Surfacing Angel

This is a work of total fiction. The characters portrayed here come only from my mind (and whatever lies beyond). This work contains (or will) sexually explicit passages between minors of same and differing sex. If that isn't for you, if this material is considered illegal in your place of residence, or if you are under that arbitrary age people seem to think is when we are ready to be exposed to sexuality, you are to turn back now or delete this file if you've managed to get it on your hard drive (and in the future you really ought to be more careful what you download!).

That was the standard disclaimer. The rest of this is anything but. Those having read my only other work to date (Midwest Dreams in the Rural section; after a looong silence, part two is coming soon!) probably know I have a propensity for verbiage, particularly in introductions. I'll keep this brief. The sex (at least the erotic kind) will come much later than these first two parts. If you're looking for a quick fix, look elsewhere and come back when you're not so... focused. ;) This story is about love, friendship, acceptance, and the struggle for identity. It deals with extremely difficult topics, such as suicide and rape. I can only hope that it is at least fractionally as hard/emotional for you to read as it was for me to write, because that means I have succeeded as a writer. You have been warned.

Author's personal note: The first two parts of this story were born of a vision (I can only call it that, it was so strong) I had over the period of a few nights just before going to sleep. It grew, developed, and wrote completely of its own volition (look it up if you don't know it, and never let it be said that my stuff wasn't educational). There were flashes, insights that I cannot say from where came, and I simply filled in the rest to make it coherent. Yet the strangest thing of all, perhaps, is that I had written the dedication before the first bit of the vision ever came to me. As a writer/poet, I often write down simple one-liners that pop into my mind to work with later. This one, however, had much more to say.

Surfacing Angel

• To all of those who fought the battle and won, and for those of us who won't make it.

Part 1 - The Fall

Josh first came into my life at the beginning of my junior year in high school. It was second period, chemistry, and everyone was catching up on how they had spent the summer before class started. I hadn't heard anything about a new kid, and apparently neither had anyone else, because when he walked into the room there was a momentary lull in the conversation as everyone looked up. Josh's face turned a little red, but he went straight to one of the few empty seats (in the front row, of course). Then everyone went back to their conversations, assuming that if the kid hadn't taken out his schedule to check where he was, the teacher could just correct him when class started.

I'd been talking to Tommy when Josh first walked in. Well, good friends and his mother called him Tommy; everyone else called him Tom (and he liked it that way). He was one of the closer members of my circle of friends, though that didn't really mean much outside of school. I wasn't a hugely social person if I wasn't at school or a school event, and only hung out with a few friends the rest of the time. Actually, Tommy had spent the summer out west with his father (his parents had gotten a divorce a few years back before we had started hanging out), so I hadn't seen him in quite a while. He was telling me about this girl he'd been trying to get with all summer and had finally made it to second base by the end. I wasn't all that engrossed in what he was saying, but I was at least paying attention. Until Josh walked in anyway.

He was a little shorter than me, probably five nine or ten. Dressed in a moderately oversized t-shirt and jean shorts, his frame was thin and light. The skin on his arms and legs was sort of a bronzy tan and you could tell he spent a lot of time outdoors. His hair was a mixture of blond highlights and dark roots, like he'd bleached it a while back (though I would later learn it was mostly the sun and salt water that kept it that way), and it was combed straight down on both sides, parted at the middle. In the brief glance I gave him as he walked by, I thought his eyes were a grayish sky blue, set evenly above a sharp nose. Actually, his whole face was kind of angular, with a sharp chin and cheekbones too. Maybe not angular, just very defined. Better than average looking I judged, in that 'sizing up the new competition' way guys seem to have. Then he sat down, and Tommy and I went back to our conversation (thankfully on another subject, because I was getting tired of listening to his more than likely exaggerated exploits with this supposed 'babe').

Eventually, Mr. Morarty (and yes, he's heard all the jokes from Sherlock to molarity, and they're all old) walked in and started class. "Welcome back ladies and gentlemen," he said, "hope you had a wonderful summer. On to business." That's Morarty, straight and to the point; not a bad teacher, just a little direct and humorless sometimes. "First off, role call; let's make sure you're all in the right place and everyone's actually here." Neither Morarty nor the new kid seemed to notice as all heads turned to look at him for a second. "To start out with, I'm sure you've all noticed we have a new student joining us; Josh, from...?" he prompted, looking up at the class for the first time since walking in.

"Florida. On the Gulf Coast, that is," the new kid replied, a little shyly. His voice sounded sort of hollow and soft. At least if that was his accent, it wasn't bad at all. It was nothing compared to the hillbilly drawl people tended to slip into sometimes around here (myself included).

"Well, welcome to Indiana," said Morarty. "Let me be the first to offer you my condolences on your recent move." That got a bit of a laugh out of everyone. Hey, I said he wasn't bad all the time. Besides, I don't know anyone who wouldn't agree that going from the Gulf Coast of Florida to central Indiana was a definite step down in accommodations. "And in case you're all wondering, Josh is a sophomore. His old school apparently has a bit more of a dedication to the sciences that his new one, and he's already covered the material you all had last year." Mr. Morarty was forever complaining about how lax our school's curriculum was (which is another reason most people dreaded his classes, as if one being chemistry wasn't enough). However, that explained why no one had seen Josh in homeroom or first period; he was in a different grade. "As for the rest of you, Ackerson?" Morarty continued on with role.

