A PROMISE AND A CURSE by Stefan
Where we left Chapter One -
"And what about you Ben?
I couldn't stand it if you are with me because you inherited
the urge to help the ill ones from your mother and actually
don't give a fuck about myself, my very being. If so, you
must go. Or I will go. But you can't answer me, Ben. You
are much too far away from me."
CHAPTER TWO
"I met Oliver in a club after my return from Hamburg where
I had taken refuge after Marcus and I had broken up.
Again, my memories swirl in my mind like Oliver's wheel
of colors . . .
Lying there under the protection of a woolen blanket under
the bare, pale and dawning sky I could see his face in the
clouds above me. The abundance of blond hair falling over
his lovely small ears down to his shoulders, the blue eyes,
later, often dark ringed and at the end, glazed and without
life.
But what did I care about at that time. Those happy times
when I had been in love again, trying to forget Marcus'
absence and substitute another in his place.
What did I care that Oliver was a callboy and sold his arse
as often as he could. I had nothing to lose any more.
From that morning on, when a call drove me to the next hospital
to have my own AIDS test to find out that I had it too.
Have fun, Simon, the Grim Reaper whispered.
Take as much as you can.
And I did. But it wasn't fun. I couldn't forget the examination
room. It was always there. Always. When I drank, when I ate,
when I slept, when I had sex.
But life goes on. I can't get used to living without
you by my side. I don't want to live alone.
God knows how I will make it on my own.
Oliver tried to make me forget and he succeeded to a certain
extent. We lived and we loved, except for those times he was
on his trips and unreachable to me."
"I don't think I can do this," Ben sighed while staring at the model of a house standing in front of a mirror. He knew that perspective drawing gave him problems. He glanced suspiciously at Frank, in his white smock, wandering slowly around the students. Then Ben looked at Nick's paper sheet and his hand moving the pencil so easily over the paper, drawing perfect, straight, lines.
Nicholas looked up and smiled at him. "Sure you can. Concentrate first on the model in the foreground. Then the mirror image. You can do it. Here, take my sharpener, your pencil is too blunt."
Walter-Udo watched both lads with a sinister look. The one with the dark blond hair with the new fashionable haircut and the other one with the black silky ponytail. Those fairies, he muttered under his breath. Suddenly he sensed his teacher behind him.
"Why haven't you started your work, Walt?" Frank asked. Walt took his pencil and began to draw a pretty crooked line which he tried to connect with another oblique line. Frank squatted beside him and Walt backed away automatically. He couldn't stand the closeness of that dirty faggot.
Frank's forefinger pointed to the line and took the pencil from Walt's hand. Heaven knows where that finger had been last night, Walt thought disgusted. Frank drew perfectly straight and improved the drawing with a few lines. Then he sighed and stood up and went to the next student. Walt's gaze followed him.
"I have signed up for the sculpture class this morning." Ben whispered into Nicholas' ear.
"Yeah? That's great. By the way, Marcus told me to bring some of your drawings to his birthday party."
"Really? Which ones? Only the drawings?"
"Don't know, bring what you want. He wants to have a look at your work."
Ben's ears reddened. "Have you given him your present already?" he asked.
Nicholas grinned. "First a blow job when he was still sleeping," he whispered back.
Ben snorted, "I'll bet he enjoyed it."
"You'll come to the party tomorrow, will you?" Nick asked.
"Of course. I'll bring Simon. If he feels all right, that is."
"Oh yes." Ben had told him about Simon's breakdown. "I really hope so. Sebastian and Kay will arrive tomorrow. It's a surprise so keep your mouth shut, please."
"Oh, Simon will be most pleased to see his brother again. Me too."
"You should indeed shut your mouth and begin your task." Frank's sharp voice sounded behind Ben's back. Ben rolled his eyes but took his pencil again. "Don't forget your condom when you fuck with Simon." Frank's voice was sneering and barely audible.
"I can take care of myself, thank you." Ben raised his voice. "One thing you apparently can't."
All eyes were turned to Ben's face, he blushed for a second but held his composure. Frank went away without saying a word. Ben met Walt's brooding eyes and he shivered involuntarily. He couldn't make out the reason for that glare and looked briefly at Nick who seemed to grin.
