"The alex series" book 2: Sweet Subjugation
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Chapter 15. Moving on?
He drags himself to his room where Michael is typing a paper.
"Why are you back so soon? Oh my goodness, Brandon, you look crushed and defeated." Michael rushes to him and embraces him, but he jumps back wincing, for his back still hurts. "Whipped," he explains, "both body and mind, and I can't say anything else right now or I will lose it completely." He throws himself face down on his bed and Michael goes to him and sits on the floor so he can face Brandon eye to eye. "Michael, I ruined it. I freaked out and I ruined it. He sent me away and it is breaking my heart."
"Brandon, you don't need to tell me what happened right now, but I saw the way He looked at you when He was here, and I can't believe that those feelings would simply disappear into the air like a puff of smoke. Maybe you just need to step back a bit, and that is what you are doing. Baby I can see how much you are hurting and I am here for you. I'll help you get through this."
Again tears fall from Brandon's eyes and he is amazed that there are still tears left in him after so much grieving. Through his tears, he smiles at his roommate and friend and he is glad that he does not have to be alone right now.
His phone dings and he knows that Justin has sent the message he promised to send. This reassures him that all isn't completely lost. Not yet.
"Should you be naked right now, Brandon?" Michael asks. "Do you need me to help you strip?"
"No, I don't think that matters any more. He has released me from His rules. I'm nothing but just a sweet boy now and I guess I have to start all over. Maybe He isn't the One, after all. I don't know anything right now, Michael. I just wish I could sleep for the rest of the weekend."
"I'll leave you be, then," says Michael, and as he gets up from the floor, he tells Michael that Craig is taking him to lunch. He asks if he can bring anything back for Brandon to eat, but Brandon says that he won't be able to eat for a while. Michael goes back to his desk, and by the time he sits down as his laptop, Brandon is fast asleep again. He texts Craig, "Brandon is back and it looks like things didn't work out. He's in terrible shape. Would it be okay with you if we didn't go to lunch together? I'm afraid to leave him alone right now."
Craig texts back, "that's fine. Be there with your friend. Text me later and let me know how things are going. I'll bring you something to eat if you'd like."
"that would be wonderful. Maybe just a grilled cheese and a chocolate milkshake please. and thank you for understanding, Sir."
"I'll bring two of each. Maybe we can get the boy to eat something after all. I'll be there around noon. And you don't need to call me Sir when we're not actually in a scene."
"You're so good to me. Thank you. And thanks again for last night. It was wonderful."
Craig texts him a check mark and a heart. Michael goes back to writing his paper with a smile on his face. Every now and then he looks over to Brandon, but the boy hasn't moved an inch since falling asleep.
Three days later . . .
For the first time this week, Brandon is actually able to concentrate in class Tuesday without his mind constantly going back to what happened over the weekend. He had a lot of trouble writing the paper he had due today. The paper was for a special seminar for freshman English majors and the title, of all things, was "Why are you here?"
What could he say? Before he met Justin, the answer would have been easy: he is here to get an education. Of course, it wouldn't be possible to develop that answer into an entire two page paper, but after his experience last week he realized that a simplistic answer like that just wouldn't do. He realized that he wasn't here at U simply to get an academic education; there were so many other things it was important for him to explore. And dare he write an honest paper, one in which he would admit that among other things, he was here to explore his sexuality?
He made several stabs at writing the paper, but gave up on each one because he wasn't writing his truth but was only putting words on the screen which didn't even hint at what really mattered to him.
It was probably a fortuitous coincidence that his professor was so attractive that he kept imagining himself kneeling before him and begging to kiss his feet. Not only that, but it was the first time he ever had a teacher who told the class that he was gay, and that if anyone in the class was uncomfortable with that fact, a transfer to another section would easily be arranged. Needless to say, Brandon was determined to stay put.
But now the question arose: should he come out to this man? Could he write about his sexual quest and not have it seem like he was offering himself to the professor or attempting a futile attempt at seduction? The more he thought about it, the more convinced he was that he could manage to find a way to lay his cards on the table clearly without putting himself or the professor in a compromising position.
