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It took every ounce of strength in my being to get up the next morning to meet Alexandria in the basement of the student library like we'd agreed the night before.
We had decided to sleep on everything, regroup on Saturday morning while the campus slept off its hangover, and get to work.
I pulled on a pair of tight dark blue jeans, my softest black sweater I'd stolen from my older brother back home, and a black leather jacket to match my boots.
My hair was getting long, so I slicked it back with a standard issue ODU ball cap, wrapped a huge scarf around my neck, and braved the cold air to take my own kind of walk of shame to the library.
The library basement was deserted, dark, and drafty. I felt like I was in the middle of The Pelican Brief when I carefully turned a corner and ran into Alex sitting there with her laptop already open, typing away at one of the ancient hardwood tables that students randomly used to study together amidst the quiet carols.
"Hey Al," I sat down next to her.
"How are you feeling, love?"
I just gave her a look, remembering all of the things we'd discussed the night prior.
My heart was heavy. I was in a tough spot. I'd made the decision and there wasn't much turning back, but in so many ways, I questioned my own thinking. Why had I thought this was a great idea? Why had I agreed to go through with it? Why had I sacrificed more than I was ready to?
I took a deep breath. It was for the bigger picture, I remembered. Even that morning, waking up and showering in a deserted Chi Beta, I knew I wanted more. I was capable of it.
And sometimes to get more, you had to give things up.
And so with a heavy heart, and heavy fingers, Alexandria and I trudged away.
The narrative had to be simple, we decided. Easy to follow. Easy to point to. Easy to understand and see the through line.
Six gentlemen were involved in ungentlemanly conduct. There was a clear victim, who we didn't name. There were members of faculty who wanted this to go away. Of those six men, their Greek affiliates had already denounced them, as had their high profile seats in some of the university's highest profile clubs. Those details would come out as the story unfolded, and while we weren't in a position to name the men, we were confident that once their identities began to come forward organically, one common denominator would emerge.
Varsity Football.
This was the characteristic they all shared in common. It was the characteristic they all loved most, and it was the organization that fostered such a toxic masculinity that was dangerous to our student body.
Yes they were all Greek. Yes some were in the IFC and Executive Council. Yes some had ties to the Student Faculty Hearing Committee. But at their core, they shared one thing. Football.
And so with that, we challenged our sports community to speak out against sexual violence. Foster a sense of respect for the women on campus. Cultivate a culture that didn't reward toxic masculinity at all cost. We beseeched them to hold a public forum to educate members of the greater sports community at ODU on the dangers and harms of sexual violence.
And to the victim, we offered an apology. That the culture surrounding sports on our campus came to this. Tear Night may have been a night to celebrate a new era of Greek life, but in this tragedy it also brought together guys from different affiliation with one common denominator. And that's the culture we needed to tackle once and for all.
We looked at each other and sighed. Alex's prose was good. My research on the number of sexual assaults committed nationwide by atheletes was solid. Our writing was unimpeachable. And yet we still both felt sick. Exhausted. Like we'd sacrificed a piece of ourselves.
Like we'd sacrificed a piece of our souls.
As we promised, we ran the article to Chip and Ryan that evening. They were in the middle of getting a big on-campus band party put together for their pledges that night, but they took some time out of heir day to meet with us.
"Here's what you asked for, Alex," Ryan said, handing over two documents indicating that the members associated with their house had been expelled two weeks ago, and stripped of all brotherhood privileges, including participating in pledgeship, the upcoming initiation, and wearing the organization's letters at graduation. We decided to pull an apology quote from one of them to include in our article, another move that chipped away at my soul. By the time the sun set on Saturday, I barely recognized who I was.
Chip pulled me aside and tried to reassure me.
"This is good," he whispered. "In the long run, this is good. Think of all of the good that you can do when you're on the Executive Council."
I turned to him with tired eyes. I couldn't think about any of that because I was still thinking about the pieces of me I had sacrificed to get there.
Alex excused us, saying we were in the process of scheduling meetings with the guys in question, which was proving to be kind of a pill. The thought of sitting across from them turned my stomach, but I knew it had to be done. We were also still waiting to hear back from Claire.
"If anything changes, let us know," Ryan asked.
"We go to print no later than six Sunday night, so why don't we plan on a final look through around four," Alex suggested. Chip began to say something, but Ryan cut him off and agreed.
