DISCLAIMER: I do not know any of these people, neither do I know their sexual orientations. This story is NOT REAL. If you're too young to be reading this, please go away. And, as I am a "chick", don't expect much sex. I've managed to get this far without any, and I don't there's going to be any soon, K? Feedback is good (reader_colleen@hotmail.com). Thanks go out to Joey (love ya, girl!), Becca, Cele, Yuli, Gabriella, Jayne, and all the rest of the members of the *NSync slash e-group. You guys are the greatest!!
While I'm at it, let me say "GO READ THESE STORIES!!!": "I Need You Tonight" and "Starcrossed" by Joey, "Superman Can't Fly" by Dayse, "Remembering Petticoat Lane" by Becca, "Playing For Keeps" by Kimmer, "Busta" by Yuli, "Not Meant to Be/Beyond What Is" by Kyle, and "Dirty Little Secrets" by Myka, "Justin's Journal" by Jamie, "*NSync Lance & JC" by Kevin, and "Justin's Secrets" by DivaKitT. Those are my current favorite stories, although there are too many wonderful stories to mention in a single disclaimer!
I have a webpage for this story now! It can be found at http://www.geocities.com/reader_colleen. Please check it out, as the chapters are posted a couple of days ahead of when I send them to David. Now, after all that babbling, onto the good stuf! grin
Chapter 8: Don't Think I Can Make It Alone
"You wanna know why JC tried to kill himself?" Justin quietly asked. The others exchanged looks before Joey nodded.
"I think this is as good a time as any," he said. Justin sighed before he got up and headed for his room. A few minutes later, he was back, carrying the letter he had found that morning. Returning to his chair, Justin looked at each of the people in the room- Brian, Kevin, Howie, AJ, Chris, Joey and Lance- before starting to read the letter out loud.
***** For the guys-
How do I even start this? God, I've fucked up so much.
Lance, I know you can never forgive me for what I did... Only God knows I can never forgive myself! I always swore I'd be there for my best friends and I broke that promise... I betrayed the trust of one of my brothers. And you hate me for it now. Lance, I am so, so sorry for what I did. I know that doesn't make it any better, but it's the least I can do. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for so many things, Lance... Just know that I never meant to hurt you. Please, if you believe nothing else I've said, believe that. I honest-to-God never meant to hurt you, but I did. And I'm sorry. But, Lance, don't shut Joey out when he wants to help you. He loves you so much.
Don't push him away, please?
Joey, take care of him. Make sure he doesn't hurt any more. You know how much I hate to see Lance in pain! I know you love him like I never could, and I know he loves you too. Never forget that, Joe. Love can get you through the worst times in your life... don't ever forget that love you two share, Joey. And don't let Lance forget it either. I believe in your love.
What you've got there is the best thing you'll ever have. You're a very lucky man, Joseph Fatone. Luckier than you realize. Also, I want to thank you. You helped me so much over the last few days... you'll never know how much that means to me. You are the best friend a person could ever have. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Chris, what can I say other than you're the glue that's held us together through the years. You've been there for me more times then I can ever count. I'm just sorry that I never got to repay you for everything you've done. If it wasn't for you, I'd be nowhere. I wouldn't have you or the rest of the guys. How can I thank you for bringing me four of the best friends- and brothers- I ever had? But I have a request to make of you: don't let Justin fall apart, please? Just because I'm too much of a coward to face my own problems, I don't want him to hurt. I don't want my J to be in pain. Do this for me, Chris? I love you, and I'm sorry I'm not the man you thought I was.
Now, Justin. God, what can I say to you to explain all this? I'm sorry that I hurt you, Curly. You're my best friend, the one I turned to whenever I needed help, a shoulder to cry on, or whatever. You grew up right before my eyes, J, I am so proud of you. You've become the man I always knew you would be, and I can't tell you how much I love you for being so wonderful. You've been there for me when no one else has... how can I say 'thank you' enough? I'm sorry for shutting you out this last while, but trust me, there was nothing you could have done to help me. I fucked up all on my own, and I have to finish it now. I love you, Justin, but I'm too much of a coward to say it to your face... to convince you that this is the best way. Please don't hate me for what I've done. I don't want to die knowing that you hate me. There's a line in the original 'Highlander' movie, when Connor's mortal wife is dying. She says to him, "Will you light a candle, and remember me on my birthday?". Will you do that, J? Will you remember me? I love you, Justin. I always will, no matter how far apart we are. Please don't forget that.
