DISCLAIMER: I do not know any of these people, neither do I know their sexual orientations. This story is NOT REAL. If you're too young to be reading this, please go away. And, as I am a "chick", don't expect much sex. I've managed to get this far without any, and I don't there's going to be any soon, K? Feedback is good (reader_colleen@hotmail.com). Thanks go out to Joey, Becca, Kief, John, Yuli, Gabriella, and Hamado. You guys are the greatest!!
While I'm at it, let me say "GO READ THESE STORIES!!!": "I Need You Tonight" and "Starcrossed" by Joey, "Superman Can't Fly" by Dayse, "Remembering Petticoat Lane" by Becca, "Playing For Keeps" by Kimmer, "Busta" by Yuli, "Kevin and Justin" by Peter, "Not Meant to Be/Beyond What Is" by Kyle, and "Dirty Little Secrets" by Myka. Those are my current favorite stories, although there are too many wonderful stories to mention in a single disclaimer!
I have a webpage for this story now! It can be found at http://www.geocities.com/reader_colleen. Please check it out, as the chapters are posted a couple of days ahead of when I send them to David. Now, after all that babbling, onto the good stuf! grin
I Can't Remember If I Cried
Chris and Justin were back at the hospital, this time waiting on word about JC's condition. Joey had called to say that Lance was physically fine, but the emotional scars were very deep and would be much harder to erase. When Joey had called Chris' cell, Chris didn't know about JC yet, so Justin had been waiting, alone, for an ambulance to arrive to take JC to the hospital. There was so much blood. And JC had looked so pale...
The ambulance crew hadn't said much to either Justin or Chris, who had come upstairs when the ambulance arrived, but Justin knew in his heart that it wasn't good. There was just too much blood. Chris had called Kevin to tell him what had happened, and 10 minutes later all five Backstreet Boys were gathered in JC's room with Chris and Justin. After the ambulance had left with JC (Justin, of course, accompanied it), the remaining six had split themselves into two groups. Kevin, Brian and Nick hopped in the *NSync limo with Chris and headed for the hospital while Howie and AJ stayed behind to call JC's family and *NSync's management. Now Chris, Justin, Kevin, Brian and Nick were gathered in the waiting room, silent, worrying about their two friends.
"Justin?" Nick asked, breaking the silence. Justin looked up from where he sat, his face buried in his hands.
"Yeah, Nick?"
"What happened?" Nick asked the question that was on everyone's mind. Justin felt tears start to roll down his face.
"I don't know, Nicky. He's just been so depressed this last little while. But I never thought he'd try to commit suicide!" Brian made his way over to Justin's side and sat down beside him.
"JC's strong, he'll pull through," Brian attempted to comfort Justin. Kevin made a soft noise in his throat. Everyone looked at him and he squirmed in his seat across from Justin and Brian.
"Maybe his body will, but what about his emotions? It's obvious now that he needs help," Kevin said. Chris jumped up.
"No, he doesn't!"
"Chris, you of all people should see this. He has to have severe psychological problems for him to attempt suicide," Kevin reasoned. Justin shook his head.
"If he wouldn't talk to us, he won't talk to anyone," Justin said. "Trust me on this one." Before anyone could say anything else, the doctor walked into the waiting room.
"Is there a Justin Timberlake here?" the doctor asked. "He's listed on Mr. Chasez's sheet as the contact person."
"I'm Justin," the boy in question said.
"Hello, Justin, I'm Doctor Miniew. I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is we managed to save your friend's life. The bad news is that he's in a coma because he lost so much blood. If you hadn't have found him when you did, he most certainly would be dead." Justin screwed his eyes shut, willing the doctor's words away as he cried again. Brian got up and went over to Kevin, leaving his spot open for Nick. Nick sat down and put an arm around Justin's shoulders, letting his friend know that he was there.
"Can we see him?" Chris asked after a long silence, broken only by Justin's crying.
"Normally, no, but in this case I'll make an exception. That young man needs all the help he can get." Kevin gave Chris a smug look as he stood up, which Chris ignored. Wordlessly, they all followed the doctor to JC's room. Justin started to cry even harder when he saw JC hooked up to all the machines. Chris wrapped him in a hug as the Backstreet guys huddled in the doorway, not wanting to intrude.
"Josh?" Justin said through his tears. "Why did you do this? Why did you try to leave me? Josh, I thought you loved me!"
"J, it's OK," Chris soothed. "JC loves you, even a blind man could see that."
"Then why did he try to leave me?" Justin sobbed. For once, Chris was lost for words. Justin sat down in a chair at JC's bedside and took his friend's hand in his own. He sat there in silence, crying for his best friend. Chris quietly left the room and gestured for the others to follow him. As they started down the hallway, Joey came charging from the other direction.
"Johnny just called me to tell me about JC," he gasped. "I've been with Lance the whole time... what happened?" Chris finally broke down and cried.
Brian pulled him into a hug as Kevin answered Joey's question.
