same time, he still loved her. He must have been driving himself crazy trying to decide if he was going to return to the woman who had broken his heart, his body and his spirit but also given him life.
I wondered why he hadn't told me. "I didn't know."
"I had to make him tell me. He started crying on my neck and I'm the only person allowed to cry in my room today." Charlie smiled and Matt giggled. Charlie sighed and sat on the other side of Matt. "Matt doesn't know what he should do. I told him we would vote on it. My vote is no. Now what's yours?"
I knew the right answer was `no,' but I wanted to think about it for a second. "I need a minute to process this." Matt couldn't go back to his mother. I knew that was a recipe for disaster. "Okay, I've thought about it. I vote no."
"Well that's two to one, so I guess we win."
I shook Matt's head off my shoulder. "You voted yes?"
He gave me a sheepish grin. "She's my mother."
"I thought you said you wouldn't know what to do if you saw her again?"
"I thought I wouldn't, but I saw her and all I could think about was missing her. She's changed. She was really nice to me. I mean she looked pretty good and she said she's been sober for a few years now. She misses me too and she wants to be my mother again." He looked me in my eyes and said, "I want to have a real mother."
I felt a soft aching in my heart. I wanted the same thing. "You have a mother. You said Mrs. Washington wanted you."
"I'm not her son and I'll never really be her son. Besides, things weren't always bad when I was with my mother. We had some good times."
I reminded him, "But you had a lot of bad times too."
"But we had some good times. She wasn't all bad and now that she's better, I think things will be okay. I mean I'm not a kid anymore. It's not like she's going to abuse me."
Charlie sighed, "She doesn't have to lay a hand on you to hurt you."
"I don't want to think like that. I want to believe in her."
"But you shouldn't." Charlie said.
"He knows that. Don't you, Matt? That's why you've been having so many issues lately. You know living with her is the worst thing you could do to yourself, but there's a part of you that wants nothing else."
It seemed like Matt couldn't look at me anymore. He slid off the bed and sat on the floor. "Doesn't every child want to be with their mother?" he asked.
I slid off the bed and sat next to him. "No."
Matt rested his head on the bed. Charlie ran his fingers through Matt's hair. Charlie said, "I'm not going to let you live with her."
We left things at that for a while. Matt and I sat quietly on the floor and Charlie lied back on his bed. I kept wondering why Matt hadn't told me. The relief I had felt earlier went away. I could have handled his secret. I wished he would have told me first. Matt grabbed my hand. He kissed by my ear and whispered, "I wasn't going to tell anybody, but Charlie wasn't talking to me and I knew that would get his attention." He squeezed my hand.
I smirked to myself because Matt had traded a secret in order to get Charlie's attention. It was certainly well within Matt's character to do something like that and Charlie was just being Charlie. Charlie might have been weighed down with his own problems but he wouldn't let that stop him from saving Matt from a bad decision.
Matt reached over with his other hand and started rubbing his fingers against the back of my hand. He finally placed his other hand on top of mine and he held it there for a minute. He rubbed his entire palm against the back of my hand then his hand began inching up my arm. He leaned towards me again and whispered, "I can give you a reason to wish I went away."
I jumped away from him and sat on the bed. Charlie opened his eyes and looked at me. "What were you two whispering about?"
"Nothing."
Charlie squinted his eyes like he was adjusting to the light then he sat up. He put his hand on his head and pushed his eyebrow up with his thumb. He made a couple of small circles with his thumb then he moved his hand and grabbed Matt's shoulder. "You can't get Sam to change his vote by pretending to hit on him."
Matt turned his head to the side, but he didn't look at Charlie. "You shouldn't eavesdrop," he said.
"You shouldn't mess with my brother with me less than a foot away."
"Who says I was messing with him? Maybe I've had a change of heart. Maybe I've decided to say, `screw friendship, let's see where this leads.' If I'm going to live with my mother again, I might as well go back to being the real me."
"Who is the real you?" Charlie asked.
