DISCLAIMER: I do not know any of these people, neither do I know their sexual orientations. This story is NOT REAL. If you're too young to be reading this, please go away. And, as I am a "chick", don't expect much- if any- sex. I've managed to get this far without any, and I don't there's going to be any soon, K? Feedback is good (reader_colleen@hotmail.com). Thanks go out to Joey (love ya, girl!), Becca, Cele, Yuli, Gabriella, Jayne, and all the rest of the members of the *NSync slash e-group. You guys are the greatest!!
While I'm at it, let me say "GO READ THESE STORIES!!!": "I Need You Tonight" and "Starcrossed" by Joey, "Superman Can't Fly" by Dayse, "Remembering Petticoat Lane" by Becca, "Playing For Keeps" by Kimmer, "Busta" by Yuli, "Not Meant to Be/Beyond What Is" by Kyle, "Dirty Little Secrets" by Myka, "Justin's Journal" by Jamie, "*NSync Lance & JC" by Kevin, and "Justin's Secrets" by DivaKitT. Those are my current favorite stories, although there are too many wonderful stories to mention in a single disclaimer!
I have a webpage for this story now, as well as for my other stories! It can be found at http://www.geocities.com/reader_colleen. Please check it out, as the chapters are posted a couple of days ahead of when I send them to David. Now, after all that babbling, onto the good stuf! grin
Chapter 9: So Many Words
At the hotel, Justin was having trouble sleeping. He was worried about JC, worried about Lance, worried about himself... He wasn't used to being the one giving the comfort to JC, usually it was the other way around. It was a role he knew he'd have to get used to, because JC needed his support and love more than anything else. But Justin couldn't help getting mad at JC for trying to leave him. Every time he felt the anger, he quickly swallowed it and tried to think about JC needing him. Sometimes, it worked, sometimes it didn't. Tonight was one of the latter. He heard a knock on his door, which brought him out of his musings. Answering it, he found a sleepy-looking Nick on the other side.
"Nicky!" Justin exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"
"I couldn't sleep," Nick said. Justin opened the door wider, inviting Nick in.
"What's up?" Justin asked, closing the door as Nick went and sat on Justin's bed.
"I'm worried about Bri."
"Why?"
"He's been so quiet recently. We used to do everything together, and now I hardly ever see him. I ask him if I did something wrong, but he won't tell me. He just tells me that he's fine and he'll deal with it on his own." Nick's words came out as a rush. His voice was pained, his face sad.
"You're worried about Brian because of JC," Justin surmised. Nick nodded, not meeting Justin's eyes.
"From what you said, JC was the same way before..."
"Before he tried to kill himself? Oh, Nicky, I don't know what to tell you. I feel like I failed my best friend, so how can I possibly give you advice about yours?"
"Nobody else would understand."
"What makes you think I do?" Justin asked sadly. Nick smiled softly.
"I don't know. You just seemed so strong."
"Me?" Justin laughed ironically. "Usually it's me falling apart and JC patching me back up. I'm not used to this new role. I don't want to be the strong one, but I have no choice. Josh needs me. Nicky, all I can tell you is be there for Brian, and listen if he tries to tell you something. There are ways other than words to communicate, and that's where I think I went wrong. Josh told me with his actions that he needed help, but I didn't listen."
"You couldn't have known, Justin."
"But I should have. I've known Josh for 8 years. By now I should know him well enough to realize when he's talking to me."
"I've known Bri for almost 10, and I haven't seen any non-verbal forms of communication."
"Maybe you're not looking for them."
"Justin!"
"I'm sorry, Nicky. I didn't mean that like it came out. Have you tried getting someone else to talk to him?"
"That's the whole problem, J. He won't talk to anyone. He won't even talk to Kevin! I tried last week, believe me. I've tried everything!"
"That's bad," Justin said. Nick snorted.
"You don't have to tell me that twice!"
