Author's Notes:
Before I get into the Legal stuff, I want to say thanks first to my editor,Pete. He always does a wonderful job. Second, I want to thank my readers. You guys are the best.
Okay, these characters are not meant to resemble any living or dead person. I make no apology to anyone who is offended by anything in this story.
Let me know what you think of the story by emailing me at Hnstskr4@aol.com
Copyright 2008 by Chuck B.
The Journey Begins Chapter 2 Wonder When
Cody's question set me wondering about my life. I couldn't get a part of his question out of my mind. "When?" I couldn't get the thought out of my head. This one single question has been burning. I just can't seem to stop thinking about my life. I pulled out my journal and grabbed my trusty pen. I set down on the floor and started writing.
When will I serve a mission? It's a good question but I really don't think that I want too. With who I am, I just don't think a mission is even going to be an option. It's not that I don't want to serve the church. It's just that they don't want me out in the field. A gay missionary in this day and age, it's not happening. When will I go to school?
Going to school may be a better idea. I can start my education and not have it disrupted by a mission. Its funny how all of this going through my mind, I want to be good and do what's expected of me but not if it means lying to others. I can't go through that. Schooling is important to me. I know it's also important to my family, but so is the mission. I suppose that I'll just have to skip the mission and go for the schooling. When will my family learn that being gay doesn't make someone bad?
I keep hoping my family will come around. My problem is that I want them to accept me. It's not going to happen unless the church changes its views. Like many other gay guys in the church, I sometimes find myself praying for the church-wide acceptance. Wouldn't it be sweet if somehow the church did find it in their combined hearts to give us some peace? There might be a slim chance of continued unconditional love in my family. My sister, Sarah, is the one source of love that I'm counting on. My brother in law, Mark, has a gay brother. Mark has made comments about hanging out at his brother's house; Mark's only brother. I hope having Mark's family a part of her life that maybe my sister's brain has had a chance to realize that gay people are no different than straight people. Why do friends who have known us all our lives walk away?
Dale just got up and walked away from me. Dale and I were blessed just a month apart at church. We've been neighbors all our lives. It's funny but I never remember a day when I didn't count Dale as a friend. Not having him around stinks big time. How long will he let our friendship lay in ruins? I've not changed one bit. The only difference is that I've let him who I am. I can't believe he just threw it away. Will he come around? I can't say for sure, but I can hope. Will my crush notice me?
I've been eyeing this guy from school since our 8th grade year. There is just something that draws me to him. I've never seemed to treat anyone like crap. Once or twice, he's broken up fights. He's one of the most outgoing guys that I know of. Mr. Smith's words are still bouncing around in my heart and my mind. It hasn't been 24 hours since he spoke me, but it filled me with hope. I want Steven to really take notice of me. I know it's risky but he seems worth it and I know that I'm worth it.
The biggest thought in my head is when the church will take notice of me. I know in time that I'll face the chair and maybe even my dad. It's terrifying and as I'm writing this entry, tears have started flowing down my face. A large drop has landed on the page and smeared the word `dad'. Could that be a foreshadowing of things to come? I hope not, but I know he's not big on gay people. He's already had his hands on an excommunication of a brother in the church. That's the rumor any way. Well journal that is the end of this entry. Good night!"
I'm up at 5:00 am and ready for early religion classes. In the shower, I had to take a few vital minutes so that a certain part of me could die down. There is no way that I want my mom to catch that in my jeans. I grab my bag and head out the door. Around 6:30 am, I am dropped off at home and I make my way to school. A part of me is fearful and excited at the same time. Today will be my first day as an out gay person. I'm not sure how far the rumors have traveled and only a part of me is worried about it. I make the walk to school in what seems to be record time. Knowing my friends, they are already gathered round the table in the lunchroom. It's become something of a school morning tradition. We all get together and go over homework, and set our schedules for what home we are going to for after school hangout. If Dale hasn't come around, I guess we'll have an empty place today. As I enter the school, it seems quiet. Faces seem glued to me. Eyes and lips are moving a mile a minute as I walk by. Have to admit, it's not very comfortable, but at least no one is punching me. In the lunch room, the path to our traditional table seems like a horrid trail littered with words and stares.
Maybe it's our close knitted friendships and those ten minutes of laughter and joy shared each morning that makes this table feel so peaceful today. Much to my surprise, Dale is actually sitting with Cody and Cathy. Well that is until I approached the table. As I got ready to take my seat, Dale got up and walked away as if he didn't even see me. How could he? How could he pretend that I don't exist?
