"A friend of Julian's?" I turned around. It was a woman. She was beautiful, probably 24. She was the kind of girl I tended to avoid; the kind of girl who loved to torment people. People like me, who had things they wanted to hide. It was in the way she smiled, like she could see right through you and was going to tear you apart if she didn't like what she saw.
"Yes," I told her careful of what I said. Who knew who she was? She could be his sister or his ex or maybe even his girlfriend. "He wanted to get a bite to eat while we were hanging out." She gave me this I-know-your-lying look and smiled. She reminded me of a snake.
"You must be Noland," She said. "Julian told me you were a sweet guy, but he didn't say anything about you being a terrible liar." So she couldn't be his girlfriend because she would be cursing me out. But who was she?
"He told you about me?" I guess, of all the things I did think about, I didn't think he really had anybody to tell. Or maybe since I didn't tell anybody about him, I figured he would do the same.
"There isn't much he doesn't tell me," She informed me, which made me squirm in my seat. "I'm his best friend." Best friend. What did that mean? He was hot, she was beautiful. And He told me that he hadn't come out until he was 20. Could they have dated? She was wearing a short backless white dress. It was funny to look at a girl and know she was sexy, but not feel attracted to her. That's how I felt about her. She had a great body, and her hair was short and thick and a dark brown color. She sat down next to me.
"How long have you known him?" I asked, trying to sound like I was only making small talk.
"I met Julian when I was 16," she said, pouring herself a glass of wine. She had her nose pierced, a some small tattoos on her wrist and fingers.
"So you guys were like, friends in high school?" I don't know why but she chuckled at that before taking a long sip of wine.
"You could say that," she answered me, finally.
"Oh My God I never even asked you your name," I said apologetically. If she really was his best friend, if she didn't like me then we wouldn't really work out.
"Rockelle," Rockelle told me. "Rockelle Fox." I choked on my gum. Fox!! Her last name...was his!!
"What?" I asked between coughs. "You guys have the same last name?"
"I'm joking," Rockelle said laughing at me. "We aren't married, or even related. It'd be weird if we were."
"Right, because he's gay," I said, still a little shocked. She gave me another look. I was really starting not to like this girl.
"Julian is bi, Noland. We dated for a year," she told me. That really made me angry, because he hadn't told me he was bi. I mean he never said he was gay, but not saying something was the same as lying. "Don't tell me you're mad. You're still in the closet." that stung, hard, and I knew she knew it did. But I didn't have a retort, and Julian was on stage.
"For those of you who don't know, I'm Julian," from the general cheers that met his arrival, most of the people here did know who he was. "I'm going to dedicate this song to a pretty awesome guy I met a few weeks ago." He was talking about me; He was talking about me? And he didn't point, but somehow everyone found me and they all looked at me like they knew he meant me. I was used to flying under the radar, not being put on a pedal-stool. The music started, I recognized the song immediately. It was on those phone commercials, Brave by Sara Bareilleis.
"You can be amazing you can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug. You can be the outcast you can be the backlash of somebodies lack of love, or you can start speaking up. Nothing's gonna hurt you the way the words do when the settle neath your skin. Kept on the inside no sunlight sometimes the shadow wins.." His voice was electric. Perfect. Powerful and controlled, like someone who had been singing all their life and knew they were the most talented person in the room. He had the voice of an angel, and I fell in love....
"He's good, isn't he?" Rockelle shocked me out of my fantasizing.
"Umm yeah, really good. I'm surprised he never said anything about it," I replied, only half paying attention to her.
"I wonder what would happen if you Say! What you wanna say! And let the words fall out. Honestly, I wanna see you be brave..."
"That's because it's more of a hobby for him," Rockelle said. "And he hates when people obsess over his singing." Of all the things she'd said, I doubted that he ever hated people obsessing over him. He looked like he belonged on a stage in front of millions of fans screaming his name. Was that all I was? Everybody knows how musicians are.
"Maybe he should," I told her. "He's really talented."
"Talent and passion aren't the same thing," she was sizing me up as she said it, and whatever hidden message she had, I missed. "He's really passionate about what he does. He's a visionary."
