The Deepest Cut

The Deepest Cut 2

Sunday was the longest day I have ever had, after doing the cleaning I sat at the kitchen table just waiting for nightfall. Six hours to go and I needed to be busy so I threw some shorts on and started a run, that should take up two hours. Up around the park through the main street shopping center then up past the hospital where I stopped to catch my breath. I leaned back and stretched, there was someone familiar across the road, I blinked, it was Jay and he was standing at the bus stop and looking my way. I waved but he ignored me then stepped onto the bus, he looked the other way. Fucked if I know what's going on there, I think he saw me but maybe not.

I was so nervous when I got to the venue, I ordered a drink and sat on the stage as I was a little early, the boys were dancing and were the same ones as the other night, they had nothing on my guy. The lights went down and the stage lit up then James came on in the skimpiest pair of briefs, I've never seen the likes of them before. He must have them made, I so wanted to know how to sew at that very moment. He was on the pole again and it rubbed on his ass crack as he slipped up and down it, he had painted a black mask across his eyes. I didn't realize I had let go for a moment I felt a tear dribble down my face, but he was magnificent, so graceful, so fucking awesome. He didn't look my way but I knew he knew I was watching, when the applause died down I willed myself to move, almost running out to the back alley, I waited and waited for him to exit the venue, the anticipation hurt like hell.

He finally came out bag slung across his shoulder; he had washed the paint off his face but still had a mask on.

"James please can we talk?"

He looked me up and down and kept walking so I ran up to him.

"I'm sorry, I used the wrong words, I apologize please can I walk you to the station? I really am sorry." He stopped and said,

"Ben go home, I'm not what you think I am." I stood there and thought about what he said, he knows me, he knows my real name, oh, he's moving down the street.

"James please wait, stop, I have to talk to you." He turned once more, no mask this time and he had taken his cap off.

"Jay, oh my God, Jay, holy fucking shit." My hands went to my head and I walked around in circles, of course he's Jay, fuck me. I became aware that I was alone, he had gone like the Black Knight, he just disappeared.

Fucking hell, bloody hell Jay, this is so awesome. I ran swiftly to the station but he wasn't there, he had gone. I walked up and down until I had to sit down, my legs hammered the concrete as I looked across to the other deserted platform.

`Are you stalking me?" I jumped; he was standing not more than ten feet away behind a pylon.

"Jay I'm sorry, I didn't know it was you."

"So you want to fuck James but not me?"

"No I want to fuck you, no stop that. I just want to get to know you, please can we start again?"

"I don't fuck." It was a statement I had heard him say before but maybe, just maybe he might at least be my friend.

"Good because I would rather us date first."

"I don't date guys."

It dawned on me, he's straight, the guy at the bar had told me he thought he was straight. My head dropped and my heart sank again some tears leaked from my eyes.

"I'm sorry Jay I didn't think. I thought because you danced so beautifully you were gay, sorry I assumed too much." I felt my face blush.

"Why are you crying?" By this time he had sat down on the bench next to me.

"I'm not... well... I am but oh shit I don't know maybe my heart broke a little. Why are you dancing in a gay club?"

I wanted to know I wanted to know everything about him.

"I need the money, it pays well," he said.

"But you get good money from the club and why do you catch public transport while I'm at it?"

"Because I need that money for something else, something really important. I live on what I earn dancing, hence the masks, I am getting to be well known at the club and this game of trivia I can do without."

"But why?"

"I can't tell you but why are you in the club? With your ego I thought definitely straight. I nearly fell off that pole the other night, I hope the guy next to you was okay." He smiled and it shone in my eyes, my heart sank again. I could feel the heat coming off his body, more tears, I'm hooked, I'm fucked.

"Because I'm gay and I am so desperate for someone in my life I went there. I had a boyfriend but he left after a few years and I am so lonely but when I saw you dance some of my hurt went away. I wanted you so badly. I'm sorry I'm usually not a rude prick, it's just for show, normally I'm just a regular guy who likes guys."

"Oh that explains it then, well my trains coming have a good night. Why don't you go back to the club and pick up a fuck for the night?" I was horrified at his suggestion so I just said,

"No I won't go back there again. There's nothing there for me, goodnight Jay, see you tomorrow."

"Goodnight Ben, be safe."

He walked to the edge of the platform with his jeans so tight and then he turned to me.

"If I did fuck Ben I would fuck with you no question." He smiled.

