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Chapter Six
On the way back to our place later, Mom and I were both withdrawn, off in our own worlds, trying to absorb what had happened. Poor Walter. He'd spent most of the evening just sitting on the sidelines, watching Mom and Michael talk. And man did they talk. After the shock and initial awkwardness wore off, they were off and running. Sitting there watching them, I could imagine what they'd been like as teenagers. There really did seem to be a special connection between them, even after all the years.
Even though Mom and Walter had to be at work in the morning and I wasn't working until evening, I went to bed as soon as we got back to the house and they stayed up. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. Too many changes in too short a time. I was having trouble processing everything. Mom had just as much to absorb but she was dealing with it better. She and Walter were deep in conversation when I drifted off to sleep. In the morning over breakfast after Walter left for work, I finally got to ask Mom some questions.
"Why didn't you ever tell me what happened, Mom?"
"What was I supposed to say? When you were little, it wouldn't have been appropriate. You would have had no idea what I was talking about. As you got older and I assumed you were straight, how could I tell you that about your father? How do you think a straight thirteen year old would react finding out his father was gay?"
"Lots of kids have gay fathers or mothers. Some handle it better than others, I guess."
"Maybe if I'd known you were gay I would have said something, but then, I've obviously had issues with the subject. You can see why now."
"Yeah, your experience with gay men has been pretty repetitious. I can see why you freaked when you walked in on Luke and me. Deja vu and all that."
"Images of Mike and that guy kept flashing through my head when I saw you and Luke. That had been the worst moment of my life, and it came back so vividly. All these years I've made it a gay thing in my mind. What it was really about, though, was a sense of betrayal."
"Well, he did betray you, but it was still a gay issue. From what little I know of him, and from watching the two of you last night, I don't think that if Michael were straight he would have ever cheated on you with a woman. But I think he'd been trying so hard to be something he wasn't, to be what people expected him to be, to not hurt anyone, and it blew up in his face."
"In everyone's faces. I suppose, somewhere deep down, I've realized that. That's why I agreed with you last week when you talked about not living a lie. I've seen the damage that can do."
"So you were living with Michael's parents when he left. What happened to them? I don't remember any grandparents."
"Mike's mother handled it all worse than I did, though she was always a bit of an hysterical person anyway. I think today's term for it is drama queen. She had a breakdown of sorts. I moved out as soon as I could find a place for the two of us that I could afford. After all, they weren't my family and it was an unpleasant situation all around. Not long after the divorce, Mike's father had a chance to transfer to his company's Chicago office. Mike's sister and her family lived near there, so they moved. They came back once to visit you and kept in touch for a while, but we were a part of their bad memories. Besides, Mike's sister had a whole slew of kids out there for them to dote on."
"Did you ever try to keep in touch with Michael?"
"I was hurt, angry and humiliated, Bry. He'd offered and I'd taken every penny he had in the divorce, although it wasn't much. He pretty much gave me whatever I wanted, including full custody of you. I didn't want him to have visitation rights, didn't want him anywhere near you. He had loved you so much but he didn't fight me. I realize now he was just as humiliated as I was but I wasn't thinking about him back then, only what he'd done to me."
"How does Walter feel about all of this?"
"He's being very supportive. He knew that my marriage to your father had broken up due to infidelity but I had never told him any of the details. I never told anyone."
"Well, I don't know about anyone else, but as far as I'm concerned, this is going to take a lot of getting used to. I was just getting to know John and Michael as friends. It's hard to think of Michael as my father."
"I know. You may never have a traditional kind of father and son relationship, but he's a good man, Bry. He's missed out on everything as far as you're concerned and I think he'd like to be a part of your life. You two just have to build a relationship that works for both of you."
"You say he's a good man, yet all my life you've called him a jerk. I think he's a good guy from the little I know of him, but what changed your mind? A couple of hours of talking last night?"
