The 1950s

I look back on the 1950s now, an old man, and see myself as a college student, innocent, in khakis and the penny loafers and crew neck sweaters; Eisenhower was president, cars were big and sleek, television was small and black-and-white, and gay men were faggots' or queers' who lived in the shadows, coming out only to a few bars in every city, usually a dingy place where they could at least be themselves for a few hours; or, for the less genteel, in the men's rooms of bus stations and libraries and department stores, a quick blowjob, one man on the commode, his pants down around his ankles, his dick hard, while the other stood, his feet in a shopping bag so security guards wouldn't see them, keeping desperately quiet as the seated man nibbled on his cock.

My submissive nature, which would turn into a full-blown obsession with bondage and slavery later in life, as I grew wiser and more sophisticated in the ways of submitting to men, didn't take long to come out once I was away from home; in fact, it appeared during my first sexual contact with a man. I think he sensed my subservience; it was probably, looking back, why he picked me; and while he wasn't a dress-up-in-leather, flog the slave kind of guy -- those men were even more exotic creatures than they are now, in their motorcycle leathers, found only in a very few bars and discreet houses -- he did like having his way with a boy. Hurting a boy, in fact.

Jeff Carter, the man I'm going to tell you about, was not a big man on campus -- not in the way that was understood in 1957. He didn't play ball. He wasn't rich. And he wasn't popular with the cool kids. He read Camus in paperback and discussed Rimbaud with the beatnik girls who fluttered around him, all long straight hair and big glasses and nubbly skirts and tights. Professor liked him. Yet he was cool, and handsome -- blond hair slicked back artlessly, blue eyes, tall, a nice build, not too athletic; but he was all legs. Khakis, crew neck sweaters, penny loafers.

I was in one of his classes, and I started tagging along with him after class to the drugstore for a soda, me slender and short and dark, him tall and fair. He would talk about something that had struck him in class, and I would listen, enraptured and moony. I couldn't stop looking at him.

Naive little me had certainly heard of men called queers, but I didn't know that yearning for a man -- not sex, I wouldn't have dreamed of seeing his penis, and I had only the vaguest notion of what queers did with each other -- but wanting to be with him all the time, wanting to hear his voice, wanting to watch him when he wasn't looking; in the 1950s I had no idea that what I had was a crush on this boy.

Early one night, a couple of months into the fall semester, I heard him call me as I walked down fraternity row. He was driving a big bulbous car I had never seen before.

"Get in," he said.

I went around and opened the passenger door and climbed in.

"Is this your car?" I asked. He ignored me and began to drive out of this little college town. Houses disappeared and woods sprang up on either side of the narrow road.

Suddenly he took the turn to a popular lovers' lane. Was he going to kiss me, I wondered suddenly. I began to shiver, even though it seemed like a crazy idea. I didn't know if men kissed, but I sure hoped so. At least, I hoped this one did.

Then we were there, the river twinkling in the moonlight, dark under the trees, only one other car. He turned off the big car and there was only the radio playing softly, Bing Crosby singing something or other.

I looked straight ahead, too frightened to even look at him. I could feel him looking at me though.

Then his hand was on my cheek and he gently turned my face toward him. His eyes burned. I looked away, down at my lap, but I couldn't look away for long. He was so beautiful, and his obvious hunger so intense. I felt special and wanted in a way I never had before.

He leaned in and I closed my eyes and his lips were on mine. I kissed back a little woodenly. Oh, damn, I was so new at this, and I wanted it to go so well, but I had no idea.

I needn't have worried. His tongue went between my lips, and suddenly I was responding, kissing him back, hard, and I heard someone sigh, and it was me. His arms went around me and I clung to him.

He stopped, pulled back. I opened my eyes to find him regarding me. "Oh, god," I whispered. "Please don't stop kissing me."

He leaned in again. Then a hand went to the top button of my shirt, and soon it was wide open. He pulled my tee shirt up around my neck and, pulling away from the kiss, put his lips on my nipple. I leaned back and my back arched, bringing the nipple closer to him as he nuzzled, and I found myself looking at the ceiling and feeling like I was going to swoon and wondering how this could get any better. He pulled my shirt off and tugged the tee shirt over my head, and suddenly I was naked to the waist. It felt so right to be naked with him, to give him everything he wanted, no questions, no hesitation. His mouth went to my other breast and I started making little mewing noises. My hands were in his hair.

Then suddenly he leaned back. "Unzip me," he said. I did not hesitate. I reached with trembling fingers and unzipped him, and without being told reached in and took it in my hand. It was hot – it felt almost like it was burning up – and thick and I knew I had gone over a line and I didn't care at all.

"Take it out and put it in your mouth," he said, thickly but calmly. I had never gone down on a boy -- hell, never even kissed one until tonight -- but I didn't hesitate. It came out and went immediately in my mouth. It was drooling already and I swirled my tongue around the greasy tip while he moaned. Without thinking, I took my mouth off him long enough to say "It's beautiful." And suddenly I felt as if I had found myself, as if I was waking from a long drugged sleep. I tried to get more of it in my mouth, and started to gag. I found myself thinking, I knew I would lose my virginity eventually, but I didn't know it would be like this -- with a man.

"Easy," he said. "Go nice and slow. I'll tell you what to do."

And he did, his calm voice in my ears. "Lick the tip. Now take it in your mouth. Now a little more. Now use your tongue."

I did what he said. I wanted to. Everything. I knew he would come in my mouth; he would not give me a choice. And I wanted it. I wanted to taste him, and to take his seed in my belly. Somehow it would make me his.

Now he was thrusting. He held my head down and I gagged but I kept on sucking for dear life.

Suddenly he stopped. "Take your pants off," he said.

"Here?" I said. "What if somebody sees us?"

"Take your pants off," he said again, as if speaking to a stubborn child. I leaned up, slid out of my khaki pants and white underpants. All I had on were my shoes.

He reached into the backpack at his feet and took out a plastic bottle. "Kneel on the seat, back to the dash," he said. I started to say something, thought better of it. Turned around and knelt on the seat.

I could feel his hand smearing something cold and greasy on my ass. Then a finger went inside me and I gasped. Then two fingers. Now I was moaning. Pushing back a little, almost involuntarily

"That's good," he said. "You like it. Good boy."

I hardly even noticed he was talking to me like a dog.

"Alright, now slide over here onto my lap."

I did, knees on either side of his hips. I didn't even know boys could make love to each other this way, but I instinctively knew what he wanted, and without prompting, facing him, I lowered myself onto him. When I couldn't find his hardness, he reached under me and steered it to the opening of what I was suddenly thinking of as not an anus anymore, but more like a girl's vagina. Whatever it was, it no longer belonged to me. It was his for as long as he wanted it. My arms went round his neck and I held him tight.

"Please go slow," I said. "You're so big around."

"Don't clench it," he said, "or it will hurt. Push instead."

He came in an inch or so. I had no idea anything could feel like this, so good and yet the pain and a little fear.

"No," I said, panic in my voice. "You're going to hurt me. And what if somebody sees'?

"Be quiet," he said, "and lower yourself a little more."

Without even thinking about it, I was quiet. And I was lowering myself onto him. And it was starting to feel good, despite the pain. In fact, I was starting to go a little crazy. I lowered myself some more. He grunted. He started to thrust slowly, and I lowered myself some more. Straddling him, naked and vulnerable and open. He still had all his clothes. His arms went around me and I leaned in and his shirt felt silky on my nipples. Suddenly, he was all the way in, and I was giving him little kisses on his neck and face and ears, frantic, hot little kisses.

And then I was babbling, trying to keep my voice down. "Oh god," I said, "you're so far inside me. Oh, god, I love this I love your big beautiful COCK!" I'd never said that word aloud before, and now I wanted to say it a lot.