Cody no doubt could see the disappointment in my eyes as he said, "Eric, Dale will come around just give him time."
I didn't say anything because deep down, I knew that Dale wasn't going to turn around and apologize to me. "Cody, I appreciate that you believe in Dale, but I'm not sure. "
I turned my eyes for just a second. Guess who my eyes landed on? He was sitting with a group of other seniors. Cathy tapped me on the shoulder and when I turned back around, she was smiling. She seemed happy "Go get him tiger!" she said.
"I... I... I can't, I'm afraid," I said as I turned back to Steve for a second, for just a second.
Cody looked at me seriously this time "Will you tell him?"
I couldn't tell him. "No! I just can't tell him. I'm scared." With that said, I got up and made my way to my locker.
At my locker, I realized that, unlike my home, here at school I feel totally free; free to be me. I have seven hours to be me. My schedule allows me to be free. This is my schedule: 1st hour World History – Mr. Anderson 2nd hour Ecology – Ms. Douglas 3rd hour P.E. – Mr. Davis 4th hour Geometry – Miss Baker Lunch 5th hour – Study Hall – Mr. Howell 6th hour – Quest – Mr. Smith 7th hour – English Lit. and Comp. - Miss Gonalez
I've managed to get through the first three hours of my day without having any homework. Time was running out for me though. Miss Baker is known for one thing. She is known for homework. Today she is piling on the homework. She assigned 30 problems of out of the book. No biggie, I live and breathe most of my homework. Thankfully, her class comes right before lunch.
After the stress of Miss Baker's class, it feels good to be headed to lunch. Cody, Cathy and I meet at our table. Dale comes up to me and looks at me with this look in his eye. I know that look. It's the look of let me help you. He looked at me and spoke, "Eric all you have to do is give up being gay and repent. Things will go back to the way they were."
Cody looks angry and for a second. I thought he might hit Dale. It's a side of Cody that, I've never seen. "Dale, you need to butt out NOW!"
Dale surprised me by not walking away. Luckily, I found new strength from Steven. "Look, I'm not having sex so Dale, please just be quiet." I'm really trying to be nice here. I wanted to tell him to shut up.
He looked at me with this look of rejection on his face. His mouth opened and he said something that threw me off. "Eric, you will eventually have sex as long as you continue to call yourself gay. As long as you call yourself gay, you are nothing but a faggot." He turned to walk away when a bunch of other students stood up and told him to shut the fuck up. Dale stormed away.
In my mind, I wondered if he was right. Will I have sex and force the hand of the church in excommunicating me? As much as I want to him to be quiet and leave me alone, I can't get his words out of my head. Cody and Cathy both told me to just relax and forget it about him. The bell sounded marking the end of lunch.
Nothing too exciting happened on my way to my locker. I headed for my 5th hour. There are a few teachers at my school whose classes most of the students look forward to. Mr. Howell is one of the few teachers that almost all of the kids know is on their side. On more than one occasion, I've known him to stay after school and tutor a student in the library. Each year, he heads up the charity events via the student council. The man is amazing. He is also very strict in class and plays by the book. Today, I managed to get half way through my geometry homework. I kept going back and thinking about what Dale said. It's like my mind was stuck on what he said.
The rest of the day was sort of crazy. Dale's words just kept pushing into my mind. In 6th hour, it was still with me. My journal entry was all about how I couldn't get the thought out of my mind. Something I wrote must have worried Mr. Smith because he took me outside to make sure that I was okay. Once I convinced him that I was okay, he let me back inside the classroom. My eyes didn't even glance at Steve. I was more concerned about what was running through my mind. In English, Miss G. assigned an outline for our next paper in English class.
In scouts, I finished the last of my merit badges. Having that done takes me one step closer to being done. I can't wait for it to be over. No more pressure from dad and mom to stay on track. I don't want to let them down but I am not very excited about it. I used to enjoy scouts back when I was younger. Hanging out with the older boys was cool. Now, the meetings and even the campouts are boring. Dad tells me that someday I'll appreciate the years that I spent in scouting. Right now though, I'm not appreciating it much. Any way, it's late and I need to start thinking about bed.
