Chapter 11
"Oh dear," I heard Mrs. Johnson say, as she hurried to the bathroom door. "Alex? Are you sick?
When I didn't' answer her or make a sound for a few minutes, she must have started worrying about me, because the next thing I heard was her calling: "Ed, can you please come here?"
"Hun, Alex is in the bathroom and I think he's sick or something. He won't answer me. Do you think you should go in to check on him, to make sure he's okay?"
A light rap on the door, and Phil's dad asking, "Alex?" didn't help calm me down. The Johnson's were some of the nicest people I had ever met. I often thought they treated me more like a son than my own parents but that didn't mean they were actually willing to have me be one... especially if they found out the reason I bailed from home. I heard the doorknob jiggle and the lock popped open. "Alex, I'm coming into the bathroom, are you okay?"
I quickly stood up and moved toward the lavatory, burying my eyes in the crook of my arm to wipe the tears on my shirt sleeve as I did. Nothing more was said as I splashed some water on my face.
"Ah, dad? Can we talk for a minute?" Phil asked, breaking the silence. I shot him a look of desperation before he left the bathroom. I think he understood the importance of his next words. I could hear them talking, and after filling his dad in with the details of what I had told him, he asked his dad if I could stay with them until things settled down a little.
"Phil, you of all people should know that running away doesn't solve a person's problems."
"Dad" he pleaded, "He can't do it on his own. Even I had to go away for a while to get my head straightened out. Maybe God just wants to see if we really believe the things we say we do. ...You know, like the `Good Samaritan'."
I never even considered that I'd be walking into a trap like that, but I was desperate and figured I could deal with that later. Whatever.
I looked out the doorway, and saw Mr. Johnson rough Phil's hair, like he was proud of him.
"I'll talk to your mother about it, Phillip, but don't get your hopes up. Ellen..."
Mr. Johnson headed to the kitchen and Phil came back into the bathroom. I was leaning on the edge of the vanity, and the way I felt, probably looking as if my entire future hung on his parent's decision.
"You look really bummed."
"I feel like such an idiot. What if your parents say I can't stay here? I don't have anywhere else to go because I can't go home. My mom hates me for being a guy. She always wanted me to be a girl. Phil promise you won't ever tell anyone, but she... she used to try to get me to dress like a girl. I mean, when me and Daryl were younger, she used to get us to play dress up and I always had to be the mom. She used to call me Alexis all the time and made me lie to dad when he'd see me, telling him I begged her to let me wear girl's clothes."
I hadn't noticed that Phil's parents were standing just outside the bathroom door when I told him that.
"Oh, Alex."
My head snapped around to see Mrs. Johnson rushing into the bathroom. She hugged me real tight. I felt even worse, realizing that they now knew my next to darkest secret.
Mr. Johnson squeezed Phil's shoulder, and told him to go order a couple of pizzas for supper. They said they wanted to talk to me in private."
The way Phil left the bathroom, shaking his head, and looking disgusted, I doubt he was shocked by what I told him. Maybe he was surprised that my mom actually wanted me to dress like girl, but I doubt it really surprised him that she would do something that weird. He told me once that she kind of gave him the creeps when she was around -- like she could look right through a person without seeing them.
I almost had to run back into the bathroom when Mr. Johnson went to get the phone so he could talk to my parents about me staying here for a while. I just had this sinking feeling in my gut, that they would say no way, and send the police to pick me up.
Someone must have picked up the phone at my house, because Mr. Johnson left the room. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I figured it must be mom by the way he was having to almost argue into the phone to get them to understand why I needed to get away for a while. I can sure understand why Phil likes his dad so much. I mean I'm not even his kid, and he sounded like he really cared about me. Five minutes later, feeling incredibly relieved, Phil's dad hung up the phone, breathed a sigh of relief, and told me I was staying for a while.
I went to the kitchen to find Phil so I could tell him. Miffed that he wasn't there, I suddenly heard a shriek from outside, and Phil yelling "gotcha!"
