The following is a combination of fact and fiction based on events as I remember them. Names and locations have been altered for the purposes of anonymity and to protect the guilty. The story contains sexual scenes between consenting adult Males. If material of this nature offends you, you're under 18, or a religious moralist you likes to be censored from the realities of life and the diversities of the human condition, you should not read this story. You can pray for my soul instead.
The story of Love. Part 4.
I was running, running fast, so fast I thought my lungs would explode. I can be a stubborn bastard at times so I refused to stop and give in to my fatigue. I just slowed a little to ease the pressure as my feet pounded the small footpath that ran parallel to the beach. I'd decided to get out of the house. Running always cleared my head, made me feel better, improved my perspective. Besides, anything was better than lying in my bedroom, wallowing in self-pity and guilt. There was nothing I could do about Pramath. Yeah, I was sorry for what I'd done, shocked at my level of violence. I mean, I'd always had a bit of a temper and could handle myself in a fight. Growing up with five brothers you learned how to take care of yourself or you suffered. But to be capable of inflicting such damage was something else entirely. I'd tried to apologise to Pramath, but if he wasn't receptive, what could I do? Getting depressed and feeling sorry for myself wasn't going to help. I couldn't control Pramath's thoughts or his actions but I could control how I responded to them. Which was why I was out pounding the path, doing something physical, something decisive.
When I returned to the house, breathless and sweaty, I changed into a pair of speedos and jumped into the pool to do a few laps. I felt great, better than I had all day. Pramath and the others got back just as I finished the last lap. My nephews came running out to the pool, shouting and excited.
"Uncle Mike! uncle Mike! you have to be careful. Uncle Pramath banged his head off the side of the pool yesterday so you have to be careful!"
I swam breathlessly to the edge of the pool. He must have made up this story to explain the marks on his face.
"Don't worry, I'll be very careful," I said, smiling. But I think I'm a better swimmer then your uncle Pramath."
"Oh he wasn't swimming, he was getting out of the pool and slipped on the steps. His face made a yucky sound when he fell." Shane, the eldest, said, grimacing
"Yeah! It was a yucky sound," they all piped up. "But there wasn't any blood," they added, looking somewhat disappointed.
"What?" I replied, confused. "You saw him fall?"
"Yeah, uncle Mike, when we came home, daddy said we could swim for half an hour but mommy made us get out of the pool when uncle Pramath fell."
"And you all saw uncle Pramath when he fell? Shane, you saw him fall?"
He nodded, "yeah, and it was yucky. Auntie Asha put ice on his face, she said it would make it all better but it didn't, cos his face still looks like...like yucky puke." They all shrieked with laugher.
I was shocked by this news, I was furious, how could he lie, lead me to believe I had caused such damage. I was confused and hurt at his level of cruelty. Though I have to admit, I was also relieved. I wanted to confront him straight away but didn't get the opportunity until dinner.
We all sat around the table in the dining room. I was chatting with Sean. He was lecturing me about responsibility. How I should phone when I'm staying over with friends. I apologised for the night before, promising to call if it happened again. Pramath was sitting at the other end of the table, I noticed it was as far away from me as possible.
When we were finished eating I piped up,
"Pramath, what happened to your face?"
He looked a little wide eyed and startled, I had to suppress a grin. But before he could answer, Shane spoke,
"Uncle Mike! we told you what happened."
"I know, I know, but I want to hear all the gory, yucky-yucky details from uncle Pramath," I said, laughing as I tickled him. He squirmed and squealed with laugher, as did all my nephews.
"So tell us Pramath, how did it happen? C'mon, give us the gory details."
"Nah! I don't wanna talk about it Mike."
"Awe, c'mon Pramath, don't be a spoilsport, what was it like? What were you thinking when you fell. Were you day-dreaming, a little absent minded when you lost your footing, preoccupied about anything in particular? How did it feel when your face made contact with the cold, hard tiles, did you call out and cry for your mawmee?" I said, playfully, enjoying myself immensely. My nephews squealed in rapturous laughter. I noticed Sean, Dana and Asha were laughing too. But Pramath didn't think it was funny, he didn't look happy as I continued,
"it looks very painful, Pramath, like you were in a fight or something."
