The Deepest Cut

6 The Deepest Cut

I sat in the front row in anticipation of my boy's entrance, the overture seemed to go on forever and when the curtains opened I gasped at the beauty that was Jay. He had a pair of angel wings attached to his arms and was perfection plus as the crowd went crazy. He lifted himself up that pole and his wings unfolded into full length Condor ones that enveloped his body while he did a new routine.

They must have been working on that scene for weeks because Jay was heartbreakingly beautiful as he sailed through that cameo. I was so sad when the lights went down, my angel was lying on the floor broken from his fall and he was weeping into his snow-white wings. He got a thunderous standing ovation so much so they had suspended the real opening scene for a further ten minutes, Jay bowed and stretched numerous times and he winked at me when he blew hand kisses.

At interval I wanted so much to see him and tried my best to go backstage but I wasn't allowed, not even my name afforded me that backstage pass. I stood there thinking of ways to get by security but thought better of it.

I talked to a couple of teammates while I waited for the bells when Chris walked by and said something really fucking ugly about Jay. My arm shot out and I grabbed his throat instantly and marched him at arms length backwards past the shocked crowd. I took him outside and his face was full of panic and dread. This will teach him to keep his lousy mouth shut. I placed him up against the theatre wall then got into his ugly face. I warned him to back off and told him if I ever heard him say another word about Jay I would knock his fucking block into next year.

Of course I was arrested and carted off like a petty criminal but before they handcuffed me I slagged in Pete's face, he was out seeing what happened to his charming boyfriend. I was locked up for a couple of hours, no charges as I had swung a big story about Chris insulting my girlfriend and I wasn't going to stand for it. The cops were pretty sympathetic plus I must have signed a hundred photos of me and told a few stories about some of the players.

Chris didn't press charges. I think he was still trying to get the crap out of his pants, but one of the cops said Chris was well known to them. He didn't elaborate when I asked about his comment. A very sheepish me was met by an extremely tired Jay at the lockup counter. I collected my things then signed a piece of paper and was marched out to the car.

Jay sat there for a while, I suppose he was waiting for an explanation but I wasn't going to give him one so I bowed my head and said,

"You were awesome Jay, that angel dance was so beautiful I cried, thank you."

"That's okay Ben, it was created just for you," he sighed and I guess had decided to let me off the hook, he started the car and drove us home.

Inside the apartment I made coffee and we sat, neither of us talking much, and I was dogged tired too, so we went to bed leaving our half empty cups on the table. We stripped and got under the covers and I pulled Jay into me and kissed his forehead. He didn't say anything but before I knew it I was asleep, it had been a big night for both of us.

I dreamt of angels and wings that were enveloping me in a state of perfect bliss and when I woke I was in Jay's arms and he was kissing my neck with tiny breaths that ran a chill up my spine.

"I love you," he whispered. I answered by moving my ass closer to his body. Well I was cold, I think.

I washed up last night's cups before I started on breakfast, he had his arms around my waist and was marching back and forth with me, he wasn't going to let me go so I stopped midway and dropped my head.

"He said something really awful about you; I didn't like it." I surrendered, he pulled me tighter and breathed out heavily.

"What did he say?" I took my time to answer but I must be truthful so I said,

"He said you looked awesome but couldn't dance for nuts."

I waited for the shaking to start and it did eventually, and when he spun me around he was laughing his ass off so much he did have tears. I was hurt and pulled him in to kiss him so he would stop.

"You fucking kill me sometimes Ben, that was so fucking funny." Then he kissed me again.

I wasn't going to tell him what Chris really said because it was so disgusting and it did what it was designed to do. It hurt me and I couldn't let Jay see that hurt, not now that he was riding on a successful show.

The first of the flowers arrived around nine thirty and I put them in a vase, then the next and by the next time I had run out of vases so we found an ice bucket and filled it up. The place smelt really overpowering and by lunchtime I had to take Jay out for lunch, but before we left we opened all the windows. The flowers were from the producers of the show and most of his teammates, but before we left he went to his bag and pulled out a CD.

"For you mate."

"What is it?"

"My angel dance, it was danced for you alone." He kissed my lips.

I couldn't wait to watch it and I wished now that our place didn't stink of floral arrangements cause I wanted to watch it straight away. But my angel needs to eat, and the restaurant is waiting on our booking to be filled, so we drove down to St. Kilda, to a seafood restaurant I was familiar with.

