**Standard disclaimer applies. This is based on actual events, although names, places, and descriptions have changed to protect the identities of the living. Don't read if you shouldn't because you're under 18 or live in a backwards area. I appreciate any and all feedback, so please email me at jwolf24450@gmail.com. Enjoy the story!
I woke up the next morning with a sense of guilt about what I had done to Pete the night before. I kept replaying what I'd said to him over and over in my head, trying to figure out how I'd become that kind of guy. What had drawn me to make that sort of decision?
"Actually, Corb, that sounds about right up your alley," Hutch said after I told them what I'd done, breaking the silence. The guys were gathered in my room, messing with a healthier looking Mister. I could tell all of them, including Mister, were judging me.
"It isn't," I countered.
"No, really, it is! You're a bitch," Roberto said, his accent laden with judgment.
"Y'all don't get it, it was a reflex," I tried to explain. "I thought he was going to go home with her last night, so I told him what I knew."
"Wait, wait... does McKenzie really have an STD or did you make that up?" Austin asked as Mister clawed at his hair.
"I didn't make it up," I said quickly. "Chris G. really was treated at the health center for something venereal, and those two cheated on each other like every other day. Come on. She has to have something. That's not the point."
"What's the point?" Hutch asked.
"That you're an asshole," Roberto said to me, taking Mister from Austin. My cat meowed in his face, and I was proud of her.
"The point being, I shouldn't have done that, right?"
"Of course you shouldn't have," Austin replied.
"You're an asshole," Roberto repeated. I rolled my eyes.
"I get it. I'm going to burn in hell forever. Thank you, `Berto!"
"He probably shouldn't have done it," Hutch said even headedly. "But we can't really blame him for liking the guy and not wanting to see him go home with someone else. Now the real issue here, Corb, is that he was going home with a girl. You can't stop that forever..."
"And I get that," I cut him off. "I really do. I'm just not emotionally ready to let him do that... with her... right now."
"What do you have against McKenzie besides her being a Chi-O?"
The truth was nothing. I was merely angry that he liked her. It could have been any name besides hers and I would have felt the same way... and done the same thing.
"Nothing," I answered honestly.
I knew that what I was telling them was complete bullshit. I'd fucked up. I'd broken code. I'd cock blocked and that was a terrible offense. I wasn't proud of my actions, but they were done, and there was nothing I could do about it.
And as if my actions were bad relationship karma, I didn't even get to spend any quality time with Pete once we got back to the house last night. He passed out on my bed immediately, while I lay there and thought about what McKenzie Sutton must have thought went wrong. I prayed she'd never know that I had sabotaged her in the worst way possible... with an STD rumor.
"You have to tell him you were lying," Roberto advised.
"Fuck that," I countered. "Hell no! Not an option. And I wasn't lying... technically."
"You lied," Austin added.
"I would go with fudged the truth," I said. My head pounded as I watched Mister play between where Austin and Roberto sat. The guys continued to talk as I zoned out, half listening to them repeatedly call me an asshole. Eventually, the conversation shifted to Hutch and the stage-five clinger that Haley had become over the course of one week.
With classes set to start the next day, she had everyone she'd ever met convinced that she was the future girlfriend of Chad Hutchinson.
"I almost told her that I was gay last night, just so she'd leave me alone," he told the group. "I was like, get off me woman."
"But you still fucked her?" It was amazing how judgmental everything could sound with an Argentinian accent.
"What else was I gonna do?" Hutch defended. "She wasn't going to let me fuck anyone else."
"I'm ashamed of both of you." Austin shook his head.
"I'm ashamed of myself," I said slowly and quietly. I wanted them to leave so I could go back to sleep. "I just need to get over him."
And it was true. I did need to get over him. Liking a foreign exchange student was fine for O-Week, or until someone got hurt. Well, O-Week was over, and someone had just gotten hurt. It was time to cut my losses and move on.
And I was reminded just how over O-Week was as I prepared for classes to start the next morning. As hungover as I was, there was no rest. It was like everyone had saved their last minute meetings for Wednesday and because of that, I was screwed. After the guys cleared out, and I had a chance to shower, I met Alexandria for lunch to go over details of the first issue. My head was pounding as she ran through her list of writers, contributors, and editors. I listened as best I could while nursing a black coffee from Ground Zero.
"We have Mary Alice and Todd on board to copy edit."
"We also have my roommate's girlfriend if we need her," I said, trying to be helpful.
"Doesn't she edit for The Colonial?" Al's face was utter disgust.
"It's an option in case Mary Alice and Todd need help."
"We'll file that under not an option," Al snapped. I could tell the weight of the magazine was stressing her out, so I let it go. "Now, who do we have taking over the Music Mix? Everyone else has already gotten back to me."
"Someone in Sig Ep, I thought."
"Ugh... I fucking hate those indy assholes. We get it... Bon Iver sold out. Get over it."
That's how the rest of the meeting continued until we had names for each section of the magazine, and each person was contacted. Al said she'd see me at the freshman activities fair from four to six, where we'd try to drum up interest in working for the magazine and getting mommy and daddy to subscribe.
At one, I went back to the house, ate a quick sandwich, and walked in late to chapter. What had changed over the course of two days since our last meeting, I couldn't tell you. I royally zoned out while Dominic was talking, and actually think I might have achieved the rare feat of falling asleep with my eyes open.