"The real me has a confession."
"What?"
"I've been lying to you."
"So you're not going to live with her?"
"No and I didn't see her either. I made it up."
"Why would you make it up?"
"You were down and I wanted to distract you from your problems." Charlie shook his head. Matt sat in Charlie's lap and asked, "Do you forgive me?" I didn't understand their weird friendship. I knew Charlie wasn't interested in Matt in a sexual way, but the intimate way they sometimes interacted with each other made me squeamish and incredibly uncomfortable.
"Yeah. I forgive you. You really need to work on this lying thing."
"I work on it in therapy but I haven't been able to kick it. It's a major part of my core makeup. I've always been lying about something." Matt stood. "I'll give you some time to yourself." He looked at me. "Come on Sam, let's go to your room."
Charlie gave me an awkward look. I think we both knew there really was something wrong with Matt but neither of us knew how to get him to tell us. I shrugged and stood. "I'll see you in the morning."
I made sure to close his door as we left. Matt ran to my room and jumped on my bed while I closed my door. Matt stretched out on my bed and watched me walk towards him. "Where am I going to sleep?" he asked.
"I thought you were sleeping with Charlie?"
Matt smirked. "Well," he took a slight pause "no, I'm kidding. I was going to sleep with him but I think he needs to be alone."
"Fine, where do you want to sleep?"
"In the bed."
"Okay, I'll take the floor."
He laughed. "We can share." I swallowed hard. My mouth went dry and all I wanted to do was sit down but I couldn't decide where to sit. "Sam, I'm not going to do anything. You sleep on your side of the bed and I'll sleep on mine."
I didn't know the rules for that. It seemed wrong. I wondered what Tom would think. Holding Matt and accidentally falling asleep while we were fully dressed was completely different than getting in the bed with Matt while I was half naked and purposely going to sleep. "I think I'll sleep on the floor."
"Sam, we can sleep head to toe if that makes you more comfortable."
I decided to try again to get him to leave my room. "Maybe you should share a bed with Charlie. I'm sure he'll even hold you all night."
"I changed my mind. I don't want him to hold me tonight. I want to sleep in here," he whined, "and I want to share the bed with you. What are you so afraid of?"
"I have a boyfriend. It seems inappropriate for me to share a bed with you."
"You just laid in bed with me and held me at Mrs. Jackson's!"
"I know, but that was different."
He rolled his eyes. "Look, you can sleep on top of the covers. In fact, I would prefer if you did."
I gave in, "Fine."
He was pretty quiet after that. I did some homework and he fell asleep on my bed. I went to the bathroom to prepare for bed and when I came back, Matt was sitting up with his eyes filled with tears. "I thought you left," he whispered.
I almost laughed at how ridiculous that sounded. "I live here. Where would I go?"
"To another room to sleep because you couldn't bear the thought of sharing a room with me again."
"Oh, okay, I get it." I paused and he gave me an expression that said, `Yeah, I know you get it.' without him having to actually say a word. I explained, "I had to use the bathroom and brush my teeth. You were sleeping so I didn't see the point in waking you up just to let you know I was leaving the room." I also had to take my medication, but it didn't feel right to say it out loud.
"Oh, okay." He laid back on my bed. "I think I'll sleep in these clothes" He sat up on his elbows and stared at me. "What do you think about that?"
"What am I supposed to think about that? If you want to sleep in your clothes then sleep in your clothes." He grinned and I knew he was testing me. I wasn't sure what the test was but his reaction told me there was more to his question. I turned off the light and walked to the bed.
Matt whispered, "I'll just sleep on top of the covers since I'm too lazy to move."
I got under the covers and turned my back to Matt. I fell asleep but I woke up because Matt was thrashing around. He seemed to be fighting with someone. I heard him say, "no" a couple of times. I was afraid to wake him so I sat there and waited for it to end. A few minutes later, he kicked me out of the bed. As I went flying over the side of the bed, I realized two things: one, Matt was under the covers; and two, he had one hell of a kick. Kicking me must have woken him up because seconds after I hit the floor, he was trying to help me up.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"It's okay."