"Very funny Mike, it was an accident. I was getting out of the water and just slipped. And yes, it is painful but only when I laugh," he said, trying to be amusing and staring at me intensely.
Dana and Asha stood up and began clearing the table. I stood up too as I said,
"C'mon kids, lets tickle uncle Pramath and make him laugh."
"Yeeeeeaaaahh," they squealed in unison as they ran to gather round him. He went to get up but I held his arms behind the chair and they started tickling his stomach, ribs and neck.
"No! leave me alone." He said, trying to stifle his laugher. "Mike, please! Make `em stop, let me go, ha! ha! ha ! no, no don't, please don't!, ha! ha! ha!, please, ha! ha! ha! no, it hurts, stop!"
He started to struggle more violently and somehow managed to get to his feet before pulling away and running to the other side of the room. The kids gave chase, calling for me to hold him but Pramath quickly turned the tables.
"No! c'mon kids, lets tickle uncle Mike!"
"Yeeeeeaaaahh, they squealed again, running towards me.
I tried to get away by going for the door but Dana was leaving laden with dishes so it gave them enough time to catch me. Pramath grabbed me round the waist and wrestled me to the floor. In a flash, the kids were all over me like a pack of wolves. They started tormenting me, tickling my stomach and neck. I can be extremely ticklish at times so I was laughing uncontrollably. I managed to briefly push them away but Pramath moved in and straddled my stomach. He was holding my arms to the floor, one each side of my head. The kids squealed in delight as they continued tickling me. I raised my hips, pushing Pramath further up my chest and quickly brought my legs up into the air and around his neck, bringing him down onto the floor. I wriggled out from under him, jumped up and out through the patio doors into the cool night air. I was surprised to find my tussle with him had caused a stir in my jeans. I guess it was like Pavlov's dog, force of habit.
They gave chase as I ran across the patio. Luckily Dana came rushing out and insisted the children go inside as it was chilly and time for their baths. They reluctantly trouped back indoors, whining.
"But it's not fair...."
I sat down on a sun-lounger to catch my breath. Pramath sat on one opposite, he had a huge grin on his face.
"That was fun," I said, breathlessly.
"Yeah, their great kids," he replied smiling.
"How come you've no kids Pramath?"
"I'd like kids but Asha wants to wait, maybe next year."
There was a brief silence before he whispered,
"You still angry with me Mike?"
"ME! You're the one whose angry Pramath, what about this morning? Ten days Mike, ten fucking days!"
"Sorry," he said, sheepishly.
"That was cruel Pramath, really cruel, I suffered today, big-time. you've no idea. I really believed I did that to you," I said, gesturing towards his face. "It made me feel bloody awful.
"I know, when I saw you today at lunch, you looked so sad, like you were gonna cry or something. I wanted to sweep you into my arms, tell you how sorry I was, I felt so bad for letting you think you wrecked my face.
"Why did you, why did you let me think I did it?"
"Well you, you just presumed, so I went along with it and I was angry Mike, you hurt me yesterday. You almost broke my arm, slamming me into the wall like that. And the things you said, they cut me right to the bone."
"Oh and what! You were the picture of innocence. You said some terrible things too Prem. You're damn lucky I didn't break your bloody arm."
"I know Mike, I'm sorry, but I didn't like you going off with that...that guy."
"Why, why was it such a big deal? I mean, were you jealous? Jesus, it's not like were engaged or anything. I said with a half-laugh. "As you keenly pointed out, what we did was sex, mostly one-way sex, but sex all the same..."
"I was jealous, I was, I don't know why Mike but I was," he whispered. "I guess I thought what we did was, you know, kinda special and you...you going with that guy made it, I don't know...made it sordid, tarnished somehow."
"Kinda special? C'mon Prem, who are you kidding? I'm not dumb, I know what we did wasn't the same for you as it was for me. I know I was nothing more than a convenient alternative to you right hand."