When Phil's brothers come up in conversation, he usually refers to them as the twin rats' or thing one and thing two,' and acted like he hated them. He even called them the little brats one time, but I knew if it ever came down to it, he'd defend them to the death. Daryl and I always got along together, too, but I'm not sure how willing either one of us would have been to give up something really important to help the other out of a jam.
I stepped outside and watched Sam and Arn warily inching toward the pile of leaves Phil had raked. Aaron was the braver of the two, and made a quick hop to the edge, then just as quickly hopped back.
"You do it Sammy."
"No way. What if he's in there?"
"Scaredy Cat," Aaron taunted.
"We'll do it together. ...That way if he can only get one of us. One, two, three!"
The second Sammy counted three, the pile of leave erupted and Phil dove toward his screaming brothers. I don't think I ever heard so much laughter before in my life as Phil dragged them into his lair and they disappeared under the leaves. It almost made me want to join them, but I didn't want to spoil their fun.
Things got suddenly quiet. Then the chanting began. "Alex..." someone called in an eerie voice. It must've been Aaron, because I heard him ask, "Did I do it right, Phil?"
"Of course you did, Squirt. Keep saying it."
They all three were calling my name at the same time, and even though I really wasn't in a party mood, I played along with their game and moved toward the leaf pile.
When I got to the edge I was greeted with a quick, "ssshhh."
"Look. I don't..." was all I got out of my mouth before I heard Phil command "Now!" and the leaves were flying at me by the bushel full. I tried to move back when Sam and Arn flew at my waist, but Phil must have wrapped his arms around my ankles and I helplessly fell into the pile alongside them.
Next thing I know, all three of them are sitting on my chest, whooping and hollering that they won.
"Let's do it again," Aaron begged as he tried to lift Phil off me.
Phil had his knees on either side of my waist and had my arms trapped above my head with one hand. "I hope you're into entertaining brats," Phil laughed, "...`cause I'm gonna enjoy doubling up on those two." He took his free hand and swatted a pile of leaves over my face before standing up and offering his hand to me.
"Do it again," pled Phil's brothers, each grabbing a different leg.
"It's Alex's turn to hide," Phil informed them.
They didn't seem too excited at that, and just looked in my direction to see what I would do.
"Bo-o-oys," Mrs. Johnson's voice boomed from the house. "Pizza's here. Come and wash up."
"Saved by the bell," Phil joked as he swooped Aaron under one arm and Sammy under the other, and staggered toward the kitchen door. When Sammy managed to wriggle free, I was right there to scoop him up. I felt Sammy tense when I grabbed him but he let me carry him into the house before sliding out of my grip.
I'm not sure why, but unlike all the other times I had eaten with the Johnson's today seemed different. Sammy and Arn hardly spoke, and Ed seemed like he was having trouble finding anything to use as a conversation starter. I finally excused myself from the table, and by the time I got to the TV room, their table banter sounded like it always had in the past. That's the first time I felt it. It started as a little twist in the pit of my stomach, then spread steadily until all I could think about was that I just wanted to go somewhere to hide and cry my eyes out. All they'd done to make me feel welcomed in the past was just a game. Now I was nothing more than an intrusion. Neither Sammy nor Aaron had wanted me to be `it' and hide in the leaf pile. When I picked up Sammy after he wriggled out of Phil's grasp, he was just being polite by letting me carry him. Then at the table... I never felt like an outsider until today, but the way their carrying on practically exploded after I left the table made it painfully obvious that even though they told me I could stay with them, I wasn't going to be a part of the family.
When Phil finally found me sitting on the floor beside his bed, he looked at me questioningly and asked what was up.
"My aunt called and said she heard what happened. She wants me to come and live with them."
"Oh. Cool, huh?"
I couldn't tell if Phil was trying to show support for me, or if he actually was glad that I wouldn't have to live with them.
"When would you have to leave?"
"She said I could pick up my ticket right away." It was all lies. I hadn't talked to her since last Christmas.
"I can get my dad to drive you."
"I guess I never really unpacked so you think he'd mind taking me right away?" I don't know how I kept my eyes dry; I must have just been in survival mode.