"Innocence your history of silence, won't do you any good. Did you think it would? Let your words be anything but empty, why don't you tell them the truuuuttthhhh" He was reaching the end of the song; the song he sang for me. For me. He wanted me to be brave; was he trying to tell me to come out? That's not fair. Just the other week, he was saying how everyone should come out when they're ready. But maybe he was tired of dating someone in the closet- I mean looking at him, anyone could see he could have anyone he wanted to be with. Why was he even here with me? Why did he flirt with me that day? This is a mistake.
"Where are you going?" I heard Rockelle who was genuinely surprised say as I stood up and began to make a beeline for the door. She grabbed my arm and I turned back. "Noland, you can't just leave."
"I'm-I-" I was looking from her to the door. "I can't do this."
"Can't do what?" Julian was beside me- how was he beside me? And his voice was kind and soft and concerned. "Rockelle, what did you do?"
"This has got nothing to do with me," She held her hands up as if she were showing she didn't have a gun. Was she afraid? I couldn't tell, but there was something there. "Talk to your boyfriend." He flinched at that. Of course he would flinch. He didn't think of me that way. I was just a good time. I broke away from him and stormed out of the restaurant. Past the girl who was in charge of music, who he was flirting with- but why should I care?
"Noland wait!" Julian was right behind me- he moved really fast- and grabbed my arm. Unlike Rockelle, who's hands were soft and had only managed to stop me because I wanted to, Julian's hand was strong and a little rough, I could feel how strong he felt. And despite everything, it made me a little hard. "What the hell was that?"
"Nothing I'm sorry I-" the look in his eyes made me stop talking. He looked hurt; like I had hurt him by what I'd said.
"Two things, Noland. Don't apologize when you didn't do anything wrong. And don't tell me it's nothing, when there's something bothering you. This thing won't work if you don't talk to me," I didn't want this thing to work. Or did I? When did my life become so complicated? Everything was simple before. I didn't date anyone. I went to work, got good grades, went to college. Had a few friends.
"You lied to me. Why did you lie to me?" I surprised myself. That hadn't been what I'd planned to say, and I didn't want to sound so hurt. So pathetic. "I thought we were the same- but you...you're different. You're not like me. Rockelle told me you're different." He looked at me like he was confused and lost and blown away that I would say something like that and...angry. Was he angry?
"What are you talking about," he spoke evenly and calmly, but I could see something brewing behind his icey eyes. "What exactly did Rockelle tell you?"
"She told me you were bi, Julian," it felt like bricks were dragging their way up my throat and out my mouth when I said it. Because this meant he was half way normal. And I'm a freak. It was late, this was a populated area, and as I looked around, we were making a scene. People were staring. And he smiled at me. Not his usual smile which was either charming and confident or seductive, but an uncomfortable one.
"My sexuality is not so easily defined," he said, and from the way he was talking I could tell he didn't talk about it much. "Why don't we go somewhere more private? I think it's time we talk." private? Because he was embarrassed to be with me. Because I'm in the closet, and he isn't. And the more I'm with him, in the closet with the door open, the messier I get. And the more I want to run.
"Yeah fine. Let's go back inside," I know I sounded tired, and it's because I was. I spent the last two weeks not thinking, and now all I could do was think.
"Actually, I was thinking my place. When I asked you here, it was only part one. I was going to ask you to spend the weekend with me, though I'm not so sure how you would take it," he seemed a little happier as he dangled the keys to his jeep in his hand. I liked his jeep because he always rode with the top down. It was white, and brand new and another thing that surprised me about him because he didn't strike me as the jeep type. When I pictured him, I saw a car that matched his condo: expensive, flashy, beautiful. The envy of everyone around. Maybe a porsche or a Lambourghni.
"Okay," I agreed to go, though I wasn't sure why. But I honestly would rather not see Rockelle again. I followed him to his car. He opened the door for me, which was sweet and something he didn't usually do.
"So let's talk," Julian was sitting across from me on his patio. The night air was refreshing and the sound of the distant waves soothing. "I'm sorry you had to meet Rockelle that way. She's a real bitch sometimes."