At lunch I found Jenny and we went to sit with a couple of our friends. Jenny and I had grown up together and were sort of best friends. Which is odd I suppose, you don't usually find guy/girl best friends in high school, but there we were. We lived a couple of blocks apart from each other and our parents went to the same church (thankfully mine never forced me to go and I almost never did, though Jenny would every few weeks). They'd known each other before either of us was born, though they didn't go out together all the time or anything. Anyway, we sat down at our usual table with the others and joined in the bitching about classes and how it sucked that we had to start going to school when the weather was still so nice. As you might expect, the conversation eventually turned to the new kid.

It turned out that Jenny had an art class with him. She was really into art, sketching and a little bit of painting. She was really good at it too.

Apparently Josh had been quiet in art as well, though our school was so small (only about 1000 people in 9-12) that most secondary classes like music and art had people from all four grades in them. I guess even if there were other sophomores in there with him, he was still the new guy. Jenny hadn't learned much more than we had in chemistry, just that his dad had taken a transfer over the summer and they'd only moved in a couple of weeks ago.

When lunch was over Jenny and I walked to math, the only class besides English and a study hall last period that we shared. The rest of the day was a fairly routine first day kind of thing, all the teachers handing out their rules, some already making assignments, others allowing us what we refer to as a 'half-assed' day. Jenny and I did find that Josh also shared our study hall. The first day of a study hall is kind of a given break period, and the teacher just let us talk quietly the whole time. Jenny and I chatted about people who had changed over the summer and made plans to take my mom's car over to Wally World later to get a few missed school supplies. We noticed Josh had gotten there early and had a choice of seats, ending up towards the back. He sat the whole time either reading a book or staring out the window. And so went the first day of class.

The first couple of weeks were spent settling back into the routine of school, trying to learn how to get up so early in the morning and actually get to sleep at a fairly reasonable hour. Classes weren't that bad. I've always been able to breeze my way through schoolwork and get B's with minimal effort. Chemistry was challenging that a little, but it was no big deal. Jenny had it slightly easier than me, and sometimes I envied her. She told me that in her art class everyone had written down what kind of projects they wanted to do, and that was how the teacher was going to plan the class. She had picked charcoal and pencil sketching, of course, and that ended up being the first thing they did. I was flipping through her sketchbook one day after school during the break before my swim practice started when one drawing in particular caught my eye. It was a portrait of Josh, done in a very harsh lighting scheme and a few strands of hair hanging in front of his eye.

"Ooo-hoo, what's this?" I teasingly asked Jenny, holding up the sketch. She blushed just a little bit. Someone who didn't know her as well as I might have never have even noticed.

"Quit it Terry! Put that down," she said.

"What, you don't want anyone to see it? I guess then that he doesn't know you drew it, huh?" I replied, grinning.

"We had to do a still life in class the other day. You know I hate doing composed still lifes, they're boring. He was right across from me and it just looked... It just came to me."

"I'm sure it did. You think he's cute, don't you." I was grinning like the Cheshire cat now; it wasn't a question and Jenny knew it. She smacked me on the arm and grabbed her sketchbook back.

"Maybe. So what," she said, sticking her tongue out at me.

"Now Jenny, you know that younger guys are nothing but trouble," I started, and she smacked me again, this time with her sketchbook. I fell back laughing. It was a running gag between us. I kidded her about younger men and she gave me a hard time about older women.

I suppose I should explain. Jenny was actually older than me by about three months. A couple of times over the years we had gone out with each other. It started in elementary school, with the 'check yes or no' notes, and then the last time had been in eighth grade, which was pretty serious. We'd even made out a couple of times, but eventually we figured out that we were better off as friends. She was attractive, don't get me wrong; about five six, blondish brown hair down past her shoulders, deep brown eyes, a gentle face, killer figure (not like an anorexic model either), and nice tan. I loved the way she smiled too. But it was just pretty clear that we were meant to be together as friends and we both knew it. We stayed really good friends though, and really open with each other too.

In fact, before we'd gotten together in eighth grade we'd masturbated in front of each other once ('you show me yours and I'll show you mine' can get out of hand real fast sometimes), and after that... Well let's just say that while Jenny and I never had intercourse, we taught each other how to do everything else. We had both messed around with other people (boyfriends/girlfriends coming and going) and told each other about it. Probably the most interesting thing about our relationship was that we could talk to each other about others of our same sex. I mean, we could be at a mall or something and see a person or a couple and both be able to talk about how attractive not only the opposite sex was, but the same sex too. I don't know that she ever talked about other girls with her girl friends, but I know I never talked about other guys like that with my guy friends. It just wasn't done. But with Jenny, it was just another day.

Which is why, getting back to the present so to speak, it didn't surprise her that when I finally managed to stop laughing I agreed with her that he 'may-be' cute. She just smirked at me. "Yeah, well I said so first, so I get dibs."

"He's all yours hon," I replied, getting up and flipping her hair (which she hates) as I headed toward the locker room to change. She just smacked my back with her notebook and pushed me along.

Practice could get pretty grueling sometimes. I was particularly sore after that evening. Swimming sprint laps for twenty minutes straight will do that to a person. I'd ended up on the swim team last year after the track coach had told me I would be a pretty good candidate the spring of my freshman year. I'd been doing shot and some long distance running in track that year, and I was more developed in the upper body than I was my legs. I wasn't too weak for fifteen, but now at six foot and 170 pounds, I was solidly built for seventeen, and swimming gotten me tone I never came close to in track. I kept my hair short, buzzed to a quarter inch every couple of weeks or so with my bangs a little longer. And of course, as with most swimmers I had little body hair (though I didn't have to shave a whole lot to get that way). Jenny called my face a 'rugged sort of handsome', though she loved to joke with me about having my ear pierced (left, done when I was fourteen, usually just a thin gold hoop). My eyes were sort of a greenish hazel, nothing spectacular, and usually kind of muddy looking.