"Your COCK feels so good. Oh god it's all the way in me. Your COCK is way up inside. Are you going to put your cock stuff in me? Are you going to fill me up, like we're making a baby?"

He just grunted, starting to move faster. I was hard now too, rubbing against his shirt, but I doubt he even noticed. "

His last ten thrusts were deep and long, and the last one I knew he had come when he thrust as far as he could, held it there, then groaned and collapsed under me. I sank down on him as I could feel him soften.

"Thank you thank you thank you," I whimpered, holding him tight.

"You're welcome," he said as his cock popped out of me. "Now get some clothes on before someone comes along."

I scrambled into my clothes while he started the big car, turned it around. We rode for 10 minutes or so in silence. I had no idea what to say after just having sex with a man.

Finally, though, I screwed up my courage. "Jeff, can I touch it again please?" "Now?" he said. "God, you really are insatiable."

I was still horny; I hadn't got off. And I liked his cock. A lot. It was, after all, my first.

So we rode back with my hand fondling him through his trousers, and I could feel him get hard again after a while. In a minute he pulled over into the parking lot of a car dealer closed for the night, pulled me over and had me blow him again. He didn't even touch my cock.

"Do you want to blow me?" I asked meekly when he had finished.

"No," he said. "And no more fooling around. I have to get back and study."

I had a fantasy of him walking me to my dorm door, and while we couldn't kiss goodnight, he would look at me meaningfully before reluctantly turning away. Instead, he pulled the car over at the paved walk to my dorm.

"Will I see you again soon?" I asked anxiously.

"Maybe," he said. "If you're a good boy." And then he drove away.

The day after we made love in his car, Jeff ignored me in class. At the bell I caught up to him in the hall.

"Hi, Jeff," I could hear the coquette in my voice, and just a little desperation.

"Hey, what's up?" he said, moving away. I raced to keep up with him.

"I had a great time last night," I said, like we had been to the prom or something. It sounded ridiculous even to me. He was still not looking at me, and he said nothing.

"Are you going to the drugstore for a Coke?" I asked. "We can stop at the furniture store on the way, look at the display televisions, see if there's any news about Eisenhower's speech."

He turned to me, his voice low. "Look, I haven't got time for this. But if you want to hang out, you really want to spend some time, I'm going to write down the address of my apartment. I'm having a little party tomorrow night. Come by."

He scribbled something on a piece of notepaper and gave it to me.

"Thanks," I gushed. "I'll be there. Thanks, Jeff." He turned away.

I was hyper the next two days, wondering what his apartment was like and who his friend were and if he might get rid of them early so we could make love again. I lay in bed that night, my penis in my hand, naked, thinking of him, remembering his thick, uncut cock; the feel of his bush in my nose; the smell of him down there, earthy but not rank, and how he felt in my mouth. I wanted him so much it almost hurt.

I was early that night. His place was in an old Victorian a few blocks off campus, through double glass doors into a round room with a big staircase curving around up to the right. I went up the stairs and down a hall and knocked at the second door. I could hear Coltrane's sax on the record player. He opened the door. He had on a yellow polo shirt with short sleeves; he had strong, hairy arms. Khaki shorts, long legs also covered with fine blond hair. I wanted to bury my face in it, feel the silkiness on my cheeks.

"Come in," he said. There were two boys there already, sitting on an old couch; I'd seen one around. He too was tall, handsome, but dark, unlike my blond Jeff. The other stood up to shake hands. He had long lashes and a soft, inviting mouth. It was funny how I noticed these things, now that I had made love to another boy. Jeff came from the small kitchen off to the right with a beer in his hand. He got an opener and punched two triangular holes in the top. I took it and drank. I didn't really like beer, but I didn't want to let him know.

In another half hour three more boys had come, and there were seven of us. Two were obviously beatniks, turtlenecks and square glasses and berets and neat goatees. They could almost have been twins. They had a superior air about them, a little snotty. Jeff closed all the windows and put a towel at the base of the apartment door. Then he produced a short, thin yellow cigarette. Another boy had a lighter and Jeff took a long drag. It smelled funny.

"Is that marijuana?" I asked.

"Sure is," said the boy Jeff passed the joint to, the one with the soft mouth. "Try it," he said as he handed it to me.

"No," I said.

"C'mon," Jeff said. "Loosen up."

I held out my hand, put the joint to my lips and puffed, trying not to inhale.

"Hey," Jeff said. "You have to inhale to get high."

So I inhaled. And when it came back again, I inhaled again. Soon I had drained my beer. Somebody brought me another one. I was talking to a boy about how in the world had pizza got the name pizza, and we giggled. I turned and noticed the tall boy and the one with the lashes were sitting on the couch kissing. Normally I would have been shocked. Now I just giggled and nudged the boy I was talking to.

"Woo woo," I said.

Then Jeff was there. He said nothing, just stood me up, turned me around and pinned my shoulders against the wall, leaned in and kissed me. I opened my mouth, and felt his tongue on mine. We kissed a long time before coming up for air.

"Oh, god," I said.

He nuzzled my neck, and I realized he was unbuttoning my shirt. Stoned as I was, and now a little drunk, I still didn't want to lose my shirt in front of these boys.

"Please don't," I said. "I can't"

He didn't stop. I tried to push him away, but he was taller and stronger, and he simply pushed my arms away. And then he leaned in and kissed me again, hard and long. Something suddenly gave way inside me. I wanted to do what he wanted; why not, after all? Without thinking, my arms went around him. Then I was grinding my crotch against his and moaning like a little whore.

I looked over his shoulder. The other three boys were standing together, their arms around each other, swaying to the music playing softly on the record player.

Now I was naked to the waist. Jeff simply tossed my shirt aside. Then he reached for my belt.

"No, really," I said. "Please." I took his wrist.

"Let go," he said.

"Please."

"Do you want what we had the other night or not?"

"Yes, yes, please, but not here in front of everyone."

"That's how it plays," he said. "Take those pants off."

I hesitated a minute, looked up at him. He looked down, unsmiling. I made a decision. I slid the pants down to my ankles, stepped out.

"Underpants too," he said.

I took them off. I was the only naked boy in a room full of horny boys.

"Unzip me," he said.

I did. I took out his beautiful cock. He pushed my shoulders down until I was on my knees, his cock in front of my face, flaccid now, but I knew what an angry monster it could grow into. I closed my eyes, took it in my mouth, and sighed.

"Hey, look," somebody said, and soon the three boys were standing around us, watching. I lost my embarrassment. Now I was simply horny.

Jeff reached over and unzipped one of the boys. The boy took out his penis, a long, veined, handsome cock. Jeff pulled me off him and pushed my head toward the other boy. I did what I was told. I shifted on my knees and took the other boy in my mouth. He groaned as I began to suck.

"Holy shit," somebody said.

Jeff took my hand and put it on his cock and made a jerking motion until I got the picture. Then somebody else took another hand, and there was another cock in it.

The boy in my mouth started to jerk himself off as I kept his tip in my mouth.

"Lick my balls," he croaked. I did. Suddenly I felt the balls tighten and he jerked, and there was hot sticky cum on my cheeks and on my ear. I raised a hand to wipe it off.

"Don't," said Jeff, catching my wrist. "Leave it there."

Now one of the boys was off the coach, the one with the soft lips, and he was kneeling behind he and with an arm around my waist, his other hand played with my nipples, pinching and nipping. He kissed the back of my neck while I knelt, naked. Another cock entered my mouth, and both hands were full again. This one came in my mouth and stepped away. The boy with the nice mouth turned my head around and kissed me, sucking the cum into his mouth. We kissed passionately, and another cock was in front of my mouth.

"Who wants to fuck him?" someone said. It was Jeff.

"I do," somebody said. I didn't even look up to see. I was in a stupor, a haze of sex and desire that had taken me over. All I wanted was their cocks in me and their hands on me.

