I did fall asleep eventually. When I woke up, Christian's arm was wrapped around mine, our fingers intertwined.
It came as a small sob first. But after a few seconds I could not control it anymore. My mind and body could no longer take this amount of affection, and I burst into tears. I tried to keep it down, tried to bury my head in the window, but the stares from other passengers nearby proved that my attempts were futile.
Christian opened his eyes and looked at me with genuine concern.
"What? What's wrong?" He was truly scared. I held his hand tighter and buried my face in my free arm.
"Nothing... I'm just... it's nothing." He leaned closer to me and whispered in my ear.
"Talk to me, Adam. What's wrong?" The tears stopped as I managed to calm myself again.
"This is just too much too fast. I never... Nobody ever..." He didn't push. Instead, he put his free hand on my head and guided it to his shoulder. I buried myself in his neck, taking the deepest breaths of his sweet scent as my lungs would allow. I didn't care everybody was staring at us. I don't think he did either.
I bit my lower lip in an attempt to stop the tears from starting all over again, and just let myself relax on his shoulder. Don't forget about the other shoe... don't forget about...
-0-0-0-0-0-
We arrived at Green River, Utah at 09:50 p.m. We had a 20-minute layover, so we began walking around the station to pass the time. We hadn't said much to each other on the bus after my small breakdown. So many questions were swirling thorough my head that it made me dizzy.
"I can't understand why you're here." I told him suddenly. He turned his head to look at me for a moment and then diverted his eyes to the ground.
"Have you ever felt like you just needed to be somewhere? That you simply had to be with someone, even if you can't really understand why?" I thought about it for a moment.
"No... can't say I have. I really wasn't the master of my own destiny most of my life."
"And you are now?" "I used to think so. But recent events have convinced me otherwise." He took me by the arm and led to me to a secluded bench outside of the station. We sat down, avoiding each other's eyes.
"I think we should really start talking..." he said with a hesitant voice.
"What do you want to know?" I asked quietly, afraid of the questions to come. After all, after hearing my life's entire story, he would surely leave me. Nobody would want to be with me after learning about my past.
"Why was that dude trying to kill you?" he asked.
"Why was the other dude trying to kill you?" I asked back.
"Fair enough." He hesitated for a moment.
"I... I stole something from him." Stole? It was hard for me to believe that the angel sitting next to me could do any harm.
"What did you steal?"
"Half a million dollars." My mouth opened in amazement, and I wasn't sure what to say next.
"Half a mil... What?!"
"I still have the money with me. It's in my bag."
"You're walking around with half a million dollars?!"
"Well... minus the bus fair and the sandwich." "He smiled a little at that.
"Why did you steal his money?"
"Because he wouldn't give me something I wanted... it doesn't really matter. Your turn."
"I don't know..." He stared at me, as if not sure if to believe me. "You're not sure why someone wants you dead?"
"Someone told me that it was because I was too... valuable." That last word got stuck in my throat and it took a few seconds to get it out.
"Valuable? To whom?"
I took a few deep breaths, and put my hands on my face. "I wish I knew..." He took one of my hands and held it in his.
"I'm here, Adam. It's ok. I'm not going anywhere."
"Someone told me I was valuable to a group my father works for or something... I don't know anything else. I've never met my dad. I was about to one day... but I fucked it up."
"How?" He brought his other hand and cupped mine with both of his.
"I let someone find out about me... about who I am."
"And what exactly is that?" He was speaking very quietly.
"A freak..." Then the tears started to flow again, but I managed to keep my sobs to a minimum this time. He wrapped his hand around my neck and brought me closer to him.
"You're not a freak!" He whispered in my ear. "You're the guy that saved my life! You're the guy that risked your safety to save me... a complete stranger! The world should count itself lucky to have a "freak" like you!" I buried myself in him, finding so much solace in his body.
"How can you stand to be near something like me?" I was choking with tears, and stuttering badly.
"Would you stop it?! I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be!"
"But why? Why are you with me, Christian?"
"Because I can't stand the thought of being away from you!" He got up, embarrassed by what he had said. He probably never meant to let that out. I was stunned and completely paralyzed. I couldn't get up. All I could do was try to will him with my eyes not to go too far away. He stopped about five feet away and just stood there.
