This is a work of total fiction. The characters portrayed here come only from my mind (and whatever lies beyond). This work contains (or will) sexually explicit passages between minors of same and differing sex. If that isn't for you, if this material is considered illegal in your place of residence, or if you are under that arbitrary age people seem to think is when we are ready to be exposed to sexuality, you are to turn back now or delete this file if you've managed to get it on your hard drive (and in the future you really ought to be more careful what you download!).
That was the standard disclaimer. The rest of this is anything but. The sex (at least the erotic kind) will come later than these first two parts. If you're looking for a quick fix, look elsewhere and come back when you're not so... focused. ;) This story is about love, friendship, acceptance, and the struggle for identity. It deals with extremely difficult topics, such as suicide and rape. I can only hope that it is at least fractionally as hard/emotional for you to read as it was for me to write, because that means I have succeeded as a writer. You have been warned.
- To all of those who fought the battle and won, and for those of us who won't make it.
Part 2 - Recovery
There was a low murmur of noise coming from the hall, but the hospital room was quiet and dark. Only a dim light over the head of the bed was on, giving off a warm yellow glow. I sat in a chair in the opposite corner of the room, watching Josh's chest slowly rising and falling. His face was so calm and peaceful. It was dark outside, nearly ten at night. Six hours since I had dove off a thirty-foot cliff into the quarry after Josh. I still couldn't believe I had done it. I couldn't believe HE had done it. I've been depressed before, even thought about suicide, but I had never been so bad I would actually try it. Watching his peaceful face, I couldn't imagine what kind of pain he must have been feeling to try to kill himself. I knew there had to be more going on than I was aware of; kids were accused of being gay all the time, sometimes jokingly and sometimes insultingly, but no one ever reacted like this. Even if it was true. Usually they just got pissed and it started a fight.
Josh and I were the only ones in the room, as there was no one in the other bed and our parents had gone down to the cafeteria to get something to eat half an hour before. They had shown up at the hospital at about the same time, and I guessed the police must have contacted both of them. Jenny had been here for a while as well, but had to go home because of school the next day. When my parents had tried to take me home I refused, insisting that I needed to be there when Josh woke up. They hadn't put up much of an argument, even letting me out of school if I needed it. I hadn't said much, at least not after having gone over what had happened half a dozen times.
Truth is I was kind of fuzzy on a lot of it myself. I didn't remember much of anything from the time I had jumped until my parents showed up in the waiting room. Just bits and pieces; hauling Josh onto the beach and finding he wasn't breathing, giving him mouth to mouth and some paramedic kneeling beside me right as Josh started breathing again. They tried to check me out, but I told them I was fine. They still insisted I go to the hospital, which was fine with me because I wasn't about to let Josh ride off in that ambulance without me right beside him. I wasn't sure where this sudden feeling of closeness had come from. Guilt maybe, that I had somehow caused it to happen; concern, because you can't watch someone do something like that and not get connected to them; and there was something else. Call me a sap, but I've always been a caring kind of guy to those who are worth it, and I knew Josh really needed a friend right now. And I wanted to be that friend.
Besides, there were the police. They had been waiting for me when we got to the hospital, and no sooner had they taken Josh away and not let me follow than the police were asking me questions. I told them that he had been taking a shortcut home through the quarry and tripped, and that Jenny and I had happened to see him fall. Josh didn't need all of the shit that people knowing it had been a suicide attempt was going to bring down. He needed help, not more trouble. When he woke up (and he would wake up, I refused to let myself think otherwise) I would make sure he told his parents, or I would myself. But we didn't need to involve anyone else right now. Of course, the police were very curious about this explanation, since Jenny had said he jumped when she called 911. I told them she was mistaken, and probably didn't see what really happened because of where she had been standing.
When Jenny showed up at the hospital she ran over and hugged me, almost choking me. The police were quick to try to get her away and get a statement, but not before I told one of the officers again that Josh had tripped and fell, loud enough I was sure Jenny could hear me. I knew she'd pick up on it, and she did. She ended up telling them that she had thought Josh jumped but she wasn't sure, he could have tripped. It had all happened so fast... They weren't happy and I knew they weren't buying it, but they knew we weren't going to change our stories either. Which left Josh himself as the only other person who knew what really happened, and I was going to be there before the police too. That's when my parents showed up. My mom even had a change of clothes. I guess they had told her that I was fine, just wet and maybe in a little shock. Of course, you wouldn't have known I was fine by the way she was acting. It was Jenny all over again, and when my mom finally let me go (probably having little to do with my protests) I went to put on the dry clothes. The stupid wool blanket I had been wrapped in to that point was starting to drive me nuts.