And so, he wrote about his love of learning, his love for poetry and Romantic literature, his desire to become a writer and to develop his command of the English language, and the way his thinking was being challenged, not only in his classes, but also in his relationships with others in a setting which was far more cosmopolitan and diverse than he had been exposed to, living as he had been in a small and somewhat restricting environment. And then he got to the meat of his paper: the fact that for the first time in his life he did not have to hide the fact that he was gay and able to explore "all aspects of my sexuality, especially those elements that most people would have a hard time to accept." He then mentioned that he was somewhat confused as to exactly what kind of relationship he wanted to explore, and he also mentioned that he had just recently run into a "speed bump" which caused him a great deal of pain, but that he was confident he would be able to learn from the experience and get a more realistic picture of who he was and who he hoped to become.
Enough said. He asked Michael to read his paper and Michael had a lot of good things to say about it. The two of them speculated about what the professor's reaction would be, and, much to his surprise, Michael actually encouraged him to send a copy of the paper to Justin. He had shown Michael the email he had received from Justin the day he came home, so Michael was well aware of the trials and tribulations the sweet college freshman was enduring.
Brandon had not replied to Justin's email, and promised himself that he would wait a few more days before even attempting to contact him. He kept reminding himself that he needed to "step back," and that he wasn't even close to finding out just how far back he needed to step.
Interestingly enough, since he tearfully left Justin's house on Saturday morning, he had no sexual desire whatsoever. Two attempts to masturbate, even while looking at porn, turned out to be futile. Last night, after he finished writing his paper, he did venture down to the library basement but then discovered he was relieved that no one else came into the bathroom looking for action. He then reproached himself for disobeying Justin's command to stay away from that bathroom, but then quickly realized that he was no longer obligated to do anything that Justin had ordered him to do.
No. He needed time, even though it was painful time. He felt varied emotions cascading through his mind and body. At times, he was angry with Justin for making an ultimatum. At other times, he felt he admired Justin's courage to lay the cards on the table so clearly even if it meant that they would never be able to reconcile or come to a suitable compromise. He wasn't sure that Justin was even willing to compromise, not considering what he had said and written to him on Saturday.
Only time would tell.
Meanwhile, he was happy for (and a little jealous of) Michael's promising "friendship" with Craig, who seemed to be a genuinely nice and upright fellow who had made things perfectly clear that on one level he wanted to explore a friendship with Michael while also exploring Michael's submissive nature—but only in the bedroom and only at those times. Craig was not interested in having any control over Michael's life. They were enjoying time together outside the bedroom, and this caused Brandon to realize that the Dom/sub dynamic could be limited to specific times and places and did not have to spill over into all areas of each other's lives. This was obviously quite different from the way Justin saw things, or the way, he admitted to himself, he was looking for things to be. He was more and more convinced that in his heart of hearts, he did not want there to be clearly defined boundaries between the bedroom (or dungeon) and the rest of life.
And so he handed in his paper and took a deep breath, just a bit worried that what he had to write would not be acceptable to the professor who had assigned such a banal topic. Or was it banal at all?
He had two free hours after his seminar, and finally decided to place an ad on a hook-up app especially geared for those who were interested in Dom/sub and BDSM activity. He kept it simple and to the point: "College freshman looking for someone who would be interested in working with a beginner sub." And, with Michael's help, he posted a picture of himself wearing nothing but the black boxer briefs that Justin had insisted he wear. He had originally been against posting a picture, but then thought better of it. This way, at least, if Justin or his roommates used that app they would realize he was there, and this would send a clear message to Justin that he wasn't planning to submit right away to the ultimatum Justin had given him, and on the other hand, he hoped to attract someone who would be interest by both the profile and the picture and who might come forward to take him in hand in a less intense manner.
