Story Title: Tears In Your Eyes Chapter Title: "Secrets and Lies" Author's Name: Colleen Hasiuk E-mail: reader_colleen@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: I'll try to keep this one short! WOW! What a response I got to the last chapter! You guys who read these stories are great for an author's ego, you know that? Thank you to all of you who e-mailed me! I've got an unofficial poll going as to who the BSB rapist is... 3 votes for Brian! Also, what do you think JC did to Lance to piss Lance off? E-mail me if you think you have an answer! reader_colleen@hotmail.com) Now, back to business.
I don't know *NSync, the Backstreet Boys, or anyone else that may be mentioned in this story. Neither do I know their sexual orientation. If you're too young to read this, SCAT! If you don't leave, at least don't get caught. grin Thanks to Joey, Yuli, Becca, Gabriella, and Samantha, you guys are the greatest friends a girl could ask for. While you're at it, read their stories: "I Need You Tonight", "Busta", "Remembering Petticoat Lane", "Lance's Song" and "My Surprise Romance". Now, onto my story! Enjoy, and please e-mail me with questions, concerns, complaints, or just plain lovin'. (Especially that last one!)
Chapter 2: Secrets and Lies
The next morning, Lance woke up before Joey did, as usual. He lay there for a while, thinking. He knew Joey cared about him, but only as a friend. Lance felt the same way, for the most part. Ever since that night, he found that the only one he would talk to was Joey. For some reason- he didn't know why- he no longer trusted Justin and Chris. Lance didn't think he would ever trust JC again, and maybe he didn't trust Justin because he was so close to JC. Chris would probably just psycho-analyze him and confuse him even more than he already was.
"But why do I trust Joey?" Lance asked himself, not realizing he said it out loud until Joey stirred next to him.
"Cause I'm so darn cute?" Joey teased sleepily. Lance smiled and leaned over to pinch Joey's cheeks. Joey yelled in surprise and jumped off the bed.
"Nope, you ain't that cute," Lance said. Joey jumped back on the bed and sat on Lance's legs, which were still under the covers. "Joe! You're heavy! Get off!" Lance cried, squirming around as he tried to dislodge his friend. Joey smirked.
"Not until you admit that you think I'm cute," Joey sing-songed. Lance shook his head.
"Not on your life."
"Well, I guess I'll just have to tickle it out of you!" With that, Joey leaned forward to start tickling Lance's sides. Because of Joey's weight on his legs, Lance was pretty much defenseless and soon succumbed to laughter.
"I still don't think you're cute, Joe," Lance said once Joey had stopped tickling him. Joey frowned.
"You want me to tickle you again?" Joey threatened. Lance snorted.
"It won't work, Joey. I may be ticklish, but I still don't think you're cute!" Joey just looked at him. Lance took advantage of Joey's distraction and raised his legs, throwing Joey off balance. Once Joey was off his legs, Lance sat up and pushed Joey off the bed, making him land on the floor with a THUD.
"Ow!" Joey yelled. There was a knock on the connecting door between Lance's room and the room Justin was in.
"Everything OK in there?" Justin's voice called. "I heard a thud."
"We're fine," Joey called back. "I fell off Lance's bed."
"What are you doing in Lance's room at this hour of the morning?" Justin asked. Joey paused, unsure if Lance wanted him to tell the truth or not.
"We were watching movies last night and we fell asleep," Lance lied.
"Oh."
"What are you doing up, anyway? It's too early for you." There was a pause.
"JC had trouble sleeping last night," Justin finally said. "I just got back into my room when I heard the thud." Lance made a face at the mention of JC's name. Joey looked at him sharply, but didn't say anything. Lance just looked back, his face perfectly blank. Joey evenutally broke the eye contact and opened the connecting door.
"Justin? Can I talk to you for a second?" Joey asked as he closed the door, preventing Lance from hearing any more of their conversation. He just sat back and waited for Joey's return so that they could discuss the day's plans.