Actually, I need to get out my journal and do some writing it: "Dear Journal, Today has been a rough day! Dale called me a faggot to my face. He had the nerve to call me to repentance, when I've done nothing wrong. Is it wrong to know who you are? I did find the strength to tell him to be quiet. Man... I was surprised to see and hear the others stand up in my defense. The one thing that bothered me about his remarks was when he told me that if I call myself "gay" long enough, I would eventually have sex. To come to me and tell me, "... as long as you call yourself gay, you are nothing but a faggot," was pretty brave of him. It's been bugging me all day. You know what though? I can't help who I am and neither can Dale. So I guess if he wants to end our friendship so be it. I can only hope he comes around. Night Self!"
I put my journal down and turned off the lights.
At some point in the middle of the night, I started to dream. In the dream, Steve and I are together at my house. We are in my bedroom. He gets down on his knees and I can tell he is super nervous.
"Eric Keiser, will you marry me?"
I started to cry and looked at him and he was crying too. How I could I say "No" to him? I spoke as I tried to hold back my tears.
"Yes, Yes... I'll marry you!"
I was happy that I was crying and shaking. He placed a silver ring on my finger. Together, we walked downstairs to my parents, who were sitting in the dining room having some pie.
"Mom, Dad, we have some news."
In real life, I would be terrified but in the dream, I felt okay. They stopped eating and laid their forks down on their plates. They made no attempts to talk. I looked at Steve and he looked at me. He started to talk to my folks.
"Mr. and Mrs. Keiser, I asked Eric to marry me."
He didn't beat around the bush at all. Mom stood up and gave him a kiss. Dad even got up and gave me a hug. They switched spots and repeated their actions.
"We are so proud of you son!" Mom said. I could tell from the tone of her voice and her face, that she was being genuine. I kissed my guy and immediately the dream ended. I set to work writing down the dream in every detail in my journal. I didn't sleep very well either. The dream left me way to excited.
In the morning, I barely remembered to take a shower. All I could think about was telling Cody and Cathy. When I entered the cafeteria, I only found Cathy. From what she said, Cody had a doctor's appointment.
"Look just be careful and don't do anything that might get you kicked out!"
Man... she would have to get me back to earth. She is right though it was just a dream. My parents would never okay a marriage between another guy and their son.
"I just wonder if Steve even knows that I'm alive."
She smiles and pats me on the back. "Don't worry he will notice. He already knows who you are. Just be patient!"
I felt absolutely bubbly. The clouds were almost at my height. My feet were walking on air. This effect stayed with me up through 3rd hour.
Third hour means P.E. with Mr. Davis. He's a great looking guy. It's his first year teaching and all the guys have their tongues wagging after him. He is a hunk, no doubt about it, but he's a bit too old for me. I would have rather just have Steve.
He warned us that we would be in the weight room today. He went through the list and paired us up with partners to spot us while we lifted weights. Mr. Davis tends to favor the athletes so I think he paired up athletes with non-athletes. I was paired with Steve. I'm actually in great shape but Steve is in even better shape. We didn't talk about anything important other than hints on how to get the most out of our work outs. At the end of the period, Mr. Davis reminded us to take our showers. As I stripped down for my shower, I felt a pair of eyes on me. When I turned around, I thought that I caught Steve glancing at me. I got up, showered, dried off and got dressed. I had pretty much forgotten about it until lunch time.
At lunch, Cody, Cathy and I were all gathered around the table. "You're not going to believe what I caught Steve doing," I said. Cody jerked his hand in the air as suggesting that I caught him jerking off. Cathy just laughed at his actions. I glanced around to see if anyone else had noticed his actions. "No Cody, I didn't catch him doing that but I did catch him looking at me while I was changing before I entered the showers," I told them, perhaps sounding a tad bit excited. "Cathy, you were right after all, he did notice me."
Cody added his two cents and it was not what I expected him to say. "Maybe he was trying to compare his penis to yours."
Nah... he wasn't comparing, I think Steve had something else running through his mind. "Cody... You should know better than to think that." I went on to tell him about the dream that I had. His smile grew bigger and bigger as I told the tale. He didn't say anything at first. He just stared at Cathy and then glanced over at me. It was rare for Cody to have a lack of words. My dream caught him speechless.
"Eric, I think that dream is telling you something. I will bet you $100.00 that Steve and you will be boyfriends in the not too distant future, but I wouldn't go telling your parents... unless you want to end up on the streets." Cody always had that way about him. He has the power to just shake the earth with his wisdom sometimes, sort of the same way that my dad does at times. Cody had grown serious when he made his last statement but suddenly his face was all lit up. He signaled for me to look behind me. I looked back and caught Steve taking in the scenery. Steve flashed me his whites. I smiled back and turned back to Cody.