When I came back from changing in the bathroom Josh's parents were there, franticly interrogating the police and Jenny. The doctor came out about the same time I walked up, and we all gathered around her. She said Josh would be fine, and there were the expected sighs of relief and 'oh thank God's. He had been conscious for a few moments and then passed out again, but all the x-rays and tests said there was nothing wrong other than a mild concussion. They were going to keep him overnight for observation and we could see him in a few minutes, but he was still unconscious. She noticed I was holding a wet pair of jeans and said, "Your friend is very lucky you happened to be right there. He almost drowned. That was a very foolish, but very brave thing you did. Even if you are on the swim team." Then she walked off and I had to go through the whole thing again a couple of times for both sets of parents.
Josh's parents went in to see him while Jenny and I waited outside, talking to mine. My dad was proud of me and my mom was the same, if a little angry.
Jenny was still a little freaked out; she thought for sure I was going to kill myself diving from up there. Gradually she just got mad, and swore she'd never speak to me if I ever did anything like that again. After a while Jenny and I went in for a little bit, and I asked Josh's parents if they would mind if I stayed. They said of course not, that they couldn't thank me enough. My dad took Jenny home around six because her parents wouldn't let her stay. My mom stayed and talked to Josh's parents, getting to know them I guess. Meanwhile I took up my seat in the corner, getting up only to go to the bathroom a couple of times. Eventually my mom had managed to convince Josh's parents to go down to the cafeteria and let her get them something to eat. Then she was going to go home after bringing something up for me, coming by in the morning to check on things before going to work.
Which brings me back to the present; sitting here half in the dark, reliving the last few weeks over again in my mind, trying to figure out what I had missed and where. At some point the TV had been turned on, and when everyone else left I had turned it to MTV though I kept it down low. I just couldn't stand the complete silence. Well, not complete, I guess it was just that 'hospital silence'. I closed my eyes for a moment, resting, and when I opened them I found Josh awake and looking at me. For a moment we just stared at each other.
"Hey, you're finally awake," I said, breaking the silence and getting up to stand beside his bed.
"So I'm not dead then," he said. His voice was somewhat hoarse, and I wasn't sure if he sounded disappointed or just tired.
"Nope, alive and kicking. Or lying in bed anyway," I cracked. Just then our parents came back in. I glanced over my shoulder and said, "He just woke up," then turned back to Josh. "Do you know where you are Josh?" He started to answer but I barely paused long enough to give him a chance as his mom rushed around the corner of the bed. "You're in the hospital. You tripped and fell into the quarry trying to cut through it, and almost drown," I continued, backing out of the way. I made sure to keep eye contact with him for a moment longer, then turned and went out to meet my mom in the hall where she had gone to get a nurse. The nurse came out a few minutes later, telling us he was fine. My mom decided to stick around a little bit longer, and we stood out in the hall talking while I ate the sandwich she'd brought back.
After about twenty minutes, Josh's parents came back out and said that he wanted to talk to me alone. His mom just smiled, but his dad gave me this funny look. I pretended not to notice and went in to find him staring out the window. He looked over at me for a moment, then turned back to the window. I moved to the foot of the bed and sat down on the edge. "So, feeling any better now?" I asked when it looked like he wasn't going to say anything.
"Why didn't you tell them what really happened?" he said after a moment.
"Because I knew you didn't need the kind of attention that would bring right now."
"It's not like I won't have half the school's attention anyway now." He paused. "But thanks."
"You're welcome. But you are going to tell them eventually. That or I will." He looked at me for a minute, then back out the window. "Besides, I don't know exactly what happened, and I can't very well tell them something I don't know." When he didn't say anything, I went on. "All I know is that Tommy called you a fag at school and you took off. Then when Jenny and I caught up with you, you wouldn't talk to us, deciding to jump off a cliff instead." I paused, waiting for him to answer. "So, you want to explain to me what happened Josh?" I asked when he didn't.
"Because I am Terry. I'm a fag, and I have a huge crush on you, and I still can't figure out why you risked your life to save me," he finally said.
"Yeah, you said you were gay before you jumped. But I still haven't heard a reason for killing yourself."
"What, that's not enough?" he said, bitterly.
"Maybe it could be. But I don't think so." He wasn't telling me everything. I knew there had to be something else as well. "Why don't you start at the beginning," I said softly.
