Chapter Four
People do not fall in love; there is no such thing as love at first sight. There is, rather, attraction, perhaps even lust at first sight, but love, the kind of abiding, consuming love which encourages us to dive into long-term commitments, grows slowly over time.
Likewise, we do not fall out of love; rather, we lose the ability to stay focused on the commitment, to stay focused on the original reasons for the attraction, and subsequently lose the energy to keep nourishing the reasons we stay together.
Robin was unsure of where he was at the moment, or how to define the current context of his relationship with Diego, listening to Dr. Chris Martin explain the dynamics of relationships and marriage. He was startled into an awareness that his mind had wandered when he realized Chris had asked him a question: "When did you know that you were in love with Diego?"
"I am not sure; in fact I am not sure that we were ever actually in love."
"And yet, you have made substantial gifts of energy, finances, support, and opportunity to Diego, so would you call that love, or something else?"
Robin thought about it for a long moment, and then sighing, said "You know, I think I have never really been in love with Diego, I think that I was afraid of losing him, I think that I was determined to hold on to something to prevent what most gay men are afraid of in their lives especially at my age, and so I was paying for his companionship."
"That's a pretty harsh description of your motivations; are you sure of that?"
Chris waited for a moment for Robin to continue his train of thought. Then, Chris continued, "Because if you are being very honest, then perhaps you have already solved the riddle which brought you to my office in the first place: what to do next about your relationship."
"Oh dear God, you are correct; if I am not in love with Diego, and if he is not in love with me, then why are we together?"
Robin felt on the verge of tears; Chris got ready to hand Robin a small box of tissue.
"And Robin, may I please observe, everyone is afraid of loss, everyone is afraid of losing love or companionship, everyone, not just gay men of a certain age, are afraid of growing old alone. I am one of the lucky ones, my husband Carlos checks each one of my boxes, and I am insanely in love with him, but I also realize that we are rare."
"Why is that, Chris?"
"Because we did not fall in love, and because we did not meet when we were teenagers or high school sweethearts, but we both overcame a number of obstacles and found each other later in life and developed a life of love and accommodation and respect and commitment; no one ever has any guarantees in life, but I pray intensely that Carlos and I are together forever."
"How can I find that kind of man, that kind of love?" Robin asked.
"Well I am certain that the place where you first met Diego is not a good starting place if you are sincere about finding the kind of love and relationship I think you are, and that I think you deserve. "
"So,,,,," Robin was on the edge of his seat.
"Actually, it sounds like an old cliché, but friends can help. You know people who know people, and it always helps to have someone shine a light down a path for you. For example, next week a group of us are having a memorial service for an old friend; it is actually an annual event, and I think it would be nice for you to join us, just as a way of casually opening the door to what I think may become a beneficial group for you."
Robin was intrigued, but also puzzled; "In the meantime, what do I do about Diego?"
"What is your arrangement with Diego? Does he pay rent, does he contribute financially to the house and the lifestyle, would he be unable to provide his own living quarters, would he be unable to provide a secure lifestyle for himself without your help?"
"No; I am sure he is financially stable, but I feel like I need to give him fair warning, like maybe a month or so."
Chris replied "That is entirely negotiable between the two of you, but let's be sure of two things here: first, I did not force you into any corners in decision-making about your relationship with Diego. You found your own way along the path that led you to the conclusion about the current state of your relationship. Second, how and when you and Diego negotiate the termination of your relationship is up to the two of you; I am always available to mediate, if the two of you want me to do so, but the final arrangements are yours, not mine."
Robin left Chris's office clear of one issue, and murky on another: he needed to ask Diego to move out but did not know when to set a deadline. He was very startled when he reached the bungalow in Hermosa Beach: Diego's car was in the carport. Seated in the great room was a young man, a very young man, who was nervously tapping his foot on the slate floor.
"Hi, I'm Scott" said the nervous twink. "If you are looking for Diego, he is in the bedroom."
"OK," said Robin, as he proceeded to the master bedroom.
He found Diego packing an overnight bag with only a few bare essentials: underwear, swimsuit, toiletries. "Going somewhere?" Robin asked, attempting to disguise the sarcasm in his voice.
"Oh, hi, I did not hear you come in. Yeah, the studio is asking me to attend a retreat in Las Paz, so I am going to be gone for a few days. I guess you met my assistant?"
"Scott? Yes. Is he old enough to leave the country?"
"Uhm, yes, no need to worry."
"Diego, there are relatively few things about which I worry, especially your office politics; please have a nice trip."
Robin turned abruptly and exited the master bedroom, went to the gally kitchen and opened a bottle of 14 Hands red blend, and poured himself a generous glass. He found a seat in the great room so that he could enjoy his wine while also staring directly at the twink on the sofa, hoping to make him squirm.
"I assume your swimsuit is in the car?"
"Uhm, yeah, my bag is in the trunk." Scott appeared as though he wanted to say more but refrained.
"Well, I hope you have a nice time in Baja, it has been a long time since we were in La Paz."
Robin wanted to throw daggers, but realized that this poor young man was only the latest victim in the long line of conquests which Diego succeeded in claiming. Robin smirked silently to himself; Pizarro may have been the Spanish conquistador who brought Old World fire-power to the western Hemisphere, but Diego was the new conquistador taking his time using his cock to conquer the north.
After the two had driven away, Robin undressed and went outside to the hot-tub; with sufficient wine and enough time in the hot-tub, he could just about be relaxed enough to fall asleep for the first time in several weeks. Diego did not say when he was planning to return to Los Angeles from Baja, but Robin immediately began mentally composing a letter of eviction for Diego.
Before shutting down all of the lights and securing the bungalow for the night, Robin called Stuart and related what he had discussed with Chris Martin. "I've also decided to compose a letter of eviction and want you to review it for all of the legalities and niceties, before I have it delivered to Diego at his office next week."
Stuart agreed to help Robin, and gave him his office email address, and said he could have his review completed by the end of business the next day.
"I also want you to know, we have not taken sides in this, Raj and myself, but you should also know that we are always willing to support you as much as we can."
"Thanks very much; in that regard, Chris mentioned that there is a memorial service for a friend next month in Malibu that he sort of invited me to attend, in order to meet new friends, so if y0u have any information about that, I would appreciate it."
"Certainly, he was probably referring to the annual gathering we have for my Uncle Mason Taylor; it is at Mason's old house on the beach, where Mario and Peter are now living."
"Great, isn't that where I first met Chris Martin?"
"Yes, the very same. I will email you the time and date."
"Thanks Stuart, goodnight, and thanks to Raj and you for your friendship."
Robin finished his wine and rinsed the glass and fell into a deep sleep, the first in many weeks.