Disclaimer
This is a work of fiction. Although the story does involve characters from the Backstreet Boys, it is by no means a reflection on their lives or sexuality. Any similarities to them or other stories is purely coincidental. If you are under the legal age to be reading this or are offended by homosexual relationships please do not continue. Thank you.
Thanks again to everyone who's written to me. I helps to know that you guys are enjoying it.
It's not that I have had like a dozen requests for it, but someone did mention about a mailing list idea. Anyways, if you'd like me to start one up....well....tell me. If more than a few of you would like it, I'd be more than willing to comply.
Until then, keep those emails coming in.
The Shape of My Heart - Chapter 5
Josh's body was slumpped in the corner of the lift. Brian rushed over to him and slowly lifted his head.
"Josh, can you hear me?" asked Brian in a state of panic.
Getting no response, Brian quickly checked to see if Josh was breathing. He couldn't feel anything. There was no pulse either.
"Call 911! He isn't breathing!" screamed Brian.
But Brian couldn't wait, he knew the hospital was only a few blocks away so he slung Josh over his shoulder and tried to get to the hospital.
Kevin and Nick had arrived with some body guards but not being able to find Brian sent them out to look for him. One of the guards spotted Brian and signalled for everyone to go over to him.
"Help me! He's not breathing!" called out Brian.
Immediately the body guards ran and helped pick Josh up and rush him to the hospital. The doctors in the ER immediately went to tend to him. One nurse asked,
"Does anyone know what happened?"
"He suddenly turned pale and then collapsed," said Brian, "I...I...is he going to be okay?" asked Brian who then started to break down in tears.
Nick quickly grabbed Brian, who then buried his face in Nick shoulder. Staring at them, Kevin couldn't help but with it was him Nick was hugging. He knew Nick cared for him, but their relationship wasn't the same as Nick and Brian's. They had a connection, a connection that Kevin longed to have with Nick.
"The doctor's are dealing with him now. We'll let you know what's happening as soon as we know," said the nurse then walking away.
Kevin moved to Brian and touched his shoulder.
"It'll be okay, I promise," said Kevin.
Breaking away from Nick, he held Kevin and said, "Thanks for being here for me cuz. I know I've been distant, but I've had a lot on my mind. We'll talk soon."
The feeling of camaraderie compelled Nick to initiate a group hug. As Nick moved in to hug Kevin and Brian his hand brushed Kevins. Kevin then grabbed Nick hand and they interlocked. Nick didn't think much of it, passing it off as well, dispersion of anxiety. It felt wierd though, but good. Nick couldn't place it, but he didn't want to let go.
Eventually they all sat down, waiting for the doctors to say something.
About an hour later a doctor came walking out. Recognising the three she approached them.
"He'll be fine, he's just resting now." she said.
"What happened?" asked Brian.
"It was an allergic reaction to one of the antibiotics. I can't really say anymore," her voiced trailed off.
She then turned to Kevin and said, "Can I speak to you a moment?"
Brian shot a confused look to her, but before he could say anything she replied, "You look tired. Why don't you sit down."
Pulling Kevin away she asked, "I initially assumed that the allergic reaction was caused by the psychological trauma of the attack, but after pushi.."
"What attack?" asked Kevin now just as confused.
"He didn't tell you?" said the doctor.
"No..." replied Kevin.
"Oh....I'm not in a position to talk about it, but regardless of it, I don't think it was that was the cause of the stress. After a bit of coaxing, he mentioned briefly his feeling for Brian, then about Brian and Nick and how he couldn't be around them, then rambled on about Brian with another man. It wasn't very coherent, but I do believe that Mr Williams has issues with Brian, and unless they are resolved which continue to be a major cause of stress for him. Therefore I do not recommend Brian seeing Josh at this time. I didn't know how to put it across, and since you weren't really in the equation, you were the only one I could talk to."
Kevin was crushed. He had an inkling about his cousin being gay, but Nick, and Nick and Brian. Although the doctor wasn't explicit about it, he felt it was quite obvious that Brian and Nick were and item, and that somehow or another something was up with Brian and Josh, which did sort of explain Josh's sudden dissapearance from the hospital. He couldn't place the other man. He coudn't think straight, but knew he had to focus as he had more pressing matters at hand apart from his feeling for Nick. The doctor knew about Nick and Brian, and he had to make sure she wouldn't mention it to anyone.
"Doctor, what Josh told you...."
"Relax. Your personal lives and your personal lives, and rest assured I will not mention this to anyone." she smiled.
"Thank you. " said Kevin signing with relief.
"I think you should speak to your friends now, and you can see Josh if you want. It would be in his best interest to see a friendly face." she said then left.
Kevin was throughly confused. What was this about an attack, Brian and Nick, what to tell them, so he decided that rather come up with an excuse now, he'd secretly go see Josh and get a few things clarified.
