The more time Phil and I spend hangin' together, the more I like him. I mean I don't like everything about him. For one thing he can't ever talk about anything without trying to make like God has something to say about it. I mean like everything! I know it must be important to him and all, but it kind of makes me nervous for some reason. The other thing that bugs me sometimes is that one minute I'm sure he's gay because of some of the things he says, and then the next minute he's telling me that being gay is something a person chooses. I don't know where he got his info, but I definitely didn't choose to be queer. So that makes me think he's definitely not gay because no one that's gay would say something like that.
Last night after I climbed into bed was one of those times when it was like Daryl was lying next to me. I know I was probably only talking to him in my imagination, but when I told him how Phil nearly decapitated me because I thought he was looking at some guy wipe his face with his pulled up tee shirt, it was like I heard him tell me "dude." That's what he always use to say to me when he thought something I was worried about was gonna work out okay. It was almost like Daryl knew that I was wondering about Phil and was telling me to go for it. Like maybe all the talk about God and choices was just a smoke screen so people wouldn't get down on him at his church.
My thoughts drifted back to Phil looking at that guy this afternoon, and the more I thought about it, the more wide awake I became. When mom stuck her head in my room to make sure that my computer was turned off for the night, I faked being asleep. Then, after she went back downstairs to her and dad's bedroom, I got up, held my pillow over it to muffle the beep, and booted up to feed my imagination by googling redhead guys.
After being disappointed by what I saw --or rather what I didn't see-- and twice having to fight some Trojan to keep it from taking over my web browser, I decided I'd better shut down for the night. Usually I only check my email once or twice a week, as I didn't really have any friends who bothered to write, but I decided to check tonight. Phil had asked for my e-dress on Monday, and I was kind of hoping he'd send something to me. There was a new email from "freedguy." That's the name I couldn't remember when I got home that day. I had tried sending a message to "fredguy", wondering why he would use the name "fred" in his address but it bounced. I was too embarrassed to ask him again.
Hey there, Alex
You sure do some crazy stuff when we're at the park. I haven't had so much fun or busted a gut so often in like forever. That thing you tried to do today -- I forget what you called it. For real, dude, is that actually a jump or were you just making that up? Anyway, it was pretty entertaining. Can't wait to see what you've got up your sleeve for tomorrow. I'm gonna have to come up with something on my own too, so you don't start thinking I'm a total poser.
Hangin' with you has changed me so much. Even my mom says it's like the first time she's seen me smile so much in years. Anyway, I just want you to know that when I knocked you down this afternoon, and you joked that I was checkin out that guy, I was like so embarrassed you said that, that I couldn't think what to tell you. Well I don't think I explained it right because I certainly don't want you to think I actually was checking the guy out like that or something cause I'm definitely not gay. Thing is, there's this guy I used to know from church, so I was looking to see if it was him. Last time I talked to him, he said he was a Christian, but then he said he's still gay which I can't see how that would be possible on account of what I've heard at church. I mean, don't take what I'm telling you the wrong way; it's not like I have anything against someone for believing that they're gay, it's just that I think God expects us to make the right choice when it comes to stuff like that if we're gonna say we're a Christian. That probably doesn't make a lot of sense to you cause you never told me that you're a Christian anyway, so I know you probably don't believe the same way I do about God and stuff. I just needed to tell you this because even though I believe it's wrong to be gay, God says we're supposed to hate the sin and love the sinner, so I guess it's not really a big deal anyway if someone is gay.
Later,
Phil
PS: It wasn't the guy I thought it was.
I really didn't know what to think about his email. I hadn't seen Phil coming at me until the last minute, but I know what I saw. ...and from the way he was looking at that guy, I'd say Phil is definitely probably gay. I also was wondering why he would be so freaked out about what I was thinking if he was totally straight. Why would he have even thought I might be thinking that in the first place? Anyway that's what I had on my mind when I finally went to sleep.
