This is a work of fiction. Any similarity to reality is purely coincidental. It will eventually contain sexual acts between men, however it focuses more on the story of two consenting men. If gay sex is illegal in your area, or you are a minor, or you just don't like queer sex (what are you doing in this site to begin with?) then read no more. Comments, questions, and ideas are more than welcome and would be truly appreciated. They will also be responded to. Kindly send it to nifty_pad@yahoo.com. Thanks to everybody who has emailed me and urged me to go on. I really, really appreciate it.
Chapter VI
The days passed with a screaming hollowness. I did everything I could to forget my loss and yet it seemed that I were merely in auto-pilot. Doing things simply for the purpose of passing the time... losing touch of the meaning behind everything. I have even stopped cooking, the way I used to... It was just too painful to create meals knowing that I would be the only one to savor them. Okay, I know I'm sounding too melodramatic here, but that was how things were for me.
I have received three emails from Alex already. Telling me that he hasn't yet finally settled back there... that he missed my cooking and my shallow sense of humor. After our kiss, I have pretended that nothing was wrong and that things were still the way they were. I acted in the same manner yet the cloud of guilt was hanging over my head everywhere I went. I can't believe I did it. I can't believe I kissed the only straight man that mattered so much to me.
Yes, I admit. I've been looking forward to that moment ever since I first shook his hand, but for crying out loud, Alex has become more like a brother to me, and me to him. Granted that I would consider incest anytime of the day with him, I still can't believe I did it. I broke the trust that he has unconditionally given me.
When he has finally left, it was only then that I felt the full impact of what I had done. To be honest, I feared that he would never want to return back here, if things don't go well in Australia, that is. I'm scared that he'd think I'm just another fag who wants to get in his pants.
When I talked to Geoff and Nicole about it, they both told shouted at me and told me to grow up. Geoff said that if Alex didn't want it to happen, then he should have never put me in that place to begin with, that Alex on some level wanted it to happen... Nicole, on the other hand, told me that if he didn't want it, then he should have smacked my face right away, and not email me thrice. They both said that since he was cool with it, then why shouldn't I be?
So without thinking clearly, I wrote him an email.
Alex,
I received all of your mails -- all three of them -- and the reason why I didn't write back is because I feel guilty about what happened. I feel ashamed for having placed you into a situation I know you weren't comfortable with.
I'm so sorry I kissed you. It was just a momentary thing wherein I lost my sense of judgment. Please don't think that I've simply been wanting to get in your pants all these time. I hope you know that that is not the case. Again, I'm really sorry. I hope this doesn't change us.
Now that that's said... It's great to hear that Australia is treating you well, most especially Jennifer. Please tell her that if she breaks your heart one more time, I'll rip hers off and stuff it in her ass. (I'm serious, I want you to tell her that.)
I'm really, really glad that you're happy there. I really am, I swear. It's still feels weird not having you around the pad, though... it's a big mess now! I got a maid who comes in every morning to clean the place up and she just doesn't know what to do. (Last time, she placed all the vases in one corner of the room, saying that they look messy placed in different areas!)
Don't worry though, I'm doing great. O, I talked to Luke a couple of days ago and guess what? The fool wants to get back! He was begging for my forgiveness as he put it. As I always say, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. So I told him nicely to go back to Jack and his pink thong... I know, it's kindda lame and once I got home I thought of a million wittier things to say, but at that moment, creativity failed me. O well, at least I told him something.
Have to go now and do nothing. Give my regards to Jennifer.
Miss you everyday,
Ence
P.S. By the way, Will says that you should check the new Range Rover. Nicole says that if things become bad, you not only can come back here, but that you should. And Geoff, wants a picture of a kangaroo (?!), or of any hot males out there.
XXX
PPS. Just a follow-up on what Nicole said, if things do turn out differently, know that I still have an extra room that hasn't been occupied, and from the looks of it, won't be for a long time.
~~*~~
Later that night, I received a response:
Ence,
Finally! You dumb wit! Don't you scare me that way again. I've been trying to call you since I got here but no one's picking up... You really got me worried there... I even called up Will and he told me that he saw you and you seemed okay, which scared me all the more... Don't ask why.
Don't worry about what happened, Ence. It didn't change us and it won't. I never thought of you as someone who just wanted to get into my pants... and I don't think I'll ever will. We're cool. Now, stop thinking about it.
