The Kiss
It wasn't adrenaline. It wasn't the wine his mother had given him. Abe was afraid he knew what was making his heart race and his hands shake, but he wasn't going to think about that now. If he and Finn were only to get this moment, then he didn't want to waste it.
Finn spread his fingers over his nipple.
Abe moaned and swayed closer.
Finn moved the heel of his hand in a firm circle, sending bursts of delight pulsing over Abe's flesh. He nudged Abe's robe off his shoulders, dipped his head and replaced his hands with his mouth.
Oh, yes. It was more than adrenaline or wine. Whenever Finn touched him, he felt himself come alive. Abe braced his hands on Finn's thighs. Finn's muscles tensed into hard ridges. Abe traced the ridges to his knees and back to his groin, then slid his fingers over Finn's hips and grasped his buttocks.
Less than a week ago, he had tried not to notice how Finn's jeans moulded what he was now caressing. Finn had drawn him then but he hadn't known why. He had dreamed of Finn but he hadn't wanted to admit it. Finn wasn't what he had been looking for? but there he was, and that wasn't the time for doubts and it wasn't the time to think. How could he think when Finn was moistening the front of his T- shirt and sliding the wet fabric over his nipple with his tongue?
He moaned and rose to his knees, his back arching as he followed the pleasure Finn was giving him. The question was no longer why he was letting Finn do this. It was why he had waited so long.
He pulled Finn's shirt over his head and splayed his hands on Finn's chest, reveling in the textures and contours he discovered. When he had touched Finn like this yesterday, he had stopped him. Was it only yesterday? Time no longer seemed relevant. How could he measure his feelings in days? Or moments?
Finn looped his arm around Abe's waist to bend him backward and ease him to the floor. He rid Abe of his robe and his T-shirt, and then hooked his thumb into the waistband of Abe's pj's. He pulled it down and stared at the underwear.
"Snug and black," he murmured. "I knew it."
Abe lifted his lips to help Finn ease of the garment. "I lied."
Finn pressed a kiss to his stomach. "What?"
"I did wear it for you. Only, until now I hadn't known it would be you."
Finn lifted his head with his eyes dark. The expression on his face was? predatory. He scooped Abe off the floor and tossed him onto the bed.
Abe raised himself on his elbows and felt his mouth go dry as he watched Finn take a condom from the back pocket of his jeans and strip off the rest of his clothes. Each movement sent muscles rippling under Finn's taut skin. His body was lean, powerful and magnificently aroused.
The mattress dipped as Finn stretched out beside him. He hooked one foot behind Abe's knees and rolled him against himself, then slipped his hand boldly between Abe's thighs and stroked him up and down, slowly. He knew instantly that Abe's body needed more.
It was fast, as reckless and exciting as the motorcycle ride over here. Their skin grew slick. The scent of Abe's soap mixed with the earthly scents of Finn and sex. Abe trembled around him as he filled him. He called his name as he climaxed. Everything Finn had said the night before while he had held him panting against the warehouse wall was coming true.
Except for one thing; it wasn't lust. It was love.
Abe pressed his face to Finn's neck and whimpered as he climaxed again. Finn was the wrong man. The worst man. He would be gone by the end of the week.
Finn slid his hands under Abe's buttocks and tilted his legs to meet his thrusts.
Damn him. He loved him, anyway. Abe clasped Finn's leg in his hand and bit Finn's shoulder.
Finn wrapped his hand around Abe's head and tugged him back. Without breaking the rhythm of his hips, he absorbed Abe's burst of anger with his kiss. He made love to Abe's mouth and his body as if there were no watches to check or schedules to keep. He turned the moment into something precious, taking Abe with him as he shuddered and whispered his name.
Abe hung on as the tremor faded. The room gradually came back into focus, but his thoughts still spun. What had he done? What on earth would he do now?
Finn eased his weight onto his knees and elbows and kissed the tip of Abe's nose as he looked down at him. He didn't say anything. No lover's endearment. No clever phrase to make light of the moment. No lies. Instead he smiled.
If Abe hadn't already fallen in love, that smile would have sent him tumbling over the edge. It was more than a curving of his perfect mouth and a glimpse of his dimples. It was a smile that came from within, from the lonely boy who had been left behind by everyone but the mythical figures in the constellations. He claimed he didn't want to love and yet he was always there when Abe needed him, giving him the strength to get through the twists in the road?