"Hey! C'mon Mike, don't say it like that, you make it sound so..."
"Damn it Pramath, admit it, I was nothing more than...what did you call it yesterday?...oh yeah, opportunistic sex. When we lay in bed and you made such a pretense at showing me your appendix scar, it was an opportunity. You saw an opportunity to get your rocks off so you went for it. C'mon be honest."
"It sounds so grubby when you put it like that, but yeah, I guess you're right, I'm sorry Mike, really I am, I gave no thought to your feelings. I was thinking only with, with my dick." He gave a half-hearted laugh.
"Then if that's the case Pramath, why were you jealous?" I said, feeling very confused.
"I don't know Mike, I just felt, I just felt possessive, I can't explain, don't be angry with me please, can we move on, you know, and be buddies again...please!" He batted his eyelids in an exaggerated way, making me laugh.
"I should kick your ass all over the this bloody garden," I said, whacking his arm. "but okay, I'll forgive you...uuhh...do you think we could seal it with a kiss?" I asked grinning. When I saw the look on his face I quickly added, "I'm kidding Pramath, I'm kidding, don't look so damn worried."
But to my surprise, he looked around to scan the house, then hastily moved in to grab the back of my head before pressing his lips hard against mine. I leaned into him as I opened my mouth a little to brush his lips with my tongue, he pulled away grimacing and laughing.
"Happy now?" he said grinning.
"Yes, I'll never wash my lips again." I pretended to swoon and he laughed loudly. "But it was too quick Prem, can we do it properly...you know...with tongues." I asked, grinning back at him.
"No Mike, I mean it, be happy with that, otherwise we'll end up fighting again."
"Relax Pramath, lets go in, it's getting cold."
"Can I ask you something first, Mike?"
"Sure, you can ask me anything," I replied.
"Did you sleep with that guy?" he asked meekly.
"Pramath, c'mon, what's the difference...it's not important," it was all I could think to say.
"Tell me," he replied, "it's important to me, did you sleep with him?"
"Yea, I did, but I don't wanna talk about it," I replied, unsure how this was going.
"Okay, I was just curious, I figured you did, you know, since you stayed out all night," he said with a measure of sadness, which only confused me more.
The next day we set off for the weekend to a place called the Drakensburg. It had been pre-arranged by my brother Sean. He didn't come with us as he had to stay behind in Durban to work. We booked into our hotel on Friday, and on Saturday, myself and Pramath took a guided tour up a steep, tortuous 12km mountain roadway known as the Sani Pass to Lesotho. We sat at the back of these open-top jeep-like buses, with blankets to protect us from the increasing cold as we our way around the hair-raising, hairpin bends along the mountain. Dana and Asha stayed behind at the hotel, afraid it would be too cold for them and the children.
Half way up the Sani Pass, Pramath surreptitiously took hold of my hand under the blanket. I wasn't sure if it was out of fear of the steep inclines or if he was just being affectionate. Not that it mattered, I loved the intimacy of holding his hand, it made me feel kinda special. At one point I moved my hand over to his groin, he flinched and tried to push it away, I guess he was afraid of being discovered but I persisted and felt him become aroused. I very gently and tentatively undid his zipper and took hold of his growing member, I just held it, captivated by its sheer size. I gently ran my thumb over the fat mushroom head. I didn't jerk it as I was afraid someone would notice the movement. I smiled inwardly at Pramath's obvious discomfort as he chatted to an elderly man sitting two sets in front. It was all a bit surreal, holding his big meaty cock as we chugged along that dusty mountain pass.
When we eventually reached the top, we went into, what was reputed to be the highest pub in Africa. We had something to eat and a couple of beers and afterwards headed out to do a little exploring. I wore several layers of clothing. Coming from a relatively cold country I was well used to the cold but Pramath wasn't. He constantly bickered about feeling chilled. Even after I gave him my hooded sweatshirt, he still complained. I ribbed him about it.