Coach had started me out in medium races, trying to gauge my endurance and speed. Swimming is a hell of a lot different than running. Eventually endurance won out and I ended up doing some of the longer events. He'd also had me try diving a couple of times, and it turned out I was a natural at it providing things didn't get too fancy. There's this old rock quarry about a mile and a half from the school, and my house isn't too far in the opposite direction. I'd been swimming there since I was little, along with half the kids who lived in the area. On a busy weekend in the summer there would be twenty or thirty of us there at once. That's where I'd learned to dive (and in case you're wondering, swimming for fun and swimming for a team is like comparing a morning jog and a marathon). Actually, this year Coach wanted to push me up to the platform if I was ready for it. I'd only been doing the high board since the end of last season.

However, there was one other factor contributing to my soreness that night.

I was going to make one last dive before calling it a day. Most others had already finished; there were just a few people finishing laps. I was all set on the high board when just as I kicked off I noticed someone in the bleachers that I could have sworn was Josh. Normally nobody watches our practices, so it threw me and I lost my concentration. The result was a very sloppy dive and a very sore leg. When I came up and looked, there was no one in the bleachers, and Coach was not happy. He'd been watching me and ended up making me do two more clean dives before letting me go. You see, diving isn't exactly the safest sport in the world. Most people think water is nice and soft, but it's not. It can be as hard as concrete if you fall far enough or hit it the wrong way. There's been more than a few serious neck and spinal injuries over the years in our conference. I ended up hitting the showers annoyed at myself. Coach decided to push back the platform another few weeks. Oh well.

At the beginning of the third week in chemistry we were given a project we had to partner up for. We were supposed to pick a chemical reaction between two elements, and provided we could correctly explain the process and why it happened, Mr. Morarty would demonstrate the reaction in class. Including those with explosive results! At first I had planned to work with Tommy. We shared this affinity for explosives and I figured between the two of us we could come up with some really cool (and violent) reaction. But as it happened Josh's name was called first, and when asked whom he wanted to work with, he didn't have an answer. There was a brief awkward silence.

Josh had been adjusting to his new school I guess, but in our class he was kind of out of place. One grade makes a world of difference sometimes, and he hadn't really gotten to know anyone else in the class as far as I knew. He was fine in other places, like art. Jenny had told me about the project they had started at the beginning of the week, which was making necklaces or bracelets by weaving and adding different kinds of beads and charms and stuff. Apparently it had been Josh's project suggestion, and he had cranked out two really cool pieces in the first day while most people had barely gotten half of one done. Jenny had been really impressed, and I gathered that (at least in art) they were on reasonably friendly terms. Moving right along apparently, from what I know about Jenny's pacing.

Well, call me a sucker, but I had a pretty good idea about the position Josh was in. While I had an advantage in that I knew everyone and Josh didn't, I also knew what it was like to not be part of a group. When it came down to it, I wasn't really either. I wasn't a jock even though I was on a couple of sports teams, or a nerd despite my ease in class, or any of those other labels people usually get stuck with. I got along with almost everybody, and I hung out at school with whomever I felt like at a given moment. I might not have been popular or anything, but I was relatively accepted and included in a few of every group's 'things'. I decided that someone had to give Josh a break here in chemistry, and it might as well be me. Besides, Jenny sure would like an 'insider' if I was reading her intentions right (and I knew I was).

"I'll work with him," I spoke up. "If you want to that is, Josh," I said, looking over at him.

"Yeah, uh... thanks," he said.

"No problem." There, I'd done my 'good deed for the day', as it were. I didn't think anything else of it, and I didn't think anyone else did either until after class, because Morarty just went on down the list. As we walked out, I waited at the door for Josh and we arranged to meet right after school to get started before I had practice. But Tommy had hung back in the room as everyone was leaving and came up to me after Josh walked off.

"Are you nuts or something?" he asked.

"Hey man, sorry about that, but I felt like someone needed to give him a break," I replied.

"You're kidding, right?"

"What? What do you mean?"

"You had to give him a break, of all people. You mean to tell me you haven't noticed?"

"Noticed what Tommy? Spit it out."

"You've never seen how he's always looking at you? Like he's checking you out. I know he's not obvious about it or anything, but come on; you had to have seen something! At least a couple of other people have." My mind flashed briefly back to the previous week and my botched dive, but I dismissed it.

"I haven't got a clue what you're talking about. He needed a partner, nobody else seemed like they were going to volunteer, and Jenny is interested in him. I figured it'd be wins all the way around."

"Yeah, well I'm willing to bet that Jenny loses out on this one."

"What do you mean? And you better not spread that, least of all to him, or Jenny would be pissed at me. And if that happens, I'll be pissed at you."

"Hey, my lips are sealed. You just keep an eye on him."

"For WHAT?" I said, getting a little exasperated by this point.

"You'll know it when you see it."

And with that he walked off. I wasn't exactly dense as to what he was suggesting, but it seemed that Tommy was just making a few too many leaps of logic for my taste. Looking back, I realize now that's where the whole mess started. I should have seen it coming, but I didn't.

Josh was waiting for me in front of the gym after school. "Hey Josh, what's up?" I said, as Jenny and I walked up to him. He had been sitting on the island at the edge of the cafeteria hunched over a notebook, and hadn't noticed us coming I guess, because he jumped a little.

"Oh hey, didn't see you coming. Just working on this stupid English essay," he replied, looking up. "Hey Jenny," he added.

"Hi Josh," she answered, not quite her usual outgoing self. Yeah, she was interested all right.

