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Man on Fire. Chapter 1
I was in a funk, well that was an understatement. I was majorly depressed. It was hardly surprising really, just about nineteen months ago my husband had left me. I hadn't taken it well, especially as it seemed he'd been seeing someone else for nearly a decade. I won't go into how betrayed and stupid I felt but you can guess. I'd dropped some friends because they'd known all about his `other' life, others who kept telling me how stupid and blind I was to have not seen the obvious. I suppose there was a certain amount of stupidity on my part but I'm one of those people who believes in truth, honesty, and loyalty. When we'd gotten together I knew he was the one for me, I knew in my soul that this was who I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. We'd been together nearly twenty-eight years and married seventeen of those. We'd married as soon as the law had changed it was the next logical step. We'd bought a house together, we had a small holiday cottage, we even had a boat.
Now here I was at some fifty-three years old trying to rebuild my life on my own. Although the divorce was final the financial situation was all sorted out I was still in mourning. I still woke up with an ache in my chest not just from the end of my marriage but the loss of my best friend. Since he'd left I'd been functioning pretty much on autopilot. I got up went to work, came home ate, walked the dog, showered, and went to bed. One day just merged into the next and the next and the next and now still after a year and a half, I hadn't moved on. I knew I had to break the cycle of repetition when my boss pulled me into the office for a review. After twenty years this was the first one that I hadn't excelled at. "This won't do Michael," she said. "Go away, take a break somewhere sunny. Get laid, just do something that makes you smile. You're not just my employee Michael, you're my friend. So go on holiday refresh your batteries, go to Greece, Spain anywhere where you can focus on yourself. With a little time for you and some perspective you might just realise you deserve to be happy and loved" she whispered that last sentence. I looked up and saw the tears in her eyes and I too lost it then. "As of now, you're on a month's sabbatical" she stood, and as she passed by me on her way out the door she patted my shoulder. I just sat crying in her office for the next half hour before pulling myself together. This won't do I thought. So I took a deep breath headed back to my office grabbed my stuff, and left heading home early. I knew she was right I had to start getting my shit together or I was going to end up with some serious mental health issues, well worse than I already had.
Like people dogs tend to be creatures of habit so I completely surprised Daphne, my dog when I got in. She was sound asleep upside down on the sofa, a sofa she knew she wasn't supposed to be on. I stood in the doorway as she snored as she slept soundly. I coughed a couple of times but still, she slept on. I finally crouched down on the floor next to her and blew softly on her nose, it twitched a time or two before a bleary big brown eye opened and looked at me. Her tail began to wag slapping the seat cushion, I wasn't cross. I chuckled as I nuzzled in close. "What are you doing up here madam?" I asked her. She sneezed and snuggled in closer to me as if to apologise. I took the comfort she gave me and after another crying jag, I grabbed my MacBook and pulled up some cottages on Airbnb. I wanted something remote, somewhere my ex Jack and I hadn't been before. It took nearly four hours to find the right one but I did, and it looked perfect.
Fast forward eighteen or so hours and the car is packed, the dogs in her bed on the passenger seat next to me. We've got a full tank and we're on the motorway cruising at seventy miles an hour heading to the north of England, to Yorkshire. We had no choice but to stop several times for food and drinks for us both and walks for Daphne to piddle. A little after two in the afternoon and after winding through countless single-track roads the tyres crunched over the gravel as we pulled into the quintessential northern stone cottage. It was a chocolate box perfect. I unpacked and fed Daphne and poured myself a large brandy as I ran a bath. Some scented bath oil and another sip of the good stuff while I spent the next hour soaking and letting the brandy do its work. I felt the alcohol numbing my senses enough to relax just a little. I didn't dwell but I had to look ahead. A small plan of action formed as I lay there in the steaming water. I reluctantly got out of the bath nearly ninety minutes after I'd got in. The water had cooled again considerably even though I'd topped it up four times with more hot. My skin had pruned and my stomach was growling so I knew I had to get out and eat. On the drive up this single-track road, I'd passed a small pub about a mile away. I figured it'd be the perfect place for some dinner and maybe another drink or two, after all, I was on holiday. I fed Daphne and got dressed, nothing special just blue jeans, running shoes, and a sweater, and headed out down the winding road.
