Two months pass and I finally bring myself to leave the house for a night out. Of course I had told no one about what had happened. I myself was unsure about whatever had happened. And the bottom line is that I just couldn't bring myself to even... think about what I would say. See, I have a few close friends... some of them are gay too and know that I am... But I don't think it's even occurred to them... about the kind of fantasies I have, the kind of fucking I get off on... being made to grovel and beg. Illyas found me out on the first night we met, and he'd been the only one who knew before that morning with Marc, Anton, and Brandon. There was a guy in college who knew too... but that was a long time ago and I doubt he'd remember or want to. I was in a private college for boys back home in Ottawa... a lot of 'gay' things happened there... all of which no one talked about ever again once we stepped off campus. Most of those guys are married now, with families... Sometimes I wish I were like one of them, that I could just walk out on all of this, leave it behind me as I go about a 'regular' life. Instead, I'm trying to figure out which tie will impress my 'date', whom I know won't fuck me the way I need to be fucked... But I'm just hoping for something a little more steady now. Something simple and... healthy, I guess. Illyas gave me what I wanted, but I'm petrified of what I want.
Dennis had introduced me to Jake on the set of a movie they did together. Jake knew almost immediately that I was gay... Sometimes people just know. It had been a while back, but Jake's been asking me out to the clubs with him for some time now... and I figured it might be a good idea. He is into the same 'kind' of men I am so weak for, and his youthful enthusiasm seemed rather refreshing. For two months I had been cooped up in my house feeling jaded about it all, so it seemed somewhat apt to spend some time with the 'younger' crowd; maybe live vicariously through their eagerness and unabashed sexuality. (Plus, Jake's a very 'straight' guy and it works out with the press to be seen^×even at a gay club^×with the Hollywood 'liberal' crowd.)
We met at a nice newly-opened club that had a large lounge area where a number of celebrity 'liberals' often chill out. Jake looked sharp in his t-shirt and blazer combo, baseball cap slightly slanted on his head. His stubble was really filling out and it gave him a quality that I found tremendously sexy. But I tried to play it cool. Over drinks, Jake made it clear how his rather infectious brand of reckless sexual confidence came to be. He was 'new' to the 'scene', just an experimental kid who has the occasional tendency of checking out other guys and surfing gay porn. He never had to pretend to like girls^×he really did like them, and quite a bit, I may add. Never had he been through a day of high school worrying what would happen to him if anyone found out that he lingered in the boys' locker room slightly longer than was needed; or that he kept a used pair of a jock's jockstrap under his bed... No, Jake was nice and well-adjusted. He had just done a film that made him realize how much his 'tendency' could be pursued; so he wanted to try something different, something new... And no, he had yet to "do anything with a dude."
Jake was a good drinker and within two hours of us being there we hadn't stopped the liquor flowing. Jake was a smooth talker too, but respectful... He seemed very conscious of my boundaries and was careful not to over-step with the questions. Mainly, we talked about him and our upcoming work. It was comfortable. I enjoyed his presence and laid-back character. The fact he was such yummy eye-candy didn't hurt the situation either.
"Hey, I almost forgot, dude. There's someone I want you to meet. He's a good friend of mine... We just met in Hong Kong while Ang was introducing me to this awesome art-house type director^×you ever seen anything by Wong Kar Wai?"
"I've seen a handful of his work. I liked it quite a bit."
"Well this actor who's in a lot of his films... Well he'll be here in a bit, so I'll save the introductions for then."
Hearing this, I must say I was a little disappointed. I had flattered myself into believing that Jake had been making subtle moves on me all evening, and this was definitely an illusion dampened by the fact that our meeting wasn't meant to be just between the two of us. I mean, Jake really isn't my 'type' and all, but... I think I'm just holding on to anything to keep me going right now. I still can't get Brandon out of my thoughts, which is definitely strange, and after two months of trying to figure out what it was I felt with Brandon, and what it meant, and if he had... participated in whatever had happened that morning at Illyas' place... Well let's say two months of brooding, chain-smoking, and binging on un-prescribed meds just have me wanting a good break. Maybe even a hot distraction, and Jake definitely fit the bill on that account.
