Disclaimer: Hey, you know the drill by now. My story, no stealing, it's a series of TRUE events, with peoples names and appearances changed! If this kind of thing offends you, clear off! (although not sure why you would have gotten this far if lesbianism offends you). Right, behold, part 5! Feedback; Jodiesline@hotmail.co.uk! You know you want to!!
I flopped down onto the bed, feeling heavy and empty. My face felt dry and stiff from the tears that had spoiled it just minutes ago. Sighing, I looked bleakly around. Leanne's bedroom. But for how much longer? Could it be, that this was the last time I should ever sit here, and gaze around her messy, unorganized room? How could my life take such an awful turn of events after having previously been so wonderful? I suppose it is true what they say; all good things come to an end. But I didn't want it to come to an end! Feeling myself becoming worked up, I dug my fingers deep into my eyes, pushing until I began to see endless shapes and colours. It hurt, but I found comfort in the pain. I inhaled deeply, taking in the luscious scent of perfume, deoderant; the way a girls room was supposed to smell. I felt the tears rising again, and stood up aggressively, striking the bed with my fist. My despair had been replaced with a hot anger, anger at Leanne's parents for taking her away, anger at myself for not being able to accept this, anger at Leanne for not resisting harder against the wishes of her parents. I just didn't know what to do with myself, I didn't know what to feel, or what I should say to Leanne. Should I let her know that I was unwilling to let her go, tell her that I would do everything within my power to prevent us from being torn apart? Or, alternatively, should I try to make it easier on her and tell her that no matter where she was in the world, I would always love and support her, and despite missing her, wished her all the best in her new life, even if it excluded me? The latter would be the noble, selfless thing to do. But I wasn't sure what Leanne wanted to hear. I knew she was devastated about leaving, but if she had already mentally prepared herself for leaving, she wouldn't want me making it harder for her to go. My train of thought crashed as I heard Leanne thudding up the stairs. Within seconds, she was framed in the doorway, looking as composed and elegant as always. She had a glow emitting from her, that seemed to warm my soul, to comfort me without her having to even say a word.
We regarded each other thoughtfully. Standing but just metres apart, both of us were unable to move towards each other, because this small distance represented the distance that would soon be wedged in between us when she left. This was how it was going to be; in reality, just a small distance apart, but still too far to be able to touch each other. But what was to stop me visiting her? What was to stop me taking small steps towards her, even just to be with her for a short while? With this in mind, I took a step across the room towards her. Following my lead, she rushed forwards, encasing me in her body, her arms pulling me tighter towards her. I rested my chin on her shoulder, my tears dripping down onto her bare skin. I planted kisses on her shoulder, tasting the salt of my tears on her. I heard muffled sobs from Leanne as she nuzzled into my neck, clutching desperately at me, her hands running over my face, my back, as though trying to imprint in her mind, the way I felt to her hands.
"This doesn't have to be the end," she whispered, softly. Her gentle voice sent chills through my body, causing a sudden rush of emotion. "We can make it through this! I could visit, you could come home to me over the school holidays, and we could write, and call each other, and you'd be fine. You would fit right in there, grow to like it, and that's all I want for you, to be happy. You could be happy, I hope you are," I garbled, fighting back the lump in my throat. I had to remain strong, this was harder for her than for me. She was the one who had to leave everything behind. Her home, her friends, her family. And I was being selfish by simply thinking about how I wouldn't survive without her. She needed me to guide her, to be her rock, to tell her it was going to be all right when she was in doubt. And that is what I was going to do, teach her not to be afraid, open her up to the endless possibilities of her new life. Her happiness was all that mattered, and I was prepared to sacrifice my own for that.
"Do you know, I thought you were going to be angry with me. I thought we would just break up there and then, I didn't realize you would be so amazing to me. You give me so much confidence, and hope," Leanne whimpered.
"I'm not angry. I know it isn't your fault. And I KNOW we will come out of this together. It doesn't have to be forever. We'll be 18 soon; adults. We will be able to drive, pay for our own journeys to see each other. It's perfectly possible that this is just a minor snag in our relationship. But we're stronger than that!" I gushed. Suddenly, a beam of hope had been shed into the darkness of my mind, like a torch through the black of night. Everything I was saying, to reassure Leanne, was true. Feeling elated, I half laughed, half sobbed. Leanne giggled into my ear.
"Of course. I don't know how I ever doubted you! You are so much more than just my girlfriend. You're my everything! I want you to understand that!" Those simple words that were coming off her lips, they meant so much. I truly heard what she was saying to me. Of course, I felt exactly the same. And I wanted to tell her so. The words were on the tip of my tongue, I wanted to tell her that she would be with me no matter where she was. She was my happiness, and I could portray her through my smile, through my actions, whenever I smiled, I would know it was her, giving me the strength. But I just couldn't speak, and the words died on my lips. Instead, I could only pull back from her and fall deep into her chocolate eyes. I could see a thick shadow of sadness, clouding her eyes, but underneath that, there was definitely hope. She wasn't giving up on this, on me. Suddenly, she smiled, and it warmed me like sunshine. Of course no one could ruin this. It was much too special to be taken away by the trivial problem of distance. It was ridiculous to think that for a second! Instead of being sad, I should be making the most of what time I had left. Making her smile like she just had, making her final moments here, memorable, honorable. Moping around like this was just creasing the memories. She had to look back and smile that we had such a wonderful time, not look back and remember the darkness we both felt!
Releasing Leanne, I took a step back.
"When you're away, there's a few things we won't be able to do for a quite a while. I'm thinking we should get as much of this as we can, to last us," I said seriously, suppressing a smile. "Is that so, Miss Owen? And what exactly did you have in mind?" She questioned, curiously.
I leant into her and kissed her lightly on the lips, a slow, tantalizing kiss, barely pressing my lips against her own. Simultaneously, we gasped. "Oh. I see," giggled Leanne. She ran her smooth fingertips down my forearm. Simple, innocent movements, that got my blood pumping and my mind racing. Feeling heavy with desire, I helplessly allowed her to lead me through to the bathroom. Standing by the door, I watched with ascending interest as she switched on the shower. Turning to face me, she caught my stare and casually started to undress. I could feel the condensation from the hot water coming to rest on my face, making me feel unnecessarily hot and sweaty. I watched my love slipping her pyjama top over her head. I could only watch in awe as, eventually, she stood exposed in front of me.
Her eyes locked on mine, she took a careful step backwards into the shower. I stared, hungrily, as the torrents of hot water slid effortlessly over her smooth body. She raised her arms above her head, tousling her hair and letting the stream run over her face, washing away the tears and gloom from earlier. She looked so refreshed, so alive. Consequently, I was feeling alive, also. I stepped easily out of my clothes, and advanced towards the shower. The sound of the running water mesmerized me as my eyes drank in the glory of Leanne's body. She looked so delicious and I just wanted to devour her. As I reached for her, she stepped back, slyly.
"Let me touch you?" I pleaded, perplexed. "Au contraire, mon amie," she said, cunningly. I frowned, wondering how long she intended to keep up this torture. "Just watch," she breathed, kissing my earlobe and tracing her fingertips around my belly button.