Next morning, I made my way back to where Phil and I usually sat, took a seat, and began to think about the email again. This morning I woke up with a sick feeling in my gut that Phil might have sent that email last night to trap me. He probably at least must suspect something about me since I'm the one that brought up the subject in the first place. He also must have picked up that I was thinking he might be at least curious about it or he wouldn't have specifically written that he wasn't.
A pencil eraser thrown at Jessica whatever-her-name-is, sitting two seats in front of me, bounced off my ear, snapping me out of my deep thoughts for a moment, but I just couldn't stop thinking about it. Why exactly did he tell me that he thought being gay was wrong? If, like Phil claims, God created everyone, then why would it be wrong if they happen to be gay? I mean, I know what he says, but it's not like a person can chose not to be who they are. At least it doesn't seem to work like that for me. Every time I see some couple making out in the hallway at school, it's definitely not the girl I'm thinking about. I don't even want to think about spending the rest of my life with some woman just because some people think that's what I should do.
Then another thought hit me. What if he's just playing the religious act to keep his parents off his back? I mean, he already let it slip that they'd shipped him to a military camp to make him do what they wanted. He even told me they put an Internet filter on his computer to keep him from looking at porn. Maybe all that religious stuff about how everyone needs help to do the right things is his way of coping with over-protective parents.
I tried, but I couldn't really convince myself that Phil didn't believe all that stuff he wrote about in his email. But didn't he pay attention in Health and Sexuality class? Hadn't he heard Mr. Arnett tell us how it's only our own prejudices and preferences that determine if something is right or wrong when it comes to choosing a partner? I mean, I can understand if straight guys are grossed out when they think about two guys doing certain stuff, but that certainly doesn't make it wrong.
All the words and mixed signals that Phil had sent me yesterday had me completely baffled so I decided that I'd better cool it for a while until I could find out more about him.
Phil interrupted my thoughts as he picked my backpack off the seat and dropped it in my lap.
"Ooof"
"Hey, man, how'd ya sleep last night?"
"Okay. Why?" I asked, irrationally fearing that he somehow knew what I had been doing online before I read his email.
"Because you look like a train wreck." He laughed at me as he gave my head a shove. "Your hair's like sticking straight out on the one side. Did ya get the email I sent you?"
I shrugged my shoulder and cocked my head slightly, then reached up to try to force the curls that were being unruly to lie down.
"Guess what? Our family's plans for the weekend fell through. I can go to the park after school today. You in?"
"Maybe"
"What d'ya mean, maybe? Come on, man. We'll have a blast. I want to try something I saw a guy do on TV last night."
"I don't know" I told him, but inside I did know --I was suddenly afraid that if he actually believed that being gay was wrong, and if he figured out for sure that that's what I was, he would not only "hate the sin," but also "hate the sinner." I'm not exactly sure what the phrase means, but I'm pretty sure at best it meant dropping me as a friend, and at worst, doing his Christian duty of threatening to out me at school so I'd be forced to change --at least on the outside, that is. Maybe I should be the one to make the first move. After all, I can't choose not to be who I am, but I can choose to not hang with homophobes, if that's what he turns out to be.
Of all mornings for him to do it, why did that guy I saw in the cafeteria after the Jason thing have to pick today? It was the guy who had locked eyes with me after my egomaniac neighbor had gotten in my face. He was standing across the hall from my locker watching me like a hawk. It kind of freaked me out at first because other than figuring it probably had something to do with what Jason had said, I had no idea why he was standing there staring at me. I looked to see if Phil was still at his locker and saw him kind of glaring across the hallway at him. Glancing back at the guy, I saw that he didn't seem fazed by Phil. He just kind of smiled at him, cocked his head, and looked back to me. I quickly looked back into my locker, but not before locking eyes with him and noticing his eyebrows wriggle up and down.
I don't know what makes a person react certain ways to things, but him doing that made my face heat up and my heart start racing. I looked around again and felt my skin was even getting clammy. He was now right behind me and had the cutest smile on his thin lips. I wondered if this is what a deer must feel like when a car's headlights lock up his muscles.