Five minutes later, Joey was back, an unreadable expression on his face. Inside however, his mind was whirling. Justin was just as confused as he was about what was going on. For whatever reason, Lance wouldn't go near JC and JC wasn't talking if he knew the reason why. It was driving Justin and Joey to the brink of insanity, trying to figure out what was going on between the two. So far, Chris seemed oblivious, but that wouldn't last for long if JC and Lance continued their present behavior.
"Joey?" Lance's soft voice interrupted Joey's musings.
"Yeah?"
"You looked so serious for a minute. Is something wrong?"
"No, I'm just tired. You kept me up pretty late last night, you know!" Joey attempted to draw Lance's attention away from his current line of questioning. At Joey's words, Lance looked at the floor.
"I'm sorry," he said softly. Joey's heart broke.
"Lance, I was teasing. I'm the one who is sorry. I guess I need to learn to watch what I say, hunh?" Instead of cheering Lance up, Joey's words seemed to make him even more depressed.
"You shouldn't have to watch what you say because of me, Joe," Lance said. "I'm sorry." Joey immediately pulled him into a hug. Lance automatically stiffened when Joey made physical contact, but he soon relaxed and allowed himself to be hugged.
"Lance, stop apologizing. It was my fault, not yours. I just need to learn how to be more sensitive to you," Joey said firmly. "It's not your fault." Against Joey's neck, he felt Lance nod in silent agreement. After a few minutes, there came a knock on the door.
"Lance, is Joey in there with you?" Chris' voice called. Joey and Lance broke apart and Lance went over to open the door for Chris.
"Is Joe- oh, hi, Joey," Chris said, catching sight of Joey standing in the middle of Lance's room. "Well, everyone's present and accounted for. What's up for today, Scoop?" Chris asked, still looking at Joey. Lance smiled.
"I'll order breakfast and we can eat it while we talk about today, okay? Give me a half-hour to order the food and for me to get ready."
"Where are we going to eat?" was Chris' next question. Continuing along that train of thought, Chris said, "Your room ain't exactly big enough for all five of us. Plus, this place is a mess! What happened in here last night?" Joey and Lance exhanged looks.
"Since I didn't sleep in my room last night, we can use it. It's clean, for the most part," Joey said, ignoring the second part of the question. Chris gave him a weird look.
"You slept here all night? Is there something we should know, Joey?" Chris was teasing, so Joey laughed, but Lance blushed a bright red.
"NO!" he almost yelled, blushing even more at his tone of voice. Chris raised an eyebrow.
"Whatever," he said. "I'll let JC and Justin know the plans, and we'll see you in half an hour." Lance had to fight to keep a neutral expression on his face at the mention of JC's name, but he succeeded. Flashing a quick smile, Chris left, leaving Joey and Lance alone again. Neither one noticed that Chris hadn't completely closed the door leading to the hallway.
"I'd better go so that you can order the food and get ready," Joey said. Lance nodded, almost sadly. Hugging last one last time, Joey left, leaving Lance alone with his thoughts. Lance went and sat on the bed, thinking about the recent events. He tried not to think about the Backstreet Boys, but he couldn't help it. He kept thinking back over last five years, wondering if there was anything he could've done to prevent the rapes. The more he thought, the more he didn't believe what Joey had said last night- that it wasn't his fault. If it wasn't his fault, then why did it happen?
Lance thought more about the "why" part, and the only explaination that he could come up with was the one he had been told- that he was a tease who had been asking for it all along. He knew he was a tease- hadn't he been hugging Joey a lot over the last 24 hours? By making physical contact, he was indicating interest where there was nothing. Nothing that he wanted to admit, anyway. Every word said to him over the last five years was true, Lance knew this deep in his heart. He didn't really deserve to live.