"Do you really mean that?" I finally managed to say. He turned around to face me.
"Yes." His eyes were once again focused on the ground. It was as if my body suddenly got a life of its own, and I rushed towards him, wrapping him in my arms and hugging him tight.
"That was the most beautiful thing anyone has ever told me in my entire life!" I think he was a bit taken back by my outburst, but soon he had his arms around me as well.
"I wish I could make sense of what's going on, Adam, but I can't. All I know is how I feel." I just couldn't let him go. But we heard the announcer then, calling everybody back to the bus. I reluctantly let go of him, and we both stared into each other's eyes. God He had beautiful eyes.
"You're going to have to show me what other things you can do besides pushing a large muscled man 40 feet away into a speeding car." He smiled, and his perfect teeth were hypnotizing. I smiled back, feeling truly comfortable for the first time in my life.
"I'll tell you anything you want to know... I promise. Anything." And with that, we went back to the bus and took our sits, holding each other's hands and just quietly enjoying each other's company.
"What's your favorite color?" The question brought me back from my quiet contemplation. My favorite color? No one has ever asked me that before. I wasn't even sure I had an answer to give. But thinking about it for a few seconds made me realize I indeed had an answer to the surprising question.
"All shades of blue... like the sky."
"Wow... good answer." He smiled a little.
"I wasn't allowed to see it for a lot of time... the sky I mean."
"What do you mean?"
I suddenly became overly self conscious, wondering who around us could be eavesdropping on our conversation. I leaned back against him and whispered closely to his ear, trying to remain calm through all of the awful memories that were rushing back to me. But I said no more secrets. I needed to trust him. I needed to talk to someone. I needed to talk to him.
"My mom... she ah..." The words refused to come out of my mouth. As if saying them would make it true and not just a distant memory of a nightmare I once had. "She kept me... she kept my locked up in our basement." I immediately felt his hand grip mine even stronger as the reality of what I had just said sank in He lowered his voice to just above a whisper.
"What?! Why?" I could hear true sadness in his voice.
"I guess she was afraid I'd do something. She kept me there for years, bringing me my food through a small slit in the door. I had to go in a... a bucket." I bit my lower lip so hard it hurt. I had to keep the tears in. I had to. Christian had apparently failed that attempt as I saw two tears drop from both his eyes. He quickly wiped them away with his free right hand.
"I'm so..." He tried to say he was sorry, but I guess he figured the words sounded too trivial in response to what I had just told him. Instead, he buried his head in my shoulder and pressed my hand even tighter. We didn't say anything after that.
-0-0-0-0-0-
It was midnight and we had both fallen asleep. I didn't dream for the first time in ages. It was so liberating. To truly... sleep. When I woke up, Christian still had his head on my shoulder, and mine was atop his. I didn't want to move from that position. It was too perfect.
I felt a small rumble in my stomach. I was hungry. We wouldn't reach Parowan until about 1:30, and I didn't even know if any store would be open. With all of the money he had, we could have taken a plane first class to L.A. Too bad. I missed flying. It was so relaxing to me. Just being suspended high above the clouds, where everything was so peaceful.
I loved it when he stirred. Every movement of his body next to mine was so erotic. I found myself wishing it was summer so we didn't need to wear so many clothes. I could feel his warm breath on my neck, and it was like I could feel his very essence, his life. I can't explain it.
I felt a poke to the back of my head. I turned around to see a little girl, maybe 5 years old, standing on her seat behind me. An older woman, who I assumed to be her mother, was sleeping peacefully next to her. I smiled a bit when I looked at her innocent face.
"Why are you hugging another boy?" she whispered in my ear with a small giggle. I was at a loss for words... I can't explain this situation to myself, let alone a 5 year old.
"Hmm... because... I feel good when he's near me." Was that a good answer? Wait, could she take a dirty meaning from it? No! I don't want to be thought of as the creepy guy that tells sex stories to little girls! But I guess I was just being paranoid.
"Why?" she asked, confused.
"Well... because... I like him."
"My brother likes his friends, but he doesn't hug them." She had a cute little frown on her face.
"Well... every person expresses his affection for someone in a different way..."
"Why do you like him so much?"