I had eaten here with Pete on several occasions. I knew the waiters by name and they always made us feel so welcome. I was a bit hesitant bringing Jay here but when he said he loved seafood I dismissed my doubts. There wasn't anything to worry about because George our waiter treated Jay with the utmost respect. He had known Pete and I were a couple but he also knew we had broken up because Pete had told him.

He congratulated Jay on his amazing role in Billy Elliott and told him he and his friend had seen it three times and just loved it. Jay was blushing, as it was getting a bit over the top, but George didn't notice so I chipped in and said,

"Could we eat today George, I'm a bit hungry?" He apologized and ran off to the kitchen, we had a laugh.

Jay took my hand and looked me in the eye.

"Thank you for sticking up for me Ben but you really don't have to, you know, I can look after myself."

"I do have to and I won't stop doing it, so move on, end of story." I smiled.

When we got home our bellies were very full and all we wanted to do was sleep. There were four more bunches of flowers on the doorstep but we couldn't stand the scents so everything was duly dumped on the balcony turning it into a huge flowery planter box. It looked nice as I closed the door on them. We stripped and got in and Jay pulled me to his shoulder this time and stroked my back while I went to sleep holding his ample balls in my hand.

`Jay fell heavily from the pole and it was the worst feeling I've ever felt in my life. Time stopped for me as I watched him crash to the floor; his lifeless body twisted in a misshapen ball. I sat in my seat and nothing was heard. My friend lay as if dead, with screams coming from all around me. His music played on as the curtains closed, shutting me off from his angelic body.

I gained some reality as I crashed my way through the crowd, mounted the stage and rushing further forward to toss the curtains aside; so I could gaze on his face one more time. There was a crowd of actors and a couple of medicos by his side; his body was lifeless as I looked into his pale face. There was screaming coming from the theatre, a deep howling noise, I couldn't shut up; it was me. Control wasn't on my agenda, but a complete shutdown was.

I was in the hospital and alone,and just for a nano second, I didn't have a care in the world. Reality wasn't my friend and it hit me full blast as I tore away at the tube that hindered my freedom to move about. I sat up feeling really dizzy and pushed the nurse's button I had been holding. A man came in with the nurse and tried to calm me down. I was babbling on about Jay, I wanted to know where he was. I wanted to die with him in my arms, he will be so cold without my warmth and I had to get to him. The doctor gave me a shot then he shone a torch into my eyes. I didn't want him to see the total insaneness in them, the reality of me being on the verge of death. Jay, my angel, I'm coming; Ben will be there soon, please wait for me, please.

"He's in a coma Mr. Chambers and its touch and go for the next few days. He has a broken leg and a huge bump on the head and we can't stimulate him enough to wake him up, so the prognosis is, he is brain dead. I put my fist into my mouth to stop the scream that roared out of my guts. Jay wait for me, I begged him to wait for me.

He did wait, he took my hand and walked me to a park bench, then he danced for me. My angel danced beautifully in the sunshine. His smile, a beacon for my eyes, to covet his whole being and his wings were huge; they were the whitest feathers I have ever seen and they opened to an unimaginable height. My Jay was naked as he flew into the sky; he was laughing his head off.

"Ben, Ben are you happy now?" he was screaming, then he fell, he fell at my feet, his beautiful feathers were broken and strewn all around him and he was lifeless.'

"Wake up, Ben, wake up," I could hear his voice.

"Ben, please wake up," he screamed as my eyes shot open. I was shaking; in fact the whole bed was shaking. Jay had me in a vice hold. My head suddenly moved and I was face to face with my angel, I let out a moan and jumped up.

"You're not dead, you're not dead." I embraced Jay then looked into his eyes.

"Of course I'm not dead Ben. Wow, that must have been some nightmare; come here babe." He held out his arms for me to fly into and I saw wings filling the bedroom; I didn't want him to die.

"Don't die on me Jay, please be with me. I will keep you warm, I will be good." I pleaded as I fell into his arms sobbing.

"Ben it's a nightmare, you're having a nightmare, Jay's here, he's alive and he's here with you."

I must have fallen off to asleep because when my eyes snapped open again Jay was beside me, stroking my face; he had tears in his eyes.

"Jay, are you alright?"

"Yes Ben, are you, more the point?"

Then I remembered something important.

"Jay don't dance the angel dance again, please don't dance it." My sobbing restarted. What the fuck is wrong with me? All of a sudden I felt sick and as I threw back the bed cover. I ran for the bathroom, spew started erupting from my mouth, so I put my hand over it and dived for the toilet. I tasted and smelt fish, horrible fishy stuff. Fucking food poisoning, no wonder the nightmare felt real and its memory still hasn't left me. I remember everything that happened and I do know my angel can't dance that dance again, ever.