"No, Bry. I guess I never really stopped loving him but I was hurt. I blamed him for ruining my life and yours by being gay, like it was his fault, like he'd done it deliberately. I never tried to look at it from his point of view. It never occurred to me that he was hurting as much I was. It was nobody's fault. It's just the way things were. We all handled it very badly. Maybe after all this time we can be a little more mature about it."
After Mom left for work I had all day to kill before I had to be at work myself. I really didn't feel like spending the day lying on the beach, but what else do you do when you're at the shore? I went to the beach, but decided to walk. I had a lot of nervous energy and needed to do a lot of thinking. I went down to the edge of the water and walked along the wet sand where it was firmer and easier to walk.
When I was a kid I'd spent a lot of time fantasizing about having a father. I'd never been able to have any kind of clear idea of what he was like. Mom didn't have any pictures of him and never talked about him. I guess I dreamed up someone who was a cross between my friends' fathers and the guys Mom dated. Michael wasn't anything like any of them. I still thought he was a hot guy, even if he was my father. While John was a hot stud, Michael was more of a sweet, gentle sexy man. I liked both of them so much. I hoped they'd be willing to let me be a part of their lives. I loved the few times I'd been with them and now we were family.
I thought a lot about Mom, too. She'd been a hot babe as far back as I was aware of those things and she'd had quite a few boyfriends over the years. None of the relationships were very serious; none lasted very long. Sometimes I thought she just wasn't interested in something serious. Sometimes I worried that I was in the way; that maybe one of her relationships might have developed into something more if I weren't around. She had been an amazing mother, always there for me, always putting me first. We'd had lots of financial problems over the years and I knew how much she'd sacrificed for me. It had never occurred to me that her relationship with my father had been as deep as it was. I had thought of it as just the first in her long string of short-term, casual relationships. I never realized that it had been her great love, and that she'd been grieving for it all these years.
On the way back down the beach, I thought about Luke. I'd only had brief glimpses of him now and then over the past week. He didn't seem happy. I wondered how I could get an opportunity talk to him. I couldn't go over to the house and I didn't have his cell phone number. I'd been hoping to run into him somewhere all week, but the only time I saw him was when he was working on the beach, and at least one of the others was with him then. Our 'relationship' had ended before it even began and I wasn't sure there was a way to revive it. I wasn't sure there was anything to revive.
I got back to the house in time to take a nap before work. When I got up, Mom was home but was getting ready to go out.
"Where are you going tonight, Mom?"
"Walter and I are going out to eat with John and Mike. I suppose I should try to get used to calling him Michael since he seems to prefer that now. We thought it would be a good idea if we all got to know one another. Your father and I have so much catching up to do, but we want to make sure Walter and John are a part of this new friendship, or whatever this is, as well."
"What about me? Shouldn't I be a part of things, too?"
"Of course, baby, but you've got to work tonight so this dinner is just for the grown-ups." I stuck my tongue out at her. She stuck hers out right back at me. "There will be lots of time for you to get to know John and Michael better. We'll have to make sure of that."
Walter came in and got changed for dinner while I got ready for work. Although I usually had fun at work, I wished I was going with them.
When I was behind the counter at work, I could see the lifeguard's house as well as my own. I'd see them all coming and going but it wasn't like before Adam had walked in on Luke and me. Luke was always on his own and didn't seem to spend much time at the house. Tony and Jared still hung out together, but not always with Adam. Their whole little group seemed to have fallen apart. About the only thing they all did was avoid the pizzeria. None of them wanted to see me, or be seen with me, I wasn't sure which. Probably both.
A little after eleven I saw Mom and Walter get home from their dinner. As soon as I could get away, I ran across the street and went inside to see how things had gone.
"Hey Mom, Walter, how'd it go tonight?"
"Great! Your ears must have been ringing all night. We talked more about you than anything else."
"I thought this dinner was for all of you to get to know one another."
