Cares
I was climbing up a dark staircase. At its top was a large wooden door. It seemed the door moved further up as I traveled towards it, but somehow, in the end, I managed to reach it. I tried to open it, but it wouldn't budge.
Just then, a small slit in the door opened, and a tray of food was slid to me through it. But I didn't want the food. I wanted out. I knocked again, harder, but there was no answer. I started to panic and frantically pounded my fists at the door.
"Be quiet, sweetie, mommy is watching her stories." Her voice... it sent chills through my body. I rammed myself harder against the door, using my whole body this time. And at last, it broke.
I was now standing in the large field, and it was night. The sky had so many stars decorating its smooth silky surface. I started hearing sounds of laughter and spun around to look at my surroundings. That's when I saw him. John. He was running on the grass with someone. With...me!
They were running and jumping without a care in the world. I cautiously stepped a bit closer, unsure of how to understand this situation. They seemed to be oblivious of me, never once looking in my direction. I stepped closer... and closer.
Finally I was close enough for them to hear me and all I could do was utter "Hey..."
John turned around to face me. His eyes suddenly filled up with terror, and he started screaming! That same, horrible scream I will carry with me for the rest of my life. My "other self" was no where to be found, and John started a mad dash away from me. "No!" I thought to myself. I'm not gonna let him run away from me without giving me a chance to explain! Not again!
I started chasing him, using my hyper dexterity to easily maneuver through the grassy field. He was still screaming, his hands covering his eyes as he ran for his life. But I was faster. I would catch him, and make him listen! He would understand... once I explained everything... He's my friend!
I finally caught up to him and managed to put a hand on his shoulder, but he brushed it off, terrified. I ran closer to him and placed both my hands around his chest to stop him. He started screaming and flailing his body wildly.
"John! Listen to me! I'm not going to hurt you!" He tried to break free, but I wouldn't let him... I just couldn't...
And then it happened.
Sickening sounds of bones breaking filled the air around us as gushes of blood shot all over. I stared in horror as he literally broke into a million pieces, his shattered body falling all over the ground. I was frozen in fear, unable to comprehend what I had done. Tears started pouring out of my eyes and I fell onto the ground. This time it was I who was screaming. I hurt him... my only friend in the entire world. I... I... killed him!
Just then I noticed his eyes opening wide. His head was still in one piece, and he was staring directly at me. Then, he opened his mouth. "Faggot!"
I woke up with a jolt as the driver announced we were arriving at a town called Vail. It was 4:30 in the afternoon. The sun had already started its journey towards the horizon. I noticed it then. That feeling. Touch. Someone was touching me! I turned my head to the right to where Christian was sitting and what I saw took my breath away. He was sleeping. And his head was resting against... my shoulder! His beautiful hair was softly brushing my neck as he breathed. I felt my heart racing so fast, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I tried to keep cool, but my body started to shake involuntary.
He opened his eyes. Shit! He's going to think I had something to do with it! He's going to call me a faggot and hate me and... He slowly opened his eyes and lifted his head to gaze upon me.
"Sorry... I must have fallen asleep." I felt a large lump in my throat and simply couldn't speak. I was paralyzed. "Are you okay?" he asked with a sleepy voice.
"Yeah... I'm just... not used to people tou... touching me," I stuttered through every word, and I'm sure the embarrassment in my eyes was clear for the whole world to see.
He looked at me with sad eyes, and although I could stare into his eyes for an eternity, it struck me that moment the reason he was following me. It was the worst reason of all. He wasn't here because of gratitude. I'm pretty sure he's not here to spy on me. No. He's here because of one thing. PITY! He feels so sorry for me that he decided to spare some time from his perfect life to help the down trodden! I'm nothing more than a small puppy left out alone in the streets without food as far as he's concerned. I can't believe I actually let myself believe someone could actually care about someone like me.
I felt angry and got up from my seat to stretch my legs outside. We only had a five-minute layover. He followed me out and lit a cigarette.
"If you're gonna smoke please do it somewhere else. I can't stand it!" I snapped at him. I was so angry.
He looked at me a bit confused for a second or two and than simply said "Ok". I thought I heard a slight hurt tone in his voice. But who cares. Fuck him! He went away from me to finish his cigarette, and I just stared at my surroundings. I hadn't been out of Denver in 3 years. It was a refreshing change. We got back on the bus and went back to our seats.
"You don't have to be here! I don't need your help!" I saw him trying to swallow a lump of his own when I said that.
"Why are you being such a jerk?" he said in a voice just above a whisper. He really sounded hurt this time, and I started to wonder if I had let my anger get the best of me. I didn't answer for a few seconds. His head was bowed down, and his eyes were staring at the floor.