I felt like I had a hangover when I woke up, and when I slipped out of bed, the following afternoon I had to rush to the toilet again. I was dressed in shorts and tank, earlier the doctor had given me a jab that settled my tummy down a little, so at least it stopped me running to the toilet every five minutes. It was coming out both ends and my bum was sore. I was hungry, but that fish taste hadn't left. I suppose I had better let nature take its course. Jay was sitting at the kitchen table with his leg draped across the chair beside him; his balls on show to all and sundry. I could have stayed by the bedroom door forever but I sat at the end of the table so I could get a closer look at his black bushy pubes and pink globes.

We had stopped at the local shops to buy all the newspapers in triplicate; I wanted to see what the critics said and to see if anything was said about that argument and me. But, unfortunately, sleepiness overcame me before I could look at them. Jay folded the relevant pages and left them for me to read later. I picked up the one on top and read on. There was plenty said about the show and Jay featured along with Cory, Max and Henry, the other feature dancers, and there was no mention of any trouble.

Jay's angel dance was mentioned as one of the best free dance solos the writer had ever seen. I like this writer already. He had gone to shower as I suppose he doesn't like being perved on. I read more and decided; although the angel dance was perfection, I wouldn't allow him to perform it again. Jay came out in his dressing gown, he straddled me and as he sat he opened it wrapping me into his naked body. I think he had other things on his mind than accolades because he lifted up and placed his bum directly on my cock. Now you're talking, he had greased up, my head popped into him sleekly.

He started moving up and down, I couldn't do anything but breathe heavily and wished this could go on forever. He turned me on completely and I came in an urgent rush. Jay had decided to lose the condoms; he knew I used them with Pete only because I didn't trust him. It was just bliss feeling him like this, naked thrusts doing great things to my cock, as it explored his insides thoroughly and my babies greased his walls as if to claim this body for their very own.

His cum was all down my chest and later while I showered he made coffee and was watching the news when I returned.

"Great reviews Jay, I can't wait to watch the DVD. I'm feeling a bit better now; that sleep sure was welcome."

"Well Ben thank you for the lovemaking, I was hanging out for it for awhile." he giggled.

"Umm Jay your hanging out for awhile was wonderful and I thank you, my dick thanks you too." I smiled as I kissed his head.

"As long as you're happy Ben that's all that counts, as long as you're happy." I thought that was a strange way of saying things so I corrected him.

"No my feelings don't come into it, it's as long as you are happy that counts Jay."

"My feelings feed off your happiness Ben, so yes, I do count on you being happy."

I was a bit confused so I let it go before my brain exploded from trying to work it out. The nightmare was still rolling around in my head and my stomach was delicate still.

"We've got training today, are you going to be all right with John, if he says anything, and most important, do you think you should go?"

"Sure baby, he doesn't frighten me, if he says anything, I'll remind him again to mind his own business and I feel okay, but if it changes, I will head for home."

"Okay, but if you need help sing out babe."

"Sure."

We chilled for the next hour or two and I watched Jay's DVD about three times and each time a tear dripped from my eye. We had to get to training but Jay was on the phone plenty, answering congratulation calls. I wondered how his friends got our address and phone number, but I didn't ask. Maybe Facebook, something I leave up to my agent to do, I hardly ever look at it.

We parked and went to the change room to meet up with the boys and after a lot of back slapping Jay and I ran out onto the oval. Coach put us through our paces and I really felt it tonight. Of course John wanted to know what was up with me at the theatre and I told him it was none of his business. Chris got what he deserved and I added that anyone who insults my boyfriend insults me and I guarantee they get swift retribution. He replied,

"No problems, Ben, as long as you're happy." I was a little confused with his statement, a bit like Jay's this morning. `As long as you're happy.' It started running through my brain as I ran around the oval. I thought it was a throw away line but fuck me, no he wouldn't do that, would he, not Jay. I also couldn't stop thinking about his fall from the pole, feathers everywhere and Jay's broken body. His happiness and his eagerness to make me happy, he had asked in that hideous dream if I was happy now.

I thought more on it and before I knew it tears were flowing down my face and I couldn't think anymore. I felt like a real prick and I felt like I was using him so bad. I ran out of the oval and up the street leaving training and my Jay behind. I couldn't face anyone at the moment so I ran and ran until I couldn't run anymore, finally collapsing outside my parent's place in Toorak.

