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Chapter twenty: Smother me
I never dream. They say everyone dreams, so I guess I was just one of the people who just didn't remember his dreams. At least, I hadn't dreamed anytime recently. I thought of sleep as the one time that I was at peace. My problems were always reserved for when I was awake.
But then I had a nightmare.
I won't say that I remember every detail, but I remember enough. I was in the Gordon house. I was in Dennis's room, lying on his bed. I couldn't get up. I couldn't move.
And then Mr. Gordon was there. He wasn't screaming at me, not like he screamed at Dennis. But he was laughing. Hysterical laughter, the kind that makes you hold your sides and brings tears to your eyes.
That laughter frightened me. It didn't seem normal. It wasn't normal. His eyes never closed. He just laughed, and looked at me, the whole time, his eyes boring into mine. And then, he wasn't alone.
My dad was there. Unlike Mr. Gordon, age hadn't left his physical attributes with more than a little left to be desired. He was a tall man, still in shape. Strong. He looked like an older version of my brothers. But mean. Really mean. His face had that hard, disapproving look. And he wasn't laughing. But he spoke. It was just a whisper, `worthless faggot.' I don't know if it was the words, or the soft, menacing voice, but it made me jump.
And then Dennis was there. He walked towards the bed while Mr. Gordon laughed and my father just watched, calmly, peacefully. Too peacefully. I tried to move, but something was wrong. I couldn't even open my mouth to speak, but I could feel the dampness on my face; tears. I could feel the fear, not knowing why Dennis was walking towards me, and the humiliation of being laughed at while I cried.
I stared up at Dennis. He looked peaceful, like my dad. I tried to plead with him, with my eyes. It churned my stomach, knowing that I was begging Dennis. He was supposed to help me. He was supposed to understand me. Oh god, Dennis Gordon was the only one who could really understand me. I felt an overwhelming sense of dread, realizing that.
And then Dennis was over me; serine, peaceful, but he looked sad. I wanted to scream when he knelt down and kissed my forehead. What a strange gesture, a kiss. Like a mother tucking her child in for bed. I wondered why my mind had conjured such a thing.
`Worthless faggot.' My dad whispered. I looked at him, wanting to tell him so many things, wanting to tell him that he was wrong, if he would just give me a chance...I'd show him how I wasn't worthless. Maybe it wasn't to late to show him that being gay didn't make me worthless, or weak.
Mr. Gordon laughed harder and I turned my attention to him. It was like he was reading my mind. Laughing at my thoughts. And he was wearing a clown suit now, of all things. A blue clown suit with purple and green lace trim and puffy sleeves. He even had one of those red noses and the big shoes. The better to stomp you with, my dear...
Dennis pulled the pillow out from underneath my head and then smiled a happy smile.
`We'll make it all better, won't we faggot?' Dennis grinned, right before he shoved the pillow down over my face, smothering me as I tried to scream.
I shoved the pillow away from my face, or what I thought was a pillow, which it wasn't. When I heard the thump I sat up, looking around and feeling panicked as I slowly discovered where I was.
I was in my room, in my own bed. I didn't remember falling asleep there. The last conscious thought I remembered was being curled up next to Aiden on the sofa. But now, I was in my room and the glowing numbers on the clock claimed that it was just before midnight.
I touched my face, still feeling the tears there. I had never actually cried in my sleep before. The idea that I had, pissed me off. What kind of pussy cries in his sleep? And I was shaking. Shaking all over, the kind of shaking brought on by a pounding heart and an entire body covered in a cold sweat.
The light came on and I shielded my eyes, feeling disoriented as I looked around the room, only to see Aiden on the floor. Apparently I had knocked him out of bed. He looked annoyed as he waited for his eyes to adjust and when they settled on me his brow knotted and he looked concerned as he quickly got up and climbed back into bed.
"Jesus, Owen." He frowned. I must have looked like shit, because he looked like he wanted to hug me, and if I wanted to be honest, there was nothing I wanted more than to latch onto him like a stubborn child. Unfortunately, my body had other ideas. I think I shocked Aiden when I suddenly pushed him aside and ran from my room, but it couldn't be helped.
A moment later I was over the toilet wrenching my guts out. And it hurt. I hadn't really eaten anything substantial since breakfast and each time I heaved I could feel a sharp twisting pain through my whole body. The shakes weren't helping either. I could still hear that awful, hysterical laughter in my ears and feel my dad's eyes on me. And then there was the horrible feeling of Dennis's lips pressing against my forehead.
I could also feel Aiden's soothing hand on my back, but it seemed so far away. And then there were voices, Tony and Chris first.
"What happened?" Chris asked, "Owen?"
I couldn't respond. Too busy puking.
"I think it was a nightmare." Aiden said gently.
"I'm going to see if I can find a doctor who's still up." Tony said, sounding overly worried.
"No!" I managed to get out, holding up my hand, before I went back to heaving again. It was just dry heaves now, more painful than before.
"Owen..." Tony started, I could hear the frown in his voice, and then it was Jake to the rescue.
"Let's give him some space." Jake insisted. Thank god for that.
I heard one of my brothers mumble a few curses, but then they left. But not Aiden. He stayed with me. I slowly got my stomach under control and dropped down to my knees, exhausted. I felt one of his arms around my chest and his chest against my back as he reached forward and flushed the toilet.
I was feeling that whole humility and shame thing again, having turned into a sobbing, puking mess in front of the people I cared about most, and even as Aiden murmured soothing nonsense behind me I couldn't even face him as I stood up and pulled away.
I grabbed my toothbrush, and after squeezing a good amount of toothpaste from the tube, directly into my mouth, to rid myself of the vile taste, I went to the shower and didn't even bother with the cold water as I kicked off the boxers that at some point I had stripped down to, and climbed in.
I could hear Aiden, still in the bathroom, and while his presence was comforting, I wasn't sure what to say to him as I began to calm down, thoroughly brushing my teeth. When I was finished doing that, I managed to get my toothbrush on one of the shelves before I squatted down and held my face in my hands, suddenly not wanting to be so far away from the ground.
I wasn't used to waking up with a train wreck of emotions clouding me. What seemed worse was that I could remember the dream and I had no idea what it meant, but it had been enough to upset me.
I could smell soap and couldn't help the way I flinched when a sponge came down on my shoulder, but when I looked up to see Aiden kneeling outside of the tub, worriedly washing my back I felt myself relax again.
"I'm sorry." I croaked. My throat felt torn up from all of the heaving and it hurt to talk.
"What happened, Owe?" he asked, moving the sponge against my neck and sending a chill down my spine.
"I don't know." I mumbled, "Just a stupid dream."
Aiden gave me a quizzical look, but when I didn't meet his eyes he leaned forward to kiss my temple, obviously not caring if he got wet. I tilted my head towards him, closing my eyes and trying to replace the sickening feeling of the light kiss in my dream with the feeling of his lips, and I frowned when he pulled back.
"Why don't you rinse off." Aiden suggested, "I'll be right back."
He left me and I managed to make it to my feet again, picking up the sponge and adding more scope. I scrubbed every part of my body that I could reach, feeling somewhat grimy as I tried to relax and clear my head.
All of my thoughts and emotions seemed so mixed up. My dad. Mr. Gordon. My mom. Dennis. Mrs. Gordon. I had freaked out all because of a reminder of that one night. It's hard to explain. I didn't know how I was feeling about any of it. But, earlier at Dennis's house, the safe world that I had created here, suddenly didn't feel so safe anymore.
I liked it better when I wasn't thinking about it. When I thought about it, that night with my dad, I became a prisoner in my own mind. I asked myself questions that would never be answered. Like, why? Why did he have to hurt me? Why wasn't I ever good enough? Why didn't my own mother care? Why did I care about what they thought, if they hated me so much? Did they hate me? My own parents? That seemed so hard to believe. Maybe they didn't really hate me. Maybe they just hated what I was. But why? Why couldn't they just accept me?