Josh hesitated before saying, "Why not? It's not like you don't already know the worst of it." He looked back out the window before he started as I folded my legs up under me and sat back against the foot of the bed, noticing my mom still talking to his parents out in the hall, looking in occasionally. "It started... hell, I don't remember when it started," Josh began. He stopped and seemed to be re-gathering his thoughts. "Back in Florida my best friend's name was Jared. We'd met in fourth grade and been inseparable after that. We did everything together. Surfing, playing on the same sports teams, even double dating later on." He paused for a minute, taking a deep breath before going on.
"We did other things together too. Like jerking off. It just happened one day when we were twelve. We'd been comparing sizes when he reached over and grabbed mine. Said I was stretching it or something." Josh laughed nervously. "One thing led to another, and pretty soon we were playing with each other at least once a week. After a while we even started sucking each other. We were kids and it felt good. We didn't know any better, and we never connected what we were doing with being gay and fags. Even after we learned, we still said what we were doing was different." Josh sounded like he was trying to justify what he had done with his friend, not so much to me as to himself.
He glanced at me, I imagine to see if I had a disgusted look on my face, then looked quickly away. Hopefully all he'd seen was a blank attentive face. I'd never known a guy who I was sure had really messed around with another guy, except maybe as part of a truth or dare game. There were always rumors, of course. I'd actually never really thought hard about it, but now that I was listening to Josh spill his guts the idea didn't seem so weird. He seemed like any other normal kid I knew. Would I have done the same things if my best friend had been a guy instead of Jenny? After all, look at the things Jenny and I had done. I even thought back to the times Jenny and I had talked about screwing around with the same sex, wondering what it would be like. Josh continued, though he wouldn't look at me again.
"It was like that for a couple of years. Sometimes we'd double date and get all worked up, and then when we got home, since the girls wouldn't do anything but kiss and maybe let us feel them up, we'd suck each other off. Other times we'd just be staying over night somewhere, camping maybe, and something would get us started, talking about girls or seeing some chick on the beach while surfing. Hell, we even did it one time right on the beach just after sunset. I just loved the way it felt, lying in the sand with my hands on his back or something and his mouth on me like that... None of our girlfriends would ever go that far.
"All of a sudden at the beginning of last year Jared stopped wanting to do it. At first I thought it was just that he'd gotten a girlfriend who would actually go down on him. But that wasn't it, because I know he would have told me. He just... changed. I couldn't figure out why or how. We started drifting apart. We still hung out sometimes, but he started spending more time with other guys on the team, and I started getting left out. One day towards the end of the fall season, he just said he didn't think we should hang out anymore. He wouldn't tell me why. We hardly spoke after that, didn't see each other all Christmas break. I tried hanging out more with some of my other friends, but I missed Jared. None of my other friends were anywhere near as close as we had been. And I missed messing around with him too. That's when I first started realizing I was gay, though I wouldn't admit it to myself. In the spring we both were on the track team, just like always, but he hardly said a word to me unless we were working the same event. I tried to blow it off and even act the same way, but I knew I wasn't very convincing.
"Then, two days before our last big meet of the season, Jared came up to me in the locker room after practice. It was kind of late, and I'd had to stay even later to run laps for being late to practice. I thought we were the last ones in the locker room, and the coach was in his office working. I was starting to dress after showering when Jared came over and sat down beside me. I tried to pretend like he wasn't even there at first. 'Hey,' he finally said. 'Hey,' I said back. After a moment, he went on. 'Listen man, I'm sorry about the way I've been acting lately. I just got weirded out I guess.' I looked up at him and couldn't believe what I was hearing; I'd heard the words in my head so many times when I tried to figure out what had happened. 'Hey, that's ok Jared. It happens. I've missed hanging out with you though.' 'Me too,' he told me. God, I still can't believe he did that to me after looking me in the face like that." Josh choked up for a minute, and I saw a tear run down his cheek.
"Anyway, we talked for a little bit as I finished getting dressed, and then Jared goes, 'You still think about... screwing around like we used to?' I hesitated for a minute, because I thought that's what had split us up in the first place. But his just mentioning it was giving me a hard on. 'Yeah,' I'd finally said. He grinned at me and asked if I wanted to do right then. 'Here?!' I said, not believing my ears. He just smiled at me and unbuttoned his fly. 'You do me first since you're down there.' I was so fucking happy. Things were going right back to normal, just the way they'd always been. I didn't even stop to think about how sudden the change was." Josh's voice was dripping with bitterness now. "Just opened up Jared's fly, took it out and started kissing his dick to get him hard. Didn't take long, he was halfway there already. Then I went down on him like some of our wildest times. He just stood there looking down at me and smiling. I don't know exactly how long it went on, probably shorter than it seemed. I closed my eyes when he came and just swallowed it all. We'd done it to each other before, and I figured it'd save a mess." This time Josh didn't even glance in my general direction to gauge my reaction.