I sat on a seat in their front garden behind a twelve-foot high stone fence and cried my eyes out. I have used Jay in a terrible way. He was giving himself to me because I was feeling down and my God it was nothing compared to what he went through. I should have been giving myself to him. I took his virginity like a hungry predator and he gave it up to make me feel good, to make me happy. Why the hell would he do that? It's crazy and doesn't make any sense, even this morning he gave himself to me again, he's not a bottom and he's doing it against his will, fuck me.

Someone had put their hand on my shoulder, it was Lawry and he had a concerned look on his face.

"What's the matter sir, can I help?"

"No Lawry just some man blues. Is mum home?"

"Yes sir she's in the family room. We were just playing scrabble and it's her turn so I came out to get the post. You know how slow she is. Come on and I'll make you a nice cup of tea."

Lawry is my parent's doorman, gardener, cook and best friend and with my dad being away so much he is my mum's closest confidant, a true English gentleman and honest as the day is long. I followed him into the house where I found a confused lady trying to make a big word out of her tiles.

"Ben, how wonderful to see you; what's wrong son?"

I flopped on the sofa and cried again because I felt so fucking depressed; mum was onto me in a second.

"Lawry, tea please, what's wrong son, tell mum?"

"Oh mum it's really nothing. I am just feeling a bit down and needed a mum hug that's all." She tried to put her small arms around me but as always they didn't fit but they felt good anyway, a mum's hug is worth its weight in gold.

"Ben where have you been, your dad was home last week but you didn't answer your phone. I know you don't want any interference from us but you could at least ring baby. We get a bit sick of hearing about you in the newspapers."

"I'm sorry mum but I have had a few man problems in the past few months and I wanted to be right when I came here but it looks like I failed at that too."

"Is this about Pete honey?"

"Pete left me a few months ago mum, it's been hard but it was time he went." I smiled at her.

"Thank God, money grabbing little prick, I won't ask what happened but I am so glad he's gone, your father will be too."

"It's okay mum, I know you held your tongue with him and I understand. I was trying so hard for so long to get our relationship on track but in the end he up and left anyway."

"I know honey, he came here looking for a handout so I got Lawry to show him the door."

"He what?"

"Oh some bullshit about you owing him some money and because he no longer sees you, could we pay it back and get it off you at a later date, nothing we couldn't handle son." She smiled and I believe that whole-heartedly she was a tigress when it comes to dealing with users.

"Now it's just not that baby, it's in the past. What has Jay done?"

"Mum, how do you know about Jay?"

"I have my contacts." She wiped the table with her tissues and Lawry placed the tray down.

"Nothing mum, I just wanted a hug but I can't talk to you about this one mum. I love him so much, he's a beautiful person and a wonderful dancer and is going to be a star footballer."

"I know, your dad and I have met him and he's a very nice, polite young man and as for his dancing well, the world's his oyster. We offered him the principal role in our new production of Romeo and Juliette but he politely declined. Do you think that has something to do with your dilemma?"

I was shocked and of course mum and dad would have met Jay, after all they are patrons of the State Theatre. I didn't think they would have gone to much amateur stuff.

"What were you doing at Jay's show mum?"

"Trying to get him to see sense, but he's adamant, he wanted to play football for a few years at least."

"So you went there just to see Jay?"

"Yes son, the reports on him were wonderful, so we wanted to meet him."

"Fuck me mum, when was this?"

"Oh about two weeks ago Ben, why?"

"No it's okay mum, I haven't told him about you and dad. I wanted to keep you under the radar for awhile. He's had a very hard time the past few months, mum. I won't tell you his story but it's sad. I have fallen big time for him and I love him so much but maybe he's not over his troubles mum. I have a lot to think about but I do know I adore him completely. Mum, how did you know I was with Jay?"

"Contacts son, did you forget that part?"

"Oh."

"Well son we respect your privacy and no one is more proud of you than your father and I, and of course Lawry. If we can help in any way, just ring us baby, we will always be here for you."

"Thanks mum, I really appreciate that, and I'm sorry about tonight but seeing you has made me feel a lot better." I leant over and kissed my mum on the cheek, then I asked Lawry to drive me home. I had to speak to Jay but I had no idea what I was going to say to him. I might just fuck it up completely, but I pray to God I don't.

Lawry got the bat mobile out and tried to get me to sit in the back but as usual I refused. I liked sitting in the front.

"How serious is this new relationship sir?" He smirked, he knows to call me Ben and he does the sir thing deliberately.

"Really serious Lawry, I've asked him to marry me."

"That serious." He raised his eyebrows.

