Author's Notes:
First off, I want to introduce this new story. This story features a young man who is gay and not out. His name is Eric Keiser and he is 16. Eric faces religious challenges as well as family challenges as he faces who he really is on the inside. He'll find himself as he moves through the halls of high school and the paths of life. I hope you'll enjoy this story. To the fans of the mirror, I will not be destroying characters. What you see is what you get with these characters.
Okay, these characters are meant to resemble any living or dead person. I make no apology to anyone who is offended by anything in this story.
Let me know what you think of the story by emailing me at Hnstskr4@aol.com
Copyright 2008 by Chuck B.
The Journey Begins Chapter 1 - The Journey Begins
My name is Eric Keiser and I am 16 years old. I'm a junior in high school. My family has lived here in Lake View, Indiana all my life. We are a highly religious family. All of my siblings and I have been baptized into the same religion. I've always felt like somehow I don't quite fit in at church. I've known about myself for some time now, about four years.
Today is March 3rd, 2008. I'm sitting in class waiting for Mr. Smith to enter the room. His Quest class is my 6th hour class. In his class, we do a lot of journal writing, talking about feelings, and our relationships. Out of all my teachers, Mr. Smith is my favorite. Not only is he hot but he is smart and always has encouraging things to say. Mr. Smith already has today's journal entry topic on the board so I guess I should get going:
"Dear Journal,
I've never admitted this to anyone else before and I am terrified, but here it goes. I'm gay! Writing it out like that made me even more afraid. I'm not even sure why, just that I am. I've not told anyone because I'm afraid of rejection. I don't want to lose my family or my friends. My church would excommunicate me for being gay and being true to my feelings. They, the church, think that being gay is wrong. How can it be wrong when it's a part of who I am?"
Mr. Smith signals the end of the journal writing time.
Next, he places his ballot box in the center of the room. "Okay, today our question deals with someone in our lives being gay. I want you to take one of the papers that are being passed out and I want you to copy down the questions that are on the board. Leave a space for your answers. Your questions are: Is it okay to be gay? Why or why not? How would you react to a family member or a friend who told you that they were gay? I'll give a few minutes to write your answers," Mr. Smith explained, as I copied down the questions and started writing my responses. I know that no one will see my answers but I still feel scared. Why is Mr. Smith doing this to me?
My answers to his questions are, "I have no problems with anyone being gay. It would hypocritical of me to have a problem with it. After all I am taught to love everyone. Secondly, I am gay myself. As for a family member or a friend telling me that they are gay, I have no problem with it. It wouldn't change a thing." With my answers being written down, I quickly got up and placed them in the box.
I watched as one by one my classmates put their responses into the box. It sounds crazy but I wish that I could read their responses. I watched them as they dropped their paper into the box. I realize that it's pretty pointless, but I'm curious. Of particular interest to me are the responses from my friends Cathy, Dale, and Cody. I hope their answers are positive. Steven stood up and walked past. I tried to turn away but I couldn't. His body just draws me in. Now Mr. Smith approaches his box signaling the end of this little exercise.
He reaches in with his right hand and pulls out five pieces of folded paper. In a deep voice, he reads my written response, "I have no problems with anyone being gay. It would hypocritical of me to have a problem with it. After all I am taught to love everyone. Secondly, I am gay myself. As for a family member or a friend telling me that they are gay, I have no problem with it. It wouldn't change a thing." I watch my friends. Dale makes a face of disgust. How can he do that? Oh wait; he is a member of my church too.
Mr. Smith unfolds the next piece of paper and reads it, "I'm not really sure if it okay or not, but I don't think it should matter because love is love."
He unfolds the next one, "Being gay goes against everything that I've been taught. I can't choose my family but I can choose my friends. I refuse to be friends with anyone who's gay."
Suddenly, I felt sick. How could someone be like that? I looked at Dale and thought, "Must have been him."
The next one reads, "Being gay isn't a biggie for me. I'm not gay myself but I have a cousin who is and I love him death."
He opened the last slip and sat down in his seat. "I'm gay so why would it bug me." It was simple but to the point.