"Nicky, I'm sorry I can't be more help..."
"Justin, don't worry about it. You've helped me a lot, actually."
"How?"
"You've shown me that I should listen more to Brian. Maybe I'm just need to learn to listen a little bit harder. Thanks, J."
"Anytime, Nicky," Justin said.
"You are the only person other than Brian and Kevin who is allowed to call me that, you realize?"
"I feel so honored," Justin teased. "Night, Nicky."
"Night, Curly," Nick replied, letting himself out of Justin's room. Justin sighed heavily and got back into bed.
"Josh, why?" Justin whispered as he lay staring at the ceiling. "What was so bad between you and Lance that you tried to kill yourself? Lance acts around you like he acts around the guys from Backstreet... what is going on?
And why didn't I take my own advice earlier, and realize that you were talking to me, even though it wasn't in words? Oh, Josh... I'm sorry. I failed you, and I am sorry. I hope I can make it up to you someday." Finally, Justin fell asleep, his thoughts rolling around his head like marbles.
Down the hall, Joey and Lance were preparing for bed.
"Joey, will you sleep with me tonight?" Lance asked shyly. Joey looked up from his side of the room. Ever since the rape, Lance almost never let Joey touch him. He also still wouldn't tell Joey who his rapist was. It took a lot of willpower not to punch all five members of Backstreet, although Joey had a pretty good idea it wasn't Nick. Nick had been downstairs with him, Chris, Justin and JC while the rape was happening. He didn't think it was Kevin either, but something about Kevin made Lance nervous, so Joey didn't rule him out.
"If you want me to," Joey responded, coming over to stand beside Lance. Lance's whole body relaxed and he allowed himself to smile. He felt a lot better all of a sudden. He knew he was driving Joey crazy by not telling him who the rapist was, but Lance was scared. He was scared not only for his own life, but for Joey's as well. His rapist knew Lance and Joey were dating, and he would do something to Joey, just to hurt Lance. It wouldn't have been the first time the rapist threatened someone else, someone he cared about, in order to get Lance to co-operate.
"I do," Lance said, reaching over to hug Joey. Joey wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and gently kissed him. Lance sighed with contentment and kissed Joey back with more passion then he realized he had in him. Joey looked down at him, surprised. It was the first really passionate kiss since the rape. Maybe Lance really was recovering like he said he was. It did Joey's heart good to know that Lance wasn't hurting as much anymore.
"Your bed or mine?" Joey asked.
"Yours. I like the idea of sleeping with you on your bed." Joey laughed softly and walked backwards to his bed, his arms never leaving Lance. Lance laughed when Joey's legs hit the bed and they fell onto it in a heap. They lay there for a while, Lance wrapped in Joey's arms, resting his head on Joey's shoulder. It was comfortable for both of them. Lance was starting to trust Joey again, and Joey was learning not to push Lance. After a long while, Lance let out another contented sigh.
"Comfy?" Joey asked, kissing Lance on the top of his blond head. Lance nodded into Joey's chest.
"Very," he almost purred. Joey grinned as Lance snuggled in closer.
"If you got any closer, you'd be inside my body," Joey lightly teased.
"Would that be so bad?" Lance asked almost seductively. Joey pushed Lance off his chest to look into his eyes.
"Lance, you are not ready for that," Joey said firmly. Lance looked at him, his pale green eyes confused.
"What?"
"It's only been a week!"
"But I trust you."
"Lance, trust is good, but you're not ready. Hell, I'M not ready."
"I'm not good enough?" Lance asked, sitting up.
"Lance, don't ever think that! But if we do this now, you're going to think about the rape and you're going to get upset. I can't stand it when you're upset. It makes me feel so helpless! And I don't like that feeling."
"But I want to."
"Sweetheart..." Joey started, reaching up to pull Lance back to him. Lance pushed his hand away and got out of bed.
"Don't bother," Lance said coldly.
"Lance, please," Joey pleaded. "Give us time."
