Switch
An "X-Files" Fanfiction
by Mary Abel
"You won't get away with this." Mulder shouted. Steel laced his voice, steel reinforced by the Sig Sauer he held in his right hand, and backed up by the Walther PKH Scully held. The agents stood next to each other in the midst of a mad scientist's laboratory. Strange things floated in jars. Ghastly looking devices, like the nightmare creatures of a Maytag repairman blinked and hummed and buzzed. The target of their guns, and their investigation, threw back his head and laughed madly.
"I won't get away with this?" he asked, when the deranged titters had died down. "You're the ones stepping over the line... you're going to regret this."
Scully spared a glance for Mulder. "Is this guy kidding?" the look plainly asked.
Mulder shrugged. "You are under arrest. Please come quietly." he said, moving his nasty looking gun to underline the request.
"Come quietly? I never go anywhere quietly." The fugitive flipped a switched. Mulder was bathed in an ice blue glow. He jerked as if he had been shocked.
Scully hissed with fury. No mad scientist bastard was going to hurt Mulder. She jerked Mulder out of the beam, whatever it was, then fired off two shots. The first one made contact with flesh, a brief gurgling scream spiraled up. The second shattered whatever machine the bastard had trained on Mulder. A giant shower of sparks went up. The light intensified. Then a small explosion. Scully tripped and landed on Mulder's body. A second, pale green light washed over them both.
Voices filtered through the restful darkness, becoming more and more insistent.
Finally, when they wouldn't shut up, or be incorporated in Scully's pleasant dreams, she opened her eyes. "I'm awake." she said, somewhat grumpily. For some reason her voice sounded deep and froggy. She cleared her throat.
"Well, hello there." A nurse stood over her, holding one hand, taking her pulse. "I knew you would eventually."
"Where am I?" Scully asked, wondering vaguely why the nurse was looking at her like that. It seemed... intense. Personal. Almost intimate. Like the nurse was checking her out. A thought occurred to Scully and she blushed. For all she knew, the nurse was checking her out... it wasn't unheard of, after all.
"Vernon General Hospital. You've been out for a couple of hours."
"Is my partner okay?"
"Fine. She's in the next room. In fact, I think she wants to talk to you rather badly.
Scully nodded. Then something struck her. What pronoun had the nurse been using? She opened her mouth to ask, but found a thermometer shoved into her mouth.
"Keep that in there. I'll be right back. Your partner wanted to know as soon as you were awake."
Scully watched as the young woman swished out the door in her peach colored scrubs. She felt very strange, like she had missed something of major importance. She looked down. Her legs seemed to stretch a long ways down the length of the bed. And her feet. They seemed to have grown.
Gathering her courage, Scully lifted the sheet and peered down into cavern. She saw something there that made her head swim. With a gasp, she let the sheet fall.
What the hell was going on? The question echoed in her head. The door opened. She looked up. She saw her body walking towards the bed, swaying almost drunkenly.
"What the fuck is going on here?" she hissed. Again, her voice seemed deeper than usual.
The person in her body held up a hand. "Wait Scully, don't flip." It was her voice, but Mulder's tone and rhythm of voice. "Something happened in that lab." he continued, trying to hike himself on the edge of her bed. He kept sliding off. Finally, he hissed and jumped up onto the bed.
Scully glared at him. "No shit, Sherlock. What the hell are you doing in my body?" she growled. With Mulder's thicker vocal cords, it came out rather impressively. She stretched out her arms and regarded her long fingered, unquestionably a man's, hands.
"What happened at the lab?" she said, lowering her voice dangerously. Mulder raised one pale gold eyebrow. It was bizarre to see his expression on her face, but Scully could not let herself concentrate on that. That way lay madness. She cultured her anger and outrage instead. It was the only path to sanity.
"Careful Scully, you keep doing that, you're going to get laryngitis. As you can see our minds have been switched."
"Yeah, but how? When? How do we fix it?" A terrible, horrible though struck her. "What if we can't fix it? Where's the bastard that did this to us?"
Mulder slumped. "Escaped. I don't know if we can fix it. We'll just have to wait and see."