"I held him there in my mouth for a moment, then let him go. I was getting ready to switch with him when I noticed Jared was still smiling, but he wasn't looking at me anymore. He was looking behind me. I froze, too scared to turn around. 'See guys, I told you he'd do it!' he said to whoever was back there. My whole world fell apart right then. I was in shock." Josh's voice started breaking up again, but he went on. "There were three of them, other guys on the track team. One was even sort of my friend. They'd been watching the whole time. Jared had set me up. They came forward and surrounded me, then one of them said, 'I guess you were right Jared. And if he didn't mind doing you, he sure won't mind doing us, now will he?' I almost threw up right then." Josh was flat out crying now.
"I can still hear their voices and the sound of the first guy unzipping his fly. All of them laughing... They made me suck each of them off..." Josh's voice finally gave out and he started sobbing.
I got up and moved to Josh's end of the bed, sliding onto the edge, putting my arm around his shoulders, and pulling him close to me. He just put his head on my chest and kept crying. His mom heard him and came in, looking at me, confused. I just shook my head at her and mouthed the words 'It's okay.' She smiled, still looking a little confused, and went back out into the hall. I held Josh like that for several minutes, quietly telling him to let it out. I thought of the times when I had done the same for Jenny, and she had for me. Now I understood why Josh had done what he did. When you let that much pain out, the only thing that really helps is contact with another person. It had been a while since I'd held someone like that, and I'd forgotten what the warmth felt like. I'd also forgotten how damp one's shirt can get.
Eventually Josh regained some of his composure and started to sit back up, but I continued to hold him. I guess that's what he was hoping for, because he didn't try very hard to get up. He went on with his story, his voice getting steadier. "I guess the coach must have heard something, because he came in and caught us all there. He took us down to the office and called our parents. I was so humiliated. My parents didn't say much at first. They took me home and I cried myself to sleep after locking myself in my room. And of course two days later it was all over the school, especially since none of us could go to the meet and our team ended up losing. I lost what few friends I had other than Jared, and I couldn't even look at him. I was so angry, but that burnt out and turned to humiliation every time I actually saw him. I couldn't take it anymore. Eventually my parents talked to me about the whole thing, and I told them what had happened. Just that day though, not anything with Jared before. I said that they had forced me from the start. Dad had been given an option for a promotion and a transfer, and he took it. They figured I just had to get away from there so I could be normal and get on with my life."
"It's not your fault Josh. Maybe he was your best friend before, but he wasn't then. No friend would ever do that to a person. Jared tricked you and they forced you to do something you didn't want to do..." I started.
"You don't understand Terry, I DID want to do it," he said, upset but trying to keep his voice down as he raised his head to look at me. "If Jared hadn't tricked me like that and they hadn't forced me, I would have probably been willing. And even though they did, it still turned me on somewhere in the back of my head. I was so disgusted with myself for that. I thought maybe my parents were right, all I had to do was get away. Then I get here and what happens? I get a crush on you. And can I hide it? No, of course not. I sit there and stare at you, and Tom goes and... And it's the same fucking thing all over again. I tried Terry, I really tried. I just want to be normal. I tried thinking about Jenny. I KNOW she's attractive. But even at the quarry when I sat and talked to her in that swimsuit, the whole time I was still looking at YOU. Why did you have to save me Terry? Why couldn't you just let me drown?"
I grabbed Josh's shoulders and pulled him up to face me. "Josh, that is not the answer. No matter what you think, no matter how bad it gets, its never that bad. I may have only known you for a few weeks here, but I could no more let you do it than I could Jenny." He looked down at the bed. "You want to know why Tommy did what he did? Because he was jealous of you."
"Yeah, right. For what?"
"Because Jenny is interested in you, and he wants her. He did it so Jenny would forget about you and he could move in on her."
"It doesn't matter, he was right. I'm a fag. And now everyone knows it. I can't go back to that school. I can't go through all that again."
"Look at me Josh. LOOK at me." I waited until he finally did, looking him straight in the eye. "You don't have to. When you go back to that school, no one, and I mean NO ONE, is going to give you any trouble about being gay.
I promise you. I can't guarantee that some won't talk behind your back, but no one is going to give you shit like they did in Florida. I'll make sure of that." I already knew it was going to make some waves and would probably cost me a few friends, but I had already decided that Josh was my friend, and anyone who had a problem with him just because he was gay I could afford to lose.
"You mean you don't care if I'm gay?"
"I'm sitting in bed with my arms around you. Do I look like I care?" I said, smiling.
Josh gave a weak smile, the first I'd seen since he woke up, and sort of laughed. "No, I guess not."