"We'll make ourselves available."
I assumed they had some sort of pledging event on Sunday that they would simply have to work around. Alex wasn't messing around, and I think Ryan understood that from the night before.
By the time we got back to the sorority house, Alex could see the toll the last few days had taken on me, and dismissed me back to the frat house.
"Get some rest. The next few days are going to be hell."
I knew she was right. Alex had broken stories before, but nothing like this. This was being run without a byline, meaning even more scrutiny from the community. I remember how tenuous things were when I ran the Melanie Chu story, and this would surely be even more intense. I wouldn't be around to help defend the paper, but that would essentially make things even worse. There would be questions about where I went and why.
And then there was the impending meeting with Claire herself. We needed to get her reaction, to warn her, and to ensure that she knew exactly what she was getting into. It was only fair, and it was the only thing that was keeping our moral compass intact.
I walked back to the frat house, bundled up and clutching my notebooks to my chest, almost like I was protecting my heart. Almost like I thought there was a threat to my chest, and I needed armor to keep it at bay. But I knew deep down inside that the biggest threat to my heart was me. And I had to find something, anything, to protect me from me.
I wanted to call Pete so bad and apologize. I thought maybe that would help. I wanted to explain the situation. I wanted to open my heart, undress the armor, and confess that I had made a huge mistake.
But his words were final. Never again. He didn't want to hear from me, and in a way, contacting him would be an act of rape akin to that of those six guys to Claire Robinson. I couldn't force him to talk to me. Or see me. I couldn't hurt him more than he'd already been hurt. More than I had already hurt him.
And yet part of me felt like our journey wasn't over. It might take time, but we'd find our way back together, I hoped as I walked home. I had to live on that hope or else I wouldn't have made it home. Something more final would have happened between now and then, and I couldn't let my mind go there.
He'd hurt me before, and we had survived that. This was just another blip in our road.
And even knowing that, I still wanted to pick up my phone and call. I needed to talk to someone. I needed to feel like my life was back on track, like I was in control of something. My footsteps were so heavy, I had no idea if I'd ever get on solid footing again, but I needed to try.
I pulled out my phone, and instead of calling Pete, I called the next best thing.
Mike Loggerman.
I knew there was slim to no chance he'd answer, or even that he could. I think part of me wanted to feel the rejection of his not being able to answer. Part of me wanted to punish myself. Part of me wanted to feel the pain of having no one.
I deserved that pain.
And just as I expected.
"The person you are dialing is currently unavailable..." the female automated voice trailed off.
There was still one other person I could call to balance how I felt, and what I felt I deserved. One other person who could return me to normalism in a way. One other person I could take my feelings out on without spiraling further into guilt, shame, sadness.
"Hey Lee," I said when he answered my call. The first person who had. "What are you up to? I need a pledge."
"Hey Corbin," he replied. He sounded out of breath. "We're setting up for a kickback tonight."
I had no idea we were even throwing a party that night. I was so out of the loop at Chi Beta.
"Oh nice," I tried to sound breezy. "At the frat house?"
"No, it's at the senior's place. Just a few Pi Phi girls and the guys, but they want us to put together a flip cup tournament and we still need to make a playlist."
"I see," I neared the alley that led past Pete's place and towards the Chi Beta house. I wondered if he was home, but I pushed that thought out of my head. I looked down at my watch. It was past seven, so I knew the chance of Lee being able to slip away was slim to none. They'd be expecting him at the house to help host when the girls started showing up. But just like I anticipated the rejection of Mike's call, part of me yearned for the deserved rejection of Lee. I needed it. I needed to feel as low as I deserved.
"Say, you wouldn't be able to delegate some of that to someone and come help me out with something?" It was a soft request. As an active brother, I could have demanded he came over, but I didn't feel like I could.
"Well, we're pretty busy over here, I'm not going to lie."
"I understand that, but I could really use your help."
"Mine, or anyone's?" he asked. "I can send someone else over."
"Why don't you put someone else in charge, and come over yourself."
I could hear in his voice that he wanted to. That he wanted to get away. I imagined how tired he must be, and the idea of doing something one on one with a brother was probably better than pulling an entire party together. I felt emboldened to pull him away from everyone else, and I could feel it in my own voice as I rounded the corner into the Chi Beta parking lot.
"Let me see if I can push some of this stuff off," Lee replied finally. "I'd have to be back by nine though."