"So where does your aunt live," Mr. Johnson asked me on the drive to town.
I'm glad I had thought that one through in advance. "Meadville," I told him. I knew that was the town, but truthfully, I had no idea where in Pennsylvania it was located.
"We'll wait here to make sure everything's okay with your ticket."
"That's okay Mr. Johnson. Aunt Crystal said she had it all set up."
"Mrs. Johnson would have a fit if she found out I let you here without seeing you off."
I suddenly got very defensive at that moment. I mean my back was now totally up against the wall. Either Phil's dad was calling my bluff, or he was too nice to let me fall through the cracks. "I'm old enough to figure things out if something gets messed up."
"I have no doubt about that, Alex. I'm just asking you to put yourself in my shoes. I agreed with your mother to look after you for a few weeks. How would Mrs. Johnson and I ever live with ourselves if something happened to you?"
I walked over to the ticket counter and amazed myself by asking the agent if he had a ticket reserved in my name bound for Meadville.
"Erie?" the ticket agent asked.
"Is that near Meadville?"
"That's about as close as we can get you."
"That must be where the ticket's for, then," I told him confidently, hoping Mr. Johnson would hear it and be satisfied.
"Your name?"
"Alex Harper, but the ticket may be in my Aunt Crystal's name."
"No Harper. Does your aunt have a last name?"
He looked at me suspiciously when I told him to try Willis.
"How about I see if there are any reservations to Erie, and then you can keep guessing until you get it right?"
"He won't leave until he knows I've got my ticket. Could you just like print something out and hand it to me so he can go away and not worry about me?"
I glanced over just in time to see Phil's dad looking at me and folding his cell phone. I almost ran when he started walking over to me.
"You won't get far," the man behind the counter advised. "Are you in some kind of trouble?"
"Alex, life is hard," Mr. Johnson softly whispered in my ear as he wrapped his arms around me. I felt my body tense just like Sammy's had when I picked him up to carry him. "Most guys don't find that out about that until they're out on their own. You're finding it out earlier than most, but you'll survive. We're going to help you get back on your feet again."
He held me until I felt uneasy enough to force myself free from his embrace.
"I know things didn't go too well at dinner, Alex. Give the boys a little time to get used to having another brother around the house. We're also going to be praying for your mom and dad to find healing too. Lord Jesus, flood Alex and his parent's with your love, and guide them to find wise council."
The drive back to Phil's house was painful. I was sulking. Phil, I don't think knew what to make of the whole scenario, and Mr. Johnson, kept trying to make small talk. Finally when he was near my house he told me he had been on the phone with my dad when I was at the train station.
"Your dad said that no one was home at the moment, so if you wanted to pick anything up, you could do it now."
"I'm good," I told him, thinking there were a few things I'd like to have but not wanting to go anywhere near the house I was supposed to call home.
Mrs. Johnson insisted that I create my own Mii character before they could start any of their Wii games that night. I chose dark hair, dark skin, a big bushy moustache, and dark glasses.
"That doesn't look like you, at all" Sammy told me. "It's suppose to look like you when you're done."
"I can make it look anyway I want," I sharply criticized. "It's just a stupid game, Twerp."
"Is not," he protested. "And you're not supposed to call anyone names, either."
"That will be enough, you two. Sammy, Alex is allowed to make his character look the way he wants it to look. And Alex, we do ask that you don't resort to demeaning name calling while you're here."
"Can I have a moustache?" Arn was quick to ask.
She told him yes, but I don't think she was impressed with my negative influence on her youngest son.
"There. Now can we get on with the game?" she asked after pasting a Fu Man Chu, on Aaron's Mii. "Alex, since you're the guest, you get to pick the first game."
"What's the shortest one? I don't really feel like playing."
"We could have a boxing tournament," Arn suggested. "I always knock everyone out right away."
"Braggart," Phil complained like it was true.
My first opponent was Phil. It took him all of three punches to knock me out. He looked more disappointed that I hadn't tried than happy that he beat me.
