This story is fiction any similarities between persons either living or dead is purely coincidental (although any good writer will write what he knows). This is a story that deals with male-to-male relationships as well as homosexual sex. If this offends you or is illegal in your location please do not read any further. This statement releases me the author and the site wherein this story is posted from any legal action. Copyright 2001 by Patrick Sean Purdy.
Chapter 23: Clips of Memory
I headed to La Cantina, my favorite Mexican restaurant in Jax, and sat myself at the bar ordering a quesadilla platter and a Corona with lime. Tradition and predictability have their time and place I though to myself as I ordered, causing the bartender to roll his eyes. I didn't want to think about Brandon so I watched some of the March Madness up on the TV. Neither team playing was a favorite, but the game was interesting enough to hold my attention for the most part. Being in a void of reverie and distraction I finished off my first beer quickly and a second one was placed in front of me shortly before my meal arrived. My heart wasn't in either the food or the game though, I thought only of Brandon. Blankly, I started at the television screen getting excited in tandem with the crowd, picking at the food before me, and swallowing my beer without tasting it.
I stayed at La Cantina for several hours watching a few games. Along the way I managed to drink too many beers and I was visibly drunk (though I wouldn't admit it at the time) when the bartender refused to serve me any more alcohol. At first I tried to plead my case with him, but when that didn't work I started to get testy. I sat there demanding to be served, my voice raising above what I would ever consider a respectable level. This of course had no effect in getting my desired beer so I instinctually figured physical intimidation was the way to go. I threw myself off my stool quickly; too quickly in fact, because I lurched forward towards the bar. I pushed myself back off the bar to right myself and managed to fall backwards having repelled myself too hard. I never tried to stop myself from falling because I didn't realise I was falling until after I was stopped and held by a body mass that was solid and seemingly expecting me. In almost the same instant I realised I was falling I realised I was no longer falling and was instead half leaning and half being picked up by someone behind me. The fist thought was that the person was a bouncer of some sort and that I was definitely busted. As I was put back into my stool and made to sit down I turned to face my rescuer / enforcer. I heard him say, "Hold on there, Evan." as I was turning my head towards him. My eyes focused on this new person and I saw that it was no bouncer at all, but Theo.
The bartender asked Theo if I was a friend, to which Theo replied in the affirmative. "Good, you can take him out of here." I don't remember details, but Theo signed my bill for me, then half-carried me to his car. I protested wanting my own car and my stuff. He put me in his car anyhow, then picked up my overnight bag from my backseat and locked my car.
As we drove to his place we were silent, Theo and I. My eyes looked out the window and I though of what a fool I'd made of myself in the bar. I watched the city pass by here and there. It never rolled by like it usually does when you're bored in a car or lost in thought, but as one picture after another as if it was a poorly edited "B" movie from the 50s. I wondered what Theo must have been thinking over and over. Finally we pulled into his apartment complex.
"I'll call Brandon and let him know you're with me," Theo said.
Sobriety started to return a bit and I told him I didn't want him calling Brandon. He was surprised, but he said he would respect my wish. That return to sobriety allowed me to be able to lean on him up to his front door, rather than have him half-carry me. I'd never been to his apartment before and I was disappointed with myself for letting this be the first occasion. As we crossed the doorway he led me to his couch and I thanked him.
"It's no big deal," he replied. I thought otherwise and I tried to tell him what I was thanking him for. It wasn't just the couch to sleep or the safe ride, but the fact that he asked no questions and needed no explanations to be so kind. I tried to tell him that, but I wasn't able to be articulate and instead it came out as, "Yeah, it is." He told me it wasn't and laid me down on his couch. He took off my shoes and put a blanket over me as I passed out cold.
Like I said, I don't remember specifics, just bits and pieces from that night. Once I passed out though, it was a whole different experience. I awoke with a start just after one in the morning, I don't know why. I do know I had dry mouth and I couldn't remember where I was. It came back to me and I was ashamed once more. I made such a fool of myself in front of so many. Most of them didn't matter, but Theo did. I was embarrassed that he had seen me in such a state, but glad that he was there. He was both my savior and my sole reason for shame. I walked to his kitchen and drank three glasses of water from a glass in the drain-board, and returned to the couch. Feeling heavy in my clothes I stripped to my t-shirt and boxers. Then, I closed my eyes and started to slip back into unconsciousness, but not before thoughts of Brandon slipped into my head once again. I realised that what had woken me so fitfully was a dream about him, but I couldn't remember what it was about. I wish I could say the same for the rest of the night.
Normally, I dream a lot, but when I have stress or a particular issue that occupies my mind I dream so much more. This thing with Brandon was no exception. I had dreams where I remembered him telling me he needed to be alone, dreams of our first night on the beach when I cried and told him I was gay, and dreams of that New Year's when we professed our love. Each in turn was painful and joyous for various reasons. I remembered the visions that played in my head that night and the feelings that I had reliving those moments. Then the nightmares came.