"That's fine," I responded. I tried not to give anything away in my voice, but I did want to entice him to come over. "What I have in mind won't take long. I just want to chat." I added the last part quickly.
I hung up with Lee, feeling a bit better, but still low. I trudged up the back landing staircase, intending to go straight to my room and relax until Lee got there. On my way around the corner towards my room, I ran into my pledge brother Ben.
"Hey Corbin, I was just looking for you. You've been pretty MIA the last few days," he said, bounding towards me with more energy than I was prepared to reciprocate. The last time I'd been in the house was when I gave the rest of my class the details of my first, and only, night with Pete. Ben hadn't been there, unsurprisingly, and I wondered briefly what he wanted to chat about.
"Can we go to your room?" he asked.
"Sure," I replied, leading him inside. Mister immediately circled my leg as I put everything down on the couch and turned back to Ben. "What's up, buddy?"
"So, I was thinking about what you said the other day," he started.
"The other day?"
"About running for president?"
"Oh, yeah," I remembered, crossing my arms around my chest. The last time I'd been home, I'd been talking to Chip about my future, and while I was listening to everything Ben said, I was distracted. Chip. Lee coming over. This conversation at hand. It was all swirling, and I felt a bit light headed. I shifted my weight to one leg and forced myself to concentrate on my pledge brother.
"Do you think it would be an issue with Hutch?" he asked tentatively, matching my stance.
"What do you mean?"
"Like... would it piss him off if he had some competition?"
I shifted again. Of course it would, but I couldn't say that. I also couldn't lie.
"Well, like I said, competing with him will only move the needle. Which is what we want. Even if you don't win, it'll force him to think about things differently."
As I spoke, I noticed a shift in Ben's facial expression. And that's when I knew I had him.
"You want to win," I stated, more of a declaration than a question.
"I wouldn't mind winning," he replied. "If it meant some changes around here."
He folded his arms to match my stance, and instinctively I uncrossed mine and squared away with him. This was the attitude I needed from Ben if I was going to go up against Hutch as planned. I felt Mister circle my legs again.
"If I'm going to do this... I might as well do this."
"Then let's do this," I replied quickly.
"Okay. How exactly?"
I took a deep breath, feeling more energized than I had in the last two days since Pete had fucked me senseless. This was the kind of energy I needed to get back to what I was built for.
"You leave the how to me. Just start being more visible around the house. Nothing too crazy, but maybe eat with the class a bit more. Show up earlier to parties. Don't hole up with girls the entire time."
He nodded.
"I can do that, but the girls I hole up with. Corbin, I can't keep them away, nor do I want to."
I forced a chuckle.
"Ben, trust me. When you're living down in the presidential suite, you'll have double the girls knocking on your door. Like I said, leave the details to me. We'll make a president out of you," I said, bending over and picking Mister up and holding him close. I heard a faint knock on the door and realized it must be Lee. He must have raced over.
"Come in," I said. Lee popped in quickly and shut the door behind him before he realized Ben was there as well.
"Oh, hey, Brother Montgomery," Lee stopped in his tracks. He reacted quickly. "We're setting up a party at Red Light. Are you going to stop by?"
"Actually, Ben was just telling me he planned to make an appearance," I cut in quickly. "Ben, I'll see you there in a bit."
I set Mister down, side stepped both of them and opened the door. Ben said goodbye and stepped out.
I took a deep breath and locked the door behind him.
"Let me see your phone, Lee," I said softly. He handed his cell to me. I put it on top of my mini-fridge and led him to the bed.
"You look tired," I said sitting softly next to him.
"I'm okay," he nodded. "It's part of the job."
"What if I offered to help you relax?" I said softly, my face inches from his ear. I felt energized in that moment. Strategizing with Ben. Knowing I was building myself back up from the lowest point in my entire life just days before. I'd get through this episode with Chip and the EC. I'd get through being fired by Alexandria. I'd get through everything with Pete. I would be Corbin Crowley once again, it was only a matter of time. And Ben, and now Lee, were my first steps.
"You don't need to," Lee resisted. I put my hand on his thigh and whispered.
"Lee, I want to. It's been too long."
He nodded softly and licked his lips. I took that as a sign. I wasn't doing this to get any pleasure out of it. It was my quest to regain control, and having him melt under my touch showed me that I was on the right track.
