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WARNING!
The following contains language, images, phrases, words,
parables, humor, non-humor, alleged humor, syntax and
punctuation that some may find offensive. Reader discretion
is advised.
The following is a work fiction. Any resemblance to any
person, living or dead, is purely coincidental unless I
thought putting a real or semi-real person in was funny at
the time. All characters who I have blatantly acquired,
borrowed or otherwise stolen are copywrite of their
respective owners who, being much wealthier than I am, would
not want to waste their time suing a poor person.
No keyboards or diskettes were mistreated during the making
of this story. Well okay, there was this one 3.5" but it
had been formatted for an Amiga 1000 and didn't have the
second hole and my computer wouldn't recognize it and I
didn't have another one handy at the time so I got really
ticked and broke it in half but it was an Amiga diskette
anyway so, like, who cares?
This story is copywrited by me. No unauthorized
retransmission, reproduction, rebroadcast or reissuing is
re-permitted without the express re-written re-consent of
moi. (Yeah, like I can enforce it. But hey, pro sports say
it and everyone and their dog tapes the big games so their
friends can see it so if those organizations can be out in
legal la-la land, why can't I?)
============================================================
Attack of the Big-Buxomed Bikinied Bimbos
[insert John Williams title theme]
It was
a dark time
for planet Earth
The mad scientist, Edward
and his loyal assistant, Alice
were on the verge of World Domination
and had just received advanced technology
from the Amfetameen spacemen Kwaylude and Valeeum.
M E A N W H I L E,
T H E A M F E T A M E E N F L E E T
M A S S E S N E A R T H E S T A R S I R I U S
A N D I S I N T E N T O N R E C O V E R I N G I T S
M I S S I N G T E C H N O L O G Y
[end John Williams title theme]
Edward giggled in anticipation as he surveyed the mass
of wires, tubing and spare parts that made up his pride and
joy, the Omnifield Recombinant Genetic Alteration
Synthesizer Module. A silly name, true, but there were only
a limited number of word combinations that would both have
something to do with his invention and simultaneously form
the acronym ORGASM.
"Your laugh is wrong, sir."
"Excuse me?" His loyal assistant Alice usually did not
interrupt. Usually Alice did not have say anything except
"Yes, sir" and "No, sir" and the occasional "Yes, master" in
a nasal voice when she watched "Abbott and Costello Meet
Frankenstein" too many times and thought of herself as Igor.
He tolerated the quirks in her personality since it was a
far better personality she had now than any she had before.
All thanks to his previous greatest invention, the
Personality Enhancement and Neural Impulse Stimulator.
Alice had been the first test subject fitted with the
PENIS implant. Alice had also been the last test subject
fitted with a PENIS when it became obvious that there were
certain side effects, namely an unnatural fascination with
boxing, football, beer, making rude noises with varied parts
of the anatomy, belching and making lewd comments at every
pretty woman she saw. Edward had even caught her making
comments at the centerfold in Playboy and when confronted
she denied it, saying she only read the articles. He swore
that he would not place his PENIS in anyone again. Besides
that, she was loyal, obedient and made the most delicious
chicken souvlaki he had ever tasted.
"I said, sir, your laugh is wrong. Mad scientists have
a more maniacal laugh that comes from the belly and ends up
as a high-pitched semi-scream. You giggled, sir."
"I did not giggle."
"Yes, sir, you did."
Edward crossed his arms and stared angrily at his
assistant. Alice immediately fell on her knees and
kowtowed, sticking her big nose into the concrete floor of
the basement lab.
"Please forgive this worthless slave for disagreeing
with her master even though he really did giggle like a
limp-wristed pooftah."
Edward looked down at her regally and spoke in his deep
I-am-holier-than-thou-and-we-both-know-it voice. "You are
forgiven, my dear." Then he thought about her apology for a
second and had the sneaking suspicion that she was not
entirely sincere. He'd have to check her PENIS and make
sure it was working correctly.
"Well, that is not here not there. Behold, Alice, the
fruits of my genius! The Omnifield Recombinant Genetic
Alteration Synthesizer Module! With this, I'll rule the
world!"
"Oh yeah, sure, Eddie." The genetically altered lab
mouse that Edward had experimented on in his youth was
leaning against the bars of his cage which overlooked the
lab. An earlier, failed, experimental mouse was in the same
cage and kept banging its head against the floor.