I thought about Dennis, too. I wondered why his parents treated him the way that they did. I wondered if his mother had ever even loved anyone, and his dad...why wasn't he good enough for his dad? John Gordon raised assholes, right? Well he had succeeded with Dennis. But why did he call Dennis a worthless faggot? It had to be just words, meant to hurt him. Dennis was one of the most homophobic people I knew, which was why I hated the fact that I sympathized with him.
I could hear low voices coming from the living room as I toweled off, hoping that my brothers didn't expect me to come out and talk. I just wanted to go back to bed. I knew that they were worried, and as I physically began to feel better, I felt bad for worrying them. I felt bad about worrying Aiden too, and even Jake. But, like I said, I didn't want to talk. I wanted to go to bed.
There was a soft knock on the bathroom door before it opened and I didn't bother with covering myself once I saw it was Aiden. He was carrying a clean pair of boxers and a t-shirt.
"Thanks." I said as I took them and started to get dressed while he watched. Actually, the concerned way that he was watching me was making me nervous.
"How do you feel?" he finally asked as I finished pulling on the shirt.
"I'm okay." I insisted, "Tired, I think. I want to go back to bed."
I wondered if Aiden knew that I was having trouble looking him in the eye. He probably did, because when I moved towards the door he stepped directly in my path. I'm not sure why I was having trouble looking at him. Maybe it was because I wanted to believe that I really was okay and I thought that if I looked at him and saw how worried he was, I'd have to admit to myself that I wasn't okay.
It was hard to ignore him when he placed his hands on my hips and stepped closer, though. I found myself looking him in the eye then. He was definitely worried, but he was also making it clear that he was there for me.
I rested my head on Aiden's shoulder, finding it very comfortable there as I wrapped my arms around his back and hugged him. Aiden let out a breath, almost relieved, as he hugged me back, and I felt fingers combing through my still dripping hair.
"Don't be worried, okay?" I mumbled, "Not about me."
"I can't help it." He replied, "I'm not the only one either, you know. It's not right, Owe. If what's upsetting you is making you sick..."
"Please," I whispered, "Please, let's not talk about it. Not right now. I just want to go to sleep."
Aiden pushed me back a little, enough to look at me, and my lips hardly had time to respond when he leaned down and pressed a gently kiss to them, before he pulled back again.
"What are you going to tell your brothers?" Aiden asked, "Tony's talking about taking you to the emergency room because you're sick."
I sighed, closing my eyes for a moment before lacing my fingers with his and leading the way out the door. I wanted to head right back to my room, but instead I made my way to the living room where Chris was staring blankly at the window, or rather, the closed curtains covering the window, and Tony was on the sofa with his arm around Jake. They all looked tired.
"Hey," Chris frowned, turning around to look at me, "Are you feeling better?"
"Yeah." I nodded, squeezing Aiden's hand, "Sorry I woke you guys up. Um, I'm just gonna go to bed, okay?"
"Owen..." Tony started to stand up.
"It's really late." I interrupted. "Can we not do this now? I just want to go to sleep."
"I really think..." Tony frowned.
"Yeah, get some sleep, Owen." Chris interrupted, "We'll talk tomorrow."
"Thanks." I mumbled.
I tried to ignore how obviously annoyed Tony looked as I turned and headed towards my room, with Aiden behind me, his hand moving to my back. I knew that Tony wanted to talk to me, but at the moment I wasn't quite ready for that. Emotionally I was drained, and after all of the vomiting, physically I was pretty weak too. Bad dreams or not, all I wanted to do was sleep.
Unfortunately, once I was in bed, I couldn't get comfortable, even when Aiden was with me. For a good ten minutes I tossed, trying to get to sleep, but every time I closed my eyes the images from my dream were back again. Aiden finally got fed up enough with me that he wrapped his arm around me, placing his hand firmly on my back and pulled me forward until my chest was against his.
"Hey." He said gently.
I opened my eyes, and to my surprise there was a bemused smile on Aiden's face. But, it was still a smile, and despite the foul mood I was in, I was happy to see it. But I suddenly wanted more than that smile.
"Aiden? Just kiss me, okay?"
And he did. He tightened his grip around me turned towards me, rolling so that he was practically on top of me, and the moment I felt his tongue on my lips I opened for him and tightened my arm around his back, sliding my hands down to his ass and pulling him closer as he thrust his tongue into my mouth.
I could feel his cock, hardening as he ground against me and I continued to pull him closer, more firmly against me. I wanted to feel his weight on me, and the warmth of his body, his smell, and I wanted to taste him on my mouth. I wanted that familiar contact that made me feel like everything was all right.
I slid my hands under his boxers and cupped his ass with both hands, arching up against him as I pulled him down against me and Aiden looped his arm under my knee, lifting it up against his hip as his weight dropped between my legs.
But, it didn't seem to matter how much I wanted him, or what he did, even when he slid his hand between our bodies and cupped my groin. I was completely soft, and that didn't seem to be changing. And it was entirely frustrating.
When Aiden realized that my condition wasn't improving, he didn't pull back, but he rolled us onto our sides, still kissing me, but softer, as his hands moved to my back and his legs tangled with mine.
I broke the kiss and rested my forehead against his for a moment before I dropped it onto his shoulder and groaned.
"Shit." I cursed. This is not what I needed. The last time I went soft it was for months. I seriously hoped that I wasn't developing the same problem again. I won't even try to explain how humiliating it was for this to happen with Aiden.
"Hey," he whispered, cupping my cheek and guiding my head up to face him, "We're both just tired, Owe. Don't worry about it."
I flashed him an annoyed look and reached down, wrapping my hand around his erection through his boxers, and made him jump.
"You're not." I pointed out, aggravated that he would even suggest that.
Aiden leaned forward as calmly as ever, pressing his lips against mine and nipping at my bottom lip, I opened for him, pressing back against his tongue while he gingerly reached down and guided my hand away from his cock. When he wrapped his arm around me and held me only gently, I couldn't help the way that I sank against him.
"Sorry." I mumbled.
"There's nothing to be sorry for." Aiden insisted, "What did you dream about Owen? Whatever it was, it must have been bad. You woke me up...maybe I shouldn't have tried to wake you..."
"I'm sorry I pushed you off the bed." I said, kissing his neck.
"Yeah," Aiden chuckled, "My ass hurts."
I laughed, but it sounded rusty, like I hadn't laughed in a while, which wasn't the case, and it ended abruptly. I ran my hand down his back and gently rubbed his butt, hoping that he wasn't too sore.
"So what did you dream about?" he asked again.
"Aiden, I don't...it's just that..."
"You don't want to talk about it." He sighed.
"I'm sorry. Right now I'm just so..."
"It's okay." He insisted, cradling the back of my head with his hand. "You're tired. Let's just get some sleep."
So I closed my eyes, and eventually, I did get to sleep, without the tossing and turning.
No alarm. No Aiden, gently brushing the hair back from my forehead to wake me up. I woke up in my room alone, feeling hot from the sun pouring through the window, warming my blankets.
I nearly freaked out when I saw that it was already ten-thirty. On a school day. Why the hell hadn't anyone woken me up? I jumped out of bed, feeling a little panicked and pulled on the first clothes that I grabbed out of my closet, before I hopped out of my room, pulling on my socks at the same time. I made it to the front door, and as soon as I reached down for my shoes a voice made me jump.
"You're up." I spun around to see Jake standing in front of the kitchen. He smiled at me, before turning around again, "Come on. If I can find my way around your kitchen I'll make you breakfast."
Confused, but curious, I forced myself to slow down and I followed him.
"Jake, where's Tony? I was supposed to be at school..."
"Consider it a free day." Jake interrupted, "No one wanted to wake you up this morning, so I volunteered to stay so you wouldn't be confused when you woke up."
"Too late for that," I mumbled, scratching my head as I took a seat at the table. "Why wouldn't anyone wake me up?"
"Owen, are you kidding?" Jake replied, "After last night, you're lucky that Chris talked Tony out of taking you straight to the emergency room. You sort of gave everyone a scare, getting sick like that."