I tried to smile back and as he alighted the train my tears began flowing. I don't know how long I sat there for but it was long after the last train left and then I slowly walked home, bawling like a lost kid.

I crawled into bed with an obsession I had to lose for the sake of my sanity. I had no problem at all that Jay knew I was gay, he won't spread it around the club, I know he just won't, he's that type of man. I assume too much; maybe he's a prick like some of the others. Sleep came easy because there was nothing more to think about, my beautiful dancer James gone into the archives of my mind and Jay will haunt me at the club at every turn.

Today was photo shoot day and we all dressed in our club uniforms to have a team photo taken on the oval. I saw Jay come in and look my way but he ignored me. I nodded but that was it, that was all, the photographer took quite a few photos and then he pulled Jay out to have some single shots done of him for the club website. I think he's now officially one of the senior players. He was special my Jay, I should really try to get to know him better but I hurt, I hurt all the time and I don't need to add to it. I went and showered, the water was hot and I leant my forehead on the cool tiles and just stood there for a moment, I only needed a moment then I was back to me again.

I was sort of listening to the guys in the other cubicles and they were talking about Jay and said something about the piece about him in the paper this morning. He was gone when I exited the clubrooms but I noticed John had someone in his car with him and Jay wasn't at the bus stop. I don't buy papers but I will today, I didn't know which one so I bought all three.

Sitting on my small balcony I flipped through the sports section while I sipped my coffee but there was nothing about him anywhere so I started looking at each page and still came up with nothing. Putting the papers aside I thought they might have meant the Sydney papers but I wasn't going to the shops again.

A thought came to my brain as I looked at the entertainment section lift out. I opened it and there he was in his tights and tank doing some sort of pose for the camera, it was a small piece that said, 'Rising star to appear in William Alexander's production of Billy Elliott.' It went on to say, 'Aspiring Melbourne football player Jay Denver to appear in the Little Light Theatre's production of Billy Elliott starting next month. We expect big things from this dancer on stage after his successful season with the theatre's production of Mack and Mable where he blew the audience away with his solo dance. How he combines his football duties with the company only he knows but this reporter says he is awesome with both hats on.'

I was stunned and wanted to know more about this fantasy boy so I flipped the switch on my laptop and did a search. He was mentioned on a few sites; mainly football ones but something interesting that caught my eye again was a write up by one newshound about him.

Titled, 'Rising star in fatal accident.'

It said, 'Local football identity Jay Denver last night was airlifted to hospital along with a friend to the Alfred hospital after a fatal accident on the Monash freeway. Denver suffered minor cuts and scrapes and was released shortly after treatment for his injuries. His driver who I believe is his best friend is still in a coma and is not expected to survive, he has multiple injuries as a result of taking the full force of the impact. The driver of the other car died at the scene. Police say that the driver swerved to miss a dog on the busy freeway and ran head on into Mr. Denver's car causing serious injury to the occupant.'

That was it, no more on the subject, that would explain no car but the accident happened three months ago so surely the insurance has been paid out but maybe there's an ongoing investigation. I can't ask Jay I have to stay cool.

I then booked one ticket to the production of Billy Elliott, if nothing else I will get to see him dance. I remember the movie, Pete watched it a few times, maybe Jay is playing the adult Billy because the kid was only young throughout the movie until the last fifteen minutes I think but sometimes these small productions move things around, like try a different approach, I guess I should know all this as my mum and dad are heavily involved with the arts.

I didn't speak to Jay the following week, he seemed so distant, again I kicked myself for being so blunt and I decided that maybe he was also a deep thinker, something I haven't allowed myself to do in a long time. I wanted to know if his mate survived the accident but I didn't know how to approach the subject with him, let alone other subjects I wanted to talk about. I figured he was a loner after he declined a few invitations to party with the boys and by the conversation I overheard in the showers I figured that some of the guys knew about his other career.

Game day was a big one and he managed to get the ball to me around eight times, two of them I converted to goals but I was distracted all through the game. I had gone to have a leak in the change room before the game and there was Jay sitting alone on one of the benches his head in his hands, he looked down and was not really with us. I took the bull by the horns and said,

"What's up mate, can I help in anyway?"

"Nothing Ben just things get on top of me sometimes, it becomes overpowering, I'm psyching myself into match mode that's all.'

"Okay mate but if there's anything I can do just holler." I stood up to go take my leak.