"Shut up."
"Every few weeks it's the same thing. 'At last I'll
rule the world blah blah blah'. And the next day you're
back here working on some stupid invention with a really
dumb name just so you can make a sexually suggestive
acronym."
"Shut up."
"You know, you'd have a chance if you weren't so
sexually obsessed. I know what it's like. Take me. Before
I learned to enjoy life there I was, every night, trying to
take over the world and I would get so close and then
Braniac in here..."
The second mouse looked up and said "Narf?", and then
resumed banging his head against the floor.
"...would screw me up."
"I said shut up."
"And the really funny part is that my plans actually
had a chance of succeeding. A really remote chance but hey,
at least I wasn't trying to turn the world into Marilyn
Monroe lookalikes like some mad scientists we know."
"I SAID SHUT UP!" Edward flicked the power switch on
the ORGASM and swung the dish around to point at the cage.
"Make fun of me will you, you...you...you dirty rat? You
will be the first to feel the power of the ORGASM!"
The mouse backed away from the bars. "Now, Edward,
let's not be hasty..."
"Eat gene-altering energy, rodent!" The machine made a
noise that sounded suspiciously like a fart and then fired a
beam of pure pink light out of the dish toward the cage.
The mouse tried to jump out of the way but froze in mid-leap
as the light suffused around it. When it faded away a
female mouse with long hind legs, cute pink ears and a tiny
pair of perfect breasts looked around in confusion. She saw
the other mouse, now staring at her with an open jaw, and
struck a suggestive pose.
"Hey, big boy, want to show a girl a good time?"
"Narf!" They fell on each other and began making like
rabbits, which was not entirely possible as they were
members of the order Rodentia while rabbits had been removed
from that order and given their own.
"Hee hee hee," Edward began and stopped. He saw a
reflection of Alice in the machine and she was behind him,
waving a limp wrist in the air and prancing around. He
spun, angrily but she was calmly examining her nails with an
innocent look.
"It works! It works!" He opened his mouth and then
looked at Alice.
"Muhahahahaha." she said.
"MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Edward repeated. She was right.
He did sound more like a mad scientist.
He would have liked to have used the ORGASM on Alice
but there was no telling what sort of mess would happen when
you mixed an ORGASM with a PENIS and she was screwed up
enough as it was. In any event he needed an assistant with
at least minimal intelligence. And to tell the truth he had
grown rather fond of Alice. Even her big nose.
Despite his efforts at miniaturization the ORGASM was
still too heavy for him and Alice to lift so he activated
his giant robot, Nortlov. The big machine easily picked up
the heavy piece of mad scientific weaponry and placed it in
the back of an ice cream truck Edward had manufactured.
Once Edward had secured the ORGASM he ordered Nortlov to
break into its five component pieces. He had no idea why
the pieces had to be five different colours or why each
piece had to resemble a cat and why they had to be stored in
different locations but that seemed to be the only way they
would work.
He and Alice changed into the ice cream seller costumes
that he had fabricated in his omnimanufacturing plant and
took the van on the road. The lab and the mansion on top of
it was located some twenty miles from the nearest town and
by some amazing act of coincidence had a prison, a parochial
school, a military base and a high-tech electronics firm
located in a nearly perfect circle with the mansion in the
center, which, conveniently enough, were the exact
facilities he needed to pull off his plan for world
domination.
They headed for the parochial school first. As a
testing ground it was perfect; relatively isolated, no
defensive capabilities and, most important from Edward's
point of view, staffed by nuns. He hated nuns. He still
had an instinctive need to flinch when he saw a wooden
ruler.
They pulled up to the gate and tooted the horn. A few
girls were in the courtyard and ran to the gate when they
saw the ice cream van. A very large and mean looking
neanderthal of a security guard stepped out of the gatehouse
and rumbled up to the van. Alice stuck her head out and
smiled.
"What can I do for you, Bubba?"
"Whatcha want?"
"Well, I was just passing through and thought that
perhaps the students at this fine institution might want
some of our product."
"I ain't allowed to letcha in without Sister Judith's
permission."
"Well tell you what, you big lug of an orator you, why
don't you just head on over and give the Sister a call."
The guard frowned (well, more than usual). He was
pretty sure Alice had insulted him but he wasn't too sure.