The pub was cosy and pretty full of locals, a fire was crackling in the corner. There was a rich smell of woodsmoke, applewood if I was right. It made me smile and think of my grandmother's place. The room went silent when I entered and I got a few looks when I ordered my pint of beer. I heard murmurs of "the idiot doesn't have a coat on," but ignored them and just smiled and took a seat at the bar. The drink was sheer ambrosia, I drank it nearly straight down and ordered another. I'm not a big drinker, even after the ex left I hardly drank. I think I had more booze today than I had over the Christmas period. I liked an occasional brandy but generally didn't like drinking alone, and as I'm very much on my own it seemed somewhat sad to me. I ordered some food at the bar, a chilli with rice. I figured I ought to eat something less the alcohol make me fall flat on my face. I already had a good buzz going. I did manage to eat the chilli but the rice was overcooked, well it tasted like the pan had gone dry. There was definitely a hint of burned food with every mouthful, but I was starving and buzzing with alcohol so I ate it all. I managed to stifle a belch, not being used to drinking the brandy, and the three or was it four beers were kicking in quickly on that near-empty stomach. I was grinning at myself in the mirrors behind the bar and even though I'd eaten well I was still feeling a little drunk. So I did what anyone would do, and ordered another beer. I also did that thing you do when you're alone in a bar, I had a discreet look around at the people in there.
After seeing myself grinning like the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland I began looking in the mirror to see who else was in here. I saw various couples, all straight and a few groups of pensioners deep in conversation. No one paid me any attention, I was about to call it a night when I spied in the far corner a man sitting on his own. he was doing his damnedest to not be seen. He had a baseball cap on with the brow peak pulled low so his face was in dark shadow. The wall lamp above him was off so the corner he was occupying was in shadows. He said nothing, never looked at anyone, he didn't even look around the room or make any attempt to engage with anyone. He just sat there with a half-empty glass of beer in front of him. I was intrigued and I guess all the beers and a couple of large brandies made me a little less, well a lot less discreet than I thought I was being. So I sat there looking at the guy, staring and willing him to look up at me. I don't know why but I just felt inside it was important he did so. I don't know how much time passed it could have been a minute it could have been twenty but when he did look up his eyes locked with mine in the mirror. I felt the breath catch in my throat. They were the intense blue of the Caribbean. I gasped aloud, the rock of ice that was encasing my heart and freezing my soul didn't melt it shattered.
I hadn't taken my eyes off his but was taken aback as he scowled at me. It was a look of hatred that washed over his face. If looks could kill I'd be dead on the floor already. He stood his rage and fury exploding silently but the sudden movement sent the table rocking back and forth. His glass tried to defy gravity but tipped and fell, his remaining beer spilling everywhere over the table and pooling on the carpeted floor. All conversations ceased instantly. The friendly barmaid rushed around and began wiping the table. As she moped up the beer she spoke softly to the man. Her words were gentle and the tension left his body as she patted his arm. He glared once more at me and he left abruptly the door banging as it slammed closed behind him. Everyone again turned to look at me, some shook their heads others tutted and low murmuring filled the air. I'll be honest I hadn't any idea of what I'd just done wrong. Well, I know I was eyeing up a straight guy but to garner that kind of reaction was a little over the top in my opinion.
The barmaid came and stood beside me, placing the man's empty glass on the bar along with the soaking cloths stinking of beer. "You shouldn't have stared at Alex," she said. Her tone wasn't friendly at all, "I'm sorry I couldn't help it. When I saw him I didn't mean to gasp out loud" I said. "You're not the first to do it, but he's still extremely conscious of his scars," she said softly. "What scars?" I said. She looked up at me abruptly puzzled. Her once soft face hardened as she spoke "yes, his scars. The whole fucking bar heard you gasp." I frowned at her "I'm sorry, but I didn't see any scars, what, I saw was the most amazing blue eyes I think I've ever seen in my entire life" I said. She looked a little surprised "You're telling me you only saw his eyes?" She took a deep breath thinking about what I'd just said, she scowled at me, her mouth forming an angry line. "You're full of shite, now drink up and just go." I finished my drink. "I er, need to use the restroom first if that's okay?" I asked, and she nodded. I used the men's room and exited back into the main bar and headed for the door "You really didn't see them, the scars?" She asked again. I looked at her, I felt sad. I shook my head and headed out into the night air.