We followed a path around the mountain until we came to a wider section. We sat down on some rocks, on a relatively steep slope, Pramath sat a little lower down and lay back against my chest. I wrapped my arms around him, holding him close, rubbing his arms and chest, as we laughed about the cold weather.
I loved the closeness, the intimacy, just being with him. As we sat there chatting, three men and two women, came around a curve in the path, Pramath started to pull away but I held him tighter, whispering in his ear,
"relax Pramath, they don't know us and it's not like we're doing anything wrong."
"Mike, this is South Africa, you're white, I'm Indian, people are naturally curious, didn't you notice everyone staring at us today when we got in the Jeep? And look at them watching us now."
"Fuck em, let em watch." I whispered, giggling. "Besides, this is Lesotho, so technically there's no fucking apartheid here.
As they passed a few feet from us, I raised my hand,
"hello, would you mind taking our photo," I said, holding up my camera. They looked a little surprised as they stopped. One of the men took our picture and we passed a few pleasantries. The women did most of the talking, asking where we were from etc. As we spoke, I noticed one cute guy, he was about my age, with blue eyes and tuffs of mousy blond hair sneaking out from under his hat, he was staring right at us, at the way my arms were draped over Pramath's shoulders and across his chest. Immediately my gaydar when into full alert mode. I gave him my best smile and he smiled back before finding something interesting on the ground. They said goodbye, enjoy your holiday etc. and we watched them walk along the path. The cute guy looked back furtively, I waved and he returned my wave before disappearing around a sharp bend.
"Mike, I can't believe you did that, asking them to take our picture and talking to them like that."
"C'mon Pramath, it's no big deal, I was just being friendly.
"Mike, I'm sure they were wondering about us, they probably thought we were a couple of fairies."
"Gay Pramath, the polite word is gay, anyway, who cares what they think, for all they know we're just two friends, close friends keeping each other warm," I said as I squeezed him tighter. "Hey, did you notice the cute guy scoping us?"
"No Mike, which one?"
"The good-looking blond guy, he was staring right at us, you had to notice him."
"No, I don't usually notice that kinda thing Mike, I'm not in the habit of looking at guys and thinking, oh he's a cutie, I'd give him one" he roared with laugher. "I tend to look at the ladies...er...except for you of course," he said, patting my hand and giggling.
"You're such a charmer Pramath...er...do you think we could get together later?"
"No, I don't think so Mike, it's not a good idea, besides, it will be difficult, you know, with he others."
"But Prem, you leave in a few days and want to snuggle up with you before we say goodbye."
"Awe, c'mon Mike, don't say it like that."
"Like what?"
"You make it sound so final, so tragic," he said, laughing.
"I don't mean to, it's just, well, I'll, I'll miss you when you're gone, I like you Pramath, I like you a lot, you know that, don't yeh."
"I know you do," he said as he squeezed my hand. "C'mon, we better get going or they'll leave without us and I don't fancy spending the night on this cold mountain."
"Mmm, that would be nice," I replied, pulling him back against my chest. "We could share a bunk at the little pub," I kissed his cheek.
"Jesus Mike! don't do that, people will see us," he said, jumping-up and looking around in panic.
"Relax, there's no one about", I replied, following him along the path.
"It doesn't matter Mike, it's still risky, just control yourself for fuck's sake."
"Okay, okay, don't loss your blob!" I replied, grinning.
He hit me playfully on my arm and ran ahead. I gave chase and jumped onto his back, he carried my along and we giggled like a couple of schoolboys before we fell down laughing.
"I'm gonna really miss you too Mike," he said, as he pulled me to my feet.
"Come to my room tonight and I'll give you something to remember me by," I replied, fluttering my eyebrows and giggling, "please Pramath."
"Okay Mike, I'll try."
"If not, I can always invite that cute blond guy to my room," I said, giggling. "I'm almost sure he's staying at our hotel." As soon as I said it, I wished I could take it back. He looked pained, genuinely hurt. He paused to look out across the mountain before turning back to face me.
"Don't do that Mike, don't, don't tease me like that," he whispered.
I was surprised and confused by his reaction.