He didn't notice the small doors that opened on top of
the van and the small rod that emerged, the tip spreading
into a dish that rotated around and pointed at him. Edward
operated a small joystick and stared at the monitor,
centering the crosshairs on the guard's chest. He began to
giggle again but caught himself before Alice noticed.
Moments like this deserved some form of momentous words
that would be recorded for posterity. Edward raised his
microcassette recorder with his left hand while his right
hovered over the trigger.
"Cry havok...no, wrong context. Once more into the
breach...no no, still wrong. Eat blazing death? Not right,
not right." He drummed his fingertips on the control panel.
"Aha! Let there be..."
In his excitement he accidently hit the trigger and
enveloped the guard in pink light. The momentous words
recorded for posterity were somewhat muffled but when played
on a good sound system bore an uncanny resemblance to "Oh,
shit."
The guard seemed to collapse in on himself and reformed
into a tall, big breasted woman with long blonde hair, full
pouty lips and legs that went to New York and back via the
scenic route. Her clothes, unchanged, were draped over her
like a tent, except for the blue shirt that was pulled
tightly across her chest.
"Ooo," she said and placed her hands on her hips. The
six girls who stood at the gate screamed and turned to run
when they were struck by the pink beam. In their case the
change was much more spectacular and (from Edward's point of
view as he recorded it on one of the videocassettes he had
brought especially for that reason) much more satisfying.
While the guard had reduced in overall size the girls
enlarged, shredding their school uniforms as they grew.
Buttons flew like plastic bullets and the white silk blouses
hung in tatters over enormous breasts. The skirts that had
managed to remain intact were skintight over sensuously
rounded butts that topped long legs.
Alice turned to ask Edward for instructions but sighed
tiredly. He was massaging himself through his pants and
practically panting as he stared at the screen. He always
became overexcited halfway through an exercise and became to
distracted to finish it. Taking matters into her own hands
she leaned out the window.
"Hey, babe, do you want to open the gate?"
The guard giggled mindlessly and walked back to the
guardhouse, her butt seeming to want to head off in a
completely separate direction as she walked. Alice began to
wolf-whistle, having no idea why, until the gate opened and
she drove through.
Edward leaned back and sucked in another grape that a
blonde offered him. All his new toys were standing around
him, waiting on his every whim. He even had the nuns wear
what bits of their habits still fit so he could enjoy the
view. It was so sacrilegious he was ashamed of himself. A
little.
"So, Alice, the first part of my plan has succeeded
beyond my wildest dreams." Well, not entirely true as his
wildest dreams involved Pamela Anderson Lee, a wading pool
and mint pudding but that was another story and this would
suffice for the present. The electronics firm and the
military base had fallen to his will and the ORGASM just as
quickly as the school. The prison was even as he spoke
being converted into a fortified headquarters, the former
inmates and guards all happily cleaning the place up so his
automated construction robots could remodel.
"So, sir, what is part two, if I may so inquire quite
humbly?"
"Why of course you may so inquire, dear Alice," Edward
mumbled between bites of grape. "I will use the facilities
at the electronics plant to build a larger version of the
ORGASM and use a missile at the base to place it in orbit.
Then, I will control the world!"
"Not to question the sheer brilliance of your plan,
sir, but who, exactly, will build it and launch it?"
"The techs at both places of course."
Alice nodded toward two women in military fatigues who
were laughing and trying to comprehend the sophisticated
workings of a drinking fountain. "Techs such as these,
sir?"
Edward frowned. "I see your point. Hmm, perhaps the
neural suppression factor is a bit high." He freed
himself from the tangle of limbs and bodies that surrounded
him and stood. "I'll simply make an adjustment to the
ORGASM."
Ten minutes later one of the women was surrounded by a
pink glow and looked around carefully. Taking a pair of
glasses out of a pocket she slipped them on and examined the
ORGASM.
"Primitive work," she sniffed. Edward stared in
disbelief.
"It is a brilliant piece of work!" he said in protest.
She looked down her nose at him and adjusted her glasses.
"As you say," she replied in an I-am-holier-than-thou-
and-we-both-know-it tone. Edward looked crestfallen as she
continued her examination. "This whole section needs to be
replaced...what moron designed a power unit like
that...ridiculous inefficiency..."
Alice clubbed her on the head with a boot. Edward
sighed in relief. "Thank you, loyal Alice. I believe the
neural suppression may have been a little too low that
time."
