Dinner with Tom's family was an interesting experience. Tom bit his lip when I ordered a salad but the conversation never ventured to my food even though Tom overtly watched my bowl and his mother tried to be sneaky with her frequent glances in my direction. I knew what both of them were doing but I feigned ignorance. Ignoring their stares was the hard part of the evening, everything else was easy.
We were in Tom's car riding down the road singing along with the radio when Tom turned the radio off. "Salad Sam?" His annoyance was almost tangible.
"You said eat something and I did." He sighed and turned the radio back on.
The rest of the ride was spent suffering through an uncomfortable silence that was fragmented by four solid attempts to speak by Tom and one attempt by me. None of our attempts managed to become finished words and the blaring sound of the radio seemed more like background music.
Tom parked in front of my house and we sat in his car and ignored each other. I don't know why I felt the need to continue to sit there until he said something but I knew I couldn't leave without talking to him. The minutes stretched out and basked in the moonlight as I waited patiently to hear his voice. "I hate this song," Tom said and the wall of silence crumbled.
"Me too," I replied, unable to hide my eagerness to communicate with him.
He smiled at me and all was forgiven; that was how we were. He turned the radio off and reached in his pocket for his ipod. A few seconds later a song I hoped to never hear again began to play and tears filled my eyes. "Remember this?" he asked as he turned up the music.
I wiped away a renegade tear. "Are you trying to make me cry?"
He laughed until he looked at me then he quickly turned the music off. "I was actually trying to set the mood. What's wrong?"
"This song makes me think about saying goodbye to you," I confessed.
"Really? This song makes me think about when I knew I was in love with you."
I chuckled at the irony. "And when was that?"
"Right before you left for the clinic the second time. I remember we were in my room singing this song and you were on my bed. You had on that blue Superman shirt that I hated because it brought out your eyes and made it hard not to stare at you." I smiled to myself. I always wondered why Tom hated that shirt. "Anyway," he continued, "I caught a glimpse of you from the side of my eye and I felt like you were looking at me so I turned to look at you and I stopped singing for a few seconds when our eyes met because it seemed as if you were singing the song to me. My heart got all excited and started pounding in my chest when you didn't turn away and for a second all I could think about doing was kissing you. I smiled at you and started singing again and I tried to shake the thoughts away but I've known for sure that I was in love with you and those stupid blue eyes of yours since then. Every time I hear this song I picture you singing to me and it makes me feel happy and warm and just good all over and I love it." His smile stretched across his face and he grabbed my hand. "I love you."
I wished I could smile with him but the song had taken me to a dark place. I loved him too and I was singing to him that day but it didn't make me happy to think about it. I cleared my throat. "It was my way of saying goodbye to you before I left because I wasn't sure I was coming back." I closed my eyes and let the tears fall. "I honestly thought I might die. I felt so sick, I was cramping up all the time and I was so tired but I tried to put on a good show for you so you would think I was okay." I sniffled and then I laughed at getting so worked up over nothing. "I hate that song," I said in between tears and laughter.
He squeezed my hand, "It's okay." I panicked for a moment when he let go of my hand.
I heard Tom unbuckle his seatbelt and then his fingers wiped away my tears. He undid my seatbelt and pulled me towards him and he held the back of my head firmly as he planted tender angel kisses all over my face, including my closed eyelids. He kissed all around my mouth, but he didn't kiss me on my lips. The remnants of sadness were quickly replaced by horniness. Tom's free hand pressed seductively against my thigh. I wanted him to kiss me so badly that my body began to tremble with anticipation.
I begged, "Kiss me."
He laughed. "I have that song too if you want to listen to it."
"Don't make jokes." I opened my eyes. "Just kiss me, please."
He pushed my hair behind my ears and stared in to my eyes as he leaned in and kissed me. His lips were silky soft but I didn't get to enjoy them for too long because he closed his eyes and his tongue charged in to my mouth. His tongue lit a fire every where it touched and his hand crept up my thigh and lit a fire in my lap. "God I love you," he said when the kiss was over. I could only imagine the goofy smile that was on my face. "Did you keep your eyes open?" he asked.