The country roads were unlit and the temperature had dropped considerably, my breath fogged as I walked in the cool air. Fortunately, thanks to all the booze I was feeling warm from within and I hummed to myself softly as I walked. The only sound on the road was the scuffs from my feet and the odd stone that skittered as I kicked it as I made my way back to my holiday rental. A few times I stopped and looked behind me, I had the sensation I was being watched. Maybe that was the wrong phrase not watched but stalked like a hunter does after a deer. As I made my way around the single-track lanes the wind whispered through the grass and the adjacent fields. The rapeseed swayed and the scent of the flowers and perfumed air filled my nose. The hairs on my neck began to prickle and not from the cool night air. I could swear I heard soft footfalls and maybe even a twig snapping. My pulse began to speed up, and I stood motionless straining my ears, but there was nothing. But the fight or flight mode was in full flow, even though I chided myself for my paranoia I picked up my pace and quickly reached the cottage. I breathed a huge sigh of relief as the security light lit up my car and the shingle pathway and I laughed out loud. Shaking my head I fished my keys from my pocket and went inside locking the door securely. Daphne had actually heard me for once and began to bark and jump up at me for my triumphant return and in celebration of my conquest over the dark.
I was in bed a half hour or so later mulling over the bar incident. I thought long and hard about that man in the bar. Did I see his scars? I replayed seeing him over and over but no matter how hard I tried all I saw every time was his eyes. Even in his anger when he stood there swaying incandescent with rage it was his eyes that captured me. He seemed pretty big I seemed to recall as he stood there, taller than me I would think and I'm six-feet-two. It wasn't just his height, he seemed to make the room look small by filling all the available space. Yet no matter how hard I thought, my mind could only focus on those eyes burning and so very intense. As sleep crept upon me I saw those eyes and I smiled before they dissolved in the warmth of the sea. I smiled as my eyelids fluttered closed and I slipped off into my dreams. I was rudely awakened by loud banging on the front door and Daphne barking like a dog possessed. Now Daphne thinks she's a Rottweiler, especially when there's someone at the door. She's ready to tear any intruder limb from limb and there's many a postman who has nearly shat themselves thinking of the hound behind the door. The fact is Daphne is a twelve-pound Jack Russell terrier. She is a trans dog, she's a big dog trapped in a small dog's body. As to tearing you apart, well truth be told she's liable to lick you to a slow death rather than maul you to a pulp.
I stumbled out of bed to the window and peeked out the front. I can't see much just, I can the top of someone's head at the door. I sigh as I pull on my jeans. I head downstairs pick up Daphne and open the door. I wasn't expecting to see who was standing there so I was taken by surprise. It was the barmaid from last night. She took me in from head to toe as I stood there shirtless, my jeans open at the top button. She grinned somewhat lasciviously. I felt naked and somewhat exposed. She just stood there staring grinning at me "Can I help you, or are you just going to stare at my chest?" I asked. "Oh, er, I'm sorry that was so rude," she said flushing pink before continuing. "I hate it when men just stand there and stare at my tits." I laughed, her comment broke the frosty tension. "I was wondering if I could have a word about," she said pausing. I sighed "last night?" I finished for her. She nodded. I too nodded and stepped aside and she entered the cottage. She walked through the hall into the kitchen. "You want some coffee?" She asked. I was confused here she was a guest in my holiday cottage asking me if I wanted coffee. "Sure, why not," I said. She moved deftly around opening the doors and drawers and getting coffee on the go. I looked at her confusedly, my eyes squinting slightly closed, she knew where everything was. I said nothing but was getting extremely suspicious of her motives. She sat two steaming mugs down on the kitchen table, Daphne the betrayer immediately jumped into her lap and licked her neck. I sat and just looked at her waiting for her to speak.