"Well, I've got about twenty minutes before practice here, how about we just figure out what reaction we're going to do," I suggested as I sat down next to Josh on the island. Jenny sat down on my other side and pulled out her sketchbook, roughing out what looked like a design for a necklace or something. "I was thinking something explosive, but I know Tommy is going to want to have the biggest bang, so how about a fireball?"

"Some kind of rapid oxidation then..." Well, at least he knew his stuff and I wouldn't have to do all the work myself.

"Whoa there, in English boy!" I joked. Josh had seemed a little nervous when I sat right next to him so I was trying to be friendly, but I guess it just made him even more tense.

"Sorry, I mean..." he stammered.

"Josh, hey, relax. I was kidding. How about doing something where the flame has a little color too? Just to make it more interesting."

"Yeah, sure." He seemed to relax at least a little bit, and we spent the next ten minutes pitching different metals back and forth. I don't even remember what we settled on, but we made plans to write everything out Thursday after my practice. He started shoving his books back into his backpack and I got up to go get changed for practice, telling Jenny I'd see her the next day.

"Later Terry. Hey Josh, I was wondering if you show me how to do this knot," she said. I turned around and continued walking backwards toward the locker room, watching her hold her sketchbook out to Josh to show him the thing she'd been working on while we had discussed chemistry.

"Yeah, no problem. It's kind of complex, but just like adding a few of the ones you already did together. You have cord on you?" Josh replied.

As Jenny started pulling some art stuff out of her backpack, I called out to them. "You kids have fun now, don't stay out too late!" She looked up at me, and since Josh had his back to me I made a couple of smooching faces at her. If looks could kill, I'd have never made it to practice. I practically fell into the locker room laughing.

Thursday rolled around and I was just finishing up an easy practice. Coach was going to give us Friday off since we'd done so well at our last meet, which was fine by me. There was a group of people getting together for one last swim of the summer at the quarry after school that day, and now I would be able to go. It was supposed to be the last really warm day of the summer, because the forecast said the temperature was going to drop twenty degrees by the next week. Jenny had told me about the get together the previous afternoon, when she finally started talking to me again. I had kind of pissed her off with that comment in front of Josh, but she never did stay mad at me for long. Apparently Josh hadn't noticed anyway.

"I think he might be interested in me," Jenny had told me at lunch.

"Well, I'd hope he's figured out you are in him by now. Maybe it's just cause I know you so well, but you couldn't make it any clearer to me if you put up a billboard with flashing lights," I teased her.

"Yeah, well you have privileged information too." I started to protest, but she continued, "You're not as observant as you think Terry. I bet you don't even have a clue that Amanda has a huge crush on you right now."

"Huh? Amanda? You're kidding." She just grinned at me. We'd talked about Amanda before and how I thought she was kind of attractive, but I didn't know her all that well. "Ok, fine, don't tell me. But seriously though, what makes you think Josh might be interested in you?"

"It's not like it's a rare event or anything. After all you were!"

"Jenny that's not what I meant and you know it."

"Yeah, but I owe you a few," she smirked. "Well anyway, after you went off to practice we were talking while he showed me how to make that necklace I drew. Somehow we got to talking about Jerry and Lindsy, this couple in art class who are always all over each other." I nodded, familiar with who she was talking about. They were both in track the spring before, and both the girl's and boy's teams were just about positive the two of them had been doing each other for a while. Particularly since they always seemed to both disappear at the same time during meets. "Well, there was this pause for a minute," Jenny went on, "and then Josh asks me if you and I are together."

I grinned. "And what did you tell him?"

"The truth. That we had been in the past, but that I wasn't seeing anybody right now."

"And his reaction?"

"Well, when I said that we had been he seemed sort of disappointed, but by the time I finished... Well I guess he didn't have much of a reaction at all."

"Maybe you just misread him. He probably didn't want to let on he was interested in you right then."

"Yeah, that's what I figured, but I was hoping he was going to ask me out this weekend."

"Give him a while, or make the move yourself Jenny. You know he's new here, and you ARE a grade above him," I said, slightly annoyed. I get so sick of the guy always having to make the advance.

"You're probably right. But you know I hate making the first move."

"Women. Why does it always have to be the guy who asks out the girl? You think we're any less nervous than you? I mean, hell, if Amanda would ask me out I'd go with her. How does she expect me to know she's interested if she doesn't tell me?"

"Well the same goes for you Terry. Why don't YOU ask HER out?"

"So you're saying she really does have a crush on me..."

The conversation had gone on from there, but Jenny never did give me a straight answer. I think it was more payback for the Josh comment. At any rate, I hadn't talked to Amanda yet and probably wouldn't for a while. I was interested, yes, but I just wasn't really looking for a relationship like that at the time. I finished my last lap and climbed out of the pool, noticing Josh in one of the first couple bleachers. "Hey Josh, I'll be out in a second," I called, heading into the locker room. He waved as I disappeared inside.

I rinsed the chlorine off my body and out of my hair as best I could, then went over to my locker to change. Nick, a fellow teammate who had the locker next to mine, was just tying off his shoe and heading out. He stopped though as I sat down to undo my lock. "You know that kid out there?" he asked.

"Who, Josh? Yeah, he's a sophomore but he's in my chemistry class. We have a project we have to do together. Why?"

"Just wondering," Nick replied. "I see him watching our practices a lot, wondered why."

"A lot? What do you mean?"

"Well, he's not here every day, but at least two practices a week he's either standing in the door for a while or up on the back set of bleachers."

"Really?"

"Yeah, he's there alright," Bo, another member of the team, chipped in. "I see him once in a while too. I don't usually notice him because I'm more focused down on the pool and stuff."

