The Rabbit Hole

The Rabbit Hole Chapter 12: Submit to the Procedure By Trixie Adara Edited By ALewdEditor

Penny

Part of Penny's mind heard the click of the phone. The rest of her could only hear the silence.

"Hello?" she asked, but knew the answer.

Nothing. There was nothing. She called the number back. It was the same motel, but she didn't know Nadia's room number. She had resisted before, but now she could be there in minutes and make the staff tell her where Nadia was. She didn't need to be good anymore. Her Dolly was so close, just out of her fingertips.

And she loved her. Was that true? Penny wanted it be true. More than anything, she wanted someone to see her for who she really was. She wanted someone to see the monstrous parts of her but not call her a monster. Could Nadia be that person? Could she see the broken pieces of Penny and not just tolerate them, but want them?

No, said a voice of iron. No one wants the scraps of you.

Penny shivered. She threw off the covers of the bed and got up, pacing around the room with her hands over her ears.

"No," she whispered. She recognized the voice. She knew it. It was back. It never left her. She couldn't run. It would always find her.

You can't escape what's inside of you.

"Please."

She wants your power, but will she tolerate you to get it?

"Stop."

The Voice was right. Nadia wasn't interested in Penny. That couldn't be true. She wanted Penny to be a good girl. She was just like Penny's parents. She was just the facility. She was just like the Nurse. Everyone wanted to make Penny a good girl. No one wanted Penny as she was, today. They could only be near her if she behaved. If she couldn't behave, she had to go away. Penny was tired of being sent away.

She looked around at her room. It was another facility. This was just another test. The scenery changed but the function remained the same. Everything was designed to lure her in, to trap her, to test her, and then to fix her.

And what happens if Penny isn't a good girl?

Cruel memories drowned Penny's vision: the tub, the machine, the Nurse, the electricity, the strap-on, the straps, the look on her parents' faces as they left, her sister crying, the strap-on, the laughter, the smell of ammonia, the copper fear, the strap-on.

Penny covered her eyes with her hands and heard the Voice. She covered her ears with her hands and saw the memories. Around her was agony. Within her was tragedy.

Submit to the procedure.

The Nurse. The Voice was the Nurse and the demon of the cave and Nadia and Joanna and her parents and Harold and Nadia and Nadia and Nadia and Nadia. She wanted to fix her. If Penny behaved, she could have Nadia. But if Penny behaved, Nadia would never be Dolly, not a true Dolly. Penny needed her power to make Nadia happy, but Penny's power sent Nadia away. There was no way out. There was no solution. There was only isolation.

Isolation.

Penny opened her eyes. Her rooms were wrong. They were all wrong. She could see it now. It was another cage to hold her in. She didn't need a room. All rooms were hers. She could have any room she wanted in the world. This room was to keep her away from other people, to make her good. It kept people safe from her. But Penny didn't need to stay here anymore. She didn't need to play by their rules. She was too young to break out of her first prison, but nothing could keep her here now. She was too powerful to be caged.

Penny looked at the shelves on the wall. She looked at the pictures hanging up. She looked at the drawers filled with clothes. These were her trapping, designed to make her feel domestic and safe. But now they were no more convincing than the wallpaper of a doctor's office. It was all a ruse, and she needed to be free.

Penny screamed at the top of her lungs and charged. She tore down the books from their shelves. She flung the clothes across the room. She ripped and smashed. She toppled the furniture. She tore through her penthouse and demolished her life. She broke the mirrors last. All the mirrors.

Nadia

Joanna was in her uniform from work still. A huge stain of mustard and something else had ruined her top. Nadia wished her girlfriend looked shocked, but instead Joanna was something primal, something terrifying. She was ready to fight, but Nadia's eyes darted to the phone. She needed to call Penny back. Right now.

"I told you not to talk to her anymore."

"It doesn't hurt -"

"And you want to come back to her?"

Nadia took the comment as a slap. She fell silent.