This woman looked back at me not saying anything either. I picked my mug up and toasted her thanks before taking a sip of the rich coffee. It was amazing, and fucking hot. It seared my tongue but the aroma permeated my brain waking it up fully. As I swallowed the scalding liquid the taste ignited my tastebuds making my stomach growl. "You're hungry," she said. I rolled my eyes "If you want to cook me breakfast go right on, you probably know where everything is..." I said leaving the question hanging of how she knew her way around a strange kitchen. She looked at me and smiled, and laughed. "No, I can read that look. Just NO, I don't fuck every man who stays in this rental. My family owns it, we also own the pub as well" she said matter of factly. It was my turn to laugh now, "well you'd have got a lousy fuck out of me" I said. She looked at me still shirtless, "with a body like that, your claiming to be a crappy fuck? I don't believe that for one minute" she said smiling. "I also don't buy the insecure attitude, it might get the other women into bed easily, but it won't work on me. I may be a country lass but I'm not that easy and definitely not that gullible. Or that easy..." she said with certainty.
I roared with laughter, and couldn't stop. I laughed till I had tears and my side ached. oh fuck I was dying of hysterics she thought I was trying to play it coy. Trying to seduce her. I wiped the tears away from my eyes, still chuckling. "No, no you've completely misunderstood me. Trust me, it really would be a lousy fuck I assure you. Not because I'm a lousy fuck, anything but the contrary. Even if I say so myself I'm pretty hot in bed" I was chuckling again. "It's just that I don't bat for your team," I said raising my eyebrows for emphasis. I watched her face as she suddenly connected all the dots "Oh fucking hell I feel stupid" she cried out laughing. We both laughed for a few minutes till we could calm down. I sipped my coffee and then spoke "So, Miss..?" She swallowed her mouthful of coffee and replied "Emma, just Emma" She smiled. "Pleased to meet you, I'm Michael" I extended my hand as I introduced myself. "So just Emma, what brings you to my door at..." I looked at my watch "oh fuck, at seven-thirty," I said. She looked a bit guilty "oh sorry about that, but Alex wasn't home when I got back last night. He's not been home at all in fact" She bit her bottom lip before carrying on "I was a bit worried about you, that he might have come around here" she said but no longer making eye contact with me.
I took another sip of the coffee, it was really good. "But why would he come here?" I asked, she again averted her eyes looking everywhere but at me. "Emma, why would he come here? Before last night I'd never seen him. To be honest, if it wasn't for his eyes I'd never be able to pick him out of a line up" I said. "You really are fucking bastard," she said angrily getting to her feet. She was leaning on the table over me. I looked up at her confused. "Look take this down a notch, why are you so bent out of shape that I can't recognise him?" I said. She stood there staring at me so hard I'm surprised she didn't sear a hole in my chest. After a minute of her intense gaze, she spoke with surprise in her voice. "You mean that, what you just said" she replied sitting down again. "Look Emma, I'm tired and a little hungover, and very clearly missing something here. So do us both a favour and explain it to me" I said. Her head was cocked slightly to one side weighing up the truthfulness and sincerity of what I'd just said. She scratched her head, bit her bottom lip a few times then sighed.
She took a deep breath and this time she made really good eye contact "I came because I was worried. Alex, he's my older brother. He was a lifelong army man before becoming an officer in the SAS. He was an officer and a bloody good one too, and was just a couple of months shy of retiring when he was sent back into Afghanistan. He'd done a handful of top-secret missions there and this was to be his last. They were flying over some small village when his helicopter was shot down. Miraculously he was thrown clear completely uninjured, but many of his men weren't. They're a brotherhood, you know what army men are like... So he ran back in and saved six of his men, when he went to get the seventh it exploded. He was horribly injured, but he was lucky to survive. He was broken and battered and burned but he's far too much of a stubborn shit to give into anything least of all death. He has terrible PTSD and it's been a long journey these past few years to get him to start socialising but he's made progress. The first time someone in the bar commented on his scars he put them in the hospital." She left that hanging. I sat bolt upright in my chair suddenly aware she thought her brother had come around to beat the crap out of me. "Hang on a minute, I didn't even notice his scars," I said indignantly. "I know that now, and you know that. But Alex doesn't know it" Emma said. "Shit," I said. "Yeah," she said. "Michael, can I ask what you were looking at?" She asked. I felt my cheeks flush and she laughed "Wow, that's different..." she giggled.