"Huh. I haven't ever noticed him. Guess I'm the same way," I half lied, thinking back to the dive I'd screwed up a week before. Maybe Josh had been there after all. "You guys going to be there tomorrow at the quarry?"

"Yeah. Seems kind of stupid to get out of practice to go swimming, but hey," Bo said, grinning.

"See you guys there then."

"Later Terry."

As I finished changing, I thought back to when Tommy had stopped me after class on Monday. "You'll know it when you see it," he'd said. So Josh had been watching the swim team practice. Big deal. And Jenny said he'd seemed disappointed when he found out she and I had been together, but... Ok, maybe Tommy had been paying more attention than I. I decided to make a few observations of my own. Grabbing my stuff and shutting my locker, I went back out to meet Josh. He hadn't moved.

"So where do you want to finish this up?" I asked him as he stood up.

"Doesn't matter to me."

"How about your place? It's not far, right?" Jenny was giving me more information at this point than I was giving her.

"No, just a couple blocks on the other side of that rock quarry. I guess we could type it up on my computer."

"Cool. Lead the way," I gestured.

We talked about school mostly as we walked to his house. When that started getting a little old, I asked him about Florida. He said it had been nice, and he missed living there. Apparently his dad worked in the computer industry and had been transferred up here as part of a promotion. Josh didn't really seem too talkative about where he'd come from so I told him a little about myself, having lived there all my life, growing up with Jenny and all. He said he'd noticed we were pretty close, and I took the opportunity to give him a more detailed description of our relationship, how we'd been out together but both decided we just wanted to be friends. He seemed kind of surprised at that. Of course, I didn't mention anything about sex, half figuring he might have a virgin hang-up or something.

Josh had moved into a pretty nice two-story house. It looked either new or renovated, both inside and out. His room was on the second floor at the back, and that's where we headed to work on the assignment. The house was quiet, and I assumed nobody else was there. The first thing I noticed about his room was the huge surfboard hanging along the ceiling. "Cool looking board. You surfed long?"

"Yeah, since I was ten or so. Guess I won't be getting much use out of it around here though."

"No, probably not. There isn't even a wave park around here or anything. I tried it on vacation once, but wasn't very good at it." Looking around the rest of his room, I saw it was pretty clean. The queen-sized bed was actually made and there weren't any clothes on the floor, which was covered in this fuzzy blue plush carpet. There were a couple of posters on the darkish green walls, cars and one or two surfers on some huge waves. No girl or swimsuit posters, but that didn't strike me as odd since I didn't have any either. They always struck me as boring or common, like how you can't even turn on the TV today without seeing a mostly naked body. We sat down at the desk in front of his computer and got started.

The assignment ended up taking us an hour to get all worked out. It wasn't difficult, just time consuming to explain in a paper. Josh and I seemed to work well together and didn't have trouble understanding what the other was trying to say when things got confusing or technical. Remembering the conversation in the locker room shortly after we had gotten started, every once in a while I would glance out of the corner of my eye or look right at him. Most of the time he was either looking at the books or computer, or staring off to his left at something (or nothing). A couple of times I noticed he was looking at me, but not enough to warrant the attention that Tommy had been indicating. Once again, I dismissed him watching the team practice. When we finally finished, I started putting up my stuff and asked him if he was going to be at the quarry the next day.

"For what?" he asked. It figured no one had invited him. Those of us who were regulars typically hated when a ton of people showed up, so we kept it fairly quiet. I decided one more couldn't hurt, and I knew Jenny would agree with me.

"Some of us go swimming there a lot, and tomorrow is sort of the last run for the summer, before the weather changes. You want to go? Jenny and I will be there." I didn't think I was crossing any lines as far as Jenny was concerned.

"The others won't mind?"

"No, not at all. It'll probably be thirty or so of us at most, and I'm sure no one will mind one more."

"Ok, I guess I'll be there then."

"Cool." I explained how to get down to the swimming area, then got up to leave. That's when I noticed the mirror on the far wall, right where he had been looking all those times I thought he was staring off into space.

The next morning during homeroom, I found myself talking to Tommy about the chemistry assignment. It was due that day, but Morarty wouldn't be demonstrating anything until he had graded them, which would be sometime next week. I had been right in figuring Tommy and his partner would end up going for the big bang. Even in small amounts their reaction would make a lot of noise. It promised to be interesting, but Tommy was having doubts as to whether Morarty would actually go through with it.

"So what did you and Josh end up doing?" he asked me.

"Well, I knew you wanted to go for explosive, so I figured we'd go for fire. We flipped through the book for a while before practice on Monday decided to go with some kind of metal so we'd have a colored flame."

"Cool. You guys finished right?"

"Yeah, I went over to his place after practice last night and we worked it out and typed it up."

"Wait a minute, you went to his house?" Tommy asked, sounding a little incredulous.

"Well I didn't feel like staying all night at school. Why, what's the big deal?"

"Did you see his room?"

"Yeah, it's a hell of a lot cleaner than yours."

Tommy didn't answer for a moment, just sat looking at me quietly. "I bet he was staring at you the whole time, wasn't he? Damn, I can't believe you actually went into his room!"

"Hold up. Where the hell are you getting all this from? No he wasn't staring at me the whole time," I said, choosing to forget the mirror. "I saw him out of the corner of my eye or looked up a couple of times and he was looking at me. That's it, no more than you would be if we were sitting right next to each other working together out of the same books. What, did you think he was going to try to jump me or something?"

"No man, I just wondered." He didn't sound very convincing. "I'm telling you, I see him staring at you all the time. You don't have to go getting defensive."