Finally, my family. I don't have any words to express what I feel to them... Read this letter to them someday. I don't think I have the strength to write another one. Tell them that I love them and that I'm sorry for not being the son and brother they wanted me to be. Joey, tell them what I told you in the bathroom of the movie theatre that day... and tell them that they did a good job of raising me, despite all that's happened.. Tell them... You know that line in "Adam's Song" by Blink-182, "Please tell mom this is not her fault"? Well, it's true. It's my own damn fault, and now I'm going to fix it. I know this is the coward's way out, but I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry.
I love you guys.
Joshua Scott Chasez
By the time the letter was finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the room. Justin had tears running down his face, Lance had broken down into sobs and was buried in Joey's chest while Joey himself cried, and Chris had his face buried in his hands as he sobbed. The Backstreet Boys sat there in shock, tears streaming from their eyes. Justin was the first to pull himself together.
"I'm going back to the hospital," Justin announced as he got up, clutching the letter in his hand. Nobody made any move to stop him and Justin quickly fled the room. Once he was gone, the others tried to compose themselves.
"God, I never knew he felt that bad," Chris said in a tear-choked voice. "What was so bad that he couldn't talk to us about it? Hell, why couldn't he talk to Justin about it?"
"He didn't want us to hate him," Lance supplied.
"Why would we hate him?" Joey wanted to know.
"That's for JC to say."
"Lance, JC isn't here."
"Please, leave it be. JC asked me not to say anything and I won't."
"Lance, I commend you protecting your friend, but we want to understand why he did what he did."
"I'm not lying when I say I don't know why he decided death was the only option," Lance said.
"So we wait now," Brian spoke up. "We wait for JC to wake up and give us the answers."
"That's all we can do, Bri," Kevin said. "We can only wait."
When Justin arrived at the hospital, he found Nick sitting in JC's room, reading the newspaper aloud.
"What are you doing?" Justin asked, causing Nick to look up at the sudden intrusion.
"Reading to him."
"Why?"
"The doctor said that talking to him helps. He said coma patients have reported hearing familiar voices while in their comas, so he suggested I read to him."
"Is it working?" Nick looked down at JC's silent figure.
"It takes time for a body to heal, J," he said. Justin nodded and sat on the edge of JC's bed and took his friend's hand.
"Did Brian call you?" Justin asked after a long silence, broken only by the beeps of the machines surrounding JC- the machine that helped him breathe, the heart monitor, the IV... there were so many machines... Justin didn't like them, but he understood their importance in keeping JC alive. He spaced for a second, not even hearing Nick's response to his question.
"Justin? I said yes, Brian called me," Nick said, drawing Justin's mind back into the present.
"Did he read you the note?"
"J, you took it with you when you left," Nick reminded him. Justin reached into one of his pockets and found the note. He studied it for a long while until Nick gently took it out of his hands and read it. By the time he was done, he was crying.
"I had the same reaction," Justin said. Nick jumped, momentarily forgetting that Justin was even in the room.
"God, what happened?"
"I wish I knew, Nicky. I really do."
Back at the hotel, the Backstreet Boys had left the *NSync guys alone for the first time in days. The two groups had essentially become one throughout the ordeal, although it was difficult for both Lance and Joey to face them every day. Joey still didn't know who Lance's rapist was, because Lance was jumpy around all 5 members of Backstreet, not just one in particular. For their part, Backstreet took it all in stride, assuming that Lance was jumpy simply because he didn't know them as well as his own bandmates.
The two groups had been friends for years, despite what the media led the fans to believe. Nick and Justin had become very close friends over the years, which was the reason that Nick and Justin were at the hospital together, while the remaining four Backstreet Boys stayed at the hotel for a day of relaxation and the rest of *NSync discussed the day's plans.
"So, what are we doing today?" Chris asked Lance and Joey. The couple looked at each other and shrugged.
"I think I start therapy tomorrow," Lance said. Joey nodded and Lance made a slight face. Joey glared at him and the two had a silent battle of the wills with their eyes before Lance backed down and studied the floor.
"OK, what about today?" Chris asked, choosing to ignore them.