Brandon was surprising himself that he could be so resilient and even make attempts to move on, but at the same time there was this gnawing pain in his gut as well as moments of intense longing to be naked and submitting to Justin's description of what would be awaiting him if he ever returned to that house and to Justin's dungeon. Nevertheless, he was determined not to contact Justin until his mind was a bit more settled, and like most young gay men, he thought that the pain he was experiencing could be assuaged by the very thing that bit him: more sex.
And so, he truly wished someone, anyone, would answer the ad he had placed so he could at least have a way to evaluate what Justin was asking of him in light of the "guidance" another might have to offer.
It didn't take long for him to get a few replies to his ad the day after it was posted to the Internet. One offer from a "spanking Daddy" in his early thirties accompanied by a picture of the man's hairy chest (complete turn-off); another from a town person who wanted to fuck him until he didn't even know his name any longer (he was not going to give up his virginity to a stranger); one from a man who called himself "boss," and who want him to supply a list of his turn-ons and turn-offs (possible, although he was a bit turned off by the "boss" name); and finally, a senior at U who has seen him at the rainbow table and who applauded him for exposing his body for all to see, and who looked forward to pulling down those boxers and teach him what it takes to be a good sub. He decide to answer this last offer.
The guy's name was Matt, he was an engineering major in a five-year program, he lived alone in a senior dorm, and was interested in getting to find out what would put him deeply into "sub space." They made arrangements to meet on Saturday afternoon at a coffee house downtown to chat and possibly to go back to Matt's room and get down to some mutually enjoyable canoodling.
Brandon was looking forward to this meeting, and therefore put off any attempts to contact Justin until after he had met with Matt and discovered what there was to experience with him.
-----the morning in Justin's kitchen-----
Andy comes into the kitchen and gets a cup of coffee and sits down with Justin. "Any word yet?"
"Nope. Nothing."
"Sorry to hear it, buddy, but I think you did the right thing."
"I'm starting to doubt that. Shit! This sucks! That kid nestled his way into my heart, and I don't usually let that happen."
"Yes, so this time you let it happen and look what you got as a result, dude. Why don't we go out to a club tonight and you can get yourself back on track with one of your regular faggot subs?"
"You know, I think I might take you up on it. You really think I did the right thing? I broke the kid's heart, Andy."
"It seems to me like you're the one with a broken heart, my friend. We have no idea what shape the kid is in right now other than knowing he has chosen not to contact you since you sent him off. And I probably didn't help things any, the way I treated him when he sucked me off that night."
"You treated him the way you always treat a sub I send to you, Andy. don't start blaming yourself for what went down. he said he wanted to be a slave and we believed him, and when I sent him to you after pampering him with that fake whip, you treated him the way he thought he wanted to be treated."
"Pampering him with a whip" Nice way of saying it. From what you told me, Justin, he screamed and cried and sobbed just as much as a sub does when you use a single-tail or a cat or when you cane it."
"You're right, Andy. It's all relative. The severity isn't at issue. It's the way a sub reacts that determines my satisfaction. It was so hot introducing that kid to some real pain and then . . .SHIT I have to stop thinking about it."
"You're gonna be late for class, dude. Text me later if you decide you want to come with me tonight. I think it will do you good."
"thanks, Andy. You're a good friend. See you tonight."
And with that, Justin leaves the house and heads over to campus. He's glad the politics building is on the other end of campus than the humanities building. No risk of running into the kid.
----Brandon and Matt meet-----
Matt easily recognizes Brandon from the picture he posted. He stands up and calls the boy over and when he gets to the table, Matt hands him a credit card and tells (not asks) him to go order him a Mocha and get what he wants. Without even thinking, Brandon automatically obeys, and Matt is impressed. He knew he took a chance, especially since the kid describes himself as a "beginner." Damn. If this kid is a beginner, he sure has a lot of potential.
Brandon puts in the order and pays with Matt's card. They tell him they'll bring the drinks to the table. The first thing Brandon reacts to when he goes back to the table are Matt's eyes. Deep and penetrating just the way he likes them. Maybe there's some hope here.
"I have to say I'm impressed with your ready obedience, Brandon. It's a good sign, especially in a beginner."