"Oh, we did plenty of that, too, but you were the main focus. I think Michael is still having a hard time believing that you're his son."
"Yeah, that makes two of us. I really need to talk to him and John."
"I told him you were working the early shift tomorrow, so he suggested you go over there for dinner afterward."
Michael and John ended up taking me out to dinner to an Italian restaurant in Seaside Park near their house. Michael had already told me about the day Mom found out about him and he didn't want to talk any more about that, so we pretty much talked about my childhood and his life with John. After we got back to the house, we talked more in the living room. Both John and Michael were interested in my college plans. They seemed to be trying to act like parents, but I still thought of them as the sexy gay couple I'd met on the boardwalk. Now and then I'd catch myself spacing out and just staring at Michael. I caught him staring at me with a far-away kind of look on his face a few times, too. This was all going to take a lot of getting used to on both our parts.
Toward the end of the evening, Michael got out his wallet and searched through it a few seconds, then pulled out a small picture that was worn around the edges. He handed it to me. I recognized the baby in the picture as me from other pictures Mom had.
"It's the only picture I had of you, Bryan. I've looked at it thousands of times over the years, wondering where you were, how you were. I thought I'd never see you again." Tears were streaming down his cheeks. "I loved you so much. I am so sorry I was never there for you. Can you ever forgive me?"
"There were times when I was growing up when I wondered how a father could just walk away from his child and never look back. I'll admit I took it pretty personally a lot of the time. Mom always referring to you as a jerk helped. It helped me blame you instead of myself."
"It was my fault, Bryan, never yours. You were just a baby. Why would you blame yourself?"
"Like I said, kids take things personally. We think everything is about us. Now I can see it really didn't have anything to do with me. I suppose it helps that I heard your story before I knew who you were. I sympathized with your situation before I knew it involved me so I guess I forgave you, if that's what you want to call it, almost immediately. We all got a raw deal. It just happened that way and there's nothing we can do about it now. It's in the past. Let's just go from here."
"It looks like Chrissie has raised a pretty amazing kid, Michael."
Michael took me in his arms and hugged me. "Yeah, John, she sure has."
The guys gave me a ride home and dropped me off on the corner a little after eleven thirty. I waved as they drove off and turned to go into my street. Just then, the door to the lifeguards' house flew open and Luke came out and took off up the street toward the beach, practically running. I glanced at my house. The lights were off which meant that Mom and Walter had gone to bed. They weren't expecting me at any particular time, so I decided to go after Luke.
I hurried up the street to the dunes. Once I got to the beach I stopped and looked around. There was a half moon out over the water that provided just a little light. I walked toward the water, hoping Luke hadn't gone far. I saw a dark shadow and headed toward it. It was Luke, standing there, looking out to sea.
"Hey."
He jumped and turned toward me. When he recognized me he rushed to me and threw his arms around me, squeezing me tight. I felt wet on the side of my face. I pulled back and looked at him and saw that he was crying. I put my hands on either side of his face but he flinched and pulled away.
"Are you all right, Luke?"
"I don't know. I had a fight with Adam."
"What happened?"
"Well, when he and your Mom walked in on us last week, he figured out that I was gay, what with the kissing and all. I kept denying it for a while but finally I just didn't care. I told him I was gay and I liked you. He didn't get mad or anything, but he excluded me from our little group from that point on. I'd been sharing a room with him and he made me sleep on the couch after that. It was a really unpleasant atmosphere so I've stayed away from the house as much as possible."
"So what started the fight?"
"He had a date that didn't go well tonight. He'd been drinking quite a bit and was pissed and horny when he got home, so he decided that I should take care of him. To be honest I was surprised he waited this long."
"And you refused?"
"Not exactly, Bryan. You've got to understand that he was been my best friend for years and I always thought he was so hot but couldn't let on. Under other circumstances, I would have loved to have had sex with him. Even as things were, I couldn't resist. I'd dreamed about his dick for so long so I decided to give him his blow job. I'd sucked a few guys in high school and college, but no one as big as him. Apparently, he didn't think I was very good at it so after a few minutes he told me to just slobber all over it to get it good and slick so he could fuck me."