"Damn straight... err..." I grinned. Then he really did laugh. "Now that's better." I let him go and sat back a little. There was a momentary silence as we looked at each other. I realized there was one issue we hadn't discussed yet; the fact that I was the one Josh had the crush on. I hadn't had time to think about that one, things had all happened so fast. I wasn't sure how I felt about it or what it meant to me. I think it was on his mind as well, if his next comment was any indication.
"My parents told me I wasn't breathing when you pulled me out and you had to give me mouth to mouth," he said a little hesitantly, again looking away.
"Well, yeah. Why?" I asked.
He laughed, trying to cover his nervousness, and leaned back again. "Well, I was just thinking how much it sucks that my first kiss with a guy I really like and I have to go and be unconscious." I knew there was a question buried in that, one that Josh either didn't feel he could or wanted to risk.
I don't know exactly why or what made me do it, but after just a heartbeat's pause, I leaned forward and kissed Josh square on the lips. It was kind of strange, kissing another guy, and hard to describe. I mean it was a kiss, but it was different than with a girl. Firmer I guess. I could taste the salt of tears on his lips. I even brushed his lips and teeth with my tongue; I tasted something like cinnamon. And then I broke it and leaned back, just looking at him. His face was a cross between confused and hopeful, with a trace of smile still left.
"Don't take that as anything more than it was. An expression of friendship... and a possibility. One thing, one step at a time, ok?" I said.
"Ok." He looked away, his face a little red. "Listen, I know this is going to sound stupid, but do you think you could stay here with me tonight?
I mean, I know my parents are here, but..."
"Don't worry about it Josh, I was planning to anyway. I'll be right back."
I got up and went out into the hall. My mom was still there talking to Josh's. I guess his dad had gone home. I went up to them. "I know you don't know me all that well, but Josh would like me to stay here with him tonight. I think he really needs a friend right now."
"Of course you can. We can take you home tomorrow when Josh is released. I can't thank you enough for all that you've done for him already."
I said goodnight to my mom, and she headed home. It was almost one in the morning. I went back into the room and went to the bathroom, then rejoined Josh. He moved over a little and I lay down next to him, propped up against the head of the bed. I put my arm around him and he rested his head on my chest. It felt really nice to be needed like that by someone.
"Thank you," he said. "For everything."
"You're welcome," I replied, rubbing his shoulder.
The TV was still on, and a Sarah McLachlan video was just starting on MTV. I know it might sound arrogant on my part, but I don't think I could have picked a better song to come on right at that moment. Josh kind of laughed when he saw what it was, so I knew he thought so as well. He was asleep before it was over. After the day I'd just been through, listening to his breathing, and with the warm weight of him against me, I wasn't far behind.
"you spend all your time waiting for that second chance for a break that would make it ok there's always some reason to feel not good enough and it's hard at the end of the day I need some distraction, oh beautiful release memories seep from my veins let me be empty, oh and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight
in the arms of the angel, fly away from here from this dark cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear you are pulled from the wreckage, of your silent reverie you're in the arms of the angel, may you find some comfort here
so tired of the straight life, and everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back the storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies that you make up for all that you lack it don't make no difference, escaping one last time it's easier to believe in this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
in the arms of the angel, fly away from here from this dark cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear you are pulled from the wreckage, of your silent reverie you're in the arms of the angel, may you find some comfort here
you're in the arms of the angel, may you find some comfort here"
Angel - Sarah McLachlan
I woke early the next morning when the doctor came in to check on Josh. I went to the bathroom while she did, and when I came out I found my mom there. I told her he was doing well, but there were some things he was probably going to need my help with later in the afternoon. She gave me a strange look, and since I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it from her indefinitely, I told her that Josh had really jumped, not tripped. At first she was a little shocked, but then she got upset with me for lying, both to the police and Josh's parents. So I explained to her why I had lied, and how that was why I needed to be there that afternoon. She asked if I knew why he had done it, but all I was willing to tell her is that it had to do with why they had moved. "It's not my place to tell you. This is between him and his parents, I just happened to get dragged into it I guess. He really needs a friend right now, and that's me."
Being a mother, she of course made me assure her that it didn't have anything to do with me and I wasn't in any kind of trouble. Then she left for work and I went back into Josh's room. The doctor was just finishing up. "Well, everything looks fine, but just make sure you take it easy for the next couple of days," she said. Josh's dad went down to get their car while his mom went to sign him out. I sat on the bed while he got up to dress. He about fell over when he first got up, but insisted it was just a head rush. After all, the doctor had just cleared him. I looked away while he pulled on his jeans.