"Now, are there any responses to what your classmates have said?" One girl, who is Christian and has an opinion for everything, agreed with the hater. She said her parent would kick out any of her siblings who are gay and that she would have nothing to do with them. A couple classmates were on our side and couldn't understand how any parent could treat kids like that, or how a true friend could just toss a friendship away over a friend being gay. I'm still really shaken by the haters in the room. I want to say something. I even have the words on my tongue but I can't. Exposing myself isn't something that I want to do right now. Mr. Smith has his eyes on me. Watching me and waiting for me to say something. I know he wants me to defend being gay, but I'm going to say anything. "Okay everyone, see you tomorrow."
The last hour of the day is finally here. Miss Gonalez's English class is one of my favorites. I love to write and always have. The bell rings and Miss G. does the attendance. "Okay everyone today's writing prompt is to write one paragraph about something that no one else knows about you. It will be graded and then returned to you." I decided to write about being gay.
"One thing that no one else knows about me is that I'm gay. You don't know what's it's like to be different. It's hard to face sometimes because all my life I've been taught that being gay is wrong. I'm afraid to say anything because of the hatred that is out there. I don't think it's right that I can't step outside of my shell. Right now, I am accepted by my family and friends. They accept me because they don't know about me. If my family knew, they would not be able to accept that part of me. Some of my friends wouldn't be able to deal with me being gay. I think it's important for my friends and family to know that I haven't changed. I am still the guy that I've always been. I want them to love me like they always have. To my straight male friends, you're safe. I'm not out to have sex with you." Miss Gonalez stands up and goes to the back of the room and turns on the overhead. She pushes a button on the back wall and the screen comes down. "Okay everyone times up." She was about to move on when Mr. Smith walked in.
He went straight to the back of the room and started talking to Miss Gonalez. Everyone knows that you DON'T interrupt her when she is about to start teaching. Mr. Smith turned and point to me. A paper was passed between Mr. Smith and Miss Gonalez. He turned and exited the room. Miss Gonalez walks up to my desk and drops the note on my desk. She immediately heads to the back of the room.
For the next fifteen minutes, she reviews with us how to write a letter. I sat here partially listening and partially stewing about the content of the note. For as badly as I wanted to read it, I knew reading it would be a mistake. Miss Gonalez tolerates nothing but absolute attention as she's talking. After her fifteen minutes of instructional time, she walked up to the front of her desk. "Get out your planners! Your homework is to write a letter to anyone in the room. They won't receive it but it will be graded and returned tomorrow. I want a minimum of three paragraphs. You have two minutes to get it written in your planners." Now I can peak at the note.
To be honest, I'm more than a little nervous about this note. Why would Mr. Smith send me a note? What did I do to deserve a note from him? I opened the note. I glanced down in fear. He just wants to see me after class for a few minutes. What if this note is telling me that I'm failing his class? What if the note is about my quiet spell in his room today? The bell just went off ending seventh hour.
I walked two doors down the hall and arrived at Mr. Smith's room. He smiles as I approach his desk. He gets up and walks to the long table in the middle of the room. He thumbs through the pile of journals and pulls mine out. A blue 3x5 card marks a page in my notebook. "Eric, I wanted you to come down to my room so that we could talk about your journal entry for today..." He started to read my journal entry to me:
"Dear Journal,
I've never admitted this to anyone else before and I am terrified, but here it goes. I'm gay! Writing it out like that made me even more afraid. I'm not even sure why, just that I am. I've not told anyone because I'm afraid of rejection. I don't want to lose my family or my friends. My church would excommunicate me for being gay and being true to my feelings. They, the church, think that being gay is wrong. How can it be wrong when it's a part of who I am?"
Hearing my words kind of shook me, I'm really not use to hearing my private thoughts read back to me. "...Eric, how long have you been in hiding?"
At this point, I wanted to run. I'm not ready for this yet. "I guess since I was twelve."
He seemed kind of surprised by my answer. "You've known about yourself since you were 12 and you've never said anything to anyone?"
Why is he questioning it? I told him the truth. "I've been afraid to tell anyone because I'm a chicken."
His face showed a hint of sadness. In a stern but caring voice, he replied "Eric, you're not a chicken. I think the fact that you've managed to do it for this one is incredibly brave. I know what's it's like to hide from the world, however I also know the weight that's removed from your shoulders by coming out to someone. Eric, I'm not suggesting that you should come out to everyone. I don't think that would be wise..."