When the rapes had started, Lance had still been pretty young and naive. There wasn't THAT much of an age difference between them, but the other man was far more world-wise due to his exposure to the limelight. Once the other man had realized just how much of an impact his words had on Lance, the mental cruelty had become a major part of their "sessions". The taunting and insults had broken any self-confidence that Lance may have had, leaving only an empty void behind. But Lance also learned how to keep his emotions hidden deep within himself, so that not even his own mother knew what was going on his mind sometimes. The other guys had never noticed anything- they didn't know him well enough to notice any kind of change. All of them were oblivious- save one. Joey.
Joey always seemed to know when Lance was most unhappy, and would make him do something to take his mind off his troubles. Joey and Lance had been to so many places over the years, just on their own. The movies, the mall, clubs, jetskiing, the zoo, even Disney World once. It drove the bodyguards crazy when they would sneak out like that, but it was fun. It was the only time Lance let down his guard even a little bit. He truely enjoyed Joey's company. And he liked to believe that Joey enjoyed his company as well. Joey was the one person he felt he could trust above all others. He thought of Joey as a friend, but maybe, just maybe, there was something more brewing there.
Lance was so used to repressing and hiding his emotions that he no longer recognized some of them. What was this weird feeling that he got whenever he thought about Joey? Was he developing a crush? If he was, did Joey feel the same way? Lance smiled softly to himself, remembering the night before, when he had slept in Joey's arms. He had felt so safe. For the first time in more than five years, he felt safe. It was a good feeling.
Outside in the hall, JC stood, watching Lance's face. Lance must be thinking of something really special, JC thought to himself. I hope whoever it is he's thinking of realizes what a special guy Lance is, and how lucky they are to have him. His heart twisted painfully when he thought about Lance having a special someone that wasn't JC himself. But now JC would never be able to say anything. Lance would never know how JC felt- he would make sure of that, no matter how much it hurt. It was the least he could do. JC would die before he would Lance be hurt. But Lance would never know that.
JC almost cried at the thought, but quickly stopped himself. Why the fuck am I crying so much? JC thought to himself. I'm turning into a complete basket case! JC stood in the hallway, watching Lance without the other knowing he was there. Ever since JC had met Lance, he had seen a sadness in the other boy's eyes that he could never explain. To the world, he was just shy, but to JC it was clear that there was something else going on. However, Lance was a good actor and hid his feelings well. But the sadness never went away, and soon JC found himself wanting to be the one to take all of Lance's pain away. But now he wouldn't get the chance.
Lance meant the world to JC, and for that very reason, JC was going to bury his feelings deep inside himself and walk away. If he had his way, Lance would never find out that JC loved him. It would be too hard on both of them, and JC hated to see Lance in pain. It killed him a little more each time he heard Lance crying, each time he heard the pain in his beautiful voice, and he couldn't take it anymore. Over the years, JC's heart had been ripped apart, little by little, until he had nothing left to give anyone. Not even Lance. And Lance needed someone who would love him. So JC was going to walk away, and pray that someday, he'd forget this pain.
Britney's song "From the Bottom of My Broken Heart" drifted into his thoughts all of a sudden, and JC smiled wryly.
***"From the bottom of my broken heart, There's just a thing or two I'd like you to know: You were my first love, you were my true love >From the first kisses to the very last rose.
From the bottom of my broken heart Even though time may find me somebody new, You were my real love, I never knew love Till there was you... >From the bottom of my broken heart."***
Fitting, JC thought to himself. Only Britney could sing a song that sums up exactly how I feel. God, how I wish she was here! I really need to talk to her...
"Josh?" Justin's voice interrupted JC's thoughts. JC turned to face his friend.
"Yeah, Just?"
"Josh, what's going on?" Justin wasn't holding anything back and cut right to the chase. JC just looked at him, pretending to not understand.
"What are you talking about, Justin?" JC asked innocently. Justin glared at him.
"Cut the bullshit, JC. Something's going on between you and Lance and we want to know what it is." JC knew Justin was mad at him because Justin called him JC. Usually, he was Josh.