The first one had me sitting on the pew with red velvet cushions next to Jeremy at St. Marks just before New Year's Eve. We'd just spent the whole evening chatting and dancing and as we sat there I looked at him while I was thinking and then he looked at me. He just flashed a bright white smile, which I returned. Then, hardly realizing it, Jeremy leaned in and kissed me on the lips. I started kissing back, but not briefly as I had in real life, but more insistently. I pulled back sharply not when I realised what I'd done, but because as I opened my eyes I saw Brandon watching me from a corner. I jumped to my feet to explain to Brandon, to aplogise, but he shook his head and walked away onto the crowded dance floor. I followed him, but lost him in the crowd as I was pulled by this boy and the next (all wanting to dance) when all I wanted was to find Brandon. I saw him leave out the back door, and I ran after him. I got to the door, but it wouldn't budge, so I slammed myself against it falling through. I stood up and looked around. There were cars and the backs of surrounding buildings in the lot behind this door, but no Brandon. I screamed out his name until I had no breath in me. I inhaled again and the cold of the December night pierced my lungs paralyzing my ability to call out to him once more. I thought to myself that I had lost him . . . forever. I thought this and my heart broke the feeling like I expected a heart attack, a heart literally breaking, to be. That wasn't even the worst dream.
After a small reprieve of dreamless sleep, another dream started. It was the previous morning as we were docking. I found Brandon by the pool and asked him what was wrong. I pressed and he refused, and I pressed some more. Finally, he asked with anger if I really wanted to know what was wrong. Scared by his tone, I answered, "No." It was too late and he told me he was going to give me the answer I deserved. His eyes, usually, so soft and full of love had turned black and were as mirrors of the world rather than windows to his heart. His smile, so light and full of teeth, corners of the mouth turned up so high, now twisted in a wry sort of snarl. I knew he was going to tell me that he didn't love me, that he was ashamed of me, and of what we were. I clamped my hands over my ears so as not to hear him. I was so terrified of the words about to come out of his mouth that I awoke with a start.
Awake, I found myself crying, sobbing and pleading the word "no" over and over again. A light suddenly turned on and Theo was sitting on the couch next to me cradling me in his arms. Softly, he told me it would be all right and I wanted to believe him, but he didn't know the story; he couldn't understand that it would never be all right. I wanted to believe him though, so I just hugged him and clung to him as I cried, my head resting upon his bare chest. Theo lay down beside me and I pulled the blanket over both of us. All I could think to say between sobs was "I'm sorry." He just stroked my hair and made quieting, cooing noises. Some time later I noticed that Theo had fallen asleep while holding me, and I drifted back soon after.
I never felt Theo get up from under me, but I had felt the sun play across my eyes as it filtered in from the direction of the ocean; that woke me up a little. Waking slowly, I heard a small voice in the kitchen say, "...I won't be in today. I'm gonna have to take a sick day." I heard the beep that said he hung up the line, then I heard him dialing some more numbers. "Aston, Honey," Theo lightly spoke into the phone, "I woke you. I'm sorry. The reason I called is because I've got the day off and I wanted to see you." A pause, then, "I might bring Evan with me." Another pause. "I'm not sure, but I'll see you for brunch around eleven; I'll cook. OK, I love you, too. Bye."
"Theo," I called out weakly, "Why aren't you going to work?"
"Because a friend needs me." It was pretty sound logic and I couldn't argue with him, but I also could not admit he was correct. I started to make a protest, but he quickly told be to be quiet and go back to sleep.
"This isn't the way back to La Cantina," I informed Theo, "You were supposed to turn right back there."
"Oops, it must've slipped my mind."
"Theo, I told you I don't want to go with you to Ash's place. You promised me you would take me right to my car."
"Well, I guess I lied, but I did it for your benefit." The rest of the car ride was a quiet one; as was entering Ashton's place.
Theo went straight to the kitchen and started making brunch while Ashton and I sat in the living room. I was on the love seat and Ash was sitting on his couch.
"Evan," Ashton said breaking the silence, "did you ever see the movie 'Scent of a Woman'? Al Pacino. Chris O'Donnell. It's about this prep school kid taking care of a this angry, blind, retired army officer. Ever see it?"
"Yeah. What of it?"
"Well, it was one of the last movies I ever saw before . . . well, before my date with fate, so to speak. Even then, I thought it was a really good movie. I though Pacino did an excellent job portraying a blind man. Then, afterwards I thought he captured the spirit and a great deal of intensity of a person in his place. Of course, I realised that after I was able to speak from experience.
"Anyway, I remember this one scene . . . I can still see it in my mind, though not terribly clearly anymore . . . this once scene where he's sitting in a limo and he says 'Car feels heavy. You know why? You got the fuckin' weight of the world on your shoulders.' I loved that. I understood it as a line, but not as a feeling. You know how people say a mood in a room changes because of body language? Well, just like Pacino in that movie you realize it's not 'just' body language. There's something more."
"OK, I gotcha, but I'm not sure I'm following you."
"This room, it feels heavy right now. You know why, Evan? 'Cause right now you've got the fuckin' weight of the world on your shoulders. Now, why don't you tell me the reason I'm not hearing about your wonderful cruise and I'm not hearing about it from you and your boyfriend."