"I'm just going for a walk, I'll be back in 5," Kevin told Nick and Brian before walking off.
What was wrong with me? I wasn't a wuss. I had a black belt in Judo, been studying Kick Boxing for over 5 years now, was a gym regular, played brilliant tennis...to put it simply I was fit, or so I thought I was. I'm passed out three times over the past 3 days! Then again, the doctor did say it wasn't to do with my health, just unfortunate accidents. Maybe so, but I still did feel lousy about myself, and even if physically I was fine, emotionally and mentally I was a wreck. The past few months had been hard on me, and I didn't think it could have gotten any worse, but was I wrong - maybe not worse, but just as bad.
I heard the door click and I guess still a little jumpy from when I was attacked I shouted out "Who's there?"
A head popped in. It was Kevin.
"Don't shoot. It's just me." he smiled.
I got a little worried that Nick and Brian would be with him. I barely knew them, but I wouldn't have been able to look Nick straight in the eye without feeling compelled to blurt out what I had seen. Actually thinking about it somemore, I became rather disgusted with Brian. Maybe he had been hitting on me, and was just trying to get into my pants, failing that decided to look elsewhere.
"How are feeling?" Kevin asked.
His voice brought me back to reality. I was actually glad to see him, someone who wasn't tangled in with Brian's lies.
"Still a little woozy, but the doctors say I'll be fine, and should be out and about...well...metaphorically speaking," pointing to his leg, "by tomorrow."
"That's good to hear. You had us pretty worried there."
"Twice in the hospital, it hasn't been my week," I joked.
"Three, sort of, if you count the airport incident. " he said grinning.
"You know what they say, bad luck comes in three's,"
"The airport and the motel were accidents, but the attack..." said Kevin averting eye contact feeling a little guilty bringing it up.
I was taken aback momentarily. I hadn't mentioned it to anyone, and didn't really want to talk about it, so I just turned away and kept silent.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean on brining it up, it just that the doctor said....I'm just concerned."
"Thanks but you don't have to worry about me, and if you don't mind I'd rather not talk about it." I said abruptly.
I didn't want to be mean to him, but I felt it was for the best if I just distance myself from the Backstreet Boys. I wasn't usually the one to allocate blame, but all my misfortune did start after Brian bumped into me.
"I'm sorry," Kevin said looking at me apologetically.
I felt bad, but I had to do it.
"I...I think you..should go..." I said my voice shaking.
I didn't really want to send him away. I needed a friend, but it was inevitable. Looking at him would start me thinking about Brian, and everytime I thought about him, I start to breakdown.
Kevin didn't want to go. He wanted to know more about Nick and Brian, and deep down he was concerned about Josh. Kevin was usually quite a reserved person, but he felt very comfortable around Josh.
"Josh, just stuff that pride of yours and accept a little help and friendship okay." said Kevin rather aggressively.
"I'm not going to push you to talk to me, but I know you need help, and I'm willing to help you, heck I want to help you. You may not consider me a friend, but I sure do consider you to be mine."
I'd never heard such supportive words directed to me before. When I told my best friend that I was confused about my sexuality, he freaked and tried to punch me. My parents practically disowned me. For once in my life I felt unconditional love. I'd managed to hold my tears back until now, but no longer. Kevin came up to me and just held me. I needed to feel someone and he knew it.
"Thank you," I whispered, "Thank you."
So wrapped up in my own problems, I didn't notice that Kevin had started to cry too. I broke our hug and looked at him in the face, or at least tried. He kept avoiding eye contact and didn't want to look up. I knew something was up. His tears weren't of relief, no...they were tears of pain.
Clasping my hands on his cheek I asked, "Kevin....what's wrong? I know I haven't really opened up much, but...what I'm trying to say is you can talk to me."
"Josh," Kevin looked up at me, "I know it's probably not the best time to ask, but I need to know. Is there anything going on between Nick and Brian?"
I was taken aback. Why was he asking me this. Why would he think I knew something, but more importantly why would he be upset over something like this..unlesss.....
What was I going to do? Should I tell him the truth that I had heard Brian tell Nick he loved him, and then about Nick potentially having an affair, or lie and say nothing. The one thing I did know - I wasn't going to reveal my feeling for Brian.
"Kevin...I...I can't really say.."
With that Kevin started sobbing harder. There were three possibilities; He had feelings for Brian, he had feelings for Nick, he felt betrayed that they hadn't confided in him. Scenario three was unlikely - you don't break down like he was over something like that, so it was either one or two. I prayed it wasn't Brian, then would it have made a difference.
"So they are! and what about another man?" screamed out Kevin looking very distraught.
