The Republic: Hegemony I Chapter 9
The Republic
K. J. Pedersen
Chapter Nine
Mattæus Kirkagárd
LINDI NORDKVIST AND I were in her bedroom upstairs, sprawled out on her bed, kissing, still fully dressed. Her parents weren’t home, so we made the best of it. Lindi was an excellent kisser.
“Oww,” I said when she reached up to touch my chin. My jaw was still sore from where I had crashed into Ælfric.
“Sorry,” Lindi replied and backed away. She looked at me for a moment and smiled. “The bruise is fading now ... a little.”
“I have bruises all over,” I said. “More of them were caused by Matthias-Paulus playing rough than by Ælfric stepping into my path.”
“Really?” she asked.
“Wanna see?” I said suggestively.
She seemed to blush.
I stood and tugged off my shirt. “See?” I rubbed my ribs. “Right here.”
“That’s not so bad.”
I kicked off my shoes. “I have one on my thigh too.”
She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I bet, Matti.”
“No, really,” I insisted.
I pushed my trousers down around my thighs and off. Then I strutted around a bit, flexed my muscles; I was just acting stupid for the fun of it. She didn’t seem to mind. I certainly didn’t.
“Liar. There’s no bruise on your thigh,” she said. “You look cute in boxer briefs though.”
“Thanks.” I tugged at my waistband and flashed her a little more skin. Then I gave her a sad, hurt look. “See? Look at my knees ... they’re all scraped up.”
“Oh, Matti, you poor boy.”
“Such sarcasm,” I teased, then motioned her to get off the bed. “Come over her, baby. This is no fun with you all the way over there.”
“‘All the way over there,’” she repeated. “What? Three feet?”
“I’ve done my little strip show for you,” I said. “Now it’s your turn, girl.”
“My father and mother will be home soon, you know,” she said.
“Don’t give me that, Lindi,” I said. “Now come on. Stand up. Show me skin, baby. And don’t pretend to be shy.”
Lindi was an athletic girl — tall, strong, agile — and I found that very appealing. She got up off the bed and padded toward me. She had long blonde hair, blue eyes, and a creamy complexion. Even so, the ruddy tan remained from long days in the sun practicing A-ball with her friends. (She was on the girls’s A-ball team at Sceofeld, just as I was on the boys’s team, but comparatively she was much better. She was athletic in the same way my brother was — she had natural talent.) She was so pretty I often wondered what she was doing with me instead of some stud on the C-ball team, someone like Markus. I suppose that sounds insecure of me, even self-depreciating, but I had good reason for feeling insecure when it came to girls.
She came over to me. “Happy now?”
I let my eyes wander up and down her figure. “I will be when you lose the shirt, skirt, and bra.”
“And to think when we first met, I thought you were gay,” she said.
“You what?”
“I’m teasing, Matti.”
Then her clothes came off — shirt, skirt, bra. One minute she was fully dressed, the next, and with such graceful ease, she was next to completely nude. She took everything off except for her panties, a tiny pair — a thong — that left precious little to my imagination. Honestly, she had just about the perfect body, including the nicest, firmest set of breasts I’d ever seen. (Okay, so I hadn’t seen too many bared breasts in my seventeen years, but I knew a good set when I saw them.)
“Happy now?”
“Yeah,” I said.
I loved the smoothness of her lower belly and the way the bikini string crossed her flesh. She had no tan line, even her breasts were tanned, and I wondered aloud if she sunbathed in the nude.
She rolled her eyes. “No, silly boy. Have you ever heard of a tan-through bikini?”
I shook my head.
Lindi said, “They make tan-through trunks for boys too.”
“Oh,” I replied, and took her in my arms. Her arms wrapped around me and we kissed slowly. Our lips opened and our tongues met. Then she broke off the kiss.
“Feels like the ‘little man’ is all aroused,” she said.
“Little?” I protested.
Then Lindi tugged down the front of my boxer briefs. “No, certainly not little.” She touched my penis, ran her finger along the underside from my balls to the tip. “Six and a half inches ... seven?”
“Six and three quarters,” I managed to say through clenched teeth. I was embarrassed ... she’d never seen it before, much less touched it. Her hand on my erection felt awesome and a moan of pleasure escaped my lips.
Her breath was hot on my throat. “Do boys really measure with a ruler?” she asked and stroked it gently.
I nodded. “Some ... most, I guess.”