"Because... he ah... he..." I didn't know what to say.
"Well?" she insisted.
"He makes me feel good..." I said shyly, a little embarrassed.
"Why?" Like I couldn't see that one coming.
"Because he cares for me... I'm important to him and he cares about how I feel," I said in a low voice.
"Like my mommy and daddy care about me?"
"Yea... kinda like that. He's a really good person and he has a big heart."
"Okay!" She was happy the matter was resolved, and she went back to her seat. I felt Christian's hand hold me tight then, and his eyes opened. "And that was the most beautiful thing anybody has ever said to me!" He said quietly. I smiled at him and put my head atop of his, where it belonged. I was so happy.
We arrived at Parowan at 1:30 as scheduled. I was really hungry and prayed we would find some place that was open this time of night. Christian went a bit far from me to have a cigarette while I searched for a place to eat. I found a small all night drug store and bought us some snacks. Christian was waiting for me outside when I returned.
"Food!" I guess he was hungry, too. I gave him a chocolate bar which he devoured happily. "God, I was hungry!"
"Me too" I replied. We had a 15-minutes layover, so we found a quiet place inside to sit down.
"It really meant a lot to me what you told that girl back on the bus." He said suddenly.
"I meant it..." I said quietly, pretty embarrassed that he heard me.
"God! What is it about you that drives me insane," he said as he buried his head in my neck.
"Are you gay?" No! I did not just ask that! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! He immediately took his head away from my neck. That's it. I did it. Good work, Adam. You finally had something going for you, and you had to ruin it. He cared for you, and now you freaked him out. He's probably thinking how he can ditch this faggot right now!
"I've never been with another man. And I don't think I can be." My heart hurt. My whole body hurt. Why did I have to ruin everything?!
"Ok... just... just thought I'd ask."
"Are you? Gay, I mean."
I nodded my head slightly, completely ashamed.
"That's... that's cool, man. I don't have a problem with that." I forced a small smile to my face to try and convince him I was ok, and we didn't speak more after that. He did not hold my hand when we got back on the bus. I went to sleep immediately after that. Staying awake was just too painful. I missed his touch so much. How can I have ruined everything? How could I have messed up the best thing that has ever happened to me?
-0-0-0-0-0-
I awoke at 4:30 when the driver announced we had arrived at Las Vegas, a 90-minute layover. Maybe Christian will use that time to get away. And maybe that was best. It was becoming too hard to be around him now that he would not even look me in the eyes. We split up when we got off the bus with him whispering we'd meet back at the bus after the layover in a tone so soft I probably wouldn't have heard it if it wasn't for my acute hearing.
I aimlessly walked the streets next to the station, trying to let the beautiful lights of this city swallow me whole. I just wanted to disappear. Vanish without a trace.
I suddenly got the strangest feeling that I was being watched. I turned my head to see if someone was following me, but all I saw were happy tourists. I turned back and continued walking, a little faster this time. The feeling never left me, and I decided to simply go back to the bus station and wait the rest of my layover there. I had no expectations for Christian to return. He wasn't coming back.
I turned around to walk back when I first saw him. A brown haired man, I'd say about 23. He had one of the most beautiful faces I've seen in my time, and he was staring right at me!
"Hello, Adam," he said with a grin I found very unsettling, like he knew all about me and was enjoying it.
"Who are you? How do you know my name?"
"They told me your name. When you decided to play `road trip'." I was beyond confused. Who was he? Was he with Miss G or with Eva? Or was he one of the people who were trying to kill me?
"Who sent you?" My voice was a little shaky, but I tried to cover it up.
"People who want you to come with me, Adam. Your father is one of them." My father? The word sounded very tempting, but Eva's warnings echoed in my head.
"I don't think I want to go anywhere with you. Thanks for the offer." I turned to walk away to the other side, trying to put as much distance between us as possible.
"That's not a very smart move, Adam." I stopped. I knew I should keep going, but curiosity got the best of me. I turned around to face him again.
"What do you mean?"
"You can't handle this world on your own, Adam." He came closer and put a hand on my shoulder. His touch was warm and comforting, but I didn't let myself get too comfortable. I still wasn't sure he had my best interests at heart.