It hit me, the doctor! I was cursing her this very instant for telling him, what I had told her in confidence. I just wanted to crawl into a shell now, Kevin must have known I had feeling for Brian, but seeing him in such a state I couldn't shut him out.
"Kevin, calm down.." I said.
"Calm down? How am I supposed to calm down? My cousin is seeing the only man I've ever loved, and he's about to have his heart broken because of another man? Calm down...I dont think so. Josh, what is going on? Is that other man you Josh? Please don't say its you. The doctor told me about.."
I was hurt. I thought Kevin respected me enough not to think that I would ever try and hurt anyone intentionally. Then the door flew open.
"That's enough!" cried out the doctor, "He's been through quite enough and he doesn't need anymore of this! I suggest you leave now."
"I'm really sorry doctor, I didn't mean...." pleaded Kevin.
"Just go, before I security here." She said coldly.
"Josh, I'm sorry."
I just buried my face into the pillow.
"Mr Williams, if you need to talk..." said the doctor.
"Thank you doctor, but I'll be fine. I think I'll get some sleep." I replied eyes blood shot.
"Okay, but if you need me...." she whispered, shutting the door.
Kevin made his way back to the Nick and Brian. He felt really bad. He knew he shouldn't have pushed Josh, but there a lot going through his mind, and he wasn't thinking straight. Holding back his tears he said,
"I think we should leave Josh to rest,"
"I want to see him...." said Brian
"Bri, I think Kevin's right. You both need some rest. We'll come back tomorrow." said Nick.
Kevin didn't know how to tell them what the doctor said. What confused him even more was how Nick was so calm about Brian's overtly strong feelings for Josh. If something was going on with Nick and Brian surely he must feel a little jealous, or was it over? So many things were reeling through Kevin's mind, and the only was to get any answers was to confront each of them, but how?
"I don't need any rest. What I need is to see Josh okay!, Both of you...just go!" said Brian then getting up.
"Josh..don't..." said Kevin about to run after Brian.
Nick grabbed his arm and said, "Let him go. He needs to do this."
"Nick! you don't understand...."
"No Kev, you don't understand...Brian...."
"Nick! Just shut up and listen! The doctor is going to allow either you or Brian to see Josh okay! I don't want to him finding out why!"
Kevin knew he had said too much already, but Nick wouldn't have listened otherwise.
In shock, Nick muttered, "Wh...why?"
"Don't ask, just stop him!"
Walking to the nurses station, Brian asked for Josh's room.
"I'm sorry sir, no visitors unless you're family." the nurse said.
"Look. I've already explained his situation to the doctors. He's got no family here, and we're the only people he knows in the states...so just tell me which room he's in."
"I'm sorry sir, but my orders were clear. No visitors. Only family." she said coldly.
"Just tell me where he is!" said Brian getting very worked up.
"If you don't I'm going to check every single room in the ward!" screamed Brian.
"If you don't leave now, I'm going to have to call security!" the nurse said sternly.
Brian knew that fighting wouldn't get him anywhere, so he had to reason with her.
"I'm really sorry, but I'm worried about him...." said Brian beginning to cry.
Feeling a bit of sympathy for him the nurse said,
"I'm sorry, but I still can't. But what I can tell you is that he is doing fine, and should be out by tomorrow. Maybe you could come back then."
Brian let out a sigh, "Just for a minute..."
"Oh alright, but only for a couple of minutes."
Just then the doctor walked into the ward. Seeing Brian making his way to Josh's room, she called out,
"Stop right there!"
Brian turned around in shock.
"You must be Brian.." said coldly.
"I know its only family, but he doesn't have anyone here..." Brian said.
"I'm sorry, but I cannot allow you to see him. Please leave."
"I thought we had this all cleared up, you know..."
"Things have changed. I'm not going to tell you again. Please leave. Or I will have you removed from the premises."
"Go ahead! Call security. I'm still going to see him. For gods sake, I care about him! Can't you even give me 2 minutes! You're a cold heartless witch!" Brian screamed out completely exasperated and filled with anger.
"Cold heartless witch! How can YOU call me that? You do realise that he's in here because of you. The amount of stress he's under......playing him like a rag doll. You don't deserve his affections!" she screamed out.
It wasn't her place to say what she said, but she could feel the pain Josh was going through, and she wasn't going to subject him to anymore heartache.
"WHat do you mean me? What have I done? I've been here for him the whole time, but he keeps pushing me away..."
It hadn't fully registered, but when it did....
"He has affections for me?"
Brian's rage just died down, and a smile came on his face.
"Doctor...I love him, and I would never hurt him. What do you mean playing him like a rag doll?" said Brian looking very confused.
"Don't think that I'm going to buy that! I may not know the details, but stringing him along while you're involved with Nick, and then when you don't get your way with him move on to another guy."
Brian shot her a confused look.
