Disclaimer: This is totally fiction and is not meant to imply anything about the sexuality of any Backstreet Boy. I personally do not know any of the Backstreet Boys and therefore make no assumptions on their personalities. If you are too young to read this or if homesexuality offends you, then please do not continue any further.
Hey what's up y'all? Well, this is my first story ever. I'm not a very good writer, so you'll have to forgive me. I actually got inspiration for this story from a dream of mine, I hope you like it. Email me at a2jm2@hotmail.com ok? I better get some emails from you people!!!! You hear me? Hehe. Well, on with the story. Hope you enjoy!
The Love I Always Wanted - Ch. 3
"Are you ok?" Antonio said to me as I stared blankly at the TV screen full of static.
"Yeah I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" I said in reply.
"Josh, you haven't been yourself for the last three months. You sit at home when you're not at school, your grades are dropping, and your professors are starting to wonder if you're on drugs on something."
"I might as well be. The pain is as bad as if I was."
"Look, why don't you tell me about it. You're starting to freak me out. First, I lose you at the bar, and don't see you for almost two days, then you call me from a pay phone begging me to come get you. Then when I pick you up, you jump on my case for asking if you were ok. Since then, we hardly talk, we don't go out, we don't do the things best friends do. What's wrong?!"
"I don't want to talk about it for the millionth time. So why don't you leave me the hell alone?!"
Antonio sighed in resignation, "Fine, I'm going out. Are you sure you don't wanna come?"
"No. I'm not in the mood. Maybe next time."
"That's what you always say. There have been a thousand 'next times.' "
"Look, if you're not happy with me, then kick me out. If you aren't gonna kick me out, leave me the fuck alone ok?"
"Fine. I'm leaving."
"Whatever." I said as Antonio walked out of the house, slamming the door.
As I sat there taking in what just happened, I realized Antonio was right. But I couldn't help it. It hurt so much, so much I felt like I was going to die. I couldn't think about that right now. So, I picked up the remote and changed the channel from the static I had been watching. And the first thing that came on made me feel like an arrow had been shot to my heart. There he was. Brian was doing an interview with his bandmates, and much to my dismay, it had been Brian's turn to be questioned. The question asked made me nauceous.
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'Brian, why don't you tell us about married life?'
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'Married life is terrific. I've never felt closer to my wife than what I feel at this moment. Nothing can seperate us.
I love you baby!'
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'Any chance for a little Brian Littrell or Leighanne Wallace?'
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'Well, we've been thinking about that, and we both want to have kids, but we decided not at this point in our lives,
when our careers are flourishing. Most likely later on in life when our careers cool down.'
I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks, the same cheeks that were rested against Brian's smooth back. I couldn't stop my fists from clenching, the same fists that once were hands that were held by Brian. In one night, so much had changed. I had changed and he had changed, and since then we hadn't spoken. The love he confessed for me was non-existant, the world that he promised me with his eyes was no longer there. I was a different person without him. Without his love.
And this made me angry. Very angry.
I got up from where I was sitting on the couch and walked up to the TV, where Brian was still sitting there talking about his perfect wife and his perfect life. Without warning, I pushed the TV over, smashing it, sending sparks flying and glass spewing all over the floor. I was angry. But I as angry as I was, I was more hurt than I could ever image. I walked to my room, slamming the door once I got in, and falling onto my bed, entering into a dreamless sleep...
I awoke to someone shaking me, repeatedly calling my name. "What do you want?" I said, irritated when I realized it was Antonio. "Stop shaking me, will you?"
"What the hell happened to the TV?"
"Oh, I broke it," I said, like I wasn't bothered by it.
"Why the hell did you do that?"
"Because I wanted too. Just chill ok? I'll go and buy you a new one."
"You can't buy me a new one. You don't have a job remember?"
"I'll tell my parents to buy you one."
"Are you gonna rely on your parents for everything?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" I said, getting rather angry.
"It's supposed to mean that you rely on your parents for everything. You've never worked for anything yourself. Your parents get you whatever you want. They're paying for your college, for your rent, everything. Why don't you try and work like normal people for a change?" He walked out and slammed the door, leaving me alone in my room, feeling like I had a tennis ball stuck in my throat.
I sat there thinking for a while, and decided that I needed to get a job. If not for myself, then for Antonio. He was right about yet another thing. I walked to my dresser, where Antonio had put the newspaper, and started going through the classifieds.
Three days later, I had a job at McDonalds. Not the perfect job in the world, in fact, far from it, but it would do just right. All I needed to do was make enough money to buy Antonio a new TV.
"Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your order?"
"Yeah, let me have two # 3's, supersized, both with Sprite."
"Your total is $8.54, please pull around to the second window."
I knew that day that something bad was going to happen to me, I felt it when I woke up. I was expecting to get hit by a car or something mysteriously falling from the sky onto my head. Never did I expect what I saw.
As a familiar car pulled up, and a familiar face stared at me through the window, I thought I was going to be sick.
Then something I didn't expect happened - the face smiled at me.
I opened the window and said to the face, "It's $8.54."