"I'm sorry, I was kidding, c'mon Pramath, you know I was only kidding, don't look so glum. He's nothing compared to you." I reached up to caress his cheek and he responded with a half-smile. There was a touch of sadness to it. and like osmosis, it began to infect me too, I shrugged if off, "C'mon I'll race yeh to the bus," I said, laughing and bounding ahead.
"Hey, that's cheating!" he shouted, in hot pursuit.
Later that evening after we'd all had dinner we sat drinking coffee and chatted for about an hour. Afterwards, they went back to their rooms and left me on my own. They tended to go to bed early, usually around nine. It was way too early for me so I hung around and chatted with other hotel guests and drank a couple of beers. Later I went to my room and sat watching TV but I couldn't relax, I kept getting up and pacing the room like a pent-up animal waiting for Pramath to arrive. He promised to come as soon as Asha was sleeping. It was almost midnight when he finally knocked on my door.
As soon as he was in the room, I was all over him. I was tearing at his clothes as he laughed, telling me to slow down. I was so fucking horny, my cock strained against the fabric of my shorts as I undid his belt. I yanked his trousers and white briefs down in one swift motion and paused to look at his huge swelling cock. He was tripping copious amounts of pre-cum, obviously horny in anticipation of our meeting. I quickly took it in my mouth, savoring the earthy tang as I ran my tongue across the slit and sucked on the salty-sweet nectar. He moaned softly in pleasure before gently pushing me away and undressing completely.
Naked, he was a sight to behold, like a Greek statue fashioned from the rarest marble, a figure of masculine perfection. I ran my hands over his muscular frame, through his dark hairy chest, across his six-pack abs, passed his large throbbing cock and down to his powerfully built legs. I turned him round, and with an intake of breath, explored his perfect round ass, massaging his muscular butt-cheeks and parting them to gawp spellbound at his hidden treasure. I proceeded to run my tongue across his dark rose-bud before making my way up along his back. I kissed the nape of his neck as I pushed my hand between his legs to gently cup his large, low-hanging balls. He parted his legs to give me greater access as he leaned against me, moaning. I played with his balls as I kissed his neck and nibbled his ear.
I quickly dropped my shorts, and stepping out of them as he turned to face me. We embraced, holding onto each other like our lives depended on it. I wanted so much to draw him close, to kiss those sweet dark lips but I knew it was taboo. I settled for his neck and face, covering the damaged side with soft butterfly kisses. Suddenly, he reached up, took my head in his hands and pressed his forehead against mine and I watched in surprise and horror as a single tear fell from his eye to travel the length of his handsome face before dropping and landing on my exposed foot. I started to speak but he placed his finger on my lips to silence me.
Taking my hand, he guided me to the large double bed and pulled back the covers. We lay down and I moved across his body to take him in my mouth. But he pulled me towards him and held me in a tight embrace. I started to say something but again he silenced me by placing his fingers on my lips. He pushed me over onto my back and lay on top of me with his legs tucked under him, each knee resting on either side of my chest, his massive cock pressed against my stomach. He rested his head on my chest, just below my chin, and I could feel his warm breath on my neck. I held him close and gently stroked his hair as I felt hot tears sear my skin.
This was not at all how I'd foreseen things, not at all what I'd planned. I was concerned and very confused.
"What's wrong Pramath, why are you crying?"
"Shhh, don't speak Mike, please, I'm okay, give me a minute, just hold me, please."
I held him to my chest as I kissed his forehead and continued to stroke his hair. He put his arms around my neck and we lay there in silence for a long time before I was forced to break the mood.
"Pramath," I whispered softly. "I'm sorry but you're getting too heavy, I'm finding it difficult to breath."
He rolled over on his back and I snuggled up to him, pushing my face into the warm crevice between his neck and shoulder. We lay together for sometime as I ran my fingers through his chest hair. I was amazed at its density and length, it was like a woolly mammoth. I kissed and nibbled his shoulders and neck. The smooth, honey-toned skin of his shoulder contrasted with the hair on his chest. This, coupled with his sweet manly aroma, was enough to drive me crazy. I moved over to kiss each tear stained eye before moving to his ear and whispering,
"Pramath...I wanna fuck you...I wanna make love to you."