I took a very short nap after chapter, and woke up at two-twenty to meet with my advisor. Even after three teeth brushings, I could still taste gin on my breath every time I burped into my mouth.
"Are you going to apply for my intensive next semester?"
"Of course," I said. "Any idea what the timeline looks like?"
"I'm announcing applications at the end of September, and they'll be due by mid-October, I'm thinking. I want us to have our first meeting right after the Thanksgiving holiday so that everyone is ready to go come January."
The fact that I was already planning ahead to January scared the shit out of me. It wasn't even after Labor Day yet, and I was already stressing out. Still, it felt good to have a pretty much guaranteed spot in the marketing intensive.
"Do you know anyone outside of the business school who'd be good? That maybe I should start talking to?"
"You know my friend Helen, right?" I said. "She's a senior, but she'd be awesome. Broadcast major. Really smart. Really pretty. She has theater experience if we decide to film a commercial or something."
"I'll keep her in mind."
"And there's an exchange student that was asking me about details," I said. "Keep him in mind too. Peter Davis. From England. He'd be a good planner or creative, I feel."
She made a quick note. Brown and I shot the shit for a little longer, set my four semester plan for the next two years, and then I left.
After meeting with Brown, I went straight to the freshmen activities fair, where impressionable youth signed their lives away to whatever extracurricular activity had the cutest table. I hated having to man The Founder table because the magazine had two functions that afternoon: attracting writers and signing readers. It wasn't enough that we had to convince every freshman to swipe home a year's subscription on their parent's account... we also had to assess which ones looked like they had a point of view they could jot down on paper.
I also spent time at The Fancy Ball Committee table, an organization that got a heap of money from the school every year to put on a glorified prom. I was all but guaranteed a committee chair seat, so I swung by to assess the freshman talent pool with the other senior members.
My hangover boiled over in the afternoon heat as I tried to keep it together between swigs of water which, for the first time since stepping on campus, wasn't laced with vodka.
I went home at six and ate a quick dinner before going upstairs and enjoying some alone time for the first time that day. I was surprised I hadn't heard from Pete at all that day. I was getting used to at least texting with him throughout the day, but for some reason he was silent.
In my paranoia, I thought maybe he'd found out that what I told him the night before was bullshit. Maybe he'd asked McKenzie and she'd denied having an STD, or knowing Chris G. at all. It was a tall tale, accusing someone of carrying a venereal disease, and I wasn't sure how I'd get away with it.
I got home around seven and fought the urge to go to bed. Instead, I got my laptop out to start on the column piece that Alexandria expected in her inbox in less than twenty-four hours.
Deciding what to write about in my column each week was more difficult than anyone imagined. I stared at a blank word document for ten minutes, putting my fingers on my keypad every few seconds before taking them off and reaching another blank.
What could I write about? What sage relationship advice did I have to give? I was sitting there, a week into a love affair with a guy that I couldn't have. Who was I to dole out an opinion? I was at a loss for myself, and at a bigger loss for all of my readers.
After fifteen minutes of mulling it over, I finally went with a simple question.
What do you do when you're into someone you can't have?
I spent the next two hours and three hundred words breaking down the different kinds of impossible relationships. I talked about the friend zone. I talked about being in love with a friend's ex. The article was focused in that it dealt with forbidden loves. Impossible crushes. Guys like Pete and Mike that were around... but were never really there. It was broad, but it was a perfect reflection of my first week back.
I finished and sent it to Alexandria, Mary Alice, and Todd for them to clean up. I was glad to have that over with, and even if it was a little pedestrian for the first issue, it was done, and I was over it.
I had been invited to a couple of last minute kick-backs that night. My friends at River Four were hosting a keg finishing party before classes started. Instead of going out, I decided to stay in and hang out with my pledge class. I wasn't in the best of moods, and I felt like no one besides the guys that had to would want to deal with me.
It started off as a routine night. Austin and Roberto dominated the Beirut table early on. I hopped on with Brian as my partner, who wasn't with Catherine for the first time in a few days, and broke their streak. For a while, it was just my class and a couple of the sophomores hanging out.
At about eleven, Hutch had the bright idea to call over some freshmen, even though the consensus had been that tonight was going to be a brother bonding night.
"Fuck that," I spoke out, rinsing cups for my next game with Brian. "If freshmen are coming over, I'm going out. I thought we were all bonding tonight."
"We are bonding," Brian said. "Think of it as bonding with current brothers as well as future brothers."
"Or leeches that are going to drink us out of house and home and end up pledging Lambda anyway," I retorted. I shook off a solo cup and huffed back into the game room.
By the time we got the next game set up, Hutch's work had been accomplished. I watched as David Marcossi, Lee, and Brandon all filed into the game room and cracked open obligatory beers.
I wasn't opposed to having freshmen there hanging out. The reason I was pissy was because I knew our lives would revolve around freshmen for the rest of the term. And after that semester, freshmen would be the center of our lives during pledgeship. It wouldn't be until next March that a day wouldn't go by that a frosh didn't come up. I just wanted one night of peace before the semester really started.