"No Cody, he could smash me." Hearing myself say those words seems like déjà vu. It's another one of those thoughts that kept running through my mind.
"Hey guys, I need to use the restroom, be right back!" I excused my and headed for the restroom. My business finished in the stall, I left the restroom only to bump into Mr. Smith.
My enthusiasm must have been beaming from my face. He pulled me aside to a place in the guidance office where we could talk and not be bothered. My dream was being retold for the third time today. He sat there and listened. A couple times, he stopped to repeat what I had said to clarify. When I was done talking, he smiled at me and for the first time today, he spoke.
"Eric, I think Steve is interested in you. I've caught him glancing at you several times today. He's even been getting glimpses in class. Just be patient like we've talked about."
Sure, I've seen him looking and glancing at me, but a part of me just doesn't see it. "Mr. Smith, I've caught him glancing at me in the showers but I think he's just comparing."
Did I say that? No... I know that I said it, but it just doesn't feel right to me. I'm lying! I'm lying to the one of my allies. I decided that I needed to come clean to Mr. Smith. "Mr. Smith, a part of me knows that he's not just comparing, but I'm still just a little bit scared that I'm imagining this."
Mr. Smith smiled and carefully patted me on the back. "I don't think that you're imagining any of it."
We took leave of each other and I returned to the lunch room just in time to dump the garbage on my tray and head to class. The next few hours flew by.
When I got home, Zach, my kid brother, wanted to hang out but I've just got too much on my mind. I don't want him knowing what's going on.
"Come on Eric, I want to play a game of basketball with you." He stood there holding the ball and looking up at me with his puppy dog eyes. I still couldn't get myself to hang with him.
"Not right now Zach, maybe later." His face had disappointment written all across it. He seemed to be left feeling a bit blue. Actually, I was feeling pretty bad too, but I wanted to be alone. Getting up to my room was a piece of cake, but in a few minutes, mom and dad were knocking at the door. Quickly, I spread out my school books on my bed and opened the door.
"Hey, what's up?"
Dad looked at the books on my bed and walked away leaving mom to speak to me. "Eric, you could have spent a few minutes with Zach. He really looks up to you. We were worried that something might be wrong."
"Nah... nothing is wrong. I'm just busy with homework." Of course, I lied to mom. I feel horrid having to lie to her but they're not ready to know the truth. I hope that I don't have to do that again. Dad always has standing appointments at church so we always have an early dinner on Tuesday nights.
Dad had been gone about an hour when the phone rang. It was Brother Fisher, my dad's assistant at church. "Eric, I wanted to remind you that you have your appointment tonight. It's your annual interview."
"Thanks Brother Fisher! I've got it written down on my calendar for 7:00 pm tonight."
There was a slight pause on the phone as Brother Fisher looked down at his notes. He is a man who lives out his daily planner. Either he is the most forgetful man, or the most organized man that I know next to my dad and me. Mom piled Alex, my 14 year old brother, and Zachary, my 10 year old brother, and myself in the family's mini-van. We headed up to the church listening to hymns the entire way. My mind keeps wondering who will be interviewing me and what will happen. Will this be the night that I find out that Dale has told my dad or one of his counselors about me? We got out of the van and everyone else entered through the regular doors, while I headed through the Bishop's entrance. From that door, it's easy access to my dad's office. I took a seat right outside his office. There were two other sisters and Dale lined up already to see the bishop, my dad.
The door opened and Brother Fisher stepped out. He reached out his left hand to me. "Eric, your dad will see you now."
Dad! No... I was really thinking someone else would handle the interview. He's never interviewed me before. I've heard it said that when dad is in the office that he can smell a lie a mile away which means, that dad will see right through me. I stood up and entered dad's office; the bishop's office. Dad stood up from his desk and gave my right hand a shake. He sat down and I sat down. Though I must admit that I wasn't very comfortable, but once I sat down it all melted away.
"Well Eric should we get this interview going."
"Yeah, let's go for it!" I admit that I am a bit gung ho. I want to get this interview wrapped up quickly. Dad started things off with a prayer and then jumped right into the questions.
"Are you drinking any alcoholic beverages?" He knows the answer to that but he has to ask everybody the same questions.