"Get up," Jeff said. I stood.

"Lie on the table," he said, nodding at a dining table.

I slid up on the table and lay on my back. He positioned me so my ass was on the edge, my legs in the air, knees cocked, so open to them. I knew I should feel shame posed obscenely like this, but I didn't. In fact, it was beautiful. It was the way it should be. Another boy came up, not wearing pants. His cock was big and angry and beautiful. Jeff squirted lube on my crack. Then his finger was inside me. I pushed back against him. I looked up at him, adoration in my eyes.

He handed the boy the tube of lube, and the boy rubbed it on his cock. Then he stepped between my legs and probed my crack with his cock. I pushed toward him. He found it, and pushed against my little rosebud. It opened and I let him in me. He pushed a little further, stopped as I grunted. It still hurt, but it also felt so good, giving me life, giving me purpose. I was so full. Jeff looked down and watched my face, expressionless. The boy pushed more of himself into me. Then he was all the way in me, my legs on his shoulders, and he began to thrust, and I thrust back at him. The other boys stood in a semicircle and watched, some stroking themselves.

"Goddamn," one said. "What a little slut."

"Where did you find him, Jeff?" said another. "Do they have anymore like him? He's certainly handy to have around."

I didn't care. I thrust back at the boy, feeling him inside me, focusing on him, willing him to come. Finally, he did. I should have been embarrassed, I suppose, but perversely, I was proud. I had done this. I had please all these boys, made them cum, taken their cocks inside me and got them all off.

"Stand up," Jeff was saying.

I did.

"Turn around."

He bent me over the table, arms flat out, my ass sticking obscenely in the air, my little hole winking at him, beckoning him. For good measure, I wiggled it at him slowly and sensuously.

This time he was not patient. He jammed himself up inside me, hard, and I gasped. He thrust hard, and went in all the way. It hurt, even with the lube and now, all the cum up inside me.

"You're hurting me," I said.

"Don't care," he said. "Shut up and put that fine ass to work." The other boys laughed. .

He was rough, and every thrust seemed to fill me up all the way and rock me forward on the table. It didn't take him long, all the while him muttering "Little whore. Slut. Little cocksucker faggot. Take it. Take it up the ass, you queer." A boy next to me was bent backwards over the table while another boy kissed him. Jeff suddenly collapsed on my back and I could feel him already starting to go limp. He pulled it out, grabbed me by the hair and said "clean it." It was revolting, and I gagged, but I did it. For him. Because he wanted it.

He zipped up and turned away, but another boy, with a shirt but no pants, put his hand on my cock as I still lay splayed on the table. I groaned. Jeff had never shown the slightest interest in my penis. I raised my pelvis into the hand gratefully, and the boy began to whack me off. The rest had lost interest, started putting on pants and opening beers. It was the boy with the nice lips. I closed my eyes and he leaned toward me kissed me while stroking. I reached up and played with his nipples. With his other hand, he cupped my balls, and soon I was cumming in his hands.

"Thank you," I whispered.

"It was nice," he said, and he kissed me.

I was ashamed, but I was also still hot. I felt empty. I wanted more cock, wanted them to put their cocks in my mouth and ass. I wanted to feel a cock inside my ass and push back against it and be so full and complete. Still lying on the table, I tilted my head up and asked "Does anybody else want to fuck me?

Everyone looked at me for a minute, then turned back to their conversations. I got up, still naked, and walked over to Jeff, stood quietly beside him. After a while, he deigned to notice, but with a look that could only have been disgust. I had never felt more naked, nor more vulnerable.

"What do you want?" I whispered to him, miserable, while the others laughed and chatted. "I'll give it to you. Whatever it is. I wish I could be a girl for you, so we could be together all the time, and nobody would care or even notice. But I can't. I'm a boy. But if you want me to be a whore, I'll be that. And if you don't want me to give myself to all your friends, just say so. Please just tell me what you want. Talk to me."

"What I want," he said, icy, "is for you to go in the bathroom, clean all that cum off your face, then get your clothes on and go. Your role in this evening is over."

And that is what I did.

^

His ignoring me simply made me want him all the more. I thought about him all the time, daydreamed about him in class -- once I realized, luckily before anyone noticed, my hand was resting on my crotch -- fantasized about him at night in my cramped little dorm room, made up fantasies where we lived on a tropic beach some where in a little house with a veranda and drank big tropical drinks and made love under a slowly turning ceiling fan, bars of light coming through the window slats in the long afternoon.

It was the most profound invasion possible, I realized about what Jeff liked to do to me, and yet at the same time the most intimate of ways for boys to connect, to express their love for each other. The most intense connection, a pure expression of love, and yet, as Jeff had discovered, a symbol of submission too; here, it says, I give you my most secret and intimate place, I make a gift of it and myself, for you to do with as you will; O, my love, the fucked boy in effect says, put your penis inside me, plough me, ream me, fuck me, make me use all the words, the polite ones and the brutal ones, even though none of the words are necessary, the act itself acknowledges my submission to you. I honor it as the highest expression of love. When you enter me, when you seek my innermost and yet most intimate place, the center of my sexual being, and I rock with your thrusts, each one an invasion and yet an expression of our love, and I give myself to you and you claim me, it is a gift of love and pain both, the elements mixed, a special thing, a beautiful thing, something that changes me a little every time he fucks me.

It was Friday afternoon, and my English lit class, the last of the day, was ending. I looked over at Jeff, who was listening rapt as the professor droned on. He hadn't even acknowledged me for three days. Then class ended. He put his book in a book bag and slung it over shoulder. I couldn't help myself; I caught up with him as he walked down the hall of the humanities building.

"Hi, Jeff,' I said. "Do you want to go get a malted?''

He looked at me. He looked great in the wool crewneck sweater, the collar of a white shirt peeping up from underneath, khakis and penny loafers with no socks. His glasses gave him a studious air.

"We're going away for the weekend,' he said. "Go home and pack what you need.'

"What?'' I said. "I can't go away. I promised Chad I'd help him study for the final.'

He did not even look at me.

"Go get packed,' he said. "We leave in a half hour. Meet me at my apartment.'

I watched his back as he strolled away. Then I rushed back to the dorm, dropped a nickel in the pay phone in the hall, called Chad and got no answer. I'd just have to call him from wherever I was going this weekend. I rushed into my room, threw an extra shirt, pajamas, some underwear and socks and a toothbrush into a small overnight bag.

I rushed out and down the stairs and across campus to the old Victorian where Jeff had an apartment on the second floor. He was already waiting, leaning against the big 1950 Buick he drove, tapping his foot impatiently. I climbed into the big car, he got in, cranked it on and drove through the small college town without a word. I knew it was useless to ask where we were going. He either wouldn't tell me, or he would, and he'd get mad, and he might even hit me. So I sat and watched the town recede and the woods rush up.

We said nothing for an hour. The low flat countryside slid by, hidden now as the dark descended and lights came on along the road. It got chilly in the car, and he turned on the heat, still saying nothing. I knew better than to speak.

When we got out of town, and the traffic dwindled, he said "Slide over here.'

I smiled and slid over, kissed his shoulder. He pushed me a way.

"Can't you see I'm driving? Be more careful about my arm.'

I sat there, obedient as a dog, waiting to see what he wanted next. I was pretty sure what it would be.

Instead he said "pull down your pants and underpants.'

This was new. He'd rarely shown interest in my penis, in pleasuring me. I welled up with happiness. We were turning a corner.

I did as he told, my pants and underpants around my knees.

"Spread your legs, like a good little slut.'

I did as I was told, hands at my side, little cock peeping up, vulnerable, waiting.

With one hand, he reached over, fondled me. I was in heaven.

Then his hand clamped on my balls. Hard. I yelped. He squeezed harder. I screamed.