There are plenty of ways to exert control over someone. Over a situation. I stood up, walked to the door, made sure it was locked, and then turned out the light. I walked back to where Lee had sat back on his elbows, his feet on the floor firmly. I slowly knelt before him, and heard him take a sharp short breath.
Control.
I traced my hands down his right leg and found his shoe. I untied it, maintaining eye contact with the freshman. Slowly, I undid his lace and pulled his shoe off.
"We shouldn't do this," he whispered.
"Shhhhh," I cooed, moving on to his left leg.
"What about David?" he whispered. This time I didn't even answer. I just planted my lips on his and made sure to kiss him so hard he knew I didn't want any more talking.
I pulled his other shoe off and then went straight for his belt buckle. There wasn't going to be any foreplay. I was in control, and he was powerless to resist.
"Corbin-" he began, putting his hand on my shoulder. I suddenly felt a rush of irritation.
"If you gave a rat's ass about David, you wouldn't have come here. Now, I'm telling you to relax," I looked him in the eye again. This time I wasn't so gentle. I pulled his belt buckle off roughly, and he bucked his hips so that I could undo his zipper and pull his jeans off.
"Are we going to have an issue?" I asked, leaning in close as I pulled his drawers down. HIs cock was already hard, and the slime of his precum pressed against my forearm.
"No," he mouthed, barely making a sound. You know you have a guy in your clutch when he inhales as he speaks, and that's exactly what Lee did.
"Good," I replied. I wanted to reiterate that I was in control of the situation, so I firmly grasped his cock and squeezed. Every bit of frustration I'd felt since my conversation with Chip in that very room was felt in that grip. I leaned in closer to Lee and saw him get his lips ready for a kiss. Instead, I maintained control. I lived on it. I was drunk on it. I leaned back and instead of kissing him, I pulled my other hand that wasn't on his dick and firmly grasped his neck.
Lee took in a sharp breath.
"You don't cum until I let you, is that clear?" He blinked slowly, in pleasure and in pain. He nodded.
"Say it, Lee."
"I won't cum."
"I won't cum, what?" I could hear how sinister my voice was, but I didn't care.
"I won't cum, sir," he replied.
I released his neck slightly, but kept a firm grip. I leaned in and bit his ear. He winced and bucked his hips towards me, his cock sliding up and down in my now loosened grasp.
"Brother Crowley," I whispered.
"I won't cum," gasp. "Brother Crowley."
I released his neck, and in one firm motion, I pulled away from him, and dove onto his cock like my throat owned it. Lee released a loud moan. I immediately took my free hand and put it over his mouth. After sucking him deep, nice and slow, I pulled up and pulled back, completely off his dick. He opened his eyes and looked at me, begging.
"I don't want you to make a sound," I whispered.
"Yes brother Crowley."
I slapped his cheek lightly.
"No sounds." He nodded. Satisfied that I was still in control, I went back down. This time as soon as my lips touched his cock, a rush of precum flooded my mouth. It was more than I remembered the last time I sucked Lee off, which was ages ago, but still. I knew he enjoyed it. I knew he loved being controlled. Dominated.
He was just like me. In control in so many aspects of his life. With the frat, with the guys around him, with his girlfriend, and sometimes even when I'd given him that power over me last semester. But deep down, we both relished a man who could put us in our place sexually. I'd had it done with Pete, and now here I was on the other side of the coin with the freshman that was essentially my powerful mini-me.
And all his power was currently filling his rock hard cock, penetrating my throat, and allowing me to take full control.
I began bobbing up and down on Lee's cock, moving my body in rhythm to his thrusts, making sure he knew I was just as into our play as he was. There weren't any sounds between the two of us, just me sucking up and down his cock, creating a friction that made him impossibly hard in my mouth.
We went this way for a minute. I pulled his hands from his side and gave him an ounce of power back, putting them on the back of my head and allowing him to dictate the pace. He instinctively pushed his hips up into me, filling my throat with his giant head. I gagged slightly and pushed his thighs back down. I bobbed my head back and forth, and Lee took the hint, only controlling my head. He ran his fingers through my hair and down my neck, causing something in me to moan slightly.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't enjoying this as much as Lee.
His dick was even more beautiful than I remembered. It was thick and so hard, I couldn't believe it. It was a cocksucker's dream, and even though I was using him to release my own pent up negative energy, I still found ways to enjoy just how amazing this freshman specimen was.