"Ben, can I talk to you sometime I think I really need to, it's okay if you don't want to but I need to tell you something."

"Sure buddy anytime, when is a good time?"

"No time is a good time, can you come to the venue tonight?"

"Of course I can, I didn't think you wanted me there so I've stayed away but sure I can come." My heart skipped a beat.

"Okay I will see you around ten and Ben I like you being there, I feel safer. I have missed you this past week."

He got up and walked out to the change rooms leaving me standing there with a stunned look on my face.

The game was lost by a few points, my fuck up and my responsibility but I wasn't the only one having an off day, the others were all over the place and the opposing team ran rings around us, we are going to get a brow beating after this game, more shit to deal with.

The tickets to Jay's concert had arrived and I scored third from the front, maybe they recognized my name, maybe not but it afforded me special treatment wherever I went.

And tonight I get to see him dance just for me, well that's the way I see it anyway.

I was early and pumped to see him do his grind, and had brought along my car I ordered a cola, the barman recognized me and word slowly got out that Ben Chambers was in the house so I pulled my cap down further. There were so many guys looking at me that it was scary and scarier when they hit on me. I decided that this wasn't the way to go, I was here to see Jay, luckily the music died down and he came on stage. He had the tights on tonight and went through a routine that only a strict dancer would know how to do, it was awesome and he didn't lose the tights tonight, he just showcased his dancing. He saw me in my usual spot and smiled, his mask was the painted stripe again and he was beautiful.

Halfway through his routine a good looking guy handed me a drink, I was polite and put it on the stage next to me but I didn't drink it and I didn't get into a conversation with him either. Jay was on stage and he was dancing just for me. The guy had left my side when it finished so I made my way out the front, my ass black and blue from being pinched again, why do idiots do that? I would much rather rub my hand over a nice ass pinching gets you nothing.

Waiting by the back door I glimpsed him moving in that dull lighting, I fell in love again and I wanted to know him so badly, I nearly hugged him but held off because if I did my hands would be all over that ass.

"What a fantastic routine tonight Jay, everyone was gob smacked including me, it was awesome you do have some talent kid." I blushed maybe I went overboard cause he said nothing.

"Walk me to my train."

"I can drive you home, I brought the car tonight."

"Okay that would be great, it's only a few stations. I should run but I'm so stuffed after performing so the train is a better option." He smiled at me again.

I could smell his sweat, it was sweet but licking it off his body wasn't an option but I so wanted to do that. After a ten-minute drive I pulled into an apartment complex, he hadn't said a word on the way except for directions.

"Can I ask you something Ben?"

"Sure you can Jay, anything." My heart skipped.

"Will you come with me to the Alfred hospital on Tuesday and drive me home, there's something I need to do and I don't think I will be able to cope with the buses and trains?" He was being very mysterious but I said of course I would, no argument.

"What's this about Jay?"

"I have a friend in there and they are turning off his life support Tuesday, there's nothing else they can do for him, I just need someone there for support I think I'm going to need it." I saw tears.

"Oh Jay the accident, how awful for you both, that's just terrible, of course I will be there with you, of course, what do you need me to do?" Tears formed in my eyes but they were running down Jay's face when he looked at me and said,

"Please Ben, just be there. Could you pick me up here around nine and thank you?" He opened the car and as if he had an afterthought he leaned over and kissed my cheek.

I drove home thinking about Tuesday, he's going to need all the support he can get and I am going to be the one to do it. Apart from the fact I am already head over heels in love with him no one should go through a thing like this alone and it doesn't matter if he wants me for an hour or a year, I will help.

When I had time I thought I would go and talk to the coach to maybe try and ease Jay's workload next week but I changed my mind because I really felt it's Jay's business not the coaches, not mine, this is so private.

The next few days the club had us training flat out, it was our punishment for losing the game, we were all treated as rookies and my legs were so sore after the first night. I soaked in the bath for ages when I got home, even falling asleep and waking to a cold tub. I didn't rub one out that night because I was too stuffed.

I picked him up at nine on Tuesday and he was already waiting out the front of his flat. I could see his red eyes and he looked like he hadn't slept all night, opening the door for him I got him belted up then went and sat in the drivers seat, I looked over at him and said,

"Are you sure you want to be there Jay?"

"Yes Ben, I have to be there for him there's no one else. I don't want to do this but I have to. I have to hold his hand and I have to say goodbye.

