Steven - Chapter 6
Disclaimer: Please be advised that this material is intended for a mature gay audience only. If you are under age, or offended by gay erotic material you should probably read no further.
Should you choose to read on, I hope you enjoy this fictional story of a young man's quest for love and acceptance. The boy in this story is real; the events and settings are not. I will be pleased to answer any questions and welcome any comments. Each will be considered and replied to as I have opportunity to do so. Email me at boyzheart@hotmail.com.
Author's Note: My apologies for the long delay in writing this chapter, many things have been going on with my personal and professional life. Overall things seem to be getting back under control. I appreciate all those who have written thus far. And I want all of you to know that I understand the controversial nature of this characterization. I do not intend to leave things in the way that they appear to be going . . . actually you will be very surprised by the destination of where this story takes us, and no. . . . the basic outline and structure of the story was cast from the beginning. I am not one of those writers who blends a story to meet the whims of the readers. I am sensitive to your comments however and do hope in the end you understand more of why I needed to write this story. This approach is much different to any of my other work, yet I felt this subject needed to be dealt with. Please continue reading and let me know your opinions. I will respect and reply to each. . even if you disagree with me. Now, on to the story!
July 9, 2002
Josh,
I am still having trouble checking out all the pics you put in your shared folder .. I'm sure they are great, I just wish I could actually SEE them .. (Ha Ha). I sure wish I could have gone with you! Shame to let an old fart like you go to a place of absolute serenity like that, especially alone! Next time . .. .
I think perhaps we both were somewhat tired as we seemed to argue a lot in chat after you returned. Strange really, the arguments were silly. I do hope all is forgiven and we are back on track. I feel it would be a shame to let pettiness linger and cause distance between us. So .. please forgive my stubbornness and irritableness.
Now, you asked me what happened after Steven and I had our experience on the boat.. . .well .. .
After holding him for what was a very long time that afternoon, he decided that he wanted to continue . . .or to return the favors to me. I made him sit up and I rolled over and put on my shorts and made my way back to the pilot's chair. The fear that somehow he had done something wrong was very obvious on his face. I motioned him over to me and made room for him to sit beside me.
It was a very calm and pleasant afternoon, and our closeness was nice and cozy. He sat back and leaned into me as my arm slipped round him. Reaching up, he grabbed my hand and pulled it to his lips to plant a sweet kiss on my palm and then held it close to his chest. Finally ready, he raised his face towards me and blinked his lovely brown eyes, giving me the "you're not really gonna make me stop . ..are you?" look.
"Steven," I began, "you know I love you buddy. . .right?"
He sighed nodded affirmatively.
"What we just did was beautiful and fun. But it is wrong. It is wrong because you are 12 ... .and I am .. well .. I am not 12." He giggled at my dumb humor.
"The thing is . .I am the adult here and I am the one who has to tell you that we can't be doing this. You need to wait for sexuality and sexual activities . .you should also find someone your own age to be with .. I cannot do these things with you. I love you. . and yes . .. I am even attracted to you physically .. you are an incredibly sexy kid. But just because I think you are beautiful. . and just because I have these tremendous feelings of love for you . .I cannot follow through on those feelings and have a sexual relationship with you. It is illegal .. and it's also not right."
"But Andy," he said, "I want to do these things .. what we just did was fantastic. . I have dreamed of it for so long. How can it be wrong? Why can't I just love who I want too? Why does it have to be so complicated?" He was wiping tears from his eyes as he spoke. His small frame was showing signs of sobs that were beginning to come.
"The problem is that sex is a terribly complicated matter Steven. This is exactly why I shouldn't do these things with you. Can't you see how unhappy you are now .. just a few minutes ago you were in absolute bliss . .you would sell your soul to live in that moment .. .but you can't. You have to learn how to control your urges, as natural they may be, and that my friend is not an easy challenge."
I patted his leg and he turned into me immediately and burst into tears. I knew how hard this was for him. My own sexual development started early .. . so I knew that these feelings were frustrating. But I also know he had many other issues that was driving this need in him.
"Steven," I said while continuing to maintain our embrace, "you know I will still be here for you. You don't have to have sex with me to love me . . . I will be your friend for ever and you don't have to do anything to make me like you, or be with you."
He shifted a bit and then pulled away and looked up at me. "You think I asked you to do that to make you like me?"