"That was subtle, Aston."
"Well, I'm blind. I guess I lost my tact along with my sight. I don't see any reason to beat around the bush. So, what's the deal?" Just at that moment Theo entered to announce the food was finished. "Oh no, you don't get off that easy. We're going into the kitchen, sitting down, and you're going to tell us everything. This way you don't have to say it twice."
"Fine." We did just that, sat in the kitchen, ate, and I told them about Brandon and what he said.
"So," said Theo, "That's when I found you? You were trying to sort out and drown out feelings."
"Yeah," I admitted sheepishly.
"Evan," Ashton said to me, "I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but are you stupid or something? Brandon loves you. Anyone can tell that. The way he talks to you, the way he stands close to you, everything about his interaction with you says that he loves you and that you are his world. Hell, I can't even see the two of you, but when I'm around you guys there's an energy there. If the two of you are talking I hear the voice coming from a direction that sounds like there's only one person.
"When I first met the two of you in the airport I knew there was a comfort between you. Then, after the holidays when we first got together, I knew there was something more than before. You didn't have to tell me that the magic words were spoken in New York, I could tell.
"Now, you freak because you think he's going to leave you? For someone else? For a girl? I don't think so my friend. He just has issues to work out. I mean, for Christ's sake Ev, you stole a straight boy away from the world and forced him to face his gay side. Overall, I think he did a pretty good job adjusting without warning. Of course, he also had you by his side, his rock and reason for doing it. Without you, Brandon probably would have went through his whole life, or a ver large portion, just wondering about being gay.
"You had time, you came to grips with your sexuality over years and finally worked up to a place where you could be free to say who you are and damn the world. Brandon hasn't had that. He's lived in a dream of love and acceptance. He's had you there as a reminder of why he's doing everything he's doing. He's had you to cling to if he got scared that what he's doing or who he is may be wrong. He's had you to tell him it's all right and to accept that without question. But, now, he needs to realise that for himself.
"If he told you that he needs time to think things over, give it to him. Tell him it's OK, that you'll be there when he needs you. Don't worry about losing him, because if you react to that feeling, you'll end up doing something stupid that causes it to happen. It's not a self-fulfilling prophecy I would want to face.
"I'm sorry," Ashton concluded, "I'm long winded and I'm out of place, but that's how I feel." I knew he was right. I didn't want to admit it, but he was. It was so much easier to just expect the worst. After all, who was I to deserve happiness, I was already so lucky in my life. I had a family that loved me, I never really wanted for anything, I was earning my degree with little real difficulty, I had friends that cared for me; who was I to ask for the perfect love also? I knew he was right, but I couldn't admit it, to myself.
"I know," I slowly spoke up, "You're right. I told Brandon, I'd be there for him however he needed me, and that's what I'm going to do." I said it, and I meant it. Another part of me gnawed and said, "Just try your best, it probably won't work out. Why should it?" I hated that negative half of me, bur it was loud.
We finished our meal and I was glad to have talked with Ashton and Theo that morning. I was glad Theo was there to catch me, literally, and I told him so. We continued to talk and I told them a little bit about the trip, but I said that I'd save the real stories for when I had pictures and Brandon with me. I said it with hope and sadness in my voice. Then I asked Theo to take me back to my car.
I drove back to St. Augustine in relative quiet. I didn't turn on the radio, music reminded me of Brandon too much. The sound that accompanied me were wind and surf (when I was close enough to the waterline) and memory. I had little clips of memory from that spanned all my time with Brandon. That first night I met him at the Palladium; the night after the party; our first date; him on my doorstep in Long Island on New Year's Eve; his whispered "I Love You" later that night; our Valentine's Day date; the way he looked as he sunned on the deck of the cruise ship. All of these memories played in front of me as I drove, then the memory of the kiss with Jeremy in Long Island ran across. Suddenly, a part of me spoke up saying it was all going to end badly anyhow, why waste time? I pushed that voice out as best I could, but it kept a quiet whisper in my mind, nearly inaudible, but just enough that I knew it was there.
I pulled up in front of my apartment not remembering the last few miles. I quietly unloaded my gear and went into my apartment. I saw the light on my answering machine and I hit "Play" as I continued into the bedroom to drop my bags. I was tired and I started to disrobe to take a shower as I heard one friend after another welcome me home (most had called just the day before) and then I heard his silence. I got up and stood at the doorway in only my underwear staring at the machine, listening for his voice. Then I heard, "Evan, I'm just calling to make sure you're safe and OK. I love you. Call me back to let me know you're all right. I'm letting the machine take my calls for a few days, so just leave a message. I love you." His voice trembled throughout the message. I'm guessing he left it just a few minutes after he finished crying.
It made me want to cry all over again. I walked over to the phone and picked up the handset. I was choked up with everything inside of me as I dialed his number and waited anxiously to hear his voice, but true to his word he let the machine pick it up. When it was time to leave my message I could only say, "I'm home. I love you, too. Goodbye."
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