"Hey," he said softly as I remained frozen in place. I couldn't keep myself from looking into his eyes again. There was something different about them. I couldn't tell what it was, so I looked a little longer this time, hoping he didn't notice. They were like sparkling, or something; almost amber but with little sparkles of gold, and haloed with a dark ring...and he had the coolest long eyelashes. He maybe wasn't the hottest looking guy at school, shorter than me and a little overweight, but his dark maroon oiled ringlets, and those sparking hazel brown eyes where definitely enough to capture my full attention.
I looked over to see if Phil was still there, hoping that he had gone. Great, I thought to myself, he had his head down and looked like he was praying or something. B-U-S-T-E-D!
Before I looked back to the guy, who was now practically standing against me, I saw Phil's eyes open. He looked like he wanted to say something to me, but instead he just turned and headed toward the classroom.
"You're Alex, right?"
"Who wants to know?" I asked.
"That you boyfriend?" he asked in a whisper, as he nodded toward Phil.
Irrationally thinking that if Phil heard me, it would undo what he had just witnessed; I dropped the f-bomb and snapped "Jason doesn't know squat about me." Phil did turn his head slightly, like he heard me say it, but he kept going through the doorway.
"That the guy in the cafeteria Jason?"
"He's my neighbor. He's always walking around outside his house with practically nothing on, and flexing his muscles like he wants everyone to notice how hard his body is. He's a jerk," I defended myself.
"You lucky dog," he quickly replied, his smile widening.
He caught me by surprise on that one. "If you think I can fix you up with him, guess again," I snapped, feeling the wind leaving my sails.
"With that egomaniac? You're the one who should guess again."
Was he hitting on me? I felt almost dizzy. "What's that supposed to mean?" I asked testing the waters a bit.
"I saw something in your eyes the other day in the cafeteria."
I wrinkled my brow and wondered what exactly he had seen.
"You ever hear of gaydar?"
I had no idea what he meant, but I was getting more nervous by the moment. "No," I timidly answered.
"I've been checking you out ever since I saw you the other day. You definitely seem to appreciate our own species."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means that even if you aren't out, you definitely enjoy looking at prime beef."
His words scared me. If I was that obvious to a complete stranger, then I must be even more so to guys like Phil. The guy in front of me must have seen my face turn white.
"Hey, hot stuff, don't worry. It's a special gift that only queer people have. If a guy's not a little bent at the wrist, then there's no way he'd notice."
Okay, now it was getting freaky. I turned toward homeroom wondering if the reason Phil noticed me noticing this guy was because he had "gaydar" too.
Sliding in front of me, the guy took one more shot at shaking me loose. "Look, I just thought that if what that guy, Jason, said was true, then maybe we could get together sometime and see what happens."
He stood there looking for my reaction, then without another word, stepped aside and walked off leaving me stunned. Was this guy actually serious? Was I that obvious?
I watched him walk away, and as he turned the corner, he looked straight at me with those incredible eyes, which caused my racing heart to skip another beat.
"Alex, do you know that guy?" Phil wanted to know as I dove for my homeroom seat before role was taken and I was marked late.
"What's it to you? He was just some guy who wanted to ask me about something."
Phil just sat there like he was waiting for me to say more. For some reason, that ticked me off. Who'd he think he was anyway, my mom?
"He was in the cafeteria the day Jason Jenkins got on my case and just wanted to ask me about what happened. He's probably on the school newspaper staff."
Phil leaned across the aisle and was now practically talking into my ear.
"Alex, he was like totally checking you out in the hallway." I felt my face turning red because he seemed almost excited for me.
Talk about me being confused. Yesterday he sent me that email telling me a person has to make choices that don't include guys having a boyfriend, and now he's sounding, and looking I might add, like it's perfectly normal for some guy to hit on another guy. What's with that?
"You jealous or something?" I ripped off, not knowing what else to say.