"Josh saw you with that guy in the hotel. If you really want to know why he collapsed....well although it was an allergic reaction to his medication, the reaction was triggered by seeing you with another guy. He was torn between his feeling for you, you and Nick ,and you're betrayal to Nick. I don't care what you feel for him, you are NOT going to see him!"
"What the hell are you taking about?" shouted Brian shooting the doctor another confused look.
"Don't play innocent with me!...actually I don't care. If you want to get in that room, it's going to have to be over my dead body!"
"Don't push me lady!" shouted Brian.
"Call security now!" screamed the doctor.
I drifting in and out of sleep, but the argument I had with Kevin was playing in my head. I felt dissapointed over his reaction, but why did bother me? His loyalties were obviously with the band, and I'm sure he did consider me to be a friend, just not good enough...but that didn't matter. I'd been pushed around enough, and I wasn't going to be a weakling anymore. I wasn't going to be used anymore, and if the first step to me reclaiming my independence meant cutting out the whole BSB incident, then it had to be so.
I shut my eyes willing myself to sleep when I heard some comotion outside in the hallway. I didn't think much of it, I recognised the voices; it was the doctors and Brian's. I walked to the door and stuck my ear to it trying to catch the gist of the conversation, or argument from the sounds of it.
I heard it all; the doctor telling everything I told her in confidence to Brian. I was mortified. I was going to barge out there and put a stop to it, but then I heard him say he loved me....he couldn't have. What about Nick?
I didn't know what to do. Should I have gone out? I couldn't. I didn't want to get in between him and Nick. Tears were streaming down my face and I threw myself on my bed. But when I heard the doctor scream 'security' I couldn't just stay in here. If this leaked out, it could destroy their careers....I loved him enough not to let that happen.
Banging the door open I said, "Doctor...I'll be fine. Please don't call security."
"Josh...security....you heard everything didn't you?" asked Brian
"Josh....I don't think...." said the doctor.
"I'll be fine." I said coldly.
I knew I should have been nicer and what she did was probably in my best interest, but she betrayed my trust, and I was mad.
Brian threw his arms around me. Looking me in the face he said,
"Josh! I was so worried! I'm sorry, for what ever I did! I love you, and I hope that you love me too"
Our eyes were buried deep in each others. I felt each warm breath against my cheek, and the passion I felt for him started to burn. My lips started to quiver. Brian stroked my cheek and his lips brushed mine. The emotions I was feeling were too intense. I felt myself give in to the urge to kiss his lips, but I held back. I wouldn't get in between Nick and him. It wasn't right. I pulled away from him.
Immediatelt I could see the hurt in his eyes. He looked at me almost pleadingly, then asked,
"Josh...why do you keep pushing me away? Is there someone else?" his eyes began to tear.
"Brian," I gulped, "...just go. Please, if you care for me...just go." I said, my voice breaking.
The look of hurt and pain on this face multiplied far more than I could have ever imagined. His eyes were red and teary, filled with sorrow. My heart was breaking, but I knew I was doing the right thing.
"Josh....I'll go, but only on one condition. Please tell me why."
How could he ask me that. Wasn't it clear?
Just then Nick and Kevin came running down the corridor.
"Brian! There you are. We were so worried!" said Nick, running to him and giving him a hug.
Nick turned and suddenly noticed me standing by the door.
"Josh!! The doctor wouldn't let us see you. She said you needed some rest. But I'm glad to see you on your feet again."
Kevin was silent. He looked at me apologetically, but I just turned away. I couldn't even look at Nick. Brian had just professed his love for me. I wanted to blurt it out to Nick and have Brian all to myself, but I would have been no better then....well....I couldn't have lived with myself. But was it fair on Nick? The question was did Brian still love Nick. If he did, and I was just a distraction then it would have been wrong to jeapordize their relationship - besides nothing did happen between us. Or perhaps he didn't love Nick anymore, and was truly in love with me....but what difference would that have made. I would still be responsible for their breakup.
Did I owe them an explanation, perhaps I did. But I was doing the right thing. I knew I was.
"Thanks for coming to see me guys."
I hugged Nick, then Kevin (who looked very surprised), then Brian. I kissed him on the cheek and whispered, "I love you."
Each of them had a big smile on their face, but it soon faded when I said,
"Thanks for your support, but I think's its best if we never see each other again. You know I'm right." I said on the verge of another breakdown again.
"Doctor, please ask security to escort them out." I said softly before running back into the room.
"Josh!" Brian shouted out trying to go after him, but Kevin grabbed him, stopping him.
Nick stared at Nick in shock. Why did Kevin stop him?
to be continued........
It's getting there. Be patient. I hope everyone's enjoying it so far, I know I am. Please email me with any comments, ideas, or just to say hi. I love email. josh_wills@excite.com
Next one is already in the works and will be out soon!