I told Jen what you said, and she said 'it would be the last thing she'll do.' I must admit that she has changed a lot... things are looking really grand with us here. Hope you can be here to see how happy I am, and to cook for me. Yup, that's the first thing I missed when I got here -- your food with names that I couldn't pronounce.
Don't worry bro, if things don't turn out the way I hope them to, I'd be there faster than you can say cheese soufflé.
Have to go now, Jen wants me to have dinner at their place. I'm finally meeting her parents, formally. Wish me luck!
Miss you too.
Lex.
Reading the email from him brought several emotions, but mainly I felt an overwhelming desire to be with him. I miss his jokes and his stupid banter. Fuck, I just plainly miss him. I'm glad though that he is happy there, he really does deserve it. But I'm also pissed, I admit, that things are going roses for him. It only means that he won't be coming back here anytime soon. I think it's high time that I accept that fact otherwise, I'd be only setting myself for a bigger fall later on.
~~*~~
I was just lazing around, attempting to do the crossword puzzle when I had an unexpected visitor. When I opened the door, my jaw dropped. It was Lottie.
"Hi." she said cautiously.
I thought I had forgotten how much I missed her, but when I saw her again for a long time, longer than it should have been, the memories flooded back. I remembered the incident in our accounting class when our teacher, a newbie, shouted at us before running out the door. She was so frustrated at us two that she suddenly screaming threats at how she would flunk us both and have us thrown out of the school. It was a totally unexpected outburst that made the entire class stiffen in their seats and gawk at her and us two. After she stormed the class, we burst out laughing, with the class joining in. Later, we demanded that she apologize in front of the class for humiliating us, which she eventually did after we threatened to report her to the dean.
"O shut up and get your ass inside." I told her before hugging her tightly. By the time we broke our hug, she was already spilling tears over her cheeks and she was hiccupping. We went to the dining room and with her bent over, I made her drink a glassful of water. That cured her hiccups.
"Thanks." she said, when she had gotten her breath back.
"O, that's something Alex taught me..."
"I meant for forgiving me..." she replied, as she looked at her shoes.
"Who said I have forgiven you? You still have a lot of sucking up to do, Lottie." I teased her.
"I know. Law," she continued in a tone that meant she had something important to say... though I didn't want to talk about it, I let her continue.
"I should have told you, I know that. It's just that before I knew it was Luke, John made me swear not to tell anyone. I had been staying over at my friend Christie's place since I found out. I moved out of our apartment already. I really didn't know what to do at that time and I couldn't ask the guys 'cause I didn't want to put them in my place. I'm really, really sorry about it, Law." she explained.
"Listen, I'm okay already with it. I figured that you must have a great reason why you didn't tell me, and though I wanted to settle this earlier, I just wasn't ready yet....
"I just have one more question...." I continued.
"Oh, o." she responded.
I just smiled at her and said, "If you could do it all over again, would you have told me?"
"Uh... Uhm... I don't know. Maybe I would have let you know without actually telling you, you know what I mean?"
"So you still wouldn't have broken John's confidence." I clarified.
"I guess not...." she whispered. After a long pregnant silence, I told her to sit her skinny ass on the chair and eat.
"Darn, I missed your meals." she said after I placed a lot of food on the table. "So how are you holding up with everything?" she asked in between her mouthfuls.
"Well, Luke was tough, but when I realized that he was the prick, and not me, it was easier. I still miss him at times, but I know that I'll find someone better, definitely, and without a doubt."
"How 'bout Alex?" she said, looking straight at me.
"Uhm,... well, that's completely different. Sometimes, on good days, I'll only think of him half the time, on bad days, well, let's just say I burn my toasts." I said, trying to make it a joke.
"Yeah, I've heard. It's that tough, huh? Well, why don't you ask him back? I'm sure he'd run as fast as he could back here."
"Yeah, he'd run all right -- away from me." I quipped.
"Not if you tell him that you love him too." she said piercing me with her stare.
"What?!" I asked, startled.
"Law, it's no secret that you two have a thing for one another. The guys have been talking about it. It was even Will who first asked how long you two have been a couple." she said in a matter-of-factly tone, as if Will is the ultimately expert on human relationships.
"What are you talking about? I've been with the guys all the time and they've never mentioned that..." I said, my voice slowly drifting...