I frowned, remembering last night well enough. I really didn't need a reminder.
"I'm fine." I groaned, "I just need..."
"Don't kid yourself." Jake replied, "You're not fine." I watched him pour a glass of juice and he slid it in front of me as he took the seat across the table. "Look, about yesterday...I wanted to apologize, I never should have kept you at that house. You told me..."
"I warned you about me and Dennis, Jake. You couldn't have known that any of that would happen with his dad. It's not your fault."
"Maybe." He sighed, obviously unconvinced but unwilling to argue. "What do you want for breakfast? I think Tony mentioned pancake mix around here somewhere."
"You don't have to do that." I insisted, "I'm not hungry anyways and I really should get to school. It was nice of you to stay, Jake. But, don't you have things you need to do anyways?"
"Nope." He smiled, "Not until this afternoon. And you don't have anything to do either. I'm under strict orders...you're not to leave the house until Tony gets back from his classes. He wants to talk to you."
I stared, a little annoyed with this announcement, and Jake laughed at the look on my face.
"It shouldn't be that much of a surprise." Jake pointed out, "Your brothers are worried. Now where's that pancake mix?"
"I'm fine." I frowned as I got up to go look for stuff for breakfast. "Yesterday was a bad day. That's all. I just wish everyone would stop worrying."
"And I wish that you'd stop saying your fine when you're not." Jake replied, "Have you thought about talking to someone, Owen?"
"Like who?" I asked, "You mean a shrink?"
"You obviously have a lot of issues to deal with when it comes to your parents. A physiatrist might be able to help."
"I've talked to councilors before." I frowned, "When I first came down here."
"Yeah, Tony said that you didn't respond well to them."
"Does Tony tell you everything?" I asked, a little annoyed.
"Sorry kiddo," Jake smirked, "Pretty much."
"Well, he was right about the shrinks. I didn't like talking to them." I admitted.
"Why not?"
"I don't know." I shrugged, "It would be okay for a while, and then they kept trying to bring me back to that night...they just pushed, you know? It didn't matter what we were talking about. It would always end with, `what happened the night you left your parents house?' I couldn't stand it."
"Well, if you don't talk about it, how do you expect to deal with it?" Jake asked. "I mean, yesterday and last night couldn't have been easy on you, Owen. If you're getting physically sick over thinking about this, then maybe it's time for you to get help. And, if not a councilor, then maybe you should try talking to Ben."
"Ben?" I asked incredulously.
"He's good at stuff like that." Jake shrugged, "It's actually what he's in school for... he's easy to talk to, Owen. He helped me out with some stuff a while back. You might just feel more comfortable talking to Ben instead of a stranger."
"I don't think so." I frowned. "I'd rather just...I just don't want to talk about it."
"Well," Jake shrugged, "If you change your mind, I've got Ben's number."
"Thanks." I sighed, "I mean, I know you guys are just trying to help. I just think that this is something that I want to deal with on my own."
"As long as you know that you don't have to do it alone." Jake replied. "I know we don't really know each other, but if you ever just wanted to talk, Owen..."
"Thanks, Jake." I smiled, "And I do consider you a friend. I just think some things, I need to learn how to handle on my own."
Jake gave me a strange look. He obviously didn't agree with something that I said, but eventually he smiled and let the subject drop, and I was grateful for that. We were able to turn to a few lighter topics. He told me that I could take as much time off of work as I wanted, but I also had the option of going back to work at the apartment complex, which I was seriously considering. Working had become part of my routine. I didn't like the idea of too much free time on my hands, especially on the nights that Aiden worked.
I ended up cooking Jake breakfast, instead of the other way around, and I even sat down and ate with him. But, I sort of wanted to get to school. Despite my problems, I knew that Aiden was still having his own issues, and school was a part of it. I at least wanted to be there for him.
Besides, I'd be lying if I said that I was looking forward to talking to Tony when he got back. He'd probably want to talk about my problems too. At the moment, I wanted to forget about my problems. Actually, I just wanted to burry them again. And that led me to doing something that I normally wouldn't have done.
When Jake went to use the restroom, I wrote a quick note for him and Tony, saying that I went to school and I'm sorry I didn't wait, I grabbed my bag, and I left. I wasn't sure how pissed off people would be about it later, but honestly, I didn't care. I felt like I needed to get out. It wasn't that Jake wasn't good company, but at the moment, I wanted to see someone else.
I made it to the school just before lunch. I had about fifteen minutes before Aiden's class let out, and I couldn't think of anything better to do rather than pace outside of his classroom.
It was probably ridiculous, but I felt a little nervous over facing Aiden after last night. He had probably seen me at my worst. And then I had avoided his eyes. And then I came down with a little impotence problem that was embarrassing as hell. I mean, the last thing I wanted was for Aiden to think that I didn't want him. And what kind of teenage boy couldn't get it up? I was ashamed of myself, even more so, of my flaccid cock.
I was also worried that Aiden would somehow see me differently now. Maybe he'd know that I wasn't as tough as he'd thought. Aiden had his own problems to deal with; he didn't need to deal with mine too. An emotionally unstable, impotent boyfriend was probably the last thing that he needed.
I shook myself, knowing that it was unreasonable to be feeling like Aiden might break up at me after seeing what a freak I had turned into last night. After all, he had been supportive. I should be thanking him, not doubting him.
I glanced at the clock, hoping that the bell would ring soon so I could see Aiden, only to find that not even two minutes had passed. My mouth was beginning to feel dry, and all of the pacing was making me feel thirsty. I decided to take advantage of the extra time I had and turned the corner to walk down to the soda machines outside of the gym.
The door to the weight room was open, but all seemed quiet as I tried to feed my money to the soda machine, which kept spitting my dollar back out at me. I pulled the bill back out and tried to straighten it against the edge of the machine, feeling annoyed that it seemed so difficult to pay for one damn soda, when a strange cry suddenly broke the silence. Actually, it was more like a growl, or grunt, but to me it sounded like someone was in pain.
The soda forgotten, I turned into the weight room only to find Dennis Gordon on the bench press, without a spotter and obviously, too much weight. His arms were shaking, trying to keep the bar off of him.
I dropped my backpack and walked around the bench, grabbing the bar.
"I didn't fucking ask for your help, Dovan." Dennis hissed through clenched teeth, "Go away."
"Oh, shut up," I frowned, exasperated, as I carefully helped him lift the bar. It felt strange, standing over him like that. I was reminded of my dream, only in the dream, our positions were reversed. I wondered if me standing over Dennis like this made him feel nervous. At least I wasn't holding a pillow to smother him with.
When the bar was secure, his hands just dropped to his sides and he made no move to get up. I didn't wait for him to; I retrieved my backpack and headed for the door.
"Where the hell are you going?" Dennis called after me.
Confused, I turned back and looked at him. He was still lying on the bench, staring up at the ceiling. I noticed that his knee was wrapped today. I wondered if he was actually planning on playing in the game tonight, even after what the doctor said.
"Do you need help with something?" I asked, confused by his question.
"No, I don't need help you dumb ass." He snapped, "Just give me a second."
I watched as he placed a hand on his chest, catching his breath. I wondered why he wanted me to wait, and then I realized that he probably wanted me to wait for him to recover so we could have one of our fights, and despite myself, I laughed.
Dennis lifted his head and glared at me.
"What the hell are you laughing at?" he demanded.
"Forget it." I shook my head, turning towards the door again, "Just...be careful next time you work without a spotter."
"You know, you don't know a damn thing about me, Dovan." He called, causing me, against my better judgment, to look back again. "I didn't ask for your help. I don't need your help or anyone else's. You can pass that on to the prick you're working with."
I frowned. He was obviously talking about Jake. Jake mentioned that he had interrupted Dennis's father from tearing into him. Obviously, Dennis was the ungrateful jackass that I always knew he was. But, something about the way he'd said that pissed me off. I mean, if someone would have intervened when my father was pounding me into oblivion, I would have been grateful. Maybe Dennis's situation yesterday hadn't been as bad, but still.