"I was having a bad dream."
"I figured that." He got back in bed and I tried to sound casual as I remarked, "You're under the covers."
"I know. I got cold." I lied on top of the covers. "Sam."
"Yeah."
"There's something I should probably tell you."
I waited for him to tell me what it was, but he surprised me with complete silence. I couldn't hear him breath or feel him moving the bed. "I'm listening," I said. "What do you want to tell me?"
"First you have to promise not to tell anyone. If I want someone to know, I'll tell them in my own way."
I assumed by someone, he meant Charlie. That made me feel good. He was trusting me with something he hadn't told Charlie yet. "Okay."
"I think Mr. Washington is starting to like me."
"That's good, right?"
"No. You don't get it. I think Mr. Washington is starting to think about taking me up on my offer."
"Has he done something?"
"No, but he gives me this look sometimes and I know that look. He's picturing my lips on his body. It's only a matter of days before he tries something. I had to get out of there tonight so he wouldn't be tempted."
"I thought he turned you down when you kissed him."
"He did, but it must have been to throw me off. If I kissed him today, I don't think he would pull away."
I thought about my encounters with Mr. Washington. Mr. Washington didn't seem like the type to play games. If he turned Matt down once, I was fairly certain he would turn Matt down again. I wondered if Matt's previous experiences with older men were tainting his perception of the events. "Have you talked about this with Dr. Conley, I mean, Leyland?"
"For what? Mr. Washington hasn't done anything wrong yet."
"He's making you uncomfortable."
"Yes, he is, but no one is going to believe me if I don't have proof. I'm kind of not known for being honest." I was going to ask him if he was lying again. Before I could, he said, "I'm not lying about this."
"What if he never tries anything with you? What if he looks but he never touches because he knows that it's wrong?"
"I've never been with a family this long without something bad happening to me."
"Do you want something bad to happen to you?"
"What's with all the questions? Are you Dr. Leyland now?"
His annoyance cut through the air and slapped me across the face. I was only trying to help. I thought he was being paranoid. Mr. Washington hadn't done anything but Matt was on edge waiting for something to happen. I didn't know how to figure out what was really going on without asking questions but Matt seemed to be tired of the questions.
"I'm sorry. I just want to understand what's happening."
"Things are looking down again. That's what's happening."
"Do you want me to hold you?" I didn't know what else I could do.
He laughed. "Now you want to feel me up too?"
"Nevermind."
"You can't take it back. My answer is yes, but I want you to get under the covers with me."
I got under the covers and held him. He was breathing slowly and eventually our breathing was synchronized. I couldn't tell if he had started breathing faster or if I had started breathing slower. It was nice to relax. Everything around us was still, but my mind was fully active. I was planning the next day and trying to come up with a way to figure out if Matt's belief about Mr. Washington was right or if I was right. I knew you couldn't look at someone and tell if they were an abuser, but I couldn't see Mr. Washington hurting Matt. If he was interested he should have acted when Matt made a pass at him. It didn't make sense to wait and even if it was about control, Mr. Washington could have at least tried something slightly inappropriate, but he hadn't. Mr. Washington had treated Matt like he was his son but Matt didn't know how to be someone's son. He'd filled the shoes of the victim all of his life. He probably was having trouble adjusting to being treated like a regular kid. I wouldn't flat out accuse him of imagining things but I was definitely skeptical about the situation.
I reminded myself that I wasn't an expert on how people's minds worked. I knew how my mind worked; I was learning how Tom's mind worked; and I had a good idea of how Matt's mind worked; but I knew little about other people's minds. That thought made me think about my mother. I didn't know anything about the way her mind worked. I attributed thoughts to her, but I could never confirm if my view of our relationship was the same as her view. Charlie had proven that I could easily be completely wrong with my perception of how someone else viewed me. Matt had a mother he would probably never see again and I had a mother who was right down the hall but she was a stranger to me.