If I'm being completely honest, I was also apprehensive about seeing Lee. I hadn't seen him since our walk home from Amanda's the day before. It wasn't as if I was uncomfortable around him or didn't want to see him for any specific reason. I just wasn't sure where we stood, and I wasn't in the mood to spend that night figuring it out. Until I was sure what either of us wanted, I thought it might be best to keep our distance.
I managed to play it cool for most of the night. Brian and I ran the table for a couple of hours, until he excused himself just before midnight to go to Catherine's.
"I guess I'll head to bed too," I said as the other team stood up to take their place. I was tired, I had class in the morning, and it was the perfect time to hang up the ping pong balls.
"You can't dip out now," Austin chastised. "You're on a roll. Just find another partner."
I've never been one to need much convincing to continue drinking.
"Fine. Who doesn't have a partner?" I asked the room. I regretted it as soon as I said it.
"Hutch went to bed, so I'm free," Lee said behind me. He stood up before I had any time to object. Of course Hutch went to bed. It was just my luck. I couldn't say anything once he was standing next to me, so I reluctantly scooted over and started arranging cups.
Lee must have picked up on my snippy mood because just as we were about to shoot the first ball, he put his hand on the small of my back and whispered in my ear, "Are you mad at me?"
"Of course not," I replied. I wasn't pissed off at him by any means. I wasn't pissed off at all. I was just reluctant to flirt with a guy I knew would be walking home to one of my friends afterwards. What was the point of engaging? And when I wasn't engaged, some would describe my demeanor as bitchy.
"Okay, good," he whispered, leaning into me and sending his ball shooting across the table.
By that point in the night, I'd played almost ten games of pong, and therefore was feeling very very drunk. Austin and Roberto were tipsy as well, but Lee seemed to be standing fine on his two feet. I air balled my first attempt, bricked my second, and finally made a cup after the fourth outing. By then, it was already almost over.
Austin sank a cup, putting them at three cups to go. Lee and I still had seven.
"We're gonna lose this," I slurred.
"We can rally," Lee said. He looked down at me and gave me an encouraging smile. I blinked slowly, turned, and shot my ball straight into one of the other guy's cups.
"Fuck yea!" Lee shouted. Out of reflex I'm assuming, he side hugged me and gave me a slap on the ass. I awkwardly stepped away from him and calmed down the excitement.
"Balls back, bitches," I said to Austin.
"Oh, I'm sure they are," he said, rolling the balls back with an unmistakable look on his face. I turned away quickly, but not before I saw him smile to himself. He enjoyed making me squirm, I could tell.
We both made the next two cups, pulling us within one of the other guys.
"Okay, Corbs," Lee said encouraging me as I raised my arm to shoot. "You've got this."
I looked at him.
"You go first." I stepped away from the table to regroup. He shot the ball and it whizzed right in. The game was tied.
"If you make this buddy..." he cocked his eyes at me. His voice was low and sexy, and I knew the others across the table wondered what he'd whispered. I smiled at him beside myself, amused at how into this game he was. I knew what he was implying, but I didn't let it phase me. It took two to tango, and I was over his tango.
I shot the ball. It bounced off one cup and dropped into another. We celebrated. We jumped. He hugged me.
And then we lost. Austin and Roberto both made their cups. On balls back, they shot and made the last cup. I was too drunk to focus during redemption, and after we both missed, Lee and I were forced to pack.
I was really tired, still extremely hungover from the day before, and not looking forward to dragging my ass out of bed for class the next morning.
"Alright, assholes, goodnight," I slurred. I walked out into the hallway, and as I closed the door behind me, it was stopped by a large hand.
"Mind if I join you out here?" Lee asked.
"It's a free country," I replied, determined not to flirt back with him and give him the wrong idea. Until I figured out what was happening with him and Steph, I wasn't going to be a part of it. And until I figured out what was going on with me and Pete, I didn't need him inside my head.
"I'm tired, but I'm not ready to go to bed," he said. "I thought maybe you wanted to hang out."
He cocked his head to the side and bit his bottom lip at me. This kid couldn't be subtle if you paid him.
"I'm really sleepy," I said. "And I have class tomorrow. I should really..."
Before I could finish saying anything, Lee reached down and put his hands just inside of my pants. Right there, in the hallway.
"Come on... just for a little while."
It was then, after the skin to skin contact, that my male dominance surfaced. Who could say no to that? No matter what the circumstance, a guy willingly throws himself at you, and it's hard to resist.
"For a little while," I slurred.
He followed me into my bedroom and as soon as the door was closed, he pinned me to my wall and laid in a kiss. I'm usually a very passionate guy. When it comes to making out, I can tongue wrestle with the best of them.
But for whatever reason, that night, I wasn't totally into it. Lee was a good kisser, if not overly enthusiastic. And he didn't waste any time in squeezing my cock firmly through my shorts. And even though I reacted in kind, I didn't reciprocate the way that Lee deserved me to. My mind was in a different place, specifically on someone else, and I kept getting flashes of Steph Doleman's disapproving face.
I pushed him back.
"I'm sorry dude. Let's call it a night," I whispered.
"Is everything okay?" he asked.
"No, everything is fine. I'm just... I dunno. I'm not feeling it tonight," I explained. I didn't want to say anything definite that would shut us off forever. There was a chance I'd want to hangout down the line, when things weren't so cloudy for both of us. But that night, I couldn't shake the feeling that I wasn't feeling it at all.
