This story is fiction any similarities between persons either living or dead is purely coincidental (although any good writer will write what he knows). This is a story that deals with male-to-male relationships as well as homosexual sex. If this offends you or is illegal in your location please do not read any further. This statement releases me the author and the site wherein this story is posted from any legal action. Copyright 2001 by Patrick Sean Purdy.
Chapter 20: Long Walks
Brandon and I walked back to the tent where he signed the waiting receipt, leaving Anthony a generous tip. We grabbed our coats and walked around the dunes back to our car rather than through the restaurant. Words couldn't describe what I was feeling, so I silently walked alongside Brandon. When we got in the car Brandon asked if I would like to go back to his place or head over to mine, being that we were so close. I asked him if he'd like to stroll through St. Augustine then head back to my place. He agreed and headed over the bridge towards downtown St. Augustine.
I'd lived there for almost four years and one thing I never tired of was strolling through the city streets. The street design of the downtown area was laid out over 400 years ago and hadn't changed hardly at all in that time. I know Brandon didn't quite understand what drew me to walk these same streets so often, but it had become a habit of mine; and it was a habit I had drawn him into as well. More than once in the time I had known him had a leisurely stroll through these alleys and side streets proved to be a sort of turning pint in our relationship. A lot can be said as you walk along quiet and romantic streets, both with and without words. For this reason, Brandon indulged me in these walks, and I suspected that he was beginning to enjoy them, if not understand my fascination.
We were lucky and found a parking space right along the bay-front. We got out of the car and Brandon looked over the hood asking, "Where to?"
"Well, we could walk along the bay or over by the fort, but it is Valentine's Day and every couple will be out at those places." Sure enough as I glanced across the street at the bayside walkway, the number of couples was noticeable. "How about if we head towards the college and the little back streets?"
"It's your night Evan. Your wish is my command." OK, so he still wasn't completely used to my walks, but he cared enough not to knock them. We headed down Avenida Menendez to Treasury Street and then in towards St. George Street. The walking mall of St. George was always a good place to start when you weren't sure where you wanted to go in St. Augustine. My original plan was to head right on St. George and go along the mall, but when we got there I was drawn to turn left towards the Plaza and the Government House. Once again, the plaza was darkened only the street lamps to light your way. It had been a month since the Festival of Lights had been turned off until the next year. I missed that. St. Augustine is beautiful from Thanksgiving until the Epiphany. All of the major downtown buildings are outlined in little white lights, the trees of the Plaza are blooms of tiny pale bulbs, the palm along the bay are wrapped in a spire of lights like a candy cane. It's peaceful and romantic and that was how St. Augustine looked when I first met Brandon.
The first time we went for a stroll after a dinner date, the city was aglow with millions of white Christmas lights. At one point I turned to look at him as he was explaining something about music. It was a subject near and dear to him and he was lost in the explanation of it all. We were walking through the plaza towards the bandstand and that look upon his face, combined with the soft light shining down upon him made him look angelic. If I had to pick a moment when I had fallen in love with him, when my wanting to be with him came from my heart rather than from simple sex-appeal and friendship, than I would have to pick that moment. It was a pure moment in time, he was pure, and it is how I remember him. Whenever we were apart, because of work, or school, or Christmas, and I would think of Brandon, I would think of how he looked that night.
Now, the lights were gone, but the feeling remained. Even without being illuminated from overhead, Brandon was an angel. I reached for him and he stepped out of my way. I forgot how shy he was in public sometimes, so I just let him go. We didn't talk of much, nothing of significance as I recall. We walked down St. George Street past the Trinity Episcopal Church, the old General Store Museum, past the St. Augustine Restoration Project, beyond some beautiful private homes. We had walked so far down St. George Street that we had gone clear down to St. Francis Street. We passed the parking lot for the Oldest House, which was just down St. Francis Street towards the bay, on our left. There, at the southeast corner of St. Francis and St. George Streets was a small park. It occurred to me that I had never really noticed it before and that all I could think of was how peaceful it looked.
That peace drew me in. I grabbed Brandon by the arm and said, "Follow me." We crossed the intersection to the corner of the park. The only path into the park was under a trestle mad from thin viney trees. Intertwining with the sinews of the natural gate were ivy growing this way and that. It was like a lush green tunnel, leading to a small patch of green that excused itself from the world. There wasn't anything terribly special about this park. The cement path lead in under the trestle and then wound around a small fountain. Around this the lush grass grew and several cement benches gave visitors a place to rest.
With Brandon's hand still entwined in mine, I led him to a bench in the corner under a tall tree flanked by two walls. From beyond these walls poured a soft light generated by the porch lights of the houses contained within. Each bench, I had noticed as we circled the fountain, was marked with ceramic tiles telling the story of St. Francis of Assisi; ours was no different. Everything about this small public yard intensified my feelings of peace and love; peace from contentment and love for Brandon. It felt safe there in that park and especially in Brandon's presence.
