Alright, I hope you enjoy this one and I'll send the next installment as soon as it' out. For those of you who don't know my writings, go read Rain. It's a short series, and it's being continued now, but on hold.
PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE (I'm begging now) e-mail comments and suggestions to gking0300@aol.com or gking03@yahoo.com.
DISCLAIMER: This is a complete work of fiction and in no way should it be considered factual. Nothing should be assumed about the sexual orientation of those either in the Backstreet Boys or NSYNC, but we can always dream, can't we?
STILL by Macy Gray
In my last years with him There were bruises on my face In my dawn and new day I finally got away But my head's all messed up And he knows just what to say No more dawn and new days I'm goin' back to stay Why say bye bye When it only makes Makes me cry I still light up like a candle burnin' when he calls me up I still melt down like a candle burnin' every time we touch Oh say, what you will He does me wrong and I should be gone I still be lovin' you baby and it's much too much
STILL EVERY TIME (1)
Kevin stared out the window into the dark street, the harsh winter wind howled around throwing the falling snow against the window. Sinking down onto his knees, he pressed his face against the frigid glass, fog instantly surrounding his features on the cold surface. Kevin let a single tear drop stream down his face, a cold, uncomfortable feeling left as it worked its way down to his chin, and then to his neck. Kevin rested his head on his arm, the soft material of his sweater comforting his tortured mind, calming him, bringing the logic and order back into the his world which had so quickly come to chaos and heartbreak.
Kevin slowly opened his eyes and let the tears come freely, his vision blurred and his mind spun, the days of before coming rushing back, almost like the quick winter in New York which had devoured an Autumn splendor so quickly, so suddenly. Kevin stood up and looked at his reflection in the window. Although transparent, he could all to clearly see the pale face, the gaunt, haunted look. His beautiful dark-brown hair which was always so perfectly styled lay matted to his head, a few strands fell limply onto his forehead. Kevin smiled wryly to himself, a horrifying monster portrayed to him.
This is me, Kevin thought miserably running a hand through his coarsened hair, letting it fall back into place, messily. Sitting back down, he hugged his knees to his chest, now resting his head on the knees of his well-worn jeans. Thinking back, he remembered his life, as it had been, as he loved it. Tears now soaked through to his knees, and he started shivering uncontrollably.
Then it had been Jason, just Jason. Kevin and Jason, Jason and Kevin. Thinking back to long ago, Kevin remembered Jason standing on the beach that day, the wind from the clifftops rushing down, blowing his short blond hair back, his lightly tanned body glimmering like an angel under the bright autumn sun, giving off a dull luster.
Jason walked up to Kevin, carrying his sandles by his side, his baby blue beach shirt unbuttoned and flying behind him. Kevin met him halfway and they shared a kiss, the sand stinging their bare legs as the wind picked up again, the surf crashing up to swirl around their legs and then tug as it surged back to the sea.
"Hey babe, something on your mind?"
Kevin sighed and pulled the younger man closer to his body, feeling his sweet breath caress his cheek. "For once, no."
But that was history. Suddenly in a whisper of time, Jason was taken away in the space of seconds, gone. Gone, gone as in dead. Kevin felt fresh tears stream down his face as he desperately clawed for that memory, the only man who could put his life back together from the wrecked shards that it had become.
It had been cold outside that day, the sky was a perfect azure, the wind still. Leaves from the trees gently fell to the ground and a fog hung lightly in the air, an almost surrealistic setting.
Kevin sat in his boxers in the living room reading, his glasses perched halfway down his nose, his legs curled underneath him.
"Hey babe, I'm going to go get some stuff at the store, you want something?"
Kevin looked up and smiled. Jason stood in the doorway wearing baggy jeans and a jade green sweater, his short blond hair shot up in random spikes. Jason's smile was like light on a dark night, his perfect features each formed delicately to produce an earthshattering effect. "Hmm. . nice to see you up this morning Mr. Soon-to-be Richardson."
Jason smiled and blushed as he looked down at the ground, fondling the band of gold wrapped around his ring finger. "Same to you Kevin."
Kevin smiled and swung his legs down to the ground. "Actually, I could do with some coffee from that caf^Â around the corner, do you think you could stop there on your way back?"
"Sure hun, anything for you," Jason said, bending down and placing a small kiss on Kevin's nose.
Kevin pushed him away playfully. "No time for that now Jas, but hurry back and I might give you a treat."