"That's why you're here, right? Because you've decided that I'm a pathetic little soul in need of your brave heroics." He looked up at me then, and a single tear fell from his right eye.
"I don't... know why I'm here." He started crying. Not loudly, just quiet sobs he couldn't keep inside. My heart had no way to process this. Have I caused him pain?
"I just... need to go with you. Okay? Don't ask me why," he said in a shaky voice, and then did something I never thought he'd do. He reached out his left hand and held my right palm in his. He was so warm. His skin felt like heaven against mine. The touch of another human being - it's so wonderful! So magical! He strengthened his hold on my hand and leaned his head against his seat.
"What the fuck is going on?" I asked no one in particular, tears now starting to drop on my cheeks as well.
"I don't know. But I can't be away from you right now. Don't ask me why. Just please don't leave me behind." He needed...me?! Someone actually needed me to be around?! This didn't make any sense. He doesn't want me to leave, he wants my company. This was way too much for me to handle.
"Nobody ever said anything like that to me in my entire life, and you don't even know me. Why do you want me near you? Why aren't you afraid of me?" My voice was shaking at this point, and every word took a Herculean effort to utter.
"Why should I be scared of the man who saved my life?" Those were the last words we spoke then. None of us had any idea what was going on, and talking became an almost impossible task. We just sat there, holding hands. People were staring at us as they walked back to their seats, obviously thinking we were just another two faggots that didn't belong in their world.
Thoughts came swarming through my head then. Does he feel the same way I do about... other guys? Why is he holding my hand? Why is he even here? What am I going to do? What's going to become of my life?
But all of those thoughts simply melted away as I felt the warmth of his hand in mine. It was so right, so pure. I never felt better in my entire life. I simply closed my eyes and let myself concentrate on his heavenly touch. Please don't take your hand away... please. That was all I could think of.
-0-0-0-0-0-
It was 5:45 pm when we arrived at Glenwood Springs. Neither of us said a word on the way over, probably because we were too scared. When we arrived, Christian went out to smoke another cigarette, and I followed. He walked away from me to the other end of the dock, remembering my distaste for smoke. I leaned up against a wall to my right, and just... stared.
This beautiful guy, a guy who could probably be wherever he wanted right now with whomever he wanted... and he was here, with me. But why? What have I possibly got to offer him? Nobody can love a freak like me. He saw what I can do. He should be afraid. He should run away from me screaming. He should hate me. He should mock me.
But he didn't. He was just...here. But my heart wouldn't let me feel good. It told me to wait for the other shoe to drop. It always drops eventually. And when it does, this is all going to turn out to be just one of god's cruel jokes. Something that will make me feel even more horrible than I did before, if that was possible.
As I gazed at him, I started to notice slight shakes in his body. He would occasionally rub his eyes a bit or put his hand up to cover his face. He finished his cigarette and came back to the bus, stopping near the entrance to wait for me, his eyes staring at the ground. He seemed to be just as scared as I was.
I got back on the bus with him and we went back to our seats. The second I sat back down, I noticed something was missing - his touch.
I had lost his touch! He was no longer holding my hand. Should I move my hand to hold his? No... no... it's too dangerous. He might not like that. He might be offended and start calling me names and then he will... leave me...
But as I thought about my next course of action, Christian slowly raised his hand, shaking, his eyes closed, and slowly put it down over mine, again blessing me with his magnificent touch. He didn't look at me, and I held his hand for dear life, afraid he would disappear if I let go.
"Nobody ever tou..." I swallowed a big lump in my throat. "touched me like that."
"How?" he asked with a voice, shaking more audibly this time.
"I don't know... with..." I closed my eyes. Part of me wanted to shut him out...to shut this whole thing out. "You care." That was all I said. And when I said it, I finally realized I actually believed it. His pulse was racing and little beads of sweat started to appear on his forehead.
"I..." He was struggling for words, not sure of what to say. "I feel..." He was tightening his hold on my hand, up to the point where I'm sure it would have hurt if I wasn't... well... me. "I care" He finally uttered, two tears dropping from his eyes. I could tell it was very difficult for him to speak at the moment, so I didn't say anything more after that. I just sat there, holding his hand, enveloping myself in his incredible warmth.
"Please don't leave me." No, it wasn't me who said that. It was him.
-0-0-0-0-0-
I woke up again at 6:45, not even realizing I had fallen asleep. Christian's head was once again on my shoulder, and his cheeks were a little red from tears. Had he been crying? He was still holding my hand. Even in his sleep, he didn't let go. Why did he tell me not to leave him? What could he possibly see in a freak like me who spent most of his life locked up? He was so calm in his sleep. His angelic face resting peacefully. I hoped my shoulder was comfortable... I wanted him to be comfortable; I wanted him to... like me.
