Warning: This story contains may contain (I haven't decided yet) sexual relationships between women. If it is illegal in your country to be subjected to this kind of material or sexual relationships between women offend you leave now.
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Big Thanks to my new editor Steph, the ultimate spell check.
Entry 8 the house of hell 8:20 pm Day 20
Yeah okay Debbs should just die. What is she insinuating? That I don't go out? That I'm boring? Me, as if? Cuz I go out! Oh yea I go out plenty. I mean I haven't been out in a while. But that's because. So what if I'm depressed Screw you Debb! YOU SUCK!
- note to self: make an effort to go out more * okay I don't actually want you to die Debbs just get a new personality or something
In English class, the main focus is copying what's on the board so that Miss Leja doesn't bite your head off. At lunch time the focus is letting Jackie go on and on about the "sexy guy with the great personality" that she met at the club. Ask her what his name is and it shuts her up for a good 30 minutes as she struggles to remember. After lunch I have computer class. I don't really think it's a computer class when it just consists of 90% of the class leaving because the tech room is under construction, and the rest of the class watching Mr. Filipuik hit on the librarian, Mrs. Scott. Last year I would be apart of that 90%, but this year I don't mind because Alex and I just spend the whole hour cracking jokes as Mrs. Scott plays hard to get. Today is different. After what almost happened yesterday I couldn't look at Alex all day without remembering how close I came to fucking up our friendship and not to mention my whole life. I haven't been able to think about anything else. Alex is sweet and all, but there's no telling how she would react if I did something as fucked up as that. I just don't know what I would do if she found out I liked her. Would she hate me? Would she make everyone else hate me? I contemplated all this while I walked past the library and exited through the side doors of the school. I couldn't be alone with Alex today. I needed to clear my head.
Since it was early in the afternoon, Starbucks was practically empty, which is great cause I'm so not in a friendly mood right now. There was only one well dressed dude waiting at the far end of the counter for his drink. As I walked past him he nudged me, "Don't I know you?" When I turned around and saw Aidan, my bitchy mood practically melted.
"Aidan, this is so weird, I wouldn't expect to see you." I said as I turned to face him. He shrugged casually and smiled. The girls serving drinks behind the counter, swooned simultaneously, of course Aidan was totally oblivious.
"Yeah," he sighed, his voice loaded with sarcasm, "Starbucks is beneath me. Today I felt like slumming" I laughed. He had both of his hands in the pockets of his snug fitting navy jeans. His posture was casually slouched and the striped blue and grey cardigan he wore over a white tee really completed the "chill" look he had going on. The old school beat up chucks he wore didn't hurt the look either.
"I wasn't talking about a person like you being in a dump like this. I meant, isn't there a Starbucks like, five minutes away from your school?"
"And you know this because.?"
"Running route, I've passed by it a couple times with Alex." I felt a pang in my chest as I said her name. Yea, I'm probably not gonna run with her today
"I was about to call you a stalker. Anyways. so Hun, what's going on? You look like your dog just died or something?"
"Is it really that obvious that I'm having a shitty day?"
"To me it is, but I've been told I'm really perceptive." I was surprised at the concern and honesty in his voice.
"Um, sir? Your drink is ready." Aidan and I turned in the direction of the brunette working behind the counter. She was clearly undressing Adrian with her eyes. Aidan turned back to me.
"I'll go get us some seats at the back, when you have your order come sit and tell me what's going on in your pretty little mind." He winked, in a blatant attempt to get the brunette all worked up.
"Oh Adrian youuur so funny." I giggled in that annoying way girls do when they fall all over guys. I hate that. Aidan got his drink and went off to find a table while the brunette kept her eyes on his behind.
I was glad Aidan got seats in a corner, we're probably gonna need the privacy. While we sipped our lattes, he started to tell me a story about Alex's first performance, which had happened when they were in kindergarten. I don't really know how we got on the subject of Alex, but it was fun hearing about the funny embarrassing moments. It made me almost forget I came here to not think about her.
"She was so nervous about performing, that she started throwing up in the middle of the stage and a couple of dancers went sliding around in her mess." Aidan said laughing manically.
"Gross!"
"I know the funniest thing is she totally denies it now, like it never happened."
"I don't blame her."
"Neither do I but, Alex has selective memory. She deliberately forgets humiliating memories, have you noticed it yet?" Aidan raised an eyebrow.
"Not really. but I'll be able to test that soon, I guess." I said thinking back to how embarrassed Alex was by Debbie.
"Let me know how that goes. It can be quiet irritating; we've had some major fights over it. But you know what, because of everything that happened last year she probably changed."
"Uh.What happened last year?"