My smile grew wider and I stared dumbly in to his eyes and attempted to absorb the rays of happiness that emanated in my direction. "How can you look at me like that?" I wondered out loud.
His happiness suddenly vanished, fading quickly in to the night, "Not again," he whispered.
I might as well have thrown the moment out the window because it was as good as gone. "I'm sorry. Pretend I didn't say anything."
His hands retreated from touching me. He looked at me and rolled his eyes then he sat in his seat and placed his hands on the steering wheel, "I'll see you tomorrow," he said in a tone drenched in sadness.
I reached over and rubbed the back of his neck. "I said I was sorry."
"I heard you," he paused, "I'm just tired. You know I had to get up early this morning. I guess it's catching up with me."
I knew he was lying. He wanted to get away from me because I upset him. I couldn't even love him the right way and I wasn't sure why I tried. I slid my hand down the side of his neck then down his arm before resting my hand on top of his. "Call me when you get home." I thought I sounded desperate and although I was, I didn't want him to know because that somehow made me seem even more pathetic. I began to pull my hand away.
Tom quickly turned his hand over and grabbed mine. He lifted it to his lips and softly kissed the back of my hand. I knew the smile he flashed was fake but I smiled back at him anyway. "I'll call you as soon as I get home."
"Okay." I pulled my hand away. He wasn't happy and in that instant I hated him for acting like he was. My mind told me that he didn't think I could handle his anger. He was never afraid to get upset with me before he knew about my bottom drawer. Did he think I was pitiful enough to let a fight with him drive me up to my room to hurt myself? Of course he did because he knew I was weak. I chastised myself and almost lost a few more tears as I admitted in my heart that he was right. Hell I was about to go pull out a smashed cigarette anyway because I was sick of crying. I hated crying. Crying was an admission of complete and utter defeat.
I took a deep breath and told myself I was being paranoid and Tom was just being Tom. It was after the breath that I realized I was looking directly in to Tom's eyes and a frigid chill zipped through my body as my heart momentarily stopped beating. I swore Tom was reading my thoughts and that scared the fuck out of me. He raised his eyebrows and I snapped back to attention. He wasn't just being Tom. There was more to it. There was thinking behind his actions and what seemed to be a genuine fear of how I might react to him. I wasn't sure what to make of Tom's odd behavior so I smiled and let panic drive my legs as I hurried out of the car.
I ran through my house and directly to my room. I'm not sure if I took a breath before I slammed my door shut and fell on all fours on the floor gasping for air. Something was wrong with me. I felt lightheaded and my bed looked a million miles away. I knew I wasn't going to make it to the bed so I allowed my body to plop down on the floor and I closed my eyes. My heart was thumping ferociously like it was trying to hammer its way out of my body and each thump seemed to become increasingly louder. I tried to breath. I tried so hard but I just couldn't get enough air. My body started to tingle and then I must have blacked out because I opened my eyes and everything was normal again.
My phone was ringing and I wondered if the ringing was the reason I woke up. I pulled my phone out and opened it then put it on the side of my face and rested it there instead of trying to hold it. "Hey Tom."
"You sound strange. Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." I took a deep breath. "What time is it?"
"I'm sorry. I would have called you right after I got home but my mother wanted to talk to me."
I parted my lips to ask him what time it was again and then I realized he would know something was wrong. "Thanks for calling."
As usual, he read my mind. "You don't feel like talking?"
"No, not right now."
"Oh, okay. Go back to sleep. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Okay."
He hung up the phone and I laid on the floor a few minutes longer trying to gather the strength to make it to my bed. I closed my phone and sat it beside my head before deciding to sleep right where I was. I figured I should at least know what time it was so I pushed myself up and looked at the clock on my night stand. I had only lost an hour. I dropped back on the floor and realized I could have just looked at the clock on my phone. I closed my eyes and went back to sleep. I slept peacefully for about two hours and then I woke up and dragged myself to the bed. I basically collapsed on top of my covers.