I rolled my eyes and I told her my story, not just about my husband leaving me. I told her everything even the horrors that even happened as a child, the first person I've ever told. When I got to the part about Alex I carried on, "it was his eyes... they were so beautiful. I never saw his scars. I felt, God this sounds so stupid. For the first time in months, I felt calm." I wasn't aware of the point when Emma had moved her chair closer to mine, my hand was resting in hers. The skin on her hands was rough, I rubbed my index finger along her palm. "They're not a lady's hands, I work on the farm mostly. I cover the bar three times a week and clean this place between guests. She brought her free hand up and wiped my tears away. I felt the calluses on her finger as she brushed my tears away. I smiled at her, I felt a little lighter inside "I should go if I'm not safe here" I said. She bit her lip again obviously a nervous gesture as she thought. She was about to speak when her phone began to ring, she didn't say much and hung up. She looked relieved, and she smiled before speaking. "You don't have to go Michael. It's fine, you're safe here. That was my dad, Alex is at the farm. I shouldn't have come and it would seem I've overreacted again. I'm sorry if I scared you" She seemed embarrassed that she'd just shared her brother's vulnerability. "Emma, don't worry I won't say anything about what you told me," I said. She nodded "I better get back, I'll see myself out," she said standing. She leaned forward and kissed me softly on my stubbly cheek. Then she left.
I finished my coffee and went back upstairs to bed, Daphne following a few steps behind. I slid under the duvet and mulled over what Emma had told me. At some point I must have drifted off and when I awoke a few hours later my stomach was growling. I felt refreshed and slid out of bed and had a quick shower. Once dressed I headed downstairs, I had a late breakfast and grabbed Daphne's lead, and headed out to the back of the cottage. She's deaf as fuck when I tell her to stop barking but when I pick her lead up she's there like a shot. I didn't bother locking the back door as I left and I had to carry this little mutt over the drystone walls. We walked and walked ambling through the countryside. The sun was high in the sky and a soft breeze was blowing, I found some old trails and we followed overgrown pathways here and there. Daphne for a small dog has a bladder the size of a tanker. Every thirty feet she had to pee till I just let her off so she could follow at her own pace. As we walked I sucked in the pollution-free air, it was cleaning my lungs and clearing my head. I talked to myself as I walked. The plan I began elaborating in the bath last night was growing into a realistic plan of action. A plan to move forward and let go of the past, the hurt. All of it.
We must have been walking for about three or four hours or so. I was hot, sweat soaking my shirt and even though our pace was slow Daphne was panting heavily. Up ahead I could hear running water, just beyond a clump of trees we came to a wide river. Daphne wasted no time and jumped in and began lapping and playing in the water. I stood on the bank and threw a few sticks for her, and finally, I thought bugger it. I took my boots and socks off, I glanced around, and having seen no one around since we started our walk peeled off my shirt then I dropped my jeans. I wasn't wearing any underwear underneath and started wading into the river. The cool water was refreshing but instantly made my skin prickle with the coldness of the water. Taking the plunge I dove in, Daphne was barking madly as I began to swim. The refreshing water was cool against my hot skin and I felt a lightness envelope me. It was bliss, I swam and splashed my dog. I felt light in my heart, unburdened. It felt good to feel like this, it'd been so long. I wasn't fooling myself I was over it all, but I knew now that something had changed in me. Small steps... I told myself. As I thought I remembered that old Chinese proverb "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." As I got out of the water I spoke, "this is the first step of a new me Daphne." She looked at me saying nothing but understanding everything. I stood and let the warm breeze begin to dry me and after about another ten minutes or so I lay upon the soft grass. The rays of the sun shining through the branches letting the dappled light and warmth of the sun soothe me to a zen-like state. I was relaxing naked in nature like I hadn't been since I was a boy. As I lay there I let the sun continue finishing drying me off and my eyes closed. Daphne was lying next to me softly snoring, she was nearly fifteen and she slept pretty soundly now. "You'll burn in this heat," said a deep resonant voice.