Jason smiled seductively and then left, the door shut quietly behind him, his essence depleting in the cold crisp air.
That was the last time Kevin saw him, Jason, his beautiful angel, was gone and out of his life. Kevin hadn't cried at the time, the shock and the sadness apparently too much for him to comprehend, something not tangible at the time, but it was two days later, moving Jason's things out of the bathroom that Kevin cracked.
The lights were dimmed, the shadows shifted gently around the room, the lemon wallpaper sending a warm vibe into Kevin's tortured heart. Kevin picked up Jason's cologne and sprayed it into the air, the smell diffusing and becoming intoxicating within the enclosed room. The smell of his lover filled his nostrils and Kevin sunk to his knees, dropping the bottle on the floor, shattering glass across the tiles, the smell now unbearable, Kevin rolled over, his hand landing in broken glass tainting the cologne and turning it a bright red color. Kevin remembered the strong smell that filled his mind and body as he slipped into unconciousness.
Kevin closed his eyes and concentrated hard, almost trying to physically pick up and put his life back together, but the more he tried to make things work, the more they slipped from his grasp. The bruises from his relationship weren't physical, they were phsycological. Jason was his life, everything that he had was based on the presence of his love. To Kevin, his world, his music, his sanity was centered around having Jason there to talk to, to make love to, to kiss and touch. Being away from Jason killed Kevin, and since they were twelve years apart in age, Kevin rarely saw him. Kevin hurt when Jason was gone, so much that he wouldn't eat, sleep, or talk.
"Why, why, why?" Kevin slammed his hands into the wall until blood started to ooze from the small cuts, streaking the wallpaper and beige carpet with blood. Kevin fell to the floor in a merciless dram-plagued sleep where Jason held him in his arms once again.
The door to the suite opened and the Kevin walked in, the glow restored to his green eyes, his hair glinting brightly from the bright lights, a few strands hung down on his forehead. An orange sweater accented his upper body perfectly and baggy jeans hung low on his hips. "Hey guys, there any breakfast left for me?"
Nick looked up and eyed Kevin's bandaged hand. "Hey Kev, what happened to your hand?"
Kevin grimaced inwardly. "Oh, this?" he asked holding up his hand for everyone to see. "I fell off the bed this morning and hit it on the nightstand," he said laughing. Kevin looked at the one person who would see through his lies. AJ stared right at him, pinning Kevin against the wall.
Kevin poured himself a glass of orange juice and sat down next to Nick. "Kevin, are you alright?"
Kevin looked up sharply to see AJ's gaze riveted on him. "Sure James, I'm fine."
"I need to talk to you later Kevin, is that alright?"
Kevin looked down at the ground. "Yes Alex, I'm cool with that."
"Okay, anyway, what's going on today? Isn't this the day we meet NSYNC for our joint tour going on later this year?" Brian prompted trying to break the mood with a weird look in AJ's direction.
"Yea Brian, thanks for bringing that up. We've got a meet and greet at nine until ten, and then NSYNC will be meeting us there and we'll be doing one jointly until eleven. We've got a meeting for the tour arrangements with ours and NSYNC's management. Then we're going out to dinner with them and management at," Kevin checked his schedule. "Eight tonight."
"Man oh man oh man," Howie stated mock fainting. "Do we have to meet the imposters again?"
Kevin gave Howie a sharp look. "They've been just as sucessful as we have and moreso. There's room in this world for both of us."
"Actually," Nick started but was silenced by a look from Kevin.
"I'll expect all of you at your best tonight," Kevin said getting up to leave.
"What? Is that all your going to eat?" Brian asked motioning to the half filled glass of orange juice.
Kevin stopped momentarily. "I'm not hungry this morning."
He didn't miss the continuing stare from AJ.
JC finished getting ready, pulling a tight fitting orange sweater over his head with a pair of stonewashed jeans to match. JC finished styling his hair and grabbed his black doc boots. "Justin are you done with the bathroom, we've gotta get going."
"No, I'll be out in a second," the blond yelled from inside the enclosed room.
JC sighed and stared at his reflection again in the mirror.
The door to the bathroom opened and Justin blinked in mock surprise as he eyed JC. "Hey Joshy, what happened, did someone sew that sweater on to you or what?"
JC turned to glare at Justin. "It's just a little tight, that's all."
Justin rolled his eyes. "I'm sure JC, and when your whole body starts turning blue from lack of oxygen. . . ,"
JC shoved Justin lightly away. "Stay out of my clothing style choices Curly, or I'll beat your bleached blond butt into the next decade."
