Come good days and bad days The sun's gonna rise So why look beyond What's in front of your eyes - Life Gets Away, Clint Black
His hand hesitated for a fraction of a second and he took a deeper breath before he spoke. "`The' someone?"
"I don't know. Maybe. I barely know him." I picked up his free hand in mine and studied it, running my fingertip along the lines in his palm, tracing the veins on the back of his hand. He kept his nails short and manicured since his hands were always on display at the restaurants. "Do you love me?"
I felt his heart rate increase to match my own and knew that we were going down a road neither of us could turn around on. "Yes. I love you, Sean. DidDid you doubt it?"
"No. But we never say it and . . . I needed to hear it."
There was a long silence, then Vincent spoke. "Are you ending our relationship?" His voice was not quite steady and the blunt rawness of his words had me turning to him in surprise. His face was expressionless but his eyes gave him away. Dark and liquid, they searched mine and he looked more vulnerable than I'd ever seen him.
"No! , eyesNo. God . . . I knew before you came over tonight that I couldn't do that." I settled back down against him, stroking my hand along his bare arm, ruffling the dark hair, and we were quiet for a bit. "What did you want to talk to me about?" I asked him.
He sighed and said softly but very clearly, "I am in love with you, Sean." He stopped me when I tried to twist toward him. "I have been for years."
I struggled in his arms. "Let me go!" He loosened his hold on me and I turned quickly to kneel between his legs, gripping his wrists, staring at him. "You're in love with me?"
He nodded, looking at me gravely. "Remember the day Amanda's horse kicked you and I stayed here a few days taking care of you?" He glanced away, looking into the cold fireplace. "I imagined doing that forever." He turned back to me. "But you got better and made it clear that you didn't need me any more."
There was a bitter note in his voice that tore at me. "No! I was afraid if I needed you too much, you'd pull away and I didn't want to lose you. God, why didn't you tell me?"
"I almost did but I was afraid, too. You had Dylan and whoever else back then and I didn't feel I could ask you choose so I became your friend. Your lover. After a while, it was mostlyalmost enough."
"And now? Is that what you want, Vincent? Do you want it to be just you and me?"
"No, not any more. I did, at first, but I like Dylan and the other guys and I enjoy fooling around with them. Eventually I realized that what I really wanted was for you to need me. For us to need each other. I want what everyone wants, Sean. The security of knowing you'll be there for me at the end of every single day. To make plans together that go farther out than just a couple days. To make some sort of life together."
I crawled up onto his chest and began to kiss him but he pushed me gently back. "What about you, Sean? What do you want?"
I shook my head and shrugged a little. "I don't know any more. When we first met, I fell in love with you but I knew there was someone else. You didn't talk to me about him so . . . I didn't know what to think. I thought it must be pretty serious and I was just glad when you had time for me." He closed his eyes for a moment, but didn't speak. "Is this why you've been a little off the past couple weeks?"
He nodded. "It was getting too hard to be just your fuck buddy. I need more, Sean. I love you and I want more."
"Is that what you think you are to me? My 'fuck buddy'? Jesus, Vincent!"
"What then? What am I to you?"
"My best friend. I don't want to lose you. But I like TJ. I want to get to know him better."
He didn't speak for quite a while and when he did, it was in a voice I'd never heard from him, cool and remote, and it made my skin crawl. "I understand. But I can't hang around while you see him. Now that you know how I feel, I can't . . . I can't be with you. Not until you figure it out, one way or the other." He took my face in his hands and kissed me very softly, then pushed me away again, less gently this time, rose from the couch and walked out of the room. The thud of the front door closing behind him was loud in the quiet house and I jerked at the sound.
I was miserable the next day. I kept replaying our conversation in my head but it always ended with the finality of the front door clicking shut. Even the thought of seeing TJ tonight wasn't much help. I didn't get home till 6:30 and was just getting out of the shower when I heard the security ding of TJ's car coming up the drive. I yanked on jeans shirt and and jogged down the stairs to let him in. He was dressed casually and as usual, his golden good looks took my breath away for a minute. I kissed him briefly and led him into the den where Maria had left us a cold supper. After I poured two glass of wine, I turned to him on the couch, bringing my knee up to rest against his leg.
"TJ. We don't know each other well at all and I haven't had a chance to tell you about my friends, my life away from the barn. I fuck around with several guys on a regular basis. One of them, Vincent, has been a good friend for years." He looked away from me and I saw his face harden, knowing what was coming. "When I told him that I met you, we started talking about our relationship, something we hadn't done before."
He held up a hand and rose from the couch, shaking his head as he walked across the room. "I don't need to hear the rest. You love him, don't you? I can hear it in your voice."
"Yes, I love him. But it's not that simple. I'm attracted to you and I want to spend some time with you, but not in bed. That's too easy." I got up and went to him, wrapping my arms around him from behind. He stiffened but didn't pull away. "I'm not sorry I slept with you but I'm not going to do it again until I get a few things figured out." I took him back to the couch, pulling him close against me as we sank down. "TJ, you need to meet my buddies. They'll like you as much as I do and it'll be good for you."