"Wait and see?" Scully asked, frustrated pulling at her sheet. It popped loose at the end of the bed and Mulder's feet were revealed. He stared at them, fascinated. "Oh god, are they really that big?" he asked.
"Shut up Mulder. Get out of here, so I can get dressed."
Mulder looked at himself. That was weird. Definitely this case was going to have a place in the X-files Hall of Fame. "Scully?" he asked. "It's not like I've never seen that body naked before."
"Mulder if you don't get out of here... I'll do something horrible." Scully sat up in bed, looming over her body. God, she was short. She resisted the urge to pat it on the head. "Get out of here, now."
Mulder looked up at his partner. Damn, he was tall. Was this how it always looked when he stood close to Scully? "I give. I'll go arrange our release." he said, jumping off the bed. He felt like a Munchkin, but he knew better than to tell that to Scully. He walked out of the door, tightening the robe around his body. That reminded him. He looked down at his (for now) chest. Jesus, he was sick. Interesting perspective, but somehow they did more for him when they were on someone else. He shrugged and walked into his cubicle. Now, to get dressed. That should be fun.
Scully got of bed when she struck by a sudden urge. "oh god." she moaned, then walked slowly into the bathroom. A minute later she walked out, almost smiling. Boy, that had been fast. And not nearly as messy. She could, almost, get used to this. Sort of. Maybe. A sudden thought occurred to her and she smiled brilliantly. There were some advantages to being a in a man's body.
"How the hell do you tie these things, anyway?" Scully grumbled looking at herself in the mirror. So far, she had managed to get everything on, except the tie.
"How you doing Scully?" Mulder asked, walking in. Scully looked over at him and repressed a smile. For some reason, despite the obviously feminine form, he still looked like a man dressed as a woman. Maybe it was the way he walked, with his body loose, taking large steps. But he had managed to get everything on, right side out. Thank god she had been wearing pants.
"Fine except for the tie. Give me a hand here. And you better start calling me Mulder - and I'll call you Scully. Otherwise we'll have more problems than we know what to do with."
"Okay, Mulder." Mulder said. The name came out awkwardly. He pulled on the tie, and began to twist it around. Unfortunately, he had never had to tie a tie facing it and did no better than Scully had. Finally he sighed and whipped it off, putting it around the neck of the body he was currently occupying. He tied it perfectly, then loosened it enough to pull it over his head.
Scully took it with a smile. "Thanks, Scully" she said. She pulled the loop of silk over Mulder's head and tightened it. "How do I look?" she asked.
"Remarkably similar to how I looked when I left the house this morning. C'mon Mulder, we have to spring ourselves from this joint." he said. This time there was almost no hesitation in front of his name. Vaguely he wondered, if he had to, how he would explain this to Skinner. It would probably end up with garnering free passes to loony bin. On the express train. If it wasn't actually happening to him he would think they were crazy too. He straightened his shoulders and prepared to do battle with another fearsome force. The admitting desk of the hospital.
The mad scientist, otherwise known as Luther Krebs, kept rubbing his hands together with a gleeful little chuckle. He'd certainly shown those Feds, hadn't he? And it was all thanks to his little invention. One hand snaked out and patted the small silver box. This was his ticket to money and fame. Now, he had to get those fibbies and keep them alive until he could prove to his backers that his invention worked.
Unnaturally bright brown eyes narrowed and he pulled on a hank of colorless hair. This was going to take some help. The only problem was who was he going to trust with this very important job? This was going to be tricky.
"Hey, Donna, two live ones at table 12."
The fair-haired waitress sighed and heaved herself up from the comfortable perch. The lunch hour crowd had passed and she had hoped for a moment to recuperate. Apparently it wasn't meant to be. Pulling out her order pad, she walked over to table twelve, appraising them silently as she came near. The guy was hot, dark and a little moody looking. His suit looked expensive, and his tie, decorated lavishly, was woven of silk. She figured him for some kind of professional, a lawyer maybe. The woman with him was pretty in a sleek, well groomed way. The hair was lovely though. Donna wondered what shade it was and if it was natural. She would give a lot for hair like that. They both looked a little travel weary.
