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If you are under 18 years of age, or the following content may be illegal where you reside, read no further. (Okay, there really isn't much sex in this chapter, but it will be coming in future installments).
The Confessional - Chapter 1
John woke with a start. His bedclothes were soaked. he'd had the same dream again. It was just a dream, but all the same it was wrong, it was forbidden. He'd known since he was a boy that he was attracted to other guys, but he'd suppressed those feelings. He'd even forced himself to marry out of loneliness and shame. Teresa had loved him, loved him enough to understand and offer him what comfort she could, but she was still a woman.
In the year since her death, the dreams have been coming more frequently. They've also become more vivid, more graphic. and now he seemed to cum with such force it would startle him awake. And lately the dreams are starting to occupy so much of his waking hours too. John couldn't leave his apartment without catching himself staring at some cute boy, staring at his butt as the boy walked by.
John would look at other men, but more and more his fixation was turning to boys. He remembered that through all of his youth, he always was attracted to other boys or young men around his own age. Then after marrying he was able through love for his wife, to block out his carnal desires. For 30 years he'd not thought of sex with other men. 30 years. Strangely, he really couldn't remember where those 30 years went. He could remember fragments, could remember going through the motions of living. but it just didn't seem as if it was his life. HIS life.
"Argh, it's hopeless, I'm hopeless!" he cried out to no-one.
Paul awoke at first light in his cubicle at the Temple. Softly he smiled knowing he'd bring salvation to some lost soul this day. Never a day went by that there was no soul needing salvation. Paul was a member of the Catholic contingent at the Temple. It was his duty to man the Confessional which was truly the only place left for salvation.
John pulled his face from his hands where he'd buried it while sobbing. He was alone, and a pervert. It was a sin punishable by stoning to have carnal knowledge of another man, let alone a boy. There was no hope for finding another woman like Teresa for companionship. After taking power 10 years ago the Elders of the Temple had decreed that women could only marry Elders of the True Faiths.
John in his desperation decided there was only one thing to do. go to the Confessional. He understood the finality of that decision, but what other choice did he have. Existence without a minimal of companionship would be unbearable. Those men younger than he that had never known what cohabitation was maybe never missed it. Though Teresa was not a man, at least he had not been alone, and when needing comfort her warm skin against his was still comforting.
He dragged himself from his bed and headed to the shower. Even walking seemed so surreal. He wondered to himself if this is what a death row inmate felt when walking that last mile. The warmth of the water flowing over his body seemed more than cleansing, as if it was washing away his worries and his ties to this earth. Strangely he felt his cock start to harden and the words from a 20th century song entered his mind. "This may be the last time." And he gently started to stroke his manhood and images of his youth and the first boy he loved entered his consciousness. Thoughts of that love washed over him and he came with such ferocity he could barely stand.
Paul approached the Confessional. Before he could start his day's work he had to make sure everything was in order and working. The Confessional was for forgiveness, not an instrument of torture. It was for alleviating the suffering of the transgressors, not for punishing them. First was checking the vacuum seals, on the front and back doors as well as the small opening into his compartment. Next it was refilling of the supply of nitrogen gas.
The concept was simple and painless, fill the chamber with nitrogen, a few seconds later and the confessor is unconscious, a few minutes and their soul is free. Of course not all sins mandated freeing the soul, but the equipment had to be ready just in case. Paul next checked the evacuation pumps, and finally the sensors that could detect the faintest heartbeat.
John hesitated at the Temple door. Turning he looked back on the city and then up to the sky. It was a beautiful day, a few billowy clouds scattered amongst the blue. It tugged at his heart that the world could be both beautiful and ugly at the same time. The Creator had done his part, why couldn't man. The beauty that God had created filled him with such warmth; he knew that could only be love. How then could man and specifically so-called men of God be so empty of love?
He turned back toward the Temple. No point in dawdling, nothing would change. Grasping to his heart the warmth he felt thinking on his Creator, he pushed forward, entering the vestibule. Soon now he'd be with God, and perhaps he'd be with Teresa again. He wondered if his feelings for men, more specifically boys, would cross over with him. He prayed silently that if that were so, then at least it would be accepted in Heaven. But the thought hit him. if the teachings were true, then either he'd be forgiven, he'd no longer bear those thoughts, or he'd be condemned to Hell for an eternity.