"I just want to forget about this whole thing!" Lance cried. Joey quickly got out of bed and grabbed Lance in a hug.
"You go to the therapist tomorrow, love," Joey said. "Maybe he or she can help us both to forget about the whole thing." Lance leaned back into Joey's arms and sighed, giving in.
"I wanna go to bed."
"You still want to stay with me?" Joey asked softly. Lance nodded, so Joey led him back to the bed and they lay down under the covers. Lance fell asleep with his head buried in Joey's neck, feeling safe for the first time in nearly five years.
JC woke up the next morning, still cradled in Brian's arms. What the...? JC asked himself. I don't remember Brian coming into my room last night. JC shifted his position, trying not to wake Brian up, but it was too late.
"Morning, JC," Brian greeted him sleepily.
"Hi, Bri," JC said. "What are you doing here?"
"Justin asked me to stay with you."
"Justin... of course."
"How are you feeling?"
"Like a train ran over me," JC smiled.
"You look like roadkill," Brian said, laughing. JC poked him.
"Hey! No insulting the bedridden!"
"It wasn't an insult," Brian retorted. "It was a fact."
"Watch it, buster!" JC warned, sitting up. He then realized that he was in a rather awkward position, lying across Brian's lap like he had been. If he attempted to get up, a certain body part would be painfully squashed. JC frowned and lay back again.
"What's wrong?"
"Ummm..." JC stuttered, turning red. "Brian, I don't want to hurt you."
"How will you hurt me?" Brian asked, confused.
"Umm..." JC shifted his position again, as if he were going to get up. Brian immediately felt the pinch and gasped.
"Yeow!"
"Told you," JC smirked, returning to his previous position. He rested his head against Brian's shoulder and relaxed, feeling a sense of contentment overcome him. Brian's breath caught when JC put his head down, but he forced himself to breathe normally. He needed to act like he always did, lest JC suspect something. They sat like that, enjoying each other's silent company until the doctor arrived.
"Good morning!" he called cheerfully as he walked through the door. "How do you feel this morning, JC?" Brian and JC exchanged looks, confused. He hadn't even blinked at their compromising position.
"Like I've been hit by a train," JC confessed. Dr. Miniew clucked his tongue.
"I'm going to need you on the bed," he said. JC blushed and once again attempted to get off Brian, and this time he managed it without any damage to Brian's manhood. Brian stood up and stretched.
"I need food," he announced. "I'll be back in about ten minutes, Josh."
"Later, Bri," JC said as Dr. Miniew checked his heart rate. Brian quickly left, his mind in turmoil. JC seemed oblivious to Brian's conflicting emotions, but he never really knew what was going on in the other man's mind. JC was a mystery to Brian, albeit a good one. For the better part of a year he had loved JC, but he knew nothing would ever come of it. He could tell that JC was deeply in love with someone else, and he also saw that it was slowly destroying him. Justin had called him once or twice in the past few months, wanting to know if he had any knowledge of JC's thoughts. He didn't, although he wished he did. If he did, maybe this pain in his heart would ease.
"JC..." Brian whispered softly to himself as he walked along, nearly colliding with a body in the process.
"Oh, hey, Brian," the person said. Brian looked up to find Justin looking down at him. "You OK?"
"Yeah, J, I'm fine. I just slept kinda funny."
"Oh. Josh up?"
"The doctor's in there with him now," Brian said. "I was just heading for breakfast."
"Can I join you?"
"Sure," Brian responded, sensing that Justin wanted to talk. Silently, they walked to the cafeteria and grabbed some coffee and cereal. Throughout their meal, Brian kept sneaking looks at Justin, wondering what he needed to talk to Brian about. Once they were done, Justin cleared his throat.
"Does JC hate me?" Justin asked suddenly. Brian blinked in surprise.
"I don't think so."
"Don't think so?"
"Justin, JC wasn't in any condition last night to talk," Brian shot at him.