Breathing heavily, I looked on as Leanne started to soap up her body, her hands gliding over her skin. She would hesitate momentarily over her breasts, her fingers swirling around her nipples. She had her eyes closed, and I stared gormlessly as she took a sponge to her lathered body. Sub-consciously, my own nimble hands worked their way down to my pleasure centre. Leanne stepped back under the clear water and let the soap bubbles fall away from her body. I watched the curtain of water dripping off her body and suddenly she opened her eyes and, biting her lip, she stared right at me. I couldn't hold back anymore. I took a quick step forward and pushed her body back against the cool, wet tiles. Her back arched from the cold of the tiles and she groaned erotically as our mouths met in passion. I touched her silky body lightly, sinking my fingertips into her curves. Our wet, slippy bodies writhed against each other as I tasted Leanne's mouth. The smell of her soap, mixed with the now prominent smell of her arousal, was intoxicating. I was feeling the usual sense of unsteadiness I felt when locked in an embrace with Leanne. I opened my eyes slightly, to see Leanne's face delicately scrunched up with a look of pure lust upon it. Her hands were back against the tiles as I pushed into her. I didn't just want this to be a lustful fuck, I wanted it to be something I would remember. Something I could keep alive through the lonely times ahead. I rubbed my hand over her stomach, and leaned down to kiss Leanne's collarbone, trying to savour the taste of her clean, milky skin and the feel of her soft body. Leanne rested her head back against the tiles, her jaw slack and open as she frowned in concentration. I sucked on her neck, receiving grateful moans from my lover, and cupped her perfect breast in my hand. Her hard nipple pressed into the palm of my hand and I took the delight of sucking her nipple into my mouth. I took my time, caressing it with my tongue as my hands skimmed all over body, momentarily tracing her thighs, before cupping her other breast again. Leanne opened her legs, invitingly, and I trailed my fingers along her inner thigh, making her wait more.
Leanne was making soft, deep groans of gratification, her eyes tight shut with anticipation. She looked so sexy, but I couldn't let myself go yet, I wanted to tease her further. My own clit was pulsing and I was wondering how much the both of us could take. I had been tickling Leanne's thigh, and decided it was time to give her a bit of relief. I pushed lightly against her labia, not letting my finger slip inside. I continued this rhythm for a bit longer, pushing towards her hole but pulling back right before my fingers entered her. I earned numerous moans of passion from Leanne as she repeatedly ran her fingers through her hair. Her pussy was starting to respond to my teasing, and it was becoming harder to prevent my fingers sliding the whole way in, the wetter she got. Finally, my want to taste her was too strong, and I knelt down in front of her, looking up at her.
"Do you want it now?" I asked, pleased that the tables had turned and it was now myself who was torturing her. "Yes," she said, breathlessly, her eyes still tight shut.
I tickled the outer edge of her pussy with the tip of my tongue, acting as though I planned to thrust my tongue inside, but by no means did I have any intention of doing that just yet. I wanted to make her squirm more. Leanne was starting to drip, down onto my tongue and into my mouth. I smiled, preserving the taste in my mouth. I rolled my tongue over he clitoris, causing it to grow larger and harder, and gently, I placed my mouth over it, my chin pushing into her soaked pussy. After that, Leanne didn't last much longer at all. Right before she started to convulse, I thrust a couple of fingers inside her and rubbed furiously on her g-spot, bringing her to a raging orgasm. Her walls clamped down hard on my fingers and her screams echoed around the small shower. With both of us breathing hard, I stood back up and hugged her under now cool water. We stood like that for a while, leaning into each other, Leanne gently sucking on my neck, until we heard a car pull into the drive. We leapt out of the shower and sprinted to her bedroom, our clothes on back to front.
"Leanne?" a womanly voice called up the stairs. "Are you girls up there?" It was Allison, her Mum. "Yeah? What is it, Mum?" Leanne replied, innocently, trying to ignore the fact that I was cupping her crotch from behind.
"I need to take Jodie home, now! I have stuff to do later!" she replied, matter-of-factly. "All right," Leanne said, coldly. Now, she turned to me. Her hair was dripping wet, hanging around her shoulders, and the t-shirt she had quickly pulled on now had damp patches all over it. She still looked adorable.
"Will I see you before you go?" I asked, hopefully, wrapping my arms around her waist. I felt dread in the pit of my stomach. "I, I don't know, Jodes. I'm supposed to be starting at my new school at the end of the holidays. I will try to come and say goodbye, first. No, no I promise I will," she said, solemnly. I stared at her beautiful face.
"I love you, so much," I sighed, hugging her close. "Leanne!! NOW!" Her Mum yelled. Tears began to fall freely from her eyes, splattering her still flushed cheeks. Watching her cry broke my heart.
"I love you too," she sobbed, her voice not lacking in emotion. We embraced, tightly, both of us inhaling wildly to remember the way the other girl smelled. I touched her clear face, running my thumbs across her jawline, and kissed her lovingly on the lips. I could taste her tears where they had died on her lips.
"Come on, this isn't the last time I'll see you. I'll be over at yours to say goodbye very soon," she sniffed, reassuring me. It was taking all my effort to repress my sobs as we went downstairs, Leanne clasping my hand. Allison appeared, her dark red hair curled perfectly and held away from her face with a hair clip.
"Hello, Jodie love, are you ready?" Allison asked, casting a questioning eye over our clasped hands and tear stained faces. "Yep," I said, as cheerfully as I could. Leanne winced visibly and we piled into the car. The whole journey home was in silence, all three of our troubled minds working over-time. Leanne and I desperately clinging to hope that this wasn't the end, devising plans to see each in our heads and trying to think of the right words to say to each other to portray our true feelings. Allison, however, was clearly daunted by the fact of having a gay daughter. We figured she must have guessed, but now she had witnessed our small gestures of affection, it had hit home. It didn't appear to be a problem, she just looked as though she would need some time mull it over. And anyway, it didn't matter either way, because she was taking Leanne away from me. And for that, I hated her.
The next morning, I awoke in my own bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. I'd hoped that it would be the previous day, and I would have awoken in Leanne's bed, dreadfully hungover, and the whole thing would be some horrible nightmare. But it wasn't. Sleepily, I rolled out of bed and padded over to my full length mirror, giving myself the once-over. My blonde hair was untidy and hung limply around my pale face. I hadn't gotten much sleep last night. I moved closer, examining the dark circles underneath my eyes, and noticed, fondly, the red marks that Leanne had left on my neck. I was going to have to wear a scarf for a few days! I tugged off my oversized t-shirt off, and wandered over to the bathroom in my pyjama shorts. Looking out of the window, I noticed that it was cloudy and raining, the large raindrops hitting the ground and splashing into surrounding puddles. Good. It matched my shadowy mood. I sighed, and rubbed my eyes, irritated. Leaning back against the bathroom door, I looked over at the shelf. A purple toothbrush lay there. I felt an uncomfortable twinge in my stomach; Leanne's toothbrush. Angrily, I threw my head back against the door, crying out in pain and frustration.
"Jodie, love? Are you okay in there?" My Mum. Trust my Mum. Always knows when something is wrong. Even if I hadn't made a sound I was certain she would have asked me anyway. This was because I normally put a CD on when I woke up, turning the volume up until it blasted out of the speakers. This morning, though, I hadn't felt like it. I wasn't about to tell my Mum what was wrong, but I was grateful for her concern all the same.
"Yeah, Mum, I'm fine. I'll be out in a bit," I said, weakly. My attempts to sound confident diminished like water in cupped hands. Mum didn't reply instantly. I could almost hear her brain working on the other side of the door. Trying to think of the "motherly" thing to say. She would normally launch into her speech about how a girls mother was her best friend, and that I should never hesitate to share my burdens. But this time, I think she could sense that this wasn't appropriate.
"Okay. I'll make you some breakfast for when you come down," she replied. I tried to say thankyou, but I was afraid that if I opened my mouth I would burst into incontrollable, endless sobs. So alternatively, I just squeaked. I stood stationary against the door until I heard my Mum descend the stairs, and only then did my shoulders slump, and I collapsed into a crying heap on the floor. I felt totally alone, and lost. I couldn't remember ever having felt this broken before. But I absolutely had to get through this, for Leanne, it's imperative. With this in my mind, I clawed my way back to my feet and climbed, sluggishly, into the shower.