"I'm not. I just can't figure out why you have it in for Josh. He's new, he's a grade below us, and he's never done anything to you. Why are you so convinced that he's gay and he's after me? So you think you see him looking at me all the time. Maybe he's just staring into space in my general direction. If you're watching him so closely you ought to have noticed by now that he's off in his own world half the time during class."

"Dude, chill! I'm just saying..."

"I KNOW what you're saying," I cut him off. "You've been saying it almost from day one. Do me a favor and give it a rest, all right? Even if he is staring at me, I don't give a shit, ok? Let him. And by the way, I invited him to the quarry today, so don't give him any crap, ok? Jenny is interested in him and you know it, that's mostly why I did it."

Tommy looked like he was going to get upset when I mentioned inviting Josh to the quarry, but the second I brought up Jenny his face went blank. "Fine, you don't want to listen to me, don't. I won't say another word to you about it, if you just watch him in class today. I bet you that more than half the time he's looking at you. Not empty space, not his books, not someone behind you, but you."

"If that's what it takes to get you to lay off, deal." Tommy just put up his hands. Then the bell rang and we headed out to first period.

I was getting concerned. Something kept nagging at the back of my mind that Tommy was right. But what did I care? I'd checked out guys before, though usually with Jenny. So what if Josh was looking at me all those times? Unfortunately, my train of thought didn't stop there but kept going to the end of the line. If he was checking me out, and he was gay... Did it matter? Well, Jenny wouldn't be too happy, and of course neither would Josh. I mean, Jenny and I had talked about having sex with members of the same sex, but never seriously like we were going to do it or something. At least I didn't think, I had always been in the 'what would it be like' mode.

But it wouldn't really bother me if Josh were gay. And what the hell was up with Tommy? Unless he was just an outright redneck (which was entirely possible around here, but I knew he wasn't), I couldn't see any reason he would be after Josh. Tommy could be a little crass and sexist at times, but not hateful.

When I walked into chemistry, Tommy and Josh were already both there. Tommy just looked up at me for a minute and then went back to reading his textbook. Josh saw me and waved, and I nodded back and sat down. I couldn't really concentrate the whole period. But I did what Tommy asked, and watched Josh out of the corner of my eye. At first I didn't notice anything, but after a while I started just using my peripheral vision and focusing on his eyes. By the time the period was three quarters of the way over I knew Tommy was right. Exaggerating a lot, but he was right. There was no way to mistake it; Josh was checking me out whenever he could. When the bell rang and we got up to leave, Tommy just shot me this blank 'I told you so' look and walked out.

I was in a kind of daze the rest of the day. I didn't know what I was going to, or rather what I should do, if anything. Should I ask him point blank, or just ignore it? For once I couldn't go to Jenny, because she was hardly impartial now. But she knew something was up from the way I was acting. She finally said something as we were walking to the quarry with Bo and Jessica, one of Jenny's friends.

"Terry, what's bugging you? You've been out of it all day."

We had just come out of the VP on the corner and with the others right there, there was no way I was going to tell her, so I tried to blow it off. "Nothing. Just a little out of it I guess. It's been a long week."

"I hear that," said Bo. I tried to join in the conversation the rest of the way down to the swimming area, and did a half passable job I guess, because Jenny let it go.

The quarry is divided into three different pits, two on the north side of the road, and one on the south. The swimming area is down in the north eastern one on the far side from the road, and you had to go along the top of the wall between the two pits on that side to get there. They hadn't been taking stuff out for years, and all the pits were full of water. In fact, there was supposed to be a tunnel under the road that was over twenty feet high, but you couldn't see it. The access road on this side went back along the wall, then switch-backed down to a shelf at the water level about thirty feet below the level of the paved road. Obviously the pit was deep, at least sixty feet or so. It was fenced off and posted no trespassing, but no one had ever gotten in trouble for swimming there and local dive instructors actually used it for some of their classes. There was even a loose corner of fence where the way back was that no one had ever even tried to fix during the whole time I'd been going there.

By the time Jessica, Bo, Jenny, and I arrived there were already fifteen or twenty people there, some sitting on the edge and others swimming or playing tag in the water. I threw my stuff down and stripped off my shirt and sandals, then dove in. The water was actually kind of warm. I swam around a little, eventually joining in the tag game. About twenty minutes later Josh showed up. I swam over to the 'beach' and said hello. He knew a couple of the people there, and I introduced him to a few of the others who were nearby. Jenny had swum out to a large rock and was sitting on it talking with a couple of people. I pointed her out to Josh and told him he ought to go say hi.

He thanked me and took off his shirt and shoes. It was the first time I'd seen him shirtless, and that tan wasn't a farmer's tan. He looked good; not ripped or anything, but I could definitely see more of why Jenny was interested in him. I wondered if Jenny had seen him like that yet, then suddenly realized I might be staring. Apparently Josh didn't think so, because after dipping his foot in the water he jumped in and swam out to the rock Jenny was on, then started treading water nearby. I turned around to rejoin the game of tag, but noticed a few people were further our on a higher rock doing some dives. Tommy was just about to jump, but I before he did I saw him look from me to Josh and back again. I had almost managed to forget about the whole thing while I was playing tag, but I remembered it now. I swam out to join the divers.