"Oh shit!" Aidan slapped himself on the forehead with his palm, "I forgot that I just met you, um.it's not my place to say but it's pretty heavy, but never mind that, what are you doing here?" He asked changing the subject. I was definitely curious about what had happened last year but it was obvious Aidan felt crappy about telling me too much and I didn't want to get him in trouble, so I let it go.
"I hate school." I said answering his question.
"Yea so do I, but I think there's more. You looked so down when I saw you, are you gonna tell me what's up or do I have to guess?"
"Oh my god" I sighed, "nothing's up." At this point I was so avoiding eye contact.
"Okay so this is how it's gonna be. Guy trouble?" he paused waiting for my answer.
"You're such a nerd." I focused on my empty plastic cup.
"Girl trouble?" I tried desperately to hide the horrified look on my face.
"No." I squeaked.
"God! Get out of the closet already it's just more practical really." I buried my head in my hands as everything I tried so hard to control and conceal came undone in a matter of minutes. "Seriously it's no biggie, I'm gay your gay, that guy over there's gay, you practically live in one big gay world." I looked up at him, my head propped on my hands that were still on the table.
"Thanks I feel a lot better." My voice was completely in a monotonous tone. Apparently he didn't get the hint cause he just went on about how gay the world is.
"Ten percent of the people in this place are gay."
"No duh! There's only like ten people in here."
"The point is you're not alone."
"That's what they all say, but that's not the point." I thought about how scary it was that he easily was able to read me. Not only that but Adrian saying it, made it real. Let's face it, I've been in denial about the whole gay thing (probably one of the biggest understatements ever), my gayness was just apart of me that I mostly ignored until recently. I've never admitted it to myself that I'm...and I mean hearing someone else say it, is just crazy. "It's not like totally obvious, right?"
"Naw, but it's obvious to me you like Alex.'
"Shit." I felt like throwing up, "it's obvious that I like her, oh my god! Then every body knows! Oh my god! oh my go."
"Obvious to me I said. Damn calm down, I've known her since kindergarten and like I said I'm pretty perceptive. I can tell you like her, that doesn't mean anyone else noticed."
"Okay well." My insides stabilized a bit.
"You know you can tell her," he said cutting me off. "She would be cool with it."
"I.don't think I'm ready for that yet." It was amazing how incredible squeaky my voice was.
"Okay." He smiled. After about ten minutes of silence I was finally able to control my vocal cords and my breathing. I was still a bit freaked out about what had just happened but for some reason I felt a bit better. "Your adorable." He said pulling me out of my thoughts.
"How? I'm like, pathetic."
"Trust me you're not." And that's when it dawned on me.
"Hey, you never told me why you're here."
"Do I have to?" He groaned
"Obviously."
"I'm meeting this guy I met through a friend." Even though he blushed you can tell he was totally comfortable saying that.
"Awww is it a date?"
"Yea." He said sheepishly. "I don't wanna talk about it anymore I might jinx it."
"You're such a nerd. You'll be fine, you look hot."
"Thanks, he'll be here in like.20 minutes." He said checking his watch.
"Oh okay I should go, don't wanna intrude on your date." Yea and also school's like over, and I have to make it look like I actually went.
"Trust me, I don't mind."
"Liar. I'll see you around." I said getting up.
"Fer sure."
Entry 9 the bedroom 10:00 pm Day 21
It's so cute how Zari Is all concerned every time Kira skips. And I totally didn't snitch this time. She probably used her weird twin telepathy and found out. But what ever I'm kinda pis0sed at Kira Why? no real reason it's hard to explain It's like I expect to spend like every waking moment with her. It's just I have a certain routine. And I didn't realize how fucking, like, dependant I am Third period fully sucked today I was all by myself tear Totally sucked I'm so used to being a loner that's what was so weird about it Anyways Seeing as how today is Friday And tomorrow is Saturday I'm going to the mall tommorrow Because that's what sociable teenagers do and I'm sociable So I called Kira and she's going with me to buy new leotard And oh my god BIG NEWS! I can't believe I forgot to write this
So Miss Carmine called and she wants to give me private lessons For FREE! and at first I was like, I don't know let me think about it But my mom was in the room and she was freaking out that I would even consider something that would normally just be a given So I said yes And on Mondays I'll be in my old class room At my old school After school (thank god) Being taught by my favorite teacher for free!
It was weird talking to her though She was like, apologizing for what happened and like, saying how unfair it was Etc. Hearing her say that was like, whoa I kinda felt like I was going through it all over again for the first time Honestly, I'm not ready to talk about it I don't think I ever will be Fucking mom's getting on my nerves always talking about therapy But I think she'll reconsider cuz I've been hanging out with Kira And I'm a little more normal A little les depressed And I'm a little more over it I guess
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