"You're welcome, sir."
After he activated the ORGASM again Edward tested the
woman. She seemed to be about as smart as Alice (which of
course was nowhere near as smart as he was) and was safely
subservient. Satisfied he quickly adjusted a few more and
set them to work on the orbital ORGASM.
============================================================
We pause this story for an important announcement from the
author.
Hi. I'm Keith and I'd just like to take this opportunity to
say that this is funny story, like funny ha-ha. Not what-
the-hell-is-this funny like Ulysses. This is not meant to
be taken seriously. If you take it seriously I suggest
finding a therapist.
I do not have a fixation on large-breasted women. In fact I
can easily turn the channel when I see "Baywatch". I don't
have to see scads of large breasted women running down the
beach, sunlight glistening off the beads of sweat running
across their hard, taut bodies, hair waving in the breeze,
swimsuits stretched tight across bounding mounds of joy as
they cavort in the waves and...
(cough)
But, um, I digress. As a point of fact I actually prefer
intelligent women who can take care of themselves. In
short, I'm nothing like Edward.
I like lemon meringue more than mint pudding.
We return to the story already in progress.
===========================================================
Edward leaned back in the command chair. The monitors
on the wall showed views of the larger cities of the world
as hordes of large-breasted women overran the positions of
police and military units ordered to halt their rampage. It
was working so perfectly. A few more demonstrations and he
would issue his ultimatum to the world. Life was good.
"You know, Alice, life is good."
"Yes, sir."
"Here I am, capable of conquering the whole world and I
give them an opportunity to surrender first, to voluntarily
make me their supreme leader."
"Your magnimity knows no bounds."
"I will even allow some males to exist to continue the
species. I'll have to modify them of course, but they'll be
happy."
"Your goodness is boundless."
"I'll have to work on a few women. Maybe make them
better athletes for sports and such, to entertain everyone."
"There is no boundary to the joy you spread."
"I know, I know. I only hope those in power recognize
the gift I'm giving. No more war! No more conflict! No
more poverty! No more hate!"
"No more free will!" Alice added and then frowned.
That didn't sound right.
"Yes, my reign will herald a new peace on Earth, a new
start for humanity..." Edward liked waxing poetic. It gave
him that sophisticated aura the best mad scientists had.
Take Doctor Moreau. Now he had class.
"Sir, there seems to be an aircraft approaching at high
speed," one of his soldiers said in a husky voice. Edward
turned to face the radar screens and wondered why anyone
named a tone of voice after a dog and why that was supposed
to be sexy. Was there a chihuahua voice?
"Where is it?"
"Thirty miles and closing at eight thousand, four
hundred miles an hour, sir."
Edward turned his eyes skyward. "Hmm. At thirty-six
hundred seconds to the hour that would have it arriving here
in...ah..."
"Now, sir."
Alice was looking out a window. "I think you should
see this, sir."
"What is it?" Edward asked as he walked to the window.
"Well, based on the general shape and lack of
identifying marks it appears to be a Big Mac."
"Don't be ridi...well I'll be. It does look like a Big
Mac."
"The silvery metallic surface and green glow takes away
from it," Alice said critically. She squinted to get a
better view. "And those legs sort of give it a non-
hamburger appearance."
"Aliens!" Edward said delightedly. He suddenly looked
contemplative. "You don't suppose they're hostile do you?"
"I think we're going to find out, sir."
Two squat aliens waddled out of the open portal and
down the ramp that extended from the front of the ship.
They looked relatively human except for the silver suits
that were much too tight. They resembled a pair of Poppin'
Fresh clones wrapped in tinfoil. They looked around and saw
the soldiers who were surrounding the ship.
"Earth babes!"
"With big knockers! Yeehah!"
One of the aliens touched a medallion on his chest.
"Klaatu boradus niktu!"
A reedy voice came out of the communicator. "What?"
The other alien tried. "nuqDaq 'oH puchpa''e'"
"What the hell are you guys trying to say?"
"Narn Centauri Minbari?"
"WOULD YOU TWO KNOCK IT OFF!"
"Fine fine fine. Get the capture gear ready. We got
humans with big hooters."
There was a pause. "How big?"
"Imagine Dolly Parton and Samantha Fox having a child."
"We'll be right there."
Edward watched the exchange, worried now. This was an
unexpected complication in his quest for world domination.