He squirmed a little against me, and he brought his right hand and put it on top of mine, now holding my hand with both of his. My thoughts were going into overdrive. Oh god... he's so warm... He's so perfect. Please don't let this end. I'll do anything just please don't take his sweet warm touch from me.
I turned my head and buried my nose in his beautiful blond hair. He smelled so good. This is what heaven must smell like. His whole body emitted the sweetest odor. Every breath was paradise.
I have a beautiful man pressed up against me. How did this happen? Things like this don't happen to me. Not to me! I kept expecting to wake up. Wake up back in my lonely apartment, spending another day just staring at the ceiling above me.
I slowly lifted my left hand, my mouth so dry I could hardly swallow, and gently stroked his smooth hair. Not touching him just... just his hair. It was so soft. I leaned my head on top of his, and at that moment, I completely surrendered myself to him.
Maybe I was a fool. Maybe I was setting myself up for the fall of my life. But I couldn't resist him. Not him. There was something about him. He was so... pure. Inside, I mean. I don't know what made me think that. But I just knew. His soul - it was so bright. And as I sat there with him, my head on top of his, for the first time in my life, I felt normal.
-0-0-0-0-0-
We arrived at Grand Junction at 7:30 pm. We had a 45-minute layover this time, so Christian suggested we get ourselves something to eat. When we got out of the bus, he suddenly stopped.
"Oh... you... do eat, right?" His head was bowed low, and he was too embarrassed to even look at me. I'm the freak, and he's embarrassed.
"Yea... I eat," I said, and tried to force a small grin out to hide how self conscious I felt.
"Good... that's... that's good. Eating is good." He was so nervous. If things were different, I might have even found that cute, but I was way too nervous myself. We walked quietly to a small deli to order us some sandwiches. I took grilled cheese, he took roast beef.
We sat at a small round metal table, quietly eating our meal, each one of us afraid to look the other one in the eyes. I was terrified. I have never felt like this before. Nobody ever cared about me like this before. I was so afraid I was going to screw it up. Say the wrong thing, make the wrong gesture. And then he'll leave, and I'll be alone again.
"Who are you?" The silence was broken. His gaze was still downward, and his voice was cracking with every word.
"I don't know," I said quietly.
"You don't know who you are?" He asked surprisingly.
"I know my name is Adam, I know who my mom is. That's about it." The sadness could clearly be heard through my voice, and I think he noticed, because he quieted down for a minute.
"So you're..." I think he was trying to find the right words, trying to ask his questions without intruding or making me feel uncomfortable. Nobody ever cared enough about me to do that before. Everybody just told me everything that was on their mind, hurtful or not, especially Mr. Cohen. "...human?"
I lifted my head to look at him, a little hurt by his question. I was about to answer, when doubts entered my mind. Am I? I lowered my head again, unable to look at him further and simply answered with a sad voice – "I don't know."
He was going to leave now for sure. Why would he want to stay with someone who wasn't even human? A single tear left my left eye then, as I prepared myself for the ultimate blow. I knew this would happen, I knew...
But before I got too deep into my own agony, he did something I never expected him to do at that moment. He didn't get up. He didn't leave. He didn't scream. He didn't run. What he did do, was push his chair from across the table all the way around...to sit next to me. He didn't say anything. He didn't have to. His action spoke for itself. He wasn't going anywhere. I tilted my head upwards to look at him, and a sad sort of smile appeared on my face. He put his hand on my shoulder and added a small smile of his own as we finished our sandwiches. We spoke no more after that.
We got back on the bus at 8:10 pm, returning to our usual seats. This time, Christian went for my hand immediately, holding it with a tight grasp, as if reassuring me he wasn't going to leave. I pressed back, trying to reassure him of the same, but I felt his body jump a little. Oh no! I hurt him!
"Oh my god, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I..." I was on the verge of hysterics, but he was quick to calm me down.
"It's ok! It's ok!" he said quickly. "I'm fine..." he said with a kind of sad tone, I think more for me than for him.
I leaned back on my seat. "Maybe... maybe it is best I don't touch you."
He didn't answer. He simply took my hand in his again, completely ignoring me, and held it strong, showing me that he was not afraid. Not of me. "I trust you."
And then we left Colorado behind. I wondered if I'd ever go back. We had a two and a half hour ride before our next stop in Green River, Utah, but I wasn't the least bit tired. For the first time in my life, I didn't want to escape into the world of dreams. I was perfectly content staying awake, feeling Christian's warmth surging through my body.
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