"Shut up,' he said. "And hold still. Do you think I would drive a hundred miles with you to please you? That's not what this is about, you little fag. This is for my pleasure. Now get those legs wide open, and stop screaming like a little girl. Be a man for me.'

His hand squeezed again, so hard I began to worry about permanent damage. So hard I felt I might actually pass out. I squirmed under him, finally screamed at the top of my lungs, reverberating around the big car.

"Jesus Christ,' he said. "I thought I told you to be quiet.'

"It hurts so much,' I sobbed. A tear ran down my cheek as I sprawled lewdly on the big bench seat. "Please.'

"Even after two weeks, you still don't get it,' he said. "You're here to do what I want. I don't care what you want. I could not be less interested in what you want out of this.'

"Why do you do this to me?' I was sobbing now. "I only want to be nice to you. To love you, and for you to love me.'

"Two men can't love each other,' he said knowingly. "They can only fuck each other.'

"No, you're wrong,' I cried. "I want to take you into my mouth and prove you wrong, that we can love each other in bed and out. I want you because I'm a queer. I never said that to anyone ever before, but with you, I mean it. And it makes me proud, that I'm with you. That you're my man.'

"Open your shirt,' he said.

I did. Soon my chest was open to the night air too. He reached over and pinched a nipple, hard. I put a hand up to protect my other breast. He smacked me across the face backhanded, hard. I jerked back, and now my cheeks were wet with tears.

"I give you everything,' I said when my tears subsided. He had stopped pinching my nipples, too. "And I don't want much. Appreciate me. Hold me. Love me. Love me.'

My message was somewhat diminished by the fact I was slumped half naked on his car seat, my pants around my ankles and my shirt open. I looked over at him. He continued to drive, eyes ahead.

Then he said "Spread your legs wider. I want to be able to reach down there and really squeeze.'

And I did. And he did.

I hurt like hell, my pants still down around my ankles, when we got to the little house next to the barn in a rural neighborhood outside Detroit. There was some kind of hotrod -- I knew nothing about cars -- in the gravel driveway, and a light was on over the porch.

I grabbed my bag from the back seat and trotted after Jeff up onto the porch. A thick-set, middle-aged man, the hair at his temples starting to go gray, opened the door.

"Goddamn,' he said. "You made it. Welcome, Jeffrey. And who's this?"

Jeff said nothing, so I said "I'm Bobby. Please to meet you.'

"Come on,' he said, admitting us to a small living room, neat but with shabby, worn furniture, including two big saggy armchairs, one of worn leather and the other with simply a bedspread thrown over it.

A boy came out of the kitchen; he was naked. He was also extremely beautiful: An open, innocent face, a dusting of freckles, upturned nose, sandy hair in need of a trim; hairless chest, flat stomach, a little cloud of sandy pubic hair over his penis, thin but fairly long even in its flaccid state, a light cover of hair on his strong legs. He had a big bowl of potato chips that he put on a small table between the two big chairs. I loved Jeff, but I couldn't take my eyes off this boy.

"And this is Ricky,' John said to me, and he put his arm out, and Ricky came and nudged his shoulder under it and put an arm around John's waist. He looked up at John adoringly.

Well, we all drank Bourbons and Coke from water glasses, and every time somebody finished one Ricky would leap to his feet (he sat on the floor to be near John) and raced to the kitchen to make a new one. We could hear him banging the metal ice trays.

Soon we were all drunk. Ricky kept replenishing the potato chips from a seemingly endless supply in the kitchen, but otherwise we ate nothing. I was feeling no pain. I said little, and so did Ricky. Like me, he seemed content to listen to the men talk.

Finally John nodded at me and said to Jeff, "that's a nice little piece you got there.'

"You want to fuck him?'' Jeff asked casually.

"Man, you always was the blunt one,' John said. "No, not yet maybe. But I'd like to seem him naked, see what he's got under those clothes.'

"Get up,' Jeff said to me. I scrambled to my feet. "Take off our clothes.'

By now I had no shame. I had disrobed for Jeff's friends, and for some other people Jeff didn't know about. I started to unbutton my shirt.

"Wait,' John said. "Ricky likes to do a little dance for me sometimes. Can your boy do a little stripper dance''

"I don't know,' Jeff said. He looked at me. "Can you dance''

"I don't know,' I said.

"Get Ricky to show you,' John said. "He's had a whole roomful of guys with their tongues and their dicks out when he dances naked. I love to watch him."

Ricky got up, unfolded himself. He went to a small, cheap record player and put on an LP. It was some kind of Latin music. It was slow, and had a sultry rhythm.

He came over to me and stood next to me, in front of the two men, and he began to sway and undulate to the music. I started to move, too, but I felt stiff and clumsy next to him. He danced around behind me and put his hands on my hip. He rubbed his crotch against my ass in time to the music. I felt foolish, and I stopped trying to dance, and simply swayed in place while he danced around me. The two men watched hungrily. Ricky reached around and began unbuttoning my shirt and his hands went to my breasts and cupped them and tweaked the nipples. My breathing started to get a little ragged, and I moved my ass against his crotch.

He leaned over my shoulder and kissed me. Once. Twice. Then a long, lingering kiss, his tongue in my mouth. I continued to sway with the music. He slowly pulled my shirt off, and now I was naked to the waist. His hands were all over my chest, and then he danced around to the front of me, giving the men a good view of his swaying ass and hips. He went to work on my belt, and soon my pants had slid to the floor and I kicked them away.

Now he was pulling down my boxers, still swaying even as he went to his knees. The record had stopped. He looked at my penis for a long moment. Then his arms went around me and his hands cupped my ass and his mouth slid over my cock and I moaned. He licked my balls gently and I moaned again. He pulled me down and I sank to my knees facing him. My arms went around him and we kissed, oblivious now to the sounds of zippers unzipping. His hands ruffled my hair. He whispered to me "You feel nice, Bobby. So nice.'

Then he pulled me down again, and we lay on the rug, on our sides, my face in his crotch and his in mine. I took him in my mouth. I was facing the men, and I stole a look. They were rapt, and John had his cock in his hand. I took more of Ricky in my mouth, really getting into it now, knowing they were watching.

"Why should they have all the fun'' I heard John rasp. "Get up, boys, and come tend to your men.'

Reluctantly I pulled away from Ricky, him all hard and leaking precum in my mouth.

I kneewalked the few feet to Jeff. "No,' he said. "Do him,' pointing to John. He could see the disappointment in my face. I turned and hobbled the few feet to John. Ricky knelt before Jeff. John's cock was standing up, rock-hard, a good eight inches. He was uncircumcised, and suddenly I wanted to know what he would taste like. I leaned down and the slightly musty smell of him came to me, sweat and skin and sex. I took the tip of him in my mouth, and he moaned. In the corner of my eye I could see Ricky go down on Jeff. It didn't take long. John came in my mouth, noisily, and as I reluctantly rocked back on my heels in front of him, his cum in my mouth and a little dribbling on my chin, we watched Ricky finish Jeff who, as his custom, made little noise. He simply thrust hard at Ricky three times, paused, his back arched, and then subsided. Ricky licked his dick clean dutifully.

"Goddamn,' John said. "It's always a treat when Jeff comes to town. Now you boys get up and get us another glass of whisky.' We leapt to our feet and went into the kitchen.

When we came back with fresh drinks for our men, John said, "Go on now. Go in the kitchen and make us some supper. Jeff and I want to talk for awhile.'

We went, still naked, into the kitchen to cook dinner while they drank. Ricky patted hamburger patties and put them into a hot skillet where they sizzled. I watched him work; his tight little ass, the flaccid cock, his pinkish nipples, the round curve of his hips and the strong leg muscles under the light hair, his bare feet.