Suddenly he had a bright idea. "Prepare the ORGASM! Target
that ship!"
The pink glow covered the ship. The two aliens
outside, Kwaylude and Valeeum, watched the display in
silence.
"You don't suppose they have a weapon that will toast
our gaflubbs do you?"
There was an odd giggling noise and a group of tall
naked blue women ran out. Kwaylude watched them run into a
nearby building.
"I would say that is a distinct possibility."
Valeeum sat on the ground and put his head in his
hands. "Why don't these invasions ever work out? We go one
place, they got a disease that'll kill us. Another place,
they not only have a competent kick-ass leader they take out
our command ship with a cable guy armed with a videogame.
Somewhere else some other aliens protect them."
"Don't forget that planet with all those metahumans."
"How could I forget? Beaten by a bunch of people in
tights. 'Superguy'. What alien invasion gets defeated by
some dork named 'Superguy'? There ain't no justice."
"I hear you, brother."
"Gentlemen," Edward said. "Welcome to Earth."
"Whatever," Valeeum said morosely. He ignored the
human male who stood triumphantly above them. "What now,
human? Going to turn us into females too?"
"Actually I was thinking about using some of your
technology. I'll pay you for it."
"No," Kwaylude said firmly. "That would be contrary to
Regulation 3-12-11. Providing natives with access to
Amfetameen technology is punishable by death. Nothing you
can offer will make us reveal our secrets. Not precious
metals or jewels or intoxicating drinks or those little
globes filled with water and white plastic or..."
"How about a harem of hundreds of women each?"
"...if you want to begin with the computer system
Valeeum is the records officer and we can start taking out
the antigravity drive whenever you're ready."
"The mortal is well on his way to world domination."
"No kidding. Boy, nothing escapes those eagle-like
eyes."
"Shut up."
"Bite me."
"Athena! Ares! Behave yourselves!"
"She started it."
"I did not!"
"Athena!"
"'Athena'! Always blaming me. No, it's never Ares's
fault, oh no sirree. Atlantis sinks, Athena did it.
Someone misplaces the Golden Fleece, yup, has to be Athena."
"Behave yourself, child!"
"Dad, I'm twelve thousand four hundred and sixty-seven
years old. I think I'm a little old to be called a...Dad!
Ares just stole my temple!"
"Did not."
"Did too! Daaad, get him to stop."
"Ares, stop teasing your sister. Now what have you two
been up to while I've been gone...hmmm...would someone like
to tell me what that is about?"
"It was Athena's idea."
"No it wasn't!"
"I don't care who thought of it! What is that mortal
doing? Oh never mind. I'll look into it myself."
"Heh heh. Boy, are you in trouble now."
"Up yours."
Attack of the Big-Buxomed Bikinied Bimbos Part II
Amfetameen Attacks!
Her name was Aseetominofen and she was Fleet Admiral
of the 5th Imperial Amfetameen Matriarchical Military Fleet.
By reputation she was the most efficient, the meanest, the
most merciless and simply the best poker player in the
Empire and so Empress Areethromysin, assuming that meant she
had some tactical ability, promoted her to her current rank.
Fortunetly for Areethromysin the admiral actually was a
brilliant and aggressive military genius. She also had a
notoriously bad temper. The story of how she had beaten her
rival, Admiral Ro-Gayne, into a bloody pulp using only her
bare hands and a chimney broom was well known in the fleet
and the subject of much discussion. No one had any idea
where a chimney broom had come from on a starship.
Aseetominofen sat in her command chair examining her
nails as the six Sub-Admirals stood stiffly at attention,
fearful of bring down their commander's wrath upon
themselves.
"Now, I know you all are close friends who would never
consider betraying one another and I would not dream of
asking you to do so. Knowing this, I'll ask you all to
explain how some males managed to mutiny and steal a
scoutship."
"It was Kokayne's fault."
"...she did it..."
"...let the little beggars get away, she did..."
"...and we tried to stop her but she wouldn't
listen..."
"...yep, all her fault..."
The Fleet Admiral turned and stared at the
aforementioned and terrified out of her blue skin Kokayne.
The Sub-Admiral seemed to wilt under the gaze and swallowed.
"Kokayne, I expect you to recover that ship
immediately."
"Yes Fleet Admiral."
Kokayne flew her private shuttle back to her
battlegroup's command ship, the cruiser _Missionary
Position_. The small group comprised the cruiser and five
destroyers and was supposed to be scouting for the main
force.