I continued in this manner for the next few days, and starting back at school was the worst. Last summer, I'd known that Leanne and I were just beginning, and I was curious to the possibilities it offered. Now, I knew that Leanne and I were on the verge of finishing, and so much sooner than I had expected. I hadn't smiled for days, and my friends were beginning to avoid me. I knew I needed to lighten up, but I just couldn't drag myself out of this abyss of despair. The only person I confided in, was Rachel. She knew what I was going through and didn't try to get me to talk about it, as my other friends persisted in doing. Rachel just kept whispering that she was there for me, and that things would certainly improve. I had refrained from contacting Leanne, because I didn't want to make it any tougher for either of us. We had to become accustomed to not speaking to each other over periods of time, as that would be inevitable. There was no harm in sending a text, however, except that I simply couldn't find the words to say to her on just a page of text. Finally, after what seemed like weeks, but in actual fact had only been five days, my phone rang. I didn't move quickly to answer it, as I expected it to be one of my interfering friends, who would try to trick me into telling them what was wrong. I was aware that this wasn't fair on them, that they were only trying to help, but I was feeling self absorbed and angry at everyone. To my surprise, however, the name on the screen read, "Leanne calling." In my desperation to answer the phone, I fumbled with the buttons and accidentally dropped it on the floor.
"No!" I screamed in frustration but luckily still managed to answer the phone in time. "Hello?" I said, breathlessly.
"Jodie," retorted the warm voice on the other end. It was so soothing to my shaking nerves. I could have melted into the phone there and then. "Hi, baby," I whispered hoarsely.
"Jodie, I'm leaving in two days. Tomorrow, can I come and say goodbye? Please," Leanne said, monotonously. She sounded hollow and sad. "Two...two days? That's so soon," I said, stunned. "Of course you can come and say goodbye, Leanne." In truth, I was numb with shock. This had just became very, very real. It wasn't just something I was dreading anymore, it was something that was practically upon me. Tomorrow could be the last time I saw her for months. I was so afraid.
"I'm not going to make this any harder, Jodes, I know we can't express ourselves over the telephone, so I'm going to go now. And tomorrow, i'll be able to hold you while I say goodbye, instead of being connected by stupid telephone wires." she spat, angry at herself. I understood, perfectly. Speaking over the phone was much too painful.
"Understandable. That's fine. I can't wait to see you, Leanne," I choked out, swallowing my urge to release everything I wanted to say that had been building up. I had to wait until tomorrow, when I could look into her eyes and say it.
"Bye, Jodie," she sighed, and then there was a click. She was gone. I wasn't upset that she had been so short with me. I knew the reason, I knew she didn't want to upset herself now aswell as tomorrow. It was altogether easier on the soul to just have a heart to heart then, not on the phone. It just wasn't necessary. I switched off my bedroom light, stumbled over to my bed in the dark, and landed face down on my mattress. I was anxious beyond belief, so much so that I felt I could throw up. I just wanted to get to sleep and have tomorrow come around as soon as possible.
The next day, school was a blur. I spent the day fighting back my desire to throw up from worry. And finally, when the bell rang for last lesson, I ran the whole way home to prepare myself for what was to come. Leanne said she would be over at around 4pm, the time was now 3:30. I sat infront the bathroom mirror, studying my terrified reflection. I wished I didn't have to go through this. With clammy hands, I leaned forward and splashed my face with freezing cold water. I had to at least look good for her, I realised. Grabbing my make-up, I applied the necessary and brushed my hair back, hoping I would look somewhat acceptable. I really didn't know what we were going to do. There were ten different ways to enjoy our time together. Ten different ways to say goodbye... Finally, I heard the doorbell ring.
"I'LL GET IT!!" I bellowed, thundering down the stairs. Feeling unsteady, I took a moment to stable myself infront of the door. I breathed hard, checked my reflection, and whipped open the door, my attempted smile crumbling as I saw her there. She was wearing a simple pair of fitting jeans, converse, and a white blouse that was ubuttonned over a dark green vest. She half heartedly smiled, and stepped inside. I wasted no time in picking her up and twirling her around.
"You look beautiful, as always," I praised, nuzzled her neck. "What's the plan then, are you staying for the rest of the day?" "Until tonight, my Mum is shopping around town with a friend, she's buying stuff for the...new house," Leanne said, quietly. Sucking up my selfishness, I decided I should make this as painless as possible for her.
"Is the house nice then?" I quizzed, taking her small hand and taking her up to my bedroom, so we could speak properly. "Uhh, it's okay, I guess. I prefer my house, of course," She said, awkwardly. Glancing at her feet. The tension between us was suddenly unbearable. It lay heavily between us, like a smog, of everything we needed to say to one another. She started to silently cry, tears that were afraid of the facts.
"Hey, come on, don't cry. There's nothing to cry over. We are going to make it, we are," I assured her. I had let any doubts in my mind flutter away, intent on believing what I was saying. She nodded, slowly, and sat down on my bed. There was a few moments of silence, in which my mind searched hastily for something appropriate to say.
"What do you want to do then, baby?" I cooed, quietly. "I brought a film we can watch. You'd want to watch it!" she said, suddenly mischievous.
I feigned thinking, but I knew exactly what film she'd have brought with her on this occasion. It was both of our favourite film, for self-explanatory reasons. We had watched it together the first time Leanne had ever stayed here, and both taken an immediate liking to it.
"Hmm," I exclaimed, rubbing my chin, "I have this sneaking suspicion that it could be, 'Bring It On'!" "Got it in one! Come on, stick it on," Leanne said happily, thrusting the film case at me.
The mood between us had suddenly lifted, like sunshine through clouds. Feeling a hell of alot better, I put the film on and threw myself onto the bed next to Leanne. She folded into me, resting her head in between my neck and my shoulder. I wrapped my arms tight around her, and entwined my legs with hers and she sighed, quietly. We spoke throughout most of the film, saying which cheerleader we thought was hot, and how we were glad we weren't Americans 'cause we'd never be seen dead in those cheerleading outfits! But as well as our playful chatter, we spoke a little about some of the times we'd had together; the first time we ever kissed at camp, the way I'd been too infatuated with Adrienne to see the wonders right infront of me all along. Both of us re-created the summer afternoons we'd spent, lying on our backs on the grass at the park, laughing at the most ridiculous things, or even crying over stupid fights we'd had with family members and friends. We thought about the nights we spent sitting up late, getting to know each other, asking each questions from our favourite flower to our most intimate secret. And neither of us had hesitated, or held back, cause we'd both felt that unspoken bond of trust joining us. As we reminiscied, I started to become a little sad; and Leanne could tell from the tone of my voice. She turned my face around to look at me, and I thought of all the memories that I'd seen reflected in her eyes.
"That's just the past, all this time, we've been talking about what has been, but what about what's still to come? All the things we're going to get to do in the future; stay with each other for days at a time, I could show you around France, tell you about my new friends, my new school, you could meet the people I knew, and I'd tell them you were my girlfriend, and I'd show you off to the world," she announced, seriously.
What she'd said had stunned me. She would tell everyone I was her girlfriend? She would bite back her fears, and tell everyone? I was touched by the suggestion, and I was grinning happily at her as I surveyed her face.
"You're right! This isn't the the beginning of the end; this is just the end of the beginning! There's still so much more to come; so much more to explore...as a couple, together." I was feeling elated at my revelation.