When Tony Leung walked up to our table awhile later though, I was caught off-guard. I had seen Happy Together (the Asian cinema Brokeback Mountain) of course, and without doubt had developed a tiny crush on one of its male leads. I mean, who wouldn't? And In the Mood for Love?! Christ... And the man was more adorable in person. His eyes and expression seemed to be perpetually intense, and he has this reticence and old-school gentlemanly charm... even off-screen.
"Tony, this is Matt Perry. Matt^×Tony Leung," Jake introduced us and my hand extended towards him just as my dick stirred to extend itself.
'Fag hospitality,' I wanted to quip, but remembered my circumstances. It's always uncomfortably strange to meet with a fellow actor and having to pretend not to be star-struck. It's even worse when you've spent hours watching the actor's film performances with your hand down the front of your pants... then finding that he's even more of a turn on when you're face to face.
"I'm a fan of yours, actually," I managed to say, noticing immediately his firmly held grip on our handshake and our fixed eye contact.
Tony smiled, graciously bowing his head a little. In a moment of my guard being let down though, I bit my lower lip, revealing to the table my now-obvious attraction. The sudden silence between the three of us in contrast with the chatter of the rest of the bar snapped me out of it, and I quickly withdrew my hand and searched for something funny to say. Of course, 'fag hospitality' was the first thing to resurface in my head, so I said nothing.
"So what would ya' like to get started on?" Jake asked Tony, flashing me a quick glance and fighting back a mischievous grin.
Tony elegantly fought back his own smile, and it seemed to ease the tension to find that Tony was still looking at me with a smile in his eyes.
"How about a fresh round of whatever you were both drinking... I'm sorry that I'm late," he said, his voice resounding with a timbre that I cannot find words to describe. And it was a curious delight to hear him speak in English... I think it made me blush all the more.
"Jake, put it on my card... I'm just going to... use the men's room real quick... Excuse me..." Getting off my seat, I started hearing the waltz theme (from In the Mood for Love) play in my head as I maneuvered my body around Tony's to make my way to the restroom.
Splashing water on my face, I chuckled to myself at my absurd behavior. My dick had already stirred and I blamed the evening's uncontrollable weaknesses on the fact that the last time I was fucked I couldn't even remember what had happened. That rationale made Illyas enter my mind, but instead of the anger and hurt that in the last two months had accompanied his memory, I found myself getting turned on. I then recalled what Illyas had said to me that morning on his driveway... he had told me that after he and his friends had had their way with me, I'd return the next day begging for more. Well I hadn't returned the next day. But it wasn't because I didn't want to. I was just too ashamed. I didn't know how to face him after what he had done, without proving how big of a cockslut I really am. And it bothered me deeply that I had no idea what they had done, what I was made to do for them and their amusement. Had I been conscious? Did I come to from my passing out to crawl between Anton's legs, proceeding then to fucking my face on his rock hard cock? In my drunken sex-crazed stupor, did I say things I dare not even think about? Did I scream out shamelessly when Marc shoved bead after bead of Illya's toy collection into my asshole, not asking him to stop when I felt myself tear? Did I scream for more? And perhaps most importantly, did Brandon watch with his sweet cocky smile? Did he take a turn riding my ass while I was on all fours and plastered with their sweat and cum? Or was that not his style? Did he just spread my asscheeks wide apart for Illyas to watch my hole pucker and bleeding, drooling out thick white dribbles of their cum?
All the grime of cum and sweat and spit and cigarette ash that I had to wash off my skin the next morning... was some of it Brandon's? Did he laugh at me with them? Did he sit on the sofa, occasionally extending his leg to prod at my ass or abdomen, or back, while Anton and Marc fucked me the way they were fucking him when I first entered the room? Or was he too busy claiming his goddamn prize? Completely oblivious to my screams and gagging and begging because he had his tongue plunged into Illyas, rimming our mutual god while Illyas spanked his dildo-filled ass red and raw?
I splash more water on my face, sighed and ignored my reflection in the mirror as I made my way out to the front patio of the place. Pulling my blazer closer around me, I stepped onto the sidewalk, tapping a cigarette out of its pack. Before I could reach for my lighter though, a match was struck beside me and a flame brought to my face. It was Tony. I leaned forward and accepted the gesture.
"Thanks... What you doing out here?" I asked.
"Trying to quit," he smiled, striking another match and lighting his own cigarette.
