So I was cleaning up and found the beginning of this, the final chapter. I figured it's been long enough and I might as well finish. So here it is. The time away did allow me to add some closure, so it isn't all that bad. Thanks to everyone who read The Fantasy and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, even though it took me three years to finish!
This is a mostly true story involving sexual situations between two women. If you have a problem with this or shouldn't be reading, please don't. All names have been changed. Neither "Jackie" nor I originally wrote the stuff in the letter, although we wish we did. That was Tegan & Sara.
Jackie and I continued our relationship through the end of the school year. We ended up being really good for each other. Almost every day, baring homework, I would go with Jackie on her runs, either riding my bike or rollerblading. I noticed a marked improvement in my health. She got me to mostly quit smoking. It was hard at times but since she wouldn't kiss me if I smelled like smoke, I quickly learned to cut back. I started dragging her to the bar on Fridays. She was uncomfortable at first but warmed up to my friends when she saw how fun they could be. We never lasted very late. Neither of us really drank that much but once she had a few drinks in her Jackie became pretty frisky. The normal Friday routine was to start at one of the bars farthest from campus and move closer, stopping at two more before the end of the night. It wasn't often that Jackie and I made it to the final bar. She would flash me a quick look or wink and we'd just keep walking to my apartment before the last stop. Kelly didn't come home on most Friday nights and if she did, her and Joe were doing the same things we were. Well, not the same, but you get my drift.
We were able to keep our relationship on the down low with the exception of Kelly and Joe. I knew Kelly didn't care and, surprisingly, Joe thought we were "cute". His words, not mine. When Jackie, Joe and I were at the apartment and Kelly was not, he would ask for tips on to make Kelly happy. We explained the importance of doing little things out of the blue and catching her by surprise. Kelly had commented on how attentive Joe was being and I don't think she realized Jackie and I were helping him. That is until the time we gave him instructions as to how to please her orally. We got busted, but Kelly wasn't complaining too much.
As the end of the year drew closer, Jackie and I spent most of our waking hours together. We studied in her room and stayed there on school nights and spent the weekends doing fun things together and sleeping at my place. It got to the point where I missed her when we didn't stay together and I knew this was no good since we would soon be going our separate ways. During the last week of school we decided to have the serious talk about the future that we had been avoiding.
"I don't even want to talk about this. I can't imagine leaving you and it makes me feel sick every time I think about it." She was beginning to get tears in her eyes as we sat on her bed. She couldn't even look at me. "What's the point in talking about it, it's still going to hurt just as much when we have to say goodbye."
I took her hands and forced her to look up at me. "Hey, I know how hard it's going to be. But believe me, we're going to go through more difficult things in our lives. I've been thinking about it a lot and here's the conclusion I've come up with. These last few months have been the greatest times in my life. I've never experienced such wonderful things and I'm glad they were all with you. I wouldn't change one thing that's happened, even if it meant not having to say goodbye. It's not like we'll never talk to or see each other again. This is 2003, we do have phones and email." She smiled and put her head down on my shoulder. "Jackie, I don't think I'll ever love someone as much as I love you. But I'll find someone else and you'll find someone better than me -"
She cut me off tearing her head up and looking directly into my eyes. "I'll never find someone better than you. Don't ever say that, you mean everything to me!" She started crying.
"I know sweetie, you mean everything to me also. But we have to move on. As much as I don't want to leave you, I have to. It's inevitable; we have great jobs lined up hundreds of miles away from each other. I'll cry, get depressed, miss you terribly, and want to talk to you every second of the day. But I'll get over it and you will too. And you know what else? We'll be stronger because of it. I know that if I can make it through having to leave you I can make it through anything. Jackie, I'm not the only one out there for you. You'll find someone else and I'll be jealous at first, but I know that I'll love them because I could never hate anything that you love. The only thing we can do now is enjoy the time we have together and make the best of it. You only live once." I couldn't believe how strong I was. I'd made it through the whole thing without crying. Jackie had stopped crying too.
"I love you" was quietly whispered in my ear.
"I love you too, more than anything." We fell asleep and didn't wake until morning.
The last couple of weeks were tough with finals and design reports due. We spent a lot of time studying very hard and just hugging and cuddling. I felt fairly comfortable with our impending separation but I could tell Jackie wasn't. She was very distant emotionally but always wanted to be near me physically. It was obvious she was working through it in her own way. I wasn't pushing her with anything and I knew she appreciated it.