My eyes opened and glanced at the clock. They closed then my brain shot in to action and my eyes jumped open as I started running around trying to get ready for school. I was going to be late. There was no way around it.
I used the bathroom and brushed my teeth then I went in my room and put on some clothes. I was about to grab my bag and go when I had an idea. I was already late and I hadn't done my homework so I figured it wouldn't matter if I took a little extra time to find my old shirt. I looked in the closet and found it underneath a pile of clothes on the floor. I had only worn the shirt when I was around Tom but I felt like breaking the monotony of my black wardrobe and shocking him. I replaced the black shirt I had on with the dingy blue Superman shirt. I closed the closet door and my reflection startled me. The person in the full length mirror staring back at me was almost a stranger. I recognized the black boots, the black pants, the spiky belt, the black lace sleeve and the black glove on my right hand, but the blue shirt with the red and yellow S emblem on the chest was foreign to me. Even my face looked strange without my makeup. I half-smiled at the stranger and then I had another idea. I grabbed a rubberband off of my desk and pulled my hair back in to a ponytail. I didn't know what made me do it, but I knew I was doing it for Tom.
I grabbed my bag and left. The closer I got to school, the harder each step became as I realized how I was dressed. I almost turned around and ran home a few times because I didn't understand why I had made such a drastic impulsive decision.
The school seemed different when I walked through the doors. I went to the office to sign in for being tardy and get a pass. The secretary watched me carefully. "You look nice," she said as she handed me a pass.
The way she looked at me made me blush. "Thanks." I left the office and went to class. The teacher and the class looked at me strangely and I wished I had my hair in my face so I could hide from their eyes. A few of the girls giggled when I walked by. I sat down and dropped my eyes to my desk. I walked with my head down for the next few classes.
The girl in front of me in the lunch line turned around and eyed me. "Sam, right?" she asked.
"Yes."
"You're friends with Tom, right?"
"Yes."
"You don't remember me, do you?"
I gave her a good once over and quickly looked back down. I knew who she was, but I lied, "No, not really."
"I'm Sarah. I served you and Tom pizza on your date last week."
"Oh, yeah," I said before it dawned on me that she used the word date.
"You look really good today. Tom must be making you pretty happy."
I wanted to get out of the line and run home but I felt trapped. "Um."
She invaded my personal space, "Don't worry, your secret is safe with me." She paid for her food and headed to her seat at the cheerleading table.
I paid for my food and sat at my usual table. The guy who threw the apple at me the week before came over to my table and sat down across from me. I looked up at him and quickly looked back down at my tray. "What the hell is wrong with you?" I ignored him. "Is this your attempt at looking normal?" He popped me on my forehead. "You're still a freak."
One of his friends walked over and stood next to him. "James what the hell are you doing over here?"
"Just reminding this loser that he'll always be a loser."
"Dude he's wearing fishnet stockings on his arms. I think he knows he's a loser."
"Is that true? Do you know you're a loser?" James asked me. I didn't answer him. "I know you hear me!"
His friend dropped his tray on the table and came around to my side. He grabbed my ponytail and yanked my head back. I was forced to look at him and he stared down at me with a twisted expression on his face. "Answer him!" I looked defiantly in to his eyes. He spit directly on my face. "The girls may think you look good today but no matter how pretty you look, you're still a loser." He pulled my hair even harder and forced me to grimace in pain.
"Hey Billy maybe we should help the loser," James said.
"Huh?" Billy asked. He looked over at James and a wicked grin appeared on Billy's face. "Yeah, maybe we should help him."
Soon James was standing on the other side of my head. "Girls don't like anorexic boys. Maybe you should bulk up some." I saw the open carton of milk in his hand and I knew where his `help' was going so I closed my eyes and waited to be drowned in milk.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you." Of course Tom was coming to save me. Billy let go of my hair and I sat up straight and rubbed the remainder of his spit off of my face.
"Tom what is it with you and this loser?" James asked.
"James, just fuck off!" Tom yelled.