Despite the situation she had to admire her small
fleet as she approached Missionary Position. The large,
round cruiser was impressively large, topped by the small
bulge of the main bridge. The destroyers orbited around the
larger ship and shared the same general outline. None of
that phallic symbolism some of the other Sub-Admirals had in
their ships, Kokayne thought with pride. Let every other
intelligent space-faring race in the galaxy think that the
Amfetameen avoidance of long, thin objects was an amusing
parochial hang-up. Sure it had taken them eight times as
long to get into space because they refused to build
cylindrical rockets and even longer to get something that
could fly fast. So what if the best shape for atmospheric
flight as determined by the laws of physics was long and
round and had stuff shooting out of one end? The Amfetameen
Matriarchy could not let facts get in the way of its holy
crusade to rid the galaxy of the male dominance that had
suppressed the female Spirit of the Universe for so long.
Of course, since the Amfetameen did not use guns (long
cylindrical objects that shot stuff out of the end) they had
a difficult time convincing other species to surrender and
adopt their ways. Yet they had, Kokayne included, hardened
themselves against the hysterical laughter that greeted
their demands for surrender.
Commander Minoxodell had waited three minutes inside
the airlock for her superior to return and might have
actually been there when she arrived had she remembered that
the airlock was depressurized prior to docking. She was
recovering nicely in sickbay. Subcommander Kayopektate
stood in her place (beside the airlock; Amfetameen warriors
are quick learners) and greeted the Sub-Admiral.
"We have located the mutineers, Sub-Admiral."
"Where?"
"A planet approximately 9 light-years from here,
Earth."
Kokayne looked thoughtful. "That name sounds
familiar."
"Class 3 civilization, male dominant."
"Aha! We can accomplish two missions at once and I
can regain my standing in front of the Fleet Admiral.
Prepare the group for hyperspatialsuperluminaryfasterthan-
light speed. We leave at once!"
Edward tried the controls of the hover-tank and
crashed it into a warehouse. Kwaylude slapped his palm
against his forehead and groaned while Valeeum looked on.
"He sucks," Valeeum concluded.
He received a cuff on the back of the head. "That is
my master you're talking about," Alice scolded. Then she
dove out of the way as the hover-tank skidded across the
yard and buried its nose into another building. Brushing
herself off she watched the tank rock back and forth,
scraping and pulling more brick down on itself.
"But you're right, he does suck."
She ran off to offer assistance to Edward leaving
Kwaylude and Valeeum alone.
"I can't believe we're depending on him to save us
from Aseetominofen."
"What can we do? He's got that weapon. We try
something, wham! it's d-cup city for us. Our best bet is to
help him win."
"Hmmm. All those women serving us for a change.
I'd get Aseetominofen to give me a massage. Boy, would that
relieve headaches!"
"I'd enjoy banging Sub-Admiral Morfeen myself. You
know, they say that once you start having her, you just
can't stop."
After several hours, three demolished buildings and
five overturned vehicles Edward seemed to get the hang of
moving in a straight line. He announced that he was pleased
in his pretend-you-actually-appreciate-what-someone-else-did
voice and returned to the control room to supervise the
mounting of a portable ORGASM on the tank.
Kwaylude and Valeeum returned to the building that
Edward had designated as their quarters. Scores of scantily
clad and naked women were eagerly awaiting their arrival.
Forgetting their trouble for a moment the two fat aliens
plunged into the ocean of soft female flesh that awaited
them and dreamed of being masters of the entire galaxy.
Alice decided to take a walk out into the desert. She
had no idea why she wanted to take a walk out in the desert
but as the unbelievable coincidence that was to occur
required her to be taking a walk in the desert, for whatever
reason, she did so. She was not one to argue with the will
of the Author especially when He was about to give her a
larger role. She didn't even know there was a desert
nearby.
"Can I be the hero?"
NO.
"Oh come on. With everything you've made me do I
deserve a bit of a break."
BE QUIET AND KEEP WALKING.
"Yeah yeah yeah, just like a tyrant. 'Do this', 'Do
that', 'Pledge allegiance to a hormone crazed sociopath with
delusions of grandeur'. No, never anything that I want."
I SAID BE QUIET.
"I don't even look like a typical heroine you dream
up."
SHUT UP.