"No sir!"
He smiles and moves on to the next question. "Are you abstaining from tobacco and drugs?"
"Come on dad, you know that I don't mess with that stuff."
He just smiled and nodded his head. Right now, I am feeling very good about this interview. "Are you being honest to everyone around you?"
No... because not everyone knows that I'm gay. I just don't feel right telling him about it. "Yes sir, no secrets here."
"Good, good! Next question, are you honoring your mother and father?"
Again, there seemed to be a bit of battle going on inside of me but I won out. "Dad, it seems kind of foolish to answer questions that you already know the answer to."
He got a bit more serious. "Eric, you know that I have to ask you all the questions. I can't just favor you because you're my son. It wouldn't be fair."
Honestly, I wouldn't expect him to go soft on me in this interview. There may be a time in the future when I want him to be nice to me. "You're right."
"Good, I'm glad that you agree with me. Now, are you having premarital sex?"
"Dad... I mean Bishop, I'm not having sex with anyone." I think that I just stood up a little taller. Dad's eyes stared into mine a little harder.
"Are you viewing or reading pornography?"
"No, I'm not!" It's a bit weird to be having this interview with my dad. This part is the part that troubled me.
"Are you masturbating?"
Yes, but only recently, I thought to myself, and only when my door is shut and locked. "Nope!"
Dad just gave me this look. I thought that I'd been caught. Man... I wondered what's he's going to ask next.
"Well only two questions left to talk about tonight. Are you having any homosexual thoughts?"
Man... my heart just dropped. It's the first time that dad ever posed a question to me like that. "No sir!"
Again, dad smiled, but he still gave me that knowing look. "Well Alex, is there anything you want to bring to my attention?"
"Nope, I think that I'm good, sir."
Dad seemed a bit unsure of my last statement, but that ended the interview. He seemed to be convinced. As I walked out, Dale stared at me. I think that the smile on my dad's face seemed to throw him off. I walked down the hall to the gym where the sounds of a basketball being tossed around caught my attention. My brothers and I shot the ball around for a little while before mom came into the gym. "Alright boys, time to go home!"
We threw the ball back on the stage and turned off the lights. I was eager to get home but the look on my brothers' faces showed pure happiness. Zachary was especially happy. They seemed to be a little tired. Zachary actually fell asleep on the way home.
Once I got home, I went up to my room and grabbed my journal.
"Dear Journal, Today, I had an interview with my dad. Dad has been bishop for three years and in those years, he has never interviewed me. It was weird, to say the least. A part of me wondered if he caught wind of my sexuality from Dale. Dale's news could explain some of dad's knowing looks during the interview. I'm worried that if dad knows or suspects something that he might take steps to find out for sure.
The interview went very well today. I think that I handled Dad's questions quite well. I've already mentioned that I was worried during a couple of his questions. His looks made me feel as if he already knew something. There was something about his eyes. To me, it just felt as if dad could see something. Any way, I am going to close up the journal and go to bed."
Just as I closed the journal, my phone rang. "Hello!"
"Hey how did your interview go?" It was Dale. He should know that interviews between the bishop and a member are personal. I don't think he's trying to be rude. Dale just comes across that way at times. Lately, he's really been coming across that way.
"It went great!"
Dale didn't make a sound. I don't need to tell him my thoughts on the interview. Dale is digging for information from my time with the bishop, my dad.
"So did anything important come up?"
"Nope!"
"You mean you didn't tell your dad about your SSA, same sex attraction?"
Why should I tell my dad when I know that he'll reject me? He must think that I'm stupid or something. I'm not going to lose my home. Especially since, I don't believe that it's wrong. I can only imagine the response I'll get from Dale when I tell him that I didn't mention it to dad.
"Nope, I didn't tell my dad anything about it."
Here it comes; I know he's going to say something.
"Why not?"
"Why not? Look, you may not agree with me, but I don't see anything wrong with being gay."
I could hear Dale become belligerent. I knew he was about to explode on me.
"You're wrong. You may not want to hear it, but you're wrong. Your dad needs to know about it. I think you're wrong. Your dad isn't going to disown you over it. So when are you going to tell him?"
Now, I'm pissed. I just can't believe that he thinks it's really any of his business.
"Dale, you need to change the subject."
Dale didn't say a thing; he just ended the call. He needs to get a life. Well, I'm not going to worry about it. I'm off to bed.