I sat up abruptly looking around for the person who'd spoken, Daphne slept on. My head spun like I was in the exorcist but I couldn't see anyone. I kept looking but was beginning to think I imagined the voice and was going to lie down again when it came again behind me. "You'll be sorry if you burn your cock and balls, trust me I know" It was followed by a chuckle. I knew I was being watched now stood and tried to quickly pull on my jeans. Hopping around on one leg I fell over in my rush to get dressed. Naked I felt somewhat vulnerable, my socks and boots came next, and then finally my shirt. I walked over to where I thought the voice had come from, no one was there. The grass was well trodden down and a few broken branches showed there had indeed been someone there. I was kind of turned on someone had been watching me, but also a bit creeped out too. I was about to go back to my still snoring dog when I saw dew glinting off a branch. Who am I kidding I knew it wasn't dew at this time of day. I reached out, the viscous liquid smooth between my finger and thumb. I brought it to my nose and sniffed. Cum. I bit my lip. I knelt and saw more splatters on a few leaves I swept my finger through the milky puddle. I brought it to my mouth, my tongue darted out and I tasted it. Mmmm definitely cum, I shuddered. I suddenly felt horny. It'd been months since I last had a good wank, I just wasn't interested in sex anymore. Not even porn. But tasting this I felt my cock thicken in my pants and a wave of desire flood my system.
My hand made its way to my jeans and I squeezed my lengthening shaft when I suddenly realised what I was doing. I stood up somewhat embarrassed and wiped my fingers on the ass of my jeans. I went back to my sleeping dog and picked her up and cradling her I began the long walk back to the cottage. It seemed to only take a little over an hour to get back, why does it seem like that? It was nearing two p.m. when I got back. I was sweaty so I showered again, I fed the dog, and read for an hour or two. Around seven I changed into another pair of jeans and headed back down to the pub. I sang show tunes to myself as I walked down the lanes, it was still bright and would be for another hour or so. Seeing the sun lower in the sky on just my first full day away I felt chilled out and rested. I was grinning to myself as I opened the old wooden pub door, Emma was again behind the bar. She smiled as did I. I ordered a beer and rather than sit at the bar I went to the corner where I had seen Alex last night. I threw my keys and phone down on the seat beside me, I got a few looks from the oldies in there but ignored them. I browsed my phone for a little while and drank a few pints. I was browsing the menu when I heard coughing next to me. I looked up and there again was Alex, I fell into his gaze. He kicked my foot and I came to my senses "Move up" he said. I slid along the bench seat. He sat down hard and heavy making the seat bounce me slightly up and down.
He didn't say anything. "I think the words you're looking for are thank you," I said louder than I had intended. The room went deathly quiet, I looked up and I found a dozen pairs of eyes staring at me in shock and horror. Jesus Christ what was I thinking I thought. Alex looked at me hard, his jaw was ridged with tension. He nodded at me, I was about to nod back when he spoke "then, thank you." His voice was deep and resonating like big boulders clashing together. I knew that voice. I grinned at him. He frowned at me. It was his voice I'd heard this afternoon. I smiled and acknowledged his thanks then went back to my menu. If it was his voice then it was his cum I had tasted. I felt myself growing hard. I swallowed hard. I think I must have read that bloody menu about twenty or thirty times and I still hadn't a clue what food was written on it. "Don't order the steak, Emma can't cook red meat for shit. Have the curry and rice, at least she can't burn the fuck out of that" the voice next to me rumbled. I laughed "I don't know, I had the chilli and rice last night and it definitely had a singed quality to it," I said. He laughed "How can she fuck up chilli?" He laughed as did I. Taking a gamble I held my hand out to him "I'm Michael" I said smiling. He hesitated before reaching out and clasping my hand. He shook it firmly. Not so hard to make me squirm but still a nice firm shake "Alex" he said. "But you know that already don't you?"