"Exactly. Don't be afraid!" she told me. I stroked her face, and pulled her lips to mine. The familiar touch of her lips made me feel warm, and safe. When I felt her like this, I knew that nothing could come between that. And yet, I still couldn't laugh, or fully enjoy my time with her, because in the pit of my stomach, I felt bad that she wasn't going to be here much longer. My knowledge of the move had tainted our last moments together, and I found myself wishing that perhaps she hadn't told me until today.
The two of us moped around for the rest of the day, staying close to one another, neither of us had the energy to do anything else. We just organised plans for keeping in touch; we would write each other once a week, unless we were too busy, but we had both agreed that once a week was not much to ask at all. We were going to phone each other when things got really hard, but not make a habit out of it; because of the cost of the phonecalls, and the fact that hearing each others voices would only make it tougher. I took numerous photos of her; her eyes, her smile. But mostly, I wanted to remember her eyes; the colour of deep, brown, swirling chocolate, and the infinite warmth they carried in them. I had only ever once seen her eyes lacking in this comfort, and that was the day she had stumbled upon the scene with Hannah and I. I never wanted to see that cold look again. Leanne also sprayed one of my soft toys with her perfume, and told me to hold it when I needed her. I agreed sincerely. All too soon, the time for Leanne to leave was suddenly upon me. I remember hearing the sound of her Mum's car outside, and feeling so frightened. I felt like a small, lost child. I could feel the panic rising in me as Leanne and I exchanged crippled glances. My hands started to shake, and I began to feel light-headed. But it wasn't the usual effect Leanne had on me, it was a much more sinister darkness that was threatening to pull me off my feet. I struggled to stay conscious, because I absolutely had to see her go. Leanne was standing infront of me, her hands gripping my arms to support my weight.
"Baby, please, look at me, please, Jodie!" Leanne looked terrified, and drew my face up to hers. She kissed me hard on the lips, desperately, hopelessly. The kiss was not a product of love, but one of fear and desolation. The kiss jerked me out of my daze, and I threw my arms around Leanne. I hugged her so tight that my ribs started to ache, and as much as I tried to refrain them, the tears began to escape once more. As her Mum grew more agitated at the door, Leanne and I grew more petrified of what was happening. I knew I had to let go, my arms were starting to burn with the effort of holding her so tight. Reluctantly, I released her, and stepped back to look into her eyes. Remember, I told myself. I notified her smell and her touch and I locked them away at the back of my head, to be recalled whenever I wanted.
"This isn't over for us," Leanne spoke softly. Her eyes were glistening, her lip trembling. All I could do was nod speechlessly, as I reached out one last time to kiss her lips. I frowned in concentration as I imprinted this, too, in my mind.
"I love you. You know that, don't you??" I said, urgently.
"Of course. I will always know that. And, Jodie, I love you. So much, I would die for you," she whispered, soberly. She began to step away from me, swinging her bag carelessly over her shoulder, fumbling for the door handle. When she finally opened the door, she turned around one last time. She didn't speak, her eyes carried her message to me perfectly. I waved, pathetically, and forced a smile. And then, in a moment, she was gone. The front door separated us with a gentle click, and that was it. I couldn't even cry. I felt the shadows of darkness once more approaching me, and then there was nothing.
When I came round, I was lying on the cold tiles on the kitchen floor with a pillow underneath my legs. My Mum was dithering around the kitchen, moving pots and pans, and carefully avoiding me on the floor. I groaned as the pain in my head struck me.
"Jodie? Can you hear me? You passed out. I thought it best not to move you," My Mum murmured, making sympathetic clucking noises at me.
"I'm fine, now," I muttered, distractedly. I found my bearing as hoisted myself off the ground, leaning my sore head against the cool wall. My stomach felt sick and nervous and I was extremely anxious, but I couldn't pinpoint why.
"Did Leanne go?" Mother asked, innocently. Crap. My stomach lurched. Everything came flooding back in a myriad of images and I dashed to the toilet, throwing up. Now, I remembered. I knelt there, panting, wondering what the fuck I was going to do with myself now.
"Jodie? Are you ill?"
"No, Mum, I'm fine. You know I get sick after I pass out, I guess I just haven't eaten enough, okay," I snapped, defensively. Mum pottered away, looking bothered and concerned, as usual. Of course, she had no idea why I was so devastated. She knew that Leanne was leaving, but she still had not been made aware of our status. Therefore, inevitably, she couldn't begin to understand my heartbreak. I dragged myself upstairs that day, and crawled into bed. I stayed there for almost two whole days, suffocating in my pit of misery, surrounded by mountains of tissues, before my Mum finally put a stop to it. She ripped away my bed covers, chucked a cup of cold water at me and told me to get out of the house and do something. Being a Mother, she was as understanding as she could be, because she could tell that something was not right. But, she didn't press the matter, which I was grateful for. I probably could have quite easily broken down into hysterical sobbing and recited the whole episode of what happened to her, but for that to happen, she would have to ask. For now, I was sitting unsteadily on my sorrow, just managing to keep it all together. It would only take a mother's concern to drag all that down, though.
By now, the weekend had came back around, and I decided to take my Mum's advice, and get the hell out of there. I called up some friends, you know, the ones that had been forgotten about all this time I'd been too occupied with Leanne. Now, they were surprised to hear from me, but pleased all the same. We organised to go into town, to a club we knew we would get into. We had only done this a few times before, but Kelly knew the guys that worked on the door on a Saturday night, so it wasn't going to be a problem. While I was getting ready, I made a mental note not to think of Leanne, to enjoy myself and have a good time. Why did my life have to stop just because Leanne had moved? I put on one of my heaviest rock CD's and danced around my room, selecting various items of clothing out of my wardrobe. I didn't want to dress like a slut, but I wanted to show off my assets a bit. Prove to myself that it was Leanne missing out. I don't know why, but I felt resentful at her now. I almost felt like the only reason I was going out, was to spite her, and although she had no idea of what I was doing, it made me feel kind of smug. About 30 minutes before I went out, I started to feel anxious. This was the first time I'd been out with these girls in a long time, when I'd met Leanne, I'd stopped seeing them. And now, I wasn't sure what to expect, or what would come of this. On top of that, I rarely went out without Leanne, anyway. I'd become accustomed to it just being the two of us, with maybe one of her friends down her end, or one of mine up here. But no Leanne this time, I was walking on my own two feet, and I felt like a child walking for the first time without her parents clinging to her shoulders. This both frightened and exhilerated me, and the only way, I felt, to calm this bubbling feeling in my stomach, was to drink. I grabbed the vodka off the top of the cupboard where my parents kept it, and swigged straight from the bottle. I shuddered and took another drink, until I started to feel at ease. The I replaced the bottle, grabbed my keys and stepped swiftly out of the door, clicking it shut behind me. The cool night air hit my face, and I breathed in, feeling a sense of liberation. Bringing my jacket tighter around me, I headed for Kelly's. We were going to catch the bus and meet Johnno, Amy and Finlay, then walk to "DNA." I got to Kelly's about four minutes later, and let myself through the front door. Her house smelled of tobacco, disguised by the sickly aroma of scented candles.
"KELLY!" I shouted up the stairs.
"Coming, sweetie!" Kelly replied, trampling noisily down the stairs. "Wow, it's great to see you properly again, Jodes. We're going to get totally sloshed and have a good time, okay?" I thought about this. Kelly sounded reassuring, and I was uncertain as to how she'd discovered that something was up. I wondered if Rachel had let slip that I was feeling a bit low, right now?
"Yep. I can't wait to see the others. Are you sure we'll get into this place?" I pondered.