"I don't really feel up to anything," Lance replied. Chris looked at Joey with pleading eyes.
"I think Chris is going stir-crazy... you wanna go shopping or something?" Chris nodded energetically. "You going to come, Lance?" Joey asked.
"No. I think I'll go to the hospital. That way I won't be alone."
"Whatever, man," Chris told him. "You want us to drop you off?"
"Sure, just let me call Justin and tell him that I'm on my way." Ten minutes later, the three were on their way. After dropping Lance off in front of the hospital, Joey and Chris took off for a day of shopping.
"Justin?" Lance asked from the doorway. He had heard loud voices as he walked down the hall to JC's room, and was wondering what on earth was going on. He peeked inside the room to find Justin and Nick standing nose-to-nose in the middle of the room, trying to stare each other down. When Lance's voice was heard, both boys tore their gazes away from each other.
"Yeah, L?" Justin said.
"What on earth?"
"Nick told me that North Carolina sucks at basketball! That is sooo not true!!"
"Justin, WHAT?"
"Nick told me that the North Carolina basketball team sucks. Lance, are you deaf?"
"No, I just wasn't sure I caught what you said." Justin smiled briefly.
"Nick, you are so dead!" Justin threatened, returning his gaze to the other blond. Nick grinned and started backing up when Justin suddenly tackled him and they started wrestling on the floor of JC's hospital room. Lance shook his head and walked over to JC's bedside. He stood for a long moment, studying the still figure before he realized that there was silence in the room.
Without turning around, Lance said, "Either you guys killed each other or you have something to say to me."
"Ummm..." Nick stuttered.
"Yeah?"
"You didn't freak out that I'm here," Nick said. Lance frowned.
"Was I supposed to?" Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Justin elbowing Nick in the ribs, but it was too late. Lance wasn't about to let this go now, so he sighed and turned around to face the pair.
"Well, every other time you've been in the same room as me, or Kev, Brian, AJ, or Howie, you freak out. And yet you didn't freak out just now. Why?"
"Justin's here," Lance said, hoping he sounded convincing.
"But why do you freak out with us?" Lance just stood there, not saying a word. He couldn't tell, not here, not now. He needed Joey... but Joey was out with Chris... Please, God, do something! Lance mentally cried. His prayer was answered in the form of a sigh. At first, the three men in the room didn't think anything of it until they realized simultaneously that the sigh came from behind Lance- yet both Nick and Justin were in front of him. The only other person in the room was...
"JOSH!" Justin half-yelled, jumping at the bed. JC hadn't opened his eyes, but he sighed again. Nick ran out of the room to get a doctor while Lance tried to fade into the shadows in the corner. Two minutes later, the room was full of people. Justin looked like he was about to cry while Nick stood behind him, hugging him.
"Good news, Mr. Timberlake," the doctor in charge said. "I think your friend has returned to us!" Justin's knees started to give out before Nick grabbed him and pushed him into the nearest chair. Looking over at JC, he noticed that the other man still hadn't opened his eyes, but his face wasn't as pale as it had been hours earlier. Justin glanced over at Nick, who was smiling so hard his face looked like it would crack. He looked for Lance, but didn't see him.
"Lance?" Justin called. There was a noise in the corner.
"Yeah?" Lance asked, not moving out of the shadows.
"What are you doing back there?"
"When JC wakes up, he's not going to want to see me," Lance said. "I'll call Joey and tell him the news..."
"Can you call my band, too?" Nick requested. "I want to stay here with Justin."
"Sure," Lance said, leaving the room and getting his cell phone out of his pocket. He walked down the hall a little before finding an empty waiting room. Sitting on one of the chairs, he dialled Joey's cell.
"Hey, Lance!" Joey's cheerful voice greeted him after two rings. "What's shaking?"
"JC's awake," Lance said flatly. "He hasn't opened his eyes yet, but the doctors said it's only a matter of time before he fully wakes up."
"That's great!" Joey shouted. Lance cringed at the loud sound. "Sorry, Lance... do you want us to come straight to the hospital?"
"Would you?"
"Just let me and Chris finish lunch and then we're there, OK?"
"Thanks, Joe. See you in a while."
"Love you, Lance," Joey said softly.
"I love you, too," Lance returned before Joey hung up. Lance took a deep breath and dialled another number.