"Be careful with that hot skillet,' I said. "Naked, that grease is liable to burn part of you you're fond of.'

"I've got experience,' he laughed.

I had been contemplating his cock, and suddenly I was on my knees in front of him.

"Let me finish you,' I said, leaning down toward his cock.

"No, it's alright,' he said.

"I'm that bad a blowjob'' I asked.

"No,' he said. "It's just -- I'm John's. I wouldn't feel right.'

"He just had you sucking off two guys,' I said, reaching for the little bush over his cock and running my fingers through it. I leaned in and kissed the tip of his penis.

"Yes, but that's what he wanted,' he said. I got to my feet, very disappointed. After all, here we were, both naked, both horny, and our men were in the other room, and probably wouldn't have cared if we were fucking like bunnies on the kitchen table.

We ate the burgers Ricky had made, and a small salad and some frozen French fries he had put in the oven. John and Jeff continued to drink bourbon and Cokes from water glasses. Ricky and I were still naked, and mostly silent as the other two talked.

The talk was mostly of sex.

"Jeff and me,' said John to me, "we met at the same bar where Ricky and me met. Ricky and me were drinking, minding our own business, somebody put Sinatra on the jukebox, and guys were dancing, and Jeff just sat down at our table.

""I want to fuck your little friend,'' he said, nodding at Ricky. "Ricky looked like he wouldn't have minded. But I say "Hold on there, friend. That's no way to talk, even in a place like this.' And he said "I mean no disrespect. I just believe in saying what's on my mind. Less time wasted all around. Hell, you can watch, if you want. We can go get a motel, you can sit on a chair and whack off while you watch.''

Jeff smiled as he ate. He seemed oblivious to the way he came off in the story. "And that's where I learned Jeff here likes to be watched. He's a performer. Give him a piece of ass and a tube of K-Y and a bed and he is off the races.'

"I like to fuck,' Jeff said, his mouth full of hamburger.

"Speaking of which,' John said, "do you want Ricky again tonight' I'm happy to take your boy if you want.'

"Yes,' he said. "That'd be good.'

I felt a pang of jealousy. I looked at Jeff. He glared back at me. I put my head down and ate quietly.

As Ricky and I cleared the table, every time he would come near Jeff, Jeff would rub his naked ass or grab at his flaccid penis. Ricky would stop and let his ass be rubbed, but it was clear he wasn't very enthused, either. That I couldn't understand. He had already had Jeff in his mouth. He knew what a beautiful cock Jeff had, and how handsome Jeff was, and he knew how good it felt and tasted when Jeff came in his mouth. Why wasn't he completely jazzed' Was he that devoted to his man' If so, lucky him, I thought. More power to him.

Finally, Jeff said: "That's enough cleaning. Come on.' And he stood and took Ricky's arm and led him into the guest bedroom, Ricky's beautiful ass wobbling the last thing I saw before they shut the door. I stood there looking at it.

"Well,' said John. "I guess that's our cue.'

I followed him obediently into his bedroom.

He sat in a big armchair and pulled me down onto him.

Sitting on his lap, naked, my arms went around his neck automatically; I nuzzled him like a sleepy child. I had seen his big, thick penis, and I could feel it now, growing hard, under me, and like a little slut I wriggled a little on it -- this wouldn't be so bad, after all. His nubbly shirt rubbed against my nipples. I squirmed in his lap, feeling his hardness. He reached down and cupped my balls.

"Jeff's told me a little about you, about how you're a wild one. How many men have you really had since Jeff fucked you?'' he asked. "Don't lie or I'll squeeze them until you pass out.'

I looked down at my chest, embarrassed. Thought.

"Nine,' I said sheepishly, in a small voice.

"Good God,' he said. "When did he first fuck you''

I paused again. "A month ago.'

"You are one horny little cocksucker,' he said.

"Five of them were at a party Jeff threw,' I said. "They all had me. Jeff gave me to them. Then three more.'

"Who?''

"The janitor in my dorm. I started noticing how he carried himself, how he looked at guys. I just knew. I seduced him and blew him in the broom closet. Now he wants me all the time, and he's jealous of Jeff, and he comes to my room and I have to blow him to get him to go away. My European history professor. There were rumors about him. I went to his office one afternoon, locked the door behind me and simply took off my clothes. I knew he'd either throw me out, or go for it. He looked like a kid at Christmas. I got on my knees under his desk and blew him, then he pulled me up and threw me naked over his desk and fucked me. He had a big house near campus, and he had me over there on afternoon so we spend the afternoon in a nice comfy bed, but as it turns out we didn't use it much. He fucked me on the dining room table and on the couch and in his kid's room. We finished about a half hour before his wife came home. He said he was tutoring me, but he was all flushed, and she looked at us really strangely.

"The last one was just a guy in the men's rest room in the basement of the Humanities building. I found out guys go there to blow each other. I could hear him rubbing himself in the stall, and it was unlocked so I just opened it. He had it in his hand and he looked up at me with this dazed look on his face. I went in and got on my knees while he tried not to make any noise. I think he's another history major. He had a big one and he kept telling me to bite it real hard. It must have hurt like hell, but he finally came, pulling out and cumming all over my face.'

"Wow,' Daddy John said. "You really get around.'

I felt suddenly comfortable with this man, so burly and cuddly, and suddenly I was open and honest as I could never be with my Jeff.

"I love what's between a man's legs,' I said. "Jeff taught me to. And now I love what it can do to me and what I can do to it to pleasure it and make it cum. I look at a man now in the street, and I glance down and wonder what's nestled warm and sweet in his pants down there, and what he could do to me with it, and what I'd like to do for him. I want cock, and Jeff doesn't always give it to me. And I get sad and I go and get another one to play with.'

"You can make him cum, but you can't make him love you,' Daddy John said softly. "Yes,' I said. "Yes. And I do love him so much, even when he hurts me.'

He held me a while longer.

"Stand up,' he said. "I'm going to fuck you now.'

"Yes,' I said.

"Yes, Daddy John,' he said.

"Yes, Daddy John,' I said.

He lay me down like a winning poker hand on the bed. I watched him strip, the gray wispy hair on his chest, then more hair over his big penis standing up and ready, uncircumcised. When he was naked too he lay on me and took a nipple in his mouth, chewing on it. My arms went around him. His penis jabbed at my crotch. I start to get hard too, knowing he was going to be inside me soon, and my breathing got ragged. His solid weight on me felt so good. His breath now that he was nuzzling my neck as I look straight up at the ceiling smelled of beer and cigarettes. It smelled good, reassuring.

"Open up your legs now, honey,' he said. "Yes,' I said.

"Yes, Daddy.'

"Yes, Daddy.'

I unfolded like a flower for him. My knees were on my chest and my legs in the air and I looked up at him between my legs and reached for him and he pointed his arrow at my little bud.

"You got a nice ass on you. I love your asshole,' he said.

He reached for the KY jelly and smeared it on himself and then up inside me.

"All pink like a beautiful flower.' He has begun to impale me. "And so warm and tight inside,' he said.

He entered me all the way, and I grunted as he pushed against me. I pushed back. He leaned down and came into my waiting arms.

"I'm going to fuck you good, boy,' he said. And he did. He started nice and slow and my legs bobbed up and down with his thrusts and then he sped up. It didn't take him long. He groaned and collapsed on my chest.

"Thank you Daddy thank you thank you thank you,' I babbled. I kissed him wildly on his eyes and lips and chin.

"You're welcome, son,' he said gruffly. Pulled out, slid off me. Considered me for a minute, then leaned in and kissed me on the mouth long and hard.

"Now go sleep on the couch so Daddy John can get some sleep,' he said. "And close the door behind you.' I did.