Abe's thoughts steadied. Yes, Finn was there for him. The bond between them was far more than one of duty. It all seemed so obvious. Finn wasn't the wrong man; it was his list that had been wrong. Love couldn't be scheduled or planned. It simply happened. And he couldn't imagine loving any other man.
He smiled back.
"That's the one," Finn murmured, tracing his lips with his finger.
"Mmm?"
"That smile. It always gets to me. What are you thinking?"
"Do you want me to be honest?"
Finn rubbed his knee along Abe's thigh. "I don't believe you know how to be anything but honest."
"You may not like what you hear," he said, echoing the words Finn had said to him the day before.
"I'll take my chances."
"I think I'm in love with you, Finn."
Finn went completely still. Fierce joy danced across his face. His eyes gleamed for an instant. Then it was as if a door slammed somewhere deep inside. The joy disappeared. He rolled to his back. "Abe? no."
Abe got to his knees and put his hand on Finn's chest. His gaze was caught by the red mark on his shoulder, evidence of the passion of moments ago. This might not be the best time to talk, but if he didn't say this now, when would he get the chance again? He ran his fingers over the imprint he had left with his teeth had left Finn's skin. "I don't like it any more than you do, Finn, but it isn't something I can control."
"I thought you understood what's between us."
"It's you who doesn't understand. You claim you don't want love, but you know how to give it. You've been showing what's inside you with everything you do." Abe pressed his hand over his heart. "I grew up surrounded by love, but all it took was one bad experience and I did my best to protect myself from being hurt again. You've had so many bad experiences; I'm amazed that you are as good a man as you are."
"I told you before, Abe. You're an idealist. The world doesn't work the way you want it to."
"It can with the right person. After Stuart left me, I sheltered my feelings behind rigid ideas of what I thought I wanted. It took meeting you, and being swept up in the reality of this mission, to smash down the walls I'd built around myself."
"Abe..."
"I know why you say, you don't want love. You've been left behind so many times, you're afraid to reach out again."
Finn sat up and swung his feet to the floor. "You don't know me."
"Yes, I do. My family is my rock. You never had that. Your mother left, and your father was seldom there. From the sound of it, your stepmothers didn't try to be close?"
"Abe, my mother didn't leave."
"You told me you hadn't seen her since you were six."
Finn looked at Abe over his shoulder. "That's right. She didn't leave. She died."
Abe thought he understood, but it was worse than he had imagined. "Oh, Finn. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You were so young. Was it an accident?"
"No. It was her choice."
"What do you mean?"
"She killed herself, Abe."
Abe's heart squeezed hard. He couldn't have heard Finn right. He had said it so matter-of-factly. "She??"
"She got depressed when my father was away. They had screaming matches when he was home. She was taking medication for her mood swings and one day she decided to take the whole bottle."
"Oh, Finn. She couldn't have meant?"
"She meant to, all right. Her note made her intentions perfectly clear. She left the note beside the cookie jar to make sure I'd find it when I got home from school. The doctor said she must have swallowed the pills as soon as I'd left the house that morning so she had been dead for hours when I called the ambulance."
"You?" This was horrible. Unthinkable. A six year old child, coming home, calling for his mother and instead finding? "You had to call the ambulance?"
"My father was in Bolivia that time. She planned it that way. No one else was there."
"My God. You were only six."
"Like I said, I learned my lesson early."
"Oh, Finn."
"Finn reached behind him and hauled Abe from the mattress onto his lap. "Don't pity me, Abe. I didn't tell you this to get your sympathy. I told you so that you would understand."
"Pity isn't what I feel, Finn."
"You dream of a home and a family and a kind of forever love. Some people aren't meant for that. I've already seen what happens when a man who wants his freedom meets a man who doesn't like it that he has that much freedom. It won't work." He looked at Abe, his gaze as naked as his body. "I need my freedom, Abe. It's how I survive. The pleasure of the moment is safe. It's the dreams that will kill you."
What could he say? Like everything else about the past week, this was beyond his experience. To lose a parent was a tragic, but to lose one to suicide? Oh God. Was it any wonder that Finn had built barriers around his heart? "We've had different lives, but we still want the same things. I can see it in your eyes, Finn. I feel it in the way you hold me."