(Okay, here I have to say that you wouldn't understand what I mean about how seductive it is to watch this man smoke, unless you've seen him in a Wong Kar Wai film. Tony having a cigarette in them is an entire cinematic device and experience on its own, the sequences shot as if Kar Wai too has his own secret sexual fascination and frustration. Watching Tony smoke was like having a love affair with a stranger and from a distance. The lights from the club dimming, with only the streetlight spotlighting him and his silhouette...)
"Are you alright?" Tony asked, snapping me out of my revelry.
"Hmm?"
It took me a moment before realizing that I had been staring. So I smiled, trying to match his reserved politeness, quickly flicking the long pipe of ash off the end of my cigarette and trying even harder to keep my eyes off his lips as they wrapped around the butt of his cigarette. But I couldn't help myself. I looked up at him, my eyes rushing to take in as much of his profile, his complexion, his delicate charm... while trying to think of something to talk about, an excuse to read his lips.
"How long will you be in town for?" It was the first question that came into my head, and right after I said it I cursed myself, paranoid-ly worried if it gave away more of my interest in him.
"Not very long, I think. I'm not working on any projects back in Hong Kong, so I'm on vacation. My wife has family here."
A part of my heart sank at the mention of his wife, and it must've shown quite hurtfully on my face because his expression responsively changed.
He furrowed his brows and tried to redeem himself, "Well, I mean... By my wife, I mean..."
He paused. Then looked down and smiled somewhat bashfully, and I think I finally let the message sink in. My expression must have changed again, with this slow realization, because he quietly added:
"Actually... it has never occurred to me to quit smoking."
We both looked at each other and smiled. I think it was in part relief and in part a little more than hopeful, regarding where the night may end. We had been looking at each other only a moment before we both simultaneously looked back down at our feet^×which only made us smile and chuckle to ourselves some more.
"I'm sorry; I'm not very good at this," I say under my breath.
"Me neither."
Again, we look up at each other, trying to read the other's face and eyes.
"Can I stay at your house tonight?"
For a moment I snapped out of my Wong Kar Wai fantasies and its intense seductions. My head spun a bit as it came back down to earth. It was too fast. I wasn't used to being the one who decided, the one in control. I wasn't even sure if this man was... what I needed in my bedroom... or in my ass. He was soft-spoken and too... kindly... He was what I wanted to imagine myself with in a relationship... but sexually... I wasn't sure. And that night I needed someone sexually, or at least my house to myself so I can...
"It's not a big deal. Jake is actually putting me up, but... I was... hoping for your company," he added, flicking his cigarette butt to a side and taking out another.
At this point I wanted to grab out my lighter, extend him the same courteous gesture he had extended me, but at the same time I was dying to see him light his cigarette again on his own. The way he uses matches... the striking of the matchbox, the calm manner in which he brought the flame to his face with one hand shielding the flame... the flick of his wrist to kill the flame on the match... It was really hot to watch.
"Uh... Well..." I tried to stop repeating his cigarette-lighting sequence over and over again in my head.
Tony raised and furrowed his eyebrows. It was a classic move, and yes, I was so pathetically star-struck. Tony has been called the Clark Gable of Asian cinema, and I definitely could appreciate the comparison, watching his subtle gestures, subtle changes in expression...
"Sure. Yes. Please... I mean... Company would be nice. Your company, I mean... Okay, I... I don't know what I'm saying..." I was stuttering like a fool.
He smiled wide and nodded, then glanced around us. Taking a step closer and with his head lowered and surrounded by a cloud of smoke, he said:
"I'm not very good with words when it comes to feelings. But I would like to please you tonight. Is there... somewhere where... we can be alone?"
The way he kept his gaze lowered... I couldn't tell if he was like me or just... so classically polite. Whatever it was, it felt like his proposition didn't come easily from him. Besides... as much as I was hesitant, there was something about this man that put butterflies in my gut.
"Of course... I mean..." I took a deep breath. Tony passed me his lit cigarette and I smiled gratefully, taking it and taking a long drag. I dropped my voice. "I would like to please you too..."
We looked up at each other for a long moment, his expression calm and quite unreadable to me... while I think my expression betrayed my yearning and confusion. Reaching out, he retrieved his cigarette from my slightly trembling hand, brushing his fingers lightly over mine. He took a last long drag, flicked the butt into a planter, and put a hand on my shoulder leading me back into the lounge.