"Are you crazy?" he asked beating a hasty retreat to his own seat.
I realized, too late, that maybe he was just testing me or something, and that I may have just outed myself. Then again, if what that guy said was true, why was Phil so aware of what the guy was actually doing out there?
Phil was saved by the bell. We had one class and lunch together, but neither of us brought up this morning's discussion.
By the time classes had ended for the day, and after Phil hadn't said a word to me about what had happened that morning, I decided maybe it was safe to go skateboarding with him after school.
We had lots of laughs at the park that afternoon before we headed to his house for supper. The "move" he wanted to show me was called the Indy Grab, and was one that Daryl had pretty much perfected. Phil tried again and again but never once landed it. He did however manage to somehow drive his kneepad into his eye as he fell once, and the result was the beginning of a pretty nice shiner.
Reaching Phil's house, we walked into the kitchen.
"Hi boys, wash up for... Phillip, what on earth happened to you?"
Phil lightly poked my ribs with his elbow to get my attention.
"Alex got mad at me because I'm a better skateboarder than he is, and decked me."
It was pretty obvious that she wasn't buying his story, so he continued "...or... maybe it was when I fell at the top of the pipe. It's all kind of foggy" he said in a dramatic voice.
She knew he was okay by the smile that we both had on our faces.
"I wish you boys would find something safer to spend your time doing. ...although it does help me to remember to pray for the both of you more often than I might if I knew you were doing something less dangerous."
I just didn't know what to think of the Johnson family. They were all definitely religious, but they never seemed to make a big deal out of it. It was like it was just some normal part of life. One moment they were talking about doing the right thing or praying about something, and the next moment they would be laughing about something totally absurd. It sure kept me off balance, but it was kind of neat how they all did stuff together, and even invited me to be part of it as if I was a member of the family too.
Phil caught me yet again looking his way while we were studying. He kind of jokingly harrumphed, smiled and asked about Daryl.
"You still think about your brother a lot don't you?"
I grimaced and responded. "Yeah," I admitted. "Sometimes when I'm lying in bed it's almost like I can talk to him. We were pretty tight."
He asked me a lot of questions about what he was like, and what we did together. I wiped tears from my eyes several times, but kept talking. I had no idea why he was interested, and no idea why I wanted to tell him everything about him.
"He was the coolest kid I ever knew, Phil. Even if he had a date and he saw me sitting there with nothing to do, he'd try to get me to think about something good before he left. One time he even made me to come along with him on his date. They were going to a movie that I wanted to see and he told me he wasn't really interested in her so it wouldn't be bad if I went along. I think she just about told him to get lost when she got to the car and saw me sitting in the back seat. He was the nicest guy you could imagine."
I saw Phil wipe a tear from his eye and wondered why he was so wrapped up in what I was saying.
We talked until after eleven even though Phil's mom kept walking past the door and pointing to her wristwatch. Once I saw him make a face at her like "get lost, we're talking about something important."
I started wishing Phil could just hold me in his arms as we talked. He seemed so strong. I needed someone strong to hold me. I never got that at home. If only...
"Dude it's getting really late. Do you mind if I pray for you before you leave? I think my mom's about to blow a gasket."
I wanted to be nice, but at the same time I wanted to tell him no. I just wasn't into religion. I'm not really convinced that there's even anyone out there listening to people when they think they're talking to God. I mean if he was, then why did stuff like my brother Daryl dying even happen?
I guess I didn't explain my way of thinking quickly enough because before I opened my mouth, he had already begun.
"Father, God," he started, "Thank you for bringing Alex into my life. I pray that you keep us safe when we do that stupid stuff we try to do when we're skateboarding. I also ask, Father God, that you help Alex to feel loved and acceptance since Daryl isn't there for him anymore. Also, Father God, help us to choose to do the things that honor you and steer our thoughts back to the right path when we mess up and start to think about things we shouldn't. Bless Alex's family and help them to know that you love them even if they can't understand why his brother died. I ask these things in your name. Amen."