"This is what you feel," he said, shifting Abe to bring him against his groin. "Two people enjoying a physical attraction."
"I'm not denying that, but it's more."
"Sure, it's more." Finn put his palm against Abe's chest as he rubbed his thumb over the nipple. "It's an exceptionally strong physical attraction."
How could he want to hug Finn and bite him at the same time? Abe straddled Finn's lap. "And why do you think the attraction is so strong?"
"Chemistry."
"No, it's love."
Finn ran his hands along the inside of Abe's thighs. "Sex."
Abe licked his ear. "Love."
Finn groaned and spread his fingers. "Mutual enjoyment."
Abe trailed his palm down Finn's chest. There was no point in arguing. He was simply going to have to show Finn.
A dull, gray dawn was gathering in the sky to the east as Finn guided the bike along the lane to the warehouse. Abe tasted moisture in the air and glanced at the low hanging clouds. A storm front was moving in. It would rain soon, but there was nothing he could do about the weather. There weren't many things in life one could truly control. Finn coasted to a stop near the junkyard fence and let the engine idle. He pulled off his helmet and twisted partway around in the seat to look at Abe. Morning stubble darkened his jaw. Finn's hair was a tousled mass of black curls. He looked tough and adorable at the same time. Abe took off his helmet and reached out to smooth Finn's hair. "Thanks for keeping it under sixty on the ride back." "There was no point hurrying." Finn caught Abe's hand and placed a kiss in his palm. "They're going to know why we took so long, Abe." Abe glanced at the closed doors of the warehouse. He knew their arrival was being monitored by the soldier on guard duty. "Yes, I realize that." "They are a decent bunch of guys so I'm not expecting any trouble, but if they treat you with anything other than respect?" "Finn, it doesn't matter." "It does to me." Abe put his hand on Finn's thigh. "They have more important things to concern themselves with than our love life. They are probably planning the raid on Boko Haram's base." The edge of Finn's jaw sharpened as he clenched his teeth. "I don't want you to carry the ransom, Abe." "We've been through this already. I'll do whatever I can." "Not after last night." A drop of rain fell on the back of Abe's hand. More sprinkled the pavement around them. "Why? Is it because we made love? That didn't seem to change anything as far as you are concerned." Finn didn't reply. "Well, did it?" "I don't want to see you get hurt, Abe." Too late, Abe thought. He had been destined to get hurt from the moment he had seen Finn on his doorstep. He had new sympathy for moths. "It's a risk I'm willing to take. I've learned a lot about courage in the past few days." Finn flinched. He had to know they were talking about more than just the mission. "Abe?" "It's raining. We should go inside." Finn turned up his collar. "I should apologize, but I can't. I'm sorry about spending the night in your bed. What happened between us was special, Abe. I'll never forget it." Oh, God. Why did this sound like a goodbye? "Yes, it was special, Finn. Because it was love." The rain grew heavier. He didn't argue. They had been through this already, and Abe hadn't been able to change Finn's mind. Finn grasped his chin. In full view of whoever was guarding the warehouse door, he tilted his face to his and held Abe steady as he sealed his mouth over Abe's. The kiss didn't feel like a goodbye. It was as sweet as a promise; and as fragile as hope. Abe didn't hold back: he poured out everything he felt, using his lips the way he had used his body the night before. Yes, he had learned about courage in the past few days. But he had also learned about fear. What if his love wasn't enough to draw Finn out from behind the barriers he had built around his heart? What if Finn was right; if they were too different to have a future together? The mission would be over by Friday. Did he really think he could change Finn's mind by then? Abe was grateful for the rain. He wouldn't need to explain why his cheeks were wet when Finn put the bike back in gear and drove inside the warehouse. Abe sensed the tension in the air the moment they entered the tent. At first, Abe thought it was directed at him and Finn, but then he saw Ghost standing by the communication table with a telephone pressed to his ear. Sandra stood beside him, her expression somber, while several men halted what they were doing in order to listen. Abe followed Finn across the floor until they could hear the commander's words. "Yes, Sir," Ghost said. "We are working on contingency plans in any case." Who was Ghost talking to? Had the latest demand from Boko Haram already come in? Abe wondered, peeling off his wet jacket. Someone would have called them, wouldn't they? He glanced at Finn, but could tell nothing from his expression. Finn was back in his soldier mode. Well, what had he expected? These people were