Stories from the Life

Stories from the Life- Novel inserts/Notes to myself

Sep. 24

COPYRIGHT 2004

This are the first few installments of a book I'm planning to write. Comments are greatly needed so I can see if this novel is worth writing. Thanks and God Bless:)

Red Monologes: Notes to Myself

Note 1: Ma, I'm gonna be fine.....

I've just returned from the hospital. At the moment, there's all kinds of pains and emotions taking place inside me all at once. I feel sick to my stomach, to add on to my agony, and I can't find my goddamn t.v remote. I also have a fever. I feel drained of all my human functions, and I feel as if I've aged twenty years while in the that damn recovery room. I've been there for a "pleasant" two weeks.

I feel overwhelmed.

I had to miss work for this shit. When giving my leave, my boss Blare- a.k.a Boss Lady-informed me I could take all the time off I needed.

"My mother had a similar operation" she was saying "I'll understand if you can't come into work right away."

I like my job. I like the people I work with. When I was diagnoised, one of the worries that came to mind was missing work. Though I was relieved by Boss Lady's permission, I was still stressing. I thought of all the work I would have to catch up on and all the typing I'd have to do.

"Chicago just won't be the same without your weekly articles." my co-worker Todd had said.

Knowing this was flattering, yet stressful. Now I know when I return to Gay Times magazine, I'll have to write an article to make-up for lost time. It's pressing on me out so much, I could cry. Even that seems like a chore to do; crying. I've done it so much these last couple of days. I can't complain too much, my mother has been doing most of the tear shedding for me. The night before going-under-the knife, I informed my mother that everything was going to be ok.

"Ma, I'll be fine." I had told her.

" Mia bambino! Mia bambino!"

'My child' she kept crying. If I had known how much suffering I'd be doing, like I am now, I probally wouldn't have told her that.

Oh my god! My head is killing me! When is all this sudden pain going to fucking stop? I want to sleep, but I don't feel like it. I want to stay awake, but I don't want to. Lord, when will I be able to make up my mind? I can't think striaght. I feel like I have a hundred things to do, but I really don't.

Do I have to walk the dog?

Do I need to clean?

Do I need to pay a bill?

Do I need to exercise?

Do I need to go get my hair cut?

What am I going to wear tommrow?

What am I going to wear today?

Do I need to take my meds now?

So much to do, but do I really need to do them?

Now I'm pissed. I've just made myself upset. As if I wasn't already mad. Mad at what though? Mad at god? Mad at my body? What? What the fuck am I so mad about? I'm tried of being mad!

I'm running my fingers threw my hair. It has grown longer than I've ever allowed it. I need it cut. It's not like I can walk down to the barber shop like usual. It hurts to walk. It hurts to even think about walking. When I need to go to the bathroom, I crawel. It's that painful. Urinating is alot of work. I have to let it out gradually. If not, I may faint. The doctor said it could be weeks before I'll be back to normal.

Normal?

Does that mean I'll be able to walk/stand up-right? Does it mean not having to pop pain pills every four hours? Does that mean I can take a fucking piss without clutching on to the sink? I sure hope so. I don't know how much more I can take.

Note 2: Feeling worse than shit.....

I woke up today. I suppose that's a blessing. Though, when I did open my eyes to the late afternoon sunlight, I felt dead. Like I wasn't alive. I felt as if the world had ended and I was the only person remaining. I heard no noise, no talking, no footsteps. The earth was still and I was scared. It wasn't until I heard a car zip down the street that I knew I wasn't alone. However, that wasn't soothing enough.

"Where the hell is everybody?" I groaned out loud.

From the corner of my eye, I saw my bedroom door open. Somehow I expected Death or even a disfigured stranger to come walking in.

"Mind if I step in?" Skyla asked. Instead of answering, I waved her in.

My gorgeous roommate took a seat at my computer desk and smiled warmly.

"How do you feel?" she asked.

"Worse than shit." I grumbled, blinking the streaming sun from my face.

"Hmm, as if feeling like shit isn't bad enough." Skyla grinned. "Don't you need to take your meds right about now?"

"I guess." I tried to sit up. The sharp pains of my pelvis weren't allowing that.

Skyla got up and propped me up with pillows. She watched as I took the pain killers.

"Do you want me to cut your hair." she said after a long silence.