"Shit," he thought. Simon was a constant pain in his heart. He knew that he couldn't understand how this tough guy Frank had chosen the profession of a teacher - a field of activity which needed empathy and the ability of knowing how to handle people. Ben couldn't deny that he possessed these personal traits to a certain point; Frank could be friendly, open and funny. But his dark side he had disclosed when both had been alone in Frank's flat a month ago.
Frank seemed to be excited about his painting talent and offered to give him private lessons. Ben had been there several times but the last visit had turned out pretty unhappily.
Ben took off his glasses and stared out of the window, knowing that Frank would notice but he didn't care about that at the moment.
Oh yes, Nick had warned him not to get too involved, but Ben never took this advice seriously. But the memory of the unexpected touch on his shoulder made him flinch again now on his stool. It had been Frank's firm grip and he had smelled his after shave.
He had turned and met his teacher's piercing blue eyes. He knew instantly what Frank wanted from him. And Ben knew that he wanted the same. He began to sweat, the blood rushed from his head to the center of his body, giving him an instant erection. He lifted his hands to Frank's shoulders, outlined the upper arms, and let them rest at his waist. Just above the belt of Frank's trousers. His fingers weren't trembling as he was afraid they would be, but he firmly gripped the body and fumbled with the belt, unfastened it and pulled down the zipper of Frank's dark blue jeans.
Frank's eyes widened and he pushed Ben's hand away.
"Is this what you want, you little slut?" he hissed.
Slut? This should have been a warning but Ben lost all inhibitions.
"Yeah, do it."
He was taken aback by the pictures all around Frank's bedroom walls which didn't seem to fit the picture Ben had imagined of Frank. The stout, pierced leather guys with open flies, showing their fat, erect pricks, their daft facial expressions. But he forgot about the pictures as Frank began to literally rip his clothes off. It turned Ben on so much, that he yanked down his own T-shirt and jeans with the same speed.
He couldn't wait to see Frank naked, that light skin covered in fine blond hairs. Frank gripped Ben's balls very firmly and painfully; he cried a bit but didn't mind.
Then Frank sat on the unmade bed and with one long, deep rush, Frank sucked his penis into his mouth. Ben cried out once more in pain because Frank's fingers squeezed his balls, crept further to find his hole and tried to pierce it.
Ben tried to escape but the sucking mouth sent so much pleasure through his body that he simply couldn't move and tried to spread his legs to avoid the burning pain as Frank shoved his finger into his arse hole. But then something flashed through his mind and he drove his fingers into Frank's shoulders and pushed him away. Frank's teeth grazed the sensitive skin of his penis and once more he suppressed an outcry.
Frank fell backwards onto the sheets. Naked and somewhat vulnerable he laid there, his legs spread and ready for Ben.
Before Frank could think clearly, Ben was over him at full length, spreading his legs even further and pushed a spit wetted finger into Frank's hole, which caused Frank to gasp sharply and shout, "Stop it, man! I'm not the one who gets fucked!"
Ben felt Frank's attempts to escape but he pushed his finger deeper into Frank's arsehole. "You never get fucked?" he said, hardly aware of what he did or said. He only felt the wriggling, fighting body under him and the desperate urge to shove his cock deep into Frank's bowels so much he almost lost his mind. Almost.
With a jolt Ben rose suddenly and released the grip on Frank's body. He watched him silently creeping higher until he was at the top of the bed where he sat with his knees pulled to his chin, panting, staring hatefully at Ben's swinging, erect cock between his legs.
At this memory, Ben's face reddened in shame. What had he tried to do? Turn the tables? He remembered clearly Frank's scared face - a defeat by all means for his teacher, a sign of weakness.
Ben ran out of the flat and while he was running aimlessly through the streets to calm himself down he had come to understand why Nick had warned him to not get too involved with Frank. Nick must have had the same experience and the fuck had been painful . . . so painful that Nick had left the Academy to be far away from his abuser.
He put his glasses back on and glanced at Nicholas again. His face was calm and relaxed, absorbed in the work he did. Poor lad, he thought. He had gotten a faint taste of how brutal Frank could be and later Nick had admitted that he wasn't able to free himself as Ben had done.
After this realization, Ben went running back to Frank's flat, full of anger and revenge he wanted to take for his friend. Frank was pleased to see him again so soon and over his face was plastered a complacent grin. "Ah, still horny for a good fuck, Ben?" he said.