"I guess they're just waiting for you to tell us... Like with John's sexuality. Oh, sorry..." my head was thrown upward at the casual mention of him. I haven't heard his name save when followed or preceded by insults.
"It's okay. Look, I swear to you, Alex and I are just friends. I'm sounding like a stupid celebrity in denial here, but we're really just that. I mean, we kissed once, but it was no-thing." I explained.
"Okay. Whatever you say. But if I'm right, you have to tell me, okay?"
"Yeah, we both know you can keep secrets." I retorted, and with this, we laughed our hearts out. Whatever ice was left was grounded and melted. Lottie and I talked about everything as if no time had passed. I updated her on my life -- which amounted to a mere three minutes of explaining how I sulk -- and she updated me with hers. Apparently, she was dating this guy Phil, from College of Fine Arts and their heading towards the relationship cliff.
Lottie stayed for a couple hours more and before she left, I asked her to take home some of the desserts left. That's how I decided to start my own business, sort of. I would bake some desserts and she would sell them to her mom's employees and associates. I'll do the baking; she'll handle the selling part, and make some profit on it as well. At least it's something to help me pass my time, not to mention, earn some money in the process.
~~*~~
A month and a half had passed since Alex left and still I sometimes set the table for two. I curse myself when that happens, when I go into auto-pilot and grab two plates and place them on the table before realizing that I would be dining alone. A couple of days ago, after I received his email telling me that things are still okay with him -- at that point, I instantly hoped that he was about to leave her 'cause he used the term okay instead of 'really grand', 'til I realized how stupid that was -- and that he asked his mom to pick-up some of his other things...
When Aunt Nikki, his mother, got here, we chatted up a bit and she bought five trays of my Decadent Chocolate Almond Cake and three boxes of Lemon Torte, saying that it was 'simply divine' and that she would make sure all her friends get my number. She also asked me how I'd put up with Alex for an entire year considering that he is the laziest of all her kids. I told her that Alex was far from lazy. I told her about him cleaning up the place even before I woke up and how he did the dishes. At this, her mouth literally dropped open and her eyes became as big as my plates.
"I can't believe it. No, no. It's impossible... Noooo.... Not my Alex. Oh come on, tell me the truth. I won't tell him, I promise." she asked.
"No, I'm serious. It's only now that I'm alone that I got Alice. When Alex was here, we cleaned the place ourselves. Actually, he did most of the work..." I said, a little bit embarrassed to tell her I did nothing.
"You mean, he really did wash the dishes?... Do you know that in Australia, I had to hire two housekeepers -- that's aside from the stable boy and the caretakers who were already there -- to clean the place up? I mean, Alex wouldn't lift a finger! I was always telling him that he has to help out here 'coz I was worried that you'd be cleaning the place alone. I even gave your mother the agency of our maids."
She left me feeling dazzled at the news I just heard. Alex, the lazy son? I can't believe it. I mean, I thought he had the house all to himself. I knew that he had other people in the ranch, I caught him slip several times about him taking care of the animals so he confessed that they had people for that... but I didn't know that he wasn't used to housework.
I emailed him about it right after her mom left and like clockwork, he had a response by night time.
Ence,
I see that my mom has been to the pad... and that she's also told you about the maids. Well, I'm sorry bro for lying, but I just didn't want to stay there and be a parasite...
At first I told you that 'coz I felt that I had to contribute something.... aside from the food and bills, I mean, personally. But then, I guess, I liked doing it. Yup, even washing the dishes. Especially that. I miss that the most here, actually, next to your meals... Not the actual washing, you fool, but you standing there entertaining me with your lame jokes and senseless stories....
Hey, don't be mad... Promise I'll do the dishes when we come over during Christmas.
Miss you still.
Lex.
~~*~~
The business I started to help me forget Alex was actually paying off. We had a long list of clients already and there were times when the rush of orders was just too much for me to handle. At first it was just making a pan for a client, and that was it. But then suddenly, I had to make a minimum of fifty pans everyday. I'm planning to put a halt on this though, for I only have less than a month left before school starts and I want to get some rest.