"I don't know." I fixed my eyes to the mirror across the room.

"Girl, your lips look horried. I need to get you some chapstick." Skyla joked.

With the tip of my tongue I felt my lips. They were crusted and peeling. That made me even

more depressed.

"I'm sorry." Skyla said after I let out a long sigh.

"It's not you. It's the situation." I mumbled.

"How long did the doctor say it'll take for you to recover?" she asked.

"Six to eight weeks." just saying it felt like a long time.

I rubbed my eyes. They were aching.

"Red, it'll all be ok." I heard her say, but I was too busy paying attention to my reflection to understand.

"What?" I turned my attention back to my friend.

"I said you'll be fine soon enough. You know, back to your old self." she smiled.

"I hope so. God, I look dead." I said. I was hoping the person looking back at me in the mirror wasn't

me. Of course it was. My face was skinner, my hair had over grown, little red bumps were scattered on my face, and my eyes were red. I looked a mess.

"I haven't broken out since puberty!" I said referring to the bumps on my face.

"I have cream and things for that. It could just be a side effect from the medicine." Skyla informed.

"Thanks. Not like I'll be out and about any time soon." I sighed."Can you hand me a cigerette?"

"Maybe." she looked at me wearily. "You sure you can smoke?"

"I asked the nurse. They said I could. Please give me one." I almost begged.

"Sure. Where are they?" she looked around her.

"In the night stand." I pointed.

She pulled out the green and white pack, and handed me one of its contents. After lighting it for me, I took in the deepest puff.

"It even hurts to smoke." I complained.

"I'm making dinner. Fried rice and pork. Would you like me to bring you up some when it's done?"

Skyla asked.

"That'll be nice. It'll be better than that damn hospital food." I cringed with the thought. "And some tea. Green tea." I added as she stood to leave.

"Ok." Skyla smiled.

God bless that smile. If she wasn't a stuck up lesbian, she'd have the world at her feet.

"Oh, and can you find the channel changer before you go?" I asked.

"Channel changer?" she questioned.

"Remote control. Whatever the hell it is." I grumbled.

Sky laughed. "At least you still have your sense of humor." And then she searched for the missing 'channel changer'.

Finally, she found it under the bed and handed it to me.

"I'll be back up in like thirty minutes." she said and left the room.

Alone again, I occupied myself with switching threw channels. Nothing was on cable and nothing was on those cheap, non-cable channels. I finally settled on a movie I paid little attention to.

Note 3: When your depressed, your depressed.......

My mother stopped by today. Diana, my step mother, did also. Since my movements were limited, I sat in this computer chair. It has wheels, it allows me to move about my room easier. When they got here, I was nesting by the window.

"Your looking better." Diana said as she kissed my hair.

She was lying, of course, but it made me feel a little better.

"Taking your medicine?" my mother asked. She slipped off my slippers and rubbed my feet.

"Yes, ma." I said trying not to sound irritated. Lately I've been very edgey.

"Good. They'll make you all well." she smiled.

They sat there and talked to me for a while. Diana informed me about my little sisters: Ashley made it on the cheerleading squad, Chris is going to State Finals with her basketball team, and Jamie- a new edition to our family- is still getting used to the city. It's a long story how seventeen year old Jamie entered our family. I'll write about that later, I guess. Right now I need to get depression off my mind.

Anyway, Diana left the room after a while. I could tell she couldn't take seeing me like this. She's the kind of person that can't watch others suffer.

"Ma." I said as I stared out the window.

"Yes?" she was still sitting on the floor, rubbing my feet as they sat in her lap.

"I had a...I had a bad dream last night." I could feel tears surfacing in my eyes.

"Oh tell me." she sounded worried.

"I had this dream that I was pregnet." I began. "And everyone was so happy. Then I gave birth and it was a little boy. He looked just like me."

I paused and exhaled, then went on. "Oh mama, he was so gorgeous. He was the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen in my life. He had big green eyes and silky red hair."

"Just like you when you were a baby." my mother said.

I nodded. "He would smile at me. I kept holding him and taking him everywhere. I kept kissing him and he'd just laugh. I'd sing to him and he'd fall asleep. You loved him so much. You always came over just to see him. Oh ma. He was so pretty." I sighed.

"Oh bambino." she touched my knee and I started crying.