Finn's family; the army was the only real home Finn had ever known. Finn had carved a life for himself with them. He was the outsider here. "I understand, Mr. President. Thank you for your confidence. Please be assured we will do our best." Abe's hands tightened on his jacket. Water squeezed between his fingers to drip on the floor. He jerked his gaze back to the commander. Mr. President? Ghost caught sight of Finn and Abe as he ended the call. He motioned to Sandra to accompany him and walked over to intercept them. "I have just learned that President Jonathan wishes to postpone the signing of the pact between Nigeria and the United State until his niece's son is found." His gaze moved to Abe. "The stakes are going up. I hope we can still count on your cooperation, Mr. Locke." Abe brushed his wet hair with his fingers. "Of course." "You were gone a considerable amount of time. Did you have any problem reassuring your family about your continued absence?" "No." "Good. The next twenty-four hours will be crucial. We can't afford any leaks." He turned to Finn. "You are relieved of your current duty, Braveheart, Songbird will see to Mr. Locke's welfare from this point onward. Get yourself cleaned up and report to Chief Warrant Officer Esposito. He will be leading the raid on the base." "Sir?" Ghost's gaze firmed to steel. "Dismissed." Finn hesitated. He looked at Abe. "You were warned once, O'Brian," Ghost said. Finn saluted and moved off. Abe watched Finn go. He hadn't looked surprised by the commander's orders. Had Finn expected this? Abe wanted to call him back. It was happening too fast. But this wasn't about him or about Finn. It was about a terrorist kidnapping that was escalating into an international crisis. While Abe had been outside in the rain kissing Finn, Ghost had been talking to the President. What were one man's feelings compared to that? The last lingering traces of warmth from his night with Finn dissolved. He shivered. Sandra took Abe's arm and steered him toward the cubicle they shared. "You need to warm up and change into something dry. You are dripping all over the floor." "No, I'm fine," he said, watching Finn over his shoulder. "Let him go, Abe. I thought you were smarter than that." Abe looked at Sandra. "I don't know what you mean." Sandra ducked through the canvas flap to their cubicle. She returned with a towel and Abe's peach-colored jogging suit, then led him to the warehouse shower room and rapped on the door. When there was no reply, she flipped the sign on the doorknob and ushered Abe inside. As soon as the door closed behind them, Sandra turned to face him. "You slept with him, didn't you?" There was no point pretending innocence. As Finn had said, everyone knew why they were so late. He had been concerned that the men might say something. Instead it was the team's lone woman. Abe hung his wet jacket from a hook on the wall and met Sandra's gaze. "Yes, I did." "Well, at least you held out longer than most. You can take credit for that much." She handed Abe a towel and placed his clothes on the bench beside the wall. "You are not his usual type, you know." "I'm aware of that." "And it doesn't bother you?" "No. I think Finn has done exactly what I've been doing." "And what's that?" "We both tried to stick to the type of people who had no chance of reaching our hearts." Sandra sighed. "Finn isn't interested in your heart, Abe. I can understand how he'd wear you down, though. As far as eye candy goes, he's in a class by himself, but?" "Is that all you think he is? Eye candy?" Abe didn't want to take his clothes off in front of Sandra but he yanked off his wet sweater anyway and draped it over the beach. He used the towel on his hair. "That's not how I see him. He uses his looks as a shield. He doesn't want anyone to get close to him." "Not to hear him tell. He's not exactly a monk." "I'm not talking about sex." "And why would be afraid of that?" "We all have our own reasons. Considering his childhood, Finn's are more valid than most." Sandra sat on the other end of the bench. "He told you his reasons?" At the note of disbelief in Sandra's voice, Abe looked up. "Yes." "I can't believe it. Finn's a clam when it comes to talking about himself. What did he tell you?" "Why are you asking me all these questions?" "I'm an intelligence officer. That's what I do." "No offense, Sandra, but I don't think this is any of your business." "No offense taken, Abe, but I have to disagree with you. The men of the Nighthawks are my business. They are my brothers. I look out for every one of them." Abe could understand that Sandra's inquisitiveness stemmed from concern not idle curiosity, but he wasn't going to discuss the confidences Finn had shared. "He considers you all his family." "We are." "And do you think that's enough?" "What do you mean?" "You are all so good at keeping your objectivity and maintaining your distance while you are on a mission, don't you worry that you won't know how