"I don't have much experience, but I've done a lot of reading and I try to behave the way I've learned that subs should behave. And what should I call you?"
"Matt is fine for now. And exactly how much experience do you really have in, um obeying?
"Well, usually it's when I blow a guy, I always try to do it exactly the way he tells me to. I always figure that even if the guy I'm servicing isn't really a Dom, that doesn't mean I shouldn't act like the sub I think I am."
"the sub you `think' you are?"
"I guess it's a lot more than just think, Matt. I know it's my nature and I shouldn't deny that."
"Well, Brandon, the way you obeyed my command before we even sat down tells me a lot about your nature and I'd have to agree that you shouldn't deny the fact that you are a sub, and from what you tell me, you have experience as a faggot cockcucker."
Brandon nervously looks around the room.
"Eyes back here, boy. It's not your concern how other might react to what I have to say. Let me worry about that."
"Yes, SS Um Matt."
"Drink your coffee, boy. I'd rather not have to spend much time here now that we've established the basics."
"Basics?"
"Your nature as a sub in training. Mine as a trainer. A favorite occupation of mine, Brandon. It's very much like training a puppy, only instead of a newspaper I prefer to use a riding crop to get my point across."
Brandon breathes heavily and Matt understands right away that he's dealing with a masochist in addition to everything else.
"Been beaten much, boy?"
"Only once really, Matt. A whip made of some rawhide shoelaces."
"bound?"
"Yes, to a whipping post in some guy's dungeon. He made the whip for me because I was a beginner and he didn't think I could handle any of his other implements."
"Where did he hit you?"
"Shoulders and ass, Sir. DAMN. Matt, is it okay if I just call you Sir? It feels strange to use your first name."
"Well then that says a lot about where we're headed, doesn't it?"
"Hopefully, Sir."
"You are needy. I like that. My cock is getting hard thinking of you in those black boxers and nothing else, dancing around the room while I let you get to meet my crop. I suspect that you need that, boy."
"Depends, Sir. I'm not sure how much I can handle yet."
"Let that be my concern, Brandon. Tell me how you reacted to being whipped with those shoelaces."
"the Master told me not to hide my reactions, so I didn't. Moaned at first then cried out and ended up actually crying and sobbing."
"Did you have safewords?"
"Usually I did, but for that whipping He took them away because He said it was punishment."
"What were you being punished for?"
"Being rude to a couple of guys who wanted me to suck them off but then got mean with me."
"What do you mean about getting mean?"
"A lot of nasty name calling. They were both straight jocks, Sir."
"that could have been dangerous,."
"I know, Sir, but fortunately I got out of there once they really started cursing me out and laying on the insults. And one of them wanted to spank me and actually had me over his knee when I freaked and blew my top and got out of there."
"did you freak because of the way they were treating you or because he was about to spank you?"
"the treatment. I was turned on about being spanked."
"It sounded like you foolishly walked into a situation that could have turned out badly. You need to be more careful, boy, and it is never a good idea to deal with straight guys, no matter how horny or needy you might be."
"Yes, Sir. I promise to take your advice in the future."
"My cock is 7inches long. Can you handle that, cocksucker?"
"I'll choke on it, Sir."
"that's fine, but I will expect you to choke. That's how a cocksucker shows how much it wants a man's cock."
"yes, Sir."
"And I expect you'll end up with tears and snot on your face."
"I've seen that in videos, Sir."
"Just seen it? Ever experience it?"
"Just a little bit, once, Sir."
"So I'll have to work hard to break in your throat, is that what you're telling me, boy?"
"I guess so, Sir."
"Considering your lack of experience, we will go about it slowly and methodically, but if I detect you resisting my attempts to train you, you'll be out the door before you even realize what happened, and I'll throw your clothes after you while you stand naked in the hallway. So you'd better be damn sure you're willing to be broken to be the kind of sub I enjoy using."
"You're making me nervous, Sir."
Matt chuckles. "This is all nothing but hot talk, boy. And I appreciate the fact that you told me you were nervous. What do I have to do to calm you down, boy?"