It finally came time for graduation. I had my parents, aunt and uncle, sister and brother-in-law and nephew, my brother and his fiancé, and two of my friends coming to town. Jackie had her parents, two siblings, and three grandparents coming. Since we knew we would be busy entertaining and because my friends were staying at my place, we decided to have our last night together on the Thursday before graduation. Jackie insisted on making me dinner so I shoved Kelly off to stay at Joe's. Then, of course, Jackie kicked me out of the apartment so she could do everything. I left for a few hours and went to play hockey with some of my guy friends. Afterwards I was exhausted and took a quick shower before going home. When I walked in, it smelled unbelievable. Jackie had made chicken pesto, one of my favorites, a caesar salad, and steamed vegetables. There was even homemade ice cream for dessert. The most amazing thing was that she had set a table with a tablecloth and candles and real cloth napkins. We didn't even have a table in our apartment! I still don't know where all that stuff came from. We sat in silence and ate the delicious food. We didn't even need to talk; we just stared into each other's eyes. After dinner I cleaned up and we laid down on the couch to watch a movie. Jackie had chosen 'So I Married An Axe Murderer'. Turns out it's one of her favorites as well as mine. We laughed together and quoted all of our favorite parts.
When it ended, Jackie got up. "Come on, let's go to bed." I followed her into my room. She pulled on the shorts she kept at my place to sleep in and pulled off her shirt as well. I followed suit and crawled into bed. She got in facing me and kissed me lightly. I put my arm across her, pulling closer and softly stroking her smooth back.
"I don't want to have some kind of sad goodbye sex. Can we just lay here and hold each other?" I nodded my head slowly and smiled. I couldn't agree with her more. If anything, I wanted to remember these tender times we had, just holding and kissing. After about an hour, I put my head down on her chest and slowly fell asleep to light kisses on the top of my head.
Graduation day came and I was really excited to get my diploma and get the stupid ceremony over with. My parents already informed me that I had to stay for the whole thing. Bummer. First they announce the couple of thousand graduates who each walk up the stage and get their diploma from the dean. After that the keynote speakers do their thing and blah, blah, blah. Our department was one of the first to go so we were sitting for a long time waiting. I had walked around and talked to my friends, sitting with Kelly in the first row and taking pictures. After going back to my assigned seat, I felt a tap on my shoulder and say Jackie, who was seated in the row behind me. "Can I talk to you for a sec?" She nodded her head towards one of the bathrooms.
"Sure, what's up?"
"I'll tell you in there." We walked over to the bathroom and went in. Jackie looked under the stall doors. Seeing no one was in there she locked the door. I looked at her puzzled and she backed up against the door.
"What are you doing?" I really had no idea what was going on and I honestly was a little scared.
"I wanted to apologize-"
"Well this is a crazy way to do it."
"I know. But sitting in there finally made me realize some things. I was spending so much time worrying about when we had to say goodbye that I forgot to enjoy the time we had left. This is college, it's not supposed to be forever." She was pacing around the bathroom and had taken off her cap and gown. My cap was off as well and I was leaning against the sink. "I was trying to control everything when I should have been rolling with the punches. It wasn't fair to you and I'm sorry." Jackie had set her hands on the sink on either side on my hips with her head on my chest.
"Don't be sorry. Shit happens and I still wouldn't trade this for anything." She lifted her head up, smiled, and kissed me lightly. We sort of half smiled at each other. Jackie got a real serious look on her face and brought her hand up to my cheek.
"Did you ever think that you'd get lucky in a bathroom at your college graduation?"
What? I was confused. "Excuse me?"
Jackie didn't say anything. She smiled slyly and slid her hand under my graduation gown, cupping my sex through my shorts. "Mmm, Jackie, what are you doing?" I threw my head back and closed my eyes.
"Shh, something I should have done days ago." She lifted me up so that I was sitting on the sink and pulled my shorts and underpants off. With her hands on my hips she kissed me with the most passion she ever has. My head was exploding. I pulled back. "You locked the door, right?"