"Is that what I heard?" asked Joanna. She stepped towards Nadia like a threat, but the redhead moved backwards. Joanna was taller than her and stronger. She didn't think Joanna would hurt her, but she'd never seen her this mad before.

"Listen, I can explain."

"Explain what? Explain why you were talking to her when I told you not to? When we both know how dangerous she is? How do you know she isn't tracing the call? How do you know she isn't on her way here right now? Oh, Jesus, she could be coming here right now."

Joanna's whole demeanor changed. She went from predator to prey in a flash. She peeled her top off and threw it across the room. She brushed past Nadia and began packing.

"We need to go."

"Go where?" asked Nadia.

"Somewhere else. She's on her way."

"You don't know that."

"I can't risk it." Joanna turned back to Nadia. She was terrified. "I can't go back to her."

Nadia's fear broke as she looked at her girlfriend. She was a child again, afraid of the monsters under her bed. Nadia could see her chest heaving. Was she having a panic attack? The reasons didn't matter. What mattered right now was the Joanna needed her help.

Nadia sank to her knees and wrapped her arms around Joanna. Joanna resisted at first but then melted into the embrace.

"It's okay," whispered Nadia. "It's okay."

"No, I can't ..." She was crying. "I can't go back to her. To that."

"I know. She won't take you back, I promise."

"How do you know?" Joanna pulled back and looked into Nadia's eyes. "How can you know?"

"If she wanted to trace the calls, there was nothing stopping her from ..." Nadia stopped and gulped.

"From all the other times you've called her," finished Joanna.

"Yeah."

"Jesus, how often?"

Nadia waited. This was it. She was playing with knives and now she got cut. She was always going to hurt either Joanna or Penny, but that wasn't her intent. She didn't want to hurt anyone.

"Every night," whispered Nadia.

"Shit." Joanna collapsed, pulling away from Nadia. "Shit."

"She's hurt," explained Nadia. She spoke quickly, all her ideas bubbling over. "And it isn't entirely her fault. I think I can help her. I can take care of her. I can -"

"She'll destroy you." Joanna looked up. There was sadness in her eyes, like a pity that Nadia could be so eager and so foolish all at once. "You know that. Don't you?"

Nadia hesitated. Part of her, the part that was always careful, did know that Penny would destroy her. But maybe only part of her. Maybe only the part that she wanted to throw away. Penny would destroy all the parts Nadia didn't want anymore. She would destroy the cautious, anxious, stressed, rule-following girl. The rest of Nadia would stay, and new parts would arrive. She would be herself, the parts she loved, and Dolly. She didn't need to be anything else.

"Jesus, you do know. You even want it," sighed Joanna. She turned from Nadia and continued packing, this time deliberate and slow.

Nadia watched her. She knew she should stop her. The good-girl Nadia didn't want to hurt Joanna. She didn't want Joanna to go. She didn't want to give up the routine of her life. She was finding a new normal with Joanna and the bar and the safeway house. She was finding a new life, and now that was all fading away. And for what?

For Penny? Was that worth it? At the end of this, would she see the ruins of her life and feel that Penny was worth every sacrifice?

Or maybe she wouldn't care at all. Dolly wouldn't see it as ruins. She wouldn't have an opinion on it at all unless Penny gave her an opinion.

"Where will you go?" asked Nadia.

Joanna said nothing for a long time. They had moved so many times in the past week that it was a thoughtless act. Surely, she wasn't concentrating on that. Her mind was somewhere else. Maybe behind a wall of pain. Maybe panicking to figure out what her life would look like tomorrow.

"I don't know," she finally admitted. "I'll tell Jasper what's going on, and maybe he'll let me crash on his couch for a few days until I figure things out." Jasper was their boss at the bar. Remarkably, he wasn't a scumbag. Joanna could trust him.

"Do you need help?" asked Nadia.

"Sure."