I think it was guilt that gripped my heart and coaxed a lone tear to streak down my cheek. I wondered if my mother would open up to me like Charlie had. I wondered if all she was waiting for was me to reach out to her, then I started feeling angry. She could have reached out to me. Then I thought I had already had that argument with myself and I was too sleepy to go over it again.
My mind flashed to Tom for a second, but I quickly pushed those thoughts away because it didn't seem right to be thinking about Tom and sleeping with Matt. Plus I was a little afraid that my mental images of Tom would get me a little excited. For some reason I was having trouble thinking about Tom fully dressed and not kissing me. Over the course of our relationship, we had millions of moments with us together in a platonic way but the new parameters of our relationship were taking over my mind and pushing aside the other memories.
I thought about the day I had. So much had happened, but I was okay. I wasn't reaching for my bottom drawer or fantasizing about ways to hurt myself. It was another successful day. I couldn't wait to tell Dr. Conley how well I was doing. I had my moments but I was light years ahead of where I'd been. It was good to remind myself of the progress I had made.
My mind slowly started winding down. I held Matt and listened to him lightly snore. He had so many troubles. I just wanted to hold him and wish away his problems and his paranoia. I wanted him to take a break from lying but lying was second nature to him. I still didn't understand how he lied with such ease. I wondered if he got a little thrill when he told a lie. He obviously couldn't stop.
I drifted off to sleep at some point. When I opened my eyes, Matt was staring at me. He smiled and leaned in and gave me a quick kiss followed by a goofy smile. "Good morning," he said.
I could smell the toothpaste on his breath. It took me a moment to realize that he was on top of the covers and he was wearing a different outfit. I knew his eyes were locked on me. I felt his gaze. I looked at his face again and we stared until I surrendered and looked away. I looked at the clock and I still had a few minutes before I needed to move.
"Why are you up so early," I asked.
"I didn't want to be in anyone's way so I got up and took a shower really early. Then I checked on Charlie. He's a good kisser in his sleep." Matt wiggled his eyebrows. "Don't be surprised if he starts keeping his door locked."
"You didn't really kiss him, did you?"
"I kissed you, didn't I?"
I don't know what expression I had, but Matt laughed his ass off. "You should see your face," he said. When he was done laughing, he contorted his face in to an awkward expression where his eyes did this weird thing and his mouth hung open.
"I didn't make that face," I told him.
"Oh yes you did." He smiled and reached for my hair.
I swatted his hand away. "What are you doing?"
"Why are you always so tense? I was just going to fix your hair." He smirked and said, "Don't tell Charlie I told you about the kiss. He kind of freaked out." Matt sat up on the bed. "I actually wasn't expecting Charlie to kiss me back. I thought I would kiss him and he would wake up and that would be it, but he kissed me." He paused and brushed his lips. "He kissed me." He cast his eyes down at the bed, "Then he opened his eyes." He looked off to the side. "It was good until he realized I wasn't Janet. He was probably dreaming about her. He opened his eyes and saw that it was me and I blinked and he was on the other side of the room asking me what the hell I was doing in his room." Matt laughed. "I pretended to cry and he felt bad. He was nice again after that. He very gently asked me why I was in his room. I apologized for kissing him. I told him that I hadn't expected him to kiss me back, but when he did, I couldn't help myself and I told him that I just wanted to wake him up so we could talk." Matt glanced at the clock, "I told him about Mr. Washington. He thinks I may be judging Mr. Washington based on the men I've known before. He could be right. That's why I'm going to put Mr. Washington to the test." Matt glanced back at the clock. "Shouldn't you be getting up now?"
"How are you going to test Mr. Washington?"
"Don't worry about that." He stood up. "Now go get ready. I promised your mother I would eat breakfast with her." He practically skipped out the room. I wanted to have breakfast with my mother. I wondered what it would be like for the two of us to sit at the table together and eat. It had been a while since we had done that and even then, we hadn't talked much. I forced myself to get out of bed. I was trying to decide what to wear when Matt walked in the room. "Hey, you need to get a move on. Your parents want to have breakfast with you."