"He didn't say anything to me about you at all. What makes you think he hates you?"
"He tried to leave me," Justin said in a small voice. Brian's heart twisted.
"Oh, J, he doesn't hate you, I'm sure of it. From what I managed to worm out of Joey the other night, he's just been going through a lot emotionally."
"He could have come to me," Justin protested. Brian sighed.
"Justin, I don't know what to say to you. You already seem to have your mind made up about JC, so why even bother saying anything?" Justin glared at Brian, but was silent. They sat there for a few more minutes before Justin got up and headed in the direction of JC's room. Before he got there, however, Brian caught him.
"Justin, please... don't ask him to explain himself. He's not ready, not yet."
"How would YOU know?" Justin snapped. Brian took a step back, hurt.
"Do whatever you want," Brian said in a similar tone of voice. "I don't care if he really does end up hating you because you're pushing him." With that, Brian was gone. Justin stared after him, trying not to think about how true his words were. Was he pushing JC to talk about something he didn't want to? Maybe today he'd take Brian's advice and keep his mouth shut. If JC wanted to talk, he knew where to find Justin.
Justin took a deep breath before entering JC's room. JC was alone, the doctor having finished his exam.
"Morning, Justin," JC said almost cheerfully. "Did you see Brian on your way in?"
"I asked him if I could talk to you alone, actually." JC looked away, his face suddenly sad again.
"Justin, please don't ask me to explain my actions. It was an incredibly stupid thing for me to do. I don't even know why I did it anymore."
"Josh, stop. You're not ready to talk yet. I just wanted to know if you needed anything while you were here. That, and to tell you that Johnny set up appointments with a therapist for you and Lance both."
"Are we seeing the therapist together?" JC asked in a panicked voice.
"No, seperately. Josh..."
"Justin!"
"I wasn't going to ask! I was just going to say that you actually look pretty good." JC blushed and studied the bed. "Anyways, the others will come by later. Joey's coming after he drops Lance off at the therapist's. Your first appointment is tomorrow at 10 a.m., and I'm taking you, so no arguements. Chris is coming with Kevin and Howie later. AJ will be here eventually. He kinda vanished last night. Nick is on his way, I think. I left as he was just finishing his shower."
"10 a.m.? Justin, there is NO WAY you're gonna get up that early just to take me to an appointment!"
"JC, what did I just say?"
"I didn't argue- I was stating a fact!" Justin stuck his tongue out as Brian and Nick poked their heads in the room.
"JC!" Nick exclaimed. JC smiled.
"Hey, Nick. What's up?" For the next hour, the four of them just chatted, never mentioning the reason JC was in the hospital. It was very refreshing, and Justin could see that JC was starting to relax a little more. He opened is mouth and caught Brian's eye. Brian was gently shaking his head, warning Justin to keep his questions to himself for the time being. Justin closed his mouth again, trying to make it look like a yawn.
"Tired, J?" JC asked, concerned.
"Not really. How are you feeling?"
"We went through this," JC teased lightly, pinching Justin's arm.
"You're feeling better!"
"I'm bored," JC complained. "I mean, I've been awake for less than twenty-four hours and I'm already bored!"
"Want us to bring you some board games?" Brian asked. JC nodded eagerly.
"Would you?"
"Give me a second." With that, Brian flipped open his cell phone and made a quick call to Kevin. After asking his cousin to pick up a couple of games at the nearest toy store, he turned back to JC. "Need anything else?"
"To be out of here?" JC said.
"Other than that."
"Not right now. Give me an hour and I'll give you a list a mile long!" Brian laughed and finished his phone conversation. He hung up the phone and turned back to JC.
"Kevin, Chris and Howie will be here in about an hour. AJ is nowhere to be seen, Joey and Lance just left for the therapist's, and Nick and I have to leave."
"Why?"
"Kevin just told me that there's a newspaper that wants to interview us."