"Josh, I want you to tell your parents what really happened today," I said.
"But they'll..." he started.
"But nothing. They need to know. They have a right to know, and you're better off getting it done and over with now. The longer you wait to do it, the harder it will be and the harder on you it will be trying to keep it from them. You don't need that," I insisted, looking back at him. If I'd only had a camera. Jenny would have killed for a shot of him right then, hair hanging half over his eyes, smooth tan chest and stomach showing through the sides of the hospital gown. I wasn't sure I wanted to admit it to myself, but I was beginning to find him more and more attractive. He had stopped dressing and was looking at me.
"I can't do it Terry," he said, looking away and reaching for his shirt.
"Look, I'll be right there with you the whole time. I'm not going to bail on you."
"I just can't tell them I'm gay."
"You don't have to tell them everything all at once. Just what happened yesterday and why."
"But that is why..."
"No it isn't," I interrupted. "It's part of it, but it's not all." Just then his mom walked back in. "Just trust me, ok?" I said, lowering my voice.
"Alright."
"Are you ready to go Josh?" his mom asked.
"Yeah mom. I just want to go home."
"There's a wheel chair in the hall waiting for you, and your dad should have the car pulled up by the time we get downstairs."
"I can walk," Josh protested.
"Sorry bud, nobody walks out of a hospital stay. It's a law," I said, grinning. He weakly protested all the way out the door, but he did get in the chair. I pushed him downstairs and out to the car, and we got in and his dad drove to their house.
"We can't thank you enough for everything you've done for Josh," he said.
"Dad..." Josh said, looking embarrassed.
"What Josh? He saved your life and you should be very grateful that he did. You're lucky he was there to see you fall in." Josh just looked at me and got quiet.
"He's already thanked me. I just did what I hope anyone would do in a situation like that," I said, covering for him. The car is not a place to have certain conversations.
"Well 'anyone' probably wouldn't have jumped in after him," Josh's dad countered. "And we'd like to really meet Jenny so we can thank her too, since we didn't have a chance a the hospital. If she hadn't gone to call for an ambulance you both might have died."
"I'll make sure she comes by sometime soon," I replied.
The rest of the short ride was quiet. When we got to their house his mom led us inside and made Josh sit on the couch, insisting that the doctor meant rest when she said it. "You can watch a movie or something this afternoon. Do you boys want anything?" his mom asked.
"Uh, actually a glass of ice water would be nice," I answered. She went to get it and I sat back on the couch next to Josh. He hadn't said anything since shortly after leaving the hospital. I could tell he was nervous. In fact, when I looked closer I saw that he was actually shaking. I put my hand on his shoulder and he jumped, then looked over at me. "It'll be fine Josh. Come on, you said you'd trust me. Just don't panic, because you know they're your parents and they ARE going to," I cracked. He smiled weakly and nodded.
His mom came back with the water and handed it to me. I thanked her as his dad came in from the garage. "If you guys don't need me, I think I'm going to go in to the office and try to get some work done this afternoon," he said, looking from Josh to his wife.
"Actually," I spoke up, knowing Josh was going to need a little prodding to get started, "there's something Josh needs to tell to you about. It might take a while, so you may want to sit down." His parents sat down on the sofa across from us, looking puzzled. "You see, I wasn't completely honest when I told you and the police what happened yesterday." Josh looked down at the floor. I put my hand back on his shoulder and gave it a light squeeze.
"Josh?" his mom prompted.
"I didn't trip," he finally said, his voice barely a whisper and still looking at the floor.
"What? Speak up Josh," his dad said.
Josh took a deep breath before looking up at them. "I said I didn't trip yesterday when I fell into the quarry. I jumped," he repeated flatly.
"What!?" his mom cried.
"But why would you do something like that Josh?" his dad asked.
"Because things aren't any different here. It's happening all over again."
Josh started to cry, and I tightened my grip on his shoulder for a moment.
"I don't understand Josh, what's happening all over again?" his mom asked, close to tears herself. Josh couldn't answer, so I did for him.
"Yesterday, just after seventh period let out, another guy in our chemistry class called him a fag in the hallway. When I tried to get him to back off by asking him what he was talking about, the kid just shouted it even louder. A lot of people heard him."
"Oh Josh I'm so sorry. I told you we should have taken him to see someone after what those boys made him do," she started, turning to her husband. Then she seemed to realize what she had just said and looked at me.
"It's okay dear, he knows. Don't you Terry?" Josh's father said. He'd been watching me since Josh had started crying again. Even though he was obviously upset, he hadn't seemed surprised when Josh had said he jumped. I remembered the look he had given me the night before when Josh asked to speak with me alone.