Silently they got to work. Nadia grabbed Joanna's things from the bathroom. There wasn't much to pack, but they worked slowly. Neither of them were in a hurry to say goodbye. It was too much to move all the time, to be afraid all the time, to not know what tomorrow would look like or where it would take place. On top of all of that, to remove the one constant comfort in this hell was too much.

"I should have lied," said Joanna as she gathered her things at the front of the room. "I shouldn't have told you where I'm going."

"Why ..." Nadia stopped herself. She knew why. Penny could get any information from her. "I don't think she wants you," she added.

"Maybe I know too much." Joanna shrugged. "Maybe I'm a loose end that needs tying up?"

"I promise you. She only wants me. This has all been because of me."

Joanna gave a gentle smile. "She took me first, hun. Besides, I think in the end this is all about Penny. We're just pawns."

"It's different with me."

"Is that what she told you?"

"You have to trust me," sighed Nadia.

"I did. Remember?" Joanna dropped her bags. "I trusted you to not call her. I trusted you to keep your distance. I trusted you to keep us safe. You betrayed me."

Nadia didn't say anything for a while. Part of her wished Joanna was angrier. She wished Joanna would just yell at her. If it was a fight, at least she could get angry in response. But this gentle resignation, this soft acceptance, was worse than any breakup she'd been through.

"I'm sorry," whispered Nadia.

"I'm sorry too," said Joanna. "I wish I could protect you instead of letting you go back to her, but I can't risk facing her again. Never again."

"You don't need to save me from her. She's what I want."

"That's what every girl in an abusive relationship says."

"She isn't abusive she -"

"What? Tells you what to do and think? Takes in those you love under her control or separates you from them? She moved you in closer. She made you quit your job. She micromanages every decision but she's not controlling?"

"What if that's what I want?"

"If you wanted to kill yourself, should I let you?"

Nadia clenched her fists. "Is that what you think I'm doing?"

Joanna shrugged. "In a way."

"It's my life. I can pursue what I want. I have that freedom, even if that freedom means giving freedom up."

"I'm not going to talk you out of it."

"You can't," said Nadia. "I'm sorry, but you can't."

Silence descended on them. There was no malice in Joanna's voice. No frustration. There was a gentle sadness as she looked at Nadia, as though Nadia was the saddest and dumbest girl in the world.

"She's not abusive," said Nadia, almost to herself more than Joanna.

Joanna stepped forward and put a hand on Nadia's shoulder. "She is. You don't see it yet, but she is. And I wish I could get you to see that. I wish I could pull you away and let you look at the situation objectively. She's a cancer, and I wish I could cut her out. But right now, you'd put it back in. You're too obsessed. But that's not the scary part. You want to know the scary part?"

Nadia met Joanna's eyes.

"The scary part," said Joanna. "Is that I can't tell if Nadia is obsessed or some part of Penny's control is in your mind, making you obsessed."

Nadia looked into Joanna's eyes, not breaking contact. She hadn't thought of that before, but she supposed it was true. She was certain that she was free of Penny's control, but what if some part of Penny remained. What if these phone calls were all part of some plan to bring Nadia back to her?

"Sometimes," said Joanna. "If you love someone, you don't let them get what they want. I know that sounds terrible, but sometimes love has to be stronger than desire."

Joanna bent down and kissed Nadia on the cheek, turned around, picked up her bags, and left.

Nadia stared at 1000 Union Ave. From here, she had no hope of spotting Penny's penthouse, but she tried anyways. She'd been here for an hour, trying to build up the courage to go inside. After Joanna left, she tried calling Penny back, but she didn't answer. Nadia couldn't blame her. She needed to find Penny and explain things to her. She needed to set this right. Otherwise, she could lose Penny and Joanna all in the same stupid move. She'd never forgive herself if she let both women slip out of her hands.

"Just do it," she told herself for the seventh time. "If she's not there, wait for her or go back to the motel. Come back tomorrow. Leave a note. Do something. Anything besides sitting here and moping."