He looked at Emma as he spoke, she instantly looked down and began polishing glasses. "Yeah, I did know your name," I said. He looked back at me, slowly. I met his gaze and held it before looking at his whole face. He wasn't wearing a hat tonight. His hair was dark with grey at the temples, cut short not military short but his ears still looked somewhat stranded at the side of his head. He was burned on the entire left half of his face, and down his neck, the skin looked like it had melted somewhat. His lips were untouched and full and his nose had been broken probably dozens of times as it was slightly crooked. His eyes as I've said were the blue of Caribbean seas, he was one of those men who had a dark double lash which emphasised them. The mixture of smokey haze of his dark lashes heightened the intensity of the blue. He had full dark brows softly arching over them. Even with his multitude of imperfections, he was the handsomest man I think I've ever seen. A raw sexuality exuded from every pore of his being, I felt an attraction towards him I didn't even know I had. It wasn't pity or anything like that, I didn't feel sympathy for him. Sure what had happened to him was fucking awful but shit happens to us all. The scars were just part of him, like a tattoo or a birthmark.
As I continued to look at him, at his face, his features hardened. I felt the anger begin emanating from him like a heat haze. The trouble was I was so enraptured with his looks I forgot to swallow and dribbled. As the drool spilled from my mouth I looked down to see where it would fall but quickly managed to suck it back up. Head bowed I looked up over my eyes back at him, embarrassed. His anger was clear in his voice as he spoke, his voice clear but loud enough just for me to hear "I know what you're thinking Michael. You're thinking you've never seen someone so hideously ugly, huh?" As soon as he finished he took a large swig of his drink. He was looking straight ahead, he was expecting meanness if I chose to reply. I have no idea why I said this but what I said was instinct. "Actually Alex I was thinking I hope the rest of you tastes as good as your cum." He choked and spluttered his drink over himself and the table. He looked at me coughing on his beer, and I winked at him. I grinned and fucking winked at him. What was I, fifteen? Fuck what was I playing at? This is a soldier with major PTSD and I was acting like a schoolgirl flashing my knickers at him. What the fuck was wrong with me?
I looked at him, he was staring at me. I bit my lip, "fuck Alex, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I said that" I said. I stood quickly "I need a piss," I said. He slid along the seat enabling me to get out, as I did I stumbled and felt his hand on my ass. He gripped it momentarily and I didn't acknowledge it, but I did smile to myself as I headed to the restroom. I went in and sat in the stall locking the door, my breathing was quick and I felt exhilarated. A minute or two later I heard the main door open then a zzzzzip of a zipper opening and someone pissing then a long fart. The basin was used then the door opened again and the low murmurs of the bar crept in. It was then I sat there talking to myself "Michael, Michael, Michael... you gotta reign this in. You're going to get the shit kicked out of you. He's a fucking soldier, a big fucking handsome soldier" I said and chuckled. "Stop it get a grip" I took a deep breath and composed myself and even though I hadn't used the toilet I flushed and unlocked the door. My next breath caught in my throat, for leaning up against the sink was Alex. He looked at me, there was a fire in his eyes, I was like a deer caught in the headlights of a truck coming at it at full speed.
He levered himself away from the basin thrusting his hips forward and he took two large strides toward me. His expression was confused but there was a glimmer of a smile on his lips. I froze as he came to a stop in front of me. Fuck he was tall, he had a good six inches on my six-two, and he was wide too. A giant of a man, I braced myself waiting for him to beat the crap out of me. I felt the air stir but no punch. I felt his breath at my ear as he spoke. "I'm handsome huh? Are you sure you're seeing the same man?" He asked. I swallowed hard "I know what I see," I said. His face got closer the ruined skin pressing against my cheek. "Now I'm told my cum tastes even sweeter when it's fresh from the tap" he whispered. As he pulled back our eyes locked, he leaned in and kissed me. I felt fire igniting in my veins, as he pulled back a long line of spittle was left connecting us. I looked at him, scrutinising him, in the bright light of the restroom it showed every flawed inch of his face. He stared into my eyes hard. I felt my desire for him flood my system, his eyes bored into my soul and I smiled. I let what I was feeling show on my face in my own eyes and he took a step back shocked. He turned abruptly and left the restroom, I stumbled over to the basin and washed my shaking hands and my face. I used the air dryer and looked at myself in the mirror. What had he seen that made him look so worried? I'm not ugly, I know that for a guy my age, I look pretty good. Sure there are a few extra pounds here and there. But what spooked him? I took a deep breath and headed back to the bar to find his seat empty. I looked around for him, he was nowhere to be seen. I sat back in my seat, unsure what had just happened.