I think the worst thing was, that I actually understood some of what Dennis was going through. It was even harder to admit that Dennis probably had it worse than me. I'd had it hard, but I wasn't so watched by my parents that I couldn't even sneak off to see Dan. And as unhappy as I was, I had never been as...alone, as Dennis seemed to be. I wanted to hate him. At least when I hated Dennis, thing made sense, but after yesterday, I felt sorry for him. But now I was mad at him too. I was furious that after everything that his dad said to him, he couldn't even be the least bit grateful for Jake's intervention.
"Yeah, fine," I scoffed, "I'll be sure to tell Jake not to interrupt next time before your dad actually kills you."
He got up then.
I dropped my backpack reflexively when he got in my face, expecting a fight. But, no blows came, he just stared me down while I held my ground. This seemed to be the normal for Dennis and I. It was strange, the way that this usual tension between us felt almost comfortable. Only this time, it was different. His eyes were troubled, angry but sad, nostrils flaring, he almost looked, panicked.
"It's not like that," he stated, almost in a whisper. I could hear the emotion in his voice. I had obviously struck a nerve, and just like that, my anger towards him turned to sympathy again. "You don't know what you're talking about."
"I know that he's wrong." I replied calmly. "Your dad. He's wrong, you know. You're not worthless...well, maybe you are, but not because he says so."
It was strange, saying that to Dennis. It was almost like I was saying it to myself. It was refreshing, like I had just realized something for the first time. I had been ashamed with myself for my reaction to Dennis's dad, but maybe, I wasn't the one who was supposed to be ashamed. Maybe Mr. Gordon was. Maybe my own father was. But not me. Not even Dennis.
"He just wants what's best for me."
I stepped back, surprised. I couldn't tell if Dennis was trying to convince me or himself of that. And why would he try to convince me of anything? I guess I was just surprised that he was even continuing this conversation. It seemed so much more like him to throw his fists to settle his problems.
"You mean so you won't turn out to be a faggot?" I replied.
Dennis's eyes snapped back up to mine, furious again.
"I am not a fucking..."
"I'm not saying you're anything." I interrupted. "Just that your dad...it was an interesting choice of words...that's all. And, if he wanted what was best for you, he wouldn't be trying to run you into the ground, you know." I glanced down at his knee, "You shouldn't play today, not for him."
"I don't care what you think!" Dennis suddenly snapped, but then took a step back and sat down on the bench, mumbling his next words, "I don't care what any of you think...he's just...hard. He doesn't hurt me."
"Maybe he hasn't yet." I replied, "But what happens when you really disappoint him?" I wasn't sure where this was coming from, my need to convince Dennis of anything, to be his voice of reason. I didn't even know why I felt almost relieved to be talking to him like this.
Dennis dropped his head in his hands, and after a few minutes passed without him responding, I thought that the conversation was over, and once again I was lifting my backpack.
"Who was it for?" Dennis suddenly asked, almost inaudibly.
"What?" I asked, turning back, confused.
"That fight, when your dumb ass got us all suspended...you once said that all of that `lashing out' wasn't meant for me. Who was it for?"
I looked at him blankly, but not because I didn't know what he was talking about. He was talking about that night behind the gym during one of our confrontations. I remembered every detail of that night; probably because that night was the first time that Aiden ever kissed me. I guess I was just surprised that he remembered.
"My dad." I finally replied, surprised that I was admitting that to him.
Dennis just stared at me, thinking about something that I couldn't read. Maybe he was just realizing that we had more in common that either of us cared to admit. Just because he was silent, it didn't feel like he was dismissing me. Part of me wanted to walk away after my last admission, but instead, I backed up and sat down on a nearby chair.
It was strange, how I had left my house because I didn't want to talk to anyone about my problems, and yet I was sitting here with one of my worst enemies, feeling almost comfortable with the idea of discussing this with him. And it was all because of one thing; Dennis understood.
I'm not sure how long we just sat there. At some point the bell rang and the thought of going to meet Aiden crossed my mind, but I still didn't move. Maybe it was that whole misery loves company thing. Dennis was miserable, and since yesterday I had been pretty miserable myself. I guess I just wasn't ready to walk away from him.
"We're not friends, you know." he suddenly said, looking alert again.
"I know." I was quick to reply.
"Because I can't stand you. You're still a bitch."
"Don't sound so worried, Dennis." I smirked, "You may not be worthless, but you're still an asshole."
Dennis almost smiled at me. Almost. I think he was much more comfortable when we were at each other's throats too. Not that I liked fighting with him. But, I have to admit that the usual tension was a lot more comfortable than the tension I felt with him now. Especially after last night's nightmare when he tried to smother me with a pillow.
"Why didn't you tell?" I asked, before we could slip back into silence, "That first day that I was working at your house, you could have told your mom who I was. Why didn't you?"
"I liked seeing you squirm." He smirked. It was almost another smile even, but it quickly faded. "Did you like seeing me squirm?"
"No... I wanted to." I admitted. "But I couldn't. Your mom was..."
"Yeah." He coughed.
"And your dad..."
"I know." he nodded.
"Why do you...why do you put up with it?"
"Why do you?" he retorted.
"I don't." I stated, "Not anymore. I mean...I don't live with my parents anymore. But, even when I did...you're not like me."
"I'm nothing like you." He agreed.
"You're older." I replied. Dennis was a senior, if I remembered correctly. And he was older. If he wasn't already eighteen then he must have been close to it.
"You think I can just leave?" he practically laughed at me.
For some reason, the fact that Dennis wasn't trying to get out of his situation bothered me. Maybe I was angry with myself too. I couldn't really see any options that I had to escape my parents back when I had really wanted to, but maybe I could have tried....
And Dennis, he could just leave. He was old enough that no one could stop him. But maybe he had nowhere to go. I guess whether or not he had somewhere to go, didn't bother me. It annoyed me that he was just staying there, regardless of the way I felt about him, he was staying there, with that mess that he called a family and it disturbed me.
"You could." I replied. "It probably won't be easy, but..."
"You don't know a damn thing about me." he snapped "Why do you care anyways?"
"I don't." I frowned. "I mean...fuck. Look, it's just...I don't know." I suddenly stood up and started pacing. He must not have found the sudden movement threatening because he just sat there and watched me. "Maybe, I don't know much about you. But, I do understand what it's like...and it pisses me off. I thought...I thought that maybe I was over this shit, and then yesterday when your dad...it all came back." I stopped, sitting down again as quickly as I had gotten up and looked at him again, "And do you know what the worst part is? I have all these people who I care about, trying to help me and I cant talk to any of them. It's like, you're the only one who would remotely understand."
"So what? You wanna be buddies or something?" he shook his head.
"No." I stated. "I don't want to be anything. I don't even want to talk to you."
"So don't." he shrugged, "Why don't you just walk away? It's not like I have anything to say to you, either."
"Because you haven't walked away yet." I pointed out. "And I can't walk away. Not anymore. Walking away...it doesn't help anything."
"You think you can help me?" he scoffed.
"No. Yes...maybe. I don't know. But, if not me, then someone. If you can't get out then you could tell someone..."
"Fuck, you sound just like that asshole you're working with." Dennis interrupted, "Why don't you guys just give it up?"
"Jake?" I asked.
"Whatever." Dennis frowned, "Mr. High and Mighty who acted like he could come in and make everything better. You guys don't know a damned thing."
"I thought...Jake just interrupted." I frowned.
"Yeah, before he pulled me aside and asked if I wanted to get out of there. What a fucking asshole. Acting like he actually knew something about it. Well guess what? He didn't. And you don't fucking know a damn thing either! Don't act like we're some sort of kindred fucking spirits just because your old man shoved you around a little, Dovan. You don't know anything about my life."
I was beginning to feel frustrated. Talking to Dennis was almost like talking to a brick wall. But for some reason I didn't know how to let this go and walk away.