We sat there for a couple hours, kissing a little, talking a lot. He had never lived completely out, as a gay man comfortable with himself and his life, and he asked me all sorts of questions about my friends and family, how I handled discrimination (badly and legally, if I had to) and things like whether I was affectionate with other men in public (yes, but not blatantly). Answering him in depth made me think about myself, about how I lived, what I cared about and believed in. By the time he left, he was willing to meet Dylan and Adam, so I called Dylan and we set it up for the following Friday night at his place.
TJ hugged me for a long time at the door. "Thanks for being honest with me."
After he left, I sat in the dark den for another hour, thinking about Vincent and TJ. They were so different, yet I was very attracted to both of them. Vincent was quiet, deep, and I knew that there were parts of himself he'd probably never share with me. We had a lot of history together, years spent in each other's company, so that I knew which brand of toothpaste he preferred, his mother's birthday, his love of old books. He was a steady presence in my life and I was comfortable with that. Maybe a little too comfortable.
TJ, on the other hand, was like a golden sparkler on a dark July night, all chills up my spine and those hot, hot kisses. He was new and exciting, and I wanted him badly. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I gave up and went to bed but slept poorly, visions of Vincent's warm smile pushed aside by TJ's blue eyes.
Friday arrived and I drove to Dylan's. We had decided that jerking off to a porn flick was a good ice breaker for TJ. Lots of sex in the air but not with each other in case he was feeling bashful with two new guys and a group setting. He was such a kid in some ways that I didn't feel dragging him into bed with 2 other guys was the way to go, at least at first. Adam was there when I arrived and greeted me with a hug and a slow kiss that I must not have returned with enough enthusiasm. He pulled back to look at me, concern in his eyes. "What's wrong?"
I sighed and tried to cheer up. "Nothing. Vincent and I are . . . not talking at the moment."
His eyebrows shot up. "Not talking? Is he being a jerk?"
"No, no. It's personal." I smiled at him and turned away when the doorbell announced TJ's arrival. Both Dylan and Adam hugged him and, although he looked a little surprised, he returned the hugs warmly. We settled around the TV with beers and munchies and Dylan hit the 'play' button on Gus Mattox and Kent Larson. Mmmmm. It wasn't long before Dylan had his dick out with Adam and I close behind. TJ glanced at us, then took a second look at Adam's overhand technique and reflexively put a hand on his crotch.
I reached over and groped him a little, making him jump. "Come on, golden boy, get with the program."
He laughed, shaking his head while he opened his pants and lifted his big cock free. It was stiff but not fully hard yet and it got Dylan's and Adam's immediate attention. He started stroking it loosely and we all stared while it swelled, growing longer and fatter until Dylan was practically licking his lips. Eventually Gus and Kent re-captured our interest and the movie finished us off in predictable fashion. Dylan welcomed TJ to the gang by standing between his knees and shooting cum all over his stomach, thoughtfully yanking his t-shirt up first. I thought TJ's eyes were going to pop out of his head but he obviously got into it cause he almost had a coronary when he climaxed, convulsing and groaning, shooting hot shots clear up to his chin. I left them undressing and heading for the shower. TJ gave me a pleading look but I assured him it was cool and the last I saw of him, Dylan's hand was on his ass as they walked down the hall. I drove slowly home.
I spent the next week just getting through the days. I went to work early and caught up on all the little shit that always gets put off till later. I sorted tack, straightened up my desk, cleaned out the big horse trailer that we used constantly and which was always a mess, rode horses till my shoulder throbbed. I spent the evenings alone, floating around the pool until the stars came out, then trudging up to the house for something to eat. After I showered, I usually sat in the den for a while thinking about all sorts of things. When I bought this house and started working at Stonegate I was young, only 23, and still hurting emotionally over the loss of my Gran Prix career. All I thought about then was when I was going to get laid next and who was driving to the bar that night. I wasn't a total fuck up but I was young, single and cruisin'.
Now I was 30, no longer a kid, and the things that mattered to me were very different. My friends, my family, my job running the stable and preparing the equine stars of tomorrow - I cared deeply about them all. I didn't have any one light bulb moment that week but I did begin to understand more about the things that were really important to me, what I wanted the rest of my life to be like. I was exhausted but I still couldn't sleep more than a few hours at a time. I usually just stayed on the couch in the den, curled up in the last place Vincent had held me. I masturbated myself to sleep most nights, imagining it was his hand on my cock.
That Wednesday I ran into Cody at the barn. He took one look at my face and dragged me into the tack room, shutting the door firmly behind him. "What's the matter? Are you sick?" he demanded.
I shook my head, trying to smile at him. "No, I'm okay." But he wasn't buying it and I finally told him the bare bones of what was going on. His eyes played over my face as I spoke and when I finished, he took me in his arms but didn't speak. After a while he let me go and we went back to work. I didn't see him any more that day but Wade called later that afternoon and asked me to come over.
"Not tonight, Wade. I'm just not in the mood, sorry."
"Neither are we," he replied. "We want to talk to you."