"We can't talk here," he said. "Let's find a quieter place." With that, he led me to a small alley behind one of the large hotels. There were garbage cans all around us.
"What do you want from me?"
"I want to help you, Adam," he said in a low, soothing tone. "I want to help you understand your place in the world." His voice was hypnotizing me, I could feel it. It was like my brain was split in two. One part kept thinking rationally, while the other could only hear this man's voice. The latter was the one who seemed to gain control. He slowly brushed his hand through my hair.
"Your hair is very smooth, ya know?" He leaned in to smell it, and I felt my whole body jump at the touch of his warm breath. "Come with me, Adam. Stop this foolishness. Your place is by your father's side." My body lost all of its power, and I collapsed into his waiting hands. "That's it... just relax. I'll take care of you from now on."
"What... What have you done to me?" I managed to say in a weak voice.
"Just a precaution... to make sure you don't give me too much trouble." He kissed the top of my head, and I could feel more of my strength slipping away from me.
"No... leave me alone..."
"Shh... Don't try to speak. Soon you will forget about the outside world. Your only purpose in life will be to serve the temple. And you will find true happiness." No! My mind was screaming, but I couldn't move my limbs. I tried breaking free of his touch, but I could not force my body to comply with my demands!
Finally, I realized I could still move my head, and did the only thing I could think of. I bit that s.o.b. with all the force I could muster, and then I heard him scream. That scream, I liked. He let me go and I fell to his feet, as he clutched his neck to stop the blood flow where I had bitten him.
"You son of a bitch!" He screamed at me, lunging forward to once again grab me. But being free from his grip had helped me regain some of my strength, and I managed to get back up on my feet. He tried to reach me with his hands, to put me back in the trance so he could whisk me away to whatever nightmare he was trying to get me to. But I didn't let him. My hand connected with his face before I even realized what I was doing.
The sight that was before me then will be burnt into my mind for the rest of my life. I watched in sheer horror as his head disconnected from his body. I decapitated him. The next scream I heard was none other than my own. I don't think I ever screamed louder in my entire life, or heard anyone else do so for that matter.
I had just killed someone! I took a human life! It didn't cross my mind then that the guy who had pointed his gun at Christian was also probably dead. I put my hands over my eyes and fell to the ground, screaming into the night, begging whoever was in charge to just take me away. I screamed so loud I'm surprised no one came to check out the source of the commotion. I started crying hysterically, tears running non stop down both of my cheeks.
I'm a murderer! I'm a murderer! That was all I could think about. This guy had a life; he had a family and friends, maybe even a girlfriend or a wife. And I took it all away! I had robbed him of his existence!
I didn't know what to expect when I felt a hand on my shoulder. How would I explain this? But when I opened my eyes, I once again gazed upon Christian's beautiful face. I stopped crying and was now in total shock. I couldn't move or speak. All I could do was stare at him blankly. He was scared, and a rogue tear left his left eye.
"What happened, Adam?" His voice was weak and full of fear. I couldn't speak. All I could do was plead with him with my eyes to please not leave me. Not leave me alone in all of this horror.
"He tried to take me away," I suddenly heard myself say. "He did something to me and tried to kidnap me." I started crying. "I couldn't move!" The hysteria came back, and the gush of tears came back with it. Christian held me closer in his arms.
"It's ok, baby, it's ok . He can't hurt you anymore."
"I killed him, Chris! I fucking killed a human being!" I cried into his shoulder, unable to control myself. There was no taking this back. He was dead. Period! I took his life away!
"It was self defense, Adam. He tried to hurt you. You did what you had to do to defend yourself." He was talking fast, I think, trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me. But I wouldn't stop crying.
"Please don't leave, Christian, please don't leave me!" He took my face in his hands and looked me in the eyes.
"Look at me, Adam! I'm not going anywhere. I promise! I'll never leave you. I swear!" His crying had intensified as well, and we were both a mess.
I would never forget what followed. All of the things I had experienced in life had led me to believe such happiness could not possibly exist. For a moment I thought I must have died, because my life is not capable of containing this amount of joy. He had done what I never thought I would experience in my whole life. He broke me and then built me anew in a matter of seconds. He tore apart my whole idea of existence as I had thought it was.
He kissed me.
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