to stop." "Don't misinterpret our objectivity, Abe. We need our distance to survive." I need my freedom, Abe. It's how I survive. That's what Finn had told him. It kept coming back to that. He was going in circles. Frustrated, he rubbed the towel more briskly than he needed to. "Maybe I'm just not grasping this. You are human. We all want the same things. Is there something about being a commando that rules out normal relationships?" "Our profession makes a steady relationship challenging," Sandra said slowly. "But yes, I think most of us do want the same things. We are as human as anyone else." "Then why are so few of you married?" "I can't speak for everyone. In my case, my fiancé died five weeks before our wedding." Abe lowered the towel and looked at Sandra. Too late, he remembered that Finn had mentioned Sandra was still mourning her fiancé. "I'm sorry. That was insensitive of me." "No, it's okay. I've been butting into your love life; it's only fair if you know about mine. Captain Kyle Jameson was the best. I'll never find a man like him again." "You must have loved him deeply," Abe said. "Yes, I did." A glimmer of sadness softened her green gaze. "Love is precious. When it happens, you have to cherish every minute you get." Abe thought about something else Finn had said. "All we can be sure of is the moment." Sandra nodded and regarded him carefully. "I might have come down too hard on you, Abe. It's because I care about Finn. He's a fine soldier, and I don't want to see him neglect his duty because of you. Ghost doesn't give second chances." "Finn never forgot his duty. We kept his phone within reach all night, even when we used the shower." Sandra's lips twitched. "Although I'm an intelligence officer, Abe that might have been more information than I really needed to know.""The Washington Monument at midnight?" Jack shook his head as he poked through the equipment that was arrayed on the table. "It's as if Boko Haram is choosing their ransom drops from a tour book."
"It doesn't make any sense," Rafe muttered. He picked up his radio headset and adjusted the angle of the microphone. "After the way the other drops went wrong, you'd think Boko Haram would change their pattern. Sure, there will be fewer bystanders around at night, but it's still a high-profile location. It's as if Boko Haram wants to have this go public."
"Maybe they do," Jack said. "They wouldn't have expected Ibru to contacts us. They might have been counting on the story getting out to the media. Using our national monuments as their backdrop is their way of thumbing their noses at the diplomats."
Esposito rotated the parabolic microphone on the table in front of him. "You might be right. Terrorism only works if it's given a platform. Without publicity, terrorists are nothing but common criminals. I always thought the money wasn't the only thing Boko Haram was after. O'Brian, do you have the 2mm Allen key?"
Finn searched through the tray at his elbow and selected the tool the chief had requested. They had spent the afternoon checking and rechecking every piece of hardware. It was tedious work, but it was vital. When they moved in tonight, they couldn't afford any mistakes. Too much was at stake.
Including Abe's life.
His hand shook as he passed the tiny Allen key to Esposito. He had to focus. But ever since the details of third ransom drop had come through at noon, his mind had been seething with worry over Abe.
There was no point trying to talk him out of it. Abe was as adamant as ever that he'd play his part. In Finn's head, he knew they could protect Abe - the operation would take place in friendly territory, and police and military backup was only minutes away if it was needed. Whether the choice of location made sense or not, the fact that it was so exposed was in their favor. They could form an airtight perimeter around Abe. They would be able to see Boko Haram coming half a mile away.
In the dark? In the rain? Abe would be up against a group of fanatics who cared nothing for their own lines. His head might accept it, but his heart couldn't.
Damn. This was why it was safer on the outside looking in. He didn't want to be testing microphones and transmitters while the team finalized their plans for tonight's assault. He wanted to scoop Abe into his arms and take him as far away from this place as he could run. He wanted to hold him and keep him safe until this was over?
And then what?
It kept coming back to that question. He had no answer.
People left. One way or another. Having tasted Abe's love was going to make it harder, but he knew better than to wish for more, didn't he? He picked up the transmitter he had just finished checking and got to his feet.
Esposito didn't look up. "Where are you going, O'Brian?"
"I'm taking Abe his electronics."
"Give them to Fox."
Finn was losing control of the number of orders he wanted to disobey. He gathered the rest of the equipment Abe would carry and left before he needed to lie.
