Hereby part 1 and 2 of "The Learning Years", my weekly soap on Eduard Barken's first year at the Leiden University. (Leiden is a city in Holland and is pronounced "lighten", with a D)
I hope you like it, I hope you'll come and read more of my stories on my homepage: http://www.geocities.com/willie_hewes , and I hope you will write to me any and all comments you'd like to make: williehewes@yahoo.com.
The learning years
"I really should warn you about one thing, though."
"What?"
"I'll break your heart." He looked very serious, almost sad. I asked him what he meant.
"I mean, if you're... if we will... I like you."
"Yeah, we've been through that, you like me, and I like you."
"And if it stays that way long enough, I'll break your heart. I don't know how, It doesn't necessarily mean I'll fool around or anything, I just know that I'll break your heart. It's like a jinx, a curse. And it's more likely to be sooner than later."
He put his hand up into his sleek, blonde hair and pulled it in front of his eyes. I stared at him, dumbstruck. What could he possibly be trying to say? Was this some lame way of saying he didn't want me after all? Just my luck...
"You don't have to be startled, I just thought it was fair to warn you. I'm cursed. Everyone I ah... go out with, I end up breaking their hearts."
I tried to think of something to say. It all sounded like some kind of sick joke, but he sure looked very serious. Could he really believe he was cursed? If so, he was weirder than I thought. "It's ok," I stammered finally, "I'll, I'll take the risk." I laughed at this stupid situation. But he brightened up immediately. With a big smile on his face, he said: "Good! I'll see you tomorrow night then, jah?"
"Yeah." I was completely surprised. He planted a kiss on my cheek and turned around before I could recover. With large, swift steps he walked down the avenue. His long leather coat waved after him like a vampire's cape.
For many reasons, he was the most interesting person I had met all week. But at that moment, I just wondered if I would ever see him again.
We met on Thursday. The night the Venga Boys played at Quintus. The introduction week of the Leiden University was so crammed full with activities, that by Thursday the very idea of attending a Vega Boys concert, packed stiff against a bouncing, beer-sprinkled crowd made me sick to my stomach. I told my mentor I didn't feel so good, and was going to bed early. After a short speech on social behaviour and group spirit he let me go. Thank God. I had been waiting for a little break in the program all week.
The Leiden University Intro Week, which was for some reason abbreviated to ELCID, was supposed to be a week of fun; "get to know all the cool pubs and clubs in town, the frat houses, and of course your fellow students!" but it sure wore me out. Our ever-happy mentor dragged us from one end of town to the other, club life seemed hardly my cup of tea and my fellow students were mainly annoying. At night, we were expected to sleep on the floor in a large empty building where the lights never went out before the sun was up. One of the girls in my group fancied me, and she never missed an opportunity to make that known as loudly and annoyingly as possible. I would never have to see her again once this week was over, but for the moment I was stuck with her, and the others in my group. You understand I was glad to get away from this for a moment. And I knew where I wanted to go.
Among all the useless free junk the studentlings got on Monday, there was a leaflet from COC, the Dutch gay-rights organisation. I think I blushed when I discovered it, and I quickly slipped it into the free issue of Elsevier magazine. (Comparable to Time). That night, lying in my sleeping-bag ignored by everybody, I read it from beginning to end, and memorised their program for the ELCID week, determined to find a way to leave my mentor-group and go there on my own. Apparently they had a little cinema here, on Tuesday they played "Jeffrey", and "Interview with a Vampire" on Thursday. On Thursday, when I finally got away from the group pressure and nervously waked down to the small club. On Thursday when I met Him.
As I walked from the COC to the "dormitory", my head was spinning with thoughts of Charlie. He had come to see the film as well, although he had already seen it before, and afterwards, he talked to me. He even bought me a drink.
Charlie told me he was a student too, biology second year. He often came here, and said I should see the place on a Friday or Saturday, when everyone was there and having fun. What Charlie didn't tell me was that he had made his coming out a while ago, and he had has his share of Fastlove, that he was single and very much interested in tasty freshmen boys. He didn't have to tell me. It was perfectly obvious.
It was August, but the night was cold, and I didn't have a coat. For the thousandth time, I wished I had my bicycle here. I wondered if Charlie would be home yet, and what he was doing. He shared a home with four others, he said. Would he tell them where he had been, and who he had met? Or was our encounter business as usual for him? Would he go to bed, and pause in front of them mirror as he was undressing? Would he smile at how stunning he looked in his black leather coat, his thick-rimmed glasses that made him look so intellectual? Was there a wide, muscled chest under his NOFX T-shirt, or would he frown on a little lovehandle? I was growing hard. Would he be thinking of me? He did say he liked me...
I imagined him, stripping down his trousers in from of the mirror, admiring his own strong, slightly hairy legs. There was a very obvious bulge in his underwear, and he squeezed it... He stripped completely naked now, and aimed his weapon smiling at his own reflection. His full lips parted slightly as he started to stroke himself. His pink, wet tongue darted out, and he licked his lips...