I drifted in and out of sleep on the lumpy couch. I heard a door close quietly and the padding of bare feet and then Ricky was there. He was naked in the moonlight that etched his hairless chest and flat stomach and flaccid penis in black and white. I loved watching it sway as he walked, under its cute little bush of curly black hair, the rest of him so smooth and ripe.

I opened the blanket for him and he slid in beside me. His arm went round my waist and he pulled me to him and we snuggled. I sighed. We rubbed noses, and smiled at each other, so close his breath was on my cheeks. Muffled giggles in the night. Then he kissed me, gently at first but with increasing intensity. My arms went around him, and we clung to each other in the long night.

"Will this be alright'' I asked him.

"Just be very quiet,' he said.

And we were. We must have kissed for an hour, rubbing langorously against each other. Then he turned me on my back and, lying on his side, he reached down and began to play with me. I gasped. I was already hard, and as he tugged gently, kissing me, I moaned into his kiss. It felt wonderful for someone to play with me for a change, to run his hand down my chest and over my stomach and down to my secret place.

He broke the kiss, began to kiss my neck and cheeks.

"Oh, Ricky,' I breathed. "Oh.'

Then he was cupping my balls gently, and then twining my bush around his fingers, all the time kissing me, whispering my name. "Tommy,' he breathed. "Sweet, sweet Tommy.'

"Make love to me,' I whispered, my breath coming faster, more ragged. "Please don't stop.'

I began to writhe wantonly under his hand. "You feel so wonderful,' I whispered, clinging more tightly to him. "I'm going to cum.'

"Cum for me, sweet baby,' he said. "Cum for me. I want to feel you cum.'

"Oh,' I groaned. "Oh! Oh!' I went into spasms under his hand.

We lay still for a minute, me still in a stupor of sex, and then he brought his hand up to my face, turned his palm toward us, and we both licked it, the stickiness on our tongues. Then we kissed, and I tasted myself on his lips. We cuddled. Then I reached for him.

"No,' he said. "It's okay. Let's sleep now.' And I went to sleep in his arms, feeling his breath on my face.

In the gray, wan light of the dawn I came awake. The house was quiet. I gave Ricky little gentle kisses on his forehead and cheeks and lips and his eyes fluttered open.

"Sit up,' I said. He did.

I got on my knees between his legs and took him in my mouth. He was already hard. He groaned quietly. I put a finger inside him. He was sticky from being fucked by Jeff. The thought inflamed me, and I went down deeper on him. He groaned again. Then he convulsed, and my mouth was full of him. Then he stopped and was still, his penis still in my mouth.

He ran his hands through my hair.

"So good, baby,' he said. "Your mouth always feels so good.' I looked up at him, proud and complete. There was no way two boys could be closer, except to put their penises in each other's asses, and I think we both understood that, for each of us, that was a place reserved for only one person.

"We should get up and start breakfast for our men,' he said, lifting my head from his penis. "Daddy John likes a big breakfast.'

We got up. It didn't feel right to put on clothes, so I remained naked. I started coffee in the big percolator near the stove, and Ricky began to make pancakes. Often we would look at each other and smile happily. Once I came up behind him and wrapped my arms around him and he leaned back, turned his head and we kissed. We weren't in love. But we shared a bond of love and devotion and service to our men.

Soon, attracted by the smells, Daddy John shambled in, with an old shabby bathrobe on and nothing else, open so you could see his long flaccid penis limp over his balls.

"Good morning, Daddy John,' Ricky said sweetly. You could tell he was really glad to see John.

"Good morning, Daddy John,' I said.

"Well, isn't this nice,' he said, scratching his hairy belly. "Two naked boys making me breakfast. Sunday morning doesn't get any better.'

"Thank you, Daddy John,' we said together.

He reached under Ricky's ass and hooked him with a bent middle finger, pulling the boy backwards toward him. He wrapped his arms around Ricky and kissed him on the neck. Ricky literally squirmed with pleasure.

"Did you miss me, little boy?'' he said.

"Yes, Daddy,' Ricky said demurely. "I thought about your peenie the whole time."

I continued slicing a melon and watched them enviously.

John released him and pushed him playfully back to the stove. "Alright, get Daddy's breakfast now.'

Sunday afternoon and Ricky and I were still naked. Jeff and Daddy John were playing gin rummy for money and had a bottle of bourbon on the kitchen table between them. Daddy John had us clean the house, changing sheets and running a load of laundry and ironing his shirts. A neighbor had dropped off a long-handled lug wrench the man had borrowed a couple of days ago, and Daddy John noticed him eying Ricky and I enviously and invited him to stay for a blowjob.

"Pick one,' he said to the man, an ordinary-looking middle-aged man who looked like he had won the lottery.

"Can I have both'' he asked.

"Knock yourself out,' Daddy John said. "But you got to do it in here, so we can watch.'

The man paused, looked at Ricky and me. "Okay,' he said. "It's not like you haven't seen my cock, John.'

He unbuckled and slid the dingy khakis he was wearing down his legs. Next came the faded boxer shorts, and he stepped out of the clothes puddle at his feet.

His cock was easily ten inches long flaccid, and thick; it hung down to mid-thigh. I was mesmerized. I wanted it. Ricky looked a little uneasy. So I got to my knees in front of this magnificent thing, leaned down and took the tip in my mouth. The man gasped, a god surprised by the ardent prayers of his worshipper.

I could hear Daddy John say to Jeff: "Hung like a horse, is old Derek. Your boy seems mighty impressed, too.'

I took a little more of him in my mouth; one hand went around it and began to stroke gently, the other cupped his balls. He moaned and leaned back against the kitchen counter, naked from the waist down. I'd never had one this big -- hell, never seen one this big -- and I loved it. I sucked a little harder and was rewarded with a moan. I took a little more of him in my mouth.

"Come here,' I heard him say, and suddenly Ricky was on his knees next to me. He took the thing gently out of my mouth. I was suddenly disappointed as he began to lick the length of the thing.

"You lick one side,' I said, "and I'll lick the other.'

"Shows initiative, your boy,' I heard Daddy John say to Jeff.

And we did, our tongues meeting on his penis, sharing little kisses with the taste of him in each other's mouths. Ricky began to get into it, and he was soon breathing heavy, like me. We gave this man the blowjob of his life, and it felt so right, Ricky and I together, making a man feel so good.

I took him back in my mouth, greedy little whore, and Ricky put his arm around the man's thigh, reached up under his ass and played with the hairs around his asshole, his other hand reached down and began to play with my hard little cock.

I began to move faster, and the man reached down and grabbed me by the ears and pulled me further onto his cock until I started to gag. He jerked, a spasm, and my mouth was filled with him suddenly; I had succeeded. Reluctantly I gave up his cock, which slid out of my mouth, now at rest again. I kissed the tip a last time.

Ricky kissed me and got a mouthful of cum. Our arms went around each other as we knelt and kissed in front of the man.

"Goddamn,' the man said, still leaning on the counter. "Lemme see the cum on your tongues." We stuck out our tongues, both smeared with cum. Then kissed each other again. Finally he summoned the strength to find his trousers and pull them on.

"It's good practice to return things promptly,' the man said. Daddy John laughed. Jeff said nothing.

The man stayed and drank at the kitchen table. Ricky and I went back to cleaning the bathroom, and stealing an occasional kiss. We still tasted of cum.

We were scrubbing the little bathroom together when I asked him how he had met Daddy John. He stopped for a minute; his eyes went far away for a minute.

"I had been in jail,' he said. "For a burglary. I was young, and not very strong, and it wasn't very long before, well, you know.'

But I didn't know. I was new to all this.

"Look,' he said. "I was in the shower, the first day, and five of them jumped me. They held me down and fucked me.'

I shivered.

"They were brutal, and it hurt like hell. Then they beat me. Should have seen the bruises and the black eyes. But I wound up in a cell with this enormous Negro, and the next thing I know I'm on my knees for him. He protected me from the other inmates. I became his'girlfriend.'