"Yes. He told me last night. That's what he was crying about when you came in," I said, looking at his mom. I handed Josh the glass of water and he took a drink, getting his voice back.
"All I could think of was how everyone was turning to stare at me, just like back home," he went on. "I couldn't go through that again, so I just started running. When I started past the quarry on the way home, I just... I didn't think about it, I just walked to the edge. Terry came up and tried to stop me, but I wouldn't listen to him."
"I didn't think the police or anyone else needed to know," I said, looking at his dad. "I decided that if he didn't tell you himself a little later, then I would."
Josh's mom came over and hugged him while he cried a little more. I was suddenly uncomfortable and moved towards the end of the couch, but I knew I still needed to be there. We all just sat like that for a while until Josh's dad finally got up and came over to us. "Thank you, yet again. I don't know if you should have lied to the police like that, and I certainly don't think you should have to us, but I understand why you did it," he said to me. "I'm just glad that you didn't try to keep it a secret. Come on dear, let's leave them alone for a while. I think we need to go talk." His parents got up and went to the back of the house, and Josh just sat there. I put my arm around his shoulders and held him against me yet again.
"You know, I can't believe you're not sick of me leaning on you and crying all over your shirt," he joked after a couple of minutes.
"Well you know how the song goes, 'lean on me when you're not strong, because some day I might need someone to lean on'," I answered. "Besides, I don't mind."
We spent the rest of the afternoon sitting on that couch, either watching TV or playing cards. His mom made us lunch, which we both practically inhaled since we hadn't had any breakfast. All she said was that at least he still had his appetite. Around five or so I decided it was time for me to go. I did have to go to school the next day after all. I gave Josh a hug and promised that I'd be by first thing tomorrow after school. With his homework, I added when I saw his mom standing there. We all laughed and his dad insisted on driving me home, even though I said it wasn't far and I could walk. Turned out he actually wanted talk to me alone.
"Josh's mom and I were talking about things this afternoon. We were trying to decide if we should take him to a... counselor. I think you know how he's feeling a little better than we do right now, so I wondered what you thought."
I considered carefully for a moment before answering. "I'm not a psychiatrist. I don't know if he needs to see a professional or not, but I know that the teachers and counselor at school would say he does. I guess I'd have to agree with them, but I think it needs to be his call. Give him the choice, or at least tell him you want him to see someone at least a couple of times and let him pick when. There are still some things he hasn't told you yet that he's trying to figure out how to deal with. I want to help him, but they're things he ultimately has to do on his own."
"You don't think he'll try again do you?" he asked, concerned.
"No, I don't. He didn't have anyone to talk to, I think that's why he did what he did. But I made sure he knows that I'm going to be here for him. And so will Jenny. And I think he'll talk to you as well."
"I don't suppose you'd be willing to tell me what else it is he's trying to deal with."
"I'm sorry, I can't. That's for him to do, not me."
"I didn't think so. I want to thank you again for everything you've done for Josh. Everything you're doing. I'm starting to wonder if moving away from the problem was the right thing to do."
"Josh is my friend. I may not have known him very long, but I do know he is my friend, and I would do these kinds of things for any of my friends."
"You're a good man Terry. But what about when he goes back to school on Monday? I want you to give me this other boy's name so I can talk to the principal."
"That won't be necessary. I'll take care of it myself. Nobody is going to bother Josh when he comes back. I promised him that."
"Now I don't want you getting in a fight with someone for Josh's sake..." he started.
"It won't come to that. I'm not a person to start fights."
"I guess I'll have to trust you. I think you've proved I can do that, though I do want you to promise me you won't lie to Josh's mom or me again."
I did, and he went on. "But if you can't handle this I want you to promise me you'll let me know who it is so I can take care of it. You may be his friend, but I'm Josh's father."
"I will. But I'm sure it won't come to that. This is my house right here," I said, pointing. He pulled into the driveway and I got out.
"Thanks again Terry."
I waved and went inside to get ready for school. I was still trying to figure out just how I was going to deal with Tommy and be able to keep my word to Josh and his dad.
I went back to school the next day, Wednesday morning. Josh was going to stay out until the next week. I guess the generalities of what had happened were all over the school now, because nobody said anything to me or asked where I had been the day before. My mom had called in to excuse my absence, so none of the teachers said anything either. I did get a few strange looks though, like people wanted to ask me about what happened, and I could feel eyes on me when I wasn't looking all day. I had talked to Jenny the night before and she told me that a few people had found out that I had pulled Josh out of the quarry and he was in the hospital, but they didn't know any more than that. Well, the incident in the hallway with Tommy was everywhere too.