I'm planning to go to our rest house in the hills next week and back there, I would have some much needed rest and relaxation. Last time I visited that place, I was still in secondary school, and boy, did it blow my mind away. It's a rest house within a resort. You have a rest house where you can enjoy your privacy and you have a resort, where you can enjoy almost everything there is to enjoy. Think of nature and being pampered. Yup, those are the two words that can describe the place -- lush greenery and people waiting at your beck and call to do your wishes. Okay, not those kinds of wishes. At least not that I know of. But come to think of it, it wouldn't hurt. Besides, I've been celibate for more than two months now.
Just as I had packed my things and was simply scanning the place up for some minor details that I might have forgotten, the doorbell rang. Maybe it's Nicole, forgetting something, I thought. She was just here to bid me adieu, having missed the dinner I had last night.
"Is there still room for one more?" Alex asked, showing off his incredibly gorgeous teeth at me.
O My God, I'm becoming delusional... Is it really him? I couldn't believe it. It's Alex standing there, in front of me.
"W-W-What..." I stammered, unable to believe that it is him, that he really is here, standing in front of me in the flesh.
"What am I doing here? Well classes are about to start in three weeks and I don't want to miss out on it, do I?" he answered, still smiling like a crazy fool.
"B-But..."
"But what about Australia and Jennifer? Let's just say, it didn't work out. So I'm back here... for good. That is if you'll have me back." he said the last part uncertainly.
I didn't know what to say or think, or if my mind was still functioning at that time. I simply went up to him and hugged him tightly. I embraced him as tight as I could, fearing that he would leave the moment I let go.
"Ence...I... I can't .... breathe..." he whimpered. He looked all flustered when I let go of him. "Now, that is what I call a welcome." he said teasingly.
"I... I still can't believe this. Why didn't you tell me? Why.... why the hell didn't you email me that you were coming?!" I said, hitting him on the arm.
"If I remember you correctly.... 'that's what a surprise is' Ence." he replied, beaming at me like a crazy fool.
"Surprise? What if you missed me? I was about to leave already!" I hissed at him, still peeved at the thought that we could have missed one another.
"That's not possible. I timed myself perfectly. I knew what time you were leaving and besides, my original plan was to wait in the car for you. I asked Nicole to steal your car keys, but I got bored waiting... Which reminds me, what's taking you so long?"
"Nicole knows about this?!" I intoned.
"Of course. I emailed everybody and we planned this to perfection. I was just a little worried that Geoff might give it away though, knowing him..."
"Those pricks. I'm going to kill them!" No wonder everybody was especially happy last night.
After some time just looking at him, I finally realized that he really was there, and that I was not merely delusional.
"So are we going or you just gonna stand there and gawk at me?"
"So you're coming along?" I said beaming from ear to ear.
"No silly, I'm just driving you there and I'm going back to Australia." he said sarcastically.
I remember thinking on the way to the car: 'O God. Thank you. I don't know what I did to deserve this, but whatever it was, thank you. Thank you so much!'
~~*~~
The ride to the resort/rest house was more than I could have expected. Alex, insisted on driving and I sat beside him unable to control myself from grinning while staring at him. I still couldn't believe it. He was back!
"Will you stop gawking at me?" he smirked.
"I can't help it... In as much as I feel bad that things didn't work out for you, I'm really glad that they didn't." I felt ashamed the moment I said it, and I blushed bright red.
"Don't worry about it. I'm a little glad about it too, truth be told." he said.
"So wanna tell me what happened?" I asked, my voice becoming grave.
"Well, there's not much to tell, really."
"O come on Alex! You pack up all your things and go to a different country in search of happiness and love and then two months later, you come back without any reasons. Come on... I think I deserve to know what happened... Okay... scrap the I-deserve part... I just... I... I just want to know what happened and to know that I won't be waking up someday soon and see you with your bags packed again." I said, looking at the floor of the car, being honest to him about my feelings.
He looked at me and smiled warmly. Grabbing my chin, he turned my head to him and said: "I won't be leaving any time soon. And I'll be doing the dishes for the remainder of your college life, that's a promise."
My attempts to hide my emotions failed miserably. I felt getting teary-eyed so I turned away from him and rubbed my eyes.
"My darn contacts are drying up again..." I said weakly... He just smirked at this, seeing through my pathetic lie. After some time, I got the courage to ask.
"She broke your heart again, didn't she?" I whispered, softly. After some silence, he finally responded.
"No... as a matter of fact..., I broke her heart this time..." Alex said quietly.
"Wha-What do you mean You broke her heart? Did you find someone else?" I quickly asked.