She began to pace. "What's the worst that can happen? She takes you under her control and punishes you? That's what you want, right? Well, not exactly that, but something like that. I mean, being under her control, no matter the circumstances, is a success, right? No big deal."

Nadia bounced up and down on her feet, trying to hype herself into entering the building. "I mean, I guess she could use her powers to send you away forever. Then what? You could go back to the motel, go back to the bar, go back to the ladies at the safeway house. You could pick that life up, even if Joanna didn't want you there. Right? Right?"

Nadia took a deep breath and crossed the street. "Hey Gus," she said to the doorman, but when she tried to walk past him, he stepped in her way.

"Ma'am?' he asked. "Is someone expecting you?"

"Gus, it's me." Nadia sighed when Gus squinted closer to get a look at her then yelped when she realized she'd tried to disguise herself. At this point, she looked like an adorable goth girl: short black hair still in her bob haircut, fake septum piercing and lip piercing, makeup to look as pale as possible, heavy eyeshadow and eyeliner, black lipstick. This was her mask for the past three weeks, and though when she looked at herself she didn't think she looked that different, she could imagine it confusing Gus.

"It's me! Nadia." Gus squinted his eyes more, practically closing them. "Penny's girlfriend?" added Nadia as she pulled away her fake piercings. Penny and her had never used such intimate terms, but she imagined Gus didn't know the difference between girlfriend and loyal, mindless Dolly. Nor did she have the courage or patience to explain it.

"Miss MacQuarrie?"

"The one and only."

"Oh! I didn't recognize you will all the," Gus gestured to his entire face, "that."

"New look," said Nadia. "I'm heading up to see Penny."

"She's not here, ma'am," said Gus. "She left about an hour ago."

Nadia scrunched her face. She was worried that would happen. "Well, then I just need to leave her a note. Sound good?"

Nadia tried to step past Gus, but he blocked her way again. "Haven't seen you in a while," he said. "Did I hear correctly that you moved out?"

"Yeah ... about that." Nadia had thought of several flaws in her plans, but Gus, the overly nosey doorman, was not one of them. "We broke up, and I did move out, yeah, but I'm trying to patch things back up and talk to her."

"Sorry to hear that." Gus pointed to Nadia's hair. "Did you do that when you two broke up?"

"Uh ... yeah."

"My daughter did the same thing when her boyfriend broke up with her. Well, she went blonde, not goth."

"To each their own," added Nadia with a shrug. "Can I go up?"

"Sure thing, Miss MacQuarrie."

Gus stepped out of her way, and Nadia went into the apartment building. That was simpler than she thought it would be. I guess the truth can have that effect on people.

No one else bothered her on the way to Penny's penthouse. She got to the floor just fine, and paused in front of Penny's door. She prayed to some silent god and tried to turn the door handle. Mercifully it obeyed, and the door creaked as it swung open. Nadia took a deep breath and entered the apartment.

It was a disaster zone. Hurricane Penny had flipped everything that could be flipped. She snapped anything that could be snapped. She tossed and scattered whatever wasn't bolted down or heavy. Luckily, Penny didn't have that much furniture to begin with. The worst Nadia could see as she entered was the kitchen. It was a sea of shattered glass and porcelain.

Nadia walked through like a ghost haunting her own misdeeds. She couldn't escape the knowledge that she did this. While Penny was physically responsible, she was also possessed with the grief of Nadia. Nadia might as well have done it herself.

Nadia moved cautiously down the hallway towards Penny's office, bedroom, and The Rabbit Hole. She glanced into Penny's office. It was a graveyard of books and papers. She looked into Penny's bedroom and what must have been ground zero for her rage and tantrum. The bed was overturned. Clothing was everywhere. The mirrors were shattered. Even in the bathroom, the mirror was shattered with small rivulets of blood going from the point of impact to the sink.

"Oh God," whispered Nadia.

She was almost too scared to go into The Rabbit Hole, but she had to check. The Rabbit Hole was Penny's life work before she got her powers. It was the culmination of her skills as a hypnotist. It was originally used to permanently rewire a person's identity over months of exposure, as she originally planned to do to Joe. With the help of Penny's powers, it was quickly becoming obsolete. Maybe it was spared her wrath.