"No. . . no. .I don't . .. "
"Please don't think that cuz that is sick. . .I am not like that Andy. I love you. I want to be with you . .. I want to be more then your 'buddy.' I want to be WITH you." He was pleading with me with his eyes and his breathing was much deeper. I could see his nostrils opening with each breath, and those rosy lips were quivering slightly. I was moved by his intensity and awareness. All I could do was pull him closer to me and hold him.
After much silence I said, "Well Steven, this brings up a whole different matter . .. . like your sexuality. Steven, let me ask you a question," I asked while gently lifting his face to meet mine, "We have never really talked about this before. . .are .. are you gay?" He sat up slightly and looked at me curiously, then reclined back again against my chest and stared out at the water. I could hear the tiny waves lapping at the side of the boat, reminding us we were still on the lake.
"Umm . .. gee Andy, I don't even know. I never thought about it before really." He placed the side of his face against my naked chest as he spoke.
"I mean .. . I know kinda that gay is bad . . . .you know, kids always are calling people 'fag,' and 'queer,' or 'cock sucker.' I really don't know what it all means. . I suppose its all bad though." His voice revealed his internal confusion and disappointment. My own emotions were almost instantly assaulted. Instinct made me re-coil at those words of hate and bigotry. I knew however, that this tender boy sitting on my lap was neither capable of such hate, nor was he so prejudiced. Slowly I exhaled, realizing that I was holding my breath. I stroked his soft hair a moment or two before answering.
"Steven . . .," my mind racing with just how to approach his comments. I sighed deeply than began again, "Steven, this world is filled with people who hate anyone or anything that is different, or things they cannot explain and do not understand. That is why they call other people names, and try to ridicule and hurt others who are different.
"Have you heard these same kids making fun of the fat kids? Or even the little guys? I remember well the tormentors who picked on the Special Ed kids and the handicapped kids when I was in school. These innocent ones were hounded and ridiculed and tormented .. when often the things for which they were picked on .. the kids had absolutely no way to change . .even if they wanted to.
"Meanness, and hatred are unacceptable characteristics Steven. And you must never try to live your life afraid to be who you are just because some people are mean. .. . they will always find ways to be that way because of the hardness in their hearts. Now. . .being gay is not like being fat. People are fat for many different reasons .. their lifestyle and eating habits are usually the main reason, but there are some kids who have just inherited that problem from their family. Some people can change it. . by altering their habits, deciding to exercise, eating better .. those things. But some can not change their appearance no matter how hard they try. Truth be told, these kids have feelings and are hurt just as bad by the tormentors as anyone else who suffers from abusive mean-spirited kids.
"But .. being gay truly only means that you are attracted to someone of the same sex . . .in your case. . boys. It is that simple. It isn't a lifestyle, a choice .. .it is who you are. I suppose some people can 'choose' to be gay .. I can't argue that . . .but I know about me . .I was born this way." I said, pausing for a moment to allow all that to settle into his mind.
He looked up at me and his eyes went wide as the realization of my confession settled in. "Oh . . ooooohhh .. .. ," he said. I could not really read what was happening in his mind other than this was new information for him. He snuggled back down in my arms and settled deeply into my embrace. He wasn't weeping anymore, and his erection was gone; he was once again a simple little boy needing only to be held and comforted.
After a while, I patted him on the leg and said, "Steven, don't you think you need to put your swimsuit back on?"
"No." He grinned up at me; simple and direct was his style most of the time. He often accused me of talking in circles. He thought that was a disease you get as an adult ... never being ale to just say what you mean. Funny at how smart kids are sometimes isn't it?
I pushed him up out of my lap, "We best be heading back to shore my little friend," I said as I playfully swatted his now very tanned butt. He recoiled and spun around facing me.
"Do that again and you'll end up in the lake!" he exclaimed in mock anger.
"Ohh .. is that so?" I replied, rising from my chair. He saw the glint in my eye and giggled in retreat to the Port side of the boat. I reached him and easily picked him up and chunked his skinny self out of the boat into the water, much to his glee.
He hit the water splashing and having fun . . by the time I got the anchor up and ready to shove off. . both of us were soaking wet. Me in the boat .. he in the lake. Some how I managed to convince him to return to the boat and we set off for shore. He remained naked until I had pulled the boat up on the trailer and hauled it out of the lake. Only then did he slip on his swim trunks and reluctantly even then.