"Yes that serious, but I don't know mate, because his last husband was killed in a car accident about six months ago. I went with him eight weeks ago to be with him when they turned the machines off and since then he's done nothing but give himself to me. He's been looking after me and all I had to deal with was a fucking breakup with a fucking thoughtless prick. That's the only problem I had, he lost the love of his life forever and he tries hard to make me happy. I just don't get why he did that Lawry. He's a top but he bottomed without telling me he was a virgin, what kind of person does that?"

"The kind that loves you deeply, the kind who wants to please you unconditionally, but is maybe scared shitless of his own nightmares. The kind that never really says goodbye to the past but focuses on the present hoping to God he can make his life right again. I assume you are going home to talk to him about this sir?"

"Yes." But I didn't want to, I don't want him to face his fears just yet as I need more information. I trusted Lawry not to tell my mum and dad Jay's secret, he's always kept my secrets in the past so I can talk straight to him plus he's gay and he helped enormously with my coming out. He organized the party, but my parents already knew, so it wasn't a big shock. I thanked him as he pulled up outside the apartment and he leant over and hugged me.

"Good luck sir, I'm sure you will say the right things and don't forget your family, we all love you to bits."

"Thank you Lawry." I exited the big grey Bentley thinking I would hate to pay the upkeep on that thing.

I hauled myself slowly up the stairs tonight. I wanted more time to think but I guess I had better go face the music.

I had left everything at the club, even my keys so I knocked on the door, which was opened by a red-eyed, upset but beautiful man who threw himself at me crying his heart out.

I held him as long as I could but I had to sit down. I was mentally exhausted and I just didn't want to make this boy's sadness any worse. I kissed his head and walked into the kitchen pushing the button on the kettle, I think it, maybe, will be a late night again.

"Three questions Ben, just three, what did John say to you, where have you been and why didn't you ring?"

"I would have had a hundred questions if you had of pissed off on me angel. I am sorry but John never said anything, he just made me see clarity for a moment and that clarity made me sad and teemed up with my nightmare soI just wanted to be on my own. I ran to my parent's place where I had a cup of tea with my mum then her friend, Lawry, drove me home. I had left everything at the oval and I'm sorry I worried you Jay." My head hung low.

"You left me there Ben; you left me behind thinking John had said something awful to you. I so wanted to haul his ass over the coals but I couldn't. I couldn't even gather a search party to find you because I don't want anyone to know about us. How hard do you think is it to be in charge of your emotions but inside feeling like crap?"

"Jay I'm sorry, I just had some things to sort out that's all, I'm sorry you went through that. I wanted to ring you but I thought I wouldn't be long anyway."

He threw himself into my body and my arms automatically went around his shoulders, he wept and I felt like a big pile of dog's shit.

We do all our best talking in bed because if there's something heavy it gives you a few more minutes while they put their clothes on to leave, so I waited until he finished his drink. I had no idea what he had for dinner as there were no dirty dishes but I so wanted to hold him even though I might have to set him free at any moment.

"What clarity?" There he said it and I froze because I didn't know where to start and I so didn't want to hurt him. My tears started moving down my face as I reached for a tissue but then I made my mind up.

"It's nothing Jay, we can talk about it later. I just want to hold onto you for a little while longer."

"Then why the tears if it's nothing? You're starting to scare me Ben and don't give me Chris's he can't dance for shit routine again either, spill your bloody guts."

Oh God give me strength.

"What did you really mean this morning when you said as long as you're happy that's all that counts?"

"What?"

"You said it and I didn't think about it until I spoke to John, he said the same thing and you said it in my nightmare. Jay are you playing with me like are you pretending that you're happy and your goal is to make me happy and does that involve losing your virginity to me and giving it up whenever you think I want it? I thought we were going to help each other. I will never be happy with someone who pretends to like being fucked or sleeping with me every night because he thinks it's his job to make me happy all the time, it's not right, it doesn't feel right." There I said it, over and done now he will get out of bed and put his clothes on and I will beg his forgiveness, but he didn't.

All I got was,

"Go to sleep Ben." He cuddled up to me and sighed and I loved it.

"So you aren't going to answer me?"

"No, you're being ridiculous again and I don't think it's very funny this time. Now get some sleep and maybe I will get a better conversation from you in the morning."

I laid there thinking this isn't right, he should be mad at me but maybe I was right and he wants time to think on his answer. I had a sleepless night and I guess so did Jay but I needed the toilet badly and coffee. I again felt hungover and that taste of dead fish was still in my mouth. He came out dressed in his t-shirt and sweats looking gorgeous but very run down and I felt guilty instantly. I hugged and kissed him gently, my angel.