Mr. Smith is gay! Wow, I wonder how he dealt with being in the closest. "Mr. Smith, are you gay? How did you know the right time to come out?"
He looked at me and smiled. "You can't tell anyone, but yes, I'm gay. I knew the time was right when I couldn't take it anymore. I knew that there were rumors floating around in high school and even in my family. To put it simply, it had gotten to be too much. Like you, I was terrified to come out. Luckily, my folks were okay with it. I did have one sister who took some time to overcome her own views. I even lost a couple life long friends who never did come around but I'm lucky because someone who is very close to me was kicked out of his home at the age of 14 by his family. They have yet to accept him back into the family. I want you to go home and read your journal entry and then I want you to read what I've written in red. You better get going. Have a great evening!"
"Thanks Mr. Smith, have a great evening!"
"Bye!" he said to me as I rushed out of his room.
I walked as fast as I could to my locker and grabbed my stuff. Somehow, I managed not to miss Cody, Cathy and Dale. We always walk home together. Usually, we vent about our homework, or whatever else we might feel like venting on. Today, I was lost in thought. I could hear them talking but I wasn't listening. Mr. Smith had given me a lot to think about.
"Earth to Eric, anyone in there?" Cathy said to me, trying to pull me into whatever they were talking about. I just ignored her. My thoughts were much more important to me. Finally, the walk was over.
The sidewalk seemed to be endless today. I didn't want to tell my parents about my day. What was I going to say? "Today, my Quest teacher and I had a great conversation where he came out to me and I came out to him." I don't think that would make them very happy.
Sure enough, mom and dad were sitting on the couch. Almost in unison, they said, "How was your day?"
I looked at both of them while lifting my backpack from off my back. I dangled it in the air by one hand. "I ended up with a ton of homework to do. I'm going to head up to my room." I acted the way that I also acted when I had homework. Homework needs to be done first so that I have my evening to write or play video games. Arriving in my room, I grabbed a couple pieces of blank paper.
"March 3, 2008
Dear Steven Hill,
You may or may not know me. I'm the kid who somehow ended up in your gym class for the three years in a row. I'm one of your classmates in both your Quest class and your English class. I've always looked up to you. Everyone seems to like you. You have no problem saying what's on your mind. I've noticed you since the first day that I saw you back in our 8th grade year. In fact, it was kind of hard not to notice you. My eyes were drawn to you and they have been ever since. You are the reason for my yearly gym class. I guess it's just been luck that you've been in each of my gym classes. Sometimes, I go home and dream about you. Dreams where you are my friend, my best friend and boyfriend, the type of dreams that if they were real would lead to my excommunication.
I want nothing more than to be noticed by you. It's not enough for me to know who you are. I want to be your friend. I would love to be your boyfriend. No one would dare mess with me, at least not when you were around. I would feel safe around you. Still it's a bit scary even to be writing this letter.
It's scary because, I don't know if you're gay. I can hope that you are. It's on my mind a lot as of late. I just don't know what to think. I have the biggest crush on you. Maybe it even hinges on an obsession, but yeah, I also have a few x-rated dreams about you. Sorry for not putting those in this letter.
Your friend, at least in dreams, Eric Keiser"
The letter is finished. I'm so glad to have it done and now I can face the journal. Unzipping my backpack, I stick the letter into my English homework folder and then take out my journal. I open it up using the same 3x5 card that Mr. Smith had used. I read my journal again. Yeah...it was pretty much the same but then I noticed the red comments with arrows drawn to pieces of text.
"Dear Journal,
I've never admitted this to anyone else before and I am terrified, but here it goes. I'm gay! (I guess that makes me the first person that you've come out too. How does it feel?) Writing it out like that made me even more afraid. (It's perfectly okay to be afraid. Just don't be too scared.) I'm not even sure why, just that I am. I've not told anyone because I'm afraid of rejection. (There are always going to be people who hate you and people who are willing to love you. I've had both in my life. You will too.) I don't want to lose my family or my friends. (I know you don't want to lose your family or your friends, but honestly, you can't change their minds. They have to make the decision to love you unconditionally or to walk away.) My church would excommunicate for being gay and being true to my feelings. (Be True to Yourself!) They, the church, think that being gay is wrong. How can it be wrong when it's a part of who I am? (You can still be true to yourself and believe in what you want to believe in.)