Lindi grinned knowingly, as if to say, Boys ... such idiots. Then snap, she released the waistband, and it hit the sensitive tip. “Ouch! Shit!” It stung!
She rubbed her palm up and down my shaft, massaging me through the thin layer of cotton. “Does that feel better now?”
“More than.... Ah!” I moaned. “More than you know.”
I wrapped my arms around her again, pressed my body to hers, and let my hands explore her curves. We kissed each other lazily and enjoyed the intimacy of our embrace. Her hands found my buttocks and she squeezed with impish glee. She always did. Even in the halls at school, when we’d kiss in front of her locker or mine, she’d grab my ass. It always embarrassed me when we were in public, though I never complained because it felt so good.
“Oh, Matti,” she whispered in my ear and pushed me down onto the bed. “Matti, I love you.” She laid on top of me then and her nipples were crushed to my chest.
We kissed like that for a long time, but then, suddenly, I felt very self-conscious.
Why did Lindi even bother with me? I didn’t understand. It didn’t make sense. After all, she was very popular. I wasn’t. My brother was popular ... I just hung around at the periphery. I was a so-so A-ball player with lousy grades and a shy, unsociable streak a mile wide. So why me? I was handsome, true, but how that alone was enough to make me desirable to the most desirable girl at Sceofeld Academy I couldn’t figure out. Further, it was Lindi who had pursued me, not the other way around, and that was even more perplexing.
Honestly, why me instead of Johannes? It wasn’t like he was openly gay. A lot of girls had their eyes on him. Plenty of times I’d overheard whispers and girlish giggles about what a handsome stud they thought he was. He knew he was popular with the opposite sex too, and didn’t seem to mind their constant flirting.
Lindi and I had been together for about a year and a half now, since May of ‘73. But before I met Lindi, the only girl I had ever kissed, the only girl who I was interested in was a seventeen-year-old beauty named Rebecca. She lived up the street half a block. I was fourteen at the time and flattered by the attention she paid me. The whole thing turned out to be a disaster though, and following my ‘relationship’ with Rebecca, I had little trust left in me. So when Lindi and I hooked up, it took time for me to warm up to the idea of having a girlfriend.
Rebecca inghean Oisin was an Hibernian beauty, with a pale, healthy-looking complexion, reddish-blonde hair, green eyes, and such curves.... We never dated, but she was always around. We spent a lot of time together. One night, a month into our ‘relationship,’ we rolled around in her bed. I touched her breasts, she kissed my belly button. It was the only time it happened, but I remember very well the fullness of her breasts against my chest, the hardness of her nipples, the thrill of it all, the feeling of her flesh gliding against my own as we kissed and explored one another with our hands. I recall too the way her panties rode up tight between her smooth, round buttocks. I came in my underwear and felt ashamed of myself afterwards. But I felt a lot worse when I discovered why she was paying me so much attention: She wanted to get close to Johannes by getting close to me.
I should have seen it a mile away, but I was fourteen, horny, and completely inexperienced in matters of love ... or lust ... or whatever. All these new, complicated feelings and desires were so ... strange.
It was hard to get over Rebecca, or more precisely, it was hard to forget how she used me. I felt avenged, if in only in a small way, when Johannes refused her advances. Looking back, it should have been obvious he was gay because of the casual way he dismissed her, but more specifically because of the intensity of his friendship with Mikael Lundmark that same year.
I knew Lindi loved me, but I kept asking: Why me?
“Lindi....” She was nibbling at my right nipple.
It’s embarrassing to admit, but my mind wandered, and I’d lost my erection. It happened every time Lindi and I made out. What was wrong with me? My mind was everywhere but with Lindi. Yes, Lindi was sexy, but somehow I couldn’t remain interested for more than a few minutes. Lindi didn’t seem to notice and continued to kiss me. I wasn’t in the mood any longer.
“Maybe I should go,” I said suddenly and pushed her away gently.
She was disappointed. “Why?”
“Aren’t you parents coming home soon?”
“Not for awhile. I was teasing about that, what I said earlier. You know they aren’t going to be home until after nine.”
I fumbled about for my shirt. “Sorry. I’ve got to go.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Matti....”
“It’s nothing, Lindi,” I insisted. “I’ve got to go.”
“Where?”
“Home, I guess.”
She stood up, reached for her bra and shirt. We watched each other dress. I could tell she was confused and pissed off. “What, do you have plans with your friend?” she said after a moment. Her tone was hurt, sarcastic, angry.