"Oh, fuck you," I sighed, annoyed, "If you didn't think I understood at least some of it we wouldn't be having this conversation. And not that it matters what you think, but my `old man' did more than shove me around a little. He did the same thing that your dad will do if you stay where you are. And you know it, too. Maybe you just don't want to hear it. Or maybe you do, and that's why you haven't told me to get lost yet."
"Well I'm telling you now!" he snapped, "Get the fuck away from me, Dovan, and stay the hell out of my business!"
I guess that meant that the conversation was indeed, over.
"Fine." I frowned, "But you should think about it, getting out of there or...something."
Sighing, I pulled my bag over my shoulder and headed towards the door.
"Owen."
Stunned, I glanced back. I don't think Dennis had ever called me by my first name before. I didn't even know that he knew it.
"You're not, either." He said quietly, without looking at me. "Worthless... if anyone ever said that to you. But we're not the same. Don't even try to understand me."
Trying to understand Dennis was nearly impossible, if you asked me. Hearing him say something that was kind-to me-was not only shocking, but it actually meant something. I wasn't sure what...but something.
Maybe I'd take his advice with the last part, though. It would be easier if I didn't try to understand him. But, I had a feeling that this thing-whatever it was-with Dennis, was far from over.
Reilly Chesely. I was going to have to get over this jealousy thing.
It was selfish, I know. But, when I finally caught up to Aiden, Reilly was already with him, at the same table we had been using all week. I was not in the mood to spend the next half hour of my life watching someone else flirt with my boyfriend. Well, not really flirting. I don't think Reilly actually knew how to flirt. Worship was more like it. He was beginning to follow Aiden around like a lost puppy.
I couldn't really blame him, though. No one really messed with Aiden, at least not in a physical way. I think they all knew that he was one of those `pesky faggots who fought back.' With Reilly, people pushed him around whenever they could. Even the girls, I'd noticed. It was pathetic. I mean, maybe he was small, and maybe he had been outed in the worst way I could possibly imagine, but the way that he hung his head and walked through the halls, much like someone walking a gauntlet would do, it was no wonder that he was a target. At least when he was with Aiden no one bothered him.
But, I didn't like the idea of him relying on Aiden like that. Maybe that was because it was only Aiden. Reilly hadn't even attempted to make any other friends. Even when I tried to be nice to him, he'd ignore me as much as possible, or pretend that he hadn't heard me and turn his attention back to Aiden.
I made a note to myself, as I headed towards the table, that I'd have to talk to Reilly about whatever issues we seemed to have with each other. It was clear that Aiden liked the kid, and if we were all going to be hanging out together I wanted to know for myself that Reilly Chesely didn't think of my boyfriend as anything other than a friend.
It looked like they were working on homework as I approached. Aiden noticed me coming first and looked twice. First his eyes widened in surprise, and then narrowed in disapproval as he left the table, to Reilly's surprise, and came towards me.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, looking concerned now.
"So I guess you're not happy to see me." I frowned.
"You know I didn't mean it like that, Owe." Aiden sighed, " I just thought you were staying home today. How are you feeling?"
"I'd feel better if people would stop asking me that." I snapped, immediately feeling bad about it. "Sorry." I sighed, "I didn't mean to..."
"I know," he smiled sheepishly, touching my arm.
I looked down at his hand on me and hated that I couldn't just hug him. Then I glanced behind him, at Reilly.
"Do you think we could talk?" I asked, "I mean, lunch is almost over and you have to go to class...I was going to see if I could find Ryan..."
"I already told Ryan that you wouldn't be showing up." And after seeing the worried look on my face, he quickly added, "He thinks your home sick." I trusted Ryan, but I didn't want to add to the list of people who were worried about me.
"Fine," I sighed, "But could we...I just don't want to wait until after school."
"Yeah," Aiden smiled, "Actually, there's not much going on in my next class anyways. And, I already got your homework. We can get out of here, if you want."
"That would be...good." I smiled.
"Come on," Aiden said, patting my arm where he was touching it, "Let's say bye to Reilly."
I glanced over Aiden's shoulder again, looking towards Reilly, who was watching us intently.
"Um, why don't you go ahead." I insisted, "I'll meet you at my truck."
Aiden gave me an inquisitive look, almost annoyed. He knew I was avoiding Reilly, but it wasn't going to be helped. I just wasn't in the mood to deal with the kid right now. I turned and walked away, before Aiden could argue with me, and ten minutes later we were both sitting in my truck as I tried to figure out where to go.
"Why don't you like Reilly?" Aiden suddenly asked. I wasn't entirely surprised by the question.
"It's not that I don't like him." I insisted, "I think it's more...we don't really click. And it's not just me you know, you could ask him the same thing."
"I did." Aiden said thoughtfully.
"When?" I asked, glancing over at him.
"Today. Just before you got here, actually." Aiden shrugged. "I think he's afraid of you."
"Afraid of me?" I laughed, "That's probably just because he knows that I know he likes you."
"Still jealous?" Aiden smirked.
"A little." I admitted, "But it didn't really bother me because...well, I didn't think that you liked him. Not like that."
"But?" Aiden frowned.
"But," I sighed, "After last night...it's just that...shit. I'm sorry about that, you know?" the last thing I wanted to do was talk about my inability to form a proper erection, but I felt like I needed to say it. "I was sort of thinking that if you thought I couldn't...then..."
"Then maybe I'd get bored and go find someone else? Like Reilly?" Aiden asked. He was definitely annoyed.
"I know it's stupid." I agreed. "But Reilly is just so...I mean, it's obvious that he's completely infatuated with you. I guess I can't really blame him, though. I can see what he likes."
Aiden gave me a small smile, but it faded quickly.
"Owen, about last night...you have nothing to be sorry for."
"You don't understand." I frowned, dropping my head on the steering wheel. "It's not the first time it's happened."
"Seriously?" Aiden sounded surprised. Too surprised. I cut him a glare and he at least had the decency to look apologetic.
"Why don't we get out of here?" he suggested, "We can go somewhere and talk."
"Where?" I asked.
Aiden thought for a moment, looking out the window and then smiled at me.
"I know," he said, "start driving."
We ended up at a familiar location. It was the same pizza place that Aiden had brought me too during our first date, only now it was open and crowded. I was disappointed, mostly because I wanted to talk to Aiden alone, and I'd rather have been somewhere where I could at least hold his hand if I wanted to.
But, I should have known that Aiden would surprise me. He always did. Jake's aunt, the one who owned the place, wasn't there today, but after a quick conversation with the young girl working behind the counter Aiden was leading me through a set of double doors and into a whole new section of the restaurant, around a corner and to a secluded booth.
We didn't bother with ordering food, only a couple of sodas. Aiden was still full from lunch and the small amount of breakfast I had eaten with Jake didn't seem to be sitting in my stomach right. I guess my appetite had disappeared somewhere with my libido.
But, finding my libido seemed more important than finding my appetite, especially when Aiden slid into the booth, next to me and moved his arm around me, sliding his hand up the back of my shirt for the much needed skin to skin contact as he leaned forward and kissed my neck.
"So when did it happen before?" he asked. I should have known he would pick up the conversation there. "Was it when you were with that guy...Dan?"
"No." I said quickly, looking at him, "I mean, it never happened when I was with someone before, not until last night." and then I realized how bad that sounded, "But it's not you! I mean, it was me, really. I'm just fucked up."
Aiden actually laughed. He seemed to do that whenever I rambled like an idiot.
"I'm sorry." He shook his head when I glared at him, and then he became serious again, "So if not then, when did it happen?"
"Right after I left my parents house." I sighed, "And it lasted for months. I didn't even bother jacking off until..."
"Until?"
"I met you." I admitted, causing us both to blush.
Aiden broke the slightly awkward moment in the best way possible, softly kissing the side of my face until I turned my head and met his lips, pressing gently and then wanting more. I traced his bottom lip with my tongue, feeling him smile as he opened and welcomed my tongue into his mouth.