"Oh go on, try and deny it. What's your typical
female character like? Tall, cut and looks something like
Rachel MacLish or Cory Everson with red hair and an IQ of
- It's too bad Heinlein died. He would've loved your
female characters."
I'M WARNING YOU...
"Tall, genius Amazons who hop into bed at the drop of
a hat. 'Yeah, I just slayed three million monsters, wanna
screw?'. Yep, that's the typical line from your female
characters."
IF I HEAR ONE MORE WORD...
"At least Eddie Glover doesn't pretend he's telling a
story about anything except chicks with big hooters and the
guys who turn into them, not like you Mister Let's-Hide-My-
Testosterone-Fantasies-Behind-Literary-Pretensions..."
Alice struggled out of the tarpit and stared in dismay
at how the animal skin that made up her bikini top and
bottom was streaked with the oily residue. Grug, her mate,
watched with a stupid expression on his neanderthalic face
and grunted in arousal at how she looked with oil streaked
across her smooth skin. Suddenly a saber-tooth tiger jumped
out from the bush it was hiding behind. From the opposite
direction a tyrannosaurus ran at her, both looking at her
with jaws open and hunger in their eyes...
"I apologize! I apologize!"
Alice dusted the dust off her clothes and started
walking again with a sullen expression on her face,
mumbling.
"Stupid Author pushing me around stupid costume moron
doesn't know saber-tooth tigers and dinosaurs didn't live at
the same time..."
A bright light rose above the mountains to the west
and sped across the sky toward Alice. She waited
impatiently.
"Another flying hamburger? You haven't eaten yet or
something?"
I ALWAYS WANTED TO DO A STORY WITH SILVERFISH. LOTS
AND LOTS AND LOTS OF SILVERFISH...
"Lousy writer no sense of humor..."
The Amfetameen shuttle landed and Kokayne disembarked,
surrounded by her guards. She kicked the dirt disdainfully
and crinkled up her nose.
"No wonder no one wants this garbage pit. No plants,
no life at all."
"I believe that is because this is a desert, Sub-
Admiral."
"I knew that." Kokayne looked around and spotted
Alice. "Ho, natives. Let's not try to frighten it."
Kokayne raised her arms in what she hoped was a
peaceful gesture (and what everyone else in the known galaxy
took as a sign of surrender, given the renowned Amfetameen
battle prowess). The native (female, Kokayne noted in
relief, therefore of high intelligence by definition) stood
her ground.
"We friends," Kokayne said, making an embracing
gesture. "We come from stars." She pointed skyward. "Heap
long distance far away."
Alice shook her head at how ridiculous the blue-
skinned alien woman looked.
"She doesn't understand," one of the guards offered.
"Let's dissect her to see how she works," suggested
another.
"That's inhuman!" exclaimed a third.
"We aren't human."
"Oh. Right."
Alice coughed. "Ahem. Are you finished?"
"She speaks English! Come to think of it, why in the
name of the Great Mother's Menstrual Flow do we speak
English?"
"Everyone in the galaxy speaks English, you goof. And
all the bad guys speak it with a British accent. You never
see 'Star Wars'?"
"Um, don't we have British accents?"
"Quiet," Kokayne ordered. "Earth person, we sake
renegades males, worthless males about this high."
"Are two of them named Kwaylude and Valeeum?"
"Yes!"
"Never heard of them."
"Oh. That's odd. There seems to be an energy
signature coming from your head."
"Oh that's my, uh, built in calculator."
"Guards, seize the human!"
Two beefy Amfetameens seized Alice and held her while
Kokayne examined her with a scanner.
"A personality control device. Devious. Easy enough
to adjust like...so."
"...at the Copa, Copacabana..."
"Change it! Change it!"
Alice shook her head and looked around with a dull
glaze in her eyes. "Huh huh. Blue babes. Huh huh. Cool."
"Well that certainly screwed her up."
"Huh huh. You said screw. Huh huh."
"Might I suggest an adjustment like...so, your Sub-
Admiralship?"
"Hunh? What? Hey...I'm me again. I'm not loyal to
that disgusting troll! I hate his guts!"
"Tell me, primitive Earth-human, who did this to you?"
"Listen you technicolor bimbette, I am not primitive.
And the guy who did this to me is..." A sly look swept over
Alice's face. "If I help you catch those two will you help
me?"