We sat side by side on the bench, neither one of us speaking. Then, I said, as I turned and looked into his eyes, "Brandon, I love you. There will never be a way for me to say how much I value you; for the love I feel from you and towards you, to the wholeness that I feel towards you, for the person you are. I love you and yet those words cannot express how I feel."
"Evan," he started, his gaze never wavering from mine, "I don't know what to say. It sounds cheap, but the only thing I can say is that I feel exactly the same way. You've changed my world and I'm grateful to you for that."
Having recited our devotions once more, yet with such passion it was like the first time hearing or saying them; I squeezed Brandon's hand. He squeezed mine in return and we continued to look at one another. Simultaneously, as if operating as one being, we closed our eyes and leaned in to kiss. I'd swear we were going to feel a storm any second, because in that kiss was electricity. It was charged. I let go of his hand to hold him in both of mine, my one hand taking him by the back of his head and pulling him deeper into the kiss. Our tongues explored each other as if it was the first and final kiss. Reaching for places that we've never been and at the same time trying to remember them as if we would never get the chance. I held him close to me as we kissed, I gently pulled his head closer, and I moved my own body closer to him. Brandon mirrored my own advances. If it were physically possible, we would have shared the same space right then and there. Already, we were sharing the same soul.
Finally, Brandon pulled away from the kiss. He looked at me and said, "Let's head back." I couldn't have agreed more readily and I leapt off the bench pulling Brandon with me. I stopped him under the ivy as we were leaving the park and kissed him once more. It was a kiss for remembrance, as this park would forever be ours.
Chapter 21:
I awoke with Brandon in my arms. I was laid out on my back, and Brandon draped over me with his head resting upon my shoulder. The evening before had been perfect. It was the first St. Valentine's Day that I ever shared with someone I truly loved and the events of the night (the dinner at the beach, the long walks, the park and our return home to make love) made it that much more complete. I looked down at Brandon, his body beautiful, his quiet ease while he slept making him look angelic. I hated to disturb Brandon, but we were expected at Ash's for brunch with him and Theo.
"I trust the two of you had a pleasant evening," Ash asked me as we were sitting for the meal. Theo and I did most of the food prep while Brandon squeezed the OJ, all the while Ash just sat back and let us work. He said it was just a continuation of Theo's gifts for Valentine's Day.
"Almost perfect," I replied.
"Almost?" The word emanated from both Brandon and Ashton.
"Yes, almost. You still haven't said yes to my gift, Brandon. That aside it was a perfect evening and I loved every minute of it and every bit of you."
"Evan," Ash asked me, "Did you give him what you told me you were going to?"
"Yep, the ring (which he's wearing) and the cruise; but he hasn't said yes to the cruise yet."
"Evan, I told you why."
"I know," I replied, "But I'm just hoping you'll say yes at the end of the consideration."
"Brandon," chimed in Theo, "It's a gift as much from his parents as it is from Evan. You'd be disrespectful not to take it."
"I suppose you're right, but I still want to talk it over with them first."
"Well," said Ash, "I don't see any harm in that. After a talk with his mother I'm sure that you'll agree and then you will both be off getting tans in the Virgin Islands."
The brunch moved along, Ash and Theo both asking a ton of questions about the previous evening. We told them about the restaurant, the beach, the walk down St. George and the little park, then we grilled them on their own evening. You could tell in their descriptions of the evening and in their manner with each other that Ash and Theo were starting to get close. I was happy for my new friend and his even newer lover. Best of all, watching someone else become romantically attached in the midst of the gay scene made my falling in love with Brandon even more plausible and real.
Under the table as the four of us talked I reached for Brandon's hand, holding it in my own. I turned to Brandon as he was telling us some story or other out of his life and I smiled at him. It's not that I wasn't paying attention it was just that I was tuned into a different part of Brandon. I'll probably never remember which story it was he was telling, but I'll never forget how he smiled and laughed that afternoon as he told it and somewhere in my memory the facts of the story are held firmly, I just don't know which one it is.
Looking completely dumbstruck, Brandon handed the phone back to me. He had just talked to my mother about the cruise and from the stammering which I heard on our end I could tell that my mother had pretty much dominated the conversation. I took the phone from him.
"Hi, Mom."
"Well, Brandon will be going with us."
"I could tell. He's pretty speechless." I looked back at Brandon as my mother replied.
"I didn't give him a lot of chances to disagree. I pretty much put my foot down and told him he was going. I was stern with him, like I get with you and your sister when the two of you don't listen."
"That'll do it. Thanks Mom, I love you."
"I love you too, Evan. Take care."
I hung up the phone and placed it back it the cradle. I walked over to Brandon and gave him a big hug, saying, "You're going!"
"Yep, she didn't give me much choice."
"That's my mother. Imagine having lived with her for so long."
Over the next two weeks or so I became more excited about the cruise. I'd held a lot of great memories about these yearly trips with my family and now I was bringing Brandon into that circle. He'd become such a big part of my life and he's done it quicker and more completely than anyone had before. He was my best friend, my lover, and in a way he was now family.