"I feel so hollow. I can't have kids. Why did this have to happen to me?" I choked on my tears.

"Shhh." she cooed as she touched my face.

"Ma. I'm too young to have this happen to me. Women older than me have hysterectomies. Not twenty-two year olds." I sobbed so hard, I was shaking.

"Oh baby." I could hear her crying too. I couldn't bare to look her in the face.

"I've always wanted kids. I always did. I swear I did." I covered my eyes.

She wrapped her arms around me. I felt like a little girl in her embrace.

I carried on like that for a while.

Note 4: Why me.........

I had to have a hysterectomy because I had developed a tumor on my uterus. The doctor had said it had been growing there for a while. I had no idea. It didn't occur to me to go to my doctor until I started getting odd pains in my pelvis. At first I thought it was from exercise. Then I noticed my periods lasted longer than usual and my menstrual cramps were unbearable. I also thought it was from exercise or a change in my diet. When a month came along where my period lasted more than ten days, I made an appointment to check it out.

"That is what's been causing the pain and irregular bleeding." Doctor Wex informed after breaking the bad news.

I remember how shocked I was. I blinked when the word "tumor" came out of his mouth.

"H-how?" All kinds of thoughts were racing through my mind: How could this had happened? Was it the smoking? Too much sex? What? Why the hell did I have a fucking tumor on my uterus?

"Irregular cell growth can take place very suddenly." he explained.

Wex went on to explain some other stuff, but I blocked him out. I would have never thought this would happen to me.

"There are a few options." Wex said when I finally chimed him back in.

"Like?" I said.

"Well one option would be cutting the tumor out. However, its spread to your ovries. So the only alternative is that you have a full hysterectomy." he explained.

I sighed and closed my eyes. "How will this be done?"

"Well, we can take it out two ways: making an incision along your pelvis or taking it out through your vagina. Taking it out vaginally will leave less scaring." he suggested.

"I'll go with the second one."

It was like I was ordering food! I couldn't believe I was even having such a conversation.

After leaving his office, I drove to my mother's house. The sooner the better, I thought. I went inside and sat with them in the kitchen. They were in such a good mood- my mother and Diana. When I broke the news, my mother fell to her knees and cried out loud. Diana wrapped her arms around my shoulders and I felt her tears on my scalp.

About a week later, I went in for my surgery at six on a friday morning. I dressed in that funny blue paper gown and was wheeled into the operating room. The night before I had to shave all my body hair, from the neck down, and remove all my piercings. I was upset about removing my tongue ring. I knew if I did that, the hole would close quickly.

As the nurse put me to sleep, I started to hallucinate. I had found the clock on the wall too beautiful to look at, and felt my body float into thin air. I closed my eyes and slipped into another world. I dreamt of cottoncandy coated pumpkin skies-the color of dusk. I walked through a field of weeping willows that sang of inuendo. Taps of rain on my skin resembled delicate kissess of a lover, and all feelings were tangsable.

Time finally threw me back to the present when the nurse woke me. When I finally realized I was in a hospital and why I was there, I noticed I was in another room.

"Your awake." the nurse smiled. She was strangely familiar. "Your in a recovery room now."

"Oh." I tried to sit up put electric pains knocked me down.

"You shouldn't move too much." she informed. "We have medication for you to take. The pain will be intense while you recover."

"Shit." I muttered.

I stared at her as she tucked me in and checked my monitor.

"Hey, I know you." I finally remembered. "Do you reconize me at all?"

She was a one night stand from a while back. It was her first time with a woman and I spent a full night helping her explore. It was one of the few sensual fucks I've ever had.

"Of course. How could I forget?" she smiled.

"Tammy, right?" I was unsure about the name.

"Yeah." she giggled.

"Funny how we ran into each other like this." I said feeling embarrashed.

"It really is." blush colored her cheeks.

"How have you been?" I asked.

"Good. Still studying to be a doctor." she answered. "How about you?"

I just chuckled.

"That was a stupid question, wasn't it?" she blushed deeper.

"It's ok." I smiled.

Tammy filled things out on my chart, nothing was said for a moment.

"I.....I'd like to see you again." she said shyly.

"I would too." my mood brightened even more.

Then I thought and felt weird about asking an important question.

"Do you have any idea how long I'd have to wait....you know....untill I can have sex again?" Now I was blushing.