"In a matter of speaking, I guess you could say that."
"Okay. I'm sorry Alex, but I'm really getting tired with all this word games. Either you stop the car and tell me exactly what happened or you continue driving and tell me exactly what happened. So what will it be?" I asked him, my voice becoming stern.
He laughed at this and said something me not having changed at all and how he had missed my bitchiness. I was about to tell him that he was just seeing the tip of the bitchy me when with a audible deep breathe, he told me.
"Okay. Here's what happened. Remember the night when I met her parents for the first time? Well, I did. And her parents didn't like me one bit. They wanted to see her with a true/native Australian, not someone from a foreign land... As if there's such a thing as a native Australian...
"Anyway, Jennifer apologized deeply for her family and for everything. It was pretty clear that she wanted us to work and she said that she would do everything to convince her parents that my intentions were noble..."
I couldn't help but smirk at this, it was an involuntary reaction. Alex looked at me and we started laughing at the hypocrisy of it all. "Honorable my ass..." I added and we laughed even more. When we had recovered, he went on.
"So that night, when I got back to the ranch, I didn't know how to feel. And I needed to talk to someone... so I called up Will." I instantly felt bad at this. I know, how very immature of me, but I still can't help but feel jealous at Alex and Will's friendship... I just looked straight at the road and acted as if it was not a big deal.
"I wanted to call you, but... but I guess.... I guess I needed a straight guy's perspective on it, no offense, Ence."
"None taken. Then what happened?" I said quickly, too quickly.
"Well, Will told me some bullshit actually.... Something like, 'if I thought she was worth it, then I should prove to her parents my sincerity' and a load of other stuff. So that got me thinking..."
After a long silence, I nearly shouted...
"And? What were you thinking?!"
"Well, it was confusing... I mean, I wanted us to work, but... Okay, I know this is going to sound terrible, but I just didn't think it was worth that much of an effort... you know what I mean?
"I like Jennifer, I mean, she was the only girl that I thought I could see myself spending the rest of my time with, but... but then, I realized that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with her..."
"Why? What happened?" I inquired, my mind missing something...
"Well, the thing was, I went there because I wanted to give us a try and even after that dinner, I still wanted to give us a try. It just got me thinking if she was really worth all that. What you said before I left kept ringing in my head... that she demanded a lot from me, a lot of sacrifices, and there are no guarantees."
"What? You're listening to me now? You never listen to me." I said, startled by what he said. "I mean, there are no guarantees, no absolutes in life Lex. Not with Jennifer, not with me or your parents, not anywhere." I said, afraid that I had led him into the wrong path.
"I know that silly. What I meant was, you were right about the sacrifices. Those were pretty damn big and I just... I just wasn't sure she was worth it. I went there thinking that she was. But then I realized that I wanted something more to it... I realized that she had changed and what was scarier, was that... I had changed.
"One day I just woke up and realized that I wanted something else... something that she can't give me. Don't ask what. I've been racking my head for days but I still don't know... I just know that our relationship wasn't doing anything for me, for us. There was just something that was lacking, you know... some sort of void, that I can't for the life of me describe."
I didn't know what to say to this. I mean, what was I to say? That it was okay and things would be better? Who wants to hear that? So we just remained silent and listened to the radio. We had been listening to his Dave Matthew cd since we left the pad and I was about to change it to my Josh Groban cd. But before I could put the cd in, I heard 'Someday We'll Know' in the radio.
"Ei, listen to this. This song is for you." I told him.
"So many questions, I need some answer... Ooohh ooooo.... Someday we'll know... If love can move a mountain.... Someday we'll know... why the sky is blue.... Someday we'll know, why I wasn't meant for you...." we joined in, singing to the top of our voices.
~~*~~
After getting lost twice, we finally got to the place. Once we had settled in, Alex can't stop admiring the different pieces in the house. He was most especially amazed at our crystal chess piece.
"My God... Can you actually play with these?" he said as he carefully held the king piece up.
"Of course, silly. Otherwise what's the point of buying an expensive chess piece that you can't use?" I answered.
"But what if it you break it? I mean, the cost of this single king alone would be enough to feed an entire community in Africa."
"Well, see if you can say that to my mom who bought that."
After a three hour long drive, we had decided to try out the spa and get a full body massage. I wanted to try the body massage and seaweed wrap, so I suggested that he get something else done as well. But he was thinking the entire time of the cost and how much his money could be spent somewhere else.