No way Mike! Jesus I can't, I've never done anything like that!"
"I know Pramath, that's why it'll be so good" I whispered, looking into his moistened brown eyes. "Do this one thing for me Prem, I want you to be the first guy I do it with, something we'll always remember."
"what about the airport guy Mike, didn't you to it with him or did he do it to you?"
"No, he wanted to do it with me but I didn't let him. I'd much prefer to do it with you Prem. C'mon, you'll like it, hasn't it been fun so far?"
"Yes, yes it has, but, but it's different, it's crossing a line."
"No it's not Pramath, c'mon man, you've just been conditioned into seeing it as some kinda taboo. Let's just give it a try, it'll be fun and I want you so bad, I'll be gentle, I promise" I said as I nibbled his ear.
I could see he was losing the battle, was considering the prospect, so I quickly said, "I'll get some moisturizer from the bathroom."
Before he had a chance to reply, I slid out of bed, ran to the bathroom and returned with a bottle.
"I don't know about this Mike, is it gonna hurt?"
"Look, lets give it a try, if you don't like it I'll stop and just fuck between your thighs like I did before."
As we spoke I was already smearing some between his ass crack, he flinched,
"Hey! That's cold," he said, giggling.
He got up on his knees, pushing his ass in the air, keeping his head on the pillow. It was an impressive sight, his muscular ass looked hot and inviting as I smeared moisturizer onto my throbbing cock. I guided the tip towards his dark rose-bud.
"Now go slow Mike. God, I can't believe I'm doing this."
I positioned the head of my cock at the entrance and proceeded to push. It took several attempts, there was a lot of resistance but with a little perseverance it eventually popped through his sphincter. He gasped as I slowly and very gently entered him to the hilt.
And oh my God! The feeling was beyond description. No amount of books, porn magazines or videos had prepared me for such an incredible feeling, it was the most intense, exquisite feeling ever. The tight enclosed warmth of him set my body aflame. It was as if my whole body was enveloped in pure perfect pleasure. I slowly withdrew and gently pushed back in again, I moaned as he howled.
"Stop, Mike...stop, stop, stop, this feels too fucking weird."
"Okay...okay...just relax Pramath...relax your body, it is painful, does it hurt?"
"No Mike, it just...it just feels weird, like I wanna take a dump."
"Okay, I'll stop," I said, full of disappointment and regret.
I pulled out from him and he turned over onto his back.
"I'm sorry but that was too fucking weird Mike."
"It's okay Prem, don't worry about it." I said, as I kissed and sucked on his nipple. "Maybe we can try again a little later."
"Mike...er...maybe...er...do you think we could try it with me lying like this, on my back?"
"Hell yeah! We could give it a try," I said, full of enthusiasm again.
"Okay Mike, lets try it, put some more moisturizer, it may help."
He grabbed hold of his knees, pulled them his towards his chest and spread them wide. I took a pillow and placed it under his ass before smearing him with more lotion. I wobbled above him as I got into position. Placing my throbbing, rock-hard cock at this puckered hole and watched in awe as it slide back in with little resistance.
"Wait Mike...wait, stop moving...em...just give me a second...just wait...okay...okay...do it...but go slow."
I continued to slowly thrust, gently sliding in and out as I moaned softly, lost in a warm ocean of bliss. I had to fight the powerful, almost overwhelming urge to thrust more vigorously. Instead, I gently increased the speed a fraction, each time pushing up to the hilt and back again as I floated on waves of ecstasy. I heard him moan softly in what could only be described as a sound of pleasure. I took this as a good sign and started to thrust a little faster. My whole body tingled as I pushed deeper into his wonderfully tight ass. His soft moaning grew louder as my pounding grew faster, he started jerking on his cock and groaning,
"oh Mike that feels good, fucking weird...but good, oh man, I can't believe I'm do...Oh yeah...oh yeah...just there...that feels good.