(You are a great person, and you need to see for yourself. By the way, I noticed that you seem attracted to Steven. You might want to consider coming out to him.)"
Mr. Smith seems to think a lot of me. I am honestly just a little shocked. He seems to know me. If he noticed that I like Steven, I wonder who else has noticed? It would be strange if Steven knew and never said anything. Guess I can't expect him to notice me. After all, he is one of our school's top athletes. Being gay and being out would change people's image of him.
Time for dinner and then time to bed, I can't wait for school tomorrow.
As usual, Mr. Smith has our daily journal entry. Today, he has picked a question for each of us. Each of us has a question written in our journal. "When are you going to tell someone else and when are you coming out to Steven?" He had given me two hard questions. Two questions that I don't want to think about at all. "Mr. Smith, I guess I'll tell my friends today. As for Steven, I don't' know if I can ever tell him how I feel." Mr. Smith gave us ten minutes to write our answers. The rest of the time was spent talking about things we hate.
"I want everyone to stand up and name something that you hate and why you hate it. "Let's start with Mr. Keiser. Please stand up as your name is called."
I don't know if I can do this. I hate standing up and having to talk in front of groups. "I hate that have a problem with speaking up."
Mr. Smith looked at me and asked, "Why?"
"I guess because I'm afraid other people will think that I'm stupid."
"Any comments?" Mr. Smith asked.
"Don't you ever feel stupid speaking up!" Steven said, looking straight at me. Wow! I never expected him to say that. Awesome! That really made my day.
"Dale Scott!"
"I hate gay people! They are constantly trying to get others to accept the fact that they are flat out going against God's wishes."
"Anyone disagree with Dale?"
I guess it was what Steven said to me but I stood up. "God makes us who we are, and there is nothing wrong with being gay. I'm gay. I should know."
I think everyone including Steven and Mr. Smith had a jaw dropping experience. There were not anyone claps, but Mr. Smith was right. I did suddenly feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
"Mr. Hill, your turn!"
Steven stood up all 5'9 and 175 pounds of him. Steve is one of the better looking guys in the school. I wonder if Mr. Smith was dropping hints about him.
"I hate when people throw their views around and judge other people." He looked right at Dale and then sat down.
The bell sounded and as I was about to leave me seat. Dale came up to me. He looked at me with a very angry look to his face. "Eric, I think it's best that we stop being friends." After speaking, he walked out of the room. After what, Mr. Smith told me about people who quit being his friend when came out, I knew this might happen to me. I had hoped it wouldn't come down to this. Dale said it loud enough that everyone heard it; everyone including Mr. Smith and Steven. I headed off to my next hour class.
It feels so good to have the day almost over with. I can't imagine this day going on much longer. At least Miss Gonalez class was usually lively. She started off class by collecting our letters. Since it was Friday, she told us right away that there wouldn't be any homework. It's not something that we are used to hearing come out of her mouth. Friday is the day that she usually piles the homework on us. She basically spent the entire day going over business letters today. By the end of class, I was overly anxious to get home and relax.
I was in such a hurry to get out of class that I didn't notice Dale. Cody and Cathy were following close behind me. "Hey Eric, did you see the way that Dale looked at you. He seemed really cold. I still can't get over how he reacted to your news. What an ass!" Cody said as he patted me on the back. Why couldn't that be Steven patting me? We walked home together with everyone coming to over my house. We sat down on the floor and took turns playing video games.
"So Eric, are you really gay?" Cathy asked, as she took her turn at fighting Cody, the current champ in the wrestling game that we were playing.
"Yeah... I am!"
Cody turned to me and asked, "When are you going to tell your family?"
Cody knew my family enough to know that telling them would be harder than telling people at school. Oh... wait, what if Dale told someone at church? What if my dad caught wind of it? After all, my dad is bishop. I think that maybe I made a bad decision. Now all I can do is waiting and see what happens. The Journey Begins Chuck B. Page | 1