"Is it `cause of that British guy that you were talking to the other night?"
The question hit me like a slap to the face. How'd he even remember that? How did Pete fit into this equation at all? The British guy was the guy, if I remembered correctly. Lee was the backup guy. The backup guy wasn't allowed to be jealous of the guy.
"No, it has nothing to do with that... him. I just... I'm tired. I have class, and I dunno... I just..."
"Is it `cause of what I said about Steph?"
"Dude, I'm sorry. Just... next time, okay?"
"Yeah," he said, looking somewhat down. I felt sort of bad, but if I wasn't into him like that, there was no use stringing him along just for a blowjob. It would have been worse to hook up with him that night and then given him the cold shoulder. He's the one that wanted to explore his options. I was making those options fairly easy for him.
"Corbin, I don't know what I want," he turned and said to me as I was getting ready to close my door. His face was serious and his eyes were intense.
"Huh?" my head was blurry and I wanted to be horizontal. The next day was going to be super long and I wasn't interested in playing Oprah Winfrey to a guy with too many feelings.
"I just... I want to go hang out with Steph. But I want to stay here and hang out with you. I'm just... I'm confused."
"They call that confusion bisexuality," I said, emphasizing the last word. "It's the last stop before Gaytown. Hang out at that stop for a while. Goodnight."
I tried to close my door again, but Lee put his strong hand on the wood and kept it open.
"What if I never make a decision?" he asked. I was getting annoyed by Lee and this situation. Part of me felt bad for him, sure. It must have been tough going through what he was going through. But the other part of me didn't want to shoulder the responsibility of stringing him through it.
"Lee, buddy, I'm really sorry. But you can't stay here tonight, okay? If you did, you'd wake up even more confused, and that wouldn't be fair to you. Go home and sleep on it. You have your whole life to make this decision, and no one is rushing you. Steph Doleman, me, some other girl or guy... no one is rushing you, okay?"
He nodded. I was proud of myself for doing what I believed to be the adult thing. I didn't give in to any sexual impulse. I gave the freshman strong, solid advice, and I was pretty sure I'd opened my door for him to trust me as a friend, even if we weren't going to be fuck buddies.
"Goodnight," he said, sounding down but not dejected.
"Goodnight," I replied. I closed the door and went to sleep.
When Old Dominion was founded, certain traditions were established and upheld. One of those traditions was a Chapel ceremony to start every academic year. Although the university itself had no religious affiliation, as a symbol of the Christian ideals that framed our nation, OD upholds that tradition still today.
As such, the first day of school was on a ceremony schedule, meaning morning classes started earlier to accommodate Chapel at 11.
I breezed through syllabus and policy talks in my morning accounting and ethics courses, and then met up with Hutch, Austin, and Roberto to walk to chapel. By the time we got there at a quarter till, the cornerstone of campus was packed with students and faculty, all dressed in chapel attire which forbade denim and required a jacket for men and the equivalent for ladies.
"I don't know why we have to fucking come to this every year," Hutch complained on our way down the hill. I felt my stomach vibrate, as I'd skipped breakfast in order to iron my shirt instead. "The president says the same damn thing each time."
"It's a tradition, asshole. And you don't have to come." Austin was the first to defend the tradition. Attendance may not have been mandatory, but most students thought it was bad luck to skip. I knew one guy that didn't go our sophomore year, and he ended up transferring out midway through second semester due to a `mental breakdown'.
"I'm not ending up like Andy Bittinger," Hutch countered sulkily. We found enough seats for the four of us on the balcony level. The floorboards creaked as we climbed the stairs to the ancient chapel. A few minutes later, a special quartet sang `Oh, Shenandoah' to kick off the ceremony.
As President Price made his address, declaring this year the best of any year he's seen, I scanned the room for the who's who of Old Dominion. Several Kappas, all dressed in Lily Pulitzer held down most of the first few rows. It was part of their southern charm to show off their designer dresses at church functions.
I scanned the room for Pete, but didn't catch a glimpse of him anywhere. Instead, my eye fell on the second row across from us, on the other side of the balcony. I spotted Amanda sitting next to Steph, and on Steph's other side, holding her hand, was Lee.
Roberto must have caught me staring, because a minute later he whispered: "What are you looking at, Maricon?"
He followed my eyes.
"Huh?"
"Is that your boy with Steph?"
I nodded.
"Are you okay?"
I was fine. I nodded again, convincingly. I didn't care who Lee sat with or held closely. I was just surprised to see him there with her, especially after last night. This is not what I had meant by `take your time'.
"I'm just surprised, that's all," I whispered to Roberto. "He wanted to hook up last night, and now he's super cozy with her."
"I told you not to mess with freshmen."
"You're the one who told me to mess with him!" I snapped under my breath. The people in our vicinity clearly heard me. I shuffled in my seat, and focused on the ceremony.
As it ended, and the student body filed out onto the long expansive lawn that led from the chapel to the colonnade, I tried to make a quick getaway back to the house as to avoid running into anyone I didn't want to see who might be holding hands with a freshman. I was still in a foul mood, and it was only growing worse. I wasn't sure what I might say if I was forced to stop and talk to anyone.