He wouldn't take no for an answer so I finally agreed to come over for dinner, figuring I could get home early enough to wallow in the den some more. Wade greeted me with a long hug which felt great. He's a big guy and you know you've been hugged when he gets done with you. He pulled back a little, put his hand to my cheek and looked me over. "You look like shit," he announced.
"I love you, too," I chuckled, then blew out a breath. "Yeah, I know. This has got me pretty fucked up."
We ate grilled chicken and salad, then settled into their big over sized sofa, me in the middle, our legs in a tangle. I hadn't been with anyone in almost two weeks and the physical contact with two close friends, men who cared about me, was almost overwhelming. They could tell I was close to the edge and didn't say anything for a while, just sat there with me. Cody leaned into my shoulder with his face in my neck. His breath was warm on my skin and I tipped my head to rub my cheek against his hair. Wade watched us, a small smile curling the corners of his mouth as he rubbed his thumb over the back of my hand.
"Do you love Vincent?" he finally asked me.
I shook my head slowly. "Of course."
"But you have the hots for TJ." It was a statement, not a question. I nodded. "Have you slept with him?" I nodded again. "And?"
I shrugged. "It was good. Actually, it was great. He's a good guy."
"But?" His voice held a challenge.
I looked at him. He looked back hard, willing me to think it through. It wasn't very difficult. "But he's not Vincent."
"Bingo." He lay back and swung his legs across my lap, bending one knee to rest it against my chest. I hugged it to me, running my hand from knee to groin. Each time my hand reached the crease of his big thigh, he pushed up into me a little. "You've known Vincent, what? Eight, ten years? You guys get along better than anybody I know. We've always wondered what was keeping you from getting together."
I'd never told them about the marks on Vincent's wrists. When I did now, they both fell silent for a moment, then Wade said, "How long since you saw them last?"
How long? Years. It had been years since he'd come to me with the marks of another man on his body. I shook my head, ashamed that I hadn't realized sooner. All that time he'd been loving me.
"Sean." When I looked up at him, he reached out and ran his knuckles along my jaw. "What I have with Cody is the best thing that ever happened to me. I enjoyed my life before you introduced us but the last 4 years are what I was waiting for." He smiled at Cody who was rubbing Wade's bare foot and watching him intently. "Vincent is offering you that. Make damn sure before you say `no thanks'."
Cody leaned down and kissed Wade's big toe. "We had us a bitta the same problem. Wade was so settled and responsible, Mr. Wahhhl Street. Ah grew up in a pickup truck and the back lots of rodeos and shore as hell didn't think Ah was ready to take on a mortgage and a partner. Luckily Wade kept after me. God knows where Ah'd be if he hadn't." He had to stop while Wade sat up and crawled across my lap to kiss him. "All Ah'm saying is, you and Vincent already love each other. Is it worth risking that for a kid you jist met?"
I must have looked wiped out because they pulled me off the couch, stripped me in the bedroom and sandwiched me in between them in their big sleigh bed. As Wade draped his arm across me to hold Cody's shoulder, he kissed the back of my neck and whispered, "Go with your heart, Sean." As I drifted off to sleep, I thought that sounded like good advice.
I drove slowly to work the next morning. It had been 2 weeks since Vincent had walked out my front door and it felt like 2 years. There was an ache in my chest that had only gotten worse. I thought about TJ, about where he was in his life right now and knew I was past that. I, too, wanted more. I dialed Vincent's number as I parked next to the office. He answered on the second ring and the sound of his voice tightened my chest. "Hi, it's me."
"Hey . . . you okay?"
"No," I said, my voice shaky. "No, I'm not okay. I need to see you. Tonight."
The silence was so long that I closed my eyes. When he finally spoke his voice wasn't steady either. "I'll be there at 7." The phone went dead in my ear. I went through the day on auto pilot, not a smart idea around horses, finally waking up when Maddy's big draft cross gelding mashed my foot into the dirt. I gimped around the rest of the day, thinking of all the things I wanted to tell Vincent, hoping it wasn't too late.
I was limping down the steps when the front door swung open and he stepped in. I stopped when he saw me and our eyes locked. He pushed the door shut behind him and leaned back against it. His hair was tied back and he was wearing a white t-shirt and faded jeans. He looked beautiful to me, standing there in the dim light of the entryway, black eyes watching me from his dark somber face. I could see every day of the past 2 weeks in the shadows under his eyes and the lines around his mouth, and I could tell by the way he looked at me that he could see the same.
"There's something I need to know."
He nodded as if he knew what I was going to ask him. "The rope marks?" he said. I nodded. "I haven't seen him in 5 years. After I met you, I knew I had to get away from him. It . . . just took me a while."
I went down the last couple steps and crossed the hall to him, reaching up a hand to run the tips of my fingers down his cheek. His jaw clenched as he tipped his face into my hand and his eyes never left mine. The feel of him was achingly familiar. His hands, his mouth, his cock had taken me past the point of reason too many times to count. Those dark eyes had watched me through the orgasms, tears, laughter, and despair of the last eight years. And through it all they had watched me with love and acceptance. I knew what I wanted.
"Vincent, I love you. I need you. I want us to make a life together." I gave his words back to him, putting my heart into it. "If you'll have me."
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