"Justin went to find JC when he and Chris got back to the hotel. Chris checked with the desk while Justin went upstairs to JC's room. He found JC in the bathtub, bleeding. Looks like he tried to commit suicide by slitting his wrists." Joey's mouth dropped open.
"Holy shit!" Joey cursed. "I knew there was something wrong, but I never thought..."
"You knew?" Chris spoke up. "YOU KNEW?"
"No, Chris, not like that! We all knew JC was depressed! But none of us know the reason why." Chris lowered his head back onto Brian's chest. The younger man just stood there, not saying a word as Chris cried. It was such a rare occurance.
"Can I see him?" Joey asked softly. Kevin nodded.
"Justin's in there with him now."
"Oh, God. You said Curly found him, right? And why didn't Chris tell me when I called to tell him about Lance?"
"Yeah," Brian said. "He called Chris in hysterics after you called him. That's why you didn't know until now. Nick and I were just heading out of the hotel when Chris' phone rang. When we finally understood what Justin was telling us, we ran back upstairs to be with him." Joey nodded and entered the room, taking in Justin crying at JC's bedside while JC lay silent and unresponsive.
"Justin?" Joey said. "Justin, are you ok?"
"What kind of question is that?" Justin demanded. "Josh fucking tried to kill himself! Of COURSE I'm not ok!"
"Curly..." Joey's voice trailed off. "Was there a note?"
"A what?"
"A note... you know, a letter JC left for us to find. Was there one?"
"I don't know. Everything is such a blur!"
"I need to know if he left a note behind," Joey said firmly. Justin looked at him, confused.
"Why? What's so important about that fucking letter?"
"I need to know something," Joey said cryptically. "I need to know why JC did this." Justin studied JC's hand, still within his own.
"I wish I knew the answer to the why, Joey," Justin said softly. "I really do. What would make JC think that suicide was the best option? Doesn't he realize that we love him?"
"Just, I know JC was in a lot of emotional pain earlier... I guess he thought that death was the only way he would escape it."
"But WHY was he in so much pain? And howcome you know this and I don't? I thought he was my best friend!"
"Justin, he is. I dragged some of it out of him earlier, that's all. He was shocked that I could read him like I did, when he managed to hide it from everyone else- even you."
"He could have come to me with anything," Justin said sadly. "God! What did I do to piss You off?" Justin yelled at no one in particular as he jumped up and started to pace the room. "Why did Josh try to kill himself? WHY?" By this time, Justin was nearly hysterical again. Joey grabbed him by the shoulders, forcing Justin to look at him.
"J, listen to me. It wasn't your fault. Do you hear me? JC's problems were his to deal with, and he chose not to talk to you. How could you have known he would do something this stupid?"
"Don't call him stupid!" Justin yelled as he wrenched away from Joey's grip. "I should have known."
"How?" Joey demanded.
"I just should have! The signs were there- he couldn't sleep, wouldn't eat, wouldn't look Lance in the face... fuck, Lance. How's he doing?" Justin asked, finally remembering his other friend. He had been too upset to comprehend when Chris had tried to update him earlier.
"The doctors are keeping him overnight for observation, but physically, he's fine," Joey said.
"And emotionally?"
"Not so great. But that's for him to tell you, not me."
"Joey? Justin?" Brian's voice came from the doorway.
"Yeah, Bri?" Justin asked as he returned to the chair at JC's side.
"We're going back to the hotel. Chris cried himself to sleep, and there's not much else we can do here. Kevin's with him in the waiting room while Nick went to get the limo. Joe, you coming? I know Justin's going to stay with JC, so I won't even bother asking him."
"Yeah, I'll come. Just let me stop by Lance's room for a second and tell him that if he needs one of us, Justin's here," Joey said as he gave Justin a hug.
"Sure," Brian said. Joey followed Brian, leaving Justin alone with JC. He just sat there, holding his friend's hand and wondering what made JC do what he did. Justin didn't know how much time passed before he heard a soft knock on the door.
"Come in," Justin called. Lance came into the room, limping slightly. Justin shot out of his chair in shock.
"Hi, Justin."
"Lance. What are you doing up and around?" he finally managed.
"I came to see him."
"Why?" Justin asked, thinking about Lance and JC's behavior earlier that day.
"Because.... I'm sorry. I'll leave."
"No, Lance! Fuck, I'm sorry... I'm just really tired. I still can't believe this happened. But that's besides the point... Please, sit," Justin said, offering the chair. Lance took it, sitting gingerly.
"Believe me, I understand. How is he?" Lance returned Justin's attention to JC's condition.
"Did Joey tell you what happened?" Justin asked. Lance nodded. Justin sighed and took a deep breath. "He lost a lot of blood, so he's in a coma."
Justin paused and studied Lance intently. "How are you feeling?" Lance looked surprised at the sudden change of subject.
"Me? I'm fine," Lance said. Justin raised an eyebrow.
"Fine? Lance, I hate to remind you, but you were just raped! How can you possibly be fine?"
"Justin, can we please change the subject?" Lance begged. "I'm not ready to talk about what happened yet."