"Huh?"
"Your parents were wondering if you would hurry up and come eat with us."
"Uh, yeah. Okay. I can be down in ten minutes."
"Your parents didn't think I could get you to come eat with us. Your father bet me twenty dollars that I couldn't. I guess I'll buy us a pizza after school." He disappeared from the doorway then quickly reappeared, "Oh and could you do me a favor and make a big show of eating? I think they'd really like to see that. And whatever you do, don't go to the bathroom after you eat. If you have to use the bathroom after breakfast then you should wait until we get to school." He winked and I had a passing urge to hit him.
I was both excited and nervous to eat breakfast with my parents. On a typical morning, we barely crossed paths. Occasionally we would be in the kitchen in the morning at the same time but we didn't have conversations. Since I returned from the hospital, we had hardly exchanged words. I'd sit at the dinner table and people would either talk about me like I wasn't there or ignore me completely.
I rushed as I got ready to eat breakfast with my family. I didn't want to make them wait too long because I was afraid they might eat without me. I took a lightning fast shower. I saw Charlie in the hallway. He said, "Good morning," then ran in the bathroom.
I jumped in my clothes and tried to keep myself from tripping over my own feet as I tried to get to the kitchen. My father was sitting at the table, sipping coffee. My mother was standing at the stove cooking pancakes and frying sausage. Matt was leaning against the counter, talking about something.
I walked in quietly, trying not to draw too much attention to myself. I sat at the table and my father smiled at me. Matt stopped mid-sentence. My mother sounded almost bubbly when she said, "Good morning, Honey. How are you feeling?"
My response was a little delayed because it took me a moment to realize she was talking to me. I turned towards her and said, "I'm good. How are you?"
"I'm fine. I'm glad you could join us."
"Me too."
The family I had breakfast with was not my family. I was the same, but my mother and my father were putting on a show for Matt. The three of them tried to pull me in to conversations but I couldn't join. I wasn't able to talk to them. I felt out of place but Matt seemed right at home. Charlie wandered in to the kitchen and asked if Matt and I were almost ready for school. He grabbed a plate and wolfed down a scary ration of food. I didn't think I would be able to stand up if I ate that much.
I watched Charlie and Matt interact with each other. Charlie seemed a bit distant but he didn't seem sad. I also watched the way Charlie interacted with our parents. It was so natural. So easy. So simple. You could tell that he was completely comfortable with them. Kristy came in a few minutes later. She scowled at Matt then glared at me. "Well aren't you a social butterfly now. Two guys in one night?"
Charlie yelled, "Kristy!"
My father questioned, "Two? Who else was here?"
"I helped Tom sneak in yesterday. He didn't want anyone to see him for some reason."
My mother said, "That's because he's not supposed to be here. His mother called me and told me he wasn't allowed to be here for a few weeks."
My father said, "Kristy, why don't you take your breakfast to the other room and eat in there while you wait for the bus? And Charlie, why don't you and Matt give us a minute with Sam."
Matt smiled at Charlie, but Charlie had little reaction. The kitchen cleared and I was left with my parents. I spent the first anxious minute waiting for one of them to say something. My mother said, "If Mrs. Yeager doesn't want Tom over here for a few weeks, you should respect that."
I couldn't look at her, so I voiced my agreement to the table, "Okay."
That was it. That was all they had to say to me. I waited for five minutes before I accepted the truth: they were reprimanding me because Matt was there and they wanted him to think that was how things worked in our house, but that wasn't how things worked. The way things were as I sat there with the two of them was how things worked. They didn't have much to say to me and I didn't have much to say to them. I hated myself for wanting so desperately for things to be different between us. When Matt told me my parents wanted to have breakfast with me, it was as if someone had confirmed my place in the family and it gave me hope. Too much hope. The way they treated me was clearly not going to change. They had checked out on me a long time ago, but I was still clinging to a life raft, expecting them to come back for me some day. I was an idiot.