"Hey, don't worry about it. I mean, my parents have already paid for it. There's a huge monthly bill that we receive just for maintaining the place, so everything that we get here is already paid for."
Lying on the massage table, I couldn't help but stare at the visible crotch line of the hunk who was loosening up the tight knots in my back. He was wearing tight white pants and white polo, somewhat similar to the garbs of nurses. The temptation to just grab it and have a go at him was overwhelming, especially since he has proven to be so good with his hands. Thoughts were already popping into my mind of the things that we could do, how he could massage my "tightest" organ. But Alex's moans brought me back to my senses. We were in the same room, something that I had subtly requested to the receptionist.
So I tried to close my eyes instead and make small chit-chat, talking about nothing in particular and mere attempts to divert my attention. But darn, Alex's moans were having a very positive response in me, or in this case, a very negative one. I was having one of the biggest hard-ons in my entire life and if I weren't lying face down, I would have created a visible tent for campers to spend the night in.
Thankfully though, thinking of food and different recipes had diverted my mind. And by the time my masseuse asked me to roll on my back, I wasn't as excited any more. After two hours of utterly relieving massages, we went separately to different rooms for our individual wraps. I don't really know if my sea weed wrap had a lasting effect on my skin, but after one hour, I did feel a temporary smoothness. Alex claimed that his skin is already more taut and smoother.
Feeling like different persons, I suggested that we go to the restaurant and have some early dinner, but Alex embarrassedly asked if I would mind cooking. It seemed that he really did miss my meals. So I had some groceries and fresh food delivered to our house and cooked him a spectacular meal consisting of Corn and Crab Bisque, Shrimp Pie, Jambalaya and Mudslide Malt and Icy Rum Coffee Cream for dessert.
"I can't believe you cooked this much Jambalaya. How are we going to finish it?" he asked, in between mouthfuls.
"You're not supposed to finish it in one sitting anyway. It gets better after a day or two, so we can put it away and eat it later."
"I really missed this." he said, looking at me.
"How can you miss this, when I've only cooked it now. I just learned the recipe this summer." I asked.
"No, I meant having dinner with you."
Enough said. He obviously knew the right buttons to push when it comes to me and I won't deny that I'm loving every moment of it.
~~*~~
On our fifth day, we had decided to stay inside the house and lie around. We had spent the past few days strolling around the resort and trying out the different amenities. We had gone swimming, bowling, jet-skiing in the man-made lake, and even fishing.
We both couldn't get enough of the sights at first. The place was simply marvelous. Trees shaded the walkways and flowers of all colors can be found. I nearly panicked when I saw a flower bed full of blue tulips! I thought all along that tulips only survived in Holland but one of the caretakers -- you could always find one eager to attend to anything you want -- told me that it was a special breed. Well, I still couldn't believe it and asked if we were allowed to have a picnic beside it. Although, there were more spacious locations than the one I had chosen, I just insisted on having one there.
The caretaker exchanged a few words into his two-way radio and within a couple of minutes, we were brought a blanket and a picnic basket. Even Alex was amazed at their efficiency. When we opened the basket, there lay two sets of menus. The caretaker turned waiter, suggested that we try out their various selections of cakes and their 1989 Californian White Wine which Alex got, along with a decadent chocolate cake. I chose the Strawberry shortcake with Caramel Syrup.
Alex made a comment that although the cake was great, mine was still the best that he's tried. I merely smiled at this comment and looked at him. He really did look great. He had cut his hair shorter than we first met, and it made him look more mature, smarter even. The time he spent at the gym was paying off, his body was filling out.
I know that this would sound really cheesy and tacky, but that was perhaps the most amazing afternoon I had ever had in my entire life. Alex and I just enjoyed each other's company, joking and playing around. I was simply grateful that he was back into my life, more concretely that is. We savored the moment like it was the last of our days and it's as if all other concerns, all other items, simply ceased to exist. All that mattered was that moment. All that mattered was each other.
Going back to our house, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and happiness. Yet, at the back of my mind, I knew that I had to be careful. I knew that if I kept this up, I would only be setting myself up for a bigger fall. Alex's straight, I kept saying to myself. He loves you but not in the way that you love him.