"Yeah, it's fine, I've got it covered. I sure hope you're ready for the hangover of a lifetime, girl," she winked.
"Whatever you say, Kel!" I giggled, and we left the house, chatting and generally catching up on what we'd missed. Kelly was a great looking girl. She had pale, creamy skin, with dark brown curls that fell just below her shoulders. She had deliciously dark eyes which were framed by long, luscious eyelashes. She wore a single, silver chain and it rested elegantly on her collarbone. Admittedly, I did like her, but there was no way I could act on that. I would stay faithful to Leanne so long as she held the title, "girlfriend," and currently, she still did.
The bus journey was bumpy and noisy and I was restless, constantly adjusting myself in my seat and tapping my foot. Kelly watching me with curiosity.
"So what's going on then, Jodie?" She speculated, her voice soft. Damn. Busted. She clearly knew something was up. I guess the fact that I'd called after so long could have been enough, but I suspected Rachel saying something, somewhere along the line. I didn't for a minute think that Rachel would have specified what exactly was bothering me, but I supposed she felt they deserved some kind of explanation as I had been in a killer mood over the past few days. I fumbled around for a way to compose my answer without giving away that my lesbian girlfriend had moved to France and left me here, alone.
"Nothing really, I've just, sort of, lost a good friend of mine. It was totally unexpected. I just wanted to cheer myself up abit, I guess," I said, as convincingly as I could. It wasn't so much as a lie, I'd just modified the truth.
Kelly nodded empathetically and touched my knee.
"Well don't worry, you're gonna forget about that now, okay? I promise you'll have a good time," she said, knowingly.
By the time the bus arrived in town, it was about 10.15pm, but I knew our fun was just beginning. Amy met us straight from the bus stop, and the boys, Johnno and Finlay, came soon after. Finlay was tall with dark ginger hair. He was bounding around like an excited puppy infront of us, as we made our way through the streets to DNA. Johnno was around my height, with spikey blonde hair and a skinny body. He was quiet and mysterious and alot of the time, looked spaced out. I always assumed him to be on drugs, judging by the way he acted. Amy fit in with them, as she was slightly boyish, with short, died red hair and a tomboy dress style. She spent more time around those two than her female friends. It began when she had been seeing Johnno, and they had all hung out together, as Finlay was Johnno's best friend. But after that had ended, the three of them still stayed as close friends. We laughed our way down to the club, the streets were alive with the Saturday night vibe, and I was feeling positive. People were spilling out of bars, singing, laughing, clutching each other as they hobbled towards taxi's. We walked past a loud club that was exerting lively trance music, and I observed as two girls, around my age, were told to come back in two years, as they tried to get in. I chuckled, knowing we wouldn't have to face that embarassment.
Finally, we reached our destination; DNA. The two guys on the door were about the same height as Finlay, with bigger builds. Kelly approached them and we watched from a distance as she spoke emphatically, gesturing behind her at the group of us. The bouncer nodded, and the both of them stepped aside, looking away from us as we stepped past them. I felt a surge of excitement as I walked in, the sound of people and music growing ever louder. We trod down a corridor with red, shabby carpet. The walls were lined with posters advertising various entertainment nights. Eventually, we turned a corner and the corridor gave way to a dark room, flashing with flourescent light, that was overflowing with people who were dancing at an extremely close proximity. I remembered the first time I'd came here, I hadn't even realised that such a place as this existed around here, and now, that same old feeling was creeping back to me. Everybody was moving in time to the strong bass of the music, glasses spilling drinks in their hands, their bodies wrapped around the nearest person. Everybody looked off their face in some way, either stoned or just plain wasted. I didn't even know the remix that was playing, but already I wanted to dance. I looked around at Kelly, grabbed her wrist and barged into the crowd, pushing through the sweaty bodies to get to the bar. Kelly grabbed hold of Finlay, who in turn held Amy, who had Johnno behind her. We ordered drinks, and shouted conversation at each other above the music. I didn't mind this environment at all.
After downing two or three drinks at the bar, I dragged Kelly off to dance. I felt great at that moment, I had alcohol in my system and I was dancing right next to Kelly in a place I could barely hear myself think. I remember feeling triumphant that I didn't need Leanne to have a good time, but as soon as that thought crossed my mind, I began to feel a slithering sensation of guilt. What was I doing? It wasn't Leanne's fault that she'd moved away. She'd been sad, too, remember. And I was acting as though she'd left me purposefully. Sure, it was good that I was having a good time instead of letting my life come to a stand still, but there was no need for the way I was thinking. I took a few steps back from Kelly, cautiously, and all the resentment I'd felt for Leanne suddenly fell away, and was replaced with a growing sadness. Of course I still missed her. But she would have WANTED me to have a good time. At that, I cheered up. Grinning to myself, I continued to dance around, until I noticed Johnno loping up to us, flanked by Finlay and Amy.
"You guys want some shit?" Johnno boomed into my ear.
I frowned for a moment, confused. Kelly was nodding vigourously, and looked at me for an answer. I looked at Johnno, puzzled, and he gestured subtely to his right hand. In it, he held a transparent packet of white powder. It was unmistakable what it contained. I felt the bottom of my stomach drop out and I kicked myself, mentally. Of COURSE that's what they'd wanted to do. They were teenagers in an environment where everybody was doing this, where it was easy. That's what Kelly had meant when she'd said she promised I'd have a good time. I looked around, indecisively. Should I? i mean, it wasn't like I was going to turn into a cokehead, was it? Just the once, just for a good time, wouldn't do any harm. And it would help to take my mind off Leanne. Also, I was surrounded by my friends, whom I trusted, so, nervously, I agreed. the rest of the group nodded in affirmation, and we made our way over to the toilets. Johnno produced another packet and slipped it to Kelly.
"Come on, follow me," Kelly said, walking into the ladies toilets. Johnno and Finlay disappeared into the mens, and to my surprise Amy went in with the guys. There were so many people dancing around the toilets, anyway, that it wouldn't have looked at all obvious what Johnno had just given us. I followed Kelly into the toilets, feeling tense. She was waiting for me, by one of the cubicles.
"Kel, I didn't know you were into this," I muttered, uncertainly.
"I'm not "into this," i've only done it twice before. It's okay, Jodes. We'll all look after each other. Ease up, really. As long as you stay in the club and then go straight home, you'll be fine, I swear,"Kelly assured me.
She had a way of making me believe her, whatever she said. I nodded, hesitantly. Kelly squeezed my shoulder, and we pushed into the small cubicle. I watched with interest, as Kelly lay the white powder out along the top of the toilet. A strengthened sense of foreboding was telling me to leave, as was my common sense, but my stubbornness kept my feet firmly where I was standing. My hands felt clammy and cold as I leant back against the wall, trying to control my breathing. I felt so nervous, I needed to pee. The smell of the toilets was suffocating, and I felt extremely hot. All I could hear was the bass line, coming from inside the club, and the sound of people coming in and leaving the toilets. I prayed they wouldn't find us here. Kelly bent, and I heard her sniff. Then she straightened up, rubbing her nose. She motioned at the remains of the powder, and I took a deep breath, steeling myself. It's okay, I told myself. Just the once, never again. I wasn't ready, but I did it anyway. It reminded me of when I was smaller, and I'd once snorted sherbert, as a dare. But, this time, it was much more serious. Before I could mull over it anymore, I snorted the powder. It felt unlike anything, leaving my nose feeling numb when I straightened up. I stared at Kelly, knowing that the effects were about to kick in. The two of us stood there, in silence, watching each other.
