Chapter 16
At my insistence, Eddie had apologized to Phil for what he had done. I'm not sure it was totally sincere, and I'm also not sure Phil totally bought it, but things were good when we were all together -- which was like always. ...well, almost always. Mondays and Wednesdays, Phil had to watch his two brothers `til his mom got home from working at the crisis pregnancy center. I still had trouble believing someone, as perfect as he was now, could have blown so much money on drugs. If I remember right, he said he had sold his own bike to a guy at school, then borrowed his dad's bike and left it lay where it got stolen, so he had to pay his dad back for that. He had sold his dad's collection of century old silver dollars, and pawned a pair of his mom's diamond earrings and matching diamond pendant necklace, so while he couldn't get them back, he had to at least come up with their replacement cost. He also had to pay back the cash he took from hidden stashes around his house and from his mom's pocketbook. He even owed his brothers because he stole money out of their piggy banks. He had to pay it all back with the money he earned by babysitting -- at five bucks an hour. Oh yeah, and he said he had also emptied the college savings account his grandparents had opened for him, and had to pay that back too.
It didn't take too long for Phil to figure out that Eddie and I didn't just sit around the house playing X-Box when he was babysitting. That's because one day he forgot his mom was off and came over early without telling us. I didn't answer the door right away so he just let himself in and started up the stairs to surprise us. Thank god he must have had second thoughts about what he might be walking into and stopped at the door to ask if he could come in. Eddie laughed and told him "sure" at the same time I was hollering "no!" I'm glad he trusted me more than Eddie. Even so, I could hardly look at him when I finally opened the door.
After that, Phil let himself in the house most days when he came over, but before he did, he always rang the bell several times and then hollered something up the stairwell and made a lot of noise downstairs, I guess so he couldn't hear if we were doing something he didn't want to know about.
Friday after Thanksgiving Day, my parents went out for the day to do Christmas shopping. They seemed to have ironed out their differences because they hadn't yelled at me, or at each other, for a couple of weeks now. It shouldn't have surprised me that Eddie decided to come over early that day and wake me up by doing a swan dive onto my bed while I was still sleeping. Scared the crap out of me at first, but when I realize it was him, I wrapped my arms around him and thought how much fun it would be to wake up like this every morning. We had no trouble figuring out how to spend our time for most of the morning, but by noon we were played out and started looking to fill the rest of the day.
"Let's see if Phil wants to go skateboarding," I suggested.
"That all you guys ever do," Eddie complained, rolling his eyes as he said it. "Let's do something different."
"Like?"
"Like what we were just doin', only with three."
Unlike me, Eddie seemed to never run out of steam. On top of that, he was adventurous like my brother Daryl. Unlike Daryl, however, Eddie seemed to have only one thing on his mind. Everything he did was focused on meeting guys and seeing how far he could push things. When I was the guy, I was happy. But all too often I wasn't the guy -- or at least not the only guy as was the case today. I instantly got defensive; frustrated that I alone couldn't satisfy his need for affection. I was also thinking about how Phil had asked me not to shove temptation in his face. That started what was Eddie's and my first ever argument. Compared to my parent's verbal barrages, it wasn't really an argument, but it was a little more than just a disagreement.
"Don't you notice how he watches me, chachas? He wan's me. ...he's just scared. We should give him another chance."
"I know for a fact that he doesn't want a chance to do anything like that with you or me."
"What do you mean? If you wouldn't have flipped out that time, I would have been licking my tonsils clean in like two minutes. He definitely wants me."
"Yeah, but even if he wants you, it doesn't mean he actually wants to do anything about it. I don't think it's right to try and get someone to mess up if they don't want to."
"Like that makes a lot of sense. Is everyone in this town like that?"
"Like what?"
"Like they're scared to try something just in case they might not like it? I say we set the boy up and show him what he's missing." I was beginning to get nervous as he fished the cell phone out of his pocket and started looking for, I presumed, Phil's number.
"Eddie, he's like my best friend. You are not gonna do this to him. I did kiss him once and he made me promise to never do it again."
That seemed to take some of the steam out of Eddie's quest to ruin Phil.
Half an hour later, Eddie was back at it. "Who said it would be getting Phil to mess up if he came over to join us? You think what we're doing is messing up?" Eddie asked, seeming a bit confused.
"Not for us it isn't, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't be for him. I mean, I don't really understand where he's coming from all the time, but I think it's wrong to try and get someone to do something they think is wrong."