That's when I decided to explore his body. I pulled my palms up his abs to his chest. I could feel his chest go up and down, his breathing laboring as if he was running a marathon.
"Corb-" he began to whisper. I hunkered down on his cock and put one finger on his lips. I hummed for silence and he shuddered. I felt his cock swell, but I wasn't ready for him to finish. I pulled all the way back, put a firm grip on his dick, and replaced my finger on his lips with my mouth. I kissed him deep, letting him taste his precum as I explored his mouth. I pulled back and whispered "Not yet..."
He sighed. I slowly traced my way down his body and back to his cock. He calmed down, but not for long. Again, I sucked him deep and then pulled back. I looked him in his pleading eyes, and shook my head. I edged him again. And again. And again.
His whimpers became more erratic. He scratched the back of my neck deeply every time he wanted to cum. His fingers were begging me. His legs were flailing over my shoulders. His torso was contracting like a man running a marathon.
Still. No sounds. No cum. I was in control of his entire body, and feeling him squirm under my touch gave me just the fuel I needed. It gave me back the power I had lost. Given away.
Sacrificed.
Finally, with one last and decisive suck, I decided to put Lee out of his misery once and for all. I decided to give him a chance to blow. I released him from my mouth and whispered in his ear.
"Are you ready?"
He nodded. With my fingernails, I dug into his back, definitely pulling skin like a savage, and drove him deep into my throat. I opened wide, and swallowed the huge head of his cock. It hurt slightly, but mostly tickled, as I breathed in through my nose, and let my swallowing motion massage Lee's cockhead.
And then he erupted. Like a fucking geyser, Lee let loose more cum than I had ever swallowed, right to the back of my throat. I thought I might drown as I swallowed rope after rope of his freshman load. My fingers continued to dig into him as his entire body vibrated, gyrated. His orgasm consumed him from head to toe, and I was the lucky recipient.
I couldn't imagine his girlfriend eliciting this much pleasure out of him. Or any of the other lovers he no doubt had around campus. I heeled back, swallowing hard and catching my breath. I was satisfied with myself watching him come down from the afterglow of his unloading.
This was control, I decided. Being able to do that to someone. Yes I was being jerked around professionally, societally. But behind closed doors, I was just as magnificent as I'd ever been.
And I could get myself back to the ranks I once was out there in public, I knew that for a fact. It would be a matter of time before I felt like myself again, but this was a great first step.
I stood up, licking my lips and adjusting my own boner.
"You okay?" I asked him, my voice even and nonchalant, like I hadn't just spent a half hour edging this freshman.
"Sure, yeah," Lee matched my energy. He stood and pulled up his pants.
"Is that... umm... is that everything?"
I nodded.
"You're free to go."
I watched Lee gather himself in silence, flip his hair back into place, grab his phone, and head towards the door.
"Lee," I called. "I know I'm not your Big Brother, but if you ever need to relax like that again, just let me know. We'll turn your phone off."
He nodded at me, and left in silence. I flopped onto my bed, and for the first time in a few days, I felt full and relieved.
Feeling emboldened in the moment, I decide to rip off another bandaid and make another call to Mike. I knew, like I had before, that he wouldn't answer, but my serotonin levels were high enough to give me the confidence to try him one more time.
"The person you are dialing is currently unavailable..." If only the announcer knew that everyone was currently unavailable to me at that moment. That was the sacrifice I'd made.
I put my phone away, closed my eyes for a second, and by the time I woke up, it was Sunday morning, the sun was shining through my window, and my phone was going off next to me.
"Where have you been? I've been calling you," I heard Alex's voice as I sat up to get my bearings. I was still dressed, on top of my covers, and had passed out for the entire night just like that. I yawned loudly, and answered her in a raspy voice.
"I'm here."
"Where the fuck is here? I'm on the way to your house."
"That's where I am. I'll get ready," I said, still spinning and confused. "What are we doing?"
"I got in touch with Claire and she decided we can talk to her this morning. I'm on my way to get you. Be ready."
I jumped up. With no time to think, I changed clothes into a pair of khaki corduroy and a cream sweater. I brushed past someone asleep in the hallway, and made for the bathroom. I smoothed my hair and did a quick tooth brush before lacing up some boots and heading down to the front of the frat house to meet Alex. It was times like this I wished I smoked, as I waited for her to pull up in a white Range Rover. This was it. We'd taken the story to the frat stars, and soon we'd deliver the news of what we were up to to the victim herself.