After the last twenty-four hours, kissing Aiden felt perfect. And I had to admit that kissing him in a public place felt liberating, even if there was no one there to see it. It made me wonder how it would feel to kiss him in front of anyone I wanted. Or maybe not just kiss him, but hold his hand, or touch him without counting to three because anything longer might look suspicious.
I was smiling when we pulled back and Aiden nudged my nose with his.
"What?" he smirked.
"Nothing." I sighed, "I just like the idea of kissing you anywhere."
Aiden smiled and kissed the end of my nose before pulling back again and a more serious expression crossed his face.
"Owen, this `problem' you have, I think it's normal."
"Normal?" I gaped at him.
"Think about it," he shrugged, almost sadly, "Owen, what happened with your dad was traumatic. I'm not really surprised that your body reacted to it. I mean, last night you were only reminded of it and you got sick."
I frowned and turned to look at the wall, mainly because there was no window to look out. I did not want to talk about my current physical insufficiencies. Actually, I was tired of talking about any of my problems. And thinking about them. I didn't even want to think of the discussion I had with Dennis, if you could call it that. The more I thought about whatever moment we had shared, the weirder it seemed.
But, as much as I didn't want to think about any of it, I zoned out thinking of it anyways. I wondered if Dennis and I would talk again, and I wondered if he was even going to think about skipping the game tonight. I wondered if he was going to think about getting out of there. Probably not. It almost seemed like he had no other choice but to stay there and take it. I wondered if that was true.
I wondered if I was in trouble. Jake had made it pretty clear that Tony had wanted me to wait for him. My brother obviously wanted to talk, and he wouldn't be happy if he came home and I wasn't there. Chris would probably be annoyed too when he found out that I left after Tony asked me to stay. But, I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want everyone telling me what I should do, or who I should talk to. I just wanted to forget yesterday had ever happened and move on with my life.
Lost in thought, I was only vaguely aware of Aiden's hand on my knee, until it began to move up my thigh and I felt his lips on my ear just before his teeth grazed my lobe. I leaned into Aiden, sighing, trying to concentrate on the way that his mouth moved over my cheek, and then down my neck as his hand moved up and down my thigh and I let all of my jumbled thoughts wash away as I leaned into him, closing my eyes and turning my head until I felt his lips on mine and his tongue teasingly dipping into my mouth.
I lifted my hand and cupped the back of his neck, guiding him closer to me, despite the awkward position of sitting in the booth, and Aiden had no trouble leaning into me as I deepened the kiss. When he moved his hand, further up my thigh and brushed the slight bulge in my pants I jumped, realizing that maybe I wasn't so impotent after all.
I wasn't completely hard, but I was pretty sure that I could be if this continued. And, as much as I'd like that right about now, we were still in a restaurant. Aiden probably picked up on that too because he pulled back and smiled at me. It was one of those smiles that he seemed to have after making his point, which he had obviously done.
"I think you're gonna be just fine." He smirked.
I laughed, pulling him back to me for another quick kiss.
"You just needed to relax." He added, after I broke the kiss.
"I guess so," I smiled, leaning into him and resting my head on his shoulder as his arm went around me, "I want to relax, you know? It's just hard when everyone wants to talk about...stuff. Tony's going to freak out when he comes home and I'm not there."
"You left without telling anyone?" Aiden actually sounded worried.
"I left a note." I shrugged, leaning closer against him, "Tony left Jake to `watch over' me. I just needed to get out of there. I think everyone's just over reacting."
"They're just worried about you, Owe." Aiden sighed, "I think you should call Tony."
I groaned and pushed away from him a little so I could see him better.
"I'll talk to Tony when I get home." I insisted, "He just wants to talk anyways, and I'm tired of talking."
"And what talking have you done?" Aiden practically laughed, "Other than saying that you don't want to talk about it?"
"Not you too." I groaned, "come on, can't we just leave it alone? I had a bad day yesterday. I'm sorry I freaked everyone out but I'm fine. All I want to do is stop thinking about it. I just need a break. And you do too," I added, taking his hand and lacing my fingers with his, "That's why we're getting out of here this weekend and we're going to work on relaxing together."
"Owen..." Aiden frowned.
"No." I stated, "Don't. Don't say that you don't want to go just because of yesterday."
"I just don't think it's a good idea." Aiden explained, "We can still go, just maybe not so soon, and you know that Tony and Chris will be against this now, especially Tony."
"They'll come around." I insisted, squeezing his hand, "Don't back out now, Aiden. I need this, and you know that you could use it."
"That's not the point, Owe." he argued, "There are things that you need to deal with here. I know you don't want to talk about it, but..."
"I don't want to talk about it." I interrupted, "And I'm getting sick of hearing everyone telling me that I need to. Why can't everyone just leave me alone?"
"Because we care about you." He said quietly.
I looked at Aiden. He was still frowning, and I was getting awfully close to fighting with him. I didn't want that. I knew that he was worried, and I wished that he wouldn't be, but there wasn't much I could do about it now.
I have his hand a tug as I turned to face him, pulling him to me and resting my forehead against his. Aiden still looked annoyed, but I could feel him relax against me.
"Please don't worry." I insisted, "I really am okay. I just... need a break."
"You have to deal with it, Owen." He replied, "You can't just let it go."
"I know." I nodded, "And I'll deal with it. Just, not right now, okay?"
I watched as his expression slowly softened and he let out a breath as he gingerly leaned forward and kissed the corner of my mouth.
"Alright." He relented, "I still want to go. If, you at least talk to your brothers first, you know Tony isn't going to be happy about it."
"It'll be fine." I insisted. "I'll talk to them. Just expect to be leaving tomorrow morning."
When I took Aiden back to school, it was only because he insisted that he needed to go to his last class. I thought about going to mine, but after missing the whole day, I didn't see the point. Besides, if I went home there was a chance that I could make it home before Tony got there, apologize to Jake for running out on him, and hopefully convince everyone that I was well enough to go away with my boyfriend this weekend so I could regain the libido I had been worried about losing.
I walked Aiden to class, and after he convinced me that he'd get a ride with Leo after school and that I shouldn't show up to pick him up, I headed out. Considering the way that my day had started, I was actually feeling pretty good by the time I was on my way out of the school. I credited that feeling to spending a few hours with Aiden. And when I saw Phil Clayton hassling Reilly Chesely in the hall, I almost didn't even let it ruin my good mood. Almost.
Phil was following Reilly, dragging out several insults, taunting Reilly as he tried to hustle to his class, puffing on his inhaler. I guess it shouldn't have surprised me that Janie was following behind Phil, laughing. What did surprise me was the way that Janie was holding Phil's hand.
Yuck. Gag me. Janie and Phil? I guess they deserved each other, but the mental images that popped into my head I could have done without. I wondered if I should interfere as I watched Reilly pick up his pace. It wasn't that the kid deserved what was happening to him. I hated what was happening to Reilly. I just wished that he would learn to defend himself.
And then I thought about Aiden. If Aiden saw this, he'd be all over Phil right now. And if it were happening to Aiden, I'd be all over Phil, regardless of the fact that my boyfriend was completely capable of defending himself. When Phil released Janie's hand to walk alongside Reilly, I decided that I'd seen enough and detoured myself in that direction.
"Hey, pervert," Phil taunted Reilly, "I'm talking to you."
When Phil shoved Reilly's small body into the lockers, I was right there to shove Phil right back. I was planning on ignoring him after that, not that ignoring the jackasses like Phil ever worked, but Phil had other ideas as he regained his balance and moved towards me.
"What the fuck is your problem, fuck face?" Phil spat.
Janie grabbed onto his arm and held him back. At least she had some sense. Not much. But some.
"Just back off." I frowned, taking a quick glance back at Reilly to see if he was all right. He was cowering behind me, but he seemed okay.
"Forget him, Phil." Janie smirked at me, "Owen can't help that he loves faggots. Probably because he is one."