"Damn! Sorry, JC. We'll stay longer next time, promise," Nick said. "And Justin, you wanna go shopping later?"
"Sure!" Justin exclaimed. "I'll call you when Chris, Howie and Kev get here, OK?"
"Sounds good. Bye, JC! Again, I'm really sorry."
"It's cool, Nick. I understand. Anyway, I have Justin here with me for a while."
"See you later, JC!" Brian called as he and Nick left.
"Later, Bri. And thanks!" JC called back. Once they were gone, JC turned back to Justin, half-asleep in his chair.
"Come here," JC said, patting the bed next to him.
"Hunh?"
"Come here, J. You can catch a nap with me." Justin smiled and crawled up beside JC, who obligingly moved over enough for his friend to fit. Justin curled his long limbs around JC, wrapping his arms around the other man in the process. JC put his arms around Justin until it almost looked like they were lovers and not just very close friends. They fell asleep like that, not even waking when Kevin, Howie, and Chris walked in the room. They quickly left, however, not wanting to disturb the sleepers. Kevin left the bag of games beside JC's bed, along with a short note, explaining that AJ still hadn't come back, so not to bother waiting for him to show up. When Justin found the note after he woke up a few hours later, he tucked it into the bag of games and kissed JC gently on the cheek before calling Nick to come get him for their shopping "date".
True to his word, Justin in the hospital's waiting area at 9:30 the next morning. JC had been wheeled out of his room (not his choice- hospital policy- but at the same time he was glad for the chair because his legs didn't quite feel steady yet) to find Justin's sunny face waiting for him. JC's mood had been pretty black up to that point, but seeing his best friend's smile brightened his mood a little. He was still worried, though. He knew the therapist was going to ask him about Lance, and he couldn't talk about that, not yet. He knew he wasn't strong enough, but maybe someday he would be.
"Josh? You ready?" Justin asked, moving to take over possession of JC's chair from the nurse. JC leaned his head back and smiled at Justin.
"As I'll ever be. How did Lance's apppointment go?"
"I don't know. He wouldn't talk about it yesterday, and neither would Joey."
"He'll tell you eventually," JC said. "Where is the therapist's office, anyway?"
"Downtown somewhere. Joey gave me the address and directions. It'll take about twenty minutes to get there," Justin said as they reached his car. Picking JC up over his friend's protestations, Justin put him in the front seat and buckled him in. The wheelchair went in the trunk, and Justin himself went in the driver's seat.
"I'm not totally helpless, Curly," JC good-naturedly complained.
"Shut up," Justin shot back, grinning. JC grinned back and settled in his seat. Losing his grin, he stared out the window and thought about the therapist. What kinds of questions would he be asked? Could he avoid questions? What had Lance said so far? If he told the therapist something, would he/she be required to tell anyone else?
It was the last two that were worrying JC the most. If Lance had said anything... JC couldn't let anyone find out about what he'd done. That was the last thing he wanted. He just wanted to forget it ever happened, but that wasn't likely. JC suddenly realized that the car had stopped and Justin was staring at him, a shadowed look in his bright eyes.
"We're here, Josh."
"Let's go then," JC sighed. Justin got the wheelchair out of the trunk and placed JC in it. JC leaned back into Justin's stomach.
"What?" Justin asked, looking down at the dark head resting on his midsection.
"Do I have to go?" JC half-whined. Justin laughed and pushed JC away.
"Yes! Come on, it won't be so bad." As Justin turned to close the outer door after them, he thought he saw a familiar car, but he wasn't sure. Shrugging, he closed the door and wheeled JC into the therapist's office. There, they found Joey.
"Joey!" JC exclaimed. "Why are you here?" Joey wouldn't look at him.
"Lance," was all he said. JC was confused.
"Lance?" Justin asked, speaking for JC as well.
"Lance asked the therapist if he and JC could have a session together," Joey finally said. JC started shaking his head violently. "They're waiting in one of the rooms just down the hall."