Now it was my turn to be confused. “What are you talking about?”
“You’ve been spending a lot of time with that friend of yours,” she said.
“Who?”
“You know who ... Shane.”
“What does Shane have to do with this?”
“I’d like to know,” she said.
“Lindi....”
“Why are you all chummy with him again for? I thought you two went your different ways last year,” she said. “Look, you and Shane ... well, let’s be honest, you don’t move in the same circles. You know?”
I laughed at that without humor. “Oh, I know. I know exactly what you mean by that, Lindi.”
“Don’t take offense, but it is the truth,” she said. “You and Shane have nothing in common.”
“I’ll be the judge of that,” I said.
She looked at me, sighed, and reached out for me. “It’s just that Shane is seriously fucked up.”
That angered me. “What do you mean by that?”
“Emotionally.... He’s fucked up emotionally. You’ve even said so yourself. And it’s true,” she said. “Besides, he’s always in trouble. He’s violent. He’s ... he’s not like us.”
“What is he then ... poor, white, working-class trash?”
“Don’t put words in my mouth,” she said. “I know they were thrust into their present situation by the death of his father.”
“But even before that, you insisted he was different. You never hid your contempt for him, Lindi. Never. Why? What do you mean by ‘you don’t move in the same circles,’ huh? You mean he doesn’t belong with us because his family is lower-class.”
“Let’s not waste our breath on this,” she said.
I raised my voice, “You brought it up!”
“One minute you’re all hot and heavy and the next you’re telling me you need to go home,” she said. “At the very least, I deserve an explanation.”
And that was just it — I didn’t have one.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “My mind is all a jumble.”
“I love you, Matti; you know I do.”
I nodded.
She came over to me, ran her hands back through the full length of my hair, looked into my eyes, and kissed me gently on the tip of the nose.
I backed away. “Lindi ... I’ve got to go.”
“What’s wrong?” Then her eyes were afire. “Are you seeing another girl, Matti? Are you sleeping with another girl?”
“No. No! Of course not, Lindi!”
She stared at me with such worried, jealous intensity. “You’re not seeing anybody else then?”
“No.”
“Are you mad at me?”
“Why would I be?”
“Because we’re not having sex,” she said. “I’m not ready for sex, okay? You know how I feel.”
“I know, Lindi. I know. It isn’t that at all,” I said.
“Then what is it?”
I paused for a long moment, worried and upset and afraid of hurting her feelings, but knew it was best to be honest. “Lindi ... you’re moving too fast.”
She was incredulous. “I’m moving too fast?”
“Yeah.”
The look on Lindi’s face made my heart ache. I felt like shit. But it was true: She was moving way too fast.
“Lindi ... baby.” I tried to put my arms about her.
She crossed her arms over her chest. The hurt look on her face was too much. Then she backed away. “Maybe you should go,” she said. “Go home, Matti.”
“Lindi....”
“Just go home,” she said. “We’ll talk about this later.”
* * *
I found myself walking home and cursing myself. But I was right. Lindi was too intense about our relationship. For example, the welcome screen on her computer notepad was covered with scrawled digital notes like ‘Matti + Lindi’ and ‘I love Matti,’ and that was fine. What girl didn’t write such things about her boyfriend? But ‘Lindi Kirkagárd’! That freaked me out.
Lindi wanted us to go to the University together, and figured we’d get married our first year there. She had it all planned out. She wanted to marry in the Spring, in April. She wanted four kids — two boys, two girls. She even had their names picked out! The first boy would be named Johannes, after my brother, the first girl would be Maria, after her mother, the second boy would be Rágnar, after her brother, and the next girl would be Anna, after my mother. She planned; I listened politely. But I certainly didn’t want to sire a little Viking horde while still attending the University!
What was wrong with being teenagers? What was wrong with simply enjoying being boyfriend and girlfriend without rushing headlong into the future?
It wasn’t something I could discuss with Johannes. He wouldn’t understand. And I couldn’t discuss it with Jakobus either. Mainly because he thought the erotic nature of my relationship with Lindi was immoral. Fuck, he’d probably tell me to get married. Maybe Matthias-Paulus would understand ... or not.
I felt trapped.
Lindi lived only a mile or so northwest of my house, but it was chilly walk, and I didn’t have a coat. It wasn’t so dark as the night before. The cloud cover was slight. It was a few minutes after eight, and the temperature was dropping quick.
My watch chirped and I tapped its face. “Hello?”