"I'm sorry," Justin apologized. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
"Don't worry about it," Lance said. "What exactly did happen?"
"I thought you said Joey told you."
"He did, but I get the feeling he left a lot out."
"Glad to know I'm not the only one he confused!"
"What do you mean?"
"He asked about a suicide note. How am I supposed to remember a piece of paper amid all THAT?" Justin exclaimed. Lance half-smiled.
"I don't know, J."
"I just wish I knew why JC would want to commit suicide. What was so horrible that JC felt he had to die to escape it?"
"Guilt," Lance muttered under his breath.
"Excuse me?"
"Nothing," Lance lied. Justin narrowed his eyes, but didn't say anything.
"Shouldn't you be getting back to your room?" Justin finally asked. Lance glanced at the clock by the bedside.
"Yeah, I guess. See you later, Curly," Lance said, getting up and starting for the door.
"Night, Lance. If you need me, I'll be here."
"Thanks!" Lance called back over his shoulder as he left the room. Once more, Justin resumed his vigil at JC's bedside, silently praying for his friend to wake up and give him some answers. But none came.
The week after followed the same pattern. Lance was released the day after the rape and went back to the hotel, although he refused to spend any time with the members of the Backstreet Boys unless Chris and Joey were with him.
Chris was confused as hell, but Joey seemed to understand. Justin was practically living at the hospital, often falling asleep in the chair beside JC. Justin had found the suicide note the morning after JC's attempt, but he hadn't shared it's contents with the others. He didn't want to read it to them just yet. He wasn't ready.
"What now?" Joey asked one morning, on one of the rare occasions when all four of them were together.
"We wait," Justin said.
"For what?"
"For him to wake up."
"And then what?" Chris wanted to know.
"Therapy, I guess," Joey said. "For both him AND Lance. And no argueing with me this time- it's management's orders." Lance made a face, but he didn't say a word. "Another thing management wants is for the rest of us to go into therapy, too, so we know how to help if one of us ever feels like this again. Lance's therapy starts early next week, and the rest of us start going in about two weeks. I think we're even having a therapist come on tour with us." Surprisingly, Justin didn't fight when Joey made the announcement. Ever since JC's suicide attempt, Justin had been falling deeper and deeper into his own depression. Not even Nick could make him smile anymore, and they were really good friends. Nick could almost always make Justin smile, but no longer. The others were really starting to get worried.
"Justin, what's wrong?" Nick asked on the one week anniversary of JC's attempt to take his own life. He and Justin were in JC's room at the hospital, just sitting, waiting for answers that never came.
"What do you mean?"
"J, we're worried about you. I used to be able to make you smile, but I can't anymore."
"I just don't feel much like smiling these days."
"Justin..."
"Nick, just leave me alone. I'll be fine."
"That's what JC said," Nick muttered as he retreated from the room. Justin pretended not to hear him. He turned his attention to the silent figure on the bed.
"Josh... please don't leave me," Justin begged. "I don't know what I'll do without you. Josh, you're my best friend! How could you do this to me? How could you think of leaving me?" Justin started to cry, holding JC's hand in his own. He sat there for the longest time, studying his best friend's face. "Josh..."
"Justin," a voice said from the doorway.
"Yeah?" Justin asked, not turning around.
"Would you care to explain why Nick is in the waiting room, crying?"
"Brian, please."
"No, Justin, listen. We've put up with your moping all week! It's not the end of the world!"
"Fuck you, Brian!" Justin yelled. "You have no idea what it's been like for me! One of my closest friends was raped, and my best friend tried to commit suicide! And you're telling me it's NOT THE END OF THE WORLD?"
"Justin," Brian started. "Come back to the hotel for a while. We want to talk to you."
"I'm staying with JC," Justin stubbornly said. Brian shook his head and grabbed Justin's upper arm.
"Nick will stay with JC. You're coming back to the hotel." Justin weakly fought, but finally gave up and allowed Brian to lead him out of the hospital into a waiting limo. They were silent on the way to the hotel, too. When they arrived, Justin wordlessly followed Brian up to Joey's hotel room, where the remaining members of both bands sat. Justin started when he saw them.
"Justin, sit," Joey ordered. Justin sat on the chair Joey pointed to. Joey looked at Kevin briefly before continuing. "Justin, we're worried."
"Why?"
"Didn't Nick talk to you?" AJ asked. Justin nodded. "If Nick can't make you smile, then there's a problem."
"I don't feel much like smiling any more," Justin said.
"Justin, don't do this. Talk to us," Chris pleaded.
"What can I say?" Justin asked, sighing heavily. "One of my friends was raped, and my best friend tried to kill himself! What do you WANT me to say?" Following the outburst, Justin turned his gaze to the wall.
"Justin, this is affecting all of us, not just you," Lance tried. Justin didn't answer, just continued staring at the wall. There was a long silence. Finally, Justin spoke.
"You wanna know why JC tried to kill himself?" Justin quietly asked.
OK, I'm not crazy about this chapter in general, so please e-mail me and tell me what you think! reader_colleen@hotmail.com