"You act like he's your girlfriend or something," Billy said. The look on Tom's face changed and Billy noticed. "That's it, isn't it? Is he your little girlfriend now? Is that why he's looking so pretty today?" His hand rubbed through my hair. "Huh? Are you two together? Did you let the faggot suck your dick last night?"
James laughed. "No, no, no. Tom is a real man. I'm sure he bent him over and fucked him."
"Stop being assholes. It's not like that! Sam is my friend!" Tom glared at Billy and said, "Now take your fucking hands off of him or I will break your fingers one by one."
"Come on Tom, his hair is so soft," Billy patted me on my head a few times. "Almost reminds me of my bitch. You remember her, don't you?"
Tom's tray crashed to the floor and he charged around the table and grabbed Billy by his shirt collar. "How many times do I have to beat the shit out of you before you get the fucking picture? Are you stupid or something? When I tell you to stay away from Sam, I mean it! When I tell you to take your hands off of him, I mean it. And when I tell you I will break your fingers one by one," he pulled Billy even closer, "I MEAN IT!" He grabbed Billy's hand, "Now which finger do you want to lose first?"
Billy pulled his hand away and stepped back. "Chill Tom, you know we were just having a little fun."
"You say that every time and how often do I believe you?"
A lunchroom lady walked over. "Is there a problem here?"
"Of course not Ms. Walker. We were just horsing around," James said and then he put his arm around Billy's shoulder for emphasis and smiled.
Ms. Walker looked directly at me. "You look quite handsome today Sam." I wondered how she knew my name. "Don't let these two idiots bring you down with their jealousy."
"Jealousy?" James asked.
"Yes Mr. Hirsh, jealousy. I serve the food but I'm not deaf. I heard you in line talking about Sam. He can't help it that he's as cute as a button. If you come in here again with this mess I'm gonna have you banned from the cafeteria. Do you hear me?"
"You can't do that Ms. Walker. I have a right to eat lunch."
"Mr. Hirsh there is no law in the land that says you can only eat lunch in the cafeteria. I'm sure the principal will see fit to let you eat in the hallway or the library, or better yet, his office."
"We really are just playing around with Sam. Its how we get along," Billy chirped in.
"Well find another way to get along with him because I don't think he enjoys your current displays of affection."
"Ms. Walker,"
"Boy don't Ms. Walker me. Go on and sit at your usual table." Billy and James didn't move. "Do I need to get security?"
"No ma'am. We're leaving." The two of them walked around the table, got their trays and left.
"Thanks," Tom told her.
"Don't thank me, thank Sarah. She came over and got me when she saw what was going on." She looked at me. "I don't understand why those boys would want to mess with you. You never bother anyone." She shook her head. "Well let me get back to work." She stepped over Tom's tray on the floor and turned to look at him. "I'll get you a mop to clean this mess up and then come back to me and I'll give you another lunch."
He nodded and picked up his tray. I sat and stared at my food until Tom returned to the table with a mop and water. After he cleaned up his mess he went and got some more food and then he sat across from me.
I had a lot of questions about Tom's relationship with Billy and James, but I was too busy seething with anger over something else, "Why didn't you just tell them?" I asked.
"Tell them what?"
"About us? You denied it. Are you ashamed of me?"
"What? Sam you know I'm not ashamed of you. I didn't think you wanted anyone to know, especially not those two."
I was straining to keep from crying because all I could think about was how he denied that we were together. I knew we weren't out in the open but a tiny voice in my head was shouting with increasing clarity that Tom didn't want anyone to know about us. I dropped my head and fought back the tears.
A few seconds later I felt his arm around me. "I love you and if you want me to stand up on this table right now and shout it to the cafeteria, just tell me, but I'm not going to sit here and watch you cry, especially when you're wearing my favorite shirt and you have your hair pulled back so the whole world can see how hot you look." He whispered, "And trust me, you do look rather hot today."
I had heard enough. I wasn't hot and we both knew that. The voice in my head told me every word out of his mouth was a lie. I stood up and ran away from him and I managed to make it in to one of the stalls in the bathroom before I allowed myself to cry. I hated crying and for a second I wished I was in my room so I could make myself feel better. I didn't understand why Tom made me cry so much. The voice in my head said it was because Tom was bad for me, but I knew that wasn't true. Tom loved me.