The smell of burning plastic hit Nadia first. She looked over the room, but there was a black cloud, almost a fog, hanging in the air. She started to cough before she got inside, and she turned around and closed the door. She needed to call the fire department, but somehow, she knew Penny would never consent to people going in there. There would be too many questions.

Nadia spent the next hour trying to clean up. She had no idea where to start, but she figured the wisest thing was to try and make the space safe and habitable first and foremost. She swept up the glass and tried to open windows to let out the smoke from The Rabbit Hole. She did it all in silence but, despite her best efforts, her mind raced with a thousand possibilities. They were the same unlikely scenarios over and over. She had no new information either. She knew Penny was gone. She knew Penny would be mad. She didn't know when Penny was coming back. It was the same story and yet, sitting amongst the ruins of Penny's home made it more bleak. She had no reason to hope less, but she did.

Her mind thought of a dozen terrible endings. Perhaps Penny took her own life. Perhaps she ran away and was never returning. Perhaps she was homicidal, looking to end Nadia if she couldn't have her. Each time she tried to calm herself with logic and reason. Each time she failed. That was the trapping of her mind. There was no cure for her imagination except for mindlessness. Her mind wandered to the darkest parts of reality, and Penny was her only escape.

Penny whom she had hurt. Penny whom she had chased away. Penny whom she had betrayed. Penny whom she abandoned. Penny who now abandoned her.

Nadia sat in the ruins of Penny's apartment. It was late, past midnight. If Penny wasn't back now, she probably wouldn't be back at all tonight. Maybe she'd be back tomorrow morning, or maybe she went on an impromptu trip. She'd done that before. Nadia needed to sleep, and there was no place to do that here anymore.

Nadia went back to her motel room. She didn't talk to Gus on her way out. She did her very best not to think at all. She needed to sleep, that's what she needed. She needed come back at this with a clearer head. Once Penny calmed down, things would be fine. When Nadia calmed down, she could look at this with positivity. Hell, maybe Joanna just needed to calm down. That was it. Everyone just needed a night's sleep and the chance to calm down.

Nadia was so focused on not thinking, that she didn't notice her motel room door was already opened partially. She didn't notice the lights were on. She especially didn't notice Penny walk out of the bathroom at the sound of Nadia entering the motel room.

"Hello, Dolly," she said.

Nadia's eyes widened as she looked up. Penny looked like a ghost of her former self. Her blonde hair was loose and wild. The bun or ponytail she normally wore it in was tangled with a nest of stray hairs. Her makeup was runny and smudged across her face. She was in black silk pajamas that were snug against her body, but there was one cut along her thigh that had gone through the silk and part of her flesh. The left sleeve was torn and peeling off the torso. Her right hand was wrapped in dry blood and dangled limply from Penny's side. She looked like she'd been kidnapped and jumped out of a moving car. She looked wild and feral.

Except for her eyes. Penny's makeup was in disarray, but her face held the same predatory look Nadia had come to know, fear, and love. It was the face Nadia had when she first saw Joe and the face when she discovered Dr. Tuminaro. It was the face she wore when she was about to destroy a bully, and it was the face she had for Nadia now. The face was rage.

"Penny, I -" started Nadia.

"Stop."

Nadia's body went rigid. The words of explanation and pleading and apology died on her tongue. She knew this was it. Penny could destroy her. She could do worse than make her a doll. She could carefully craft her agony like she did for Joe. Perhaps she'd make Nadia hopelessly devoted to some stranger, helplessly in love with him, just to break her heart. She could do that over and over. There was no end to the punishments she could create. Reality was clay to her.

"I'm so happy to see you," said Penny. She looked over Nadia's body, her face, her hair, and grimaced. "Though it's a shame what you've done to yourself." She stepped forward, limping a little as she approached, and stroked Nadia's hair. "No more running," she said. "No more games. You're mine."