My luck, of course, couldn't be that good.
"Hello Mr. Crowley," Dean Watson said behind me as I turned left onto the walkway that led back to Chi Beta.
"Hello, Dean," I turned and smiled. I offered her a hand.
"It's good to see you back this year," she said warmly. "Can we expect some big things out of you and The Founder Magazine?"
"Of course you can," I said.
"And everything at Chi Beta going well?"
"We're coming off a slow start because of last year, but we plan to bounce back responsibly," I answered diplomatically. Now was not the time to schmooze it up with the Dean. Now was the time to get out of dodge. "In fact, I was going to try and set up a meeting with the new Dean of Greek Life, if maybe you can assist me with that."
"Of course. I'll give his office a call this afternoon. It's good to see you, Corbin, and I look forward to maybe catching some tennis with you this year. My husband is looking forward to it as well."
"Good to see you too, Dean," I said. I shook her hand again, and turned. I hoped to get far enough away from Chapel before anyone else stopped and recognized me.
"Hey Corb," the voice was familiar. I turned slowly and came face to face with Steph, Amanda, and Lee. I smiled warmly.
"Hey guys, didn't see you there," I said. "How was the first day?"
"We're only halfway through," Steph answered. "I have back to back English classes this afternoon."
"I hate that for you," I said, trying not to be awkward. "But I really have to get back to the house. I have a meeting for the Founder in an hour and I haven't napped or eaten yet, so..."
I turned to make my escape. I heard Lee say something to the girls about having a question about rush. A second later, his hand landed on my shoulder.
"Can we talk?" he asked. I stopped walking, turned to him, and raised my eyebrows.
"Sure," I said evenly.
"I talked to Steph last night," he said nonchalantly.
"Of course you did," I squinted. I marveled at how quickly this kid moved. Classic freshman behavior... there was no such thing as a tomorrow in their world.
"I just want to make sure that you and I are cool, you know? Put everything from O-week behind us."
"Okay," I forced a smile.
"Okay," he said. "Are we cool?"
"We're cool," I assured with wide eyes, trying my best to, in fact, be cool.
"You sound a little upset."
"I'm not upset at all-"
"Look, last night, you're the one who..."
"-But I am a little surprised in light of last night that you already have a girlfriend," I continued, not giving him a chance edgewise. "This is not what I meant when I told you to sleep it over."
"You gave me that little speech yesterday, and I think you're right," he said. "I just want to make sure I give all of my options a proper chance."
"And that's totally fine, Lee, it really is," I said earnestly.
"Okay, perfect," he replied. "So I can count on you not to say anything about us this past week?" I suddenly saw red. That's the moment I snapped on the freshman Lee. Who the fuck did he think I was? Some blabber mouth that would go broadcasting to one of my good friends that I'd sucked her boyfriend's cock. For the love of God, every time we'd talked about it, it was him who had brought it up.
I had grown extremely annoyed. Whereas, I would have walked away and let it all go, filed Lee under O-Week mistakes, at that point, I was verging on upset.
"Lee, what exactly do you think I plan on doing?"
"Nothing," he replied quickly. "It's just, I dunno... I don't want anything negative about me to get around."
"Listen here, kiddo," I said, taking a step towards him. "Hooking up with me isn't something negative, so get over yourself. If you want to date Steph, then do it. You'll have no problems from me. But trust me when I say that things like this tend to get out, especially when you drunkenly try to push your way into my bedroom at night. And when they do inevitably get out, I tend to look out for yours truly. So your secret is as safe with me as it can be, but the second your new girlfriend finds out that you're a dirty cocksucker, you're on your own. Capiche?"
"Corbin, I-"
"No, no... that's it. Now give me a handshake and get back to your girlfriend."
Lee shook my hand. I could tell he was nervous. He should have been. If he was so worried about Steph finding out about us, why was he making such a big deal about it. I was annoyed at him for following me out anyway, for forcing my hand, and for goading me into getting aggressive. This could have been buried and gone with no one getting hurt, but he insisted on drawing it out.
As I walked home, I weighed whether or not hooking up with Lee had been worth it. I'd done it to get Pete off my mind, but he was clearly still very much in there. I couldn't shake Pete no matter how I tried, and now I had a freshman psychopath to deal with as retribution.
Looking back, part of me wished I could take that hookup with Lee back altogether. It wasn't worth it, I decided. And it was starting to seem like more trouble than it was worth.
I went through the motions for the rest of the day, purposefully avoiding any conversations with people. Over the course of two years, I had mastered the Bitch Face that repelled most level headed people from approaching.
By the time I was done with class at four, I was beat. I took a long nap and woke up to the guys sitting around, tossing a ball in the great hall.
"Hey there, sleepy," Hutch said as I groggily made my way down the stairs.
"Hey dopey," I answered. I sat down on the ground between the four of them, and got ready to hear the shots.
"So you peaced out of the Chapel today. What was the deal?" `Roberto asked, holding an apple and taking obnoxious bites.
"Nothing, I just didn't feel like seeing anyone."
"You ran out of there like you owed someone money," Brian chimed in with his two cents.
I shrugged.
"It's `cause the frosh is dating Steph Dole," Roberto said.
"Ohh..." came from Austin.