"Afternoon. What can I get you?" Donna asked with a smile. The woman smiled widely back at her while the man looked down at his menu.
"I think I'll have the Caesar salad." he said, "With the dressing on the side. And iced tea."
Donna raised a silent eyebrow. A guy as thin as him was watching his weight? Usually it was the woman's type that ordered like that.
"And I'll have the double cheeseburger, fries, and a chocolate shake." the woman said, closing her menu. Donna nodded, trying not to let her reaction show. It wasn't the weirdest order she'd ever gotten but the woman certainly didn't look like a calorie junkie to her. "Okay, I'll bring that out as soon as I can. If you want anything else, just let me know, okay?"
Mulder and Scully watched as the waitress walked away. Scully noticed that Mulder's eyes were lingering a little longer than necessary on the woman's retreating form and almost kicked him in the shin. She was stopped only by the fact that the shin she would be bruising was ultimately hers and she didn't trust that Mulder's big feet wouldn't actually break her leg. "Mu- Scully!" she hissed.
Mulder looked over at his partner, a wide eyed look of innocence shaping his features. "What?" he asked.
"Don't start that with me." Scully answered. "I saw the way you were looking at her and unless you want me to start giving your phone number to cute guys, I suggest you keep your eyes to yourself for the duration. Got it?"
Scully's head nodded in a decidedly rebellious manner. Scully, trapped in Mulder's body, decided she really hated his mannerisms in her body. It was unnerving.
"What are you trying to do anyway, ordering like that?" she went on. "You want me to gain ten pounds?"
Mulder looked wounded. "Scully, I think you're trying to starve me. Believe me I know that body and a salad is not going to hack it. Do you have sunflower seeds handy?"
Scully frowned. "Not on me."
"We can get some later I guess. I don't think you appreciate how much fuel it takes to keep that body going."
"Well, I don't think you appreciate how much work it takes to keep that body looking like that. Why don't you eat the salad and I'll have the burger?"
Great, Mulder thought, not only am I short but I also have to eat rabbit food. Scully better appreciate this because not every man would understand her point or even be willing to listen to it.
Krebs waited outside the restaurant, rubbing his hands together madly. The hulking man next to him looked disgusted but kept his mouth shut. His name was Herman. He hated assignments like this.
"Are you sure they're in there?" Krebs asked, hands pausing in mid-rub. Long pale fingers twined together like snakes.
Herman looked away. He hated snakes, too. Only for his bosses would he even be here. "I'm sure." Herman answered in a remarkably high voice. He looked carefully at Krebs to see if the man found the disparity between his voice and his body strange. He couldn't help that because of his special treatments he still sounded like he was twelve. His bosses had told him that it was a side effect of the hormones and it couldn't be helped. A thought occurred to him. What if... with a slight shake of his head he put it away for later consideration. Maybe. "That's their car, right there." he said pointing.
"Why don't we go in?" Krebs asked impatiently.
"Because the bosses said we should let 'em eat." Herman answered. It sounded like a prerecorded response and Krebs knew better than to ask anymore.
Scully patted Mulder's lips with a napkin and let out a small, polite belch. "Excuse me." she said, taking a sip from her water glass. Mulder stared at her with longing in his eyes. The small Caesar salad, dressing on the side, that Scully had forced him to eat so that she could keep her figure had disappeared in a couple of bites soon after it had been set down in front of him. Since then he'd been staring over at Scully as she devoured, using his digestive system and metabolism, the giant cheeseburger and fries he had originally ordered.
"Are you done?" Mulder asked sullenly.
"Yes, I am. I'll even pay for lunch."
Mulder smiled, satisfied, until they walked up to the register and Scully fished HIS wallet out of HIS suit and handed over HIS credit card. "Hey!" he yelped.
"What is it SCULLY?" Scully asked meaningfully, leaning over to sign the slip with a approximation of Mulder's scrawl.
Mulder met the inquisitive eyes of their waitress, behind the counter, and subsided. "Nothing, Mulder. Let's go."