"Justin, there's nothing wrong. Just because Lance and I aren't glued at the hip doesn't mean that there's something wrong."
"JC, he won't even LOOK at you. Now, that tells me that somebody- who shall remain nameless- is lying to his best friend. And that best friend doesn't like not knowing what's going on inside the other's mind."
"Well, it isn't the best friend's place to say anything, even if there WAS something wrong. If there was a problem, don't you think one of us- them, excuse me- would have talked to you about it?" JC said, trying to sound reasonable.
"Not if it's you and Lance," Justin muttered under his breath. "Maybe," he said louder, so that JC could hear it. JC had caught the first one.
"Justin, what makes you think that Lance and I don't talk to you?"
"Because you're not! Lance has been all weird around you for the last while, and he won't say why! And if you know, you're not telling either! Josh, what the fuck is going on?" Justin was yelling at his point, drawing Lance out of his room to see what the commotion was. JC cringed at the thought of having to face him after what he'd done.
"Justin, keep your nose out of business that isn't yours!" JC hissed, brushing past Justin to avoid looking at Lance. Justin tried to block his way, but Lance grabbed his arm and gave him a 'look'. JC quickly disappeared down the hall, leaving the two blonds alone. Lance drew Justin into his room in order to talk to him.
"Justin, what was that all about?" Lance asked softly, closing the door this time. Justin shrugged.
"You tell me," was all he said. Lance looked confused.
"What?"
"Obviously you and JC know something that the rest of us don't, so how am I supposed to know what's going on around here? Nobody will tell me!"
"Just, how many times do we have to tell you that there is nothing going on? Are you deaf?"
"Lance, I may be young, but I'm not stupid. Even Chris sees the tension between you and Josh."
"Justin, if JC and I have a problem, it's our business, not yours."
"That's exactly what JC said," Justin sighed. "Joey, Chris and I talked about this, and it feels like you two are shutting us out of your lives. I mean, we're supposed to be best friends -brothers- and you guys can't come to us with a problem? It hurts, James, it really does." Justin's use of Lance's first name surprised him. The guys only used it when they were incredibly worried, or incredibly pissed. Lance hoped it was more of the former than the latter.
"I'm sorry, Justin," was all Lance could say. If he said anything more, he might blurt everything out, and that was the last thing he wanted to do!
"We're worried about both of you, Lance. It isn't healthy to keep things locked up inside," Justin informed him. Lance was shocked. How much did Justin know?
"I'm fine, Justin. Really, I am," Lance sounded like he was trying to convince himself as well as Justin. Justin sighed at Lance's stubborn behavior.
"You are so fucking frustrating! I know Joey stayed in here last night because you had a nightmare..." Lance's face went white, thinking that Joey had told someone about the nightmares. "No, Joey didn't tell me. I heard you..." Justin said, catching the look. "And I got back from Josh's room about a half-hour ago, because HE couldn't sleep either! Now, when Mr. Sleepy himself can't sleep, I know there's a problem. And you never have nightmares. James, what is going on?"
"Justin, I can't tell you right now, OK? I need to figure some things out on my own. But when I figure them out, I promise you'll be the first person I tell," Lance compromised. Justin didn't look happy, but he seemed to realize that it was all he was going to get.
"As long as you tell me. All I want is to help you."
"J, you can't help me. Trust me on this," Lance said, almost bitterly. Justin furrowed his eyebrows.
"I trust you, Lance. But, please, don't shut me out like this again."
"I'll try not to."
"I guess that's the best I'm going to get," Justin sighed. Lance gave him a crooked smile.
"Uh-huh," he said. Justin stuck his tongue out at the other blond. Lance grinned. "Now that was mature, Justin," he teased. Justin flipped him off.
"In your dreams, J. You're not my type."
"What?" Justin's mouth dropped open. Lance laughed, a real, full-throated laugh.