I stopped by the Dairy Queen (it's a Texas thing . . . ok) and got us an ice cream to eat on the way home. I was in no hurry . . . .and Steven never was in a rush to leave me, so I drove the back way and slowly at that . . .just to extend our time together. After a while he scooted over beside me and took my arm off the back of the truck seat and pulled it around him and as he settled into his favorite position. . . .pressed to my side.
"Steven," I said after letting him soak up the warmth and comfort he was craving and braking the silence. He looked up at me with his gorgeous brown eyes and I was momentarily lost in counting freckles .. angel kisses . .. on his nose and face. He jabbed me in the ribs to bring me back to the question.
"Oh. . sorry . .just counting angel kisses," I said. He smiled sweetly at me. I knew that would reassure him of the nature of my love and interest in the question I was about to ask. "Steven, you never answered my question."
"Uuuhhhhh .. which question . .you ask so many I get confused." His eyes glistened with mischief as he said that.
I pulled him a bit tighter and said, "I want to know if you are gay, Steven." More silence.
"I don't know Andy," he finally answered with honesty, "I don't understand it all just now. I know I like you. You said you are gay. W . . we . . .we just did . . .ummm. . .well you know what we did. . and that is gay I suppose . . .is it?" He cocked his head and looked inquisitively at me .. sorta like a puppy might. I had to grin at his youthfulness.
"Yes, what we did was definitely a gay activity," I said kindly. "But .. Steven, you have to understand that a gay experience does not make you gay. Lots of 'straight' boys experiment and play all manner of games with one another and end up married with a wife, kids, a dog, picket fence, and a station wagon." The look on his face told me he still didn't get it. I was talking around the issue again.. . I could tell by his expression.
"Look, let me put it this way . . .you have to suck way more dick than we just did before you could call yourself gay . . ok?" A grin spread across his face. He knew I normally didn't talk like that in front of him. But I did see the light of recognition twinkling in his eyes. He remained silent a few moments . .though I could see the cogs turning. Then he said. . . .
"So, if we fuck .. .does that make me gay?"
I nearly wrecked the truck!
"Steven!" I exclaimed and he swiftly tried to dodge my grasp. The truck wasn't that big though and I started tickling him best as I could without really wrecking us. He ended up in the passenger floorboard in a heap of giggles. Obviously he had figured out enough of this conversation. After he had regained part of his composure, he slouched back against the door panel and grinned at me with a Cheshire cat grin if ever there was one.
"Fuck .. . make me gay . . .Holy Cow!" I fumed at him in mock horror. My face betraying my true giddiness.
"Ooooooohhh . .. . does that mean I get to fuck a cow if I am gay?!"
Damn .. . the giggle and tickle fest started all over again. He was hiccupping by the time he settled down again . . . which took most of the balance of the way home. Finally he eased back under my arm and by my side.
An occasional giggle escaping his giggle-box ... ahhh the joys of childhood.
Finally, arriving at his home, I pulled along side the front of his house and put the truck in park and killed the engine. Turning in my seat towards him I couldn't help but admire the pure simple beauty of this boy. He had moved over and was sitting Indian style leaning against the passenger door. There were several long moments of unspoken dialogue between us as our eyes danced over each other. The mischief in his was obvious.
I surprised him slightly by reaching for his knees and thighs with both my hands and dragging his still coiled form towards me. I leaned in and pulled him into a bear hug, wrapping both arms around his small, but muscular frame. He buried his face in my chest and snuggled into my embrace. I could feel his warmth, the softness of his skin. His hair smelled of lake water, but it was still soft and oh so appealing. Whispering in his ear, I said, "Steven, I love you .. . always remember that .. I will always love you. I'll always be here for you." My hands were tenderly rubbing his back and playing with the soft hair on the back of his head.
"I know," he said, "and I love you too." He looked up into my eyes with tears welling at his own. I leaned down and gently, softly kissed his wet and rosy lips. Not a passionate and lustful kiss like he gave me before, but a tender kiss. I wanted him to know it was all going to be ok.
He pulled away and mouthed, "Thank you." And then replaced his face in my chest indicating he wanted more of my bear hugs and caresses.
Well .. .that's all this time .. I'll write more soon,
Love, Andy