"Yo!"
"Brian, it's Lance."
"Oh, hey! What's up?"
"JC's awake. Nick wanted me to call and tell you guys that." Lance heard Brian cover the mouthpiece and shout "JC's awake!" to the others. There came the sound of muffled yells and cheers before Brian took his hand off the phone.
"We're on our way!" Brian said before hanging up. Lance laughed softly before closing his own phone and stretching. His mind wandering back to what was going on in JC's room, Lance wondered what this meant for the group. If JC was awake, that meant the others would want him to explain some of the stuff he said in his note, and that was the last thing Lance wanted right now. He and JC needed to talk about it first, but he got the feeling that JC didn't want to talk to him. He sat there, thinking about the whole situation for at least twenty minutes before standing up.
"God, what a mess," Lance muttered to himself as he slowly walked back into JC's room. Justin and Nick were quietly talking, Justin still holding JC's hand. Lance smiled at the sight and once again tried to fade into the shadows before either boy saw him. No such luck.
"You get lost?" Nick teased. Lance blushed.
"You get a hold of them?" Justin asked, smacking his friend's arm. Lance sighed quietly and approached the bed.
"They're all on their way. Backstreet is probably going to be here before Chris and Joey because they're coming from the hotel directly. Joey and Chris are out shopping somewhere, and they wanted to finish lunch first."
"Always thinking about their stomachs," Justin complained good-naturedly. Lance and Nick both laughed.
"Why didn't you go with them?" Nick asked.
"I didn't feel like it. I start therapy tomorrow," Lance explained. Nick nodded understandingly and fell silent again. Just then, four bodies came skidding into the room at a dead run. They piled into one another and all started talking at once.
"How is he?" "Is he awake?" "Justin, is JC going to be OK?" "GUYS! Give him a chance to answer!" That last shout came from Kevin, still standing in the doorway. Everybody looked at him and he blushed.
"No, JC's not awake yet, although the doctor said it could be soon. And I don't know if JC's going to be OK, but the outlook is good. He just needs time." Brian and Howie relaxed and stood against the wall while AJ and Kevin came farther into the room. Lance tried his hardest to fade into the wallpaper, but he sneezed suddenly, drawing everyone's attention in his direction.
"Sorry," Lance said quietly, inching back against the wall. Kevin frowned and walked in his direction, but stopped when he saw Lance's face go white and his body tense up like a coiled spring. Shaking his head, Kevin walked back to AJ's side, Lance relaxing with every step he moved in the other direction. He started talking to Justin and Nick, ignoring Lance. Joey and Chris arrived ten minutes later.
"Hey!" Chris greeted Backstreet cheerfully. Joey grunted what faintly resembled a 'hello' before crossing over to Lance and kissing him. By this time, they all knew about Lance and Joey's relationship, so they all smiled at the show of affection.
"You OK?" Joey asked quietly. Lance rested his head on Joey's shoulder for a moment, his arms around his boyfriend's waist.
"They're all in here at once..." Lance whispered in Joey's ear.
"I'm sorry," Joey said. "Why didn't you tell me they were coming?"
"Cause I didn't know until after I called you," Lance replied. "Brian answered the phone when I called and all he said was that they were on their way." Joey wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and gently kissed him. Lance allowed himself to relax a bit, enjoying their closeness. Howie glanced out the door to see if anyone was coming and nearly collided with the doctor, who was on his way in.
"Hey!" Howie yelled in surprise as they fell in a heap just outside the doorway. Joey and Lance broke apart quickly and stepped away from each other before the doctor came in, dusting himself off. He frowned when he saw all the people.
"We don't allow this many people in a room," the doctor said sternly.
"We'll leave," Kevin volunteered. "We're not part of his group, we're just good friends." The doctor nodded and four of the five Backstreet Boys left.
Nick stayed behind, refusing to leave Justin. Joey quickly glanced at Lance for his reaction and found Lance's face expressionless, as usual, although his eyes weren't quite as shadowed as they had been earlier, when all ten of them had been in the same room. Joey drew the conclusion that is wasn't Nick who was raping Lance, so Nick was OK.
"It's alright, doctor," Joey said. "Nick can stay." The doctor nodded and withdrew again after examining JC's vitals and writing something on a chart.