"So we won' try. We'll jus' invite him over an' put on an irresistible show for him. He'll definitely be thinking it's alright when I give him a chance to wrap his hands aroun' these guns," he explained, flexing his arm muscles.
"I don't want to share these with anyone," I told him as seriously as I could. It took both my hands to encircle his rock hard bicep. That was the start of our second argument. Maybe what he said before about this being a conservative area was truer than I thought. Still, I figured that when two people were dating, they were pretty much committing themselves to not looking for other people to join them.
"I will not do that to my best friend," I stated rather emphatically, hoping he wouldn't push the issue farther.
"Fine," Eddie snapped at me. "Be like that. But when you're not aroun'..."
I wasn't sure what he was trying to tell me, and honestly, I didn't really even want to know.
Eddie finally gave in and we met Phil at the skate park. We were having a blast trying stupid stuff when I noticed Eddie watching Phil. I was kind of holding my breath, hoping he wasn't going to do something stupid. I guess in concept it was just supposed to be good fun when Eddie pulled up beside Phil and then hopped on Phil's deck, wrapping his arm around him. Amazingly, they managed to keep their balance but I knew by the way Eddie was gyrating his hips that he had ulterior motives. Phil jumped off his deck, but my boyfriend was ready for it and held on.
"Que me quieres tanto," I heard him tell Phil.
"No I don't," Phil spit, apparently understanding Eddie's come-on to a tee. That was the only time I ever heard my friend swear, or even come close to it for that matter. "Get the eff off me a-hole." ...only he didn't say "eff" or "a," he used the actual words.
Eddie just rolled onto his back like it was a big joke, while I was screaming "What are you doing, I told you he's off limits."
Phil was stunned, I could tell. He didn't even say anything; he just picked up his deck and sprinted towards home. I was livid.
"Why do you have to do stuff like that?" I shouldn't have asked, because I was totally not prepared for his reply.
"Man, you are so archaic. Why don't you wake up and see this isn't the nineties anymore. I'd do every guy in the whole town if I could. I can't believe you sometimes."
"I... I thought we were together," I mumbled, not knowing why I should feel embarrassed to say it.
"We are together, Alex. It's jus' being with jus' one person is history. Phil needs someone to love him, man, so why shouldn't I try to break him out of the closet?"
When I didn't respond, he added "I'm doin' him a favor, man. He just needs someone to help him out of the closet so he can be free."
I was crazy angry thinking about how bad Phil must feel right now. There was no question in my mind that by letting Eddie do what he had just done -- even though I had nothing at all to do with any of it, I had somehow betrayed him. Eddie rolled up alongside me and put his arms around my waist from behind. Even though I was mad at him, his embrace felt so good. I'd never had anyone to just hold me tight when I was feeling bad.
"You don't agree do you?" he asked while stroking his fingers though my hair. "You have the most awesome hair I ever seen, Alex. Sorry if I get a little wild sometimes. You mean a lot to me and I want to try to make you happy, okay?"
"Can we just respect Phil when he says he doesn't want to do stuff with guys," I whimpered.
"For you love, I'll do almost anything."
I didn't see Phil again until he got on the bus Monday morning. I almost thought he was going to walk past our seat, but after hesitating a moment, he slumped down beside me.
"So where'd you go after Eddie acted like a total jerk on Friday?" I asked him. He looked like he wanted to be somewhere else, just then.
"Alex... God, it was so hard. I don't know what it is about Eddie, but he makes it so hard for me. Feeling him wrap his arms around me like he did almost made me want to forget about God and just give in."
"We had a talk about that after you left. I don't think he sees things the same way as we do."
"He wanted me, Alex. ...and it's like he can make other people want him back. Are you guys tight?"
"I don't think his definition of tight is the same as mine," I replied. "I guess somehow I figured if we were dating, then we'd keep each other happy. That's not how my boyfriend thinks."
"I was so bummed out when I left you guys."
Phil was totally unraveling. He looked around to make sure no one was listening. "I actually went to the gazebo on the square. I don't know why but it's like I suddenly didn't want to be a Christian anymore. I think I just wanted to take the easy way out for once and get high. I can't believe I was actually thinking about scoring some ice after what it did to me before, but that's what I was thinking. It was like my mind was trying to tell me that if I was high, I wouldn't be responsible for my actions if Eddie started hitting on me again. Thinking about what you two must be doing when you're alone just brings back so many memories of when me and Casey were together."