I had a pit in my stomach the size of a boulder. The fact that she agreed to meet up with us was a good sign, decidedly. She didn't have to give us that courtesy, and quite frankly, most people wouldn't have. She'd gone through a traumatic experience and for all she knew we were there to minimize it. But our article was fair. Just not in the way she would have probably liked.
The fact that she was considering taking this to an Honor Trial meant she was out for blood in the water, and we'd put in enough bleach to white wash it clean. I wouldn't have wanted to meet with the duo who was planning to do that.
"How'd you get her to meet you?" I asked a minute later as I climbed into Alexandria's car, and she sped off towards the country.
"I explained everything to her. I told her I wanted to make sure we ran a fair story, that we got an anonymous write-up, and before we run it, we wanted to talk to everyone involved."
"She thinks someone just sent it in?"
"Yeah," Alex replied, glancing over at me. "I'm not running this with a byline. It's too much. I'll take the heat for running something anonymously, but that's why we need to give everyone a chance to weigh in first. That's what I told her."
I could hear the journalistic integrity leaving Alex's body through her explanation. Her voice was thin for her. But in truth, The Founder had done stuff like this before. We towed the line a few times. My blind item about Melanie Chu wasn't the first time we'd done so, and it was part of our reputation. This was by far crossing the line, but we weren't totally new to this.
In fact, once during my sophomore year, we almost got our charter pulled by the faculty for running a `bracket' of the most awful people on campus. It was a huge attention grabber, got us a lot of new subscribers, but when the dust settled, I sat right next to Alex while the Dean chastised the shit out of her.
So seeing her nerves visibly shaken about this gave me pause. I scratched my arm nervously as we rounded the hills, and made our way back to Alex's house at The Poles.
The air was still, the fog still heavy on the ground. I didn't even know what time it was, but the campus had yet to wake up. There was already a car parked in Alex's driveway, so Alex pivoted and parked right next to it. I looked out of my window into their driver's side and saw someone I recognized as Claire Robinson.
I knew her in passing. She was my year, a Theta I believed. I was pretty sure we'd had classes together, or at least seen each other in the Business School in passing, but I wouldn't have been able to pinpoint specifically where. She was definitely familiar in the way every sorority girl in Clifton Hill was familiar.
Her face was expressionless. She was stoic without being cold. I felt like I could read in her eyes that she would have rather been anywhere but there, however, there was a strength in her gaze that told me this was the beginning of her journey.
I swallowed the lump in my throat as I jumped out of the car and followed Alex to the door. Pole Four, this particular house, was owned by Alex's sorority, and I surmised this was a safer place to discuss for everyone involved, rather than where Alex actually lived at the sorority house. Too many eyes and ears on campus, and so as I followed her up, with Claire behind me, I felt the same clandestine action as an FBI or CIA agent. Like Julia Roberts or Denzel Washington in the Pelican Brief. Like Jason Bourne.
We let ourselves in and silently sat down at the kitchen table. The house was immaculate compared to the Pole Houses owned by the guy houses where many of the parties in that area took place. The two Poles owned by the girls were pre-game spots, not party destinations, and it showed.
"Would either of you like a drink?" Alex asked quietly. Claire shook her head, and I followed suit. Alex pulled out her laptop and two sheets of paper from her Longchamp tote. She passed one sheet to Claire and one over to me, and powered up her MacBook.
This was it, I thought. I took a deep breath.
"So this is the article," Alex began. I watched Claire's eyes scan. There was a single tear in her eye, and the lump in my throat returned. I don't think I breathed once while she scanned the words on the sheet.
"Claire, take as much time as you need," Alex's voice was soft and assuring. "Believe me, we can't imagine how difficult this is for you."
She looked up and made eye contact with me first.
There was a heavy beat in the air, and then Claire hit us like a ton of bricks.
"This makes it sound like they stumbled on me. Like this was some big misunderstanding. Like they just happened upon me and bam... six men later, I was whisked away to the health center by some do-gooder knight in shiny armor. This makes it sound like..."
I took a sharp breath that sliced me open from throat to stomach. I felt my insides dissolve into nothing as she spoke. Slow, measured, each word strengthening.