Hours passed with no sign of life from JC. Chris had gone back to the waiting room to catch a nap with the members of Backstreet, who had remained close by throughout the night. Joey and Lance sat on an extra blanket on the floor in the corner, cuddling. Justin and Nick sat on either side of JC's bed, taking turns talking to him about different things. Eventually, though, they all started to fall asleep. Lance was using Joey as a pillow, Joey was dozing, Nick was yawning, and even just was fighting to stay awake.
All of a sudden, Justin felt pressure on his hand, still locked in JC's.
"Josh?" Justin asked sleepily. No verbal response, but his hand was squeezed again. "JC, are you awake?" The sound of Justin's voice brought Joey out of his half-asleep state and he quickly woke Lance up. Nick ran to get Chris, who ran into the room thirty seconds later, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
"Is he awake?" Chris demanded.
"He just squeezed my hand twice," Justin said excitedly. The doctor came into the room just then, a nurse trailing behind. They checked JC's vitals before conversing quietly with each other for a moment. The nurse left, and the doctor turned to the rest of *NSync.
"He's definately starting to come out of the coma," he announced. "It shouldn't be long now." Almost before the words were out of the doctor's mouth, Justin let out a yell.
"His eyes are moving!" Sure enough, JC's eyelids were fluttering. They fluttered for a minute before his eyes fully opened and attempted to focus. The first thing he felt was a hand entwined with his own, so his eyes focused on the person's face. It was Justin, looking like he was about to cry. Chris, Joey and Lance crowded behind him, Joey and Lance with their hands linked. There was a strange man in a white coat in the room, who JC assumed was the doctor. His eyes returned to Justin's and he attempted a smile.
"Hi, J," he croaked, his throat dry. Justin burst into tears at the sound of his best friend's voice, scratchy as it was. JC's eyes roamed the room and focused on Lance for a brief moment, but he quickly looked away again. He didn't want to face Lance just yet. He squeezed Justin's hand again, trying to comfort him.
"Josh... I thought I'd lost you.... why'd you try to leave me?" Justin sobbed. JC looked away.
"I... I don't know."
"You tried to kill yourself for a reason," Joey said harshly. JC blanched.
"Joey, please..." his voice trailed off and he turned away from his groupmates. The doctor stepped in at that moment.
"Mr. Chasez needs his rest," he said firmly. Chris approached the bed and put his hand gently on JC's back.
"We'll see you later, Josh," Chris said gently. JC smiled to himself. Chris only called him Josh when he was being extremely serious. JC nodded his head to show Chris he understood, feeling empty when the older man's hand left his back. Joey and Lance had already left, leaving Justin and JC alone with Chris.
"Come on, J," Chris told Justin. Justin shook his head.
"I'm staying," he said firmly.
"Justin, go with him," JC said. "I'll be fine."
"Josh, I don't want to leave you!" Justin exclaimed.
"I assume Backstreet's here?"
"Yeah."
"If you're that worried, ask one of them to stay with me," JC suggested, still not looking at Justin. "I want you to go back to the hotel and get some sleep."
"But Josh..."
"Justin."
"I'll ask Nick or Brian to stay," Justin finally sighed. "I'll see you later, JC." Then he was gone, pulled out of the room by Chris. Once they were gone, JC allowed himself to cry. He lay in his hospital bed, tears streaming down his face until Brian walked into the room.
"JC? What's wrong?" he demanded. JC tried to stop crying, but it wasn't working. Brian sat on the bed and pulled JC to him, being careful of the wires and tubes still running into JC's body. He pulled JC onto his lap so that JC was lying across him, his head against Brian's shoulder. He just held JC until the younger man cried himself into an exhausted sleep. Even after JC was asleep, Brian still held him, rocking him gently.
"JC, why did you do that?" Brian asked the sleeping figure quietly, resting his forehead on the top of JC's dark head. "Do you know the hell you put Justin through? The hell the rest of us endured? Oh, Josh... what made you decide death was the answer? I wish you would talk to me... I hate it when you cry, you know that? I love you, Joshua Chasez... I only wish I was strong enough to tell you when you're awake. Maybe someday I'll be able to say something. But not today. I have always loved you, Josh. I just wish I could tell you!" Feeling tears well up in his own eyes, Brian rested his cheek on JC's head and drifted off into sleep.