I was gutted he wasn't there, had I pissed him off? Or was it simply that I had scared him off? Shit, fuck and balls I said over and over in my mind. I debated for a few minutes what to do. I finished my drink before standing and heading out the door. I was going to have to find somewhere else to go and leave in the morning I decided as I walked back to my cottage. I was confused my mind going over what had just happened. Alex was an enigma to me, he was giving out such conflicting signals. The walk home seemed to take next to no time I put my hand in my pocket for my keys and groaned. "Fuck" I grumbled, remembering I threw them on the bench seat in the pub. I walked around the back to the kitchen but I'd locked that door so I had no choice but to turn around and begin walking back to the pub. The only consolation was in the time that had passed it had gotten darker and it was beautiful seeing the stars starting to shine. I stood in the middle of the road for a moment transfixed as each new one began appearing like a jewel in the sky. Thanks to the rural location there was no light pollution at all, I found myself smiling at the sheer beauty of a simple velvety night sky.
I again walked into the pub, and once again everyone stared at me as I headed back over to my seat. My keys were there glinting on the seat next to where I had previously sat, I muttered and cursed at my idiocy. I tried not to make eye contact with Alex who was once again sat back in his seat again. He didn't look up at me as I came in, "hey Michael, you okay " Emma said as she frowned at me. "Idiot that I am I forgot my keys," I said and rolled my eyes laughing. She laughed, "here have another drink, this one's on the house," she said popping a pint on the bar. I hesitated I wasn't going to stay, but it was only polite that I drank the proffered drink. I took a sip and sighed "mmmm that's good, thank you" she smiled. I didn't want to sit at the bar itself so I picked up my drink and thought fuck it, I walked back over to Alex. He didn't look at me. I kicked his foot "move up" I said. I heard a sharp intake of breath from the table next to me. Seems nobody dared piss the big man off, I know he has his issues. But treating him like he's wrapped in cotton wool surely can't be doing him any favours I thought. He glared at me and I smiled at him, a big old toothy grin. It was a genuine smile one that reached my eyes and was full of warmth. He shook his head and slid up, I heard a chink as my keys fell to the floor. I sat down without saying anything just as he had. "I think the words you're looking for are thank you," he said. There was a lot of humour in his voice. "Indeed those are the words, thank you Alex," I said. "Where'd you go?" He asked quietly. I bit my lip, if I told him the truth he'd think me stupid. But to lie, even by omission is against my life principles.
Here goes I thought "you weren't here when I came out of the men's room, so I left," I said. He looked at me `you left because I wasn't here?" His voice was unsure "why?" I closed my eyes briefly "I, er... well I, oh fuck it. Alex, I thought I had pissed you off somehow. My feelings are all over the place right now, and I just suddenly felt very vulnerable and very, very much alone. I simply didn't want to be sat in a pub full of strangers staring at me feeling like crap. I'd rather be back at the little cottage feeling like that without an audience, at least there I could be cuddled up with my dog. I at least know she likes me" I said with my voice cracking a little. "I never said I didn't like you," he said. "I think you saw this afternoon how much I liked you," he said. "Alex, you don't even know me. You know nothing about me, you've made no effort to engage me in conversation. Not that you should, but... I'm sorry. I gotta go" I said. He made to grip my wrist as I moved and headed swiftly out the door. I was halfway across the car park when I heard a deep voice. "Michael, you forgot your keys... again." I stood there tilted my head right back and sighed. I heard heavy footfalls on the asphalt getting closer and closer. "Just kill me now," I said muttering softly to God above. I felt breath at my ear, "Now you don't want me to do that, do you? I think you want me to do this" he said.