"I said you're not my type. Sorry to burst your bubble, Curly."
"Lance, run," Justin commanded. Warily backing away, Lance poised as if to run. When Justin sprang, Lance took off. Out the door, down the hall, up the stairs, down the next hall, back down the stairs, and then
"Ouch!" a voice yelled as Lance collided with a wall of flesh. Both went flying, landing hard. Justin came running around the corner and stopped when he saw the casualities.
"What the?"
"Who'd I hit?" Lance questioned as he slowly sat up. His eyes widened when they met the other person's blue eyes. Both sat motionless for a few minutes, studying the other person.
"Lance? JC? You two alright?" Justin sounded worried.
"We're fine," JC answered, still studying Lance's face. He noticed Lance's eyes weren't quiet as haunted as the day before, but he still looked like hell. His eyes were still bloodshot, his hair a wreck, and he had a frown on his face that almost looked permenent. It was all JC could do not to cry, yet again.
For Lance's part, he saw sadness, immense sadness in JC's eyes. It was clear that JC wasn't sleeping at night due to the heavy bags under his eyes.
He had also lost weight over the last few weeks, becoming even skinnier. He didn't look healthy at all, and Lance's heart broke. But then, he remembered what JC did and his heart hardened once again.
"Excuse me," Lance said as he got up quickly and headed for his room. "I have to finish getting ready." JC watched Lance go, refusing to break down and cry. He had to move on with his life, somehow.
"JC?" Justin called softly. JC turned to face his best friend.
"Yeah?"
"You gonna get ready for breakfast?"
"I'm not hungry," JC responded, turning away. Justin grabbed his arm before he could go anywhere.
"When was the last time you ate?" Justin demanded. JC thought about it, and then shrugged.
"Last night, I think."
"Last night, you think," Justin repeated. "Josh, you're coming to breakfast and you're going to eat something, even if I have to force-feed you." JC smiled at Justin's bossiness, but he knew it was out of love and concern for him.
"Alright," JC agreed. Justin let out a yell, causing JC to jump about eight feet into the air. "What was that for?" JC almost shrieked.
"You wanting to eat! Josh, I'm so proud of you!" Justin was jumping around, living up to his "Bounce" nickname.
"Justin, I have one word for you- Prozac!" JC exclaimed as he and Justin walked into his hotel room so that JC could get changed. On the way, they passed Joey coming from the direction of Chris' room.
"Hey, Joe," JC and Justin greeted him.
"Hi, guys," Joey responded, going into his room. Justin and JC exhanged a glance. It wasn't like Joey not to talk to them. Then they both shrugged and chalked Joey's behavior to the fact that he was tired. Justin would talk to him later, once JC was out of earshot. Justin deposited JC into his room with a terse command to "GET DRESSED". As Justin was going back to his room, he saw Joey come out of Chris' room and go back into his own. Justin shrugged and returned to his room in order to get ready. He didn't have much time before he had to be in Joey's room for breakfast.
"Joe, I want to tell them," Lance said.
"Lance, are you serious?" Joey asked, concerned. They were standing in Joey's room, waiting for the others to arrive. Lance nodded.
"While you were gone, I did some thinking. Justin was right when he said that I was shutting him out. They need to know."
"Lance-"
"Joey, please. If you say anything else, I may lose my resolve."
"Lance, just know that I'm here for you, OK?" Lance smiled.
"Thanks, Joe," he got out before there was a knock on the door. Lance opened it to find Justin, Chris and JC standing there. Muttering various forms of 'hi', they staggered in and landed on various surfaces- Joey and Chris on the bed, JC on the the chair, Justin on the floor at his feet, and Lance on the desk. Room service arrived after a few moments of awkward silence, and soon the room was filled with the sounds of munching. After most of the group was finished, Lance got off the desk and faced the rest of his group.
"Guys, I have something to tell you," he started. Taking a deep breath, he looked at each group member, even JC. "Guys, I'm gay."