To say I was shocked would be the understatement of the year. I mean, it's one thing if your best friend passed you a joint and you take a hit, but it's another thing altogether when you go out and buy something for yourself, hoping it gives you enough courage to totally jump off a cliff.
"I thought that part of my life was over," he continued. "...that I was somehow above giving in to those kinds of temptations. I was so sure it could never happen to me again. Now I'm even starting to wonder if God's really out there wanting to help someone as messed up as me, or if the reason I changed in the first place was because of the pressure I was in at that camp. Why won't he change that part of me if he wants me to marry a girl some day?"
More religion. I felt really bad for Phil, but more than that, I was like totally uncomfortable with his whining. I mean it's one thing when someone tells you they're into religion because of all the positive stuff it does for them; but it's totally insane when you feel like you need to talk them into overlooking the bad points when they can't make sense of what's going on.
"I'm glad I remembered something my camp counselor, Sean, told me the first day I was there. That was one sucky day," Phil said softly, almost like he was in a stupor. "I was afraid that if I told him straight out that I hated him he'd make things even harder for me. That's when he told me I need to always tell the truth. ...That if my work assignment stunk some day, when he asked me what I didn't like, I was supposed to tell him. He made sure I understood that I wouldn't get punished for saying I didn't like to do something, or get rewarded if I told him what I thought he wanted to hear. Sean said that's not how love works. Love keeps things in proper perspective so you can get to the other side of trouble without self-destructing."
I wasn't sure where this was going, exactly, so I just prepared myself to keep listening to him.
"At the last minute, I chickened out. Thankfully, my brain made me think about all I'd be throwing away if I got addicted again. I got home just as everyone was sitting down for supper. I didn't realize just how bummed I must have been, until my mom asked if I wasn't feeling well."
"I just told her I wasn't hungry on account of me having a rough afternoon."
"What Sean said kept going through my mind, so I asked Ed if we could go somewhere after supper and talk. I just had to tell someone about what I did.
"I really respect Ed, on account of what we went through last year. I can't believe how he treats me like I'm his own son, even though I'm not."
Okay, I thought to myself, this is getting really weird. I wondered if I should try to change the subject or just sit tight and listen. Since he wasn't even really looking at me, it didn't matter -- he just kept talking.
"When I told him about it being really hard for me to watch you guys, all he said was that it just proved I'm a guy. When I said I didn't get it, because you guys are... you know... he just looked at me and said `so?' like that had nothing to do with anything. He says every guy's programmed by their maker to have physical urges, and that our job is to find ways to restrain them in order to keep our body from doing it at the wrong time."
I wasn't quite sure, but I think that's where Phil was going to start talking about how being gay was wrong so I decided a preemptive strike was in order. "You know why Eddie's been messing with you in the first place?" I asked. Without waiting for him to answer, I told him, "He thinks you're wrapped too tight. He's a Christian too you know. I don't get why he has to go to church to talk to his dad because I'm pretty sure his dad's not the preacher, but he says as long as he stops by once a week and tells his father what he did wrong, everything's good. It kind of freaks me to think he's told his dad about some of the things we did. That's just wrong."
It was Phil's turn to look confused. "Maybe his dad thinks the same way Ed does. Ed told me that when a person owns up to his weaknesses, he can start to learn how to overcome them. He said that me asking for help like I had, proved to him that I was growing up and becoming a real man -- that it's important for us to do all we can to not mess up, but because we're only ever going to be human while we're here on earth, that wasn't the real issue. The real issue is that we get back up as many times as it takes until we learn from our mistakes. You know what Ed figures is the reason I wanted to give in to my natural urges?"
Phil waited for my response for the first time since he had slid into the seat next to me. I was afraid to answer so I just stared out the window. He told me anyway.
"He figured it was because you guys are my friends and that in order to feel accepted, it made it easy for me to want to give in to doing something that I used to like to do.
"He then told me I might want to consider trying to make friends with someone who isn't into guys so I'm not always faced with temptation. You ever see that new guy at school who has the lizard paintjob on his deck? I found out his name's Dillon Westfield. I'm gonna see if he wants to hang out with us," Phil told me just as the bus pulled to a stop in front of the school. It had been a long ride, but at least I felt a little less guilty knowing that he had a plan for "staying straight -- and clean."
"That reminds me," I shamefacedly mentioned to him. "My rents walked in on me and Eddie Friday night. My guess is they're not in denial about my certain preference' anymore. Anyway, my butt's grounded for the next two weeks, so I guess it's good you've got someone else to hang with. When you get to know him, tell him I said hi. Okay?"