"This part here. About excessive drinking on Tear Night being part of the football culture. About their rituals, and the girls that go along with it. This makes it sound like... like... I put myself in this situation with them."
"Claire-" I began, unsure what I was going to say next.
"Let me finish, please Corbin. Let me finish." Her voice was pleading, but firm.
"Run this however you want, I truly don't give a fuck anymore. They will win at trial, and they will win in the eyes of the public. Women like me stand up to them and we lose every single time. Every time. But the three of us sitting here know exactly what happened. Everyone who reads this will know what happened, and those guys will damn sure know what happened."
I took a deep breath as she paused. I felt my face flush and my eyes well up. This was the biggest sacrifice I'd made so far. Having to sit there and eat shit because of what I had agreed to. This was the part of this that, to that day, hurt me the most.
"I was just dancing. I was dancing at Phi Delt and then Ian invited me up to his brother's room. I'd had sex with him before, and if I'm honest, I wanted to have sex with him again. Who wouldn't? So I followed, thinking that was it. We were dancing, I'd have sex with him, and that was it. When we got up to his room, he offered me a drink, and I didn't think anything of it. I took my dress off, and I sat on someone's unmade bed and watched him pour the drink."
I swallowed.
"I took one sip. That's it. I took one sip, and then I knelt in front of him and started giving him head. I'm sorry, is this making you uncomfortable?" Claire asked suddenly as I took a sharp breath and sat up.
"You wrote this piece about football culture, and drinking to excess, and my explanation makes you uncomfortable? The only reason I agreed to this was so that you all would know the truth. The whole truth. To do with as you will."
"Claire-"
She cut me off again.
"I gave him head, Corbin, for maybe a minute when I felt someone behind me. I didn't even know anyone else had entered the room, but their hands were on me. I tried to pull up, but Ian is strong. Very strong, and he kept me there on him. And the hands behind me violated me before I had a chance to come up for air.
I knelt there unable to move, questioning if I wanted to, but knowing even if I did, I wasn't able to. I had gone up there to have sex with someone, so maybe I had agreed to this, right?
But I hadn't. And for some reason, I couldn't form any way to move. To get out of there. I tried, but my body didn't move. At all.
And then I felt it. I felt it happen, and I knew I didn't want it. Right then, when he entered me, I knew I wanted to be anywhere else but there. I didn't want to be there at all, and in my head I kept saying that. I kept saying stop. And it wasn't until the first, the second, the third, then Ian, then another that I realized my mind was pushing me away, pulling them off me, telling them to stop, but my body wasn't doing anything but lying there. One sip, and I was void of any control. One sip and my body couldn't do anything. I was paralyzed, and Ian knew it."
I realized I was crying. I turned and so was Alex. The only person not showing any emotion in that room was Claire. She had cried enough. This was her time to reclaim her story.
"This makes it seem like they stumbled and fell into me. But they knew. And each one of them chose. But you can't write that because you work for them. Because they have buildings named after their families. Because the faculty doesn't want a scandal on their hands, and quite frankly I wouldn't survive one. You can't write that because men like them own this school. This country."
I brushed away another tear.
"Did they ask you to pivot this away from Greek life?"
My eyes widened. How would I tell her it was my idea?
"The frats disavowed everyone involved," I choked. "And they were clear that they didn't condone that behavior."
"I'm sure they were." She folded her arms. "And the EC?"
"The EC is expelling them."
"Finally," she sighed. "It only took me threatening to go public with everyone telling me how it would ruin my life to do so."
"Claire," Alex said. "We will take another look at this and make sure there is no insinuation that this was your fault at all. None. I promise."
That's when the first tear fell out of Claire's eyes.
"You are incredibly brave, and we can't stop this train from rolling down the track. But we can contain it, and we will do everything we can to protect you."
Alex looked at me.
"I can't say I know what you're going through," I said softly. "My experience my freshman year at KA was nothing like this and even then I felt like I had no voice. No one to talk to, and even then I felt like everything happened because of something I did. I'm looking at you in awe at how brave and strong you are, and like Alex said, we will protect you."
"But you work for them," she replied. I swallowed sharply. "You can't protect me and work for them. I'll say this is better than I thought it would be, but seriously guys. They get off the hook in the name of culture, and I look like some slut who knew what she was getting into when she went upstairs and took the drink-"
She didn't finish.