My father cleared his throat then looked at his watch. "We still have a couple of minutes. Sam why don't you go get Kristy and tell her we'd like to have a word with her."
"Okay." That was the end of our family breakfast. For a second, I allowed myself to believe the only reason my father wanted me to go get Kristy was because he wanted an excuse to make me leave the room because he didn't want to look at me. I managed to push that thought away and replace it with what was really going on: they loved Kristy more than me and they wanted to see her because they wanted to punish her. They cared when she stepped out of line, but they didn't care when I did it. I was unimportant.
Kristy, Charlie and Matt were sitting in the living room watching television. I sent Kristy to the kitchen and she groaned about getting in trouble. I smiled to myself. She was upset because she was about to be punished and I was upset because my parents refused to punish me.
I took Kristy's spot on the sofa next to Charlie. "Don't sit," Charlie said. "It's time to go, or you guys will be late."
Matt and I gathered our things. I called shotgun. Charlie looked relieved. We listened to the radio as we rode to school. Charlie and Matt were in their own worlds but I was physically and mentally in the car. I wanted one of them to say something and when they didn't, I decided I would.
"So Charlie, how are you feeling today?"
"I'm not thinking about Janet, if that's what you want to know. I have other things to worry about today."
"How many times do I have to tell you I'm sorry?" Matt asked.
Charlie looked in the rearview mirror. "I accepted your apology for what you did. The other things I have to deal with have nothing to do with you. I know you probably expect me to be weirded out, but I'm not." He quickly added, "No, that doesn't mean I want to kiss you again. No I'm not bi or gay or even remotely interested. I like you, but it's not my thing. Janet made sure I'd be hooked on women for life."
Matt replied, "I bet I could do anything she could do and I could probably do it better."
"I don't doubt you could, but I'm not interested. Besides, what happened to all your talk about respecting boundaries?"
"Can you really believe anything I say?"
Charlie thought about it for a second. "Yeah, I can. I know everything you say isn't a lie."
"How do you know that?"
"Matt!"
"Fine, keep thinking you know me, but don't be mad at me when you discover that you don't. Only Sam knows the real me. Isn't that right, Sam?"
"I think Charlie knows you pretty well."
"Then I guess you don't really know me either," he said.
I think that was the moment the difference between us became apparent to me. I was the one desperately trying to get better. He was the one pretending to be moving forward, but secretly trying to sabotage his own progress. He was the type of person who claimed all they wanted was to be happy then proceeded to do subtle things to send happiness running in the other direction. I wanted things to work out for me. He said he wanted things to work out but he was subconsciously preparing himself for everything to fail. He said he wanted to stay friends with me. He said he would never cross the line, but it was becoming clear to me that there were no lines he wouldn't cross, whether intentionally or by accident. Unlike me, no medication could help him cope with what was wrong with him. His meds, like mine, helped him mellow out, but he needed more than that.
I told myself he needed good friends and a good family and he needed both to stay in his life. Once we all finished jumping through his hoops and passing his tests, he would see that we weren't going anywhere and maybe he would stop fighting against what he had. I mentally patted myself on the back then made a note to inform Dr. Conley of my prescription for Matt. I smiled when I wondered if Dr. Conley should pay me for my input.
That car ride was a turning point for me. My incident at the hospital had been the catalyst for me trying to fix myself, and Matt's inability to fully accept anyone's unconditional love was the catalyst for me deciding to work on fixing my relationship with my family. I didn't want Matt to look at my family and see it as yet another imperfect family, fractured by an unlovable child. I wanted to show him that I was worthy of my parents' love, because in my mind, it was the only way he would believe me when I started trying to convince him to let the Washington's love him. How could I ask him to accept love from his foster parents if I remained unwilling to accept love from my biological parents?
I felt like a new person when I walked in the school. I felt even better when I saw Tom waiting for me at my locker.
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© Lustyville 2011
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