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The King is dead! Long live the King!: Enter the Forest
We met online. I was using my dad's camera to make movies and post them on the internet. I was starving for attention- lying and seeking sexual validation. The world that I lived in was glazed over. I ignored the world and moved through it actually withdrawn into my own head. Every time that something misaligned from what was in my mind, the world came tumbling down. Expectation, fantasy and misappropriated energy brought me to the King.
We took the time to talk. The King has power, connections and best of all, love to give. More conversations happened and soon I was half courting two Kings. The world of normality, beauty, monogamy and fun had been found in the previous year. My attention swirled between the beauty of security and the beauty of anonymity. One King offered the glamour of a reality aligned with romance novels of the princess sort. The King I came to love most was plucked from the Story of O.
While moving towards a truer sense of self love through the love of these two men the decisions of university and direction came upon me. My parents made these decisions for me. In retrospect, I had no idea what to do. My inability to actively engage in reality had hindered my advancement as an adult capable of making a decision or understanding the ramifications of my actions. I applied to schools out of expectation. The path had been made clear but the process was a mystery. Applying to schools that didn't have application fees was my major deciding factor and if there was no essay- even better!
Going to school for an advertising degree made the most sense. My mother and father moved me towards this decision. The rhetoric was centered around their belief that if I pursued dance, I would end up on the street. Looking back on life and saying that if you made a different decision you would end up on path X is arrogant. In an attempt to be humble and not foster regret, I have no idea what may have happened if I chose the path to audition for dance programs. Dance was the escape I had used in the face of bullying, family problems and early depression. Delving deeper into the structure that built my realm of escape would certainly have made me a different person no matter the path it put me on.
The decisions had been made, the conversation about money had. My father had to be convinced to pay for my schooling as I was not a respectful or grateful child. I flew to NYC for early orientation. Along the way my excitement was spilling over into the relationship with the Kings of Diametric Beauties. The King of Anonymity spilled forward with the most attention. He sent encouragement. He sexted. Gravity grew as we became closer together- following the physics of huge stars.
Showing up in NYC was so overwhelming. Smiles on my faces- none on theirs. Noises I was enjoying because it was all so different than what I was used to. I showed up on the first night available- earlier than most of the group. I had no idea where to tell the cab to go. I was anxious and showed up at the wrong gate. Calling public safety, walking around queens and eventually ending up in a golf cart over to the residence area I was in a haze of uncertainty, excitement and adrenalin. Everyone was nice and distant. Leading me to the room I was staying in, the second to last on the third floor, was a person that I still don't remember. The room was small but my roommate hadn't showed up yet. I got undressed and showered, all the while texting Anonymity.
The words Anonymity used would send electricity through my skin. His words worked on me as music does in a silent film. Utilizing intelligence and tantalizing my imagination to build an image of him. Nothing works better than imagination- he slowly came to make that his domain. Without having felt his touch he came to inhabit me. Sharing the ruminating thoughts I had in shame, we found intimacy. Unknowingly displaying my shadows, Anonymity shared his resources. I craved intensity, he fed this quest. The forest of my shadows was to be bravely mapped. The King of Anonymity gave me weapons, horses and shared in the process himself. The forest was breached in a dorm bed on the second night of orientation. Security was not guaranteed, stakes were seemingly high and there was no guide except nerve.
After a full day of going around campus, meeting people and being a generally obnoxious 17 year old in the middle of new people I had my own laptop. Most of my time that I spend at home was alone, watching porn, looking at men or thinking about sex. At the age of 13 I had a full and ravenous desire for sex. Looking at porn meant using the family computer, erasing history, dodging people coming into the living room or not caring and stroking my dick directly behind their backs. The school I was attending gave out a laptop at orientation. Obtaining my own laptop was a freedom that equated to throwing C4 on an already questionably high campfire.
While I generally got along with women easily, men were a different story. I was always wondering whether to seduce or fight them. Tension between myself and other guys made me generally avoid them or drive them off. The women who I had met during orientation were so much fun. I was enjoyed as an accessory "gay" and I reminded them a lot of their "friend from back home." When the planned events ended and we were brought back to the dorms that night we were then bound to be there for the night. Orientation rules stated that once we were at the dorms for the night, we were not allowed to leave. Boys and girls were separated by floors and mixed together for entertainment. Following along to hang out, I enjoyed a short amount of time in a small room with a lot of guys, a few girls and myself. The guys were stirring with laser intensity- sizing up, free from parents and on full flame hormone rocket boosters. Uncomfortable because I was not the item of their desire, I excused myself.
Opening the door to my dorm, I was greeted with lovely quiet- the feeling a fly gets when you leave the room and they are free to roam. Newly fangled freedom and tools meant it was time to use them to open up. I started texting the King of Anonymity. He was responsive and excited. He said he wanted to satiate my need. He sent texts with pics of guys. Men- large, throbbing and muscled with the wolf in their eyes. I couldn't break the rules. I was so turned on, I stared out the window and thought of these men, their location in the world and what they may be thinking- hole, plow, rough, man, dominate, open, stick, blow, nut. With a hard on, i hopped on the squeeky twin bed and opened up the laptop. I sent a text, "I am getting on skype."
My roommate walked in. I remained cool while my body was on fire. Heat, electricity and pressing were in my spine, base and head. He was quick, stating he wouldn't be in the room much. Of course I lied "I am probably heading to bed soon." He left and I immediately got only skype. The king was there, hiding. Eminence in a dark room. The reflection of me in his screen in his glasses was the only signifier that he was watching. His voice was smooth, it licked the spiking heat in my body with refreshing calm. With his power, he commanded me to show him how i would obey. He stated "fingers, 2", I obeyed. "3", inserted, "4", I was nervous and that made it better. accomplishment flowing through me as I pushed myself to please myself. Next, i pulled out a bottle, teasing and pressing it slowly, easily, joyfully inside of me. Once this object had fully entered me, I lost all sense of place. No longer could I hear the people walking outside my door. The room full of people next to me vanished. I was inside of me. Safe, beautiful and happy. The King relished teaching me this way. He closed skype and left me to enjoy the state I had reached. After I had come back, sounds meshing into my ears, lights become fluorescent and the temperature lowering in my body he sent a message.
"You're beautiful."
I was in love.
Thank you, Please email me any responses, edits or thoughts, Flint: exactingly@me.com