"No way, no fucking way. I'm not going in there. Justin, get me out of here!"
"JC, you have no choice. If you won't go in there, the therapist will come to you. Either way, you'll see her."
"It's a her?"
"Yeah. JC, please. Lance really wants to talk to you," Joey pleaded. Justin stood there, silently thinking.
"Josh, you're going in there." JC turned to glare at him.
"Justin, no."
"Joshua Scott Chasez, listen to me..." JC opened his mouth to say something, but one look from Justin made him quickly close it again. "Shut the hell up and listen to me! You have been moping for a month now, you and Lance both. Whatever happened between the two of you is going to be resolved right here in this office, today. If you don't go in there, I swear our friendship is over." JC's mouth opened again, this time in shock.
"What?" he managed.
"If you don't go in there right now, you can consider our friendship ended," Justin said coldly. Joey's eyes were the size of plates, silently observing the exchange.
"Justin, you don't mean it... Do you?" JC asked plaintivly. Justin's expression didn't change. JC sighed and lowered his gaze to his lap.
"What room?" he finally asked Joey.
"Third room on the left. Justin and I will take care of the forms."
"Whatever," JC said as he slowly wheeled himself down the hall. Hearing voices in one of the rooms, he peered in and saw Lance and a red-haired woman talking. Taking a deep breath, he knocked softly.
"Come in," the woman called. JC pushed the door open and rolled in, avoiding Lance's gaze.
"Hi," he said softly.
"You must be JC," the woman said. "I'm JoBeth."
"Hi."
"You need anything?"
"Arsenic?" JC asked, only half-teasing. JoBeth gave him a reproachful look.
"OK, the rules of this session. If someone asks a question, it has to be answered. Even if you don't want to talk about it, you have to. Nothing said here will get repeated unless you tell the others yourselves. And I am not here to diagnose anything, I'm just here as a mediator for you two to talk to each other."
"Howcome nobody told me about this yesterday?" JC asked JoBeth.
"Because Lance said you'd refuse to come." JC gave an ironic smile.
"He would've been right."
"Do you know why you're here in the first place?" she asked. JC shook his head. "Lance wanted to talk to you- no, he hasn't told me what about- and he felt this was the only way you'd listen." JC didn't respond. "Why won't you talk to Lance?" JoBeth asked bluntly. JC got a panicked look, not intending to answer the question until he remembered the rule.
"I tried the other day," JC finally said, still not looking at Lance. "He didn't want to talk to me."
"I know, and I'm sorry," Lance said quietly, speaking for the first time. JC half-glanced in his direction. JoBeth frowned and leaned back in her chair.
"JC, anything you'd like to ask?"
"I asked Lance what I wanted to know already," JC said.
"What was that?" JoBeth prompted.
"Why he didn't tell the others."
"Tell the others what?"
"What I did."
"What did you do?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"The rule, JC," Lance said. "You have to tell her."
"Why don't YOU?" JC shot back. Lance studied the floor.
"Cause I haven't even told her the other part." JC was confused.
"What other part?" Suddenly, JC's face went white as a sudden realization came to him. "You, too?"
"What?" It was Lance's turn to be confused.
"He did it to you, too... fuck, I should have known!"
"JC, what the hell are you talking about?"
"Lance... how long has he been raping you?" Lance's face drained of all color and he stared at JC, shocked.
"How did you know?" he finally stuttered.
"Because you're not the only one."
"Woah! Reverse!" JoBeth called. "Who's raping who?"
"I was raped a week ago," Lance admitted. "The man who raped me is the same one who's been raping me every chance he got for the last five years."
"Five years," JC murmered. Lance looked at him.
"What did you mean when you said that I'm not the only one?"
"You want to know why I... did what I did?"
"JC, what did you do?" JoBeth demanded, interrupting the conversation.
"I raped Lance," JC said bluntly.