I wish I didn't have to do any of that but they are waiting for his organs, at least six other people will benefit from his death but Ben I don't want him to die. I want him to wake up and smile at me again." He was weeping into the jacket he was holding and it was muffling his voice so that he sounded like a frightened little kid and he shook. He shook so much the car gently rocked, a deep guttural sobbing.

I pulled him over and stroked his hair and he cried into my shoulder.

"Cry it all out baby, we are early so get it out before we go, everything is going to be all right. There will be no more pain Jay, his pain will leave, focus on the good times mate, just focus on the future because there's nothing you can do about the past, it's out of your hands," I whispered all this into his ear as he sobbed.

"He died in the accident, a machine has kept him alive Ben, and he died nearly four months ago. I should be well and truly over it but it hurts more than ever. Justin was a beautiful man and I don't want him to go away, I want him here with me." He started to wipe his eyes with his hands so I reached over to the back floor and grabbed a box of tissues; he took a handful and cleaned his nose and face.

"Oh God Ben I'm a mess, this is so fucking hard, I'm sorry I dragged you into it but I didn't think I would react like this. I am sorry, just drop me off cause I can go it alone, I think the worst of it is over." He sniffled.

"Yeah right like I would abandon you today Jay, not happening mate."

I started the car and began the journey to the hospital, I felt so fucking useless and I also felt disgusted with myself after all Pete only left me. If I tried really hard I could see him again, poor Jay can't ever talk to his mate let alone see him again. Step up Ben, step up to the plate, you love him but you really don't know him, he's a body in your life but I swear to God he's going to become my friend in the future and I am never going out of his life no matter what he throws at me.

As expected there was no one around the little waiting room as I paced back and forth waiting for Jay, he could take as long as he liked with Justin, I will wait for that beautiful boy to re-appear and hopefully try to heal his heartbreak. He was in there for an hour and when he re-appeared he had a small bag of Justin's property in his hand. He was a mess and he cried on my shoulder for ages. I held him near and let him go for it, there was nothing more I could do for him except be there.

Pulling himself together he smiled at me and said,

"Thank you Ben, thank you for driving me and thank you for being here, as you can see I couldn't do this on my own and you're the closest thing to a friend I have so thank you."

"Well I am glad you asked me to be here, it's a terrible thing to have to go through this on your own and thank you for asking me. I couldn't think of a better place to be."

I steered him to a lounge seat and we sat down, he pulled more tissues out of a box that was on the table.

"Six people will go on living full and healthy lives because of Justin's death, I am so proud of him. He became a donor after his mum's death two years ago."

"That's a wonderful thing to do Jay, is he going to be cremated?"

"Yes Ben, the funeral home will ring me when he's ready to come home then I have to scatter them in a place of my choosing." His head bowed.

"All right Jay, do you want a coffee or do you want to go home?"

"Home I think, I will make us coffee there, sorry Ben do you have to be anywhere?"

"No Jay and coffee at your place would be just fine."

We strolled down to the car and he had quieted down a bit but looked very reflective and once every now and then I would hear a deep sob. The drive home once again was quiet, we pulled into his parking bay and he led me to his apartment. It was a pretty similar setup to mine but smaller, hardly any furniture just a big room and the walls were filled with the most beautiful photographs of Jay dancing, I breathed out at the pure beauty of them. Of course I couldn't say anything but Jay was just gorgeous in those poses. I wanted one for my wall and while he was in the bathroom I took my phone out and snapped a couple of them, hopefully I can get at least one of them copied.

"Justin did them for me, he was a photographer." Jay had moved into the room.

"They are absolutely brilliant Jay, you are fucking stunning and he captured your essence perfectly." He moved over to a sideboard and opened the drawer then handed me two photographs.

"My thanks for driving me today."

They were copies of the ones I just snapped.

"Thank you Jay, thank you." I carefully put them into my backpack.

"Now coffee." He moved to the small kitchen while I looked at the photos on the other wall, I am guessing that's Justin he's a babe. I moved to a small group and that's when my tears arrived, that deep stab in the heart that emptiness came back with a vengeance. The photos were of a wedding, Justin and Jay's. They looked the perfect couple and the one where they were kissing helped that knife move deeper, I didn't know and he lied to me. I moved away from the wall and tried to pull myself together, Jay came to me and put his hand on my shoulder then he said very quietly,

"Ben please listen to me. I don't fuck because it's crass, I make love, and I don't date guys Ben, Justin was my life. I don't cheat, period."