I knew that was a lot to feel for someone and it scared me. I tried not to mention it to Brandon, because if it scared me it would surly make him feel odd. I knew that when we first met, I was a total change for Brandon. Having a boyfriend was something he'd never expected to happen, if truth were known. I had time to adjust to my feelings towards myself, Brandon did not, but I was excited by the fact that he took that big step to be with me. I was even more so when he was the first one to say, "I love you." Things never happen as we expect in life; Brandon and I are no exception, but at least we were dealing with it together.
The prospect of Spring Break was not enough to ward off my tests though. I had major studying to do before my mid-terms, not to mention that the law firm I was working for part time had been extending me extra part-time hours this semester. Brandon was burying himself in work as well, trying to make some extra money to offset the time he'd be away.
We were just so busy that phone calls were our main line of communication and we didn't get to go out together on the weekends. I stayed in St. Augustine doing cram-sessions, while Brandon continued his work at Metro. Our phone calls had become quick little "just-checking-in-on-you-and-saying-I-love-you" phone calls. He was coming and going, I was coming and going, along the way our paths didn't cross. It was really frustrating.
A group of us had gathered on the third floor of the library for a study session. We had overrun a corner of the library, claiming a few tables and all the surrounding couches as ours. "The Prodigal Son returns," I heard someone say. Instinctively, I looked up and saw Nate approaching. Within his arms he held his own pile of books for the study session and upon his face he wore a wry smile as he looked straight at me.
"Referring to me, Nate?"
"Well, you did seem to disappear these last few months. I thought for sure that you were a goner, never to return."
"I am returned, Father."
"All right," said Matt, "If this isn't a discussion about Intro to New Testament, than zip it." Nate and I nodded in approval and we all went back to studying, asking questions of one another from time to time. Between the eight of us, I don't think there wasn't a subject not being covered; I myself had Trig, Florida history, and English Lit to study. I was switching back and forth between subjects, but every now and then I would think about what Nate had said. I wondered to myself, "Had I abandoned my friends?"
After a few hours I stretched and rose from my seat stating I needed a break. I was going to Michael's, a bar/eatery just down the street, and I asked if anyone would like to come with me. Emily said she'd like to catch a break also, so we headed out together. As we walked down the street I asked her what she thought about Nate's comment. At first she said she didn't remember, but then I reminded her. When I repeated it back to her she kind of looked away and to the left, but she said, "I don't think anybody feels that way."
"Right, I believe you," I said, the sarcasm noticeable.
"Well, I don't want to upset you . . ."
"But . . ."
"But," she continued, "Nate has a point." I tried to protest, but she forcefully continued. "Evan, you're a great guy, a good friend, and someone we can all tell anything too, but I've always had this feeling they you didn't look at us the same way. When you came out last October I realized why I felt that way, or at least thought I did.
"You built a whole personality and life based on one really big omission," she continued, "Then you filled in the blank and started finding a new life. I wouldn't deny you the right to experience and be happy, but you didn't have to do it without your friends. Include us in you new life and include Brandon in the life and friendships you have with us. If you keep throwing away the friends you have simply because you found another part of yourself you'll simply have a bunch of pieces to life to look back upon instead of having a whole life lived which you can cherish."
After talking with Emily I decided to end my study session with the group. I packed up my things, said my goodnights, and jumped in my car. I wanted time to just drive and consider all that Emily has said. Of course, I knew she was right; I knew that from the beginning, but I didn't want to admit it to myself.
I took my Jeep across the Bridge of Lions and followed A1A to the Ocean Avenue beach ramp, where I parked facing the Ocean. I stepped out of my vehicle, kicked off my sandals, rolled up my pants and walked to the water's edge, the surf lapping lightly at my toes. I took a few steps back and sat staring out across the lilting waves. Emily's words played in my head like a record skipping, or one of Brandon's transition beats, the same thing being heard again and again and . . . well, you know.
Finally, it hit me. I don't know if you've ever had that feeling before, but it's like a thunderclap. A fact I knew to be true, but all of the sudden I accepted it as truth. On the outside it was quiet resignation, on the inside it had me spinning; Emily and Nate were right. The thing that got me most wasn't the broad accuracy of their words, but the subtle implications inherent to them. Not only had I been hopping from lifestyle to lifestyle, denying my friends a chance to know me as I grew, but I was denying myself a chance to have my friends at the same time. In turn, I wasn't even giving Brandon a choice regarding my friends either way.
I was pretty quiet the next few days. Part of it was dealing with finals, but I knew a lot had to do with what I had just learned about myself. What's worse is that I couldn't tell Brandon about it. I knew I had to, but I felt so ashamed of what I'd done, I didn't know how to bring it up without embarrassing myself. When I would talk to him I was distant and vague. Looking back, I should have noticed that he was acting similarly and didn't comment on my quietude.
<E-mail: theleprechaun_99@yahoo.com> <Website: http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Breakers/7043/index.html>