"That makes total sense now," Hutch said.
"That's not why I left so quickly."
"Really? It isn't?" Roberto said. I forgot that he'd been sitting next to me when I noticed Steph and Lee together to begin with.
"No it isn't."
"Wait," Hutch asked. "Are you jealous?"
"Hell no, I'm not jealous," I croaked.
"It sort of seems like you're jealous," Austin chimed in.
"It's okay to be jealous," Roberto chewed.
"I'm not jealous," I said. "I could care less who he dates. It's just, he came into my room last night and wanted to smash, and then all of a sudden, twelve hours later, he's dating Steph Doleman? It doesn't add up."
"Classic jealous," Hutch said, throwing the ball across the room at Brian.
"I'm not jealous. I just don't get it. And when I don't get things, it aggravates me."
"Why are you even still hooking up with him?" Roberto asked. "I thought you really liked the Brit."
"I do like the Brit," I started. I stopped short. "Wait. Wait a second. Aren't you the one who told me to hook up with Lee in the first place? I think your exact words were `you can't chase a British guy forever.'"
"Those were my words. But that's before I realized how much you liked the Brit. I thought he was another crush of the week, but apparently he's not."
"Oh? So that changes things?"
"It changes everything," Brian said reasonably.
"Explain. Please."
"If you were merely crushing on the Brit, then a palette cleanse could work. You hook up with someone else and those crushing feelings don't seem so intense anymore. But since you actually like the Brit, as we've come to discover, a palette cleanse will only make you feel like shit."
It sounded reasonable, and as I digested what he was saying it, I took it down and bought it. Maybe I was acting sour towards Lee because I was pissed off my plan to forget about Pete hadn't worked. Maybe I was upset that I'd lowered myself to sleep with Lee and to no avail.
I shook my head. It wasn't just that.
"That doesn't explain why Lee is suddenly dating Steph."
"I don't have the answer to that one," Brian said, tossing the ball to Roberto.
"Y'all are useless," I said, standing up. I was tired, cranky, and hungry, and I headed downstairs to the kitchen to fix one of those ailments. "I'm glad my lack of a love life is so amusing to you assholes."
I went through the same routine the next day, waking up and going to class, half listening to each professor's grading rubric and expectations, and mulling through the day. I wasn't until Friday afternoon, when I poured myself a five o'clock somewhere that I got to sit back and reflect on a long week.
So much had happened, and yet I had very little to show for it. I'd fallen for a British exchange student, and I'd fallen hard. I wanted him. And I'd lowered myself so low because I couldn't have him. I had lied about poor innocent slutty McKenzie Sutton. I had slept with a frosh. I had stopped eating carbs.
And yet he wasn't any bit closer to liking me as more than just a friend. I decided while I nursed my cocktail through a shower and getting dressed that I needed to hang out with him as friends, and really just be his friend. I needed to be his wingman, his support system, a guy he could trust. I could do the friend thing with him, now that I was fully aware that he would never want me.
And so I called him.
"Hey, killer, what are you up to?"
"Just lazing around," he answered. "And yourself?"
"Feeding my cat. Just showered."
"Oh yeah?" he asked. I could almost picture him with his eyebrows raised, wondering if I was still in a towel.
"Yessir. Are you going out tonight?"
"Yeah," he answered. "There's a party at Amanda's, I thought I'd go hang out."
"Oh, that'll be fun," I said, leaving the door open for an invitation.
"Yeah, I think so. She's pretty adamant about me going." I narrowed my eyes and wondered why.
"Did she say why?" I asked.
"I don't know. Probably to show me off to some of her friends," he joked. I didn't laugh. He was probably right. It was right up Amanda's ally to parade a guy she liked around her friends. Better yet, if she didn't like him, she was probably trying to set him up with a stupid fucking Pi Beta Phi. I felt myself verge towards the angry Corbin I'd been the other night, and I checked myself before I got there.
"Well you should go and be paraded," I said, matter-of-factly. I could have won a fucking Oscar at how cool I was playing it.
"What are you going to do?" Play it cool, play it cool. I could tell him I was going to Amanda's too, even though I had no such intension. I could make up some fantastic plan of action to make my night sound glam and fun. Or I could play it cool.
"What are you doing tomorrow?" I asked instead of answering his question. It was the best I could do.
"As in..."
"To tailgate? For the football game?"
"Oh... um. I'm not sure. I know I'm supposed to be going to a cocktail party at halftime. I didn't know we were drinking before the game as well."
"Yeah," I said. "It's tradition to go to a tailgate before the game, and then to a cocktail party at one of the sororities during half time. If you make it through the game sober, you've lost. We should tailgate tomorrow morning."
"Alright then. If I don't see you tonight, I'll see you then."
I hung up with a sigh. I lay back on my bed and stroked Mister as I thought about what to do that night. I didn't want to go to Amanda's because I knew he'd be there and it would look like I just went to see him... Plus Lee and Steph would be there, canoodling and holding hands, and I wasn't prepared to vomit.
I didn't want to stay home because I knew, eventually, everyone at Amanda's would come to Chi Beta. I would face the same issue, plus they would all think I was lame for staying in.
I wasn't really in the mood to go out, as there was no one I was interested in seeing much. I could have gotten lost at a party in town or out in the country, but that would have required a ton of energy and even more alcohol.