"Well, it's suggested you wait two months or so." she said.

"Oh god." I groaned.

Since I became sexually active at age eighteen, I couldn't go a week without sex. Learning I'd have to wait two whole months, maybe more, was killing me already.

"Another question." I added. "Will I be able to have an oragasm?"

"See, that's a little more complicated. You need the androgen hormones androstenedione and testosterone to lighten your sexual arousal. Both are mainly produced by the ovarian and adrenal function. You just get 50% of them from your adrenal function alone. Also you don't have a hormone reservoir, the uterus/cervix, to store them for sex. Your brain and life-support organs use about 70-90% of the total androgen hormones for your daily life activity. Your brain doesn't have enough androgen hormones to lighten up your libido and your clitoral and damaged G-spot nerves will get no more androgen hormones from your uterus/cervix to produce an instantaneously bioelectric nervous charge during sexual encounter. Particularly, you'll be in a menopause state for 7 days. You need ViaPal-hGH-M to keep your bioelectric nervous circuits recharged for sex." she explained technically.

I blinked, suprised by her intellegence.

"Wow. That's alot." I said.

"I read up on things like this. So yeah." she grinned cutely.

"Oh. Well, I suppose we won't be seeing each other for a while then?" I hated to assume that.

"No. We can do other things besides...have sex." she said. "I just want to get to know you better."

I smiled.

"Besides, I'd like to check up on you as you get better." she added.

After our conversation, she left me alone to rest. The pain killers she had given me made me drozey. Later I learned I'd have to take those complicated meds for the rest of my life.

Note 5: Doing it on my own........

After four weeks of being bedridden, I finally attempted to walk on my own. I needed a cane to steady myself a bit. Though I was able to stand up and walk, the pain was still there, but not as crippling. The first thing I did today was run a hot shower. When I wasn't able to walk, I'd have to crawel into a hot bath. Though it was soothing, I hated the routine of having to climb out of that damn tub. I would have let Bear or Skyla help me, but didn't want to appear too seem dependent of them.

While in the shower, I felt as if I was rinsing off all my depression and suffering. After showering, I oiled myself and slipped into some boxers, and a shirt. I then made my way downstairs. It was easier than I thought. It was then I realized I hadn't been down there in weeks! It was like not being at home at all. Everything looked the same, yet diffrent.

"Oh yay, look who's up and about." Bear said when I walked into the kitchen.

She and Skyla were sitting at the table drinking tea. I sat down with them.

"So, what's new?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing really. Same old thing." Skyla said.

"Good. That means I haven't missed anything." I was truely relieved.

"You know Red, you look cute with long hair." Bear noticed.

"Please. I hate it." I said.

"Well I think its adorable." Bear noted.

"It is. Reminds me of how you looked in highschool." Skyla said.

"Oh god. Don't remind me of that." I chuckled.

As a teenager, I struggled with weight and was tasteless when it came to fashion.

"Well, I'll cut your hair for you if you'd like." Skyla offered. "You know I'm good at that."

"I'd like that." I smiled.

Somehow, I've been in the best moods. The medicine was said to give me mood swings. I suppose I don't take on to side effects easily.

I feel great!!!!

Note 6: The Mood Swings: "If I could, I'd run and knock your fucking face in!.....

Earlier today I snapped.

Kimera stopped over to check in on me. What a good friend. No. Not really. Yeah, she visited me while I was in the hospital, but her 'check-ins' became less and less when I was home. It's been five weeks now and she's visited me like twice a week. The first week, Kimera stopped in more. As they went on, however, her trips to my place declined. The occassional phone call I don't count. We live a very short distance away. Just by walking, we can get to and from each others' house in less than five minutes. So there's no excuse. None.

Anyway, Kimera came by at about three this afternoon. It was nice to see her smiling face, yes, but a gurdge was building up inside me the more we spoke. I suppose it got worse when she started talking about her latest 'sex-capade' with Chole- her wife.

"So we're on the couch and she's riding my strap-on..." Kimera was saying. "and out of nowhere she tells me to put it in her ass! I was so suprised."