He found Sandra and Abe in the warehouse, sitting in the back of the van Sandra would be using when she took Abe to the drop. They wouldn't need to use public transport to mask Abe's arrival this time - the darkness would be sufficient. Like Esposito, Sandra appeared to be checking out her surveillance equipment. Through the open rear doors, Finn could see lights glowing green on the console that was fitted beneath the van's tinted side windows.
Sandra looked up as Finn approached. "How are the preparations going, Braveheart?" she asked.
"No problem, Ma'am." He paused at the open rear door and looked at Abe.
He was sitting on the bench seat in front of the radio, his knees pulled to his chest, his arms wrapped around his legs. The new larger backpack they had needed to use in order to fit the money in was on the seat beside him. The bullet-proof vest he would be wearing lay on the floor.
The men of the Nighthawks were the best there were, Finn reminded himself. They would protect Abe with their lives. He had to trust them. He gave Sandra the electronics for Abe, and then clasped his hands behind his back so that neither Sandra nor Abe could see how his hands were shaking.
"How are you, Abe?"
Abe looked at Finn and knew he couldn't tell the truth. He was a mess. He was terrified. This was the last chance. In a matter of hours everything would be over. Everything. The kidnapping, the mission, and his time with Finn. "I'm fine," he said.
"You can still back out," Finn said. "No one would blame you."
Sandra swiveled away from the console. "I already suggested that someone else could take his place. With the rain and the darkness, Boko Haram might not be able to tell there was a substitution."
"And I already refused," Abe said, keeping his gaze on Finn. "I'm going to see this through to the end."
"You know how I feel about that," Finn said.
"Yes, but I won't be the only one at risk here. You and everyone on the team are going to be in more danger than I am. Not to mention Matthew."
"It's not your fight. This is our job."
Abe tightened his arms over his legs, hoping he couldn't see him shiver. "This is my choice to make, no one else's. I won't have any regrets."
Finn continued to study him, his expression stark. "Be careful, okay, Abe?"
Abe wanted to scream at Finn to be careful too, but he was unsure he could trust his voice. Like the rest of the men who would be assaulting the Boko Haram base, Finn was dressed in a black jumpsuit and rubber-soled boots. The black balaclava that lay in folds around his neck would be pulled to conceal his face when he went into action. There was no longer any need for the team to disguise themselves as civilians - when they moved on Boko Haram this time; they wanted the terrorists to know with whom they were dealing.
The uniforms made everything too real, like the submachine guns, the pistols and the magazines of ammunition the men had been gathering. There were other things, too. Sandra had explained them to him. Concussion grenades, rappelling ropes, grappling hooks and gas canisters. All the tools of a lethal trade. Abe couldn't hide the shiver that shook him this time.
Finn muttered an oath and grabbed the van door. "Captain, would you mind if I had few moments alone with Mr. Locke before you move out?"
Sandra lifted an eyebrow. "I don't think Ghost would approve."
"That's why I'm asking you, Sandra."
Sandra looked at Abe. "Is that what you want?"
Abe bit his lip and nodded.
"I need to pick up my parabolic mike from the chief, anyway." Sandra walked to the back of the van and hopped to the floor. "I'll be back in five minutes, no more."
Finn barely waited for Sandra to clear the doors before he stepped inside and closed them. He stared at Abe, his throat working. Then without a word he pulled Abe off the seat and into his arms.
Abe wrapped himself around Finn as he sank to the floor of the van. With his legs hooked around Finn's hips, and his hands splayed on his back, Abe got as close as their clothes would allow. He kissed Finn's neck, his jaw, the dimple in his chin until he fisted his hand around Abe's head and slammed his mouth over Abe's.
His kiss wasn't like any of the others he had given Abe. It was the kiss of a warrior on the brink of battle. Bold, possessive and forceful enough to steal Abe's breath. He used his tongue and his teeth, channeling the tension that hardened his muscles into passion.
Abe drank it in greedily. He loved Finn, and so he loved this side of him, too. Finn was trained in the use of deadly force, yet he was a soldier who wished for peace as he aimed his gun.
But time had been their real enemy from the start. There was nothing either of them could do to fight it. All too soon, Sandra's footsteps sounded outside the van. Finn broke off the kiss and leaned his forehead against Abe's.
Neither of them spoke. There wasn't anything left to say. This time it really felt like goodbye.