I had expected that since it was a tournament, once you lost you were out. Not so at the Johnson residence. The tournament wasn't over until everyone had faced everyone else. Mr. Johnson tried to not throw punches that would knock me down, but in the end, I managed to lose anyway.
My final opponent was Aaron. I just couldn't get used to calling him Arn, like everyone else.
I planned to see if he could knock me out with one punch, so I just stood there. He knocked me down but unfortunately for me, not out.
"That's no fair," Aaron complained. "You're not even trying."
I'm not sure where it came from, but suddenly I was boiling mad. How could this little pipsqueak treat me like he didn't want me around and then complain that I wouldn't give him a fair fight? The bell sounded again, and I took a mighty swing and knocked him flat. He looked surprised and then dug in.
I knocked him flat a second time, and then knocked him out as soon as he got up.
"Dude," Phil crowed. "No one's ever done that to Arn."
I handed my controller to him and went back to sulking.
"I want to play Phil again," Aaron complained.
Phil really was pitiful at this game. He got knocked down twice, and then looking at Aaron's smug face, I put both my arms around Phil and took control. We had him knocked out before he knew what was happening. I hadn't expected it. I mean it's not why I put my arms around him, but suddenly I didn't want to let go. Mrs. Johnson looked shocked when I opened my eyes, chin resting on Phil's shoulder, still holding on to him.
"Phil, you get to play Sammy again," she said nervously watching the two of us. It kind of surprised me that Phil wasn't trying to escape, but I let go of him and moved back.
It didn't take long for Sammy to finish off his brother, but all the while, I could see Mrs. Johnson eyeing me up while I hatched a plan in my mind for after everyone was in bed.
I was rather surprise when I came out of the bathroom after brushing my teeth to see Phil's dad dragging two air mattresses into Phil's room. Phil looked embarrassed as he helped his dad inflate them.
"I thought we could have a guy's night together," Phil's dad told us as Mrs. Johnson covered the mattresses with bedding.
I looked at Phil questioningly.
He shrugged his shoulders and apologized with his eyes.
"I get the bed, and you two can sleep on the floor," Mr. Johnson announced before heading out of the room.
"What's that about," I asked as soon as I was sure he was out of earshot.
"Ah... Dad asked me if I knew what you and your mom were fighting about. I think mom kinda noticed us when you didn't let go of me after we beat Arn to a pulp."
"What?" I asked, hoping to find out what Phil's reaction to the cuddling would be.
"Please don't make things hard for me, Alex."
His eyes were pleading with me to not press the issue, but I could smell victory. It hadn't taken me very long on Friday to figure why Casey was the way he was. He wasn't into having a boyfriend at all. All he wanted was to have another guy to mess around with anytime he felt the stirring -- a friend with benefits. I finally understood what he had told me that day in the store. I found out at the party he wasn't too particular as to whom the friend was either; as long as he was getting the benefits. I needed someone to belong to, and now I was more sure than ever that I wanted Phil to be that someone. I wanted him to be more than just my friend, and unless I was totally missing something, which I was sure I wasn't, deep down, Phil wanted the same thing.
"Well guys, time for bed," Mr. Johnson announced as he came back into the room. "We've got to get up for church in the morning."
Lying on my mattress, I waited for Mr. Johnson's breathing to fall into a steady cadence before I made my move. Phil was apparently wasn't sleeping either, because when I slipped under his covers I felt him tense and then relax a bit as I snuggled up to him. He felt so soft and warm. My lips made their way to his neck and I gently nibbled his skin. He turned to look at me. I'm sure he was about ready to give in to my already puckered lips when a knotted sock bounced off my head. "Alex, please move back onto your own mattress unless you'd rather sleep on the sofa."
I wished I could've disappeared through a crack in the floor as I scurried away and pulled the covers over my face.
"Sorry," I mumbled. "I just felt so lonely. It won't happen again," I promised, knowing full well I had every intention of making sure that it did.
Awaking to an empty room Sunday morning, I made my way to the kitchen, not sure of what was awaiting me. Phil was sitting on his dad's knee. His dad was leaning forward and had his arms wrapped around Phil's waist. When Phil saw me, he stood up, breaking his father's embrace, with his face turning a deep crimson red. Judging by the way he looked most mornings when he got on the school bus, I guessed he hadn't slept well.