Nadia wished she had control of her body. She wished she could hug and kiss Penny. She wished she could thank her. She wished she could smile. She wished she could fall to her knees and worship. She wished she could say how happy this made her. She wished she could apologize. She wished she could say she'd never do it again. She wished she could do anything to make it right.

Instead, she was rigid. She was a good doll, and maybe that was what Penny wanted more than anything. Maybe that was what would make Penny happy, and if that was the case, that's what made Nadia happy.

"Close the door," commanded Penny.

Nadia obeyed. She didn't want to cry out for help. She didn't want to run for her life. She didn't want to find Joanna. She didn't want any of that. She wanted to jump and down. She wanted to squeal. She wanted to dance for joy.

Instead, she obeyed.

"Take off your clothes."

Nadia obeyed. She stripped without seduction or joy. Her clothes came off effortlessly and efficiently. There was no doubt. There was no delight. There was only the motion, the mechanics of the action. There was only the commands and obedience to them.

"Become Dolly," commanded Penny.

The transformation was immediate. There was no hesitation. There was no pause. Nadia slipped out of her identity as easily as her clothes. All thoughts vanished. Even the thought of joyful anticipation at returning to her beloved Dolly escaped Nadia's mind. There was no mind of Nadia's for it to go to. There was only Dolly, and Dolly was blank. Dolly was whatever Penny wanted.

Penny wanted Dolly to do much. She ordered Dolly to take her to the shower and clean her body, washing each inch with care. She didn't trust Dolly with medical care, so the cut on her thigh and her cut hand were left alone. Dolly washed her hair with care. Dolly dried every inch with a dab of a towel. Dolly scrubbed, trimmed, and filed Penny's fingernails. Dolly dried her hair. Dolly lotioned her body. Dolly took care of everything, undoing all the damage Nadia did.

She didn't do it with love unless she was told to. She didn't do it with tenderness unless Penny was explicit. It wasn't loving without Penny's command. It was professional. It was reliable. It was consistent. It was immediate.

Dolly was very well behaved.

It was late, and Dolly's eyes were heavy and drooping. Twice she almost fell asleep as she waited for her next order. Penny tried commanding her to stay awake, but her body had been through much today. She needed rest, and so did Penny.

She ordered Dolly to hold her through the night. She ordered Dolly to talk about something, anything, but there was nothing in Dolly's mind to say. There were no memories and no imagination. Penny had to order Dolly to remember Nadia's day, and then order her to tell her all about Nadia's day.

"Nadia had a good day today," she said robotically. "She went to work at the bar. One of the men there was drunk and grabbed her ass. She didn't want to cause a fuss, so she didn't say anything. She didn't like it. She hates when the men there try to touch her, but most of them are drunk. She knows that if she tries to stop them, there will be retribution. They can get violent. Nadia could get fired. It's not safe to speak her mind."

On and on it went. Dolly gave the facts of the day and the most private thoughts of Nadia's life with the same inflection. Dolly held Penny and spoke without hesitation, regret, guilt, or shame. Penny quickly fell asleep, and without any other orders, Dolly continued to speak. She spoke about talking to Penny on the phone. She spoke about Ginger. She spoke about changing her mind, about accepting the consequences of loving Penny. She spoke about Joanna finding her and leaving. She spoke because she was ordered to, and no one listened. It was simultaneously heartless and intimate. She spoke of her deepest fears and concerns as though she spoke about the weather.

As she spoke, Nadia realized that nothing was forcing her anymore. She spoke, not because she was ordered to, but because it felt good. It felt good to say she loved Penny without hesitation. It felt good to say she feared Penny without concern of repercussions. It was a strange time for her as she held Penny. It was a time of no consequences. It was the closest she'd ever felt to Penny, and yet, Penny was gone to her, a closed window.

But Nadia couldn't enjoy the moment for long. Sleep came for her, and she willingly dove into her arms.

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