"Sam," Tom's voice was so soft that I had to stop crying in order to make sure I wasn't hearing things. "Sam," he whispered again. I opened my eyes and saw him on the floor with his face turned up towards me. He slid under the door and stood up inside the stall. "What's wrong?" he asked.
My first instinct was to make something up and hope he believed me but my mind had other plans, "I'm not cute or hot! I never have been! So when you lie to me about that it makes me wonder what else you're lying about." I paused. "Do you really love me? Are you sure you're not ashamed of me? I mean look at me! I'm pathetic. I know you hate it when I talk about myself but what's wrong with admitting the truth? Why do you want me to lie about who I am?"
"I don't want you to lie. I want you to realize that what you think about yourself is not right. You're beautiful and I don't know why you don't see it when you look in the mirror." He stepped forward and got some tissue so he could wipe my face. Once he was done, he balled the tissue up in his hand and smiled at me. I think the closeness was getting to both of us. "You know you don't have to pick a fight with me every time you want a kiss."
"I hate you," I said with a smirk.
"You hate how much you love me," he replied then he kissed me. I loved the way he kissed me because it was always passionate and deep like he couldn't get enough of me and he wanted to be as far inside me as he could get. He broke the kiss and his hot breath covered my face. "Your lips are better than lunch."
"Please don't say you're hungry for my body," I joked.
"I am, but we're at school so I'll settle for your lips." He nibbled on my bottom lip and I pulled back which caused him to bite down. My lip hurt so I licked it and tasted the sweet and tangy liquid. Tom panicked, "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. It feels good."
"But you're bleeding."
"I know." I licked my lip again. It stung but it was a nice kind of stinging.
He stared at me and I wondered what he was thinking. I could tell he wanted to say something about it but he must have decided against it because he changed the subject, "You want me to walk you to your next class?" he asked.
"I guess." I stood up. "I'm such a baby," I whispered.
He kissed me on the cheek. "You're my baby."
I laughed at him. "Please tell me I'm not making you this corny."
He put his arms around me and hugged me. I placed my head on his chest and reveled in the feeling of being a part of him. He had a way of knowing what I needed even before I knew I needed it.
"What time are you going to see Dr. Conley?"
"It's an emergency meeting. I don't know yet. I'm going to call him after school and find out when he can squeeze me in today."
"I want to go with you so call and let me know."
"Okay." I wanted to stay in his arms forever but I knew it wasn't possible.
Tom finally moved his arms and kissed me on my forehead. His right hand grabbed my left hand and he unlocked the door and led me out. He suddenly stopped and I walked in to him. I stepped to the side to see what had stopped him dead in his tracks. James was leaning against a sink staring at us.
James looked at me and winked. "I guess Billy wasn't too far off about you two, huh?" I couldn't tell if he was being facetious or serious. "Tom, Tom, Tom....hmph." James walked out the bathroom without saying another word.
"Do you think he's going to tell?" I asked.
"I'm not sure what's going on in that head of his, but we can't worry about that now." Tom dropped my hand. "Come on."
I spent the rest of the day missing Tom and dreading what James might be saying about Tom. I would have worried about myself but I knew I didn't matter. The stress made me want to go home and burn my leg but my thoughts of Tom stopped me. I felt guilty. I couldn't hurt myself because it would somehow be the equivalent of betraying Tom but I couldn't deny that I needed to have the rush of adrenaline associated with intense pain.
I called Dr. Conley and scheduled an emergency meeting for 6:00 then I called Tom and left a message so he would know the time of the appointment. After everything was scheduled I changed my pants and put on some black shorts and switched my boots with regular shoes and did my usual routine on the track. I smiled when my stomach started growling because I realized I hadn't eaten anything all day. The hunger egged me on to do something more fulfilling. I ran around the track until I couldn't suppress the urge any longer. I lunged forward and flew through the air before landing and sliding a few feet down the track. The tingling on my cheek started out hot but grew cold and painful as I stood up. I was in the middle of dusting off when I noticed I had skinned one of my knees.