"I need to ask you to forgive me for what happened last night, Alex. I asked dad to sleep with us because I was afraid of what might happen if we were alone. I don't want to be like that, Alex, so I thought if dad was there nothing could happen." If it were possible, I'd say his face was now an even deeper red than when he first noticed me.
"Alex," Mr. Johnson interrupted. "I want you to know that we want you to be here. I also want you to know that Phil has asked me on more than one occasion to help him overcome a certain something that's going on in his life right now. Please don't take this wrong, but while you're here I'm going to have to insist that the two of you sleep on opposite sides of the room, and that you do everything in you power to help Phil avoid doing some things that he's committed to God not to do anymore. I think he's already told you what those things are, so to avoid further embarrassment, I won't go into detail unless you need me to."
"Ah-h-h... No sir. I guess I understand."
"Thank you, Alex. I'm sure everyone will adjust quickly to our situation. Now, you think you can be ready for church in fifteen minutes? You don't have to dress up. Jeans and a tee will be just fine."
Again I stammered, trying to think of a way to avoid going to church.
"I guess we haven't had a chance to go over any ground rules of the house, but one thing on the list is that if you stay here, then you give up two hours of your Sunday to fellowship with other believers. You can probably skip breakfast this morning. You'll find coffee and donuts when you get there."
"Thank you, sir," I told him as I turned to go get dressed. Maybe I could sneak back into my house and find enough money for a bus ticket, and just show up at Aunt Crystal's place.
I felt like everyone was staring at me when we got to church. Phil introduced me around but I absolutely hated it when the first thing out of everyone's mouth was "So... are you saved?" or "What church do you go to?" Thank god Phil noticed it to, because after the first couple of guys asked, he stopped introducing me.
Phil really got into the music. I had no idea there were churches that had rock bands leading the singing. After Phil noticed me watching him sing, he kind of backed off a little like he was embarrassed about it or something. The sermon was boring, even though the guy walked around a lot and interacted with some of the people while he was preaching. The longest part of the morning though, was at the end when he started asking people to become Christians. He said something like "Those of you who need Jesus know who you are," or something like that, but I knew he was just saying it for my benefit. I almost got up and went to the bathroom, but that would have been kind of obvious, so I just looked down at the floor and pretended to be praying like Phil.
All said and done, I still couldn't figure out what religion was about. After lunch, Phil told me that after his parents had sent him to boot camp, his mom and Ed -- that's Mr. Johnson's name, had turned to some friends of theirs for help. That's when they "found Jesus." He told me that he found out later, that they were desperate to know how to handle all the guilty feelings they had for sending him away like they had. I'm sure he was trying to get me to convert to his religion when he told me that it was at those meetings that they found out they didn't have to carry the burden of a son-gone-wild all by themselves.
"My mom became a Christian first. She spent an entire day with another lady whose son died in a car accident after going to a party. My dad couldn't understand the change in my mom after that. Like instead of fretting over things she couldn't control -- namely both her past and mine -- she dealt with her guilty thoughts by stopping what she was doing and asking God to help us all to get through the mess we were in. She told me that it was two months to the day after I had left for camp that dad went fishing with a guy from her support group named Stu, and when he returned home she knew right away that he was a different man than the one who had left in the morning.
"Dad told mom that he had been so concerned about me getting into so much bad stuff that he never even considered, that in his own way, he had been just as bad as I was. Mom said that Stu told dad that everyone needs to get right with God by admitting their failures, and inviting him to take control of their life -- that it wasn't good enough in God's eye to just be better than someone else."
Phil stopped there and looked at me like he was hoping I'd "get it." I got it alright... I mean I'm not stupid. It's just that I didn't want what he has, because what he has is the sole reason he won't even consider being more than just my friend. After I didn't respond to what he had been saying, he continued, like if he talked enough I'd finally say yes and everything in my life -- including me wanting to have a boyfriend -- would just go away. Sorry, but I'm not buying it.