The face's hands gave me a $10 bill. "Keep the change."
I got the $1.46 and threw it at the face. "Keep your change, you fucking bastard."
The face got hurt by my reaction. A few seconds later, we were joined by my manager. "Is there a problem here, Mr. Cassell?"
"No, no problem, besides the guy sitting outside the window is a fucking jerk whom I hoped to never see again."
"You better watch your mouth and how you treat our customers, Mr. Cassell, or else you might find yourself without a job."
At that point, the face had joined us inside McDonalds, and proceeded to diffuse the situation. The face extended his hand and introduced himself to the manager "I'm Brian Littrell, of the Backstreet Boys. It's a pleasure to meet you."
"Don't listen to his tricks, he's a backstabber," I said.
"Mr. Cassell, you're getting very close to getting fired. I suggest you shut your mouth."
I got angry. Extremely angry. "You expect me to shut my mouth after what this bastard did to me? I don't think so. If telling this asshole how I really feel is going to get me fired, then guess what. I quit. I hope both of you burn in hell!" A little extreme, I know, but that's how I felt. I started to walk out of that dreadful place.
"Josh, wait. Please, wait. Give me a chance." Called out Brian.
I stopped in my tracks and turned on my heels. "Give you a chance? Why don't I give you the same chance you gave me - none."
I walked out of that hellhole and headed home, extremely upset. To say the least, I really would have rather gotten hit by a semi.
I wanted to die. Literally. I couldn't stop crying. It hurt so much to see his beautiful face again, to see those blue orbs staring at me, to feel the need to run up to him and kiss him. It hurt.
Antonio walked into my room about two hours later, to find me fast asleep in my bed. He noticed I still had my uniform on, and started to shake me to wake me up. He wanted me to get changed and then go back to bed. However, when I finally woke up, he heard something that he didn't expect.
"BRIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No, please don't leave. Please, I love you. I love you so much. You don't need each other. She don't need you. I need you. Please I love you. Please..." I broke into sobs when Antonio's arms wrapped around my body, which in three months had become less muscular and more skinny.
Antonio whispered soothing words into my ears, allowing me to calm down. I knew in a few minutes his questions would start to come.
"Josh, I don't know if this is the right time to ask, but who's Brian?"
"Someone from my past. He hurt me a lot."
"Do you wanna tell me?"
I was still clinging to Antonio, and thought that this was as good a time as any.
"You know the night I got here, we went bar hopping? Well, Brian is a guy I met at the second bar. That night, he walked into the bar really upset, and I convinced him to go with me to a coffee shop and talk about it. That's when me and you got seperated. Anyways, he told me what was wrong - he was gay and his wife found out about it. She wanted a divorce. So I calmed him down. Then I realized that I had lost you, so he said I could stay at his house, and so I did. We went to his house and went to sleep, though not before finding out he was a Backstreet Boy. Then early that morning I found him crying out on his patio, and he asked me to hold him. And I did. At that moment, I felt more for him than I had ever felt for anyone. After that, we both went back to bed. I woke up at about one in the afternoon, and then he came in and start telling me all this bullshit about how he thanked God that he met me. We fell asleep and woke up at six. Then, he said he liked me a lot, and I said I liked him, but that I wasn't ready to be with him until we got to know each other better. So, we talked about our lives 'til like 10, then we got dressed and went out to eat. I told him thank you for all the things he had done. We finished eating and he decided to surprise me. Well the surprise was that he took me to his beach house. We went for a walk, and we kissed. Our first real kiss. It was so romantic, so right. And then right when it ended, it all fell apart."
"What do you mean?" Antonio asked.
I sighed, not really wanting to continue, but I did anyways, "Someone he loves dearly stopped him. They stopped him from loving me. They made him take back what he said and made him go back to the life he used to live."
"Who? His wife?"
"No..."
"Then who?"
"His cousin, Kevin..."
"Who?"
"His cousin, the one that's in the band with him. He said that it wasn't healthy to have ' that ' kind of relationship, it wasn't good to have the public see Brian divorce, it wasn't good for the public to see Brian being gay, it wasn't good for anyone for Brian to be with a faggot."
I started to cry again, thinking of how I had happened to fall in love with Brian, even though I told him I wasn't ready. Thinking about how much it hurt to not be able to love him.
"Josh, you'll be ok. Maybe you'll find someone else, in fact, you don't even need someone else. You were always so independent in high school, remember? You always used to say how you never needed anyone. Why can't you be like that now? You don't need him. You have me, your family, your other friends. You have your future. Don't let some fucking asshole hold you back. Move on, if not for me than for yourself, ok? Prove them wrong. Prove to him that you don't need him."
"It's just so hard. I never thought I could fall for someone so fast."
"The only thing to do is move on. But hey, I gotta go to work. I'll be back later. Call me if you need me ok? Just always know that I'm there for you." He gave me a kiss on the forehead and walked out, calling out a final ' bye' before leaving.
Well, that's it people. Email me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Email me cuz I love getting emails. Hehe. Hope y'all liked it and I should have the next installment out in a few days. Peace!!