Kwaylude and Valeeum turned off the remote viewer and
mulled over the information they had gathered.
"It was wise you took the precaution of observing the
human female Alice."
"It was an obvious thing to do. You know the fixation
the Author has on strong female characters. It was
inevitable that she would not remain subservient."
"So what do we do now?"
Kwaylude lifted his hand. A key glittered in the dim
light.
"The key to the ORGASM control! How did you get it?"
"Earth humans are stupid. Now, shall we go?"
Kokayne assembled her assault team around the prison.
The armed Amfetameen troops set up portable laser cannons
and mortars with an enthusiasm she had not seen them display
in ages. It probably had something to do with facing an
outnumbered enemy with inferior technology and no hope of
assistance. That sort of thing did not happen often in the
Amfetameen military.
Alice gave them the coordinates to the ORGASM control
center and she felt a wave of satisfaction and relief as the
fireball erupted in a brilliant pink flash. She pumped her
arm and snarled "Yes!"
Edward came running out. "Loyal Alice! What have you
done?"
"Eat me, jerkoff. I'm working with the Sub-Admiral
here. I'm helping them get their two slug-boys back and
then they're going to take over the planet and I'm going
to help them."
There were screams from somewhere to Alice's right and
she saw Amfetameen troops scatter as the hover tank roared
into view. Valeeum's head was stuck out the driver's hatch
while Kwaylude rode the turret wearing a cowboy hat. A
Confederate flag fluttered from an antenna and the deafening
chords of "Ride of the Valkyries" shattered the night air.
The main cannon rotated around and fired a burst of pink
light that enveloped a platoon of warriors. They broke into
a fit of giggling and comparing nail polish.
"No!" Alice and Kokayne cried in unison. The big gun
began to track toward their position.
"Run away! Run away!"
Edward looked around in confusion and saw his two
alien assistants.
"Kwaylude! Valeeum! Over here!"
Kwaylude paused with his hand over the trigger. "You
know, it would be sort of rotten to do it."
"More babes," Valeeum reminded him.
"Say bye bye to Mister Happy," Kwaylude called out to
Edward and fired the gun. The hovertank turned and went in
pursuit of the fleeing Alice and Kokayne.
Aseetominofen frowned at the scene the spysat
recorded. Not only had Kokayne failed to recapture the
renegades she now appeared to be feeding them some form of
native fruit wearing nothing but a few small pieces of
cloth.
"Kokaine not only defeated but enslaved. An
embarrassment to the Amfetameen Matriarchy." She sighed.
"Prepare the invasion fleet."
"You are a jerk."
WHAT DID I DO?
"You set me up!"
SO?
"So? So! You ignorant, obnoxious..."
I FORGET. DO SILVERFISH HAVE SIX OR EIGHT LEGS?
"Oooooooooo. I'll get you. I'll get Larry Niven to
give me a good story."
UN-HUH. LIKE TEELA BROWN?
"Yeah! Author control. Now that was a character
trait!"
TEELA BROWN BECAME A LARGE HUMANOID WITH A BEAK, BONY
CREST ON THE HEAD, OVERSIZED JOINTS AND A BAD ATTITUDE. OH
YEAH, AND HE KILLED HER.
"Well, I'll get someone."
I UNDERSTAND EDDIE GLOVER IS LOOKING FOR CHARACTERS...
"No! Anything but that!"
THEN BEHAVE YOURSELF.
Alice lurked in the bushes and cursed authors of all
sorts. Still it was better than being in a Chalker story.
She would have been someone's sex slave at least by the end
of Part One if he'd been writing.
She needed a plan...
The prison exploded with brilliant blue explosions as
Amfetameen assault ships descended on the desert. Alice
watched in amazement as female troops overran the position,
seized the two aliens, destroyed the ORGASM and vanished
into the sky.
"What the hell was that?"
THE END.
"What?! What kind of ending was that?"
ARE YOU COMPLAINING?
"Your damn right I'm complaining! You put me through
all that and you don't provide a satisfying ending!"
HMM. YOU MIGHT HAVE A POINT THERE. THAT WASN'T
REALLY QUITE RIGHT...
One final explosion lit the night sky and a red
fireball arced out of the remains of the prison and landed
on top of Alice. She looked down in shock and saw that she
was at least six feet tall and had long red hair.
THAT'S BETTER.
"I hate you."
Keith Morrison