"Just like that? No lube? No condom?"
"He was drunk. I don't know if he would have gone through with it, but I panicked. I bit him."
"You bit his cock?"
"Yeah, it was in my mouth and I freaked out at the idea of him fucking me. I bit down real hard. He screamed and slammed his fist against the side of my head. I let go and fell over on the floor. He ran into the bedroom and I got up and ran out as fast as I could. I really didn't mean to bite him. It's just, all I could think about was that big dick ripping up my ass, fucking me the way I'd seen him fuck you." Luke looked down and his voice got quieter. "I've done stuff with a few guys, but I've never been fucked. I was scared."
"So now what are you going to do?"
"I don't know. I can't go back there and I've got no where else to go."
I thought about John and Michael. They had plenty of room at their place. Unfortunately, their place was over three miles away and it was after midnight.
"Come home with me. I've got an extra bed in my room."
"And have your mother walk in on us again? Are you nuts?"
"We're not gonna fuck tonight, Luke, just sleep. If we're real quiet and you stay in the room until after she leaves for work in the morning, she'll never know. Maybe we can figure out something more permanent tomorrow, but tonight you need a place to sleep."
We snuck into the house as quietly as we could and went right to my room. There was a second twin bed in my room, but I didn't want to use it. I thought that Luke might feel better if he wasn't alone and I knew that I would. We undressed but left our boxers on and got into my bed. We kissed for a while until we were both so hard I thought we'd explode. I knew there was no way we could do anything in complete silence and I wasn't sure Luke was up to it anyway, so we reluctantly pulled apart. Luke turned around and we lay on our sides with me behind Luke and I put my arms around him.
The next thing I knew the room was bright with sunlight, we were still in the same position and I had to pee worse than I could ever remember. I eased out of the bed. Luke moaned, turned over and opened his eyes. I leaned over him and whispered in his ear.
"Just lie there and be quiet. I'll be right back."
He nodded and I slipped out the door, closing it behind me. I could hear Mom in the kitchen as I headed into the bathroom. When I came back out, Mom was standing a few feet from the door with her arms folded across her chest.
"What is HE doing in your room?"
"You went into my room?"
"I knocked on the door earlier to see if you wanted to get up for breakfast. When you didn't answer, I stuck my head in. You were both sleeping. I told you I don't want you seeing him. I certainly don't want you spending the night with him, not in my house or anywhere else."
"He didn't have anywhere to go, Mom. He had a fight with Adam."
"That isn't my problem or yours either. He's not exactly your friend, you know."
"He's a good guy, Mom. Can't you try to get to know him, to give him a chance?"
"What do you really know about him, Bry? That he was the nicest of the guys who were sexually assaulting you? That's not much of a recommendation." She must have seen the pleading in my eyes. "Okay, Walter has a dinner meeting with his lawyer after work so he won't be home until late. Invite your 'friend' to supper and I'll give him a chance."
"Thanks, Mom. You're the best."
I kissed her on the cheek and went back into the bedroom. Luke was sound asleep again so I carefully crawled back into bed behind him and fell asleep. I awoke to Luke gently shaking my shoulder.
"I've really got to use the bathroom. Can you check to see if the coast is clear?"
"Go ahead. Mom's probably gone to work by now but it doesn't matter. She knows you're here."
"She knows? It's okay?"
"No, it's not okay but maybe it will be."
Over breakfast I passed along Mom's invitation to supper. Afterward, we took separate showers. Mom wouldn't know the difference but I would. While Luke was in the shower, I noticed the lifeguards pass by on their way to the beach. Luke went next door and changed into his swim trunks, then brought over a change of clothes for later. He also brought some bathroom stuff just in case Mom let him stay over again.
To be continued...