The agents stepped out into the sunlight. A giant fist came flying out of nowhere and laid Scully, in Mulder's body, down and out. Mulder, in Scully's body, had to put up with the humiliation of having an unknown entity jab him with a needle. He fell to the ground, ruining the knees of Scully's slacks, unconscious.
Krebs rubbed his hands together maniacally. "We've got th-em." he sang. "I'm going to fa-mous. Aa-nnd ri-ch. La la la la."
"Shut up." Herman said, hefting both agents and stuffing them into the waiting van.
Krebs shut up.
Mulder came awake with a groan. Only one thing was in the forefront of his mind at the moment and that was relieving the pain in his head before it pounded his skull to pieces. He rubbed his head for a good five minutes before realizing his hair was a lot longer than he remembered and it smelled... sweet.
He groaned again. Damn, he was still in Scully's body. He had hoped, faintly, that it had been a dream. Admittedly if it had been a dream he would have seriously considered psychiatric treatment but at least he would be in his own body.
"Scully?" he whispered. Wherever they were was dimly lit and very small. They had been dumped on the floor, and Scully was curled up next to him.
He shook the broad shoulder digging into his side gently. "Dana, wake up. C'mon, we need to get out of here before Dr. Strange out there decides to experiment some more."
It was weird enough to be in Scully's body. He definitely didn't want to experience life from say, a chicken's perspective.
She groaned in much the same manner he had upon waking and opened one bleary eye in his direction. It must have been exceedingly startling to see her own face staring concernedly down at her for her other eye opened and both widened. In a minute or so, she was upright, reasonably aware and rubbing the bump that had formed on the back of her head. Or rather his head. Whatever.
"Get the number of that truck?" she asked with a half-hearted smile.
"Momma said knock you out." Mulder replied with a stronger one of his own. "It had vanity plates."
"Never thought I'd appreciate the fact that most people don't see me as a physical threat." she said, still rubbing her head. "God."
"Don't worry. If the way my stomach is feeling right now is in due to the joy-juice that they injected me with, then I'm really glad you're the one that ate the cheeseburger."
Scully turned distinctly green and clutched her stomach. "Don't remind me."
Silence then, while both surveyed their surroundings. Nothing helpful: six flat surfaces painted with grey, peeling paint. A door, with a sturdy lock. A single light, 25 watts max. It looked like they were in a storage closet. An extremely well cleaned storage closet.
"Damn. Don't you wish one of us were MacGyver? We'd be out of here in five minutes." Mulder said, leaning back against wall.
"With that handy Swiss army knife. I'm going to start carrying one of those around." Dana answered glumly.
"I'll buy yours if you'll buy me mine." Mulder replied with a sidelong glance for his formerly petite partner.
An hour or so later, after walking in dizzyingly small circles around the floor, pacing and trying to restore circulation to their limbs, they slumped against the wall again.
"What the hell is the jerk waiting for?" Scully asked, thumping her fist against her thigh. Alarmed, she mentally corrected herself. Mulder's fist. Mulder's thigh. She wanted to get back into her own body. Soon.
It was too bizarre being this tall. She kept hitting his head and tripping over his limbs. She could see that the difference in physicality was taking it's toll on Mulder too. He kept reaching for things that were too far away or too high up and forgetting to cross her legs or keep her knees together. His depth perception was off too. The situation had to be corrected and soon. There was no telling what kind of weird effects this "transference" was having on them, biologically or psychologically.
"Maybe he's trying to figure out his next plan of attack." Mulder suggested.
"Or maybe he's waiting for someone to show up." Dana said grimly.
"Who?"
"Who cares! He's a scientist, right? That means he's hungry for money to fund his research. A thing like this could set him up for life. We have to get out of here before we end up as permanent zoo exhibits."
"You're right Scully." Mulder answered. As usual, he added mentally, with a sigh. "Pound on the door a few times. See if anything happens." he told her.
"Why don- oh. Never mind. She got to her, no his feet, dammit. She got to his feet and pounded on the door and shouted. After a few minutes she paused, then listened. "I think someone's coming." she whispered.