I realised I was shaking, after a while, and I was aware that I was sweating an awful lot, and I was breathing even more furiously than I had been before. But, I didn't care. I felt great. The nerves in my stomach had uncoiled, and I felt much more relaxed. I couldn't understand why I'd been so worried about this. It felt awesome to me. I could see It effecting Kelly, in the same ways. She was adjusting the buttons on her blouse, grinning stupidly at me. I felt myself laugh, but it didn't sound like me, at all.
"Come on, let's go," I giggled. Kelly surveryed the toilet, and we both noticed that there was still some of the white powder left. Kelly licked her index finger and collected the powder.
"Here, open your mouth," she insisted. I did as instructed, and Kelly began to dab the powder into my gums. It tasted bitter and I couldn't feel my gums after that. I felt incredibly active, and all I wanted to do was go out and dance, and be loud. Laughing, we both left the toilets and ran straight back into the club. The music made me feel alive, as though as I could do anything I liked. It was pumping through my body, forcing it to dance as though it had a mind of its own. I felt absolutely ecstatic, and I closed my eyes and tipped back my head as I danced. Now, I knew what was wrong with all those people when I'd first came in. Kelly grabbed my hips and a bolt of electricity rushed through me. I groaned to myself, praying she would let go before I lost control. I could feel the slightest touch on my body, and when somebody brushed past me, resting their hand on my bare shoulder, it felt amazing. I wanted to run about, but there wasn't enough room, so I just danced as wildly as I could with all the people around me. People were patting me on the back and various others, who I'd never even seen before in my life, were dancing with me. I wanted to talk to them all, find out their names, but I couldn't even hear them. I felt like I could just talk to anybody. This feeling went on for what felt like forever, the music washing over me. I was so hot, my hair was stuck to my face. I realised I was extremely thirsty and I looked around for Kelly. She was a little way away from me, doing the same as I what I imagined I'd been doing.
"KELLY!" I yelled.
"YEAH?"
"I NEED A DRINK. WATER," I gasped. My throat felt dry and swollen as I swallowed. We went to the bar and Kelly asked for two bottles of water. We downed them and grinned at each other again.
"How do you like it?" she asked, slyly.
"It's great, Kelly! I feel so much better!" I exclaimed.
"I knew you would, babe!" We danced for a while longer, and I felt wide awake, as though I could stay here dancing all night. But soon after, Kelly came to find me.
"We're heading off now!" she told me, and I followed. I was starting to come down now, and I was missing Leanne worse than ever. We said goodbye to Amy, Johnno and Finlay, who walked off down the street, talking and laughing loudly. Kelly and I got on the bus, the plan was that I stayed at hers for the night as her parents weren't there.
"Fuck that shit, Kelly, we shouldn't have done that," I declared, angry at myself.
"It's okay, Jodie, you'll be fine," Kelly replied. We got to her house and the whole way back, I was wide awake, staring around. I still felt as though I could run, but I was also regretting what I'd just done. It had felt good at the time, but I knew, from what I'd heard, that there would be a hell of a come down. I couldn't believe I'd done it. I'd actually done coke. And I wasn't proud of it, I felt like an idiot now. I didn't sleep the whole night at Kelly's. Neither of us did. I tried and tried, but I still felt restless and sleep just wasn't coming. I'd never gone a whole night without sleeping before, but this was the first time. Kelly and I spoke idly throughout the night, but mostly we just lay, reeling. I felt depressed, and I wanted to cry and phone up Leanne. I wanted to hear her beautiful voice, comforting me, but it was my fault I felt this way.
Eventually, morning came around, and one of the first things I did was puke up in Kelly's bathroom. That was the alcohol putting in an appearance. I now felt tired, absolutely shattered, but I couldn't fall asleep. It felt like string were holding up my eye lids. I spent almost the whole day at Kelly's like that, feeling depressed and tired. But when it started to get dark, I knew I had to get home. I kissed Kelly goodbye, thanked her, and left. I don't know how I made it home, all I wanted to do was collapse onto the pavement. I let myself in, and cursed under my breath as I ran straight into my mum.
"Did you have a nice night, love?" She asked, cheerily. "Jodie, you look pale! Didn't get much sleep?" She joked. Her perkiness made me cringe, inwardly.
"You have no idea," I whispered, dryly.
She didn't hear me, and I barged past her into my room.I got a shock when I looked in the mirror. My face was paper white and I had dark circles underneath my eyes. As I observed myself, I realised this is what I'd been reduced to. But I felt too low to do anything about it right now. Wearily, I took a cold shower and stood with my eyes closed, letting the water cascade over my face and cleanse the sweat from my body. I sighed into the water and wondered how I was going to get by this. This what definitely not the road to go down, and yet i'd felt so good yesterday. The coke had helped me to forget all of my troubles, if only temporarily, but I was grateful for that, regardless. Fleetingly, I wondered if Johnno had anymore, but then I realised what the hell I was thinking about and stepped quickly out of the shower. I made my way back into my room, ruffling my hair with a towel and carelessly turning my stereo on. Instinctively, I checked my phone. I didn't expect to see anything there, but to my surprise, there was a text message. With shaking hands, I picked up my phone and read. It was from Leanne;
"Hey j, hope you are doin gd. I miss you. my new school isnt gr8. I really hope to see you soon, hope ur coping better than me. I love you. x"
I didn't know how I felt. I was feeling a mixture of happiness, that she missed me, that she wasn't having such a wonderful time, but it was swirling around with a feeling of great anguish, that she wanted to be back here, and was probably feeling incredibly low and alone. I quickly punched in Leanne's number, but hesitated before I brought it to my ear. Should I call? Shouldn't I? No, talking would only make the pain greater. Instead, I texted back, saying that I loved her and that in reality, it wasn't that long until we saw each other. But to be truthful, I was fooling only myself. Our relationship was being stretched more than I'd, naively, thought it would have been. Dread sat in my stomach like a rock at the bottom of a pool, and somehow, I couldn't see it being lifted. I spent the next few weeks in a similar fashion, going out and partying with Kelly and the guys, getting drunk and spewing, and generally having what I thought was a "good time." But truthfully, I didn't really enjoy it all that much. I was just hoping for a distraction, and that's what I was getting.
Finally, half term rolled around and Leanne had arranged for me to go and visit her. The journey to the airport was slow and I felt sick, from nerves and motion sickness. I busied myself by counting the lamposts that we passed, and the white lines on the road. After a two hour drive, we arrived and after helping me to check-in, my parents went off to find somewhere to buy coffee. I felt strange, I didn't understand why I was nervous, this was Leanne, my Leanne, what was there to be nervous about? I stood infront of the big, glass window and watched several planes zooming up the runway to take off. I was going to be flying alone, but that didn't bother me as I didn't much feel like talking, anyway. When it was time to board, I suddenly felt extremely homesick. I hugged my mum tightly and told her I'd miss her.
"Hey! Come on, it's only four days! You'll be fine, sweetie," she chuckled, kissing me on the head.
I strolled away, looking back over my shoulder at the people who stood, waving, at the gateway. I just wanted to be in France as soon as possible. On the plane, I searched for my seat and eventually found it. Sitting next to me, was a middle aged, edgy looking woman. She jumped as I sat down next to her, and I apologised profusely. She simply smiled and continued to fumble with her hand luggage. I guessed she wasn't a fan of flying! A gurgling toddler dashed passed my chair, her toothy mouth smeared with chocolate, laughing happily. Her father chased her frantically down the alleyway, calling her name. I smiled at him as he stumbled past, giving me an exasperated look. The plane was air conditioned heavily, and I leant my head back against the seat, sighing, closing my eyes. Moments later, the nervous woman next to me was nudging me, telling me to fasten my seatbelt. I realised I must have dozed off. I heaved a sigh of relief as we took off, and got my iPod out.