"Oooh, threats from the airheaded-wants-to-pretend-he's-a-brunette-but-really-a-blond-rooted-too-tight-shirted pretty boy?"
JC threw Justin on the bed and started beating him with the couch pillows. "I, I was just joking JC," Justin managed to yell as he got a pillow in the mouth.
JC finally relented and adjusted his hair in the mirror. "We've got impressions to make today Justin, get out of your retard mode. Wait I forgot, that's just the way you act all the time."
Justin rolled his eyes and unbuttoned the top two buttons on his shirt, posing for himself in the mirror.
"And button up, I'm not having you look like a two cent whore even though you are," JC said grabbing his keys and shooting Justin a crooked smile.
"It's a nickel you half-wit," Justin yelled as the door closed behind his friend.
Kevin signed another autograph and pushed it over, a smile pasted over his face, designed by years of practice to cover up himself. "Kevin, what's wrong?"
Kevin looked over to see AJ standing next to him. Kevin finished signing another message and looked up. "Not now Alex, I'm busy," he hissed under his breath as the fans kept swarming up to the table.
AJ grimaced and shook his head. "Fine Kevin, but let me tell you one thing. I know that's not from the nightstand. I have away with you Kevin Scott and I can tell when you're lying like night from day." he said motioning to Kevin's hand.
Kevin looked up sharply, a mixture of anger creeping into his eyes. "Get away Alexander James, unless you want to involve yourself in a nightmare beyond your own comprehension."
AJ leveled Kevin's stare cooly. "Tonight Kevin, I want to hear all of it." AJ walked off slowly without a backward glance toward his bandmate.
JC shoved Justin into the store. "What did I tell you, nickel man? Button that shirt up."
Justin groaned as he started to re-button the shirt. "Josh, why do you always have to tell me what to do?"
JC rolled his eyes and put his arm around his friend, ruffling the golden curls. "I'm older than you are, and I'm your daddy for now. I'm supposed to tell you things like this."
Justin shoved JC lightly and gave him a bright smile. "But even you can't control me all the time," he said unbuttoning his buttons.
"Justin, I'm warning you," JC said eyeing Justin cooly.
Justin moved up so his face was almost touching JC, his boyish smile and intoxicating smell filling JC's senses. "Careful there hun, you'd better stop pressing my buttons."
JC blushed red as Justin slid off into the crowd. Shaking his head as he watched his best friend disappear, JC looked upward, trying to escape from the hot, packed, suffocating atmosphere he had been unwillingly inserted into. Feeling a cooling draft from the vent above, he wiped away beads of sweat which seemed to continuously roll down his face. Returning his gaze forward, he pushed through the crowds trying to reach the table. Finally giving up, he just stood still and waited for the crowds to disperse. Checking his watch, he started tapping his foot impatiently. Only Justin was here so far, and judging from what he knew about his friend, it would take approximately an hour to locate him and drag him over to the table.
Kevin excused himself from the table and walked around the corner and into the bathroom. Finding it empty, he went over to the sink, checking his reflection in the mirror again.
Jason
It seemed like it came up at the oddest moments, the times he missed his lover. If he had been here at the moment, they would have run off to some secluded corner wrapped up together in a loving embrace, their lips tightly locked. Kevin wiped a tear from his cheek as it coarsed down his face. Grasping the corner of the sink so hard his knuckles turned white, Kevin bent his head and let his breath out in a slow hiss.
Kevin jumped up as the door to the bathroom opened. Kevin quickly wiped an arm across his eyes to dry the tears and stepped aside courteously for the stranger. "Sorry," he mumbled under his breath.
The stranger looked up and Kevin was confronted with a pair of bright blue eyes and curly blond locks trimmed to perfection. "Kevin?"
Kevin looked more closely. "Hey Justin, I didn't expect you here until a lot later, knowing the time frame you guys are on. How's it going?"
Justin pulled a paper towel from the dispense and wrapped it around his finger. "Pretty good, I just got a cut and I didn't wanta drip blood all over the place. Sorry, but the rest of the guys are going to be late, although I'm pretty sure that doesn't surprise you."
Kevin laughed and relaxed a little more. "Hey, no problem. Do you want to get back out there and help me set up another table for you guys?"
"Sure, why not?" Justin shrugged and tossed the bloody paper towel into the trash.