Without a word, Mulder positioned himself at her back, ready for anything. They were prepared for anything but what happened.
The door creaked open, slowly, as if the person opening it didn't really want to. "Hello?" a voice called. "Don't hurt me. I'm here to let you go."
Mulder and Scully exchanged glances. One look was all it took. They retreated to the opposite wall, still on the defensive.
The man that appeared was none other than the idiot that had gotten them into this mess. Mulder paused. "Aren't you the one that did this to us?" he asked.
Krebs looked at Mulder and light in his eyes was decidedly saner. "You should know, Agent Mulder, appearances can be decieving. I'm here to fix this."
Mulder paused. "I thought you were the one who did this to us."
Luther Krebs' eyes looked plainly up at Mulder. There was a decidedly saner light in them now. "You, of all people, Agent Mulder, should know that appearances can be deceiving. My name is Herman. The government used to me to test the effects of growth hormones. My real body is a monstrosity and I'd rather die than go back to it. When I was given this assignment I immediately grasped the implications. Using Krebs' machine, I switched bodies with him. And now, I'll switch you back and let you go, if you like."
"If we LIKE?" Mulder yelped, incredulous.
"Why?" Scully asked.
"Why am I letting you go?" Herman asked. "Because I've spent most of my life in a lab or under controlled conditions. I was only let out on little assignments like this, when my employers needed the muscle. Bastards. This is my chance at freedom and there's no way I'm going to force you two into the hell I've just escaped from. If I were you, I'd forget this ever happened. Tell your superiors that you never caught up with Krebs. If they ever found out you were switched, they'd never stop looking for Krebs. Or for me."
"Where is Krebs?"
"In the lab, tied up. He won't bother you now. He can barely walk. The change in physical structure was hard on him."
"Well, if no one else has anything further to say, let's switch." Mulder said, looking from Scully to Herman.
Both nodded.
Twenty minutes later Mulder stretched and was pleased to feel his fingers brush the ceiling. He ran his hands over his face and never thought he would be so glad to be in his body. Scully was thinking much the same, though she'd gone for a hairbrush as soon the as the paralyzing effects of the mind switch beam had faded. For some reason, probably the fact they were returning to their own bodies rather than getting used to new ones, the negative effects of the beam were negligible. Mulder felt like half a million bucks.
"AAAAAGGHHHHHH How will I live in this Neanderthal body?" shrieked Krebs. He was in the corner, tied up neatly with very strong rope. Herman told them that he intended call his superiors with the new from a safe distance and on an untraceable phone. They could deal with Krebs and the mess. Right now, he was methodically pulling apart the machinery and stomping it to bits.
Scully and Mulder, still smiling widely, waited at the door until he was done. The sun, setting in the west, sent streaks of bright gold light into the lab. Krebs still wept and gibbered in the corner but garnered no sympathy. Herman paused and shook their hands before he left.
"Thanks." he said simply. "If you two hadn't gotten switched, I never would have been called. I'd still be stuck in that body." His distaste was evident.
"No problem." Mulder answered easily.
"You're welcome." Scully told him. "Take care."
Herman nodded and smiled. Then he started out to the parking lot, ready to make his new life. Mulder and Scully followed him, walking to their car. As Scully slid into the car a second after Mulder, he glanced quickly and superstitiously at her chest. Yep, they certainly did a lot more for him when they were on someone else. Thank god. Especially, he added in a deep little part of his mind, if they were on Scully. With a fond smile and he started the car and reached for his sunglasses when the light stabbed his eyes.
"What do you have that goofy look for Mulder?" Scully asked, leaning back and closing her eyes.
"Nothing. Just wondering how to write this up."
"Don't bother. I don't even believe it happened and I was there."
Mulder thought for a moment, remembering, and nodded. "Yeah. I guess you're right."
"As usual."
"Don't rub it in."
Silence. Then: "I'm starving."
"As usual."
"How about dinner?"
"Perfect."
The car became a dark silhouette as it headed into the west.
Fin
1