A few hours later, I was getting off my plane, hoping to God that Leanne hadn't, for some bizzare reason, forgotten I was coming. I searched for her tall Dad above the hoards of people, standing on my tiptoes to see properly. I started to panic when I couldn't see them, and plonking my bag down by a chair, I hefted myself on to it and scanned the heads. After much searching, I still couldn't spot them, and I climbed down, stumped. What the hell was I going to do now? Just as I was getting my phone out to check if I had any reception, I felt a rush of breeze and something flew into my arms, making high pitched squeaking noises. I was shocked and gasped for air, clutching at the bundle in my arms.
"Jodieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee," Leanne cried, kissing my cheek.
I violently tugged her off me, pulled her back and surveyed her face. She'd dyed her hair dark brown, and had a new side fringe put in. She looked beautiful, as ever!
"Leanne, you look wonderful!" I said, smiling. "I thought you'd forgotten me!"
"Of course not! I wanted to surprise you," she laughed. "Come on, we have loads of catching up to do!" Leanne insisted, as she dragged me off to collect my luggage.
On the way back from the airport, we sat in the backseat of the car, legs splayed all over each other, mostly discussing Leanne's new life here. She sounded sad at times, but she seemed to like it, overall. I was endlessly pleased for her. We secretly held hands underneath her jacket, and I felt okay for the first time since she'd left. All the tension and anxiety I'd been feeling had completely drained, and it made me feel extremely light.
"So, what have you been up to?" Leanne asked, thoughtfully
I thought of the nights I'd spent partying, with Kelly, and the coke I'd done that night, but I didn't think I ought to include that. She'd only worry, and I didn't want her to feel that way.
"Well, you remember my friend, Kelly? I've seen her quite a lot, we've just been catching up and things," I said, innocently. Leanne didn't question it, and I felt guilty for lying, but I couldn't very well tell her. I was ashamed of myself and I didn't want her to be ashamed of me, too.
Leanne was silent for a moment, her lips softly pursed as she looked me over.
"Jodie, I am glad that you are doing okay. I mean that, I really mean it," she said emotionally. I felt like crying. I wasn't doing okay! I wanted my Leanne back, more than anything. But how could I tell her that? How could I taint her new life by planting a worry at the back of her mind, the worry that I was falling apart without her? No, I could not and would not do that to her, so, instead, I smiled and squeezed her hand.
We arrived at Leanne's new house, and I was blown away by how beautiful it was. Tall and large, it was covered in creeping ivy and surrounded by shrubbery and trees. The house itself was immaculate. Leanne's family had newly decorated, and as I stepped inside, I noticed the smell of paint still faintly lingered. In the hallway, Leanne's parents told me to make myself at home, and disappeared off into the back of the house, bantering about what colour to paint the kitchen. I watched them walk away, and then turned back to Leanne, taking her in my arms.
"I've missed you more than I can put into words," I whispered, desperately, and in seconds we were in a passionate clinch, our lips reunited like old friends, our tongues becoming re-accquainted with each other. She tasted as she'd always tasted, and we were soon merging into each other, with me leaning on the wall for support. Eventually, Leanne came up for air.
"Well if it can't be put into words, I want you to show me. Come on, you haven't seen my new room yet," she said, folding my hand into her own and entwining her fingers with mine. We glided up the stairs, as light as air and Leanne danced into her bedroom. Her room portrayed her character perfectly, old posters on new walls, a large sound system which looked relatively new, her TV, a new bed, her old, pink, carebear bed covers. I giggled and sighed happily, and flopped onto her bed, inhaling the smell of her sheets. They smelt fresh and pristine, and I closed my eyes, tired from all the excitement.
"Hey, no you don't, sweetheart," Leanne cooed, smoothing my hair with her fingers.
"Why not?" I pouted, looking up at her.
"Because, I want to show you what you've been missing," she smiled, licking her teeth. I was torn between soft, comfortable bed or tasty, luscious, Leanne. But in all fairness, Leanne would win everytime. I adjusted myself into sitting position so that I was mirroring Leanne, and stroked her silky cheek.
"And who am I to deny you anything?" I said, innocently. I leaned into her and our lips met once more. The kiss was wet and sensual, the suggestive kind that doesnt just leave your mouth being the only thing that's wet. As the kiss deepened, I felt Leanne's hand creep up my thigh, squeezing my leg just below my crotch. Her fingers danced along the top of my leg, expertly avoiding obvious areas, but driving me crazy all the same. I wrapped my own arm around her waist, sliding my hand up the back of her top. Leanne leaned into me, guiding my head down onto her pillow and gently draping herself over the top of me. She pulled away for a second, looking into my eyes very seriously.
"I can't believe you're really here with me again," she breathed, her voice barely more than a sigh, her eyes large and honest.
I couldn't speak back, for fear of bursting into tears, so instead I brought her face back to mine, and kissed her harder than before. Leanne moved her thigh in between my legs, and rubbed back and forth, starting a gentle rhythm. I moved my legs further apart to accommodate her thigh, hoping this would invite her to take it further. Taking the initiative, I slid her black jacket over her dainty shoulders and moved my lips onto the soft flesh of the nape of her neck. I kissed her there slowly, wanting to remember what every part of her tasted like. At the same time, my hand wandered up the front of her top, tickling her belly button. I felt her giggle into my mouth, and intensify the pressure of her thigh between my legs. We both smiled into the kiss as she fumbled with my jeans - she'd never been able to undo the button. I helped her out, and she left my mouth and resumed kissing on my stomach. I felt her eyelashes flutter against my skin and I trembled in anticipation. Leanne spent some time on my stomach as I dreamily slid my fingers through her hair. And then she tugged my jeans off and slid my underwear over my hips, discarding them on the chair near her bed. With my free hand, I reached up and gripped the pillow behind me, ready to hold on. Leanne wasn't teasing today, she went straight in and began to kiss my labia, using her tongue as though she was kissing my mouth. She trailed the tip of her tongue all the way along my slit until she reached my clit, where she fluttered her tongue over it, before dragging it back down. I pushed my head back into the pillow, eyes closed tight as Leanne worked her magic, pulling on her pillow and restraining the urge to arch my back. Leanne continued slowly, gently making love to my pussy. After deciding she'd made me wet enough, Leanne pushed her tongue tenderly into the entrance of my vagina. She was being so soft, so caring and gentle, and it felt like paradise. I was close to coming, but I restrained, wanting to prolong the pleasure as much as I could. Leanne persevered, smoothly sliding her tongue inside me, probing around, before pulling back out and kissing along my labia, stopping to pay vital attention to my throbbing clitoris. After repeating this various times, I started to writhe around, knowing I couldn't hold back much longer. I briefly called out, clenching my eyes shut.
"Are you close?" Leanne said in a low voice. I nodded vigorously, biting my bottom lip hard to prevent myself screaming.
Leanne momentarily stopped what she was doing, and I felt her easing her fingers into my pussy, but she didn't move them once they were in. She brought her face back up so it was level with mine, and took my face in a delicate kiss, sliding her tongue into my mouth and allowed me to taste myself on her. Then, she started to move fingers, deliberately pushing them in far, rubbing slowly on my g-spot, and leisurely pulling them away again. The rhythm of her fingers was perfectly in sync with the rhythm of her tongue working my own tongue, and pretty soon I was back on the edge. I held onto her hips and moaned into her mouth, earning myself a low moan back. I cried out and broke the kiss as I started to come, my pussy clenching tightly around her magic fingers, and Leanne started to kiss my neck, lovingly, bringing me through my intense orgasm. She kissed my throat as I surpressed moans, my back arched and my pussy pushed towards her fingers, but still, Leanne continued her slow, regular motion. As my orgasm began to come to an end, Leanne guided my lips back to hers and absorbed my moans, her tongue affectionately lashing mine. When I stopped convulsing, Leanne removed her hand and wrapped her arms tightly around my body, holding me to her securely. I gasped for air, overwhelmed by the orgasm I had just been given and how much I loved the giver. I found myself sobbing into her neck as she squeezed me, resting her head on top of my head.