Justin looked up at Kevin, watching the older man move towards the door, his perfectly sculpted body highlighted under the bright lights of the bathroom, his flawless skin giving off a dull gleam. Following him, Justin shook his head and tried to clear the image from his mind. What was happening to him?
JC finally managed to find the table, and hurried over sucessfully without being recognized. "Anyone seen Justin?" he asked the four seated figures.
"Hey JC, actually we haven't recently, but I'm sure he'll be back soon. . . come to think of it, Kevin's missing too," Brian said scanning the room.
JC pulled up a chair and collapsed into it. "It takes an hour just to get up here, even if you aren't in a line," he said frowning. "I thought you guys were supposed to be the old men nobody wants to see?"
Brian smacked JC on the back of the head. "Watch it there, we're the originals, everyone wants to see the guys who started it all."
JC glared at Brian menacingly. "Oh yea? Well we're younger, more attractive. . . ," JC trailed off as Justin and Kevin returned to the table. JC's eyes roamed up and down Kevin's body appraisingly. If JC thought his own sweater was suggestive, Kevin's was twice that. Kevins body started with well-muscled but slender legs moving up to a perfectly sculped chest and broad shoulders, the sweater closely hugging his midsection, occasionally rising up to give JC a view of the band of his boxers. Kevin's arms were strangely the most attractive thing, long and muscular, they ended in the long elegant fingers of a pianist. JC made eye contact breifly with Kevin, rivited against an invisible wall as Kevin's green eyes bore through his body.
JC stood shakily to his feet. "Hey Justin, I was just about to send out the search party."
Brian interrupted rudely. "JC here was just saying about how he beats us hands down in the looks departements. How about you give him a lecture, Mr. Body Beautiful."
Kevin glared at Brian and returned his attention to JC, a flush momentarily rising in his cheeks. "I'm sorry JC, Brian does tend to get testy when we compare the bands, but that's not what we're here for. And if I may say so, you do score pretty high in the looks departement too."
It was JC's turn to blush and blush he did.
AJ looked from Kevin to JC and back again. Slamming the notebook he was writing in down onto the table, he pushed the chair out from under him with a loud scrape and was gone in the space of seconds.
Kevin looked over at AJ's empty seat and left abruptly. Brian's eyes followed his cousin's hasty retreat and turned his attention back to Justin and JC. "Sorry for that bad start guys, I'm Brian," he said extending his hand. "I must apologize for my cousin, he tends to bolt sometimes without any warning. Don't take it personally, he does it to me all the time."
Justin smiled warmly at Brian. "No problem, JC here tends to just get up and leave when the mood takes him."
JC snapped his head up quickly. "What were you saying Justin?"
"That is, when he's not spacing out."
Howie looked up and smiled disarmingly. "Of course Justin. Do you guys wanna get set up over here?"
Justin nodded and started arranging a stack of photos of NSYNC along with some pads of paper and a box of pens.
JC wandered over to the table and started aimlessly flipping through a group of photographs, his mind running over Kevin's image again, reviewing every startling detail of his handsome image and beautiful emerald eyes. Letting a breath out deeply, JC let a smile cross his face. Okay so I'm attracted to another guy, where does it go from here?
Kevin quickly caught up with AJ and pulled him over. "Why did you leave so quickly Alex?"
AJ turned around quickly. "Because Kevin, I'm your best friend and you're hiding things from me." Dropping Kevin's hands, he slumped his shoulders. "I want to be there for you Kevin, why are you suddenly shelling up?"
Kevin turned away quickly. "You'll never understand AJ, you'll never know what happened to me."
AJ turned Kevin back toward him forcefully. "Well I want to know Kevin, I'm here for you, I always have been. Nothing I will learn about you will startle me."
Kevin inhaled quickly. "Alright Alex, let me set the scene for you. It's a few years ago and I'm dating a guy named Jason."
AJ's eyes opened wide and he started stuttering uncontrollably. "W-w-what K-Kevin? You of all people? Did you just tell me what I think you did?"
Kevin sighed and looked at the ground. "Look AJ, I never should have told you."
"No Kevin, it's good that you did. I'll listen, it's just that I usually can tell with people, but I never even felt any vibes coming from you. I guess it's just hard to accept that I was wrong for once."
Kevin relaxed a little and ran a hand through his hair. "Listen Aje, there's a lot that needs to be said, and we need more time to talk, as well as somewhere more private. Come to my room tonight and I'll finish it, I promise."