"Shut your fucking mouth, Frank," Ben shouted. "What the hell did you do to Nick? You wanted to make me believe that Nick is in love with you and was keen to get this" - he pointed to Frank's still uncovered cock - "into his arse?" Ben laughed. "You're a coward. And you are pretty dumb in bed, my dear Frank."
Frank's face was angry. "What are you talking about! Get the fuck out of here, and don't come back."
But Ben's rage hadn't fizzled out yet. He stood there, staring into his teacher's face and imagined Nick's helpless attempts to get out of here.
"YOU are the one who is useless, kid." Frank continued. "YOU are the one who's afraid of a good fuck, isn't it?" He grinned nastily.
Ben's sight was a blur. All he wanted was that Frank shut his mouth, so he slapped him right in that nasty, grinning face. Frank backed away and wiped over his mouth. Ben's nail had left a bloody trace on his cheek.
He jumped forward but felt Ben's foot kicking him painfully into his ribs; he broke down, holding his chest and panted for breath, looking amazed up to Ben's flushed face and waited for the next attack. The pain in his ribs changed into a hard erection but as he tried to get up he saw Ben turning and slamming the door behind him.
Ben's cheeks burned at that memory. He had hurt somebody and he still felt ashamed about that. What he feared most was that he had lost control at Frank's somewhat brutal encounter, that he himself had been able to get free from the threatening rape, to feel a rage building up in his own being to gain the strength to beat Frank and the urge to shove his cock deep down into Frank's bowels. He had never done this before, the only man he was ever with so far had sensed that Ben would like to be a bottom and Ben did enjoy it.
But at that certain moment, Ben had sensed a different feeling and he was afraid that he could lose control again whenever he should get the opportunity to lie with Simon in the same bed. But it was impossible to do any harm to Simon, wasn't it? He had his own share of sorrow and it was time for him to start another life. Ben wasn't concerned really about Simon's infection, there was protection enough.
Afterwards he had learned from Simon that it was this night when Frank had picked up Simon at the railstation Zoo where he waited for customers and took him home for the entire night. He fucked him madly without protection. That Simon was HIV positive, Frank learned a few days later.
Ben sighed. Frank might be as he was, but it was certainly Simon's responsibility to take care for the health of his customers. From what he learned from Simon, Frank didn't leave Simon any choice. It happened too fast, too harshly, was too full of animal lust.
He watched Frank looking at his watch, clapping his hands and saying, "Enough for today. See you all again on Monday."
Ben sighed in relief. A bit dumbfounded, he gathered all his stuff together and put it into his rucksack.
"See you tomorrow, Ben," he heard Nick saying, watching him carefully. "Is anything wrong with you?"
Ben shook his head. Nick smiled at him. "Don't be late. I'm looking forward to your coming to the party."
He watched him rushing out of the room; apparently Marcus was waiting for him in front of the Academy. Lucky guy, he thought.
"It took me awhile to recognize that Oliver was taking
drugs. He was good looking; he worked sometimes as call boy,
sometimes as model for several gay magazines. It wasn't that
he was a radiant beauty but he possessed the special something
a photographer was able to show. I saw some of his glossy
prints and I fell instantly in love with them - and, of course,
with his funny personality.
He was much different from Marcus - and you, Ben. Oliver took
life for fun; he didn't have your serious quality I learned to
value. And for that matter he suited me very well. Neither was
he shocked to hear about my state of health nor had he any
inhibitions about that. He certainly lived in the fast lane -
his whole life.
He took me with him to his customers and left me waiting in his
car or, for a very few times, I shared the bed with him and the
customer - mostly old geezers or inhibited family men. Gosh,
that wasn't fun, but I was used to it since Jo had dragged me
to do the same in Hamburg. Crap, that's another story I owe
you . . . have a little patience with me.
Oliver's flat was a blast; I never knew that he earned so much
money to afford it. And still I don't know exactly the point
when everything began to fade.
It was the day I moved in with him when I noticed that he was
taking drugs. Speed in the morning, a snort of coke in between,
ecstasy in the evening and valium for sleep. It made him feel
good so I wasn't seriously concerned. What did I know about it?"
End of Chapter Two. More to come