I was now only a block away from the dormitory, and in desperate need of some privacy. Once inside, I needn't think about finding a quiet place. I looked around. There was no one here. Would I dare to take such a risk? Before I had time to think about that, I had already hid myself in a dark corner of an alley. Leaning against the brick wall, I zipped open my trousers and started to jack nice and slow. I imagined he was here with me in this alley, pushing me against the bricks, putting his knee between my legs, kissing me hard. My eyes fixed on the narrow ribbon or stars overhead; I began to come, as secretly and silently as I could. And believe it or not, but that night I slept as soundly as ever in my own bed.
Part 2
Friday was not such a bad day to be alive. For the first time that week, it was actually sunny. We were served an early breakfast in the cafeteria of the Languages Department. My group complained about my not being at the Venga Boys concert, but I hardly paid any attention to it. I was thinking about that night. Perhaps Charlie would invite me to his place. Perhaps I would finally...
I was distracted, the others were talking about the pub-crawl and that was scheduled that night, that would end in disco IN CASA. I decided I would just pretend I was going along, and simply lose sight of the rest of the group somewhere. Who even cares. As of tomorrow, I would be free from these people. Only half of them would even be following the same courses.
In the early afternoon, we got stranded in the Van der Werf-park. On the little improvised stage a group of students was trying to engage the audience in some kind of experimental theatre. I was lying on my back in the grass, and would have been perfectly happy, if Tish would have left me alone. As I told you last week, she had an eye on me, and now, on our "last day together", as she put it, she thought it was necessary to have a talk. Same old story, I told her I wasn't interested, she took it personally. Too tedious to tell, really. I should skip to the fun bits.
About twenty minutes after I had given my fellow introductees the slip - in a rather inelegant way - I entered the COC bar. They had emptied the little theatre room, and it opened up to the rest of the bar. I was surprised to see how big the place was. There was no one here yet, almost. Three lesbians were standing in a corner. I asked the woman behind the bar if I was too early.
"You're a bit early, but don't worry, there'll be more people here soon. In an hour, the place will be crammed."
She introduced herself, and the other two people behind the bar, and made small talk with me, for which I was grateful. I hate having no one to talk to.
It didn't take long before there were more people to talk to. Like last night, they were really all sorts of people. Men, women, young and old, some wonderful pieces of extravagance, others looking like your typical neighbour. After a while, I thought all these people could not have more than one thing in common.
A Turkish or Moroccan boy came in wearing a pair of sunglasses. He took them off once inside, and looked around if there was anyone he knew. I smiled at his secrecy. Thinking I smiled at him, he smiled back. Should I go and talk to him? Well, never mind.
Later, I was talking to a boy my age, with a pierced tongue and a ring through his eyebrow. He asked if he would buy me a drink.
"You really shouldn't waste your drinks on me," I told him. "I'm waiting for someone else."
"The best ones are always taken," he sighed.
"Well, I'm not really taken," I said hastily, ignoring the compliment, "I just met someone here yesterday, and..."
He asked who it was. "Maybe I know him." I told him his name was Charlie and he smiled a bit smugly at me.
"Oh, you're one of Charlie's, are you? Better watch yourself, he'll break your heart." Before I could think of an answer, he had moved away. One of Charlie's? What? Feeling a bit upset, I ordered another cola.
Finally, when it was too crowded to keep an eye on the door all the time, Charlie came in. He saw me before I saw him, came up to me and greeted: "Hey, closet-boy! Glad you could make it!"
"Hey, I said I'd be here..."
Strangely, I didn't really feel more comfortable now that he was here. The place was crammed by now, like the bar-woman had told me. I hate being in a crowd. Charlie was worth it, though. He was so cute... The music was so loud we had to shout in each other's ear. I loved being so close to him. I think he kept his voice down on purpose, so I would pull him closer.
Charlie dragged me away from the bar and we danced, although there was barely any room to move. I was asthmatic as a child, and was beginning to feel a bit stifled, but I was still doing ok. Still. But then, when a large group of students came in the door, already drunk, I suddenly didn't feel so good anymore. I had lost sight of Charlie, and couldn't find him anywhere. Someone spilled beer on my shirt. I panicked. It's hard to explain what happened, but I suddenly got warm all over, couldn't think clearly anymore, and I just HAD to get out of there. I made for the doors, certain that if I stayed, I would get hysterical, or faint, or something. Something like that happened a couple of times before, I remember I once got stuck on a little train station between Leiden and The Hague, because I had to get out of the overcrowded train. I stood on the quay for half an hour, waiting for a train that wasn't so crowded, and in the end I took a train back home.
The COC is in a broad, empty lane called the Langegracht. Further down is the police station; across the street is a bleak factory with dirty windows and a chimney as high as a church tower. The street was deserted. I took a deep breath and stood still, hugging myself. The fresh air felt good in my lungs. Maybe Charlie would be angry I left him like that, but I couldn't go back in yet. Maybe in a moment. Maybe not at all. Maybe I should just go and forget about the whole thing. Yeah, that's right. Run away, like you've always done. No, I would stay here for just a moment, then I'd go back in. Cars drove by. The wind carried a faint smell, something chemical. I would stay here, just for a moment. Just a moment.