AJ looked into Kevin's eye and saw the hurt, the remorse, the anger and the fear residing in his friend's heart. Knowing that it was unwise to push any more, he nodded slowly. "Alright bro, I'm with you."
Kevin and AJ reappeared at the table quickly, AJ in a quiet mood, and Kevin had a moody air about him, looking to pounce on the next person who talked.
I can't believe I told him, Kevin thought to himself as he sat down in a daze. I swore to myself to keep this a secret. Why can't I hold myself to my own word? But it feels good now, strange to have someone know about me, but good. I feel better than I did in a long time.
Kevin looked up and smiled. "Hey Lance, Chris, Joey, how you guys doing?"
Lance hurried up to the table and extended his hand. "Hey Kevin, sorry to be late, we just got caught in a crowd."
Kevin nodded his understanding and motioned to the rest of his group. "This is Brian, AJ, Howie, and Nick. I take it you've all probably met before some way or another."
"Well, we keep tabs on ya'll, just to make sure you old grandpas keep it goin, I mean, ya'll are my inspiration," Justin drawled politely.
Lance pulled of his jacket dotted with snow. "Okay guys, get seated. I'm sure the girls just can't wait to get started with the signing again, and I want to see your asses in gear."
Kevin gasped. "Lance? My brother!"
Lance was a little taken aback as Kevin pulled him into a hug. "I thought I'd never find anyone like me, but here you are."
Lance looked quizzically at Brian who just laughed. "Kevin always orders us around and we get fed up with it, saying he's a tyrant and he's putting us through cruel and unusual punishment. What you just said was truly Kevinesque so he's just excited, that's all."
Lance smiled and nodded shyly, returning the hug slightly. "So, shall be go be tyrants together?"
Kevin smiled and pulled Lance into a seat next to him.
JC looked over and ground his teeth hard together. I should be there, I should be the one he's talking to, he thought to himself. What the hell am I thinking? He's a guy for one, and he's straight. Just calm down Josh, just don't worry about it.
JC couldn't help a twinge of jealousy as he watched Kevin's lips come within inches of Lance's cheek.
"And I was like, I want you all down here in three minutes, or I'm coming up there," Kevin said laughing, the first real laugh he had had in months. "But they never came and I went up there and dumped ice from the machine all over them."
Lance dissolved into laughter, his beautiful features contributing to his all-over perfect appearance.
Kevin looked through the blond spikes to see JC sitting by himself. Sighing, Kevin found himself toning Lance out as his eyes locked on to the object of his affection.
Kevin excused himself from Lance and walked off down the hallway to the bathroom he had used earlier. Pushing the heavy metal door in slowly, he found JC standing in front of the mirror just as he had been hours before. Coughing softly, he drew JC's attention as he walked in. "I was just, um, wondering where you'd been," Kevin said looking down, his eyes tracing the designs in the tile on the floor.
JC turned and looked up. "Hey Kevin, I'm sorry, I just found I had something in my eye, and had to rinse it out."
Kevin moved closer. "Mind if I take a look at it?"
JC shook his head numbly as Kevin moved closer. Taking JC's face in his hands, he shivered at the touch of the warm skin beneath his fingers. Kevin looked into JC's eyes and felt himself becoming lost, drawn deep down into their beautiful depths. "I don't think I see anything," Kevin said huskily, his voice considerably lower.
JC felt Kevin's hands move down from his head and to his shoulders. "I think I see something," JC murmered softly as Kevin began to stroke the back of his neck lightly. Pushed back against the sink, JC pushed outwards against Kevin, the pressure slowly increasing between them. "Mind if I look a little closer?" Kevin asked slowly as the distance between their lips grew smaller and smaller.
Time froze as JC's lips grazed Kevin's, the tension between the two of them seeming to fill the entire room. JC's hand went up to the small of Kevin's back, pushing the sweater up and coming in contact with the warm smooth skin of Kevin's lower back.
Kevin moaned into JC's mouth as JC's hand decended into his pants, working their way slowly over his skin. Suddenly, Kevin seemingly woke up, an image of Jason's dead body stretched across the street jumping up from the bowels of his mind. Stepping back quickly, he blinked several times, tears pouring unchecked down his cheeks.
"Kevin?" JC started hesitantly, seeing the horrified look on Kevin's face.
Kevin turned and ran out of the bathroom, the door banging shut loudly after him. JC sank down on his knees, too shocked to cry. "Why do I always fuck everything up?" he said out loud to the empty bathroom, his question echoing off the tiled walls.
TBC. . .
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