"Yeah, probably. But what does that make you, Janie? Everyone knows you're in love with Knightly. I don't know what's worse, the fact that you're in love with a fag, or that you're fucking Phil's nasty cock." Now, usually, I would have turned to see Ryan coming to my rescue with a verbal response. Not Dennis Gordon. But, there he was, verbally assaulting Janie as he stopped in front of us. I don't think that I was the only one surprised by this.
"Hey, fuck you!" Janie spat at him.
"Dude, what's your problem?" Phil demanded.
"Shut up, asshole." Dennis told his friend, hardly glancing in mine and Reilly's direction, "We've got an early practice."
Reilly and I watched in disbelief as Dennis gave Phil a shove and then led him, and a disgruntled Janie away from us. Dennis did look over his shoulder once, catching my eyes. He was hard to read, Dennis Gordon, but I was reminded of our earlier conversation. Maybe it had meant something to him, after all.
I wasn't sure what to make of this new development. I didn't believe for a second that it would last-a truce between Dennis and me. But it gave me something to think about, and it made me sad, remembering his current situation. I wondered if things really were as hopeless as he seemed to think they were, and I even wondered if there was something that I could do to help. And if there was, would I have the guts to do it?
My attention turned back to Reilly when I heard his heavy breathing behind me, as he tried to calm himself down from the encounter.
"You all right?" I asked him.
"Yeah." He nodded, "Um, thanks Owen."
"No problem." I shrugged, patting his shoulder. "You'd better get to class."
Reilly nodded and started to move past me, avoiding my eyes like he always seemed to. But, suddenly, I was feeling brazen. Aiden had mentioned that he spoke to Reilly today about me, and since we were both there...well, I wanted to know a few things for myself.
"Reilly." I called, grabbing his shoulder before he could get too far ahead of me. "Hold on a sec."
He jumped at the contact on his shoulder, so I quickly released him and he was able to regain his composure before he turned around.
"Uh, yeah?" he asked.
"Aiden said he talked to you today..." I started, but I didn't get the chance to finish before Reilly opened his mouth and a whole string of jumbled together words came out. He was panicking, trying to give me an explanation that I didn't fully understand while I just stared, trying to make sense of it all. But, I got the idea; he liked Aiden and he was apologizing for it. But, hearing it didn't exactly have the effect that I thought it would. I didn't go into any fit of jealous rage. I was just glad that the halls were empty and no one was around to hear him. I even caught myself laughing before I placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and interrupted him. "Hey, Reilly, it's okay."
"It is?" he asked incredulously.
"Yeah." I smiled. "Aiden's pretty great, isn't he?"
"Yeah." Reilly admitted sheepishly. "I'm really sorry. It's just that, he's so nice. And he's so....well, he's been great to me and I just thought...but, I know he loves you..."
Everything Reilly said after that seemed to fade out. Love. That hadn't been a word that Aiden and I had said to each other just yet. To be honest, the idea of love hadn't even entered my mind. What I felt for Aiden seemed stronger than anything that I could label with a word. Maybe that was what love was supposed to mean. Just hearing that Aiden loved me shook me up, but not at all in a bad way. It made me feel incredible, even if Aiden wasn't the one saying it.
"Owen? So, are we okay?" Reilly asked, snapping me out of my thoughts. He was looking at me funny, probably because I had zoned out. "I understand if you don't want anything to do with me. I just...I thought you would hate me."
"Hey," I smiled again, "Don't worry about it, okay?" I was suddenly reassured that nothing would ever happen between Reilly and Aiden, regardless of whether or not Reilly had a little crush on him.
"Really?" he asked.
"Yeah." I nodded, "Um, hey...I know you're sort of um, attached to Aiden. But, maybe we can be friends too." And I meant it.
"Really?" he asked again.
"Sure." I smiled, extending my hand.
It took Reilly a second to take my hand and he shook it only quickly, but at least he was smiling.
"Wow, thanks Owen. I really thought that you would hate me."
"Nah." I shrugged, "But hey, look," I placed my hand on his back and started leading him in the direction that I guessed that his class was in, seeing how he was already late for it. "I know you're not having the easiest time around here, Reilly, but Aiden...or me, we won't always be around. You should learn to stand up to these people. I won't say that I can understand exactly what you and Aiden go through, I mean, I guess I'm not in that situation, but, you'd be surprised how many of them will back off if they think you're not afraid."
"You think so?" he asked, looking up at me.
"Yeah." I replied.
"Well, what about the people who don't?"
"Then," I laughed, "You run."
"You," Jake glared at me, "I'm not talking to."
I had just walked through the front door to find Jake standing in our living room, looking angry. I hadn't even gotten a word out yet.
"I'm sorry." I replied.
"That's twice now." Jake continued, "You keep disappearing on me, Owen. You scared the hell out of me yesterday when I went to take you home and you were gone. I mean, I can excuse yesterday. Obviously you weren't yourself. And today, today you're asked to do one thing; don't go anywhere until Tony gets home. I know you're not a baby, but Christ, Owen. People are worried about you."
You might think that I would have been pissed off, having someone who wasn't even related to me, lecturing me like a parent. But, Jake looked so worked up that I couldn't even find it in me to be upset with him.
"I'm sorry." I said again, deciding to take a seat in the living room, in case this was going to continue, "I should have at least told you to your face that I was leaving, but I needed to get out of here, Jake. And I know people are worried, but I'm okay. I'm not going to get myself into trouble. I just needed...a break."
Jake sat down across from me and gave me a measuring look.
"You know, I don't want to be the bad guy." He frowned, "I'm trying to help out your brothers."
"I know. I'm sorry. I'll apologize to Tony too."
"Where did you go?"
"To see Aiden." I admitted sheepishly, "And I feel better now."
Jake studied me for a moment and then gave me an understanding look.
"Look Owen, maybe you don't believe me, but I care about you too. You can't keep doing this to me. I had to call Tony. Do you have any idea how that looks? He trusts me to do one thing and I can't keep an eye on one teenager!"
I couldn't help cracking a smile.
"You're making it sound like that's supposed to be an easy task." I remarked.
"It's not the point." Jake frowned.
"I know." I nodded, forcing my smile away, "And I really am sorry. And I take full responsibility. If anyone's angry they'll blame me, not you."
We both looked up suddenly as the front door opened. I watched as Chris walked in, he wasn't the brother that I expected to see, but he looked just as annoyed as I imagined Tony would. Maybe that's why Jake thought he was Tony. When Jake started to get up to greet Chris, probably the same way that he would have greeted Tony, I reached over quickly and grabbed Jake's arm to save him from any embarrassment.
"Hi Chris." I said quickly.
Jake looked back at me as he realized why I had stopped him and he managed a smile. Chris wasn't smiling.
"Damn it, Owen. Tony called saying that you disappeared."
"I left a note!" I said in my defense.
"I did tell Tony about the note." Jake added.
Chris looked between Jake and I before he walked around the couch and sat on the coffee table, directly in front of me. This brought us eye to eye and reminded me how good either of my brothers were at staring me down. I hadn't felt like that since I was six and had decided to paint a mural on Tony and Chris's bedroom wall with crayons and permanent marker.
"It's not a big deal." I insisted, "I just wanted to go see Aiden. Hanging around here was driving me crazy."
"Are you okay?" Chris asked me. The question surprised me. I had been expecting another lecture, not genuine concern.
"Yes." I stated, "I'm sorry I worried you guys. I'm really sorry, okay? I just needed to get out of here."
"Owen, we're not trying to hold you prisoner." Chris replied, "But we are worried. You did this when you first came down here...of course then, you just stayed in your room and it was easier to keep track of you...but look, we just you to talk to us. What happened yesterday, it is a big deal. You may not see it, but if you don't start talking about what happened with dad, and if you don't start dealing with it, you're going to end up breaking down again. Who knows how bad it will be the next time."
"And I will deal with it." I argued, "but right now I wish everyone would stop worrying. And stop treating me like I'm made of glass!"