"Are you okay?" someone shouted. I looked up and saw Sarah and James running towards me.
I had done it on the opposite side of the track hoping that the cheerleaders wouldn't notice. "I'm fine," I yelled back.
Sarah and James stopped in front of me and Sarah began trying to tend to my wounds with a towel. James stared at me with a puzzled look on his face. I wondered why he was popping up everywhere like some sort of jack-in-the-box stalker. "Are you retarded?" he asked. I looked away from him. "I saw what you did. Do you think you're Superman? Maybe that shirt you're wearing is too fucking tight."
"James shut the fuck up," Sarah yelled, "you're not helping."
"We can't give him the kind of help he needs. He's obviously a head case. You should have seen the way he just hurled himself on the track."
"James, shut up!"
"Sarah! I'm telling you that he's crazy."
"James do you want to get in to why you were out here watching Sam run around the track?" she snarled.
"I wasn't watching him," James protested.
Sarah glared at him. "James go get some ice or something." She dabbed my bloody knee. "I would swear he was adopted if my parents didn't have the footage to prove otherwise." She looked up at me. "I just don't understand how two perfectly normal people could give birth to an idiot like him. Serves them right though. They wanted me to be a boy and I came out with a vagina and disappointed them so they tried again." She smiled at me and I wasn't sure if I should laugh or smile back. Luckily I didn't have to decide because she returned her attention to dabbing the blood around my knee. "Don't let James get to you. He's mostly talk. It's his stupid ass friend Billy who's the thug."
"Billy is not a thug!" James said.
"Didn't I tell you to go get some ice?"
"I did so stop bitching," he barked. I wondered if they always treated each other that way. "Why don't you let him lay down in the grass? He looks like he might collapse." I did feel faint, so I didn't object even if James was the person making the suggestion. I lied on the grass and let them tend to my wounds as I kept my eyes closed and wished I was somewhere else. It was easy to tell the difference in their touches because Sarah was gentle and focused on the wounded area, while James was playful and slid his piece of ice over random places. The heat from the sun bore down on my face so I opened my eyes and stared directly at the sun and dared it to burn me or blind me or both. "You shouldn't look directly at the sun," James informed me. "It's bad for your eyes."
"I didn't know you cared," I hissed, annoyed that he would pretend to know what was good for me.
Sarah laughed. "You beat me to it. I was just about to say that."
James tossed his piece of ice in the grass next to me. "I don't care! I was just trying to do something nice for a change because this loser needs all the help he can get, but hey," his big head entered my view and blocked out the sun, "if you want to go blind, I'm not going to stop you." He leaned down and in a voice just loud enough for me to hear, he whispered, "You're just a stupid little fag." The palm of his right hand pressed against my dick as he pushed himself up and then he was gone.
"What did he say to you?" Sarah asked.
"Nothing."
"I know he said something. If you don't want to tell me just say you don't want to tell me, but don't lie to my face."
"Fine, I don't want to tell you." I sat up. "Are you done now?"
She dropped her towel on the grass. "Yeah, I'm done. There's nothing else I can do except put some bandages on you."
"I can do that myself," I told her.
"I know." She stood up. "Do you want me to drive you home?"
"I'm fine. I can walk."
"Okay." She stood there watching me, waiting for me to get up. I wondered why she cared.
"How do you know Tom?" I asked.
She smiled. "I'll tell you if you let me drive you home." I wanted to know just bad enough to agree to her terms. I was in the passenger seat of her Jeep and we were about to turn out of the school parking lot when she spotted James walking on the sidewalk. She pulled up beside him and said, "Get in Stupid."
"Fuck you bitch." He glanced at me then he got in the backseat.
I was tempted to open my door and jump out but I thought better of it when Sarah said, "You're going to tell Sam how I know Tom."
"Does Tom know we're telling him?" James asked.
"Does it matter?"
"No."
Copyright Lustyville 2007 Please send comments to lustyville@yahoo.com and check out more of this story and my other stories at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lustyville