"I love you, so much," she murmured. All I could do was sob and cling to her. Leanne had never made love to me like that before, and I knew it had been an expression of her love to me.
After I had satisfied Leanne, the pair of us got up to eat, and then we retreated back to her bedroom, where we stayed for the rest of the day, talking and holding each other until the early hours of the morning, when we finally fell asleep in each others arms.
Those few days I spent with her were magical, and it reminded me just how much I loved her, and when it was finally time for me to go back home, we knew we had to say our heart-wrenching goodbye's once more, and endure more tough times without each other. The day of my departure, Leanne and I could barely look at each other; we didn't want to maximise the pain for the other one in any way. We hardly said a word to each other, until Leanne came into the bathroom behind me when I was collecting my toothbrush. I saw her come in through the mirror, and she stood behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist, resting her chin on my shoulder. I shuddered, sensing that something was wrong in the way she looked at me.
"Oh, Jodie," she said, her eyes filling up with tears. "I'm not sure I can go through all of this again."
I held my breath for a second, knowing exactly what she meant. I felt that familiar feeling of impending doom start to invade my gut, after being away for the whole time I'd been with Leanne.
"You mean, you..." I trailed off, turned around to face her, our arms still wrapped around each other. Leanne looked at me with a heartbreaking expression, her eyes displaying the gloom she that she felt inside of her.
"I just don't know what we can do Jodie," she sighed, resignedly. "We are going to have to go through this hurt and pain everytime we see each other again."
I knew what she was talking about, and I knew precisely how she felt. I didn't feel anger towards her, because her face portrayed so much heartbreak that I knew just how miserable she felt. She wasn't doing this because she didn't love me anymore, she was doing it because she loved me, and I understood perfectly. I looked her in the eye, and told her this.
"I understand completely why you feel like this. I...I agree with you," I said quietly, the last part barely audible. Both of us were scared to say it out loud, scared to put our thoughts into reality, but we had to do it.
"You know that I love you, and I know that you love me, which is why I think it's better like this," Leanne said, uncertainly. She didn't look as if she believed what she was saying, but she didn't need to speak for me to recieve her message wholly.
"This is...so hard...I...are you sure, Leanne?" I pleaded. I knew that this was not Leanne ending our relationship, I knew that this was not even myself ending the relationship, it was the both of us making a mutual decision, and we knew that.
"I think it's the right thing to do, but Jodie, I love you," Leanne said despairingly, tears spilling from her eyes now.
"I know exactly why you're doing this, Leanne, you don't need to explain yourself to me, you know I understand you, better than anyone," I whimpered, starting to cry myself now.
"I want you to know, Jodie," Leanne began, fiercely, holding me tightly, "that I love you more than I have loved, love and ever will love another living soul. This, I promise you. There is nothing more pure than the love I feel for you, and my love for you has never wavered, not even now, you know that, don't you?" Leanne sounded almost as if she was begging me for my understanding, but she already had it. I felt devastated, but at the same time, I felt a small window of relief, knowing that this was for the best in the long term.
"Leanne, I've always meant it when I said I loved you, and I still do. There's not a thing I would do to hurt you. Just promise me this, you will never forget me," I sobbed, overwhelmed.
"Never, for as long as I live. You will always be in my heart, Jodie, you have changed my life in so many ways. This past year has been the best year of my life, but we both know all good things must come to and end," she told me, sadly.
This was the hardest conversation I'd ever have, sitting back and allowing this relationship to be over, even though we both knew that we still loved each other, but making a mature decision for the good of each other. Despite the pain and the anguish, both of us knew this would save more hurt in the long run. Leanne and I stood in the bathroom, hugging and kissing each other, our tears blending together on our faces, for at least an hour, telling each other our reasons, trying to justify what we were doing, trying to convince ourselves that this was the best thing to do. I've never held onto to someone so hard in my life. I felt like I was about to fall from a plane, and Leanne was my last hope of safety, my harness, my safety rope, and once that was cut, I would be free falling with nothing to guide me. But this hole I felt inside inside of me, surely this was better than missing each other for months on end, then being reunited, only to be tore away from each other time and time again? Surely?
After crying countless more tears and hugging each other into oblivion, we both resigned trying to reason with ourselves. Right now, we could not see that this was for the best, but we knew that this was the only way to save us from more heartbreak. We were going to have to accept that this, the best relationship of our lives, the loves of our lives, was over. And although it caused us both unbearable pain, we comforted each other with the knowledge that this was not like other breakups, that this was a mutual decision, that we could guarantee that we were feeling just as much pain as the other, and that this did not, under any circumstances, mean that we'd stopped loving each other.
The ride to the airport slipped away like sand in an hourglass. I clutched her hand, hard, the whole way, constantly fighting back tears. It seemed a clock was ticking in my head, reminding me that my time with Leanne was coming to an end, that it was no longer unlimited. All I remember from that journey, is watching Leanne silently cry beside me, her tears dripping off her chin, splashing over her jeans and onto our joined hands. I also remember the feeling I had, and I always will remember that feeling. The feeling that you are making the biggest mistake of your life, the feeling that you are losing the best thing that ever happened to you, but that it was for the benefit of another person, even if that person was not exactly thankful at that moment in time. As my plane arrived at the airport, I felt like I was being submerged in cold water. I was dizzy and sick, and when I looked at Leanne, she mirrored my exact feelings on her face. All I wanted to do was stop her pain, but I knew that what we were doing was stopping her pain. I had to keep telling myself that. Sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind, make a decision that may temporarily hurt the people you love, but will save a lot turmoil for them in the future. I clung to Leanne until the very last second I had, feeling her warm tears soak my neck, listening to her words of comfort as she frantically told herself the same things I was telling my self. When there really was no more time, I let go of her reluctantly and felt the tears falling down my face in sheets. I released her hand, watching her arm fall limply to her side as she stood before me, looking like a lost child in a city. Her parents had kept their distance, but I didn't even care if they knew anymore. As I backed away from Leanne, I felt as though nothing mattered anymore, because I'd let go of the only thing that mattered. When I couldn't walk backwards anymore, I searched desperately for something adequate I could do, I felt powerless, desperate, numb.
"I love you!" I called back at her, my voice cracking as I sobbed loudly. She mouthed the words back, and I imagined the feel of that mouth on my own mouth, on my body. Why were we doing this? I had to get away before I changed my mind. I turned and ran down the passageway towards the plane I was boarding, knowing that if I looked back there's no way I'd be able to keep going. I covered my ears as I ran, because I didn't want to hear Leanne's sobs. And when I made my way to my seat on the plane, nothing seemed to make sense. People rushed past me in a blur, as though they were on fast forward, and I could only focus on one thought; was it really for the best??
Well that's it! I know it's taken a long time, but it is the longest part of the story, and also the hardest to write! I hope you have all enjoyed my story, and thank you all so much for reading! Any feedback is, as always, heavily appreciated - Jodiesline@hotmail.co.uk. THANKYOU so much to everybody who has read this or who was sent me feedback and support!