"We don't mean to smother you, Owe." Chris frowned, "and I know that it might seem like Tony's going a little overboard, trying to keep you home..."
"A little?" I demanded, "It almost feels like I'm the one who did something wrong. I know it's not the same as being grounded, but still..."
"He wanted you home because he's worried." Chris replied, "We all are. Tony...and me, we both feel a little responsible. If we would have made you talk about this before you had a breakdown..."
"You can't force me to talk about it." I interrupted, "I'm sorry you're all worried but I need to deal with this in my own way! Don't you get it Chris? Forcing the issue isn't helping! It's driving me crazy."
Now, I was getting annoyed. I couldn't fault Jake for being upset with me. He had only been trying to help Tony out, and I hadn't exactly done much to make that easy for him. And Tony, he was a worrier. I expected him to blow a gasket over this shit. But Chris...I had been hoping that Chris would be on my side. He wasn't a worrier. He had always been fine with me doing my own thing but he made sure to be there if I needed him. Right now I needed him to understand that everyone was overreacting, and there was no way that I would be happy if I couldn't deal with this in my own way.
"I know you think you're dealing with it," Chris replied calmly, "But ignoring it isn't going to make it go away, Owen."
"But why do I have to deal with it right now?" I demanded, "I'm fucking exhausted Chris! Right now I don't even want to think about it. All I've done is think about it since last night. I couldn't even fucking sleep without thinking about it, but I'm sure we all already know that, don't we?"
I took a deep breath, realizing that I had, at some point, started shouting, while Chris and Jake looked on worriedly. I couldn't stand those looks. They felt like pity. I didn't want pity. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted everyone to stop worrying. I wanted to get a good night's sleep, pack a few bags and disappear somewhere calming and secluded with Aiden.
"Look," I sighed, "I know you guys just want me to talk about it. But, I don't really know how. We already went over every single detail last night. I don't know what else you want from me. I need to do this in my own way...maybe you can't understand that, but dealing with it my way is the only way I know how. And I really am okay. And you probably won't believe this because I don't even believe it, but I did talk, a little...a conversation I had with Dennis Gordon this morning actually made me feel better."
"Dennis?" Chris asked.
"Mm-hmm." I nodded. it couldn't hurt to force the attention on someone else. "I know it sounds strange, but I actually feel like I can relate to him. I feel sorry for him, though. I mean last week I hated his guts and this week..."
"You wish you could help him." Jake finished for me.
"Yeah." I admitted, "But the situation almost seems impossible. It's like he doesn't even want help. It's driving me crazy, too."
"It makes sense." Chris replied, "I can see why you can relate to Dennis, Owen. What happened yesterday reminded you of everything you went through. It only makes sense that you would want to make it easier for someone who's in the same situation that you were in."
"Um, I don't want to be out of line here..." Jake interrupted, glancing at Chris, "But Owen, it might be best for you to forget about Dennis for a while. The situation he's in sucks, but he doesn't want help. If you push it, it might end up getting you in trouble."
I looked at Jake curiously, wondering what he meant by that.
"Dennis said that you offered to help him Jake," I admitted, "He wasn't very happy about it."
"That's an understatement." Jake frowned. "First of all, he told me to mind my own damn business. And I'm not sure there's much we could have done for him anyways. He's eighteen. He won't report his father and then the little shit had the nerve to tell me that if I tried to say anything then he'd say that I tried to hit him."
"Shit." Chris frowned, "And you're still working there, Jake?"
"I'm not gonna let a little shit scare me away from my job." Jake frowned, "And it's my dad's company. I'd be accountable if I just left."
Chris just frowned at Jake for a long moment. He was probably thinking the same thing that I was thinking. I'd be pretty pissed off if Dennis tried to get Jake in trouble, just for offering to help. Maybe all of that pity that I was feeling for Dennis was unwarranted. The guy was still an ass.
"Look," Chris sighed, turning to me again, "Let's forget about Dennis for now. Owen, I know you sympathize with him, but..."
"I know, I get it." I replied.
"I think you should be worrying about you right now anyways." Chris insisted. "And just so you know, Owen, I'm not opposed to you dealing with things in your own way, but I think you're a little past doing it alone. We're hear for you, and we want to help, but you've got to let us."
"Okay," I replied, "Then if you want to help, there is something you can do."
"Alright, just say the word." Chris insisted.
"I need you to talk to Tony." I stated. "I know he's worried, but this weekend I was supposed to go on a trip with Aiden." Chris's face darkened, so I continued quickly, "I need to do this, Chris. I just want to get away and feel normal again."
Chris glared at me and Jake tried not to laugh.
"He pulled you right into that one." Jake remarked.
Chris rubbed his hand over his face, frustrated, before he looked at me again.
"I don't know, Owe."
"Come on, Chris," I frowned, "I'm just asking for one weekend. When I get back you guys can bug me all you want. We can even...talk, or whatever." I'm not sure if I meant that last part or not, but at the moment I would say just about anything to get away with Aiden.
I tried to put on my best begging face as Chris studied me for a long time and Jake just looked back and forth between us. Finally, Chris sighed and I smiled, knowing I had won.
"Fine." Chris said, "You have my okay for this weekend, but you know Tony won't go for it unless you agree to talk to someone about what's going on with you."
"No shrinks." I frowned.
"Owen..." Chris started.
"I can talk to Ben." I interrupted, remembering what Jake had said earlier.
Chris looked surprised, but obviously he wasn't opposed to this idea because he and Jake exchanged glances. I guess they had already discussed this. Probably last night when I was sick.
"You'll talk to Ben?" Chris asked, sounding suspicious.
"Yes." I agreed. If it would get my bags packed and me on the road, I would.
"Okay." Chris nodded, "I'll talk to Tony...get away this weekend, try to clear your head...but when you come back, Owe..."
"I'll talk to Ben." I finished.
Maybe I shouldn't have, but I found myself back at school just before the final bell rang. Aiden had insisted that he could get a ride with Leo, but I had other ideas, especially after talking to Chris.
Chris was going to talk to Tony, and Aiden and I were going to get away this weekend. I wanted to tell Aiden, and then drag him home so he could pack. If all went well, we could leave first thing in the morning. The more time alone I could spend with him, the better.
He looked surprised to see me again when he walked out of class, but this time there were no disapproving looks, only a smile.
"I guess you talked to your brothers?" he asked.
"I talked to Chris." I replied, "And we're still going this weekend."
"You're still not telling me where?" Aiden smirked.
"You could probably figure it out, you know. If you thought about it hard enough."
"Tease." He shot out at me, and I just smiled. I was beginning to feel better already.
"Clayton!" the voice of the coach snapped me out of my happy thoughts and Aiden pulled me aside before the larger man could trample me. We both glanced back to where he was approaching Phil and a few other guys from the football team. "Where the hell is Gordon? We have a game in an hour, damn it!"
"I don't know, coach," Phil replied, "His car wasn't in the parking lot. The last time I saw him was at practice."
I would have listened to more, but Aiden touched my shoulder, leading me to walk away.
"Are you okay?" he asked me.
"Yeah. Fine." I insisted.
But once again, I was wondering if Dennis was okay. Maybe he wasn't going to play in the game after all. I think I actually felt proud of him for that, another odd feeling concerning Dennis. But, strange or not, I felt myself smiling as I headed out of the school with Aiden.
"Hey," Aiden said, "I should find Ryan and let him know that I'm riding with you."
"Sure," I smiled, and then added, "Hey, maybe we can find Reilly too. We can see if he needs a ride."
Aiden gave me an inquisitive look. He was obviously surprised by my suggestion. After all, it was unlike me. But, the smile I got after the shock wore off was worth it. I loved that smile. I hoped to see a lot of it this weekend. This weekend, I was going to do a lot of focusing on Aiden.
Yeah. It was going to be a great weekend. It would give me a chance to forget about everything that had no place in my normal thoughts, and I would have good company. It would definitely be good. I mean, it would have to be, right?
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