I was over everyone at OD and so I did what I always did when I was over Old Dominion.
"Hey Mikey," I said into my phone. "What are you doing tonight?"
"Nothing, man. Just chilling at my friend John's house. Playing my guitar."
"Sounds hot," I said as flirtatiously as possible.
"It is hot," he said. "That's why I'm just in my boxers."
"Woof," I replied. "Your friend John doesn't mind you running around in just your boxers?"
"Naw, John's cool. And John has watch duty today anyway."
"When are you going back to the barracks?"
"I move in Sunday," he replied. He paused, waiting for me to answer. I didn't say anything. Instead, I was waiting for the invitation. When it didn't come, I pressed on.
"I want to see you."
"Oh yeah," he said. Was he determined to make me beg him to see me? He was my only hope of having a somewhat enjoyable night, so I wasn't afraid to look pushy.
"Yeah," I offered shortly. I sprawled out on my bed, already getting turned on just from talking to him.
"You want to hang out at your place?"
"I'd prefer not to. You said your friend John is on watch, right?"
"Yeah."
"Until when?"
"Five a.m. It's a twelve hour shift."
"Well then there we go," I said. "There's a lot we can accomplish before five a.m."
I heard a discordant note play on the guitar.
"I can come pick you up, I guess," he said. "But then I'd have to bring you back."
I sighed. "Okay. If you don't want to, that's fine."
"I want to, Corbin, trust me. I haven't seen you in forever."
"Alright then, get in your little Jeep and come get me," I said. There wasn't another option laid out there. If he wanted to see me, he would. I'd put my cards out on the table, and now it was time for Mike the Cadet to play his hand.
"Okay. I'll leave Lexington after a quick shower. I'll be there in thirty," he said.
Half an hour and one shower later, I crept down our fire escape, and hopped into Mike's Grand Cherokee without telling anyone where I was going.
"So what do I owe this pleasure to?" he asked as he sped down the freeway towards the little town on the Appalachian Trail.
"What do you do mean?"
"I mean, you're just calling me out of nowhere," he said. "You usually get really pissed when I don't call you first."
"I don't get pissed," I defended.
"You do."
"If you know I get pissed, then why don't you call me?" I asked, intending it to be a joke. I could tell by his face that he felt somewhat guilty. I knew our relationship was complicated, and the last thing either of us needed was to feel bad about it.
"How was your summer?" I asked quickly, changing the subject.
"It was good. I told you about my dad and the Porsche, right?"
"Yeah. That's pretty cool."
"Yeah. If I graduate, it's mine."
"Are you set to graduate this year?"
"Hopefully," he said. "Although, I've been talking to my wrestling coach. He thinks if I stay on another year and use my last year of eligibility, I could go really far in the NCAA tournament."
"You'd go to school for a fifth year just so you can compete?"
"Yeah," he said, as if I was being totally ridiculous. I wasn't. He couldn't wrestle somewhere else? And since when was rolling around an actual NCAA sport? I was baffled.
We small talked the rest of the way to John's apartment just outside of Lexington proper. It was in a subdivision I didn't remember being there last time I'd come down to see Mike.
"This is a nice place," I said, looking around the efficiency. It was sparsely decorated, but impeccably neat. I guess the habits of living in the barracks died hard for guys like Mike and John. "Is he gonna care that we..."
"That we what?" Mike asked. I always waited until it was painfully obvious what he wanted before I did anything. There were times when Mike and I would go into it seamlessly. We'd do whatever. He'd try different things on me. He'd push his boundaries. Then there were times when all he wanted to do was talk and anytime I tried to touch him, he'd shift aside.
I stood there just inside his friend's doorway and put a hand on his stomach.
"Hard isn't it?" he smiled.
"Very. Sexy," I whispered. I lifted his shirt up, and as my hand made contact with his abs, I felt him gasp in for breath. I slowly lowered myself onto my knees and kissed his stomach. I looked up at him to gauge his reaction. He closed his eyes, and I went a bit lower.
I traced my way to the top ridge of his running shorts and lowered them slowly. I felt Mike tense up, but not in a skittish way like he did sometimes. It was in a sexy way.
"I've missed you, Corb," he whispered. As soon as he said it, I pulled his shorts down aggressively, and dove in.
Mike's body was to die for, I can't lie. It made up for his pedestrian face, and his very normal endowment. I wasn't a size queen by any measure, and so I happily took what Mike had to offer and sucked it down.
For a guy like Mike, dominance is everything. He enjoyed making me feel like sucking his dick was a favor to me. I enjoyed it, don't get me wrong, but having to suck someone who barely reacted wasn't my favorite.
And so I worked hard to elicit a reaction. Kneeling there, as Mike stood above me, I sucked him in deeply, going to town on the knob at the top of his cock. I counted two involuntary moans before Mike really took to my mouth, and started fucking my face like a pro.
I was ready for him to come long before he actually did. I pulled on his balls, and sucked in deep and hard on his cock. Every time I felt him near the edge, I'd redouble my efforts, but Mike would pull back, breath in, and bring himself back down.