"Not how I was supposed to end up. I came from money in suburban Detroit, parents thought I'd go to college, be a businessman or something. Instead I get busted for the burglary my senior year, I'm eighteen and they try me as an adult.

"I got out, kind of drifted. My parents wanted me to come home but when I did they'd nag me about college. I was confused. I had girlfriends in high school, but I always kind of wondered. After I got out of jail, I found myself thinking about that Negro a lot. The things he did to me. The things I did for him. I even looked him up when he got out. Went to his house in Detroit. He fucked me, then he beat me up. Gave me a hell of a shiner. I used to look like a raccoon a lot of the time, those days.

"One day, I go into this queer bar in Detroit I heard about. It's early on a Friday night, but the place is busy. There's this middle-aged, beefy guy at the bar. Not my type at all. I'm Joe College, this guy has got a mechanic's uniform on, got his name written on the pocket, John. Crewcut. Drinking shots and a beer. But it's like I'm drawn to him. He had this air of'mastery. Like a guy who knew what he was doing, whether it was fixing a car or fucking a boy like me. I sat next to him, stared straight ahead, didn't dare to talk to him.

"Hello, boy,' he says "What's your name'' And I tell him, and he buys me a beer, and we talk a while, and then he says: "Well, son, there's two things we can do. I can take you back in the men's room there, shove you in a booth and bend you over and throw you a quick fuck. Or I can take you home and we can do it long and slow.

"Of course I tell him he can take me home and do whatever he wants to me. We got here on a Friday night, didn't come up for air until Monday morning. Didn't go out, didn't put on clothes. He fucked me in every room in the place. By the end of the weekend I knew two things: He was a great fuck, and I loved him.

"I didn't know two guys could love each other like a husband and wife. Who knew? But I loved him, and he loved me. At least, that's what he tells me.

"I was proud of it. I would have told the world. I told my parents, they looked sick. I thought they were going to throw up. I didn't care. I was in love. I didn't care if everybody knew.

"And now, when he's inside me, I can't imaging not having him there. I'm full of love, and full of him, and I couldn't be happier. I know it sounds corny, but when he's at work, I miss him. When he's not inside me, I miss him, even though I've got his cum up inside me from the night before to remind me I belong to him. I never thought it could be like this. I love him. I'll always love him, and I'll always be his. I love the things he does, fixing up those old hot rods out in the barn, hunting and fishing, watching the Tigers on TV.

"First time I went hunting with him' I thought I was going to shoot off my leg, or his. Now I'm pretty good. I skin the deer for him. He taught me. Now I would do anything for him. Hell, I do everything for him. He tells me to clean the fridge or suck some guy's sock, I don't even think about it. I just do it, because it makes him happy, and that makes me happy.

"For him, I read poetry, believe it or not. He likes that Ginsberg poem about the slave and the master.'

I said I didn't know it. He put a hand across his chest, ready to declaim like a Roman orator.

please master make my say Please Master Fuck me now Please Master grease my balls and hairmouth with sweet vaselines please master stroke your shaft with white creams please master touch your cock head to my wrinkled self-hole please master push it in gently, your elbows enwrapped round my breast your arms passing down to my belly, my penis you touch w/ your fingers please master shove it in me a little, a little, a little, please master sink your thing down my behind & please master make me wiggle my rear to eat up the prick trunk till my asshalfs cuddle your thighs, my back bent over, till I'm alone sticking out, your sword stuck throbbing in me please master pull out and slowly roll onto the bottom please master lunge it again, and withdraw the tip please please master fuck me again with your self, please fuck me Please Master drive down till it hurts me the softness the Softness please master make love to my ass, give body to center, & fuck me for good like a girl

"Wow,' I said.

"Yeah,' he said.

"So what's it like, being here with him all the time? It must be great.'

"Around the house, he likes me naked. I only put on clothes these days to go hunting with him on Saturdays or to the supermarket. He likes me that way, likes to look at me naked. And me, it's like I'm almost constantly ready, constantly horny, my dick flopping in the wind, and knowing he's watching me while I cook or clean the stove. So everything I do is like a little performance, just for him.'

I was green with envy. Ricky had everything I wanted. At least he knew how lucky he was.

He looked at me and said: "I know what you're thinking. He'll come around. I look at you when he's around and it's like you're walking on air. Like it's Christmas and the Fourth of July. He'll begin to appreciate that.'

"I hope so,' I said. "Because it's hard right now. I make him so mad sometimes, I'm afraid he's going to hit me.'

Then I heard Jeff call me. "Get out here,' he said.

They were pretty drunk by now; the shadows were growing in the kitchen, and it would be dark soon.

I stood next to Jeff, naked still but no longer shy at all about it. That was what the men wanted, after all.

"I'm telling you,' Jeff was saying, "he's had so many dicks up his ass, it's like the Holland Tunnel in there. You could drive a truck.'

"That's not true,' Daddy John said gently. "I fucked him last night, and he was nice and tight. Sweet ass.'

"Nothing wrong with his mouth, either,' the other man said.

I almost swelled with pride.

"The proof is in the pudding,' said Jeff. He looked up at me. "Turn around and bend over.'

I did as I was told. My ass winked at them.

"I can probably get my whole hand up there,' Jeff said. He prodded me with a finger, which he stuck in me. I gasped.

"Aren't you gonna at least use the K-Y?'' Daddy John asked. "It'll make it easier for both of you, you gonna put a fist up him.'

"Bring the jelly,' Jeff said to Ricky, who looked a little shocked. But he went obediently, and returned with the tube. I could hear Jeff slicking it on his hand, then he squeezed some on my bud.

The first finger slid in easily; then it came out, and two went in together. A little tight, but also not a problem. With the third one, though, I groaned, and not with pleasure. I started to move away from the pain.

"Don't you move,' Jeff said angrily, and I stopped. He started to push harder, and I cried out in pain.

"You're gonna tear the boy up,' Daddy John said. "You really want to wreck a tight little ass like that''

"No,' Jeff said, sullen. I relaxed a little. "So he's not big. But maybe's he's long. I'm going to put that wrench up inside him,' he said, nodding to the gleaming, silvery long-handled wrench the man had returned, which now lay on the kitchen counter. It was easily a foot long.

"No,' I said. Jeff reached up and slapped me. "Don't every say no to me again,' he growled.

I moved away from him. He grabbed my wrist, stood up.

"No, please,' I said. "Not that. Isn't there any limit to how much you'll hurt me.' I began to cry.

"If you don't bend over right now,' he said, angrily, "I'm going to tie you up like a goddamned steer.'

"I'll scream,' I said defiantly. "I will.'

"Okay,' he said. He reached down around my thighs and slung me over his shoulder. He carried me into the bedroom with the old-fashioned four-poster bed. He threw me on the bed; I tried to scramble up but he straddled my waist, leaning down and pinning my arms.

"Ricky, get some rope, some duct tape, a pair of underpants,' he said. Ricky looked at Daddy John " they were all in the room now " and Daddy nodded. Ricky disappeared.

"Please,' I was whimpering. "I'll be good. Don't do this.'

Ricky returned.

"Cut me a foot of rope,' Jeff told him, and he did, and Jeff tied my wrist to a bed post. Then another foot, and another wrist. Now my arms were immobilized,

Jeff got up and tied my feet to the posts. I was spread like a feast for him. He took the underpants and began to wad them in my mouth, and now I screamed and thrashed, but it was too late; the duct tape went over my mouth, and all I could do was look up at these men with frightened eyes, and whimper.

Jeff disappeared, returned shortly with the wrench and the K-Y. I watched in horror, eyes wide, as he stroked the wrench, slicking it with jelly. Then it was poking against my hole, and I shrieked into my gag and thrashed on the bed. I was so tightly tied I could do nothing.