For the next few minutes, Alex held Claire in silence as they both heaved for breath. We all sobbed in that moment, knowing what the truth was, but also understanding the truth that we were creating.
And by the time we left the meeting with the understanding that we would make some adjustments, all I needed was shower.
I must have set a Chi Beta shower record when Alex finally dropped me off, and I went straight to the bathroom, shed my clothes, and let the water wash over me. I tried to wash away all of my guilt and shame. I tried not to think about what the next week of my life would bring. I tried to think of the bigger picture. Of the greater good, and what I was getting out of all of this. I tried to think about the finish line, and not the hurdles I was jumping to get there.
I tried not to think about Pete and everything I was sacrificing with him. His love. His touch. His future, which had felt so promising.
I tried not to think about how selfish I was being in all of this. How disgusting. I tried to let the water wash away all of those thoughts.
But there wasn't enough Old Spice in the world to cleanse me of the knowledge of the situation I was now a part of. None.
Sacrifice.
I wanted to talk to someone. I wanted to vent about how shitty I felt. But there wasn't anyone to talk to. It was hard enough riding back with Alex. There was no way we could vent to each other without one of us taking the wheel and running her Rover over a cliff. We were both on tinder, ready to combust, as it was. And no one else could know about my involvement.
I thought about calling Pete and pleading with him, but that was such a non-starter. There was no way he would take my call, and there was no reason for him to. Ever. I knew that, as much is it hurt.
I thought about calling and venting to Chip, but I knew if I saw his face, I would instantly vomit. The fact that he was involved still hadn't settled with me. It would be a while before I would be able to look at him, let alone be alone with him. I didn't even know if I could ever touch him again.
So for the third time I called the one person who I knew wouldn't answer, who I knew couldn't judge me from where he was.
"The person you are dialing is currently unavailable..."
I hung up the phone and laid down. I couldn't do anything but wait. Alex would take the article to print along with the rest of the paper. I no longer worked for The Founder, so she would handle distribution once the final copies were delivered on Monday afternoon. By this time tomorrow, the campus would be in full scandal mode. Questions about who, what, when, and where would circle. There was no byline, so everyone knowing I worked for the paper, I anticipated receiving the third degree everywhere I went.
I closed my eyes for a second. At some point I woke up to check my phone, and replied to my pledge brothers that I didn't want to get dinner. I replied to David that I couldn't meet him before the study hall. I replied to Ben that I would talk to him later, and I replied to Alex that I was feeling fine, and just resting before tomorrow.
I didn't reply to the message Chip sent me saying thank you, and that we needed to discuss my nomination at some point in the upcoming week, as things would move fast. I didn't even want to think about that. I couldn't. The sacrifice was too great to think about the outcome just then. It felt wrong, after talking to Claire, to get excited about the Executive Council. It felt down right icky, and I wasn't ready to address it.
I closed my eyes for what felt like a second, but when I woke up with a loud bang on my door, I realized I had been asleep for several hours.
I wasn't expecting anyone, and having fallen asleep on top of my comforter in my clothes, it took me a second to catch my breath and my bearings before I crossed to my door to see who was banging so loudly. I had no clue who it was, but thought probably David coming up after their pledge line up to talk.
There was another knock, this time while I was crossing the room. Mister was already at the door, meowing at whoever was at the other side.
I scratched my eyes as I crossed to the door, and just as the person on the other side started to knock again, I opened the door.
"Hang on! I'm right here-" I started to say before locking eyes with the person on the other side of the threshold.
"Hey killer," he said. I looked at him like I was seeing a ghost. "Long time no see."
"What are you doing here?" I asked, almost short of breath.
"What do you mean?
"How... why?" I couldn't form a full sentence. He stepped in, picked up Mister who instinctively fell into his arms, and walked over to the edge of my couch, just feet into the room. I couldn't believe it, even as I turned to stare at him.
"Do you want to close the door?"
I didn't move.
"Listen, when the guy you're in love with calls you three times, you find a way to make sure everything is alright. Now close the door, and come give me a hug before I go back to the barracks."
And with that, unclear of how this was even happening, I latched my door shut, crossed the room, took Mister out of his hands and set him down on the couch. I wrapped my arms around Mike Loggerman in the biggest hug I could muster.
And without saying another word, I put my lips against his, led him backwards to my bed, and forgot about everything I had already sacrificed in order to be exactly where I was.
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