On the fourth time, I decided I wouldn't let him do that. With Mike sitting now, holding onto my ears and pounding up and down like my face was an American pie, I pushed all the way down on his cock and kept my head there. I sucked in as hard as my sore jaw would allow. I felt Mike try to pull me off, but I didn't let him. My mouth was a hoover fucking dam, and I stayed on to catch all of the spillage.
It was an unspoken rule that had been there between us since the first time Mike loosened up and let me suck his cock. The sight of cum was unacceptable. If you sucked Mike the Cadet, you swallowed Mike the Cadet. And so I did. And I didn't mind it.
I rinsed my mouth out and joined Mike on his friend John's couch, lying behind him and stroking his shoulders. He'd already pulled his guitar out and was plucking away at chords I was sure didn't exist.
"So what's new with you, kiddo?" Mike asked, sounding genuinely interested. I wasn't sure if Mike knew how close I felt to him in those moments, but if he didn't he was an idiot.
"Not much," I replied. "Just O-Week. Getting ready for school."
"Another busy year for you?" he asked. It was a real question, because Mike was a real guy. He knew how involved I was, and how overwhelming things became, mostly because I only contacted him when things were particularly overwhelming.
"It looks like it might be," I replied. "But we'll see."
"You're ready for it," he said. He flexed, and relaxed into me. I felt my pelvis rub up against his back as he stretched, and for a second, my cock got harder than it already was.
"Any catches on the love pipeline?" he asked.
"Why are you asking me that?"
"I dunno. Just curious. Are there any guys that deserve your attention?"
I knew it wasn't a malicious question. Mike didn't have a jealous bone in his body, probably because he knew that he had me whenever he wanted me.
"I don't know," I answered.
"That means there is someone."
"Not really. I mean, there's someone that I like, I guess."
"Oh yeah? Is he cute?" he didn't sound threatened at all.
"He's English. And cute. Really cute."
"Ouch."
"You wanted to know," I answered, not taking his jealousy seriously. A guy like Mike didn't get jealous, and that was one of his charms. He knew I'd be back eventually, so he never chased me. He never had to. "He's not as cute as you."
"Liar," Mike said flippantly. "If he's so cute, why are you here with me instead of with him?"
"Because... he doesn't realize he likes me yet," I joked.
"Oh, confident."
"It worked with you, buddy. It took you a year and a half to realize you liked me."
"Who said I do?"
"Rude," I said, hitting him across the shoulder.
"If he doesn't like you, he's an idiot. I've told you a million times I would never be like this with anyone else." And it was true. I'd heard it out of Mike's mouth more times than I could count. He constantly reminded me that I was an exception to a very straight rule. The only thing was, I couldn't figure out why. Was it because I had liked Mike enough to wear him down? Had my persistence been a turn on? Or did my confidence make him curious? If I could figure out what it was that drew in the Cadet, I might be able to use that skill to finagle the Brit.
"Either he's the idiot, or I am," I said softly. Mike leaned back and rested his head on my lap. He looked up at me with big eyes.
"He's the idiot, Killer. Trust me."
A second later, he sprang up, pulled his shorts back on and grabbed his ball cap and keys.
"You ready to go back to campus?" he asked as if the taste of his semen wasn't still on my mouth.
It was like that with Mike. There was a complete contrast with him sometimes. He was either really sensitive, supportive, and tender. Or he was distant, as if we weren't really that close at all. It confused the daylights out of me, and it was why I was starting to keep him at arm's length.
Still, Mike was the perfect release when I needed to get off the cobblestone steps of Old Dominion. He was a good break for me, if nothing more. I had to physically remind myself, however, that that was all he was and nothing more. I couldn't let myself dip too far into a guy like Mike because I knew what was waiting for me at the bottom...
"Mike, are you gonna get married one day? To a chick?" I asked as we rounded the big hills of the Appalachian Trail.
"What do you mean?"
"Like, even after doing all of this with me and what you know about yourself... do you still think you'll marry a girl?"
"Yeah," he replied without hesitation.
"Why is that?"
He took a second to look at me before he answered.
"Not everyone is like you, Corbin. Some of us are... we aren't... we didn't grow up sure, okay? Just because I let myself go for you doesn't mean that's what I want for my life."
"I get that, but won't you always find something lacking?"
"What do you mean?"
"Missing. Won't something always be missing?"
"I don't think so. I've always imagined myself settling down with a beautiful wife with blonde hair and huge tits. Kids. A yard in the suburbs with a fence that gets painted every year and grass that gets mowed every Sunday. I want pool parties and a big TV to watch the Superbowl with my buddies. I just... I don't see that all happening if I end up with a dude, you know?"
I didn't answer. I didn't know how to. It made perfect sense. Just because I liked Mike, or Pete for that matter, didn't mean I could force them to choose a life I'd chosen. I didn't for one second believe that that being gay was a choice. That would be absurd. But what was a choice was choosing what to do with it. I didn't agree with what Mike had chosen, but I had to respect it. I had no choice.
And when I got back to campus, safely tucked away in my bed with my cat, I couldn't help but wonder if that was Pete's dilemma as well. Was he afraid to act on his instincts, simply because he dreamed of a big TV and picket fence?
Fuck picket fences, I thought as I fell asleep. A picket fence can't keep me warm at night.
As always, all feedback is greatly appreciated. Email me at
jwolf24450@gmail.com. Thanks!