I didn't say anything to Tommy in homeroom. By talking with a couple of other people to see what I had missed the day before I managed to avoid it. However, he did catch up with me after chemistry. I wasn't sure how to handle it, because I didn't want to cause a scene but I was still really pissed at him.
"Terry, wait up a second," he said, putting his hand on my shoulder. I stopped and turned around to face him. "Where were you yesterday? I heard about Josh. Hope he's okay. I also heard what you did, and that took some balls man. Did they keep you in the hospital too or something?"
"No. Josh is fine. He had to stay that night and he went home yesterday. I stayed with him the whole time," I replied, my voice tight but trying to be civil.
"Oh." He paused, then stepped closer and lowered his voice. "So, did he admit it or anything?"
That did it. I didn't care if I caused trouble or not. All the rage I felt on Monday, from when I figured out why Tommy was after Josh and when Josh told me what had happened to him in Florida, all came flooding back. I grabbed Tommy and threw him back against the lockers, stepping into him and putting my arm across his throat. He looked startled, or I'm sure he could have gotten out of it with a little effort. I didn't give him a chance. I put my face right up in his, our noses almost touching.
"Josh nearly fucking died, and you're the one who caused it. Don't ever forget that," I said through clenched teeth. A little too late I realized I had probably said more than I should have, but I kept going anyway. There was a quickening wave of silence and stillness spreading out away from us as people turned to look. I began to raise my voice. "You called Josh a fag, just because you caught him staring at me a lot. So that makes him gay, does it? What about all those times I've seen you checking guys out in the locker room, during PE or a practice? Myself included. Does that make you a fag, TOM? Does it? How about if I kissed you right now, right here in front of all these people?" I was still right in his face, and for a second he looked worried I might actually do it. I considered it for a heartbeat, but then just decided to go on. "Would that make me a fag? Even though you know I've been going out with girls longer than you, and probably had sex with more of them too. I guess that I could just be doing that to hide it though couldn't I? And what about you, if I kissed you right now... Would it make you one, Tom?
"And you know what? So what if Josh is gay! Why the fuck should it matter to you? Just because he might like guys instead of girls doesn't make him any different than you. If he hits on you, and god only knows why he would, all you have to do is say 'Sorry, I'm not interested,' just like Jenny blew you off. Unless of course you're afraid he's going to try to jump you or something, and you might not be able to fend him off. Or worse yet, you might like it." I heard someone laugh behind me and decided this was the perfect opportunity to let everyone else know it. I shoved off of Tommy and spun around. "What, you think that's funny?" I said, looking back and forth, not sure who it was but addressing everyone anyway. There was a bit of a crowd now, even larger than had been there Monday afternoon.
"That goes for the rest of you as well. Even if Tom here was gay, that's no reason for you to treat him any differently. Josh is going to be back here on Monday. If anybody gives him any shit about anything, I will personally find you and give you an attitude adjustment. You don't know him, you don't know what happened, and as far as you're concerned nothing did." I turned back to Tommy, who was still leaning against the lockers. I dropped my voice again to a level only he would hear. "And as for you, the only two words I ever want to hear you say to him is 'I'm sorry,' and only when you really mean it," I hissed. I could tell he was getting pissed and recovering from his surprise, but he wasn't about to say anything.
Apparently I'd gotten a little loud at some point, because Mr. Morarty walked out of his classroom right then, and stopped looking at the two of us. "Is there a problem here gentlemen?" he asked.
"There was sir, but I think it's been solved," I replied, still looking at Tommy. There was a moment's pause as Morarty turned to look at him as well.
"No problem here," Tommy said.
"Then let's keep it down a little, shall we?" Morarty said, turning to go back into his classroom. I looked at Tommy a little longer, then turned and pushed my way through the crowd, which had already started to break up anyway.
*** End of Part 2 ***
Thanks to all who wrote about part one. Rather than respond individually I figured I'd just put it here since the majority of you said the same thing: It was good (understatement in some cases :) and you couldn't wait for part two. Hope it lived up to your expectations. A couple of people requested I email them part two, but I'm afraid I can't. For one, I don't have time to send out individual copies of stuff or get into a list-serve or whatever to do it for me. And then there's the whole issue of legal things. Sorry, but you'll just have to watch for it on Nifty. :)
Part three will be ready next week, I hope. I'm going to work on it tonight, but I'm also really busy with school, so I might not get it done. Just be ready for what may be a surprise twist when it does get here. Feedback is, as always, welcome. Flames will be ignored, personal responses given the utmost effort as long as possible. ghost397@hotmail.com