I grabbed his ankles, and throwing my head back, began thrusting with abandon as he continued,
"Oh man that feels fucking weird...oh your...your doing something, hitting something...go deeper, Mike, yes, harder man!...harder!... oh yeah!...oh yeah! I'm gonna cum."
He pulled his knees closer and lifted his ass a little higher to give me greater access and started to push his ass to match my now urgent, salacious, animalistic thrusts. My hips were slapping noisily against his taut muscular ass-cheeks and my cock made a wet squelching sound as I rammed it into him. It wasn't long before I left the beginnings of my own climax building deep within my body as I continued thrusting. He moaned loudly when I reached down to push his hand away before grasping his huge throbbing cock to wrap my fingers around the swollen mushroom head. And just as I reached the most intense orgasm of my young life, he let out a stifled cry before spurting copious amounts of hot sticky semen onto my hand, my fingers and his torso. I collapsed forward and lay prostrate against his firm muscular body with my cock still deeply embedded within him. We lay there, catching our breaths, enjoying the deep feeling of gratification and complete sexual fulfillment. A warm, cosy afterglow that enabled us to soar to new heights of contentment until gradually my softening cock slipped from him to break the mood and bring us back down to reality.
**** Epilogue.
I don't know if Pramath was gay, bi, confused or a straight man who just took advantage of an opportunity to explore and experience something different. I never got the chance to find out. I never pushed him for an adequate explanation. His possessiveness, his last night tears and the fact that he let me fuck him but not kiss him is something that has always confused me. I guess, like most people, I tend to see things in the binary opposites, gay or straight. As gay men we have a tendency to place people along that dichotomy but maybe there are no absolutes, and perhaps that's how it should be.
After that first memorable trip to South Africa, I returned to London and have never meet Pramath since. He lingers somewhere on the periphery of my consciousness, only to come to the forefront when his name is mentioned. Shortly after my visit, he emigrated to Australia with his wife. They run their own import/export business. They have two children, two boys, who would be in their teens now.
I returned to London and met with John. We dated on and off for a couple of years before he eventually returned to America. He came with me when my friend Juma got married and I pointed out Dr. H. as the man who initiated me with my first sexual experience. We still keep in touch. Myself and Rakanja visit him and his partner in New York or they come to us in London.
During those university years, I dated several guys and even had a couple of heterosexual experiences, mostly it was casual sex, one night stands. But I grew disillusioned. I don't wanna sound smug, but I know I hit the jackpot with Rakanja and have never felt a need to be with anyone else. Yes, I've looked and admired over the years, I am human after all, but I've never indulged. I guess it's a bit like window shopping, you look, you admire but you don't make a purchase.
Rakanja still fears I will one day up and leave him, in his heart he knows I wont, but he still worries. I think it's to do with the age gap. Rakanja is almost 60 and I'll soon be 42. The irony is, he doesn't look his age, people always assume we're both in our 40's. I don't know if it's genetics, his fitness regime or his liquorice-black skin but he looks a decade younger. Not that it matters because I love him unconditionally. But I still have to reassure him at times, explain how there are no guarantees in any relationship, gay or straight. But I love him and can't imagine my life without him. How I need the love, security and reassurance I get from our relationship .
And yet, there are times, particularly late at night, when I have trouble sleeping. I lie awake, warm and snug against his dark muscular body and my mind begins to drift. I think about the people we meet and the choices we make as gay men. I think about the directions our lives take. I think about how my life would have been if things had turned out differently. I think about the `if onlys'.
I think about a hand, moving from a scar, to grasp a swelling penis, and how your whole life can pivot on a single decision, one fleeting moment of brilliance that can resonate and echo throughout your life before the choice is made, consummated and then gone forever, only to be resurrected and given new life...as a memory.
**** The End ****
Copyright 2005
I apologise if this appears a little rushed, particularly the epilogue but I wanted to get it finished as I'm working on other stuff. I want to take this opportunity to thank those of you who have taken the time to write to me with your praise, criticisms, comments and suggestions. I really appreciate the feedback. Email: feckon@yahoo.com