I listened and smiled. One part of me was just as thrilled as Kimera was. Another part of me didn't give a shit. The 'I don't give a shit' part of me wanted her to shut the fuck up. I was fighting the urge to burst out and say it. Now normally, when Kimera shares things like this with me, I'm all ears. I mean, when tell each other everything. Usually when she's done sharing, I speak about my latest sexual encounter(s). I seemed to have a new one every other day. We'd sit and talk about stuff like this for hours and laugh it up, when necessary. Today, though, I wasn't feeling her story at all.

"Isn't that crazy?" she had finally fucking finished.

"Yeah." My voice odviously exposed 'Don't give a shit' side.

"What's the matter?" The smile on Kimera's face faded.

"You know.." Oh no, here's when 'Don't give a shit' side comes out. "At this very moment, I could care less where you put it last night."

Kimera's brow dropped as well as her mouth. "Red, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"You. Your my fucking problem!" I could feel the blood rushing to my face.

"What?" Kimera sat striaght up- something she did when letting her guard up.

"You don't bother to come and see me anymore." I began.

"Huh? Dude, I'm here." She shook her head.

"Naw, really? Bitch, I'm talkin' about any other day. You used to be right by my goddamn side everyday. Now you hardly come to see me anymore! I actually sit and wait for you to show up, and you don't." I explained. My voice was raising as well as my anger.

"First off, I have a career to tend to. Second of all, who the hell are you calling a bitch?" I could see her face deepen in color.

"You can call from work. You can visit on break." I suggested.

"Your fuckin' nuts. You have really gone crazy." Kimera narrowed her eyes. I could see the daggers in them.

"Don't call me crazy! I'm not fucking crazy. Your just insensitive.You think just droppin' in once a week is good enough. I'm starting to think your obligated to do it."

"Oh please. You need to calm down."

"Don't mother fucking tell me to calm down! And if you keep shaking your fuckin' head, I'm gonna get up and knock it off your goddamn shoulders!" I was ready to do so.

"I'm outta here. When you get your shit right, I'll come by later." She stood and walked to the door.

"Yeah, that's right. Walk off you stupid prick. Leave me all alone. I just love watching you go and not return 'till next week."

"You except me to stay here while you talk to me like this? Fuck you!" she turned to say.

"Blow me!" I yelled.

In one quick motion, Kimera spat a wad of spit in my face and left, slamming the door behind her.

"Oh you mother fucker!" I stumbled to the door and swung it open. "If I could, I'd run and knock your fucking face in! I swear to god I'll kill you if I ever see you again!"

At that moment, Chloe and Skyla came walking in Kimera's direction.

"Honey, what's wrong?" I could hear Chloe say.

Instead of answering, Kimera grabbed her arm and guided her in the other direction.

"What the fuck just happened?" Skyla asked when she met me on the porch.

I started to say something, but when Kimera looked back at me for the last time, I could see the tears in her eyes. From them, both anger and hurt spoke to me. All the rage I had worked up slowly faded. I lowered my head and walked back inside.

Note 7: Dropping the cane off at the door...........

I got out of bed this morning with ease. Usually, I'd feel cramps. Today, I didn't feel that at all. I showered and dressed. For the first time in seven weeks, I slipped on a pair of jeans over my boxers and bottoned up a shirt over my white tee. I finally decided to go outside today. I opened my bedroom window to feel the weather. Fall was setting in nicely: cool and breezy. So before leaving my room, I slipped on a crew sweater. In the mirror, I fixed the collar underneath the black sweater. I also tied my lengthy red hair back neatly. It had been a mess up until this moment!

"Off somewhere?" Bear asked following me down the stairs.

"I thought I'd go out for a walk and check in at work." I said.

"Good. It's about time." she kissed my cheek and continued her way to the den.

I had my walking cane in my hand as I put on my sneakers. I was so used to having it, it has become normal for me to carry the cane. As I opened the front door, I set the mahogony stick under the coat rack. I smirked knowing I didn't need it anymore.

The autumn breeze hit me as I walked. I could smell the dead leaves, and the dew of a recent rain storm. The last time I was outside, the air was warm. As I pressed on, I decided to walk on over to the Gay Times building and check in with Boss Lady. It was about ten in the morning, I knew the office would be alive and kicking when I got there.

Before crossing the intersection, I realized the way to Kimera's house was to my right. I also realized we hadn't spoken to each other since that day: two weeks ago. I sighed. I knew I needed to apologize for my actions. So I detoured and made my way to my best friend's house.

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