"um...hug me, Sir?"
"too romantic for my taste, boy. How about I give you some pot? Would that help?"
"never tried it, Sir."
"then it's about time. if you're going to be a sub cocksucker, you need the help of things like that."
"Never smoked, Sir. Might choke a lot."
"I'm not suggesting you smoke. I have edibles. In fact I have something in my pocket if you're willing to try it."
"Oh man, that really freaks me out, Sir."
"I see."
They sit there silently.
Finally, Matt speaks. "Okay, no drugs the first time at least, until you feel comfortable with me and with my style of training a sub."
"thank You, Sir."
"So this is exactly what will happen this first time: We will go to my room. You will strip down to those hot black underpants. You will stand with your hands on your head and I will introduce you to my crop. You can move around the room all you want, while I use the crop anywhere on your body I feel like. It turns on to see a faggot trying to escape my blows. You will not need a safe word. I'll know when it is time to stop. Then I will lie on the bed and open my pants and take out my dick. You will get up on the bed and lean over me and lick my dick until I order you to take it in your mouth. And then I will begin to train that mouth to become perfect pussy for me. Like I said, slowly and methodically. I will use hot talk to help direct and motivate you. You probably won't be good enough to get me to cum so I will take care of that myself, but you will be ready to take it all in your faggot mouth when I finally get off. Then, depending on your performance, I will most likely take you over my knee and take down your pants and spank you until you are crying. Then I will let you up. I will wash your face. And you will get dressed and leave. You will not be allowed to touch yourself. Perhaps we will try it again a second time and if so, things will be a bit more involved,. But I suggest you get yourself a dildo to use so you can train your throat yourself and save me the hassle should you return for a second visit."
"yes, Sir."
"So are you willing to experience this today?"
"May I have some time to think about it, Sir?"
"Why are you holding back?"
"It just all sounds so cold, Sir?
"listen, kid. You exposed your body on the Internet. The minute I saw it I realized just how much I want to put marks on the creamy flesh of yours. You are a faggot cocksucker. I am an experienced trainer. You need to get that throat of yours broken in if you're ever going to be of any use to anyone else. I am good at doing that. It will take a few sessions, but once I am done with you, you will be able to take 7, maybe even 8 inches with no discomfort at all. Then you will be valuable to anyone who wants you. There will be no surprises, no disappointments. What I have described to you is exactly what will happen. No more, no less. Consider it to be a simple business transaction. In the end, we both benefit. I do what I like doing and I will enjoy watching you swallow my cum. You get the training you need. A simple deal. If this seems cold to you, then I suggest you return to where you come from and reconsider whether or not you truly want to be a sub. If you want romance, then cut out the talk about being a sub and find someone to make out with. Someone who will put up with your inadequate skills as a cocksucker." He takes a business card out of his back pocket and hands it to Brandon.
"This is my contact information. When and if you are ready to accept my offer to provide you with a nice beating and some expert training, get in touch." And with that, Matt gets up from the table and walks out of the coffee shop.
Brandon feels like he had just gotten slapped around. In addition to that, he feels dirty and sordid and cheap. He begins to think he would be an idiot to keep looking for anyone else. He thinks it might be time to send Justin an email.
On his way back home, he stops in the library again and goes downstairs, hoping for a cock to suck while he jerks off.
Sure enough, after just a couple minutes, someone comes in and shoves a hard cock, not to big, through the glory hole and Brandon does his best to satisfy it while jerking himself. But in the middle of it all, he thinks to himself, "What the fuck am I doing?' He finishes milking the cock in his mouth but lets go of his own. After the guy leaves, he tries to finish himself off but once again, can't seem to cum. He finally goes back to his room. It is 5 pm. He doesn't have any appetite. Michael is out with Craig.
He cannot decide what to do. Should he go begging back to Justin? Or should he just go about living an ordinary college life and forget all about Masters and slaves and blow jobs and whips for a while and if he doesn't have any desire to jerk off again, so be it.