"So you are gay?"

"Yes Ben but you didn't ask me that, you just told me you wanted to fuck me and as I just said I don't fuck. Now wipe your eyes and let's have coffee." I understood after the realization hit me he had just watched the love of his life, his husband die basically in his arms. I'm just a selfish prick wanting him for myself, a total insensitive prick.

"I'm sorry Jay, I didn't know. I'm so insensitive at times; of course Justin was your man. I can only imagine what you are feeling inside at the moment." I dropped my head in shame.

"Ben it's okay, I have had four months warning to get to today. I loved him with all my heart and he loved me but this terrible accident has changed my world and I sometimes think there's much happiness to be had in the future as you said, but not now, the sadness has to come first."

I hardly said anything as we sat at his table. I didn't have to, he was just as upset as me but for different reasons, this is nearly killing him inside and all I wanted to do was fuck him, I felt so low.

"Jay can I ask you something?"

"Yes Ben."

"I am guessing you had a car, was it insured?"

"Ben, yes we had a car and it was insured but they won't pay it out to me as it was in Justin's name. I just haven't had the time or inclination to fight with the insurance company." He sighed.

"I will try again tomorrow but there are more important things in my life." He stood up and went into his bedroom and when he returned he had a pair of dance sweats on, he pushed the sofa aside and said,

"Do you mind, just for a few minutes."

"No Jay of course not."

He put on a CD and assumed his position, his dance was slow, sad and heart wrenching, it went with the down beat music perfectly, he was perfect. A lone figure with tears dripping down his face, he was in his own little world, my sorrow matched his and when the music stopped he stood posed then turned the music down. He came back and took my hand.

"Ben if I was single I would be with you in a moment. I think you're not as hard core as you make out because I see the softness in you every time I look in your beautiful eyes. Justin got me back into dancing three years ago. I had danced all my younger life but had given it up until I met him, he worked hard to pay for my lessons and I concentrated on my football and my dancing. If you look at them as one they are very similar. I have watched how graceful you are when you kick goals you have the graceful gene in you. I have done some amateur theatre and the show in three weeks is the biggest one yet." He lifted my hand and kissed it.

"Dancing in the club gives me a different experience with crowds and each dance you have seen I do in Billy Elliott so I am rehearsing when I am on stage there. I will give it up in a few months when my agent negotiates my wages with the club but in the meantime I need it to live. Justin's job was good to him, he paid the rent here and he paid my tuition. When the accident happened and I went through his papers he was in more debt than he told me. I'll get more money from the show but it won't be enough for the rent here. The car insurance will help getting that debt cleared but alas they are pretty much against gay partnerships. The reason I am telling you this is I have no one else to tell and I trust you to keep my secrets. I am deep in debt otherwise I wouldn't be dancing at the club." He smiled.

"Thank you Jay, my angry moods are the result of being dumped by someone I loved. I tried so hard to please him for so long but it wasn't enough, he's now with someone who will break his heart and I can't help him because I can't find him. Until you came along I was a shell but boy when I saw you dance that first night I thought all my dreams had come true. I'm sorry I used those words but I was horny and angry but not with you, never you." I pushed his hair out of his eyes, they were green and so sad.

"What's next Jay?"

"I don't know, I'm club dancing this week and have a mean schedule at the theatre and there's training but I will get it done." He sort of smiled.

"Well let me take care of the insurance company. I will get my accountant onto it first thing then we can talk about how we get you out of the shit with the bills. This is only a suggestion Jay but if it does get too much you maybe could move in with me. I own my place so there's no rent but I get that you might want to stay here."

"Thank you Ben but I'm not ready to move on just yet but if you could do the insurance I will be forever grateful. With all that's been going on I just can't get my head around it. I am sick to death of arguing with people on the phone."

"It's okay Jay, just try to heal yourself and we can talk some more tomorrow, do you want me to stay the night?"

"No Ben, I think I want some time on my own but from the bottom of my heart I humbly thank you."

"Okay I will be going then. I've got a radio interview to do in the morning, and I will see you at training." I kissed his hand. He collected what he had on the car insurance and I put them in my pack with two precious photos.

He showed me out and kissed my cheek then closed the door. I leant on the wall clutching my heart and when I heard the music I knew he was dancing for his lost lover and I knew I was dead cold again. I waited until the music finished then I heard his sobbing, rubbing the tears from my face I went down to my car.