The little round circle at the end of the wrench slid in, and I began to cry. It didn't hurt much, but it was so humiliating. The men watched with hot, intense eyes, all except for Ricky, who looked frightened. Our eyes met, and he shrugged; there was nothing he could do.

Jeff pushed the wrench in another inch, slowly. Another muffled shriek from me. "Stop your goddamned noise,' Jeff said.

"Careful now,' Daddy Jeff said to him. "You can rupture something if you're not careful.'

"Just wait,' Jeff said. "This little pig will be humping that thing in a minute. He'll be asking for more of it.'

Another couple of inches. It was about a third of the way in, although I couldn't see from where I was. I could only feel the cold steel, hard and alien inside me, as it moved inexorably deeper. I whimpered. A couple more inches. The business end of the wrench now wasn't that far from my ass, my legs spread wide and the thing protruding obscenely from inside me. The men were quiet, breathing harder.

"Just give him a minute,' Jeff said. He began to move the wrench in and out a little. Suddenly my eyes went wide. I felt a quiet, tired acceptance steal over me of the thing inside me; I was pierced, I was a whore, a toy, a thing to play with. Naked before these men. I groaned again, only this time with pleasure. I pushed a little against the wrench, then a little harder.

"See'' Jeff said triumphantly.

"You sure know your boy,' Daddy John conceded.

Jeff reached down and ripped the duct tape off. It hurt like hell. Then he reached in and pulled out the sodden underpants. I could talk.

"What do you say?' Jeff said, as if he were speaking to a child.

"Thank you, Jeff,' I was surprised to hear myself say. "Thank you thank you thank you.'

"Are you ever going to refuse me again''

"No, Jeff, no, never, I wouldn't do that. I was so wrong.'

"Now tell me what you want.'

"Fuck me, Jeff, please fuck me. Fuck me with the wrench.'

Jeff turned to Daddy John. "You got anything bigger in your workshop?''

I didn't care. I pushed happily against the gently thrusting tool.

"I got a hammer with a thick rubber-wrapped handle,' he said after a minute.

"Go get it,' Jeff said to Ricky, who jumped and disappeared, reappearing a minute later with the hammer.

The wrench slid out of me, and I couldn't hide the disappointment. I felt suddenly empty, and I thrust my ass like an animal against the empty air, involuntarily, seeking something hard to fill me. Then the hammer handle was probing my ass, and then it slid in. It was much thicker, and much more satisfying. Jeff had his fist wrapped around the hammer head, pushing it into me. I pushed back, trying to get more. I cried out in my need.

"Jesus,' the other man said. "I've never seen anything like this.'

"Well, let's get the little bitch to pay back a little of this attention,' Jeff said. "John, you want a blow job''

"I believe I do,' he said. He pulled off his trousers and knelt on the bed near my head. Obediently, I took him in my mouth and began to suck.

"Let's get a little four-man band going here,' said Jeff, who now had his cock out and was playing with it. "Ricky, get up on the bed and take this little dick of his in your mouth.' Now I was in heaven. The hammer filled my ass, and Ricky was licking my balls with his warm, sweet tongue. I was crooning crazy things but nobody could make out the words with the big cock in my mouth.

I got hard immediately, and with the hammer to help I was soon coming in his mouth. Jeff came in his hand, and the hammer stopped moving. Daddy John was still fucking my mouth, and now Ricky was blowing the third man. They came about the same time, my mouth filling. Daddy John pulled out of me, and I almost protested. I still wanted him in my mouth. I swallowed the last of his spunk, watched wistfully as his cock disappeared when he zipped up his pants. I couldn't take my eyes off it.

I still writhed and moaned lasciviously for these men staring down at me, Jeff with undisguised disgust; Ricky with something akin to shock; and Daddy John just eyed me thoughtfully. I tried to reach up for them, straining against the ropes.

"Please,' I said, my voice shaky with lust, "please fuck me again. Please, let me have some cock. You can beat me. You can do whatever you want."

"Let's get a drink,' Daddy John said to Jeff, ignoring me.

"What about Bobby'?' Ricky asked.

"He looks so funny there, just leave him a while,' Jeff said. "Maybe we'll find something even bigger to put in him later."

"I got a big mean dog, might like to cover him," the neighbor said. "I could get him later."

And so they turned off the light and left me there. What would a dog feel like in my cunt, I wondered, and had to writhe some more. Did they have big dicks?

What had I become, I thought? Something I didn't recognize. And yet, I didn't want to stop. I wanted more. I wanted everything.

The hammer still protruded from my ass, and as I writhed on the bed I still wanted cock.

I went to bed with Daddy John again that night, and this time he kept me in his bed all night. "Cold night,' he said. I had never cuddled with a man and slept spooned with him all night. I was in Heaven. I wriggled in his arms and kissed him until he gruffly told me to stop. That morning I woke him up by taking his cock in my mouth. As soon as he was hard he turned me over and fucked me again. As I lay in his arms afterward, his cum dripping from my pussy, he looked me in the eyes. "You need to find yourself," he said, quite seriously. "You need to do it soon, or you'll be miserable. If you need time away to think about things, you're always welcome here with me and Ricky."

I thanked him.

That Sunday morning we got back in Jeff's big Buick and drove back to campus. We said hardly a word until near the end of the ride.

"We're going to Detroit next weekend," he said, "and we're going to see just how many cocks you can take."

My heart sank. He was still only interested in what my mouth and hands and pussy could do, and for other men as well as for him. I was like a pet to him, a big, obedient, dumb dog.

And yet that weekend found me in the men's room of a gay bar in a seedy neighborhood in Detroit. Around ten o'clock Jeff had brought me in here, made me strip naked and ask every man who entered if he wanted a blowjob or wanted to fuck me. He made me look them in the eye when I asked. I was hard as a rock; my dick stuck out shamelessly.

The first boy, in his early 20s and looking nervous, said yes, and I wound up on my knees, my clothes rolled up on the floor and cushioning my knees, with a cock in my mouth. He was clean and smelled of soap; he had come to the bar ready, obviously. As my hands cupped his balls, it took him less than five minutes to cum.

By now there was a small crowd and another man stepped up. I took him in my mouth. "You can fuck his ass if you want," Jeff said, and the man lifted me up, turned me around and I braced against a well between two urinals. The man used some hand soap to lube me. I grunted as his finger probed me roughly. Then he was inside me and I pushed back against him, my arms braced against the tiles.

As word got around, more men came in, some to watch, some to get sucked and fucked. The next one had a big, thick cock and I gagged on it. The men laughed and applauded. Somebody spit on me. Then somebody pissed on me. I closed my eyes against the acrid liquid. The pissing man said "Rub it in. Like you are taking a shower." I did as he said, mimicking washing my hair and under my arms and cupping my nipples and rubbing. Some of the more squeamish men, I could see, left the room, but more replaced them.

I looked around for Jeff. He was in the corner, smirking. He looked directly at me. I licked my lips lasciviously, tasting piss.

And it was then I realized I didn't need Jeff. My troubles weren't about Jeff. I needed this. What I was getting right here. To be fucked, to be treated roughly, like a whore, to eat all the cocks I could, like a cock buffet, every kind of delicious dish for me to taste. I could make all of these men feel good, please them, by the dozen. Just little me. I had the power now, simply by giving it all up. Jeff no longer had a hold on me. If anything, I had a hold on him. He would find few boys willing to take his beatings, to fuck any man he told them to, to worship him and prostrate themselves before him. He would always be back, because he needed me more than I needed him. I could always find a cock to suck; a man to beat me; a man to humiliate me.

As the second dozen men lined up, as I reeked of piss and my mouth ached and tasted of cum, I knew I was home. I had found myself. I had become what I had been all along.