Hesitating a second, John pulled upon that warmth again resolving to see this through. If he didn't he knew he'd lose what semblance of love remained in him, and he'd forever be lost. Looking up he peered at the sign above the Confessional, it displayed "Now Serving Confessor 032".
John walked over to the ticket dispensing machine, and was surprised to get number "033". At first the thought had hit him that he'd have an agonizing wait. Now he realized he had perhaps no time at all. As what seemed like thousands of thoughts and images raced through his head, a gentle tone sounded and the sign changed to "Now Serving Confessor 033". John noticed no-one had exited the Confessional. But he also realized he'd not heard any scuffling or screaming, just the sounds of religious music in the distance.
Standing by himself in near shock. shock at what he's about to do. 2 Brothers approached him and each gently placed a hand on one of his arms. Slowly and gently they guided him towards the now open door to the Confessional. John barely noticed the reassurances they uttered as he came closer and closer to what now appeared to be a chasm. His thoughts came hurtling at him from all sides. Maybe he'd made a mistake. maybe he'd find peace. maybe he'd find love. just maybe he'd find salvation. He didn't want to die, but he also didn't want to live, not without love, and not alone.
As much as John felt a compulsion to run, to escape, there was something keeping him here. It was the warmth he'd felt from his Creator. It was a love he felt down to his soul. How this could be he didn't understand, but something, like an inner voice, urged him forward. With a final surrender to his Creator's Will, he entered the Confessional and heard the door close with a `whoosh'.
After a few seconds passed, that seemed like milliseconds, John heard a voice say "I am Father Paul, and I will hear your confession". After another few seconds John replied "Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I have impure thoughts regarding young men. well boys. and no matter how I try, I cannot overcome them."
After a pause John continued "Father, I've never acted on these compulsions, even when I was young. But they have been with me all my life and now I'm struggling so hard that I fear I will finally act." Again after a pause, "I went so far in my denial as to marry a woman, though I did love her and did remain faithful. But now I can't deny that I am gay, and my true nature is that of a man that wants desperately to feel the love of another man. well, of a boy."
John went silent and waited for Father Paul's condemnation. After a few more seconds, Father Paul, clearing his throat said, "Son, in the eyes of the True Faiths this is a true abomination, even though you never acted on it, just the thought is unforgivable by man. It is beyond my Earthly bounds to pass judgment for only God Himself can sit in Judgment of you." Father Paul went silent and then John heard another `whoosh' as the small opening between compartments sealed.
Seconds later on pure instinct, John started reciting "Hail Mary, full of grace." and then heard the hiss of gas being released into his chamber. He'd barely uttered "now at the hour of our death." when all went black.
Paul thought to himself "Another poor lost soul brought to salvation". Then he pushed the button that summoned the Brothers of the Order, they would take over from this point, so he rose and exited the Confessional.
John felt as if he was floating, detached from his body. In the distance he could hear the beautiful voices of a choir. a boys' choir. It reminded him of the years ago when he was in Vienna with Teresa and they'd heard those cherubic young men sing as if they were angels. Suddenly it came back to him what he'd just done. He'd gone to the Confessional. He thought it odd that he still had Earthly thoughts, but never having experienced this before he guessed he hadn't a clue what he was supposed to think. or do.
The blackness started to slowly lift and it seemed John was becoming aware of existing in a physical form. Again he thought it odd, but he was feeling dizzy and even a bit nauseous. He was thinking that one should be cured of such feelings in the afterlife. or could it be that he was in Hell, and he'd feel this way for an eternity, and. and have to be tortured forever listening to those disembodied angelic voices singing, never to gaze upon a beautiful boy again.
He then became aware of a gentle weight against his arm, warm and comforting, soft as if a woman's hand. John slowly opened his eyes, but the light was so bright it nearly blinded him. Appearing slowly, as through some dispersing mist, a soft angelic face smiled beamingly down into his eyes. Then suddenly the expression changed to one of excitement and he heard an angelic voice exclaim "He's waking, he's waking!" John was so startled. This was the most beautiful boy he'd ever seen. Surely he must be in Heaven.
Well that is it for Chapter 1. The idea came to me a few hours ago reflecting on my own life. I almost stopped with Paul leaving the Confessional but there is much potential with where I can take this. Also, I'm finding that this story could be a catharsis for me, that through the telling I expose myself and come to terms with the person I am. and just maybe help another lost soul avoid some of the mistakes I made.
Oh, fan mail would be greatly appreciated: ftl33062@live.com