Diving in a rock quarry is actually a pretty stupid thing to do. There is no way of knowing how deep the water is or if there are any rocks or debris in there in the way. But a long time ago people had checked out the area around this rock and made sure it was safe, unlike the cliff next to the beach, which looked fine but actually had rock piled about fifteen feet down. I started climbing up as Tommy jumped, but after he came up he headed to the beach. I figured he was pissed at me for earlier in the morning, so I just let it go and joined the three guys and two girls who were still diving. Just before I made my second jump, I saw Tommy sitting on the beach talking to a couple of guys, and Josh was now up on the rock with Jenny talking. They were the only two there, and I began to wonder if Tommy hadn't made me paranoid or something. Mentally I urged one of them to kiss the other to put anyone's doubts to rest (probably mine most of all). I went back to swimming, thinking it might be a nice day after all.

I should have known it wouldn't stay that way. Tommy had too big a burr up his ass, and I have no idea why I even thought he would leave Josh alone. After we had been there for about an hour, the crowd maxed out at around thirty people. Some people had already left, others were starting to leave, and there hadn't been any new arrivals for about half an hour. I figured I'd stay another half an hour or so, then split. I didn't have any plans for the evening, though I knew there were a couple of sleepovers going on. I wasn't thinking about going to any of them, but I thought I'd check and see what Jenny was doing. That's when I heard someone shout, "Fuck you!" I looked around and saw about half the other people doing the same. Then my eyes landed on the rock where Jenny and Josh had been talking.

Except now Tommy was there instead of Josh, and Josh was swimming toward the beach. I headed into ask him what was wrong, but he was already half way back to the top by the time I got to land. Most people had gone back to whatever they were doing, though a few were looking from Tommy to Josh and back. I swam out to find out what the hell had happened. As I approached I could see Jenny was upset, but confused. Tommy was smiling, like he'd just been laughing. I swam over and grabbed the side of the rock, looking up.

"What was that all about?"

"I don't know..." Jenny started, but Tommy interrupted her.

"I just asked him a question. Guess he didn't want to answer." Then he jumped over me and swam towards another group of our friends. I mentally kicked myself for not having seen this coming.

"What happened Jenny?" I asked, knowing but wanting to confirm it as I climbed up on the rock beside her.

"I'm not sure. Well, actually I am, but I don't understand it." I just looked at her, waiting for her to continue. Josh was already out of sight back towards the road. "Josh and I were just talking, he was telling me about surfing, when Tommy came up out of nowhere. I said hi, and he waved, but he never took his eyes off Josh. After a second, Josh asked what he wanted, and Tommy goes 'Are you gay?' Just like that. Josh said huh, and Tommy repeated the question, and then Josh said no and asked what he was talking about. Tommy just looked at him again, then grinned and asked why he was always staring at you. Does he do that?"

"Tommy seems to think so, but I haven't seen him do it enough to make that big a deal out of," I said, angrily. Even if he was right and Josh was gay, which I still hadn't decided for sure, Tommy had no right to bring it up in front of other people like that. "He was on me about it this morning and I told him to back off. Obviously he didn't listen. He's got it in for Josh, but I can't figure out why. You have any idea?"

"No, not a clue. But anyway, Josh just sat there for a second like he didn't know what to say, then yelled at Tommy. I'm sure you heard it. After that he just jumped in and swam away. Tommy watched him go and said 'I guess that answers that.' That's when you showed up."

"Dammit, what is Tommy's problem?!" I wondered out loud. "Look, I'm about to take off anyway, I'll try and call Josh when I get home. You doing anything tonight?"

"Jess and I are going over to Erica's for the night with a couple of others."

"Well, have fun. I'll talk to you on Monday, ok?"

"Yeah. See you later Terry."

I tried calling Josh after I got home, but go no answer. Not then or the other three times I tried that night before going to bed. After running some errands for my mom I tried again on Saturday, with the same result. Later that evening I tried going by his house, but no one was home. I spent most of the day doing house chores and wondering where he had gone. I finally got through on Saturday night, but his mom answered and said he'd already gone to bed. She asked if I wanted her to give him a message in the morning, but I just said to tell him I had called.

Sunday came and went, and Josh didn't call back. Jenny phoned and said she had tried calling too, but got no answer. We talked about it for a little while, but still couldn't figure out why Tommy had done what he had. We decided to try to find out Josh's side at school the next day, wondering if he and Tommy had a run in we didn't know about. But that proved kind of pointless as well. Josh avoided both us as much as he could. In art class he sat as far from Jenny as he could and didn't talk to anyone. He just mumbled something and walked away when she tried to talk to him. In chemistry he hadn't said a word to anyone, and had come in and gone as fast as he could. I also noticed he stared straight ahead or at his book the whole time.

As for Tommy, I hadn't been able to talk to him in homeroom because of some presentation, and when Josh walked into chemistry staring at the floor he had just started grinning. I was so pissed at the way Tommy was acting that I hadn't even tried to talk to him after that. At lunch Jenny and I decided that we were going to have to grab Josh after study hall to find out what exactly was going on. As if I didn't have a pretty good idea already. The only reason I could think Josh would be avoiding us was if Tommy's accusation were true. I didn't know what I was going to do about it, but I sure as hell wasn't going to just let things go like they were. When the bell finally rang after study hall I almost had to run out the door to catch him, and when I finally did I actually had to grab his shoulder to get him to stop.

"Josh, wait a minute. What's going on?" I asked him.

"Yeah, why won't you talk to us?" Jenny asked, catching up to stand beside me.

"Just let go and leave me alone Terry. Please," Josh said, looking at the floor. His hair was hanging in front of his eyes, so I couldn't see them. It reminded me of Jenny's sketch.

"I'll let you go, just tell us what's wrong and why you won't talk to us," I said, relaxing my grip but keeping my hand on his shoulder. He still didn't say anything.