I felt a pang of pain when I realized that at the end of the day, Alex would be spending the rest of his life with someone else, and so would I. I knew that I shouldn't be greedy and ungrateful... that I should be contented to at least have him this way. And I was, at least I tried to.
But also, I can't help but wonder how it would be like to be held by him, and be looked at the way he did with Jennifer. I couldn't help but wonder how his body would feel if he held me tightly and tell me that he wants to spend the rest of his days with me.
If there's anything that I have learned though in my 19 years of existence, it's to savor what you have, the here and now. So that's what I did. I tried as hard as I could to sweep how I feel for him under the rug and to pretend that I wasn't falling for him. I tried to love him as best as I could, as a brother and best friend, nothing more, painful as it may be. I tried to forget about the kiss, about the kiss that expressed how I secretly loved him all this time... about the kiss that he so easily dismissed as an overzealous act of friendship, nothing more.
"Hey!" Alex shouted.
"O, what... what were you saying?" I asked, startled to be brought back into the land of the living. He was sitting beside me in the living room as we had just started drinking shots of tequila. We decided to get drunk and sleep 'til noon tomorrow since we were leaving in two days time.
"You tell me. Where were you?" he asked, looking at me inquisitively.
"Uhm... nothing. I mean, nowhere. Was just thinking about nothing in particular.... so what were you saying?" I said, trying to change the topic.
"No, you're not dodging this one. So what were you thinking Lawrence?" he asked, his tone changing into a serious one.
"Really... I wasn't." I said stalling for more time and thinking of something to say. He scowled at me, forcing me to say it.
"Okay. You sure you want to know?" I asked, giving him some hints that it's something grave.
"I was just thinking of how lucky I am... I mean, look at this, some people won't be able to experience a place like this in their entire lives, and here we are, barely adults, enjoying it. I was just thinking of all the things that happened the past year, and I'm really, really happy with the results, you know what I mean?
"I remember the day when my mom told me that you were going to be my flat mate. I screamed. Can you believe that? I screamed. I told her anyone but you... I still can't believe I screamed, but I did..." I said, laughing at how much of a brat I was. Alex just remained smiling when he heard this. He was looking at me intently, and our physical closeness was comforting and at the same time, dangerous. I had to exert much effort to control myself.
"And look at us now, who would have thought that we'd get along so well? I mean, there was no question for me when I saw you walk into the door that I would like you, but I guess what really amazes me to this day is why you didn't run..." I asked.
"Why should I? You're a really great guy, Ence. It's rare to find people like you." he responded, still looking directly at me. I felt myself blush and become self-conscious.
"Thanks Alex. Thanks for everything. I know that I haven't done anything to deserve your friendship, but I --"
With that Alex leaned forward and kissed me. He grabbed my head and kissed me with all the passion that there was in the world. Whatever emotions I had swept under the rug came surfacing and we kissed like there was no tomorrow. I could feel the heat of his body and I felt his tongue exploring my mouth.
When we broke from the kiss, I didn't know what to do or how to act. I just stared into the floor, waiting for him to hit me or walk out. Instead, he cupped my chins, moving my head to face his and said:
"I wasn't that bad, was I? Here, let's try if I can do better."
And with that, he kissed me one more time. It was more passionate than the first one and his tongue caressed my mouth, finding its own place. He gently pushed me on the sofa and with his hands, he took off my shirt. I reciprocated and did the same thing. I kissed him and slowly unbuttoned his polo and threw it on the floor. We were both already bare-chested when he suddenly stood up.
My heart stopped beating, seeing him standing there. When I looked up at him, I saw him grin, and his hands slowly unbuttoned his jeans. God he looks amazing. His muscles have been more defined since he left and I can see his six-pack starting to develop. Wearing nothing else but his boxer briefs, he held my hands and had me stand up. I looked up at him before he kissed me, while his hands unbuttoned my pants.
His lips were on my neck, licking me slowly, causing moans to escape from my mouth. He slowly pushed me back on the sofa and when I was already lying down, he laid down beside me, his head in front of my crotch. We were in a 69 position when I felt his hot mouth gently biting my cock, with my boxers still on. I pulled his shorts off and his manhood sprang up. I grabbed it by the base and directed it to my waiting mouth. He did the same and despite our motions, the room was filled with moans. He continued to bob up and down on my cock, while I sucked and licked his nuts. He moaned loudly at this so I continued, jacking him all the while. I can feel myself building up, my passions growing stronger and stronger. From Alex's loud moans, I can sense that he is getting close as well.