"But you dated her," I pointed out. "For like a year."
"I also slept with her for a year," I hadn't expected him to be so mean, but then again he was friends with her, so they had to have something in common. "I know my past, Noland. I don't need you to try to tell me about things you don't understand."
"Well then tell me about you and her Julian," I was lashing out because I was mad at him.
"I'm not, because that's not important," he said. "Unless you're upset that I had sex with someone else. Because you said you were mad about me being bi. Which isn't true by the way." I perked up at that even though I knew I shouldn't have.
"So you're..."
"Everyone has their own process, Noland. Yes we dated for a year, yes we had sex. But I am not attracted to her in the way that I'm attracted to you."
"Then how did you have sex with her?" I was genuinely curious, because I didn't get it. He let out a sigh and rolled his eyes.
"I guess it's like how you can eat something you don't like and still get full. Like peanut butter. I like guys, I'm attracted to guys. But we all experiment."
"Have you ever been with any other girls?" I asked and immediately regretted it. What if he lied to me? I wouldn't know the difference. What if he told me the truth?
"I've been with other girls," He admitted. "I've been with other guys too, because that's what you're going to ask next."
"How would you know that? Are you a psychic?" it was a lame attempt at a joke, but he laughed.
"Yes. Yes I am. Any more questions?" he looked at me, more at ease than he was before.
"Was she your first?" I guess I was more curious than I thought.
"No," he laughed when he responded. "Not my first or my last. We dated three years ago. I lost my virginity in highschool."
"Did you love her?" Maybe this was too bold, but I couldn't stop now. I caught him off guard.
"Maybe," he finally said, quietly. "Why are you so interested in her?"
"I don't know. I guess..because I met her. And she seems like the kind of girl for you."
"You aren't the first person to say that," he told me, which made me concerned. "Rockelle is a great friend, but she has a darkside. And besides, I'm gay remember?"
"Why did you sing that song to me?"
"Because someone already did Don't You Want Me," I laughed with him, but then he got kind of quiet. "I thought you would like it. But now I'm going to ask you a question."
"What is it?" I hated being on the spot; it was definitely easier when I was doing all the asking. But he answered all my questions so I have to answer his.
"I was you first," which didn't sound like a question, and when I finally met his eyes I could tell he knew that for a fact. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Well, I umm," I stared at the ground hard, completely embarrassed. How did he know?
"I don't have a problem with being your first, but that's usually the type of thing you tell a guy before you let him fuck your brains out," he was sort of joking, but I still felt like an idiot.
"I guess I was just embarrassed. I'm 22 and I never had sex. Your first was in highschool," it was even harder to admit the truth, which is why I tried to avoid talking. I felt him place his hand on my chin, softly, and lift my face up so that I was looking into his eyes. They seemed to shine like little frozen stars.
"Well I'm honored that you let me be your first. But that's also why we haven't had sex since then," I had wondered about that, but I figured it was because he was sleeping with someone else. "Because your fist time should be romantic. That's why I was going to invite you to stay here with me for the weekend. A do-over of epic love making."
"I've never been in a relationship either," I told him, because he had to know that too.
"So you've been saving yourself all for me? I hope I can make this the best you'll ever have," he leaned in and kissed me, slowly and lightly. His lips were warm and wet as I leaned back into the chair, hoping for more. "One more question."
"What is it?"
"Will you be my boyfriend?" I know people say it all the time, but my heart literally skipped a beat and my breath caught in my throat. Had I heard him right? He wanted me to be his boyfriend? "That is what you want, right?"
"I-I-um, yes," I sounded like an idiot babbling like that, but I couldn't help it. I still wasn't sure I'd heard him right. "I just never thought you'd ask." He smiled and leaned in and kissed my ear.
"I'm full of surprises."
So this chapter didn't have any sex, but I figured it was time to dive into some of the emotional stuff. Don't worry, next chapter they'll have their first time all over again. Hope you enjoyed! email me with any comments/ questions! nbradFshaw@yahoo.com