Jackie laughed and dropped down, spreading my knees apart and staring into my eyes. "How about this for a memorable last time?" My laugh was stopped immediately when her tongue swiped up my thigh and touched my clit. I twitched and nearly fell off the sink, Jackie had to steady me. "Oh fuck, that feels great baby." Her tongue continued its course back down the other thigh and disappeared before returning to lick all the way up my pussy from bottom to top. I sucked in a chest full of air and held it until it came out as a low moan when she sucked my clit into her mouth, humming against me. Jackie continued to work me into a frenzy by creating a pattern of licking around my outer lips, up the middle of my pussy, and finally sucking my clit. She sensed I was close when the movement of my hips increased and my breathing came in shorter breaths. The assault on my clit became frantic. I held another breath and released it as a squeal. I came hard and smashed my head back against the mirror. "Shit Brynn, are you alright?"
"Hell yes I'm alright. That was fucking amazing."
"You just hit your head really hard. I think you dented the mirror frame!"
"Shut up and kiss me." And kiss we did. Post-sex kissing is my favorite thing in the whole world. Soft and sleepy, yet passionate and endearing. Unfortunately, it was still our graduation ceremony and we had to get back. We got straightened up and as we were walking out of the bathroom I grabbed Jackie and pulled her back. "I love you so much baby, don't ever forget that." I kissed her and wrapped her in a tight hug. "I know you do. And you know I do too." She smiled and led me back to our seats.
The rest of the ceremony was stupid as expected. When it was all over we both had plans with out respective families for the rest of the day. Jackie would be leaving the next evening with her parents but promised to stop by before she did. My family was off in the morning and I was staying in town a while longer to party with friends that weren't graduating and getting my things together.
Jackie stopped by the next day around dinnertime. Her parents were in the car waiting. "I don't have a lot of time, but I wanted to give you this and tell you I love you. I know we'll see each other again, so this isn't goodbye." She handed me a folded up piece of paper and kissed me hard. "I know. I will call you and I love you to." I kissed her again and said goodbye. I guess when we finally go to this point we didn't have a whole lot to say. And we didn't really need to. I was happy to leave it at this with a promise to see each other again.
After she left I went into my room and the weight of it all hit me. I stared at the piece of paper and let a tear slide down my cheek. I opened it and sat down.
Brynn, There isn't anything I can say at this point. I love you so very much and I always will. Just know I will be thinking about you.
Right now I feel so windy And someday won't be ending Until I've done all that I can Until I've done all that I can One day it'll get easier Cause right now I feel so simple Until I've done all that I can Until I've done all that I can And so I say hello, hello, hello I'm right here Hello, hello, hello I'm right here I'm right here waiting for you Drinking to yesterdays news I'm sorry I was late I was so blue My head hurts from holding your hand And I'm young but it's hard to believe That some day I will never see you again And you might not believe this But you've changed me so much But baby, it's so hard leaving you And maybe, this was the only, the only way But right now I wish I was older And right now you look so simple Now is not my time Now is not the time And so I say hello, hello, hello I'm right here I said hello, hello, hello I'm right here, right here waiting for you Drinking to yesterday's news I'm sorry I was late I was so blue My head hurts from holding your hand And I'm young but it's hard to believe That some day I will never see you again And you might not believe this But you've changed me so much But baby, it's so hard leaving you And maybe, this was the only, the only way But baby, it's so hard leaving you And maybe, this was the only, the only way But baby, it's so hard leaving you And maybe, this was the only, the only way Cause some day I will never see you again
Love always and forever, Jackie
Another tear slid down my cheek. A song had never made so much sense to me before. What a perfect way to remember Jackie. I smiled because of the times we shared and the time I knew we would still have.
Three Years Later
It had been several years since we graduated from college and Jackie and I still talk on a regular basis. Our relationship has become one of life-long friends. The distance is too much to overcome for anything else. We both love our jobs and where we are in life. I see Jackie about twice a year. We visit to see concerts, for work conferences, and just random occasions. Last summer she was my date for Kelly and Joe's wedding! This fall I met her girlfriend Mel and she is wonderful; everything I could have hoped Jackie would find. In June my girlfriend Kate and I are meeting them in Chicago for a weekend of shopping and gay bars. It will be a great time. I wish we could have carried on our relationship in a different way, but what we have may be even better. I have a confidant and shoulder to lean on when I need it and so does Jackie. Another fantasy comes true.