"He doesn't want to admit the truth guys, that's what's wrong." Tommy had come up behind us while we were talking. "He doesn't want you to know he's a fag." Josh looked up at Tommy and there was a mixture of rage and fear on his face. I could tell fear was winning out. A small crowd was gathering around us now, which was not going to help matters any. "Right Josh? You're a fag, aren't you."

"And how the hell would you know Tommy," I said, turning to look him in the face.

"Oh come on Terry, you know it as well as I do, even if you want to ignore it. Josh here has a crush on you. He's always staring at you." He turned back to Josh. "C'mon Josh, admit it, you're a fag and you want to jump Terry here."

Facing Tommy, I wasn't paying much attention to my grip on Josh's shoulder, and he took the opportunity to jerk away from me. He broke through the circle of people that had surrounded us, taking off for the door and out of the school. Jenny turned to look at Tommy, and she was pissed. Tommy was still smiling. "Why the hell did you do that Tommy?"

"Hey Jenny, sorry if I embarrassed the guy, but I just didn't want you wasting your time on a guy who wasn't ever going to be interested in you."

That's when it clicked for me. Tommy had started all of this because he was jealous of Josh. He wanted to go out with Jenny, and I had gone and told him point blank that she was interested in Josh. "You son of a bitch..." I started, but Jenny interrupted me.

"Sorry my ass. You knew exactly what you were doing you bastard." Then she turned and pushed her way through the crowd to follow after Josh. I wasn't sure what to do. I was royally pissed at Tommy right then, and regardless of whether we were pretty good friends or not I was about to light into him. Normally I'm not one to start fights; I've only had to fight a couple of times, and they were relatively short draw encounters. Tommy and I would be at the least evenly matched, if he didn't have the advantage. Then I realized that he wasn't even worth it, and I would be worth more if I went after Jenny and Josh. So I gave him one of those 'evil death' stares, and then went after them. The crowd was already breaking up, and they were quick to get out of my way.

"Hey man, I thought you didn't care," Tommy called after me. I gave him the finger over my shoulder and just kept going.

I caught up with Jenny just outside of the school. We didn't see Josh anywhere but figured he would probably be headed home, so I led the way in that direction. We caught up with him about fifteen minutes later, but that was only because he had stopped. Josh was standing on the far side of the fence, at the edge of the quarry pit on the north side of the road. His back was to us and he was staring down toward the place everyone swam from, right over the deepest part where the tunnel under the road was. At first I didn't think he noticed us, but as I started to pull back the corner of the fence for Jenny to duck under he spoke.

"Leave me alone dammit," he said, barely loud enough for me to hear from forty feet away. His voice was rough, like he'd been crying.

"Hey Josh, I just want to talk to you for a minute. I know..." I started, but he cut me off.

"You know what?!" he shouted, turning towards me. I could see he had been crying; fresh tears were still rolling down his cheeks. "You don't know shit. You and your fucking friends. What, did they send you after me to find out if I really was gay? Figured if I had it on for you that I'd tell you if you were alone?" He turned back toward the pit.

"Hey man, I..."

"Just go away!" Josh said, angrily but not shouting anymore. "They're right. I'm a fag. Happy now? Mom and Dad were wrong; things aren't any different here. I can't change who I am." His voice got even quieter, so I could barely hear what he was saying above the breeze coming over the quarry. "I can't be something I'm not." I ducked under the fence and started walking towards him.

"Josh, wait a minute. That's not why we came after you." He looked over his shoulder for a moment and seemed to notice Jenny for the first time.

"He's telling you the truth Josh, the others didn't send him," she said. "He followed me because I was coming after you."

"It doesn't matter. I don't care anymore, go back and tell the whole fucking school. It can't get any worse." Josh's voice dropped to a whisper, and I almost didn't hear what he said next. "And it's never going to get any better either..."

In that instant I realized why Josh had stopped here instead of going home.

"No, wait! DON'T!" I shouted as I started running. But it was too late; Josh had already stepped forward... off the edge of the pit and into thin air, more than thirty feet above the water below. I heard Jenny give a short scream as I slid to a halt at the edge, just in time to see him hit the water. I froze for just an instant, watching the white bubbles well up where Josh had gone in, then slowly smooth over. That's when instinct took over. I knew that the far side of the quarry and the only way down to the water was at least a half-mile away. I also knew that Josh had less than four minutes to live... if he was still alive.

I started kicking off my shoes and pulling my t-shirt over my head. Jenny was just gripping the fence and saying "Oh my god," over and over again. At least until she noticed me stripping. "Terry, what are you doing!?" she shouted.

"Run back to the VP and call 911 Jenny. Now," I ordered, a lot calmer than I felt as I peeled my socks off.

"What are you going to do Terry?! You can't jump from up here!" she screamed.

"Yes, I can. GO!" I said. "NOW!" I shouted when I saw she wasn't moving. Jenny has known me for a long time, and she knew when I get like that nothing she says will stop me from whatever I'm doing. As soon as she turned and started running, I moved back to the edge of the pit. The water was almost calm again, and I couldn't see Josh anywhere. My jeans were going to be a bitch seconds after I hit the water, but I didn't have time to take them off. I stepped up with my toes over the edge, arms at my side. My eyes closed and I took two long, deep breaths. Then I dove.

*** End of Part 1 ***

Part two will be along in a week. It's been written, but I felt the need for a break here (yes, I'm playing mind games with you, dear readers :). Feedback is, as always, welcome. Some responses to Midwest Dreams got me to think about characters in ways I had never considered before, and I am ever grateful (in fact, I keep them with the story). Flames will be ignored, personal responses given the utmost effort as long as is possible. ghost397@hotmail.com