"Oh God.... Oh God...." he moaned.
I continued to suck on him, savoring his taste, wanting to bring him to the edge. He sucked me harder, faster. I'm getting close now.... I licked his nuts and told him that I was getting close... really close.... but he just continued on sucking, he used his tongue to play with the underside of my head while he sucked me loudly.
"AAAAAAHhhhhhhhhh!" I shouted.
I grabbed his dick and placed it back on my mouth, using my tongue to caress it. I sucked him and jacked him until he shouted "OOH GGGGOOOOD!"
~~*~~
After a couple of minutes lying down there, our energies spent, he stood up. It was then that I knew that it was just a slip for us both, a momentary act of weakness.
But then Alex held my hand and brought me to the bathroom. As we waited for the Jacuzzi to fill with water, he held me at the waist and kissed me.
"That wasn't so bad, was it?" he asked me, smiling.
"No, it wasn't." I whispered, still uncertain how far this would go.
"Wait here." he said as he turned around and left the room, buck naked still. I didn't know what to do so I just waited there with my ass pressed against the sink. My mind has ceaed working... When he came back a minute later, he was carrying a basket and an ice bucket with a white wine in it. He guided me into the Jacuzzi and he placed the ice bucket on the floor. When he opened the basket, he took out rose petals. Yes, rose petals. He scattered it into the tub and smiling, took out two glasses from the basket, which he filled with the wine. He handed me a glass when he climbed behind me into the tub, and settling down, he held me.
Alex's hand was across me on my chest, while in his other hand, he held the glass of wine. He was cuddling me. I didn't know still what to think, so I didn't. I merely seized the moment and laid my head on his chest. I tried to relax and enjoy it... but I couldn't. I didn't know what was happening and what would happen next, and the thought that it's just a dream wherein I would wake up soon and lose Alex was something that I didn't want to happen. So I wiggled my way out of his arm and sat opposite him. I faced him and looked him the eyes.
"A-Alex..." I started, but he placed a finger on my lips and said, "Let me."
"Ence, I've long wanted to tell you this... But well, frankly, I was scared. I was really scared... I didn't know if you felt the same way. I was scared of losing you. Yesterday with the tulips, that's when I realized everything and when I decided to take the chance.
"So that's why I bought the tequila. I needed to find some courage somewhere. I had already started my speech but you just spaced out. And then, that happened..." he explained, his eyes never leaving mine for a second. With a deep breath, he continued:
"What I'm saying Ence, is that I love you. And not in the friendly way... or in the puppy kind of way.... or in a brotherly way... I love you more than anyone or anything else. Very simply and very truly. I love you like I never loved anyone else before, not Jennifer, not my parents, not even myself.
"The past months were hell for me. I went to Australia to give myself the opportunity to fall for someone that I could love. But it didn't work. The entire time, I just kept on thinking about you... about your food, about your jokes... about you Ence... the entire time. I tried everything to stop myself from thinking it and to focus on giving Jennifer a try but I couldn't. That was the big void that I had. I finally figured it out a couple of days ago. The void wasn't in me or in Jennifer, it was simply because she wasn't you...
"Ence, you are the epitome of everything I'm looking for in another human being. You make me laugh with your stupid antics, you make me cry with your sincerity, you make me... you make me want to be a better person. I never thought that I would fall for another guy before but I did... I crashed for you... I've never felt more alive... more complete than when I am with you.
"I just... I just can't take this any more. I can't stand being beside you without wanting to hold your hand and kiss you. I can't be in the same room with you without expressing how I truly feel for everything that you are... I can't look at your eyes and not feel the emotions stirring up in me like in a trashy romance novel. I've tried hiding it the past few days and it was simply an agony for me... I knew at our picnic that I couldn't let this go on. That I had to take a chance and tell you how I really feel."
I just sat there, with the hot water bubbling around us and the tears just fell into my cheeks. I didn't know what to say? What do you say when the man you've been secretly in love with tells you that he loved you as well? So, I just leaned close to him and kissed him gently on the lips. When we broke from our kiss, he smiled at me and brought his glass to mine.
"I take it that that's a positive sign. To us, then." he toasted, smiling broadly.
~~*~~